I Am About Ready to Yank All My Hair Out!!!

I really feel for you. My stepson came to live with us because his mother couldn't handle him anymore. He is also ADHD and has ODD as well. My suggestion is to call Boystown. They have a workshop called Common sense parenting. They have one for parents of kids with ADHD. It really helped us. One thing we also realize was that it could be worse, some of the parents had children that were way out of control. It will help you gain some skills on how to deal with him and it will give you some techniques to use with him to help him calm himself down. I hope this helps, Good luck.

Dear J., I think my dear it is time for Dr. consult. It seems that both of you need little Pharmaceutical respite.
My daughter had the same problem and now both kids can deal with themselves much better. Also mom is calm/ Nana

Does the school teachers say that he's doing well. if so, is that generally because school tends to be very structured and consistent from day to day.

try setting up a routine that he has each day. you can make little numbered "flash cards" that he pulls out of a pocket and hangs as he completes them. Starting with getting up: Eat breakfast, get dressed, prepare for school, etc., go to school, then when he gets home he picks up where he leaves off. Maybe, hang up coat, bag, etc., do homework, set table, pick up toys, PJs, etc. For each day he complete the pack he could earn credit for something.

my 8 yr old was diagnosed with adhd, odd, and bipolar at age 5. the meds help her throughout the school day, but she gets home i feel like i'm going to go crazy. what really helped her was occupational therapy. a lot of adhd kids have sensory issues. it helped her learn to control herself better. she also has a psr and pysch. to learn how to handle her behavorial problems, plus it gives me a break a few hours a week.
i know the feeling like i'm always yelling at her or grounding her. if ya ever just need to vent, i'm here. i have no family or friends here to talk t5o or give me a break, so i know how that feels.
jenn

My experience with kids with ADHD is you need to find things that help slow down everything going on in their head. One of the things I always recommend is instead of punishing them with just a time-out, give him a notebook and have him write, or in his case draw, what he did and why it was wrong. This will give him a chance to concentrate on one thing for a while. Also, and you may not like this option, but when he is being good, give him sometime playing a video game. You will be amazed how calming it can be, especially if the game has lots of things going on at once. It doesnt have to be a violent game, but something like go kart racing and so on. If he is not use to video games, then he might be frustrated at first, but if you encourage him and watch once in a while, he will catch on fast and it will give you a few mins of quiet for your baby. I say this because I have ADD and found that I am really good at video games because its so busy like my mind some days. lol I have awesome hand/eye coordination now too. Now it doesnt have to be a 24/7 thing, just when he is good. Also keep in mind that many ADHD kids have a learning disability too, mostly dyslexia, like myself, but if you have the patience and understanding that my mom had, he will make it far. Good Luck!

Hi J.,
God bless you for hanging in there! My name is M.. I'm a stay at home mom, but before this I worked as a Behavior Specialist for children with everything from ODD to Bipolar Disorder to ADHD. I also worked with the top 10% of SED (Severely Emotionally Disturbed) cases of children in Foster Care. So believe me, even though I don't have a child with these problems, I do understand what kind of a struggle you are going through! May I ask what kind of meds he is on right now? Before I started my job I was very anti-med when it came to kids. And granted, they are VERY over-prescribed in this country. However, in true cases of ADHD and especially ODD, they can be a small part of the solution. Oh, and another thing. In addition to school being more structured in being a factor with his better behavior, many psychiatrists actually distribute the meds so that they are most effective during the school hours, so be sure to ask his psychiatrist about this. One thing he definitely has going for him, is you. Without Dad in the picture that definitely leaves a lot on your shoulders, but about 80% of the cases that I saw with ODD were in Foster Care. The fact that he has his only loving mother to care for him is going to be a huge factor in his success.
Okay, the other moms did a great job with covering ADHD, so let me talk about ODD for a minute. The first thing I will tell you, is to pick your battles. ODD children will always enter power struggles with you, so remember to prioritize what is important.
2) Give lots of positive reinforcements. This can be hard when you are frustrated with his behavior, but with time he may learn to replace the desire for positive attention with the need to be defiant.
3) Make up a chart of 5 goals that he will try to meet every day. Let him help you pick them. Some ones I would use for this age is "Use your words to express how you're feeling." "When angry, take deep breaths and count to ten or take a self timeout." "Ask before taking." "Be kind to others." "Help Mom by picking up your toys (or whatever his chores are." At the end of the day, the two of you can rate how he did on each goal (say from 1 to 5) then depending on his points, he will earn a reward (keep them small). You can also have him work toward bigger rewards for the week or month. A great reward is doing a fun activity with you! Make sure to keep the goals in the positive. For example this is not a good goal, "Don't talk back." Instead use, ""Listen to what others have to say before responding."
4) Give him something positive to put his energy into. Try a team sport, if possible, as this will teach him to get along with others. If this doesn't work, find another activity that he can do on his own.
5) Take time for you! Look in your area to see what kind of support systems are available.

