I Can't Date Without It Leading to Sex, HELP!

I don't know if this would work for you, but it's the only way I am able to avoid 'letting the heat of the moment take over.' I have a 'no up the shirt or down the pants' rule. I am very up front about this rule, and then I stick to it until I am ready to take it to the next level (which rarely happens.) It sounds like a pretty simple rule, but it CAN be hard to follow sometimes ;-)

Intimacy is very special indeed, but sex does not = intimacy.

Added: it helps to avoid situations where 'up the shirt and/or down the pants' is acceptable.

You could just be a feminist about this. if you are having sex because you miss sex, then I don't think there is a problem as long as you are practicing safe sex. If you seek intimacy, not sex, then you probably do need therapy. But it's OK to want sex.

I'm confused. Why can't you?
Is it because you're horny? Is it because you're too timid to disappoint? Is it because you're picking raunchy men who can't communicate without their dicks? WHY can't you say no? I mean, it's just two letters, one syllable, and pretty easy to pronounce. So WHY can't you?

hmmm.

For 'me' sex does not necessarily mean intimacy...and intimacy does not always mean sex.

I like it BEST when there is both to be honest...but I do not forsee that again in my life. I am getting OLD!

I agree with many here that have said if you want to date, set it up so the date can end, and you can go your separate ways. I also agree that NO means NO. Period.

I would also suggest that 10 years of marriage is a long time, and that 2 years post that marriage (particularly when children are involved) may not be a long enough time to truly work on YOU, your children, and whatever issues need to be worked through from your marriage (commonly known as baggage).

Not a thing in the world wrong with 'recreational' sex - as long as you are protected (condoms...and your heart). My sense is that counseling would allow you to work on some of your confusion, and help you sort things out. Make time for it.

Best!

If you want to have sex then have sex, don't be stupid about it and don't feel guilty. If you don't want to have sex there is a clever word people use to convey this, it is, no.

I feel like I need to add in light of some comments that wanting sex doesn't equal low self esteem or confidence, or being broken. Has it been the worst two years of your life because you lack stability? Guilty? Not what you want your life to be? Sex has nothing to do with any of that. I agree with the suggestion of therapy mostly because you can talk to someone who is trained, and unbiased.

It just seems to me that this has nothing to do with sex but that feeling that something is missing. You could be filling it with sex, maybe, but that still doesn't make it about sex.

I have seen people fill those holes with some crazy stuff. Half the time they aren't even filling the holes because they don't know where the holes are.

I am rather emotionally healthy but I remember a point where after a breakup I told my older daughter we are going to the pound, I have decided I will be a crazy cat lady. Met my husband three days later. :) Oh and we had crazy sex on our second date ohhhhhhhhhhh such a bad girl!

So, when I was younger, this was me. The issue was that I *did* want to say "no" but didn't realize I was entitled to refuse. I had been taught to defer to men, that I should put the desires and feelings of others above my own to be "nice", but also that saying "yes" meant I had no self-respect. No matter what I chose, I was going to feel guilty. I gave in to the most intense parts of my training - defer to men and be "nice". Since I'd also been taught the lie that all men what is sex, this meant I said "yes" a lot when I did not want to. Is any of this you?

I recall feeling that once I "started", I was not entitled to say "stop" - even if starting just meant deep kissing.

Anyway -

If you want to say yes, say yes. It has nothing to do with self-respect. It's just a perception that the double-standard is in play. But the double standard is BS. If a man thinks less of you for saying yes, you aren't aligned and he is entitled to walk. Let him go. Especially let him go if he thinks it's Ok for him to have sex with YOU but thinks less of YOU for having sex with him!

If you want to say no, YOU are entitled to say no. YOU get to decide what you do and do NOT want to do. No one else gets a say. If the man doesn't like it, you aren't aligned. He is entitled to walk. Let him go. It's not your job to make him happy. It's your job to take care of YOU.

I wish I had learned all of this when I was younger. I would have spent far more time on things I wanted to be doing. I hope this helps you either way.

