Husbands Social Life- What Is Appropriate?

Updated on April 26, 2010
H.G. asks from Longmont, CO
50 answers

Hi ladies.

I am trying to get feel for if my husbands social life is getting out of hand or if I have unrealistic expectations.

I am a stay at home Mom to our daughter, who is 3. My husband owns his own business, also working from home. He works very few hours (and our financial state reflects that.) We are behind financially, but still he doesn't work as diligently as I think he needs to (on a "good" day he is in the office for 2-4 hours). He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants with very little consideration to the family. (3-5 trips to Lowes every week, daily trips to the store for chewing tobacco, misc. errands, gym, etc.) I am lucky to get time away by myself to do the grocery shopping. He spends the evenings by himself- buried away in the basement. He would rather be in the basement alone than with me intimately, as after our daughter goes to sleep is one of the main times available for intimacy. He sleeps in a different room, down the hall.

He ran into one of his oldest friends a while back- they went to high school together and were attached at the hip for a long time. His friend lives 5 minutes away from us, not married, no kids- living the life of a bachelor. My husband talks/texts his friend daily and often drops in to Home Depot, where he works, across town. He goes over to his house to spend the evening 1-2 times a week, leaving here around 5:30 ish. Sometimes he comes home around 1 am, one time he came home at 10:30, but he often spends the night.

I have communicated to my husband that I don't think it is appropriate for him to spend the night- it is 5 minutes from home, he needs to come. He agrees with me, until he spends the night again and doesn't understand why I am upset. I've asked him to communicate to me when about he expects to be home, so that I can make sure I am prepared (letting the dog out, shutting lights off, etc.) That rarely happens.

I do have time with my 2 best girlfriends- they and their kids come over for lunch on Mondays. With 7+ kids playing around, you can imagine how much quality time we get to spend together.

Those are some basic details. We have trust issues as my husband is an alcoholic who has lied to cover up his drinking for several years. I do not believe that he is cheating on me, though he has had issues with pornagraphy. I have been very clear and honest with him about activities and things that would help build trust, and he agrees with his words but not with his actions.

So, I guess my two questions are, how would you feel based on the information stated above and what is appropriate for your husband and his social life?
Thanks ladies. As upset as I am, I don't want this to be a bashing of my/our husbands. I don't think any good can come from that. But I appreciate your opinion and experiences!

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S.L.

answers from Boise on

I would suggest you attend an Al-Anon meeting for support. Wishing you the best.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

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B.D.

answers from Denver on

His behavior is that of a college student. You speak of nothing about his relationship with his daughter which tells me that is close to nothing. I would seek help for both of you or get out.

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M.R.

answers from Provo on

Wow. I'm sorry you are going through all this, but this is not typical husband behavior from anything i've ever seen. I can't really comment because my husband is amazing, and I've never been around this type of behavior. But I would definatly be upset if i were you. This behavior is selfish, not loving as a true relationship should be. Good luck with whatever you do

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K.M.

answers from Detroit on

What I learned when I was married to an alcoholic was I could only be in charge of myself. I started going to Al-anon meetings (for those living with Alcoholic's or in a relationship of some sort with one) and to counseling. This helped me a lot. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do in this situation but something I have found to be a help in any relationship is to make a list of the good things and a list of the bad things about the relationship and see which one is the longest also seeing things in print and saying them out loud makes us see if this is where we want to be. Your Docotor should have information on where the meetings are. Good Luck to you and if you want to email/vent I am contacting you in a private message with my email address.
Kay

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A.M.

answers from Spokane on

First I want to say that I am sorry you have to go through this. I have been in a similar situation with my now ex. We were together off and on from 18 years old to 22. I left him after we had our son.

from the begining of the relationship he smoked pot. This was something that I had made clear on our first date I did not want to be around and he said he would stop. He would sneek behind my back and lie all the time. There was no trust but I chose to stay thinking that he would change. The bigger issue here was the lack of worth I had for myself, my needs, and my wants.

When we had our son it just got worse. he was in college full time and interning part time. I became a stay at home parent and at that point lost all value. He would schedule late classes (11:30 p.m.) and say he was studying at the library then go to his friends and play video games. We got him a Ski pass to Schwitzer and he would leave every weekend to go. This whole time I was lonley stress and overwhelmed. I actually don't remember the first three months of my son's life. When ever I asked for time to shower or take a long bath he would bring the baby into the bathroom and sit while I showered allowing me no time to relax.