I hope this helped a little! Please feel free to email me with any questions. I'm sure a child psychologist could help you more, but I'd be happy to do what I can!

What can I do at home to help my child?
Children who have ADHD may be difficult to parent. They may have trouble understanding directions. Children who are in a constant state of activity can be challenging for adults. You may need to change your home life a bit to help your child. Here are some things you can do to help:
• Make a schedule. Set specific times for waking up, eating, playing, doing homework, doing chores, watching TV or playing video games, and going to bed. Post the schedule where your child will always see it. Explain any changes to the routine in advance.
• Make simple house rules. It's important to explain what will happen when the rules are obeyed and when they are broken. Write down the rules and the results of not following them.
• Make sure your directions are understood. Get your child's attention and look directly into his or her eyes. Then tell your child in a clear, calm voice specifically what you want. Keep directions simple and short. Ask your child to repeat the directions back to you.
• Reward good behavior. Congratulate your child when he or she completes each step of a task.
• Make sure your child is supervised all the time. Because they are impulsive, children who have ADHD may need more adult supervision than other children their age.
• Watch your child around his or her friends. It's sometimes hard for children who have ADHD to learn social skills. Reward good play behaviors.
• Set a homework routine. Pick a regular place for doing homework, away from distractions such as other people, TV and video games. Break homework time into small parts and have breaks.

• Focus on effort, not grades. Reward your child when he or she tries to finish school work, not just for good grades. You can give extra rewards for earning better grades.
• Talk with your child's teachers. Find out how your child is doing at school--in class, at playtime, at lunchtime. Ask for daily or weekly progress notes from the teacher.
What can I do to help my child?
A team effort, with parents, teachers and doctors working together, is the best way to help your child. Children who have ADHD tend to need more structure and clearer expectations. Some children benefit from counseling or from structured therapy. Families may benefit from talking with a specialist in managing ADHD-related behavior and learning problems. Medicine also helps many children. Talk with your doctor about what treatments he or she recommends.

Hi J...I understand that it must be hard to go through all this while you have such a young one at home too. I just watched an episode of SuperNanny that talked about ADD. They had the mom do an experiment. They had her put on a set of headphones blaring rock music while everyone around her made noise and told her to read an article in the newspaper. They then asked her what the article was about. She said, "I have no idea, I couldn't concentrate"
That is what it is like for a child that has ADD, there are all kinds of things going on in their little heads, that make it hard for them to concentrate, and it is irritating to them for the slightest loud noises. So, yelling at your child is really making it harder for him. On the show they had the mom talk softer and quietly redirect her child when he started to get off track, and use lots of praise, because a child with ADD often knows there is "something wrong" with them. It is not their fault, it is not your fault, it is just something that happens. They need to know that you have faith in them, it isn't easy, it doesn't happen over night and requires a lot of patience, but it worked wonders with that little boy.
If you can find a combo that works for you and your son, it will help your family a lot.
I am very sorry to hear you do not have help with your babies. I know how hard that is, my ex lives in another state as well, and isn't around to help with our girls either. I do not have family on my side that help, but thankfully, I still get along with his side and they do help if I need a break. Sorry my response is so long! Good luck!