I think the problem is not with sex, it is with the way you look at yourself and sex. There is nothing shameful about sex. You can be a "good girl" and enjoy having sex, you can have sex and do things to be safe. Having safe sex does not make you less responsible or mean you are a trouble maker. You can have self respect while having a fun and active sex life. I am not saying that casual sex is right for everyone, but it does not make you less of a person or bad or wrong in ANY WAY. As women we are taught to have so much shame around sex and sexual enjoyment that it messes many of us up psychologically and causes us to have these feelings of shame and regret around sex. I challenge that the sex is not the problem, it is with how you view yourself and your own sexuality. Once I learned to let go of my shame around sex I felt so free, I realized I could enjoy sex, or not have it, of my own free will, and it did not change me as a person one way or the other. You need to learn to love yourself more and then maybe you could say yes, or no, without feelings of shame or regret. Counseling would be a great first step, and I would lay off the dating until you work on yourself for a bit.

Blessed Be

What's wrong with having sex? Just keep it away from your kids and use condoms.
Unless you don't actually like it? Are you just doing it to please your date?

Therapy.

Because sex isn't intimacy. You want it to be, but it's not.

Get some help to figure out why you're doing this to yourself.

It's fine if you want to have sex, but you need to be responsible about it. And if you want intimacy - REAL intimacy - that's not sex.

This may be old fashion. I suggest that if you don't want to be tempted, don't do things that will lead to sex. Some seem to think you're saying you want to have sex often as if having sex is an addiction. .i'm not hearing that.

I'm older so when I started dating sex before marriage was highly valued in my family and community. The helped me decide on sex in a somewhat inhibited way. I thought about reasons for and against. By the time I decided to have sex I had experience dating without sex.

Perhaps because of my generation being more thoughtfull and in less of a hurry this won't be what you want to know. All I did when first meeting someone was to stay focused and stop the action early on. We stayed dressed and kept hands outside clothes.

Usually, we casually talked about our expectations early in the relationship. I dated the longest with men who respected my right to choose. We developed a relationship before getting intimately involved For me that made the sex much more satisfying.

There were men who expected to go to bed on the first date. When they started with the verbal foreplay I told them my boundaries. If they pushed for more I stopped and moved away. I remember a couple of men who left in an angry huff.

I suggest you decide where your boundary is, verbalize it at least to yourself and do what you need to do to stop it. Make this decision ahead of time and stick with it.

To help make that decision write down your values and your goals for life. Think of sex as a part of your life. So think about your children. Consider the possibility of pregnancy and STDS. Think about how to prevent them. All of this should temper your ardor.

Have you known emotional intimacy? Sex by its self is not intmacy. I am left feeling cold, empty and disappointed when I have sex when we first meet.

My advice is- who cares about the guys you don't particularly care for. Have your fun with them. But the ones you like, hold off a bit.

I'm assuming that you're in your 30s. Don't hold onto the beliefs and shame of your teens and early 20s. Your 30s are a time to do what is right for YOU. Do what you want and DO NOT feel guilty or ashamed. Change if you'd like to but have fun if that's what you feel like doing, too!

The one thing is that if you think you have met Mr. Right (or Mr. could be right for a few months) be sure to let him chase you a bit.

Good luck - enjoy and have fun!

I did this when I was younger. Was raised not to have sex before marriage so I ran out at 20 and sowed my wild oats. Bought my own condo at 23 and lived the single life until I met and married at 30. I don't have any regrets and am actually glad I had that part of my life, a lot of my friends didn't and they married right out of high school.

I think maybe because you were married for 10 years and are now single you went a little crazy, which is understandable and ok as long as you are practicing safe sex and are being safe. Meaning not putting your self at risk with a total stranger when someone doesn't know who you are with in case something happens. I used to call my friend who knew I was "dating" a lot and give her the guys name and number so if I disappeared she at least would know who I was with. Yikes.

Anyway, I think you just have to get a grip on yourself. I was married for 10 years and after my divorce decided to start dating again. That lasted all of 2 months then I was like, ok, I have a vibrator so I'm just going to focus on my business and my kids. Then I immediately after I met my now husband. I HATED the dating scene and figured it was not worth it just to 'be' with someone.

So maybe you just need to get it out of your system and focus on yourself and I assume you have kids. Just start thinking of how you want to be treated. They always say that once the chase is over they don't respect or want you anymore. I actually did this with my first husband because I was pretty promiscuous before I met him and at age 29 decided I better start looking seriously for a husband. I actually made him work for it. Sometimes I was busy when he called, I didn't immediately pick up the phone or make myself available. It drove him crazy! And I didn't sleep with him for SIX weeks (which was a LONG time for me back then lol). We were engaged a month after that and married a year later.

