I Am Going to Have Let Her Get Abused

Updated on October 28, 2012
N.S. asks from Daytona Beach, FL
17 answers

Seven months ago, I sent my child's father a letter concerning events between my then 3 year old and her 10 year old half brother. The brother would go into my daughter's crib and "bounce around" and whenver she got too loud, he would cover her mouth and nose to stop her from calling out. Her father's response was that she was lying, and when I asked if that is truly the way he wanted it to go, he spit out that he would take care of it.
So in the last couple of months or so, my daughter is now talking about the "husband and wife game." She even woke up at her daycare, crying saying she didn't like going to daddy's anymore. $500 later between doctors and therapist vists, found out in full details what the husband wife game means. They are basically sleeping together and at times kissing. According to the report, whenever she tells him no -- he blocks or locks the bedroom door -- and will not let her out until she agrees to marriage. When she tries to call out or gets upset he covers his mouth and tell her to keep quiet. At times he hugs her very very close until it hurts and says sorry, but does it again. It's pretty much the same issue as seven moths ago, but it has grown. Once again Dad is saying it's all a lie. Even after reading the threapist report and talking to the threapist, he is still sticking to she is lying. While he is willing to keep them in seperate rooms , given his attitude that she is lying and won't really address the issue with his son, would your keep sending her for overight visits? She is now four and her half brother is 11 year old and has been climbing up in belt rankings in kickboxing.

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So What Happened?

The summary of what is happening is above, and took the advice of lots of people here, and well since there is no physical abuse and since he said he would supervise them -- something he said seven months ago -- CPS will do nothing. They will not investigate. I fear I have just wasted $3500 to win an losing case. In the CPS investigator words -- I have to give the dad another chance. Since there is no sign of abuse, there is nothing I can do. So basically I have to shut up, sit back and let it happen.
I have to fail at being her mother. In the last four year, I have worked so hard to persevere her innocence to make her a happy child and now I have to shut up and let all get taken away, I FAIL. i FAIL . I FAIL

Featured Answers


answers from Kalamazoo on

oh, hell no. This needs to end NOW! I have a 10yr old son and I just can't even imagine this. That is NOT normal and I wouldn't think that a 3 yr old would just make that up.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I would absolutely not in any way send her there at all anymore. Ever. If you have documentation from a therapist that these things are taking place you must do whatever you have to do to stop visitation at that house with the brother around. If you can make it so the dad can still visit the child under supervision then that is fine but other than that, I would not allow my child in that house.

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answers from Philadelphia on

call CPS! Hugging too close until it hurts doesnt sound like J. hugging to M., and forced kissing and sleeping together? it sounds like she's being abused. I'd call child protective services ASAP!

ph and no i;d refuse overnight visits or visits that the boy was there until it was sorted out and investigated

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Wichita Falls on

Both children are in danger. Your story reminds me of one from our local children's shelter. They were having a hard time place a very charming 6 yr old because he was a sexual predator. He learned it as a game and could not be trusted alone around other children.

You may not want to hear this, but it is likely that the reason your ex is trying to call it lying is because he either knows the first abuser, or is the first abuser (the one who taught the boy the 'game'). You can't tell who is an abuser by looks, most people who know an abuser would never suspect, except their victims.

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answers from San Antonio on

Do not under any circumstances send her to that house again. Not even for a day visit. If the father wants to see her, he needs to get supervised visitation. She is being abused in that house. Please, please, do not send her back. Call CPS and report this.

If you have to, get a lawyer and fight him in the courts. I know it sucks, and it's going to cost a bit, but please protect her.

ETA: Sweetie, you don't fail. Please don't say that. If you're doing everything you can (legally) to keep her safe, then you're not failing. The system is failing you. *hugs*

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Please update us here. I want to know what happens. I pray that by the time you see this post you have ALREADY:

Called CPS and met with them the same day -- the SAME DAY -- to show them the therapist's report.

Told CPS to call the police right then, as you sit there with them.

Demanded in the clearest terms that your child will not go to that house, period.

Demanded that the boy be taken by CPS for evaluation. He needs serious mental help and must be taken from his father, who denies anything is wrong. As someone else posted -- this behavior is LEARNED from somewhere, so the boy himself is possibly being abused or witnessing sexual behaviors in his own home.