I thought that if i worked with him and understood that he still needed a social life that he would come around and be apart of the family. In the end it only got worse. We tried counseling and every time that I would open up to him he would turn and throw it in my face.

I finally look at who I was turning into and what kind of parent i was for my son. I realised that I wanted my son to have better then what he had. So I left him. Not for me but for my son.

My advice here is that you can not make him be apart of the family he has to WANT to! You have to show your daughters what it means to love yourself and that you are a valuable too! Sometimes being a good parent means leaving. Knowing when to let go so you can all be happier is best.

If your not ready to do that then counseling is an option. Making time for you, girls nights where he is required to be at home with the girls. If he's not going to be at the office then he can be at home helping. see a debt counsiler that can help you get things worked out. You find things to do for you.

I never thought I could take care of myself, but with the alternative I knew I had to find a way! I have since graduated from college. We lived off my financial aid and state aid, without child support. Things were tight but we were happy. My son wasn't exposed to the stress and neglect and pain and frustration like before. I am engaged to an amazing man that loves us both with a whole heart, not just what he was to spare.

It can be better!!! He doesn't want to do it so you have to! It is hard but it's the best thing I have ever done.

Good Luck!

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J.B.

answers from Atlanta on

Get a job and leave his lazy butt! Seriously, I know that sounds harsh -if you really love him, offer him the opportunity to start working 40 hours per week where he actually MAKES money, and let him know that until he can work full time, no more money gets spent on his "social life" or at Lowe's or Home Depot. Wake up here -you've given us this info: He's an alchoholic; he has issues with pornography; he doesn't really work enough to count for much and he spends very little time with you or your child. HE DOESN'T EVEN SLEEP WITH YOU! So, please explain again WHY you're there? I'm not sure what he'll have to do, but it sounds like he's passively-aggressively trying to force your hand into leaving. There's also no good to be had in having your daughter growing up with THAT as a role model for how men should behave.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

If I were in your shoes and my husband was acting like yours, I'd look into getting a job. Your husband is abandoning you on a lot of levels. At some point if he never comes home you are going to be on your own. You might as well prepare yourself so you and your daughter will be ok. And if he doesn't leave, what harm is there in being prepared? Always have a fall back plan.

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L.M.

answers from New York on

For question #2, here's what's I think is reasonable for a husband's social life...
He works a full time time job, that's 40 hours a week.
He spends one evening a week out with his buddies and returns home at a reasonable hour.
He spends every night at home in the same bed with his wife.
He spends a minium of an hour a day (doesn't have to be all at the same time) with his daughter.
He watches his daughter for an afternoon or a evening a week, so you can run your errands, and have your share of time with your friends.
Providing you do the majority of grocery/supply shopping for the home, he goes to various stores 3 to 5 times a week, never daily.
Most evenings after kids have gone to be, you each spend a little "me" time and some evenings you spend together, you always sleep in the same bed even if you choose not to be intimate.

For question #1, I would be furious and would not tolerate this type of behavior.

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A.L.

answers from Dallas on

x

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C.S.

answers from Victoria on

I in no way mean to make you feel worse about the situation, but reading your post, I'm trying to see where there is a marriage. More like room mates. He pays you for house & childcare & he lives his life as he wants. Most wives would not be ok with this and i'm curious as to why you have been? Wedding vows say Cherish & Honor & you deserve that as much as any other woman does! Seek & ye shall find, Knock & the door will be opened! Best of luck......

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Your husband is a baby. Why would you want to support him when you have your own baby to take care of? Life is hard enough without having an infantile husband to support. Your feelings and expectations are justified. Just don't expect anything from him. His behavior is pretty deeply ingrained.

You decide what you want for your life. It has nothing to do with what he decides he wants for his.

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I.G.

answers from Seattle on

Your hubby sleeps in a different room and would rather spend his nights in the basement than with you and you have a history of trust issues around alcohol and pornography...
I think you know that his behavior is ABSOLUTELY inappropriate and damaging to your marriage. Your problems go deeper than the nights out with an old friend.
It would probably be good if you started working with a marriage counselor.
Good luck!

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D.M.

answers from Denver on

You have to evaluate the situation and your heart. My advice is to seriously consider what's best for your daughter. An alcoholic father who doesn't want to change and is very selfish isn't it. If he is serious about his family and wants to change - that's another story. I hate to say it, but you may be better w/o him. Find a good friend, family member or counselor to talk to and help you decide what to do. Good luck.