My son has ADHD and Bipolar disorder and I know how you feel.
Here are some suggestions. Don't yell. Use touch and make sure he is actually listening to you before you lose your temper. I know how hard that is. With the ODD, you need to be consistent and firm. If you push too hard, he'll push back. My sister used time outs and body holds to keep temper tatrums from getting out of control.

There is a great national group out there that can help you find great books on ADHD and ODD. They are called National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. Your county mental health center can help you get in touch with them. Or your doc that you get your meds from.

My son has the same problem with the hours from 4 to almost 7 at night. Now that the weather is warming up, we send him outside to play off that extra energy. I know how hard and out of control they can get. Speak quietly, consistantly and use touch to bring him down. Don't do activities that will aggrevate his mood. Is he in school yet? Does he have a consistant bedtime? I know, I've said consistancy a lot but really, that is the key to managing both illnesses. And remember, he's not doing this on purpose. He can't help it. He has a mental illness. I don't mean he's retarded or anything. He is just ADHD and ODD. They are actual problems.

You might qualify for respite care provided by the state and that means the state can pay for your child care. I don't know where you live, here the agency is Childcare Partnerships. They help you with child care.

I also use 1 2 3 Magic. I count to three and if he doesn't do as I ask then, he has a time out. Make him stay in the chair or whatever you use for time out. If he's screaming and trying to get up, hold him in the chair. The timer has to start over it he won't stay in the chair quietly for six minutes.

Another thing I learned was to give my son plenty of warning when we were going to switch activities. Like if he was playing with his blocks and I had to go to the store, I told him we were leaving in 10 minutes for the store and to start putting them away. Then, every minute or so I'd remind him again that he had to put away the blocks so we could leave.
Most kids with these problems don't handle change very well. They need plenty of time to adjust.

Tell him how you expect him to behave in certain situations and they stick to it.

I hope this helps. GOOD LUCK!!!! God bless you for wanting to help him.

J.
I am a single mother living with Attention Deficit Disorder. I have had it since I was a young child. Living with that has been difficult but I have been able to make it. The advise I am going to give you is actually for you to tell your parents. "I'm not trying to have you fix the problem all I am asking is for you to take him so I can get a break." Let me ask you this, Do you have any siblings and if you do did they have this same disorder?

First of all, CHIN-UP! It is going to be ok. I know, it is easy for me to say because I am not there but all of our kids go through something and we ask for help and we get a new groove that works.
Have you tried walking up to your son and getting down to look him in th eye and say calmly, honey, I need you to ___ and then if he says no or doesn't do it, take him by the hand, nicely and escort him, even using his limbs for him. i know it sounds];
drastic, but then finish with a thank you. After sometime of him seeing you follow through like this you should be able to ease up with the literal hand holding. Believe me I have done it! I do still look right at my daughter or tap her on the shoulder and if she does not do what I ask, I shut off the tv or remove her from her current task, period. Oh and the one thing I do is if can't follow through at that time, I don't even ask her to do anything because you have to be consistent. Oh and lots of love and POSITIVE reenforcement. Remember to seek opportunity to point out good he does.

Hi J.
I am a mom of 6 and two grandbaby's, my kid's are ages. 10,10,16,17,18,20. and 4 are ADHD And my 10 yr old daughter and 16 year old daughter is Bipolar, ADHD, anxiety, and good old ODD, It is a big struggle, My 10 yr old daughter is VERY opositional. It is a challenge everyday of my life, but God gave them to me for a reason, One thing I recomend is ask your child phsycologist for reading material on his disorder, and research and read online, and ask for support groups, Being educated about it is the best way to handle it, feel free to email me to chat about this topic,____@____.com

Hi J.,
When my kids were little my daughter would throw these fits that I would want to just throw her through a wall. I didn't like that feeling and felt like I was a horrible mom because of that. I went into couseling and she did to and it was amazing the difference it made. Maybe you could do that, and they might beable to help you with where to go to get help for breaks with your son.

My cousin's oldest son has AD/HD and he was a handful when he was younger. I think he got kicked out of kindergarten for slugging his teacher. But he is older now and you couldn't ask for a nicer kid. It takes alot of patience that is forsure. Where do you live J.?

Good Luck
L.