So I guess I don't really have any advice. Just don't beat yourself up. It's easy for everyone else to judge when we don't know all the details or history of what you have been through and why you 'feel' you need to act like this. I hope you can figure it out. Good luck.

SQ - welcome to mamapedia!!

You need therapy. You need to find it within yourself to say NO and get to know the guy BEFORE you get jiggy with him.

YOU CAN date without sex. You just HAVE to want to. You are equating sex with something you think you are missing (intimacy). Try the conversation first - get to know the guy.

You have kids - you want to set a good example for them, yes? Think about that when you are starting to go down the path of "let's have sex". To be honest - there's NOTHING wrong with sex! It's GREAT!! But you do need to be responsible. You CAN do both - have sex and be responsible....it just takes time.

I'd go to counseling and get to know yourself and why you are making the decisions you are making. Don't freak out. Be safe. Use protection. Don't jump him the first night! :) Don't take him to YOUR house....

So .. you're having sex with men you're dating before you're ready? Or with guys you're not into?

I don't follow.

Or you are just in the mood and lose yourself in passion and think that's bad?

I don't know how to respond because in typical dating, it does eventually usually lead to sex. And it's not a bad thing.

If you don't want to with someone you're dating, you'll have to explain why.

If you are having sex before you are comfortable with them, or feel secure in the relationship, but you like them ... then you need to find a way to realize you deserve to feel comfortable and ok with what you are doing. If you can't do it on your own, then you can figure out why you can't through therapy.

All it took for me was my mom to say "Don't you think you deserve more?" and I thought about it ... and I thought Why don't I think I deserve more? And then I just practiced saying no whenever someone pushed my limits or boundaries. It was huge - changed my life.

So maybe start there. Say "no" the next time a guy pushes the issue. If he keeps pushing - LIGHTBULB moment - he's an arsehole. You wouldn't want to have sex or a relationship with him anyway.

When you practice standing up for yourself, it's amazing how things become clearer and you can really see other people's intentions.

Good luck :) I think therapy would be helpful - you don't say why you have low self worth ... sometimes therapy can backtrack to the point where you lost it, and help you gain in back.

well, i dunno. there's more to it than self-respect and weakness. are you having sex because you have no self-respect? or are you weak because you don't want sex and don't know HOW to say no?
i went through a very promiscuous period as a young woman. to some degree there was a strength in it. i'd sashay in, spend a little time making my selection, and go for him. kick him to the curb afterwards. at that point in my life it felt empowering. sometimes it actually was.
there were also times when it was borne of a desperation for intimacy, even the false intimacy of casual sex. it's easier to see that now with the benefit of age and hindsight.
sex because you're horny isn't the worst thing in the world, so long as you're not being stupid about your choices, and obviously protecting yourself against pregnancy and disease. sex because you're lonely and desperate is unhealthy and WILL make you feel weak and lacking in self-respect.
since you refer to yourself as 'broken' i assume you're not approaching it from a place of strength and confidence. i suggest counseling.
khairete
S.

This is profoundly a self worth issue. Having sex when you want to is fine, no one can say how many partners you should have. But, your post says you're not happy with it and you want to say no. You're not protecting yourself. Sometimes you need to think about yourself as you would your own child. When they start the push you need to decide if this is good for me and I really want to do this then give yourself the blessing to go have fun and get the intimacy you need. If it is not and you don't actually want to then parent yourself like you would a daughter. Protect yourself. But, I think its likely therapy would be a really good bet to figure out why you are being so h*** o* yourself and not treating yourself with any respect. Good luck honey, you deserve it.

Get to the bottom of why you don't want to have sex and really embody that truth. Because you REALLY DON'T WANT TO, or because you think you shouldn't? You almost sound like you're trying to adhere to a "nice girl" stereotype just for the sake of it, so you feel bad that you have sex.

There is a balance for you to strike, but it depends on your true, core, beliefs.

You've only been divorced 2 years. It's OK that you went through a "phase". My male friends call it "running around without pants" after a break up. Somehow it's OK for dudes. You can rein this in.

