Husband Who Travels for Work or Has Crazy Schedule?

Welcome to my life! :) I know exactly how you feel. My husbands job is 100% travel. He goes out of state for a couple/few weeks at a time, then comes home for a week or two. When he is home, he is just home, doesn't work at all. Which is great and makes it much more bearable, but it still wreaks havoc on our routine. When he does get called out to work, he usually has 24 hours notice. Rarely more than that, and sometimes quite a bit less. So we can't schedule anything. I can try to get my hair cut when he is home, but there is a good chance I will have to cancel. And we never know with any certainty or advance notice when he will be home.

We don't have any extra money to put my son in a mom's day out program or daycare or have a nanny either. My husband would do it for me in a heartbeat if we could afford it, but the recession hit us hard- he was laid off for 6 mos and when he went back to work he went back at half the pay he was making. Sure, he'd like to find another company that will pay better, but it isn't likely. So we are stuck making the best of the situation.

I do have my mom close and she can watch him in the evenings, but not the daytime, so I never get anything done. And I feel bad asking her to watch him too often because she works like 80 hours a week. So I try not to take advantage of her. I feel a lot like I did when my husband used to be in the military and on deployment, but at least then they had family support groups through the base. I don't have anything like that now, and I would almost rather he still be in the military to have that again. My husband's field has a pretty high divorce/single guy rate. Not many guys have young families like him. But I don't mind him being gone, we got used to that with the military. And I don't resent his job at all. Sometimes I resent the situation, or wish that he had a different career/skill set, but there is not much I can do about that. That is what is hard for me to work through.

My days and nights revolve around my kid. I am frequently tired and I tend to slack around the house and stuff. I just can't do it all myself. But scrubbing floors just isn't all that important, in the big picture. I joined a moms club and that has been a lifesaver. We get out once a week or so for a playgroup or event, and I have made some new friends. They all say the same thing- "no way could I do that!" Well, you do what you have to do. I don't see anyone else stepping up to pay our way. And yes, you do have to think of yourself as a single parent, but you still have to take another person into consideration at the same time. I'm lucky to be able to stay home because if I worked my husband would become a complete non-entity in our lives, and I am not willing to do that. So it is tough sometimes. I just figure in a year or so we should be able to better afford a preschool program, and then I will be able to get a pedicure or a haircut or doctors appointment done occasionally. Any time you wanna vent, feel free to message me!

Good luck,
R.

Well, my husband doesn't travel but he owns his own business and works/is on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week. A lot of times he has to respond to clients emergencies at the "right" moment. Our running joke is whenever we plan to do something - plan on not doing it because something will come up. My family lives in another state and his family is not an option for childcare for us.

So I took matters into my own hands and enrolled my 2 year old in a moms/parents day out program two mornings a week and joined a gym with childcare. The moms day out program comes out to 6 dollars an hour for the amount of time he is there each month - in my area you won't get help for $6/hour unless it's a middle school kid so even though the added expense is there each month it's cheaper than having a sitter. I plan for "me time" those mornings (gym, doctors appts., shopping etc) that he's at school and he goes to the gym day car for an hour or two about twice a week sometimes only once. Once he started going to school I realized how little time I had before for myself.

Since you know the dates that things are happening in advance can't you just hire a sitter for those times and then if your husband happens to be home just cancel? From what you said more times than not you wouldn't have to cancel the sitter. I know a few people who have used sittercity.com and found good babysitters. Also, ask another mom if they use a sitter they would recommend and explain your situation.

We're still working on nights. Husband tries to be home and finish working from home after the kids are in bed but it's always rushed because he's always late getting home.

I think you need to find a sitter who is flexible and schedule the sitter once a week or once every other week. Then regardless if your husband is in town or not, keep the sitter and either have a date night or just go out and have fun with the girls.

Good luck!

Btw - I have lots of SAHM friends who enrolled their kids in part time daycare just to get me time so don't feel bad about doing something like that. even if it's temporary until you figure something else out.

