I Am So Broken...

Updated on May 31, 2011
T.G. asks from Trinidad, CO
23 answers

Hey monma's...
I need some help and advice. I recently have found out my husband is having an emotional affair with a co-worker. Well from what he tells me its just been an "emotional affiar".. See I kept getting phone calls about this...and finally I apporached him with it.. and he openly admitted it to me. But an emotional affair looks like a friendship on the outside...Somebody saw something else to me.. I think thats why I people started calling me. We live in a small town...everybody knows everybody...I am so scared...I dont know if I can get through this. This is the second time that he has done this to me. And the last time, I told him if you ever do this to me again...I am not going to put up with it. And at that time in our relationship it was hard...we were disconnected and I guess I could see him turning to someone else. This time I was completely blindsided. We have had some rough patches as do any couple...but honestly I thought we were doing good. He says he thinks about her, he does "like" her and they have thought of meeting but there was always some excuse on some end. He says he wants me and that he has a problem...But I dont know... I am so broken...We have 4 kids... and have been together for 14 years....I just cant believe this is happening... I dont even know what I am asking...I guess would you stay if you were me? If you have gone through this, how did you move on? Please any advice and help...anything... Thank you...

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J.L.

answers from Chicago on

Have you had counseling in the past...Will you consider it again...For any man or woman to have an emmotional committment to someone else there are underlying issues...So sorry you are going through this. I would see some help.

2 moms found this helpful

A.S.

answers from Detroit on

Maybe you should ask him bluntly why he can't talk to you and you be his best friend instead of this co-worker.

My husband and I talk about everything together. We are best friends.

If my husband did this more than once... He'd get punched in the face.

1 mom found this helpful

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

It's too early to make a big decision about staying or leaving. You are in a great deal of pain and that's not a good time to make such a radical decision. I suggest that you first deal with your pain. That means, to me, get started in counseling.

Whether or not you ask your husband to leave, even temporarily, can be decided in a few weeks, once you're able to make more of a rational decision than an emotional one.

Of course, you're devastated. Because this is the second time you're even more so. I empathize with you. Don't fight the anger and grief. Allow yourself to feel. Get counseling to help you direct your anger in an appropriate way.

It's promising that he admits he has a problem. Let a therapist help both of you decide if his problem can be resolved and your relationship repaired.

8 moms found this helpful
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K.P.

answers from New York on

Sorry to say it, but one time can be excused as an "accident"... two times is a pattern of behaviors. If he's seeking out emotional support from outside of your marriage, then he is unhappy (regardless of what he is saying).

I would suggest counseling and possibly a separation. If I were you, I would take a long and introspective look at the entire relationship. Are you happy in the marriage (different than the family) b/c he's telling you that he's not getting what he needs from the relationship.

4 moms found this helpful

R.A.

answers from Providence on

My husband and I have gone through something similar. I was working with a co-worker and we had gotten to be very good friends. Feelings started developing, and I was honest with my husband. We have been together for 13 years, and what got us through was communicating. For me, he is a workaholic, and often would come home late, or work from home til late. We rarely communicated or hung out together due to us both working different hours. I began to rely on my co-worker, and talk to him about my feelings,issues,etc. That was a problem, obviously. I realized that I wanted more from my husband that I wasn't getting, and sought an emotional connection with someone else. In the end, by being honest, my husband was able to hear me out, and we worked through it with some hard, honest talking. We have never been closer, and we have a very good relationship. I did not want a physical relationship with my coworker, I only wanted someone to care about me. By telling you, I believe your husband is trying to be honest with how he feels, and wants to work things out. By it being the second time, I understand how you are feeling. I don't think my husband would be able to deal with it as easily a second time around. However, I would go to counseling first before making any life changing decisions.

4 moms found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

If he is willing to go to counseling, with you as a couple, try that course of action.

I am so sorry....

4 moms found this helpful

F.H.

answers from Phoenix on

I actually have been thru this. I don't believe my husband actually slept with any one, but as he put it he "didn't cross the line, but he walked right up to it." My husband got addicted to porno and chat rooms and ended up texting women. I found out about it but he couldn't/wouldn't change and so I divorced him. Lickity split! I was 39 and literally woke up one day and thought I did not want to be disrespected any longer and I was not going to waste my life and my childrens for someone who clearly did not think we were his priority or really even cared about us. I am now happily married to a wonderful man whom I trust completely and is wonderful to me and my kids. and just an FYI, I married the first time at age 30, thinking I waited for the "right one" and I was NOT ever going to get a divorce. I did not take my divorce lightly and would have NEVER wanted that for my kids. However, now that I'm 44, I can see how life goes by quickly and I did not want to spend MY life being unhappy. Do everything possible to save your marriage, but if you can't, know that there are good things down the road for you and your kids. I know how hard it is...HUGS!

4 moms found this helpful

T.N.

answers from Albany on

By saying to you he 'wants you and that he has a problem', from his point of view is clearly outlining his state of mind.

