I Asked About Potty Training and I Still Haven't Had Anyone Venture Any Advise.

I'm not saying this to be mean. I have 2 ways of tring. one I did with my daughter and it worked out. I put a little potty in the bathroom and had her come in with me when I went and set her on the little potty, with my boy he was harder. he was showen repet and repet, and then when we knew he could use it and he just didn't want to go take the time to use it. We got up set and we talked about it. we desided to set him on the potty with him wet pants in his hand and told him to smell them and look at them he was holding them. it took 2 or 3 times of him looking at them and smelling them and us asking him if he wanted other kids or other people seeing him and smelling that nasty pee smell. He didn't like that and now I have no problems with him peeing or washing his hands.
S.

Sorry, I don't have a solution, you may need to speak with a behavior specialist or a counselor, but I believe she has suffered trama from her separation from the life she previously knew. With her mom it may not have been the perfect situation, but this child was comfortable there and I believe she is having separation anxiety issues. Good luck

Hi J.,
I think that your sweet little step daughter may have some issues with all the major changes she has had. When you have a child that is potty trained and then is taken from the primary home she has known, lost two brothers, forced to move to another place eventually she will act up. For her it may be an issue of this is what she can control in her life. I suggest that you find a play therapist or psychologist that specializes in children to help her work this out. I know that children don't always understand when we do what we think is best for them and I have no doubt that you did act in her best interest but if you give a severely abused child a choice between living in a safe place or living with their abuser, almost everytime they will chose their abuser because it is what they know.

Good luck and keep us posted. I don't think no one responded to your original request to be mean, they just did not have any advice. I saw it originally and was actually saving it to do some searching on possible answers for you. My friend, a psychologist suggested the above answer.
C.

J.,

We have had issue with our son potty training, and when we talked with the doctor, she said you can't force a child to go. I wouldn't pressure her too much. A 4 year olds development reflects a 2 year old. You see a lot of behaviors in a 4 year old that you did in a 2 year old. Plus the trauma she went through probably caused regression. Have you talked to her doctor? She may have a bladder infection, she could have an allergy to something that irritates her stomach. It would be something worth investigating. I would start with your doctor and go from there.

Sorry you haven't gotten much response. I don't know too much about potty training. I have a 28 month old boy who has been potty trained for about 1 month now. I know accidents will happen, however it sounds like your child isn't having 'accidents'. I do believe that stress and major change can have large effects on a child's behavior and one way of acting out is pottying inappropriately. I suggest seeing a pediatrician about it and be sure to tell him/her about the huge change in your child's life... being separated from siblings (basically losing her identity and family), moving to a completely different state - new house, new environment, new peers and absolutely no siblings to help maintain a sense of self and security... I would expect to have many behavioral challenges after such a big life change for such a small person. Please, don't think I'm judging the situation - I'm not. Fact remains, these are huge changes to go thru even for adults, much less being a young child.

I agree with the other posts about getting a counselor or therapist to work with her. I believe this is a result of the changes and stress this precious child has been through. Even though you may very well be providing a perfectly loving home and environment to her now, she has still gone through some huge adjustments... losing her own mother, her siblings... that in itself is a huge ordeal for her to go through. Please have patience with her because this most likely is a control issue, but not her fault. My daughter turns 3 next week and she has been potty trained for just about a month now. I have been encouraging her for about a year, but then one day she just decided she was ready to wear the panties. Positive reinforcement is good, but I definitely recommend finding a therapist, or at least talk to the pediatrician and make sure they know about all of her history. Best wishes! You are doing a great thing by taking care of this precious angel.

Im sorry for what you are going through. I had the same potty problem with my 2 year old son Noah. He would do so good during the day and at night he would pee in the bed. It was hard. And I would tell him when you get the urge wake me up and Ill take you. But that did not seem to work for the longest time. So I would sit him a chair and he could not get off till he told me he had to go to the restroom. We did that for a week or so and he stoped peeing. Its been 3 months. I know your probably frustrated and to the point where there is nothing you can do.But just give it time, maybe she just needs more time adjusting to her situation just like you. Just let her know that you understand and your here for her and your going to do it together. Good Luck, V. from Tx.