Have you looked into a teenager watching your son for a few hours per week? It sounds like you can possibly afford $8 - $10 per hour for a teen to watch your 2 y.o. Find them through the YMCA that you attend, most of the time they have a list of sitters that are CPR qual and have taken a sitter class.

It sounds like you feel like you are in a rut. I know, I have been there and got depressed over it. After working hard from the time I was 14 till after having my little girl (second child), I decided to get out of the USAF and stay at home. Our son was just like yours, active since he was born (now being tested for ADHD, but that is a different story).

You are obviously talking to your husband about this rut and he obviously feels trapped for good reasons... but I would really try to deflect this talk and chat with a girlfriend over it than him. Men are problem solvers and feel bad if they can't solve your issues. Reaching out to a GF is best and will keep your feelings flowing while not bogging down your husband.

I really don't agree with another poster about it's his responsibility too: his responsibility is to work and provide the "bacon", yours is to handle the home and the baby. That is what you guys decided on together, just like we did in my example above. You are working, just in a different sense. To me a nanny is for rich people... and that is how much they cost too! My friend is one.

Good luck!

Dear J,
First, you are not alone - so hang in there! I had a very similar situation - no family around, new to area so not many friends, husband travels a lot, extremely active boy, etc. Here are a few things that have helped me - hopefully some can work for you:
1. My husband's schedule changes all of the time. He is not so good with telling me about the changes (I came to the realization that he just isn't a detail oriented person so I learned to deal with it), so I got his secretary to e-mail me his schedule. This works great as she makes his travel arrangements, so she knows the specifics even before he does sometimes. She also lets me know when there are company meetings, dinners, etc. so I know that he will be in town for those days.
2. Join a gym that has babysitting. This gives you a little break AND lets you take care of yourself. I go to Women's Workout World (in Berwyn) which has extremely reasonable rates (about $20 a month plus a little more for babysitting) - join when they are having a promotion (these occur frequently) to make sure you get a good rate.
3. As summer is right around the corner, see if there is a student in your neigbhorhood who would be interested in babysitting. If it is a younger student, you could even stay home while she comes and let her play with your son while you cleaned the house, etc. If it is a more experienced student, then you could leave the house. I would suggest making a set day/time for the entire summer - for example, every Tuesday and Thursday morning from 9 -11. That way, you always have a set time each week to make your appointments - dentist, hair, etc. You also could make a set weekly rate that could be a lot lower than just one time jobs. Also, I have had a lot of success with boy babysitters, so don't rule them out.
4. When your son turns 3, put him in preschool a few mornings a week. You can find very reasonably priced preschools run by the community, church, etc. Again, this gives you a set day and time to make your appointments. I also felt that this helped my son to socialize with people his own age a little more. At first it was only 2 mornings a week which was just enough for both of us.
5. Having set days where your son is taken care of will enable you to use your Dad less and when you have to do something - e.g., the bridal shower.
6. Don't worry about the house so much. After getting upset for a long time that my house wasn't neat and clean every day, I finally decided just not to worry about it so much as it was more important for me to spend time with my son then to have a clean house. When your son goes to kindergarten, you can have an extremely clean house again because you will have more time to get those types of things done.

That is all I can think of right now. Good luck with everything!

You mentioned that "I would just hire a part-time nanny/housekeeper to come every week regardless of when my husband was working or what plans I have. Since that fantasy is NOT going to happen, I am wondering, how do other women out there do this?"

Now, just a thought or maybe I misunderstood: but it should not be "you" who has to hire a Nanny helper... it should be your Husband... and you JOINTLY coming to this solution, and paying for it.
Rationally speaking, it would help. And, since your Hubby has a job/income and since he is the one with a complicated job schedule and demands... HE should be a PART of this solution. Not it being on your shoulders. HE has to step up too... it is not just for "you" but he has kids TOO.

My friend, has a similar situation and she has 3 kids, all under the age of 7. Her HUSBAND, hired a part-time Nanny for her to come to the home, to help her and just to giver her some time off and personal time. Until that happened, she would literally be CRYING on some days, because of the stress and demands. She was alone so much, with her husband's job related traveling and demanding schedule. He was not home much. She was a single parent, in a sense.