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C.B.

answers from Des Moines on

Wow! It sounds like you guys are more roommates than husband and wife! I would not tolerate his behavior at all! He is not making you or your daughter a priority in his life and in my opinion, he has no interest in maintaining a marriage. You need to get into therapy to figure out what you want. Do you want to stay in a marriage where there is no emotional or physical intimacy? Do you want to stay with a man who is so self absorbed that he cares nothing for your needs or his responsibility to you and his child? His actions say that he wants to live the bachelor lifestyle. He doesn't sound like he has any interest in fixing your marriage, so it's up to you to decide if you can deal with this for the rest of your life. You deserve better and so does your daughter.

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C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

H.:

I am sooo sorry you are going through this.

My advice might not be popular - but it's the way I would handle things.

If your husband is an alcoholic - you need to make sure he's going to meetings. That should help get him back on track.

I don't know how old you are - but if you and the family are suffering financially - you MUST sit down with hubby and show him how bad things are.

YOU need to tell him YOU think his behavior is not that of a husband and a father - doesn't matter what others think - seriously - it's YOUR marriage. He doesn't know us from Adam - but he does KNOW YOU!!! That YOU do not think his behavior is acceptable - period. It's nice to know others back you - but bottom line? You know it's wrong. You are not going crazy. You are not hallucinating. You are not imagining things. You are not hormonal.

If he blows you off - you need to ask yourself - Am I better off with or without him?

If the answer is with - then you need to get a road map out and map your way to where you want your marriage to be - if he MUST be ON-BOARD with this.

If the answer is without - then you need to either have him leave or take your child and leave. I know that's not the ideal solution. However, if your husband can't grow up and take responsibility for his actions and his family - then you need to take action to protect yourself and your child/ren.

Do NOT issue an ultimatum. You need to state the facts - this is how it is:
1. we are sinking - both in our marriage and financially. Here are the facts.
2. you are not single. You are a husband and a father - if you want to be single again - leave.
3. You are not participating in this marriage (marriage is like a garden - IT MUST BE TENDED TO or the weeds grow).
4. You MUST go to AA meetings - PERIOD. (one of my closest friends is a recovering AA and she's been Clean and Sober for 20 years next week. She NEEDS these meetings to keep her on the even keel - as life gets crazy (she's a single working mom to two kids) and it's EASY to slip.)
5. You MUST come home EVERY night (he can't use the excuse he was too drunk to drive or you have even more serious problems).
Make a list that applies to you and your marriage - YOUR EXPECTATIONS. If he doesn't agree with the expectations - is there room for negotiations? That's up to you. Do what you are comfortable with. But he MUST tow the line. If he can't or won't - he is welcome to leave.

Yes, it's aggressive. Yes, it's hard. But no one ever said life was easy. He's a grown man with a family. If that's not what he wants, he can't drag you down with him. YOU need to stand up for you. No one else will. You are your childs advocate - is this how you want him/her growing up? Is this what you want them to think marriage is?

I wish you the best and truly hope that you will work this out!

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J.P.

answers from Denver on

Hi H.--
I haven't read all the responses, but we all seem to feel pretty similar. I had a relationship in the past with someone who had addiction problems and so unfortunately have a lot of information on it. The bottom line is this: It is clear that your husband has some pretty deep emotional issues that he is hiding from using alcohol and sex (pornography). He clearly doesn't see that he has a problem. His behavior is not even remotely appropriate for a husband and father and is damaging not only you but your daughter. Growing up with a father like this will do serious damage to her future relationships with men--unfortunately I know a lot about that, too, as I lived that as well. No amount of telling him what to do or what you expect is going to change him, from what you are telling us, because he is simply not taking responsibility for himself and his actions in relation to you all as a family. I have a lot of compassion for him because this type of behavior always stems from deep-seated insecurities, but knowing that is not going to change him. My suggestion? Seriously, it is time for you to move on. I know that sounds harsh and from your post it seems like you have not reached that point yet. However, the type of behavior you describe will not get better until he has a reason to do something about it. He probably is also very, very good at lying to cover his tracks and blaming you when he should be taking responsibility. You have to decide what is best for you and your daughter and do that. If he is not willing to change then you have to be willing to walk away to save your emotional health and that of your daughter. You deserve to have a man who wants to be a good father and husband. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable is inappropriate for you.
H., I am sending you good vibes and I hope that I am wrong about the severity of the situation; I sincerely believe that something very drastic will have to happen before he changes. You have to decide what you are willing to deal with and draw some boundaries for yourself. Counseling for you could be very helpful.
Good luck and if you need more support don't be shy about writing again!
J.