Hello J.,

Sorry that you haven't had any respones. I am just now beginning the potty training adventure so I don't have any advise to offer. I just wanted to let you know that NO you don't have to know someone within Mamasource to receive responses. If someone can relate to your situation then they offer their expertise. I have asked questions as well with no responses. Have you asked her pediatrician? Do she attend daycare....some daycares are good with getting the kids to potty. They have them "try" like clock work.

It sound like alot for a 4year old. I would talk to her piedatrician and possibly get a referral for a urologist. A friend is a urolgy nurse and she said it could be the trauma or something physical. If the urologist finds nothing physical I suggest counseling.

I have a 4 year old daughter who was fully potty trained by 23 months. Then suddenly at 3 years old she started wetting herself just tiny drops like she was too busy playing so she'd just let a little out to releive the pressure. This went on for months and I was so frustrated because she was soo easy to potty train initiallly and she knew better. So, I ended up taking her shopping one day and let her pick out whatever panties she wanted. I told her they had to be the most perfect panties ever because those would be her most precious one's. So she picked out the disney princess panties and once we got home we had a little talk. I told her how beautiful her new panites where and how special they were. I told her she would only get to wear them if she didn't pee in her other panties for a whole day. I also told her that for any pair of her new panties she did pee in then they would go straight to the trash and she'd loose a pair of her perfect panties. She had to go a whole day with no accidents then I'd let her wear a new pair the next day. She did really good with this. Granted she did have a few accidents but it worked better than anything else. I would also ask her constantly if she had to go and I would take her in there even if she said she didn't if it had been a while since she'd last gone.

I also agree with what someone else said about not using a potty seat but using the real toilet. That is what worked for me as well.

Hope it helps and best of luck to you. You are truly a special person for taking on the responsibily of raising a child!

I might tell her (if she is excited about going to school) that she cant start untill she goes like the big girl she is.

Honey, I am going through the same thing with my son who is almost 5. Some kids are just lazy when it comes to going to the bathroom. We had him potty trained at 2 1/2 yrs also, but he gets busy doing something and would rather pee his pants than go to the bathroom. Is she hyperactive? One thing that we have done with our son that works as long as we are consistant (which is key) is to give him positive reinforcement....for example, if he doesn't have an accident all day long he can play his playstation game the next day. If he doesn't have an accident all week we take him to the dollar tree and let him pick out a surprise.

So, consistancy is key, rewards for good behavior work and just hang in there because some kids just take longer than others. Also, be aware of the signs that she is going to have an accident, i.e. the "Pee-Pee Dance" or holding herself and take her immediately to the bathroom. Sometimes taking them every hour on the hour to the bathroom helps.

I would talk to a pediatrition. with all the changes in her life I would say it is a control issue...it is the only thing she knows she can control....but thta is just mho

Wow, lots of responses now! I have 2 boys, one with High Functioning Autism - and he was hard to get to use the potty. Here are some things my family has learned:

1) The part of the brain that controls bladder/bowl function is at the back base of the head where the neck joins. This is one of the last areas of the brain to fully develop, and if you are 12 and still wetting the bed at night and there are no physical issues, the part of the body that is responsible for waking you up to tell you you need to pee is too tired and underdeveloped to work. There are medications, but honestly, the fewer medications you take the better off you or your children are.

2) This young lady has gone through a lot. Control issues show up in many many ways. Check with your local univirsities to see if there are any programs through the Psychology departments - in San Antonio St. Mary'sUniversity has the Family Life Center for family/child counseling that is overseen by the phd's and run by the graduate students. Fees are on a sliding scale, from $0 to $20 depending upon income, expenses, children etc. They can help, along with your physician if appropriate, identify the issues going on.