I think, this should be a JOINT solution... for both you and Hubby to problem solve. Not only yours. This is his family/kids/wife too.

HE could, at least spend something, paying someone, a Nanny... to come and help out. To me, that is his "responsibility" too, as a Husband/Dad and one who has a demanding work life... which keeps him away from home and his "home" responsibilities.
And the thing is... he HAS to be responsible for the style of life HIS job, creates upon his family. Bottom line. He can't just be keeping up with his job and being good at that... meanwhile his home/family life/wife is suffering.

You need to sit down, together, and problem solve this. His job gives him no options, he feels trapped... but you are trapped TOO in "his" job parameters. THUS... he has to be willing to HIRE a Nanny helper for you.
As you said, you cannot rely on your family to do so.
Your Hubby has to be more proactive, in problem solving this, TOO.
Or, you send your child to daycare.... just so you can have a rational life and some time to yourself. Would your Husband want that option?

Your situation is not just "yours" alone... it is your Husband's too.
And he NEEDS to be RESPONSIBLE for that too. If it were not for his job... which is uncommonly demanding... this would not be a problem.
The nature of his job... is not like any everyday regular office job. SO... with that in mind, he has to tend to this.

All the best,
Susan

Hi J-
Keep your head up! While my husbands schedule does not sound quite as bad, he does travel quite a bit. He's getting ready to leave for about 3 weeks, home for 2 and then gone for another 2. It is tough, it is hard, it isn't always fun, but it is do-able. I work full-time for most of the year (schools) with 2 little boys, one in K and one in pre-school. Like you, I don't have any family in the area, mine is in FL and my husband's is about 2 hours away. However, I do think it is very important to try to find time for yourself. It sounds like you need a recharge:) I'm in a bookclub, too, which I don't miss...ever. Even if I have to find a sitter for just one or two hours because that's all I can manage that month, then that's what I do. I'm sure it's been suggested, but a lot of park district and Y's have childcare available while you work-out. There are also mom's morning out programs that offer you a least an hour or two for you to take care of yourself, whether it's going to the dentist, the doctor, the gym, or getting a pedicure:) Park district programs are pretty flexible from what I've seen and run for about 6-8 weeks, so if it doesn't work for you, you aren't stuck in a bad situation and out a lot of money, they are also fairly reasonable and might give your little guy some good social opportunities with kids his same age. If you have any other friends with kids near your sons age, you might suggest trading out sitting for each other.
Good luck, and feel free to email back for moral support or to vent! Remember take care of yourself first, so you have the energy to take care of your family.

-Natascha

It sounds like we're married to the same guy. I left my career to have a family, and feel very fortunate to have been able to spend the last 5 years home with my children. But I'm ready to do something with myself, especially given my husband's crazed and unpredictable work schedule. However, now I'm afraid it I start working it may be even more difficult on our relationship, and on our kids . We have a difficult time connecting as it is.

I get the feeling that somehow I need to give up my aspirations while my husband is providing for us, but for how long? I also feel that my financial contribution
would not be worth the sacrafice to our family time. I also feel that somehow I'm being self-indulgent if I want to pursue a career that might not be financially fruitful (again, not worth the sacrifice).
I do some consulting work, and I know that I feel better about myself when I'm working on a project for client. I also have less time to complain or think about the lack of connection with my spouse.

You are not the only person out there. Time management is important.

My hubby travels and is on the road a lot. We have no family around and really no one I can call on at a moments notice to help out if needed.

Our daughter is now 15, we got used to him being gone 2-3 nights a week. Right now he is home more because we are working together on our own company vs him working for someone else. Still, the 2-3 nights a week may be cut back to 1-2.

We use outlook calendar a lot and I schedule things and send it to him. He has our schedule on his calendar. At the beginning of the school year when I get the school calendar and functions that are planned, I get it on his calendar. I have his schedule on my outlook because I manage all his arrangements. He has never missed a school function for our daughter because we coordinate calendars. I don't miss my spa time, dr or hair appts, etc. because it is on his calendar and he works around it. Things might be different here because he makes his schedule and he does work it around my calendar vs being on a tighter schodule working for someone else.