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P.M.

answers from Chicago on

I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband. I have seen some replies that advise you to get a job and I understand that but growing up with an alcoholic father, I wouldn't leave my child with him. Don't leave your child with someone that you have trust issues with - whether he is the father or not...especially with someone who is an addict. The drug always comes before the child.
It sounds like this situation is spiraling out of control and has been for a while. Are you in denial about it or are you scard about what it means for your future?
He is missing out on a great life - most addicts do though. You sounds like a great person and he is taking advantage of that. Let him suck the life out of someone else.
You are not a failure - you have done all that you can to help him. It's time that he helps himself - he should be concerned about his future right now. As long as you continue to do EVERYTHING he will let you. So put your foot down and start valuing your needs. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Follow through. Attitudes are stronger than words. You can do this.

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L.B.

answers from Provo on

You don't have a marriage. You have a roommate, and not a good one.

Without going into a lot of detail, my life experience with a similar (now former) husband suggests that even though your marriage might not be legally over, it is over. Especially since he is an alcoholic, efforts at helping him to change his behavior will probably not be effective. You need to look at whatever options you have, beginning with counseling and possibly with divorce.

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M.F.

answers from Pueblo on

He sounds like a teenager who is rebelling against you, responibility, growing up and caring for others. The only problem is, YOU can't change him. You can nag him until the cows come home, and you may even get him to stay in more and become more responsible, but he will reward you with hatred and resentment. So, basically, you have to make a choice - either live with him as he is, or don't live with him at all.
I am speaking from experience, here. One of my ex husbands were exactly like what you describe, and I did whatever I could to talk sense into him, but his ears were totally deaf. Then I started nagging, and trying to convince him that a father has to act differently towards his family. No use... Then I got angry and told him he was a no good bum. Still no use...just more anger and rebelliousness, and even less responsibility.
When I finally asked him to move out, he was both happy and relieved to get his freedom back. The truth is, he never wanted to actually grow up...

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C.S.

answers from Denver on

H.,

This sounds all to familiar. My husband, though works full time, he also has a full time social life. Happy hours that turn into an entire night of drinking. Sports games thAT include hours of tailgating. When he is home he spends 99% of his time in the basement alone. This been the norm for the last few years and has resulted in a decision to end our 14 year marrige. He need to find his way back before, like mine, is lost forever. Email if you would like to talk further. [email protected]____.com to hear from you. C.

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A.T.

answers from Denver on

I can mainly speak to the issue of alcoholism; a lot of other behaviors stem from the disease of alcoholism---none of which we caused, none of which we can control, and certainly none of which we can cure.
Al-Anon Family Groups, help & comfort for friends & family of problem drinkers.
http://www.al-anon-co.org/index.php
or call ###-###-####
email [email protected]____.com

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G.H.

answers from Dallas on

No bashing!! The work does however have to occur on his end as far as the drinking. As for the other issues..well if it is making you uncomfortable, you two need to work on this as a couple. He has to learn to respect your feelings and you have to access exactly what it is that bothers you about his activities (re: his viewing pornography). He should probably limit his time w/ the single friend well because he has you!! Whatever you do please do not ignore any gut feelings you may have!! My mom surprised me one day as she usually shies away from using bit words.When I was having problems w/ my now ex fiance a little while back..she stated " Don't ignore your intuition, we have it but men really didn't get this one" I trust her not just because she's mom..but she and my dad just celebrated there 50th!! I think she may know little something...I hope and pray that your marriage works but please never let a man belittle you or be mean to you...if he is willing to put the work in with you..i think you guys will be fine after you get over this hump!!

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M.E.

answers from Denver on

Quit being a doormat! If he can't grow up then leave! do you really want your child to think that this is the way to be treated and how you treat people you love? Stand up for yourself as well as for your child! You may not like my answer, but at least I'm telling the truth. If you would like someone to talk to that want sugar coat for you I'm here, just message me.

