Husband/wife Arguments in Public

It sounds familiar. He may be doing that because he thinks its funny. Some people do. You need to tell him in a loud and clear voice how it makes you feel. It is not funny and to cut it out. You could set up a code word that means stop what you are doing. If he doesn't stop you will know that he truly hasn't heard you.

K., wow, deja vu! My husband and I seem to do this but usually when we are with each other's family! I'm not really sure how we've gotten it to stop, after 14 years....but I do know that I stopped being "sweet" and ignoring his comments and started arguing back. Esp in front of his family, he stopped doing it. He gets to the point now that when he smarts off and I reply he just laughs. I think it's just a big "show" of dominance(sp) and I've learned to not put up with it. You can certainly bring it to his attention, away from others, but you both need to talk about it. Even his mother laughs at me now, because her husband would do the same thing. Only she would be nice and walk away....now I even smart back at him when he does it to her! I know, I'm bad, but my dad was verbally abusive to my mother and us kids and I learned not to take it! It harms your self-esteem later in life I can guarantee! My only salvation has been rebuilding my self-esteem and self-worth through my home business. Even now my husband tries to break me down, not necessarily on purpose, it's just what he grew up with....hence the reason to stop it now and not let your kids learn the bad habits. Esp your son. Hope this helps and best of luck!

For some reason my husband does the same! Give him an "audience" and it's like he has something to prove. Most of the time he's not aware of it, but we have developed a phrase that I can use to let him know he's getting out of line. It is embarrassing try talking about it or counseling, maybe someone other than his wife has to let him know what he's doing!

I like what others have written. I have an additional "tool" to suggest that can facilitate heartful communication.

Instead of saying "Don't talk to me like that," which could really get some guys' rooster feathers up, you might want to consider one of these alternatives (and maybe save it for a chat when the two of you are alone). Try:

"I feel a huge ache in my heart when you say that."

"I feel (angry/annoyed/surprised/_____) when you speak about me that way. My wish is to have a mutually respectful relationship, and it's really hard not to argue back."

"When you say that, I feel worried that you have resentments toward me. Will you be so kind as to talk about this in private? I would love to know what's going on so we can work it out."

You might notice that each of these examples starts by identifying, clearly and without drama, how you feel. None of them attack or argue (both of which tend to feed the problem rather than examine the roots). This has been an extremely transforming practice for me in a couple of difficult relationships.

Good luck!

I know I have been in this position, as well, and I think it has to do with not wanting to confront each other or hurt each other's feelings when you are together alone. You are enjoying the 'MOJO' and you don't want to put a damper on it.

You two are in love and have a wonderful connection, it sounds like, but there are always issues that come up, no matter who you are.
Like feeling under-appreciated for doing all the housework,or maybe you never remember to replace the toilet-paper roll, whatever.
If one or both of you don't address these issues at home, then they come out in public, almost like that is a 'safe place' to air your problems, when really it is just the opposite.
I have found that right when you are feeling irritated about something, it is better to address it RIGHT THEN. Approach him in a non-confrontational way. Like, "I FEEL really annoyed when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor."
Just getting it out, even if he continues to leave his clothes on the floor, will make you feel heard.
If you keep all that stuff inside it will still find it's way out, usually in a more hostile way.
Couples who practice this passive-aggressive behavior and never address things head-on are heading down a dark road.
Can you tell I have had my share of therapy?
You are right to recognize this is a problem. I might suggest couple's counseling. You don't need to be on the brink of divorce before you try counseling. It can be a wonderful way to strengthen your relationship.
Good Luck!