I have adopted 4 children. The youngest of them also has ADHD and ODD. She has been with us now since she was 2 1/2 (she is now 9) so we have been dealing with this for years. We also had her on medication for some time. Over the years trying out different types of meds I found that the ones that worked best for her are the ones that have to build up in the system. Strattera (sp?) was a god-send for us. It took a little under a month for the full effects to show but her concentration in school, her behavior in public settings, everything showed massive inprovements. While medication can be helpful we also needed more stratigies for handling her behavior. Working with a psychologist we learned to help to control the ODD by giving her options. This allows the child to feel that they are in control. They do not realize that the two options you are giving them are of your choosing, not theirs. For example, they need to clean their room. You can give them the option of doing it right now when you told them to or doing it tomorrow after school. But if they choose to do it tomorrow after school they will not have time to play outside before supper. By giving them options that are both acceptable to you allows them to feel control over their lives. This has worked great for us. At first I had trouble coming up with options that worked for me but with practice I have gotten better. As far as dealing with the ADHD we have found that a "key" word is helpful. We stumbled upon this while she was in kindergarten and struggling to learn her letters and numbers. She would become frustrated VERY easily and begin to scream and throw horrid fits. Speaking to her in a calm tone of voice helped and along the way we started using the same word with her. The word was FOCUS. We would say it in a calm voice repeatedly to her and it seemed to help her calm herself and actually focus. She has kept this word and it is still used when she gets out of control. All we have to say is "focus" and she stops and listens. If this will be helpful for you I don't know, but I sure hope so!!

Hey, J.! Sorry you're having such a challenging time. While my daughter doesn't have ADHD, she can be a handful. She can't stand when I yell at her (it's no picnic for me, either), but I can relate with you in that sometimes that's the only time she does listen. In any case, I was just wondering if you have some kind of behavior chart to work with. My daughter is pretty visual, and the chart seems to help her know and understand my expectations of her as far as what she needs to do each day and how I expect her to behave. Her goal is stay at 10 each day. She loses points/privelages if her behavior is inappropriate, but can earn rewards/privelages when she does what's expected. It works well when I stay consistent with it. I'm also a single parent, and that's easier to say then to always follow through on. I also find it helpful if after I've given the 1st redirection, to physically go over to my daughter, get on her level, look her in the eye, and give her the serious mom voice. She's also very independent, so giving her choices rather than orders is crucial to disengaging a power struggle. Using "I messages" also helps. Examples might be, "I feel frustrated when I've had to ask you 3 times to pick up your toys because I want you to listen the 1st time I ask you." Or, "I feel so proud when you set the table because I see how responsible you are." I've also enlisted the help of her school counselor. She helped me develop my daughter's behavior chart and helped me teach it to my daughter. He/she probably has much experience in working with other children with similar needs, maybe he/she would have some other ideas. I hope you find something that helps. Take care and stay strong!

T.

Hi J.,

I am sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine dealing with it alone.

There is some evidence that chemicals in our everyday products contribute to ADD/ADHD. Have you ever thought about switching to chemical free prodcuts? The number one selling baby shampoo has Formaldyhyde in it along with tons of other personal products. If you would like more information I have some testimonies from other people with children with ADD/ADHD. I don't want you to feel as if I am trying to sell you anything, I do have an option for you however there are also chemical free products that you can get at stores such as Target etc. called Method.

Let me know if you would like more information and I can tell you more.

I wish you luck! I feel the same way about my little man. He is definately my angel!

Hi! I also have this problem at times with my 7 yo after school. Mostly because kids act however they want at school and he sometimes bring home their attitudes! So we just have a talk and I let him know that behavior is not tolerated. I use time-out and in extreme cases, the plastic spoon. The reason you use a spoon instead of your hand is so they do not associate it with hitting..but rather spanking. It is never good to use your hand(s). We try to follow God's way instead of man's also. There is a book I just started reading called "Tired of arguing with your kids?" by Dolores Curran it is a compulation of wisdom from other parents who have been-there-done-that. I also have several Dr. James Dobson books and I think he is a wonderful speaker as well. I believe you can listen to him on http://www.focusonthefamily.com/
I will keep you and your son in our prayers!
HTH,
C.
SAHM 7yo & 19 month old boys.