I have friends who are divorced moms (or even single ladies) of every stripe, and none of them are wrong, they're just all different. There's the women with high libidos who date like they are men. They have little time for anything aside from their kids and jobs for relationships so they get out there when they can and have some rockin' safe sex with whoever they find attractive, and they enjoy it. YES, there's always a risk of STDs no matter how careful people are, but not everyone is cut out to be celibate, nor should they have to be. Why are men the only ones allowed to go out and have casual sex with no stigma?

Then there's the ladies who are very selective and dates never lead to sex unless they end up in committed relationship first. Which is great if that's the goal. But to be honest, you have to have a lot of time on your hands to date around until you can conduct a close, loving, sex-free relationship where you get to know someone well enough to commit......and then FINALLY have SEX...that's more of a childless lady thing...

Some people just want to have sex once in a while but to keep their full focus on their lives. Especially single moms. And that's OKAY!!!!!. Unless you're religious or believe differently.

So what are you after? If you are sitting through dinner with a guy, you don't want to have sex, you're not attracted to him, you know it will burn bridges and cause issues and you'll feel bad and you have no clue if he has STDs because you just met him, so you're scared, but then "You just can't say no."

THAT is a problem. You need to fix that. You should only be having sex with people you really want to be having sex with. Or it's not worth the many risks.

I'm divorced as of 4 years and I have dated two guys. It is SO HARD to make ANY TIME AT ALL for dating, I learned waiting forever for sex with someone is not really necessary. BUT. I'm a mature woman, and I know myself. The first guy was very nice and responsible by nature. We went on many dates before sex. He always paid, even for sitters, and worked very hard to win my respect. He was intelligent and interesting and I liked him just fine. Before we had sex we had the thorough talk that we were both STD free, and we used condoms. But overall, I just didn't have time for the relationship and wasn't madly in love so I cut him loose. Then I met a crazy artsy guy who was much more fun and we had sex much sooner. Again, we had the talk about STDs first and used condoms for months until we were monogamous. But I moved forward faster with him because I knew how grueling and long the process can be when you only have time to go out once or twice per month. In the end, I cut him loose for lack of time as well, but it sure was nice to go have sex all night long with someone once or twice per month. I miss it! We should have stayed casual about it and maybe it could have lasted longer..he wasn't optimal to be a father to my kids so we had to make a decision to increase time spent (because he wanted more time with me) or end. And I couldn't do the former. Now I toy with the idea of just going out to have sex and not investing my time in relationships at all!!! I mean for real, what are the ODDS when you have NO TIME of meeting a soul mate/husband? Scarce to none where I live. So do I need to be celibate until my 5 year old is 18 and I'm almost 60? No. But it's not really my personality to cat around either. I'm a good girl too, and do not want any STDs. And again. No time!! but anyway.

When you are years out of a marriage, and an adult, it's perfectly healthy and normal to have sex. It can really brighten up the mommy grind. My kids noticed I was in a better mood :) The idea that women need to be spinsters if they don't have a ring is archaic and wrong. But it's not OK to have no control over yourself.

Sounds like you need to stop this behavior all together, or harness it better and embrace it on a healthier level. Find a balance!

When you're on a diet, you can't have cakes lying all around on your counter tops. Keep out of the bars and party atmospheres. Only meet up with men who seem to be of genuine quality. Don't drink on the first date or do anything that leaves a wide open "Hmmm, maybe we'll just go find a bed now" vibe. When a date ends after 3 drinks and wandering aimlessly around late at night with no plan....it's a bit easier to oops-go have sex.

Have a plan. Stick to it. Go home after the date. Practice makes perfect.

In my experience, men NEVER PRESSURE me for sex. If you are happy and confident and classy, men are too nervous to try that bonehead move on a first date if they want to see you again. You won't even have to say "no" if you're not being all flirty and encouraging during the date. Unless you're dating drunk college guys or freaks or rapists. Or if a guy throws it out there nicely, and you nicely decline, if he's nice, he's going to be nice about it.

If you want intimacy, then believe you are looking for a meaningful relationship and act accordingly. Treat it like a business dinner or event. Don't whip off your clothes and jump any old dude. But if you just want sex sometimes, than go get it. With caution.

Some therapy will help you understand this.
No healthy person wants sex THAT badly that EVERY date qualifies as a sexual partner.
Just the fact that you refer to this as the "worst" time and you "feel broken" are big RED flags (as are the words "risky, "dangerous," and "weak" and "give in") that you could benefit from some professional help and this is not a case of just liking & wanting sex, as some have suggested.
Good luck!