K.- I would agree with TJ. Maybe you and your husband should have a phrase or something to say to each other to let you know you are getting a little out of line. I see NO PROBLEM with saying to your husband, don't talk to me like that, if he is being rude or disrespectful. The hard thing is to be the more mature one, and after saying that maybe walk away.
My husband and I hardly ever hang out together when we go to parties or get togethers. At first it really hurt my feelings, but then I started to see the advantages to that. He gets to spend some time with other adults other than me, and I get to spend time with other adults other than him. THen when the get together is over we both have all kinds of juicy gossip! HAHA lol.
It is not just your responsability to be a "good wife" it is also his resonsability to be a "good husband", if you two can't behave in public, you probably shouldn't go out until you figure out why you both do that.
As someone who has been out with the couple that nitpicks at each other, it is SO uncomfortable. And if your kids are seeing that they are learning how to treat you, your husband, and each other. not so good.
Please, do not have any issues with speaking up and letting your husband know that he is in the wrong if he is treating you poorly. Who cares if his feeling get hurt! He is hurting yours as well. Just make sure that you are not disrespectful when you say it. A simple, "don't speak to me like that" should speak volumes.
Good luck to you, L.

My husband and I had the same issue. He would "joke" around and I really felt that he was putting me down or making fun of me. I ended up having a sit down talk with him and let him know how I was feeling. He didn't realize that I felt that way and he promised to do better. The first few times I had to take him aside and remind him of our chat but now everything is great. Hope this helps.

Sounds like there is a deeper issue. Have you thought about couples therapy? Sometimes you can get free, or close to it, counseling through your church. Children change everything and changing the dynamics of a marriage can be tricky sometimes. Things left to fester will surface in weird areas.

Hi, K.,

I obviously don't know you or your husband, but it sounds like maybe your husband is insecure when there are other people around and feels that more of the attention should be focused on him? Well, you really didn't say who starts the "spats," so maybe you're the one who feels insecure and thinks the attention should be focused on you?

Once again, Peg M's suggestion is great with the "I feel" statements, so that would work, but maybe just open it up when it's the two of you alone--"Why do you think x happens when we're out with friends, and it doesn't happen when we're alone with our family?" And see what he says. He might have some interesting answers.

He might deal with anxiety by redirecting attention or by using humor, but the humor might be something that you don't find humorous. Like, my husband picks on me to the point that I feel like I married a big brother sometimes... But I think it happens when we're in situations where he's uncomfortable and doesn't know what else to do.

I hope this helps.

Hugs,
S

Sorry if this isn't what you feel comfortable doing, but I have a husband who does this always and it hurts. When he is around his friends, it's like they all have to strut their stuff. Us wives get the brunt and jokes made of. It is all about low self esteem and showing off. It then makes you irritated so you want to defend yourself. If you can, next time it happens, ask him in front of his peers, "Is there some reason that you are always disrespectful of me in front of others?" He won't like the negative attention and may stop next time he is about to do it. My husband will even see it in his friends and tell them to back off. Isn't that funny?

Men need to feel respect, above anything else, and women need to feel loved. Of course neither of you feel this way if your spouse says something rude in front of others - even if it's meant as a joke.

I once said something in a joking way that was disrespectful of my husband. I still feel guilty about it to this day, even though he has forgiven me, because I always want people to see what a strong, loving marriage we have. I hate the jokes on TV and just in public in general about "the old ball and chain" or the nagging wife, stupid husband, etc. My husband is my favorite person in the world, and I never want to make him feel bad!!!

Talk about this with your husband and make a pact to show each other off, not put each other down in front of others. Perhaps the other wives are talking about how their husband leaves his dirty clothes on the floor. Instead of joining in, try complimenting them on something great about their husband instead - "Perhaps, but he sure is great with _____." Maybe the boys are talking about how their wife is spending away your life savings - your husband could say, "Well, I'm just thankful that my wife keeps our house supplied with everything so well, because I hate going to Target."

There's always a way to turn a situation around using good manners in front of others.
Blessings on your happy marriage!

I wonder if part of it is about how guys talk with each other and needing to learn not to talk that way with their women. I mean, among themselves, they seem to jokingly put each other down and not have a problem with it, whereas we women don't respond well to that. (I could be totally off base - just a thought.)

Hey K. ( pretty name btw)
I know I've only been married 2 and 1/2 years. But I just had to tell you what has worked for me when that happens. It is a simple little rule. Just don't fight. It takes two to fight and so I just don't put in my share. Do the axact opposit. If he is acting like a jerk. Be nice ( not sarcastic nice) But truly respectful and sweet. I promise you it will end and your husband will have so much respect for you and will treat you better. I know one might be thinking, "what? just let him walk all over me??" But it's not like that. Anyway I just thought I'd put in my two cents. :) I hope the best for you and your man!