Even after 20 yrs, I still put a little love/thank you note hidden somewhere in his bag so he knows I appreciate what he is doing.

I can see where sometimes you might look at yourself as a single mom. A few years back when daughter was in elementary school I pretty much did that. Although hubby had my schedule, he knew that I managed the home front and he knew it was taken care of. One less worry for him.

Don't be too h*** o* yourself. We cannot do it all. You have to make some time for yourself...find that however you can....walking, reading, hot shower or bath, etc. pamper yourself.

Good luck

On

I am breaking your situation into parts: you are not feeling fulfilled, your husband cannot be counted on to babysit and you want to know if others out there are in the same boat? Probably lots. Not sure exactly if you were just venting but let me explain something. Even though you feel this way now it changes as your little one grows. This time is so temporary. And one day as in my case when I felt quite similar to you and got divorced and wound up twenty something years later waving goodbye to my son for six years while he went into the service, and I had uterine cancer and stared down deaths door I truly wished to have the time back. If you really need a babysitter line up people through your church or neighborhood and accept that this is and I mean it, a very very short time in life. And one day when you do not need a babysitter and are feeling lonesome look back and remember all the time you did have to spend with this wonderful little person. You cannot go back, only forward. If it was a surprise that hubby has a job like that then of course you feel cheated. On the other hand, instead of feeling guilty about needing some me time-if you truly feel you have so much more that you need to have to do right now, then do it. But I truly think that once you see how fast time flies you will find that we are not dependent on our husbands or anyone truly but God and ourselves. And perhaps you are exactly where you are supposed to be.Good luck!

Hi, Jols,

I can relate. My husband is a touring musician and has been for ten years. My husband's schedule is extremely erratic and very unpredicatable. He is gone up to two months at a time. Some years, he's been gone more than he's been at home. Sometimes I have felt like a single mom. (I have two kids, 3- and 2-years-old and attend graduate school.)

To spend more time with the kids, my husband is trying to get off the road and still support the family by becoming a real estate agent. I don't know how that will go. Only time will tell. I should probably find a full-time job within the next few years.

Good luck!
Lynne

Try putting him in daycare for a few mornings a week, that way you have time to yourself & he gets to socialize.

It sounds like you need a part time job so that you can 1) have a little time away and 2) have some money to hire a regular babysitter. I am a full time working single mom and yes the first 2-3 yrs are hard as our little sweeties are so demanding and take up every ounce of time. I don't have any family in the US and so I don't have any additional support. But I like Abe Lincoln's phrase "we will be as happy as we allow ourselves to be." I try to schedule a few outings maybe twice per month when I get a babysitter for 2 hrs and I go out to my knitting group or for coffee - just so I can be sane. Perhaps if you take one night a week eg. monday night and schedule your dad to mind little one for 2 hrs and if your hubby is home great but otherwise dad does it or sometimes you actually hire a babysitter, then you can get a little time off. SAHM is indeed very hard. I think it is harder than full time working single mom. I would try to push some things off your list and also to focus on all the good things in life including the joy of your little one and then seriously schedule a few hours per week off. Good luck.

J,

I can relate very well. I work full-time and we have one child, age 4.5. My hubby works a crazy schedule and travels every week, so I am left to care for our child alone. I have no family in the area, and my hubby's parents live 45 minutes away. I have very few people I can rely on nearby, so I feel like a single mom sometimes! Feel free to personal message me if you would like to talk more!