3) Our pediatrician suggested the going without panties for the day routine, and while we talked about it, we did not do it. It probably would have helped, but what did help was the wonderful people at my son's school who coached him through this process. They were able to disassociate themselves emotionally from the process, where I would get too involved. He knew what to do, but usually he got too wrapped up in what he was doing he would forget. A timer sometimes helped. Good luck. Don't take the behavior personally, and give lots of positive attention when she does use the potty, or you remind her to try and she goes to try. Don't do anything when there is an accident - don't scold, make eye contact anything - like training a puppy. Good attention for good behavior, ignore bad, and reinforce good with treats. Sad, but it works!

Try having her go bottomless at home. It looks gross but it worked for my sister. Her daughter was the same way, and the pull ups were a security blanket for her (she couldnt tell that it was wet) So my little niece would be running around the house with no pants on. Anyway, it doesnt hurt to try, especially if you have exhausted all other avenues.

J.

It sounds like this poor child has been through alot during her little life. More than likely she has emotional problems because of what she's been through. My step daughter is 17. She still has accidents at night. She went through a lot when she was little too. Her father (my husband) doesn't believe in Pshycatrists, so I haven't been able to do anything about that. She says she has accidents when she's upset, angry or stressed. You may want to find a doctor for her. I could be a physical problem too. Best of luck to all of you.

M. B

The only thing I can say is that with all of the changes in your childs life, it's no wonder that she isn't potty trained. My advice is that when things are stable and constant again in her life then start over with potty training. They need routine and changes can make a child regress. Don't force her to potty train. If it's because she wants to then it will work much faster. If she knows it's because you want her to then she may fight you.
Good luck!!

J.,

I am no expert however it sounds to me like your little girl has been going through a lot of changes and this could be the root problem for her regression. My only advise would be to be patient with her and do what they do in day care 101 potty training. Take her out of the pull ups and every hour take her to the potty and let her sit there until she does her business. Keep this up consistantly. If she potties in her panties take her every half hour if need be. Some times you just got to start over. Good luck

My daughters have gone through a tremendous amount of changes from remodeling our house and changing their school schedules to now moving cross country, living out a box until our things get delivered and now going to a new school. My youngest is 3 and she use to speak clearly, sleep great and was 100% potty trained. Now she baby talks, walks up at 12 & 3am every night and pees in the potty but poops in her pants.

I called our pediatrician and I'm assured that this is normal for a child who is experiencing a massive amount of changes. People are a creature of habit and when things are disrupted it takes a long time to get adjusted. For some, they never really get back in the groove but take on a different path. With children it's the same way.

So take a few steps back to when you first started to potty train your child. You will have to take her to the potty the minute she wakes up, after meals and before bedtime. After awhile she will remember this routine and do it by herself and you'll find the accidents are few and far in between. Just be patient and celebrate it when she does it right and teach her when she misses. If she has an accident, still put her on the potty while you clean the mess.

Good luck.

I had a similar experience between moving my daughter from daycare to daycare...she was potty-trained and the just stopped. Pooped in the toilet and that was it. I found that M&Ms worked (or even tiny marshmellows). Every time she pottied, I would reward her with M&Ms. She loved it, of course. And...instead of always asking her if she needed to go potty (she would become annoyed of this constant question), I would say, "Mommy needs to go potty - want to come with me?" A majority of the time she would volunteer to go with me. Then after I was done, she wanted to go. Worked for me...Good luck and keep us posted!

Hi J.,

I really understand what you are going through. I am in the process of adopting my two sons, both who came to me through the foster care system and have dealt with exactly what you are going through. My oldest son is going to be four next month and he has only finished training in the last two months. He still has accidents at night, two or three times a week. My advice is heartfelt and I hope you find it useful. He had been trained at 2 also before he entered the state system, or at least that is what we were told. He has been with me a year and from the beginning wore only diapers. He regressed and lost any prior training that he had ever had. We started back training from square one. First of all, I would like to say that the training, I have learned, has got to start with Mommy! I was trying so hard at the beginning and burning my candle at both ends. Finally, I had to access the situation, after months of trying everything, and ask myself a few questions.