One time early on in our marriage my husband said something to me in front of his long-time friends (I can't remember what - it wasn't bad) and I said "don't talk like that to me". Later on when we were alone he told me that that had really embarrassed him. I felt bad and haven't done it since.
Maybe your hubby has a passive aggressive streak? My parents have a rotten marriage. My dad is verbally abusive and mean to my mom all the time (we swear he has brain imbalances). But if they are around other people, like his family, then he is as charming and pleasant as he can be, and my mom can't help herself but to be abrasive and nasty to him the whole time. The result is that she looks like the bad one, and they all have no idea what he's really like. I've talked to her about it, and she's says it's her only opportunity to "speak out". Anyway, maybe he subconsiously learned dysfunctional behavior from his parents that comes out when you're both around others? Just an idea.

You might read (or ask him to read) The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, or the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, by Laura Schlessinger. My husband and I are madly and passionately in love, soul mates, etc., but the first several years were a little rocky because I didn't know how to be a nice wife or get along (having grown up with the dysfunctional family life mentioned above). Reading the latter book improved my marriage a hundred fold, and I've since read the former book as well. Good luck!

Right off the bat, I'm thinking that the blended family is THE most difficult family situation to have, so that is your greatest challenge. Also, the fact that this is the first relationship where you don't really argue sends a red flag that you might be avoiding issues with each other because you are afraid of conflict and "rocking the boat", so it comes out in public where you feel safer to argue (ironically?)

Like everyone else, I have my own book recommendations, but I am also one of those folks who "believes" in counseling. I convinced my hubby to go because I know that arguing in front of kids is harmful to them and I also thought "what have we got to lose by having a stronger relationship?" People told my hubby that it was "too late" once we got into couples counseling and that it just spelled d-i-v-o-r-c-e (isn't unsolicited advice just wonderfully supportive?). But I knew that we were just an outside-the-box-thinking, visionary, proactive couple who were willing to try something new to increase the quality of life for ourselves and our children. We weren't using counseling as our 'last resort' as some people do. And darn it, I wasn't going to settle for less than an AWESOME relationship that made everyone in our family happy!

Well, what do you know, it paid off way better than I even expected it to! Long story short -- he does WAY more housework and childcare now, and complains less about what I do or don't do. We are more in love than ever, and HE is HAPPIER in the relationship too, having a better relationship with our son! Make sure you get a good recommendation for a therapist -- there are a lot of crappy counselors out there -- I'd try calling a local hospital for recommendations if you don't know where to start.

BTW, the books I recommend are "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish -- all of their books are favorites of mine. Also, "The Relationship Cure" by John Gottman might be right up your alley.

Hi K.
It sounds like there is a lot of disrespect going on. If it does not happen at home than it should not happen out. Listen to what is being said with out the emoshen and listen to what you say. It looks like there is a lot of pent up feelings that come out with others to some how make you or your hubby get the sympithy or aproval of how one is feeling. Putting down a loved one to look better or feel better only makes others not want you all around at least together. Possably a break and some alone time might help. Words have POWER, they can cut or heal just like a knife. The cuts in the emoshanal body take a long time to heal and it takes a lot of work. It might be time for the both of you to take a good hard and honest look at your selves and if drug or alkahal are involved that may need to chainge. Something is amiss and needs to be looked at and addressed. If it continues like you are indicating it will only escolate and than it will come home to roost . Counceling may help only if both of you are totally HONEST with each other the councler and the most important part is your self's as individuals. Look back and find where it began. If you both want it to stop you both have to WORK AT IT. It is never just one persons fault. You are both carickters in this play and it is your show. You both are the authers of this script and how it is seen by others and each of you.
There is a lot of work to be done to rewrite the play so it meets both of your needs with out hurting the other or the relationship.
Along the way do not forget to have FUN.
Ask your selves "How is this benafitting me" when the event happens?