I have a very active child though he does not have ADD but I have worked in several after school programs with boys just like yours and though many other people found the children with more active bodies hard to work with I did not.
One thing that worked so well for the little boy who sounds just like your son and my son was outside time.
Kids relax differently than adults and for us to go home and sit on the couch and "veg" in front of the TV or read a magazine is ideal but to kids it is the freedom to run, jump, scream and yell. They sit all day just like we do having to be quite and pay attention. It is taxing on their little minds.
My suggestion to you is take your son to the park or a play ground for 30 minutes before going home to have quiet time. Let him run around and be crazy and loud. He has so much energy let him use it somewhere where it will be okay to be loud and have lots of room to run and get it all out. You will be amazed how much better he will come home and you can use that time to just sit and watch him play.
You don't have to stay at the park for long but 30-40 minutes but it gives him the chance to get all that energy out and you can have a little alone time if even only for a minute. I hope this helps.

HI J. M,

I have a 7 year old that behaves the same way. However his diagnois' is cognative impaired, but a very late talker (just now getting the hang of it) What I did and I hope it helps you - I basically explained to him that he needs to listen and acknowledge he heard (by telling me) or I take away a toy for a timeout. If that didn't phase him, he would need to sit on the bench. (our timeout spot).

It is very hard not to yell. I do it more often than I would like. I think at some point everyone does. I am planning to take a love and logic class in Eagle here starting April 13th (i think thats when it starts) Let me know if you are interested and I will send you the info.

L. :)

I don't have advice but I do have a light for the end of the tunnel. Our friends had a son with all this as well. It's only been a few years and we see HUGE difference in him. He is invovled in dirty bike racing and loves it! This child was never able to play with one toy for more than a few minutes! He was constantly fighting with his sister, being iolent with friends and family. Everytime he was asked to do something it was a fight. He know is a wonderful child and is doing GREAT in school. He still has his moments but they are about half as bad as the use to be.
Try looking info up on the internet. I did for my son's autism and found a lot of helpful tips. My mother also copies off magazine articles she finds for me. When you read positive outcomes you tend to have a more positive attitude.
Make sure he stays busy too. Idle hands tend to find trouble!
I hope this gives you hope.

Homeopathy is supposed to have some really amazing results. You can follow this link:

http://www.abchomeopathy.com/c.php/3

and check all the boxes that seem to fit your son to find out exactly which remedy would fit his symptoms. The questions might seem crazy, and it will go through a LOT of them. Some seem like repeated questions, but homeopathy has been around a LOT longer than the meds your son is probably taking. You can buy any of the recommendations online or at a health food store.

If you can afford it you could just go to a homeopathic doctor. But unfortunately insurance probably won't cover it. Good luck!

I am also a single mom of two kids, my son, eight, who has been diagnosed with ADHD and my daughter, six, I believe is ADD. I don't have any family nearby but love where I live and my job, so I didn't move when I got divorced six years ago.

I agree, that many people have given great suggestions to deal with the ADHD. I would also suggest that although it may be difficult, try to reach out to others. Whether it's a church group, friends, or other support groups. I personally belong to two twelve step programs that actually provide daycare during meetings!!! AHHHHHH a lifesaver in more ways then one.

There is help out there. I think you really do need a break and if your parents aren't willing to support you in that you need to find another way.

Best of Luck!

H.

I see you have had tons of feedback already. I also have a 6 yr old son with ADHD & ODD. He was diagnosed at 3 1/2. We have tried several different techniques to try and deal with him. I was initally very against medication...but after trying a few different kinds...I started seeing a big difference in him. He is currently taking Daytrana...the first ADHD patch. It's been working great for him and I feel so fortunate to have this medication. Now he can concentrate in school and not get into so much mischief. I would HIGHLY recommend finding a good child psychiatrist, if you haven't already. They can assist you with different techniques to helping your son and prescribe the best medication for him.