I did this.

What it comes down to is "Why?" Once you have dealt with that, you'll stop and begin to learn the difference between intimacy and sex.

My why had to do with the empty place in my heart due to being raised without a father. Yes, I had "daddy issues." I chose to fill that void with shallow, dysfunctional relationships with men.

For me, it was when I began to seek after a relationship with God that I was able to heal. God filled that empty spot in my heart, and I was able to understand why I chose the types of relationships I chose. I also did a lot of reading on Bowen family systems theory and talked with a professional who helped me to work through my past and understand intimacy.

I very much suggest that you step away from dating. Until you work through your past, you are not going to chose healthy relationships. You just aren't. So take a step back and start somewhere. Church. Therapy. Both.

Best of luck. And good for you for taking the first step toward a healthy self: Admitting that you're choosing poorly. That's admirable and I'm proud of you for doing so.

Go to dinner at a public restaurant, and say good night from there. If you have no self control, limited self esteem, and no responsible way to end the night without a quickie, then end it at dinner. That and / or Therapy. Definelty go to therapy. If you feel broken and are using sex to feel good about yourself, then you aren't being safe, and you aren't being responsible for yourself, your children, and your body. Change.

Another strong vote here for therapy. And stop dating, period, while you are in therapy and figuring out why you are doing this repeatedly.

You are part of the way there -- you already know and admit that you have a serious problem saying no, and you realize that saying yes over and over is profoundly damaging to your self-respect. So that's good - you see the issue. Now, get therapy, whatever it takes.

If cost is an issue for you, please, look up "women's center" for your town or county and find a women's center that can help you locate a low-cost or sliding-scale therapist or counselor. Your county or city mental health department may also be able to point you toward therapist who will let you pay on a sliding scale or payment plan. But don't let things like "My insurance doesn't cover it" or "I don't have time" get in the way.

Besides the inability to say "No," and the self-esteem issues, the therapist also can help you look at why you are choosing to go out with men who are placing sex ahead of getting to know and value you as a person.

Sex is a crucial part of life and should be a beautiful one -- and you know that what you're doing is not beautiful or meaningful. We could go on and on here psychoanalyzing you in this anonymous forum, but -- please get a therapist and get to know yourself, the you who is struggling, and the you who will come out of this with strength and self-respect.

You've only been divorced for two years. Many people wait much longer than that to start dating again after a divorce. Please put all dating on hold for a long time to come as you work on YOU. You deserve to be whole and healthy, not broken.

Are you having a cocktail or glass of wine with dinner on these dates? If so, I can see how this could easily break down your resistance.

Otherwise, where does the date end? Don't let it end beyond the threshold of whereever you end up. If they walk you to the door, say good night and turn for your door. Most respectful men will know that is their cue to leave.

A long time ago, I had a friend that had a very similar problem but she had no kids. You may miss the intimacy but your looking for it wrong or seeing it when it is not there. She finally went to see a counselor and was able to work through her self esteem issues and finding out what happened, why and getting back from there. She started doing things for herself that made her feel good about herself. The couselor also told her no dating. I think she was "dateless" for 2 years while she worked it all out. She met someone while really enjoying herself on a vacation and has 2 kids.

You must learn to say no and figure out what's going on with you. There is a big difference between sex and intimacy.

It is not intimacy in front of you that you desire... Your a glorified hookup because these guys you date know you won't say no. Imagine what's being said behind your back for these poor choices you make.

Is it really worth the risk you take to contract multiple STD's from multiple sex partners, possible pregnancy by someone you don't know and the safety of you and your children for a good lay???

Please get help before something bad happens to you and/or your family.

Your children deserve a mom who has them as her priority vs her sex being her priority.

I hope this post is just a troller on site because I can't imagine valuing sex over my safety or my child's safety.

There is nothing wrong with having sex.

However you are identifying the behavior as problem which thus makes it a problem.

I agree with the others that talking to a therapist is probably a good idea.

Oh and FYI, Patrick Carnes, PhD has identified certain behaviors as 'sex addiction'. His books focus on the clinical behavior of sex addiction if you are interested in understanding it.

Glad you reached out, and I hope you find help :-).