The ball is in your court, so to speak. Like Marda I think RIGHT NOW is not the best time to make a decision. Clarity can be a long time coming.

It's clear by your post you are not rearing to end your marriage, you are just tired, frustrated, defeated, and your feelings are justified.

I really really hope you can find a professional to help YOU through it, maybe ask your OB for a name, ask a friend, a relative, find an outlet to express your line of thought, THEN decide what to do about HIM.

The best to you.

:)

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

So, so sorry, sweetheart. I've been there. Because he admits he has a "problem" AND says he wants you (and presumably, his family), use this discovery to get the two of you into counseling. It can help you address all sorts of issues that may be simmering below the surface.

If he refuses, you might wish to proceed with a legal separation. Get a lawyer FIRST to help you set fair terms. Set at least some of your joint money aside in an account dedicated to supporting your kids. This may even shock him into realizing how much he stands to lose, but don't do it for that reason – do this for your and your children's good.

I dearly hope things unfold for you in the best possible direction. I lived with an emotionally abusive cheater for 13 years before establishing a legal separation. Turns out, it was better for daughter and self to be away from him, and I proceeded to divorce. A few years later I met the wonderful man I've been married to for nearly 30 years, who bravely step-parented my daughter and gave her a sense of what a good marriage looks like. She has married a great guy herself.

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T.H.

answers from Kansas City on

How heart breaking for you. First I'd like to say that an "emotional affair" does not necessarily look like a friendship. I think that if I saw some other people that I knew were married always talking and giggling and confiding in each other I might think it was more than a friend. That does not mean it became physical though. I just want to say that I know that was one of your concerns and although you might be right, I think outsiders might know something was up even if it hadn't gotten to that point.

Secondly, I agree with the others who suggest counseling. It sounds a little bit like he's reaching out and admitting his issues. He admitted it right away and said he has a problem. I would get into counseling ASAP for both of you, together, separate, whatever! If you aren't ready to give up on your marriage then don't...fight for it, but be prepared for a long, hard road. Hugs!

3 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from New York on

I think it's great that he can admit to having the problem. If you can admit that, then you can get help. You need to sit and think about what you want him to do? Then make him act on it. Is it counseling? It it changing jobs.

I don't get this whole emotional affair thing. When does friendship turn into an emotional affair if you don't physically act on it?

Also, I think you two need counseling. If he needs to get his feelings out to someone else then something is broken between the two of you. I think that you can work this out since there has been no actual affair.

Good luck.

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S.T.

answers from New York on

OH I am so sorry - sounds like you're devastated and I can understand why. I wonder that if you were "getting calls" about it that it might be more than an emotional affair. And personally - an emotional affair is jsut as bad, maybe worse in some ways because he's supposed to be emotionally connected only to you.

You have 4 kids and I assume they're all under 14 if you've been married 14 years. You have to ask yourself the AnnLanders question - Am I better off with him or without him? Will he go to counseling with a serious intent of changing his life? Will he be accountable to another person (another man) who he has to answer to? If he is willing to seriously WORK at his mararige and *forsake all others* I think it's owrth a try - because there are 4 other people involved. If he's not willing to forsake all others and work hard and be willing to answer to someone else as to his whereabouts ALL THE TIME then he's not going to change.

Leaving him or kicking his butt tot he curb will be a big change for you and the kids. In the short run it will b tough - divorce is ALWAYS a drop in lifestyle for the wife and kids. Does he make enough money where you and the kids can get by with child support? If all fo his income is on the books and he does well you may be able to do OK - if he's got a lot of cash/hidden income and if you're just getting by on 100% of his income then you will have a big change in your economics.

It's not fair and it's not right - but it happens. The sins of others affect all of those around them. My dad left my mom with 5 kids (ages 4 - 18) and when asked how she managed that my mom said she got down on her knees and prayed that first hour after he walked out the door with 2 suitcases of clothes - and she kept getting down on her knees day after day. She said she felt such a sense of peace wash over her after talking to the Lord. She started by saying soemthing like "I don't even know if you can hear me or if you're there - but I'm willing to hear what you ahve to say". That was more than 40 years ago. She raise 5 loving kids who would do anything for her.

I'm praying for you mama - that's a tough road to travel - but it's not impossible and you will come out better and stronger each day no matter what you do.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.K.

answers from Phoenix on

You should seek counseling. Do whatever it takes to win him back emotionally. Be attentive, adoring etc. It's no excuse for him and you shouldn't put up with his immaturity but try to work it out if you can by taking the first step. That's what I would do. Good luck!!

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S.L.

answers from Savannah on

if he was willing to go to counseling and break off the personal ties to the coworker, then fine. also add to that in the future, he needs to be completely transparent in female friendships. if there is an ounce of too much closeness, then he needs to let you know it, not for you to find out about it from other people.