M.S.

answers from Omaha on

No you are not being unrealistic at all. The writing is on the wall. Your marriage is over as far as he is concerned. He has lost respect for himself and his family. You need to do what you can to get yourself and your child into a healthy environment. Demand that he look at his behavior in the mirror and go to counseling with you to get better. If he does not want to even consider it then that is your que to exit. Stay in your house of course. He obviously has a place to stay so he will not be out on the street. (((Hugs))))

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J.

answers from Provo on

Hum, your husband sounds a bit selfish. Well a lot selfish. You two are a team and you BOTH should behave that way. Alcoholism a tough one I know because my husband (not hiding it but extremely dysfunctional) got WAY out of hand with it. With his sobriety we have both discovered he has been self medicating (and still does in other ways). Perhaps you husband’s behavior, yet selfish, is the only way he knows to behave and hasn’t learned some of the basics of being ‘together’ with someone. I would highly recommend looking ‘under the sheets’ to see the real reason for his behavior and your tolerating it.

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C.E.

answers from Provo on

you have every right to be upset and ask your husband to do things differently. i suggest the book "His Needs, Her Needs". he has to read it too, so pray for help in convincing him. good luck!

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M.L.

answers from Colorado Springs on

I think what's appropriate is some professional counseling. There is already the fact that your husband is addicted to alcohol, and has the issues of lying that come with addictions. He needs to change certain areas of his life and he doesn't want to. It may be your responsibility to find someone who can help him listen and change. If he won't go to counseling with you, go by yourself. If you can't afford that, go to Al-Anon . It's not at all unusual for an addict to admit to needing to change but not doing it.

R.D.

answers from Richmond on

Oh honey, I've been there (read some of my previous questions). Yes, I think his behavior is wildly inappropriate and his priorities are messed up. I don't have any advice really, but I can offer reassurance in that you're not alone in this. Shoot me a message if you want to talk about it!

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L.N.

answers from New York on

no men bashing, but your husband's behavior is not appropriate for countless reasons. he is a family man, not behaving like one.
my husband has a social life, with me, and the kids. i have a social life, with my husband, and kids. and then we have our friends, who have kids. we have single friends without kids as well but we don't do stuff with them. not because we find it inappropriate but because we just do not have the time or will to stay away from our kids.
might be the time for you to put down the foot.

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P.G.

answers from Tulsa on

I can only tell you what I would do. I would tell Hubby that we need more money and that means more work. How that is accomplished is up for discussion.
There is such thing as common courtesy when he's going to be gone and to let you know where, when and such. If he wants to live with his friend he should let you know. If not, then he needs to be a participant in the life at home with you and your kids.
You need to set up a time with some friends or something to go somewhere and leave him with the kids. It will do you all a world of good. If you just sit back and let him do whatever he wants while you feel angry or resentful, it will only get worse. He doesn't know until you tell him.
He can only make you (& your kids) a victim if you let him.

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S.K.

answers from Denver on

I haven't read the answers below but I see there are 29... you are absolutely right to be upset about your husband's behavior. It's way out of line. Inappropriate, irresponsible, disrespectful of you. Is that what you want for you and your children? or do you want a better life?

I am in a situation with some similarities and I am facing the question of whether/how to drastically change my life, so I know how hard it is to make big changes. Feel free to send a message if you want to chat any more. Best of luck to you in any case.

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J.D.

answers from Denver on

It sounds like your husband does not want to be a husband or father. He doesn't want the responsibility of earning a paycheck. He's acting like a child. If you decide to give him an ultimatum, be prepared to follow through. Consult an attorney and try to find a way to earn a living. Hopefully he'll wake up from his little dream world and be the husband and father he should be. I wish you the best of luck.

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S.T.

answers from Provo on

wow. this sounds very hard. You are an extremely patient and strong woman. It is great if you want to make this marriage work and I think you should, but sounds like your husband needs major rehab to get over the drinking, then all the other issues can be dealt with. Addiction changes everything so until that is fixed, it will likely be hard. I think it's great that you are willing to work with him, but give him some deadlines for rehab so he will really commit and change. Good luck! He's lucky to have you.

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

Hubby has found himself an enabler. You have painted a picture of my first marriage, except for the alcohol problem (my ex was probably a sexual addict, though). I can't tell you what to do, but I learned my lessons, left that marriage, and have never been sorry.

My best to you.

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R.C.

answers from Provo on

I'm glad you just asked how others would feel. At first I expected that you would ask for advice on what to do and I have no idea what I would do in your situation. How I would feel though, that is an easy one. If I had asked my husband to at least let me know where he would be, which is a simple thing to do, and he didn't, I would feel like he was showing no respect for me, and was not exhibiting the level of responsibility I would expect from an adult. Furthermore, it's dishonest, if you say you are going to do something and then don't, for no better reason than you simply don't feel like it.