Question 1: In the big scheme of things, what is my three year old learning to do besides potty train?
I discovered that my child was really adjusting well to his new home.(he had lost his big sister(6) that he adored and was his caretaker and his baby sister(1)too; been moved to 3 different homes in the last year and a half; now had only his 2 year old brother as the only person he knew at all; got a stranger for a Mommy with a huge stranger extended family; had moved to a strange country town from the city; got a new house and all new belongings; a new daycare; and now had routine in his life that he had never had before.){I am sure your little one has a similar background.} So... he was learning a lot and was doing great with everything else! If we had to deal with all of that as adults we would likely be on medication, seeing a therapist, be lethargic and depressed, and we likely wouldn't care if we were wetting ours pants either.
Question 2: Why am I so stressed about him training before a specific date on a calendar?

It is very easy to get caught up in society's perfect views of how to be a wonderful parent. As foster/adoptive/step parents we are under even more scutiny since we are different than the norm. It is easy to feel like we are expected to be great because we made a calculated decision to take on all that we have! Yet we are handed a child that at age two has a very traumatic history, is a total stranger to us, and needs more love and praise than the average two year old. Average children, in ideal homes, with ideal routines, and ideal bonds with family have trouble training. Society can make you feel like you are a loser if your child is not potty trained by three. Your child, like mine, like all children, is an individual. They are not robots and all learn at different times. We are not superheroes, we are MOMS, humans, and sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we cannot control everything, all the time. If your child's school or daycare is not making an issue over the pull-ups or changing wet panties (and if they are you need to have a conference with them and discuss your child's individual/special needs and how to work together) then stop stressing so. I had to do that. When you stop stressing, you are more patient and positive. Just promise yourself not to care if she wets her panties or her bed today! I pray that each morning. You will find that you will spend more time bragging on her when she does go to the potty like she is supposed to, and less time fussing over every mistake that she makes. That was the turning point for me and my son. His favorite sentence from me is "I'm soooo proud of you!" He became addicted to it and after several months just started going to the bathroom like a pro! He still likes for me to say it and if I forget he will come out of the bathroom asking, "Mommy, you so proud of me?" I quit potty training and started teaching him to be confident, trusting, loving, and happy! There are NO written guidelines for when your child has to be potty trained!!!! There's relief in that thought, isn't there? Relax, just keep up with the laundry so there are always clean shorts and panties in her reach and teach her to change herself. She is going to get it and if she doesn't, who will know by looking at her at age five that she is wearing a pull-up! Don't let what everyone else wants fill up your life and mind. This is YOUR family!

Question 3:
Is my child happy and healthy? Is her Momma happy and healthy too?

First, make sure there is not a medical reason that training is taking her a while. If so start there. Next, ask is your child happy? Are you spending more time loving, playing with her and praising her, or are you spending most of your time fussing at her, making her sit on the potty, disciplining her for other typical behaviors, keeping a spotless house, and in general working yourself to death trying to raise her like supermom! I was spending too much time focused on the later for the first six months. It was not intentional, it just happened when my life changed so drastically. I wanted to be perfect and have perfect children. I now realize my children are perfect- to me, and I am the only one that really counts! (Your children will tell you that!) Also, there is no perfect mommy, just a happy one.

You have my blessings. And my understanding!! ( I am just now thinking about starting to train my two and a half year old, but if he is not trained by four, I really don't care!!! He is wonderful to me, tee-tee smell and all!!!)

Good luck!

Dear J.,

I'm wondering... perhaps this isn't really a potty training issue. I have a dear friend who is a Child Psychologist, and I've heard her talk about children who have been potty trained successfully. Then, when they 'revert' and have difficulty with using the potty, it usually points to another issue (some kind of stress or a control issue).

The circumstances going on in her life have to be traumatic for her, so I would encourage you to seek the help of a Child Psychologist in your area who could help with the root problem. I'd recommend my friend, who is a wonderful Christian Child Psychologist, but she lives here in Houston.

