I Am a Doormat!

To be blunt, you husband sounds like a boy and not a man. He is wrapped up in himself and all his fun stuff while you be the adult and take care of things, not to mention be left out in the cold with no real partner. It is time to have the kids gone for an afternoon or evening while you tell hubby to totally block out that time for you so you two can talk. You will have to start and lay everything out on the line and be very clear about how you feel and what you expect. If he listens and agrees, great, start making concrete plans then and hold him to it. If he gives you a lot of lip service or a runaround, then I would say it is time for counseling again and go from there. This man needs to grow up and learn how to balance his responsibilities with his fun, just like every other adult on the planet. No more excuses from him! He made a commitment to you in marriage and to being a father to the children, now it is time for him to step up.

I didn't read the other responses, yet, because I wanted to be sure to share my true gut response. You two are living separate lives. I understand that you don't want to live this way. I think your expectations will continue to bring you down because the man you married simply does not live up to them.

I know couples who function in the kind of arrangement that you described. I know a man just like your husband. His wife had to learn to create her own life, one that she could be proud to live. She puts her efforts into their child, their home, her work. She supports him with all of his crazy ideas (2 bands included!!!). She puts her foot down when he asks too much of her. If it is important to him, he needs to make it happen on his own. He is grown up enough to recognize that. But he works hard for his family, and he gives his daughter plenty of hugs and snuggles. It's not the easy, dreamy fairy-tale, but it works for them. They worked hard to get there because they are truly committed. Well, SHE worked hard because they are truly committed.

When you spend less and less time doting on him or waiting for his call, he will see that you don't NEED him. This is powerful. He will either realize that you are only bringing to the relationship what he brings, and he won't like it. OR he will love it. He might be waiting for you to break through this way. Did he ever mention something like this?

Obviously this arrangement doesn't work for you. Can you accept that the marriage you entered requires you to be more self-sufficient and self-reliant than you otherwise hoped? This decision is really all about YOU, not him.

YOU should take the kids on a family vacation. Tell him about it after it's all booked, and invite him. Live on your terms.

(I imagine that this response will be in the minority. I believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage, and I wish the best for you and the promise that you made for your family. I trust that you will find the solution that works for you and keeps your family together, if you are committed to it.)

It sounds like you and your husband aren't on the same page in terms of what you what/expect out of life/marriage, etc.

Some of us want our husband's home every night, while others have their own busy things going on and could care less. We all want and need different things. So, since your husband's playing isn't working for you, you need to tell him that. Don't criticize, don't get angry, just tell him what you want and need. If he isn't willing to make the changes, then I highly recommend going to a therapist by yourself to work out the changes you need to make to make yourself happy. If, when telling him, he starts to get defensive, and an argument starts up, calmly just say that you don't have the energy to fight about this and walk away. Being a strong female isn't about getting angry, it's about standing firm and holding your head high. Become an Ice Queen and see how he reacts to that. I would also dump some of the housework on him, telling him that I have too much on my plate and need help, period, end of discussion. Nagging, complaining, etc. only drive men further away.

At the end of the day, you cannot change another person, and it sounds like your husband has very different priorities and most likely won't want things to change. Actions are the only things that truly count, and you need to tell him that as well.

You don't say whether you have children or not.... personally, I would consider counseling for yourself. Your choices are, really, whether you are going to allow yourself to put up with his selfishness and egomaniacal ways any longer or give him an ultimatum and stick with it. You have allowed this behavior to continue. Sadly, his actions are speaking loud and clear - he is putting his other interests in front of his marriage and anytime you let ANYONE or ANYTHING come between you and your spouse, you are asking for trouble.

Being vengeful and angry isn't working for you. Putting your head in the sand and feeling sorry for yourself isn't working either. You need to find someone who can help you sort out your feelings so that you can determine what it is that you want in your marriage, so you can move forward. You vowed to stay committed but... to what degree???? You are not working together for that common factor.

As far as planning a summer vacation - are you just trying to see if he will do anything proactive for the sake of the marriage? If he hasn't been there for you - why set him up for failure??? I'm guessing that you already knew he wouldn't plan one. Don't play games. Get some dates from him and have a couple date nights or have a weekend away - so you can see what it is like to spend a week-end alone. This may give you some insight as to whether your marriage is worth salvaging.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said... "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". It's a good mantra for you - keep repeating it. Be strong. Good luck.

It seems as if you are doing all the changing/accepting in the marriage, and he is just along for the free ride.

Did he make any changes after the counseling?

I would be very upset that he could not set up a fmaily vacation or date nights, yet go on a 4 day golf trip.

I think in order for your marriage to survive, he needs to make some serious changes/compromises as well.

Hi there-

Unfortunately, I think that you have set a precedence for allowing all of these activities and so he probably does think that you are the "best" because you let him do all of this. He gets the best of both worlds...well, kind of. He is missing out on what it means to be a husband and have a family. He has this in theory but he doesn't know the meaning of the word.