It's an easy thing to come home if you only live 5 minutes away from the friend, so especially if he has said he will do it he should follow through.

As far as my husband's social life, our guideline is that he can have the same amount of free time as I get, which translates into hardly any because we have 2 children and are both very busy. But for every hour he spends playing video games I get to spend one at the gym, or shopping, etc.

I hope it works out for you two and that your husband can begin to think about your needs and not just his own.

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S.B.

answers from Denver on

I am a marriage and family therapist in Denver - I see you are in Longmont. I have to tell you this is not normal behavior. I agree with Ada that you must start attending Al-Anon meetings immediately to learn how his drinking has affected you and your daughter and learn appropriate ways to confront him about this. If you have any interest in staying in this marriage, marriage therapy would be essential - you can get a lot of info on good books and approaches to treatment at www.smartmarriages.com . I can help you find someone in your area. You will need to invite him to attend therapy as a condition for the marriage to continue, and if he refuses, go yourself. You deserve a better life.
take care, S.

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S.L.

answers from St. Louis on

How long have you been putting up with this behavior? You need to put your foot down. Tell him you don't want a roommate, you want a husband. If he wants to be a roommate he can be his buddy's roommate. Stop being his doormat.

J.B.

answers from Houston on

Oh wow, as soon as you said alcoholic it all made perfect sense. One thing about an alcoholic is selfishness that seems to know no bounds! I have a lot of alcoholism in my family and have seen it up close, it really isn't pretty. Even when they stop drinking, if they don't get some help to deal with the reasons they started and the actual addiction process, they are what is referred to as a "dry drunk" also, not a pretty picture. Basically acts like an alcoholic but has a worse attitude bc they never are high. They are often times super selfish as well. Have you ever heard of a book called "Getting them Sober?" my mom read it ages ago and said it helped a lot. You might want to check that out. Also, if you have a church, taking your kids and spending time with people who love God and you can just make life so much more bearable. Of course as I am sure others have said, nothing about what you are going through is normal. Unfortunately your husband is not even showing you common courtesy. At this point, really the only person you can help is yourself. If the finances are getting too tight, is it possible for you to get a job. I know that being at home with your child is soooooooo valuable, but stable finances are needed so that you and she have what is needed and should things become unmanageable with you and your husband, you will have some money. There are gyms that have childcare available, maybe you could watch the children and take your daughter with you to avoid childcare costs and make a little cash as well, just a thought. I know that many people feel helped by groups like Al-anon(sp?). Having a place to go where people understand your situation and keep things anonymous can help. I think some groups have childcare as well, you can probably check online. I know have talked a lot about the alcoholism, but that is something that will just continue to cause major probs unless dealt with. You can't change him but you can work on having a life yourself, in the end that is the best thing you can honestly do for him. I would say just live your life and let him be, he has a problem and really can't be dealt with reasonably at this point. If you get a chance to show him love or kindness, do it, but don't be a doormat for all his whims if you can possibly help it. Do whatever you need to do for you and your daughter. If he sees this change in your attitude and wants to be a part of it, great, if not, you will be happier. I haven't been the wife of an alcoholic but I have been the child of one and my mom getting her life together and putting me and my sis first made all the difference for us. I owe her a lot. Hang in there, wish I could give you a big ol' hug! I truly wish you the best and I hope things can work out between you and your husband. Above all pray for him because with God NOTHING is impossible!

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T.S.

answers from Fort Collins on

I don't think it's appropriate. I won't speculate as to what your husband is doing at this friend's house but whatever it is, it's not right. He sounds like a teenager - doesn't want responsibilities. Since he wants to spend so much time with his friend, tell him to go live there. This is not a good environment for you and your daughter. Since you cannot count on him to support you, I think you may have to face the difficult decision of going back to work so you can support yourself and child. I know this is probably not what you imagined for your life. Take back control of your life!!!! Find support - there were many good ideas in the other posts. You CAN do this without him if that's where the road leads you. You never know, if he knows you are serious about not putting up with his behavior, he might change. But at the moment why would he? There are no consequences and it sounds as though he avoids you to avoid any. Good luck and stay strong.

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S.X.

answers from Chicago on

personally, sounds like he may not really be at his friends house.