I'm sure that with some help, the potty training issue will take care of itself. I hope you find the help you need!

Blessings,
R.

I had the same problem with my son. We took him to the doctor and they tested the kidneys and bladder and they checked out just fine. the doctor then gave us a hormone spray (for the nose) and it really worked. I can not remember the name of the spray but I am sure if you mention the hormone spray for this problem your doctor will know what it is. We used the spray for about 6 months and the "accidents" went away.
I hope this works for you. I truly understand the frustration that you are going through.

J.,

I agree with most of the responses I've read. I'd definitely consider family therapy whether there is a potty training issue or not. If money is an issue--call a local Church--they often have their own counselors or can give you the name of local Christian counselors. I know from experience that the Church counselors are often free and outside Christian counseling will only charge you according to what you can afford. I went to one that only charged me $15 a session.

I have to admit I am worried about you also. You've taken on an awesome responsibility at 23 years of age. At 23 I was just finishing college and starting to take care of myself. I am now 43 with a 4 1/2 year old and a 2 year old and I can't imagine doing this at 23. I commend you for seeking advice. Continue to do so! Don't give up--having a support system is priceless!!! Four year olds can be difficult even when they haven't been through the trauma that this child has endured!

I definitely would also seek the support of her preschool/daycare teachers!

Regarding the potty training--I agree with the others who said NOT to get caught up in when society say a child should be potty trained. If her other issues are being dealt with professionally and CONSISTENTLY--the potty training may follow quickly. I will say that I had my daughter go bottomless and I think it helped. I planned a few days where we wouldn't have to go anywhere--and she went bottomless all day (until Dad got home). She did pee on herself a few times and she didn't like it so she worked harder at getting to the potty. I have to add that none of my downstairs is carpet--so we stayed downstairs and when there was an accident--I did NOT get angry--and it was easy to clean up. Also,my husband and I discovered that our daughter didn't like the child's portable potty so we bought a couple of inexpensive padded seats (with handles) that just sit on top of the regular potty seat. We kept one in the downstairs bathroom and one in her bathroom upstairs. When she was through using the potty--I just wiped the seat clean and set it beside the potty. For some reason she liked getting her seat and placing it on the toilet herself. They do slide a little bit if the child moves around on the seat--so we would help lift her up on the seat until we got her her own little step. To me that was MORE work--put the step in front of the potty--lift the lid--place the padded seat on the tolet--then get up--but that's what she wanted. I kept the portable potty in the back of my car with wipes and hand sanitizer. Believe me--that has come in handy more than once!!! The ONLY time I used the pull ups was when we were going to be out or in the car for a long time. We also made a special trip and I let her pick out the panties she liked. She liked to read the book "The Princess and the Potty" about a princess who finally chose to use the potty because she didn't want to have to take off her pretty pantaloons and replace them with a diaper.

Lastly, I think the best advice is to take the time to come up with a plan that both you and your boyfriend agree to follow--write it down-and above all else be CONSISTENT and POSITIVE. You said that sometimes you put her in pullups or panites--whatever you decided was best for that day--that is not being consistent. After what this little girl has gone through in the last few years, I'm guessing that she could use a huge dose of consistency in her daily routine.

S.

You are not alone. I have a neice that was the same way as your "step" daughter. We encouraged her by offering rewards for if she were to stay dry for a whole day. At the same time, we would tell her about her special exercises that she could do to help her not peepee her pants. I was talking about the Kegel exercises that you can have her do while she pees in the potty. She can start to pee, but then stop peeing for the count of 3, then pee some more, then stop for 3 secs then go, etc. It worked for my older sister when she was trying to stop bedwetting as an older child. I hadn't seen where anyone recommended that so I thought it couldn't hurt. Also, I know that it could be h*** o* the laundry bill, but maybe you could have her wear her big girl underwear and make sure she has socks on. This way when she wets, she also gets wet feet. It feels horrible to have cold wet undies and feet. That would be a good discouragement.
You're not alone, hang in there. Good luck.

i have 2 smaller girls...the way i potty trained them was not as hard as you think. if you have a potty chair for her dont use it. there is a seat cover that goes on the toielet set and they have some that even play music. get one of those and stay with her in there. take her about every hour or so.....and use the bathroom with her so she sees you go too, being you are her mother and a girl.and by all means...if that doesn't work...put her in daycare for a month or two....they have to train her by their rules if she isn't. they will do it for you!