It's hard for me to give advice because I wouldn't have let it get this far nor would I have gotten involved with a guy who wasn't going to put me and our relationship first. Frankly, I don't foresee how things could change. You have already done counseling and that only worked temporarily. He is used to having the best of what he considers to be both worlds and is having a blast. I am not sure there is a way that you could get him to "want" to choose just you nor pick only one or two activities and you.

Finally, I question whether or not he is or has cheated on you. Guys that stay gone all of the time do so out of guilt.

I know this isn't what you were hoping for and I'm sorry. I usually air on the side of working things out but my unbiased opinion is that he left the marriage long ago and you are trying to make something work that isn't there.

Hope this helps. Good luck.
N.

I understand where you are coming from with the Band thing. I think sometimes people have goals in their life (like being in a famous band) and they forget that there are other things in life.

It sounds to me like your husband only cares about his goals. He might as well have gotten a butler and a maid to live with him! A true marriage is where both of you have goals you want to achieve and you do them together.

In order for a marriage to work BOTH people have to be willing to put effort into it. You can wish and hope and work all you want but if he doesn't put the effort in you don't have a marriage.

In life, people can only do things to you as long as you let them. I know you have an idea in your head of what you want and maybe your husband seemed like he'd be all those things but you can see by his actions that you are not the first on his list. Life is not about playing in bands and fantasy football. Life is about BEING a husband, a father, a musician and balancing it all. My husband is in a band, he also owns his own business. But he's a good husband and father first and foremost.

You need to have a talk with your husband about his "ideal scene." What does he picture as the perfect life? Then YOU need to sit down and figure out what you consider to be the perfect life. It's not about what you think you can have, but what you really want. What do YOU want out of life? Don't think about how you can make your situation livable. Think about what makes you happy.

Once you both know what you want you can see if your present situation fits it. If what he wants doesn't fit what you want then you know it's time to part ways. It's OK to part ways.

There are so many people right now who live in poverty, or in war-torn countries. We are so lucky to be living in America where we can do what we want. So exercise your freedom and find your own happiness. No one is going to make you happy. Happiness is something you achieve for yourself, and you are in charge of your own happiness.

You will be a doormat as long as you agree to be one.

Good luck. May happiness bless your life.

It takes both people to make a marriage work and it sounds like you are making all the compromises here. My ex was heavily into online roleplaying to the point where it interfered with our marriage, ruined our finances,... it was really unbelievable. We also went to counseling and his resolve to do better did not last and I ended up getting a divorce. It was TERRIBLE, but now I am in a much better place with a much better man and I never could have imagined how things have changed.

Are you serious about both keeping your marriage AND making it change? You need to make your husband understand how serious you are. Can you take your kids and go visit relatives for a couple of weeks? Let HIM be on his own for a while and see how he likes it. It sounds like you have been doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. You are responsible to yourself and your children first. He is an adult and you are enabling him, just as if he was an alcoholic. Go to your parents for a while- I am sure they would be appalled at his behavior. If you can't do that, is there a friend you could stay with for a little bit?
Let your husband see how much you do, by NOT doing it for him.

Go to see a counselor with him. If he is at all serious about his marriage, he will agree to go. I think you are fair to insist that he drop one activity. Do not be afraid to point out to the counselor AND to him how he promised to change his ways before, and then just fell back into the old pattern. If you are really so unhappy that you are considering ending the marriage, then you have to make that very clear to him. If you don't take yourself seriously, then he won't either. Don't let your concerns be dismissed as being whiny or bitchy- they are not.

In the end, if none of this works, you may have to take a good hard look at your life and the kind of life your kids have with this guy full time and ask yourself if the good things outweigh the bad. If they don't, then don't be afraid to do what is best for yourself and your kids. If that is a separation or a divorce, so be it. You can be strong and take care of things if you have to. You can find someone to love you who will appreciate you and shoulder his share of the family burdens. It CAN happen. I really hope your husband sees the error of his ways. You sound like a very loving, nurturing person. But you should be loved and nurtured too and so should your family. You and the kids deserve this guy's attention a lot more than a fantasy football league or a bunch of golf buddies or music groupies. Be strong and good luck!!

I am so sorry. I am going throgh a very difficult time in my marriage too. Not the same exact things that you are describing about your husband, but similiar. Mine are different because, my husband works nights and I dont work. Well I do but I am a labor doula so I dont work all the time. We have 3 kids and 2 have Autism and he leaves all of the care of them, especially the youngest who is low functioning up to me. He really always has but it has gotten worse. He goes to his grandmas all the time when he is not working, and then when he is home, he goes down in the basement to watch tv, or is out in the yard working, or just doing things, never with us. He goes to his grandmas two times a week for lunch and never asks me to come along. I am so sorry. I know how sucky this is.
S.