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C.N.

answers from Salt Lake City on

First I want you to know that there are so many women out here, pulling for you. I have read many of the responses below and agree with the women that say you need to get some support for yourself first. Alanon or private counseling would be a good start. There are many church groups that offer different types of support as well. It sounds like your husband is having some serious issues and you can not fix him. He has to want to help himself. He has to want to be a better man, husband and father. The best thing you can do is to decide what you want for you and your daughter and then move forward with whatever that is. In short, your expectations are not unrealistic. Your husband is not being an active participant in his family. Asking that he does, is definitely not unrealistic. My thoguhts, heart and prayers are with you H..

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H.M.

answers from Cincinnati on

I think you are totally right to be concerned. This does not sound like a healthy marital relationship. My husband sometimes neglects me a little (mostly due to video games) but we have worked on that and it's not as much of an issue now - we moved his computer into the living room so we can talk and visit when he plays on it and that has been a big deal for me I can't imagine him treating me that way...it sounds like your husband is probably continuing to drink - if he's using every excuse to be somewhere else - especially with a bachelor friend things like pornography and alcohol are highly likely. I think that you need to get help for him and his addictions as well as for your marriage. He is not providing for you emotionally or financially and that is putting you and your daughter at risk. I really think that you need to call him out on it and get help for both of you before it begins to have negative effects on your daughter.

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T.H.

answers from Denver on

Hi H.,
"I have been very clear and honest with him about activities and things that would help build trust, and he agrees with his words but not with his actions."
these are your words, however, you can't trust an active alcoholic. It sounds like he needs help, and maybe you could get some help as well (in dealing with him and your own feelings). I have personal experience and it can get better.
good luck!

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H.T.

answers from San Francisco on

NOT normal. Sleeping in a room down the hall, not wantning sex and spending the night at his friend's house? What would you be thinking if his friend was feamle?? I have to be honest, reading this post, I couldn't help but be *really* suspicious about his sexuality. There are some huuuuge red flags here- you need to move it to the next level and get in to talk to someone more qualified, with your husband or without, if he won't go.
P.S. in the meantime listen to what some of the other ladies and go to an al-anon meeting, good advice.

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J.S.

answers from San Antonio on

Yes that is too much. It sounds like his priorities are in disarray or he's avoiding alone time with you for some reason. Don't know what is going on in your relationship but it sounds like your needing marraige counseling.

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L.S.

answers from Grand Junction on

Hi H.,
I think I would tend to feel pretty single-mom if I was in your shoes. I don't think your hubby is really connected right now to you and your daughter. I would feel his single friend has tended to lead him a stray a bit. Your husband has much greater responsiblities then his single buddy and he needs to recognize that without you having to remind him. His responsibilities lie in providing for his family and being there for his two girls. He definitely has no business staying the night...I find that rather strange. I am wondering if there are some cheap things the three of you can learn to do together that all would enjoy. Look for some ways to encourage him to stay home. Try not to nag at him but rather speak uplifting and life-giving words. Tell him how proud of him you are and how much you appreciate (even as little as it may be) what he does do. Make your home clean and comfortable for him. You also might put some extra effort into meals. I know this sounds like a lot of work on your part (and it is) but I think this will help give your marriage a much needed shot in the arm. I am a stay at home Mom and we own two businesses. Depending on his work schedule my husband usually puts in 6-8 hours as a general contractor/carpenter. Then he comes home and we (all 4 of us) work our orchard, depending on the need there that could be 1-4 hours in the afternoon/evening. My husband is a very hands on Dad and home loving kind of guy. We generally do most everything that needs done around the house or orchard as a family. He does have a couple of guy friends that he will meet for breakfast or coffee on occassions but not very often. We have date nights where it's just the two of us. These can vary depending on time and money but it's always nice to get away from the kids for an evening. We do often have others over for dinner. This gives us all quite a bit of socialization and maybe you should invite the bachelor friend over for a meal and a get acquainted time. I am glad to hear you have some girlfriends and maybe you can enlarge your circle of activities. Libraries, swimming pools, fun plexes, parks, bike trails, gardening. All of these generally offer free or very inexpensive activites that can be fun for both Mom and daughter. I hope this helps you a bit. Marriage can be a tough row to hoe without outside interference. Blessings and prayers to you, L.

E.B.

answers from Fort Collins on

I think you have a lot of great advice here, but I just wanted to comment on Tiffany W.'s suggestion to leave your daughter with him and go away. If there was not alcohol involved I would agree with this too. However, I would be terrified of how my daughter would be treated while I was gone. Also considering how little he is involved with her it would probably be very scary for her too, even if nothing bad happened.
My husband was very disconnected with our family and we were having a very bad time awhile ago. We started going to counseling and he was able to learn how to better enjoy life. It has made all the different in the world and he is so much happier now. That being sad, we did not have the addiction issues that you are dealing with and my husband was at least willing to try counseling.
I would agree that taking care of you and your daughter is the first and most important step. So next time he disappears to his friend's house, change the locks and leave him a suitcase on the step. Tell him if wants back in he can talk to you about it at counseling.