If it hasn't happened already, your little girl is on the road to being raped soon. Please prevent it. Get an emergency court order now, now, now, to halt any contact whatsoever between your child and her father.

Please tell us all of this has been done.

You have the therapist's report in your hands! Why havent' you already gone straight to the cops and CPS? Ask for a same-day emergency family court hearing so you can prevent any contact. Now.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

This boy has learned this behavior from somewhere. Not only do you need to call CPS and get an attorney for your daughter but for this boy. Someone is abusing him. Find an attorney to get a restraining order or a change in the custody/visitation schedule.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

CPS needs to be called, and you should see a court about changing custody. Your child should NOT have been allowed this boy after the first incident. Please, protect your kid!!!!!!!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Absolutely freaking not. No more over-nighters and I would seriously question any more visits until he has put an end to this with the boy. What the hell is wrong with your ex? Marriage game? Next thing you know, he'll be removing her clothing! Time to involve the court. Best of luck to you, this would scare the hell out of me.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

NO. Don't send her for overnight visits or any more visits period. He is dismissing your concerns. Your little one is telling you what is happening to her. She needs to be protected. You should be telling her how proud of her you are to tell you what is going on. Your little girl is being abused and your son is abusing her. He learned this from someone. Do you think the dad is abusing your son?? Call CPS right away and protect your kids. You are right on target to see this as not normal. Don't let your little one go to the house ever again--get the court involved, cps and therapy. Hope your little one is ok.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

and you keep letting her go over there why? I would have been in contact with the courts a long time ago to prevent this or to have supervised visitation for a while. You are your childs advocate.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I would absolutely NOT ever send her back to that house again, not even for a short visit unless you are there to supervise.

This is a preamble for molestation, if she hasn't been molested already.

Take him to court and get a court order stating only supervised visits ASAP!

And definitely get CPS involved. They need to FORCE your daughter's father to take that boy to therapy. He'll be a registered sex offender before you know it!

Like another poster said, the therapist is a mandated reporter so he/she should have already reported this to the police. If he/she did not, then you need to report it and also report the therapist for not reporting it!

Good luck to you and your precious little girl!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I would only allow supervised visits if the court would allow that and no overnight at all. Poor little girl. I wouldn't think a child her age would make things like that up, I guess they could, but I would stop the visits to be sure she is safe.

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answers from Fort Myers on

My heart is breaking for you & your daughter. I live in Florida & as we all know, they have the worst CPS in the US. Please don't stop trying to protect your baby. You did not fail. Don't give up. Call everyone. Call your senator. Call the president if you have to. Protect her !!!! Fight for full custody. My prayers are with you !

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

NO , you don't have to let your daughter go there! Keep calling CPS, they are not doing their job and let your ex take you back to court for contempt for not allowing over night stays. http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/family/forms_rules/995... Read number 2 where it talks about safety. Keep taking her to therapist too so you have medical documentation as to the extent of the issue.



answers from Naples on

Stop sending her there ASAP! Not only am I concerned for your daughter, but what has happened to her half brother for him to do that?! They say that abusers were often abused themselves. I am concerned for both children. No, you most definitely DO NOT have to send her there. You keep fighting for your daughter. You tell everyone that will listen and if they won't listen you keep at them until they do. The therapist's report should be more than adequate proof. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! You are ONLY a failure if you give up. If you have a support system are you leaning on them to help? If not are there support groups in your area you could turn to? Please do not go at this alone. I will keep you, your daughter and her half brother in my prayers. Please let us know what happens.



answers from Miami on

There is no way in hell i would let my daughter back over there. Like others said, i would call the police and explain your reasoning. Maybe the officer will understand and agree with you until you can get everything taken care of in court. And if you DO have to send her, i would go buy one of those tiny little key-chain cameras! I know they sell them at a mall near me; you can't tell it's a camera and it's super tiny and dont quote me on this, but im pretty sure you can even watch live feed. If not live, you can at least access the footage later. But again, that's all a little to scary for me and i would not, under any circumstances, let my kid over there as long as the son was there.

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