K., Papillion

Hi J., Sounds like you are dealing with my child. Except he hasn't been diagnoised with anything yet, i'm on the waiting list at the specialty clinic. He just turned five in feb, and about drives me crazy. I have been trying to keep from screaming at him also, it is hard. I do know that this is not your fault and that your not a bad parent. I have noticed that time outs after asking three times helps. Also i give my son a cherry pepsi in the morning, because he's not medicated. my sister and brother use this method (caffine) on there adhd children and it helps a little. If you find anything that helps, and want to clue me in. or if you just want to talk, i'm here. i could use some help also... good luck

You are describing my son too. I have the same problems with him. He is 7 and also has ADHD and ODD. It's not your fault. I am finally starting to get him under control. I changed doctors and we change his medications and increased the dose until he we found the right combination and amount. I also take him to therapy twice a month. I have found that consistancy helps alot and anytime there is any kind of a change it really throws him off balance even if it is something as small as a change in bathtime routine. I totally understand where you are coming from. If you live in the Des Moines area, Dr. Bertroche is a wonderful doctor and he has wonderful therapist. Hang in there.

J.,

Most doctors I have heard about concerning ADHD have told patients that they should look at removing certain chemicals contained in their common household cleaning products. I would be interested in what products you use to see if this may be a starting point in helping your son and yourself with this. Send me this info if interested, and I will see if I can help with this.

A. R.
____@____.com

Hi J.!
My heart is with you on this one! You certainly have your hands full! I just got done councelling two sisters, one with ADD and one with ODD. Their mother came to me with pretty much the same situation you have. The more you know about these things, the better you will be able to get a handle on it. Yelling, however, is definately out, Honey. It only makes things worse. Speaking in a calm, yet FIRM voice is essential. Boundaries are necessary too. Clear, simple ones. And structure is a must. These all go hand in hand and shows your child that not only do you love him, but that you can handle anything he dishes out. As Stacy said, it's not your fault, or his. Granted, the girls I councelled were older, one of the things that worked with them was to simply state, "I'm the Mom. You're the child." Then follow it up with whatever is at hand for the moment. (I councelled Mom as well in showing her how to treat the girls.) With ODD, sometimes they need to be reminded of that. I love the responses you received here from all the other moms. They know what they're talking about. It's not an easy road to travel for you, please remember that is not easy for him either. I guess you could say that he walks around in a state of confusion all the time. (That's putting it simply.) Too many things going through his head at one time, not being able to concentrate on any one thing for very long because of it, and not understanding what's wrong with himself. Thus, frustration and anger. Encouragement, patience (and that is SO hard sometimes!), and compassion work wonders. Here in Atlantic, we have something called Crisis Care. It's for parents like you that need a break and have no one to help. It's a group of licensed day care providers that specialize in extraoridnary kids. It's free and it's organized and supervised by Department of Human Services. You don't have to be on state help or be afraid of the state stepping in and taking charge of your kids. It's just an out for those who need a break and don't know where to find it. Maybe they have something similar to that in North Dakota. Sure wish I were closer to help you out! If you'd like to chat and make a new friend, send me a private message and I'll give you my email address. Although it may seems as you're alone in all this, you're not, J.. There are moms all over the place that deal with this too. It's hard and challenging for you. You are one smart cookie for seeking help and advise. Hang in there! All the moms that responded to you have excellent suggestions....Try 'em out! And smile. It could be worse....your little one could weigh 500 pounds, have purple hair and love eating ice cream for breakfast! LOL!! Gotta love 'em!!

Just Me!
S.

Sorry J., I DO NOT BELIEVED ON ATTENTION DEFICIT D.......or many issues they created for kids. I had two of my friends putting their kids on drugs because of this and they are really a mess. They are so smart that they have to be busy thats all. Some teachers they do not have the patient to deal with smart kids but sometimes smart kids are called "ATTENTION DEF." , etc. They called my son 24 year old with that when he was "9" and I just pay ATTENTION to him and he never take any drugs for "ATTENTION" he had his own company at 18 he bought his own house, he does not drink or do drugs and he is going to be married next summer. Sorry but if you pay "ATTENTION" he will be fine. Never yell at your son he needs your love and "ATTENTION".