Good Luck honey

L.A.

answers from Austin on

I would not be pleased.
Please, please, go to therapy. Take him with you if he will go. If not go by yourself. You need to speak with someone who can be on your side and give you support and the tools to help get him back on track.

He is in such a mid life crisis, and he does not even realize it.
He feels like you are harping on him and yet, he is asking for the harping.

He wants to live a life he imagines is carefree and better, but how is he going to feel (and I am not suggesting in any way) if you were to leave him, take your child and he were to not have you guys waiting at home for him any longer? Also the child support and alimony, would kick his butt.

He needs to grow up and face the fact that he is a lucky man to have a wife, a healthy beautiful child, a business, a home and he could lose it all at any moment.

He needs someone he respects, but is not around him all of the time, to hand him a mirror and to ask him what is he willing to do about this.
I am sending you strength and know that you are not alone.

Make sure to keep your self busy and back off of him until you can get to a therapist.

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M.H.

answers from Atlanta on

Hi H.,

The behavior is inappropriate but I don't think that is your biggest issue. You and he need to start enjoying each other again, rebuilding trust. You're right. Bashing him will not do any good. Alcoholism and "issues" with pornography are very hard things to overcome. Saying that, I'm not sure how to go about it. The book, The Love Dare, would be a place I would start. I'd give it to you if I was closer :) They are sold in Christian book stores and it would be worth the cost to try. You deserve better, your daughter deserves better and your husband will benefit greatly as well.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Wish I could do more!

M.

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J.G.

answers from Cleveland on

The only way to change things is to get him to agree to and try to find a way of getting him to follow through on the agreement. My hubby's best friend from high school lived a few blocks away... we desided that Sunday nite was his "free" night. He goes over to his friends after the kids are in bed - usually aroun 8:30 & comes home sometime before I wake-up (not sure what time - I'm ususally sleeping). I've never had him sleep over - well atleast not since I flipped about it within the first year of our marriage (which we've been married 15 yrs now).

He use to take our old neighbor to work - before we had kids... she was a stripper & he would hang out at the bar for a while. But they don't serve alcohol there. I really didn't mind - it gave me some alone time & I could sleep with out any issues. But she was happy in her relationship & nothing happened - we were all friends & did lots of stuff together... cook-outs, dinning out, swimming, we even took them to the store all the time. Kinda their personal drivers & they did pay him to drive them around.

I don't think him spending more time away is right - you do need time as well. But he does need his time too. If you can come up with a night or two that he goes out - I think it's more then fair. As for the shopping - my hubby ends up at the hardware store multiple times a week as well... but he does handyman stuff & is always forgetting something or got the wrong thing. Sometimes we all get in the car & go... that way we have more "face" time with eachother. And sometimes it helps him to see the bigger picture, cause I ask questions that help him remember things he will need in the future - which leads to less trips to HomeDepot. Also, when he is working on our "rental" house (with are works inprocces & not ready to rent), I like going when we need stuff for them - I get to pick out the "pretties" of the houses. If it's just drywall or piping it doesn't really matter, but fixture, paint & stuff matters to me.

As for the work thing - sometimes they need pushed more... have you tried stepping in and helping him since he works from home?? Is it an issue because of the current economy... is that why he is having issues?? Maybe he is unsure how to "dram" up more business... is there anyway you can help w/ cold calls or finding new advertising for his business?? If things don't change there - you might have to get a PT job & force him to be with the kids more by taking care of them when you are working... he will either like the extra time w/ the kids or get his a** up and get to work more so that you can quite you PT job.

As mom's we will do everything we can to make sure our kids are taken care of... if that means working - then so be it. My dream is to be a SAHM for my kids... right now I'm that, only because I was laid off last year & getting unemployment. I'm still looking for a job, but haven't found one. I'm also looking at going back to school if things don't change by Sept when the classes start. But my dream is to get our rentals rented & the income from them will make-up what I was making... which means I won't have to work anymore. But it is taking longer then I had hoped to get the dream going... oh well - stuff happens.

Good luck - I hope you guys can find a happy middle for your situation. Take care!!

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