I can only suggest that you try a counseler or therapist. It is evident that the little one has issues that she still feels she has no control over. This is her way of having control over one small aspect of her life. As frustrating as it may seem I think you can work through this. The counseling is of course for her but I think you could do with a little TLC as well. Keep in mind this has ben a lot for you to handle so try to make sure you set aside some "you" time to relax.

Hi, I am a mother of two boys and know very little about potty training girls, but I figure they all go thru the same thing. I can give you as much advise as I am able and hope that it helps.

First of all, I think that she is not going pee in the potty because she could be adjusting to change since you recently took custody of her from her mother. Some things bother young children and that can prolong or even stop them wanting to potty train.

Also, I believe the reason why she will poop and not pee in the potty is that the poop is dirty and gets all over her unlike when she wets herself which doesn't look dirty just gets her wet and wipes off her easily, She obviously doesn't like the feeling of being filthy, and doesn't mind being wet.
Pull-ups soak up a lot of urine and then they don't feel it as much after they have wet. Panties are not absorbent at all, and the urine runs right thru them, but she feels it. I believe that she needs to feel that pee is also dirty. I would recommend putting her in the cotton cloth underware with the absorbent cotton liner.It works like panties and pull ups. It absorbs like a pull up, and when she does wet she'll feel it and it will have weight to it from the absorbtion.
I too feel that she could be holding in her urine and then when her bladder gets full she has to release and has no time to make it to the potty.If I were you, I would put her on a potty schedule. I would not ask her if she needs to go every two or three hours, I would just take her. I just think she needs to be retaught. I hope all goes well with you and yours. I hope my info. helps...I am here for you...Mail anytime.

My daughter wasn't potty trained until 4 and I had to go to get some help from professionals. First I went to the pediatrician and asked for a referal to a child psychologist. Insurance paid for everything and it really helped me learn why she wasn't going to the bathroom even though she was perfectly able to. And from the sound of it, your little girl is going through a rough time and perhaps needs some help expressing herself differently. My insurance paid for everything so, get a referal and look into it, you might not have to pay anything or maybe only a copay. Hope that helps.

my little girl is soon to be 4 in october. i was very lucky, she has been "trained" since she was two. it's something she did on her own, and she has never had any accidents. but i didn't do any work. she did it when she was ready. i agree that the change may have set her back some. she may be trying to get attention - even if it's not positive. do ya'll get together with other children? when she sees other "big girls" that might get her excited to catch up again.. is she in pre-k or any other programs?

First of all, feel good about yourself for being able to take care of a young child at your age. I was 34 before I had my first child! It is a huge responsibility, and I commend you for it.
I have potty trained a girl, and the best advice I got was to just go w/ underwear only during the day (except naps and night sleeping, but she should be beyond naps by now, probably). They get confused if you switch back and forth between the pullups. It will help if you set aside a weekend or so to stay around the home to enforce this new "undies only" rule. Talk to her about it, that "we don't go pee in our undies" and how it is okay to go pee in the potty and tell you about it if she can first. Try to hide your frustration as long as you can, as she might be using this to lash out at you in some way. If she sees that you are not going to bend, she will probably just give in and start using the potty. Also, peer pressure might work. Talk to her about some of her friends that are 100% potty trained and how she would be so happy if she were also. But don't use it in a negative way, like "jenny is potty trained, why can't you be too?" That won't work. Just the nice easy approach will be a nudge in the right direction. Hope this helps, good luck!