2 moms found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Hartford on

I think you need to try marriage counseling. You need to figure out why he's doing this. You need to know that it's not a failing on your part as a wife. He's choosing to put himself in these situations whether you're having marital problems or not, and dare I say that these situations are contributing to problems in your marriage. You have every right to be treated with respect, and an emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one. There's now a pattern to it to boot and he's serial cheating.

Please don't allow him to blame you for his actions. He's an adult and he's CHOOSING these behaviors. No one is forcing him to do this. If he refuses to go to counseling then you'll know where he stands in the marriage. Don't make any threats or ultimatums that you won't follow through with.

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L.M.

answers from Houston on

I am SO sorry to hear this. Please get counseling for all of you. I truly hope all works out for you all. It is great to hear that he has admitted his feelings and thoughts to you. That is a huge step I am sure many men (and women) could not take. Also admitting he has a problem is huge. You have to talk to him. Most affairs happen emotionally as that is what we as humans crave. It is not all about sex. I wish you all the best and hope you can work this out. If you can't move past this and if he cannot fix HIS problem after counseling...then you know what you need to do for you and your kids.

Best of luck and many hugs...

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C.P.

answers from Provo on

Well, I will give you food for thought: You told him last time that he better not do it again or you would be very upset. I guess the ball is in your court now. If you sit by then he will do it again and again. I don't see any excuse for cheating. It is very disrespectful! In my opinion an emotional affair can turn into a physical affair at any moment because it is just a form of affair. You can decide whether you are going to separate, go to counseling, or stay and deal with this the rest of your marriage. Counseling is something that you both want or it won't work. Best of luck!!

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A.C.

answers from Columbus on

I would suggest getting a separation and tell him that if he wants to stay, he has to go to counseling. Then, take it from there.

By separating (and you make HIM leave---you should not leave your home!) you are showing you are willing to follow through on the promise you made early (that you would not put up with it).

He has to earn the trust again, and be willing to address why he keeps doing this, if he wants to try to have a relationship with you again. If he is not willing to do the hard work of counseling and addressing the problems, then he deserves a swift kick in the pants (preferably a frontal kick).

And, make sure you have your ducks in a row--go and talk to a lawyer so that if you need to, you can file. It might even be worth it to file for a legal separation.

And please don't worry about what others in your town think--since the people that care about you have already shown their concern by making you aware of the problem, anyone who judges you badly for separating or divorcing doesn't deserve the time of day.

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B.C.

answers from Phoenix on

I personally would not trust that it is just an emotional affair especially since this is the 2nd time. Keep in mind, this is the 2nd time you found out, there may be more than you have not found out about. If you had not brought this to his attention, he would be continuing with his affair and living a very self serving double life.

If I were you, I would probably start planning my life without him, although I would not let him know I were leaving. I would continue to live as if we were working on things, but I would be secretly stashing away my own nest egg and making plans for my kids and I. If things turn around, great! If not, then you have the means to leave him.

I had a friend who claimed he was having an emotional affair and the more she dug, turns out it was a lot more than that. Every time she confronted him, he would only admit to as much as she knew at the time. Once it was all on the table, and she kept digging turns out their were several more affairs.

1 mom found this helpful

R.C.

answers from York on

I have no advice but I couldn't read this and not respond. I am so sorry you are going through this.

1 mom found this helpful
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K.E.

answers from Denver on

I've been there. Granted only one time - and it was not sexual - but there is still betrayal and wondering why you aren't enough - it's very hard.

We went to counseling for almost 6 months then worked through things on our own for another 6 months. We renewed our vows because I wanted a 'fresh start' after all the ugliness.

I guess the real question is - do you still love him? Do you think he still loves you? Are you both ready to put it all out there and work on saving your marriage? If you both answer yes to all theses questions - move forward and try to save your relationship.

Good luck...

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L.U.

answers from Seattle on

Nope I would not stay. You told him that if he did it again you were out. If you do not leave you are giving him permission to cheat on you again and again. You told him if he did "a" then "b" would happen. Stick with it.
You will never trust him again, and you SHOULDN"T. He has proven that he can't be trusted. He has proven that YOU and your CHILDREN are not #1 on his list.
Listen, if a man is done being married, done loving you than he should have the balls to say it. If he is going to go behind your back than he doesn't value you, your marriage, or the life that you two had together.
L.

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R.S.

answers from New York on

Wow. OK, calm down...by the way I see you wrote your post your thoughts seem scattered and you seem very very emotional right now. Do you have all the facts about what is going on yet? I am not sure you by the way your post is written. Hold off on believing everything you hear and ask your husband himself exactly what is going on. If he is not being forthright, you may want to try a therapist to flesh it all out before proceeding with a divorce.

IMO, and especially if, as you say, this is the second time, I am not sure if this is just an emotional affair. Can a man keep it strictly emotional and not carry it to the next step, TWICE?...I am not so sure. Or, is your husband simply waiting for the right time to carry this from emotional to both emotional and physical? Or, and I am sorry to say this, but is he lying to you?

Try to get as much information as you can, avoiding hearsay. Then proceed from there.

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