Say no. Make dates somewhere where you have to leave, on your own, by a certain time. Like at a coffee shop vs a bar. If you are always going on one night stands, re-evaluate your criteria. Maybe people like you because you are too accommodating. Maybe you need to be less so. Not everyone is liked all the time. Be willing to be disliked. If that is too difficult, trade date time for some therapy to figure out why you feel like dating = sex every time.

Even if you miss sex, part of you wants to be more discerning or you wouldn't be posting. So what are you really looking for? Lots of one night stands or a real relationship? So either you are good with taking what's offered or you're not and if you're not, you need to figure out why you don't have the self-control you profess to want.

It's simple, don't go to places where sex can happen.

Get counseling. You got divorced which is a huge loss. You need counseling.

I was broken at one point in my life and needed counseling because no friend or family member could help me be whole. The counseling helped coupled with my Christian beliefs. It's been over 20 years since I received counseling and my life has been so much better for it.

You don't need to continue to be broken. You can be healthy and whole and then in a position to receive a much better quality relationship with a romantic interest besides all of this your children are watching. Some things are taught and some things are caught. Save yourself and you could possibly be saving your children from the same pain you have endured until now.

Sorry, SQ, but it's time for you to figure out the why on your own. Talk to a counselor, maybe?

It sounds a bit like you aren't valuing yourself in practice as much as you would like in theory, if that makes sense. Do you think these guys won't want to go out with you on a second date if you say no?

If they can't handle you saying "no" to something as important as this, how do you think they will handle you saying no to other things which are also important to you? You aren't being honest with them if you are acquiescing when you would rather not, and you aren't giving them a chance to know you or honor your requests. And if you can't speak up about how you really feel and what you want, relationships are doomed. Gotta find out what it is inside of you (belief, past experiences... I don't know) which has informed this mindset you have and work toward freeing yourself from those beliefs.

Therapy. That is the answer. You need a therapist to help you gain enough self esteem to either happily own your choices (you want to have sex and that's ok) or make choices consistent with your values (you don't want to have sex, and you don't need to say yes to try to make this guy like you).

Delayed gratification. What you're doing right now isn't really intimacy. That's something that comes from really knowing a person. Sex without knowing a person might feel good in the moment, but it rarely feels good soon after. That's not intimacy.

At a mom's conference last year I went to a workshop on marriage. The couple presenting defined intimacy as "Into Me You See." That's not something that happens on a one night stand.

You know in your head that you're not really going to find the intimacy you crave unless you give the relationship some time and really get to know the other person first.

For now, don't put yourself in a position where you won't be able to say no. Meet at a restaurant or a bowling alley. Drive yourself there and allow the date to end there. After a few dates, if things feel right, you can consider asking him to pick you up.

I remember too many girls in high school and college that would break with one guy and then jump right into another relationship. A part of me was jealous, as I really didn't date much at all and was single for most of college. But I knew in my head that what they were doing wasn't healthy either. It's important for our self esteem and self worth to be ok no having a boyfriend (or significant other). So I might not have had a lot of relationships, but I was very confident in other aspects of my life.

Hang in there and try not to force it. Keep working on you, and the right person will find their way to you.

I think you need to get to a point where you feel you have more to offer to a relationship than just sex.
Otherwise you'll just have a string of one night stands.
To me - just sex by itself - isn't intimate.
I want to care about the person and I want him to care about me.
Otherwise it's just prostitution for the price of a meal and/or a movie.
You are worth more than just "wham, bam, thank you Ma'am".
Build a relationship first - take time to get to know one another - and the sex will come later on - and it'll be so much more satisfying.
Some of what you describe sounds like a sex addiction.
Sex addicts are always looking for the next conquest - they are never satisfied.
Please get some professional help and take a break from dating for awhile.

You say no by saying no and keeping your clothes on.
That said, there is nothing wrong with even a first date leading to sex if you want it to. Just be safe and make sure you're taking precautions against an unwanted pregnancy or a STD.

I haven't read all the responses but for what it's worth, I was married 8 years and got a little wild for a few years after we divorced too. Having sex doesn't make you less lonely, it makes you MORE lonely b/c usually it's just a quick hook-up and then you're alone again. For me, it took about 2 years of being alone to be ok with being alone. Alone and lonely are not the same. Hang out with your friends and family more and don't give up the panties so quick - men want what they can't have. Good luck.