If it helps to know that you are not alone, then please know it! I am a stay at home mom to two boys (3 and 1 1/2) and my husband works and goes to grad school at night and on weekends. Most days I am physically and mentally exhausted and often lose my patience which is not the mom I want to be. I know that I need breaks but it is difficult to figure out a way to get them, for all of the people making the suggestions, it is much easier said than done!!!! I am just overwhelmed with having to provide 24/7 care for my children so often the thought of having a mom's group come to the house or even packing the kids up and trying to get to one is a bit much. I do park district classes and while it is nice to get out, you still have to watch your children the whole time which doesn't really provide a break. Nannies and sitters are expensive and it takes time to find a good one that clicks with the children. I was going to join the Y but haven't been able to even get the kids packed up to get over there to do it....so how on earth would I get over there to work out?? When I am out, they run in opposite directions and it is exhausting trying to be outside with them and then trying to get them back into the house. I have a "breakdown" at least once a week and my husband and I try to problem solve but mostly I just feel all alone and misunderstood. I want to be a good mom and I so appreciate staying home with them but it can really be too much most days. I don't have any family in the area and while I have good friends, they all have a couple of kids and most of them work, so it is hard to ask people to help out when they have their own issues they are dealing with. So, I really don't have any suggestions but just want you to know that I feel for you and I completely understand! I keep thinking it is going to get easier and maybe it will once I get my son potty trained so I can leave him at a class by himself. But, like you, I am soley responsible for potty training him and well, that is a whole other discussion! And if one more person tells me to enjoy this age because you just want it back once they get older, I'm going to cry!

I don't have the answer, but you are not alone out there!
My husband doesn't travel, but he has erratic hours. Right now, here they are: Sun, Mon he is off (but Mondays he golfs). Tues 3-11, Wed 2-10, Thurs either 12-8 or 10-6; Fri 8-4; Sat 7-3. And he has a 50 minute commute each way...

For the first decade we were married, he worked on Sundays and Saturdays, and had days off mid-week.. like Wed and Thurs. so I never had him with me to go to group parties/picnics, etc. Sometimes he works 6-2 and goes back from 11p-7am on the same day. And he can sometimes call ahead and switch his shift to earlier or later, and he does depending... I can plan that he won't be home for dinner, but he is. Or I can plan to cook a big meal b/c he will be, and then he'll swap shifts and won't be.

So, I feel your pain. Our kids are older now (school age) and it is even more challenging, because even though I "get a break" with the kids at school... I have to do all the driving and picking up and taking them to almost every activity... b/c his schedule doesn't fit into it. And he is only home for the dinner meal a few times a week.

I worked a 40 hr/week work-schedule as a paralegal, before we had kids... and we have NO family within 5 hours of us.. so I feel everything you are experiencing!! It does get better though. You just can't compare yourself to other moms.. because they don't have the responsibility or life that you do. We live in a highly military populated area... and I often think that it might be easier if my hubby were deployed for stretches rather than just the erratic schedule. At least I wouldn't have to worry about waking him up in the mornings when I am trying to get the kids ready for school... or waking him when he has already gone to bed (9 pm sometimes) by watching a movie too loudly or cleaning up in the kitchen... or even just that I could finish the laundry --- (when he has gone to bed I can't access our closet to put away clothes).

I have NEVER hired a nanny or house help. I did take our kids to moms groups when they were little... for the adult interaction. And yes, my husband often suggested I join the gym, etc... but it was just too much for me.
As they kids get older, you will learn what works the best for your family. I found that around age 4, the kids suddenly become less clingy.. and you can go to church and the kids will play with the other kids after while you relax and socialize some. Or at the park. The only problem was that you never could go anywhere else without them. Running errands? Gotta take the kids. It can be frustrating.. but it is so worth it.
You will get through it. And I have always felt it is SO important for the kids to have that "constant" in their lives... since Daddy has such an erratic schedule and isn't here at bedtime a lot... that constant is me. Mom is ALWAYS here at bedtime and in the morning, and after school. And yes it has been hard.. and that is not to say that I NEVER go off without them... I do when hubby is home, just not often.. no weekly or monthly "girls night out" or anything like that. But they are so little for so short a time... You will be amazed when your youngest is in 2nd grade or so... you will think.. WOW. How did that happen??

What about trying to find (or start your own) playgroup where each mom gets to take a turn taking that "playgroup time" for herself? I know this won't solve the problem of making plans and then having to cancel last minute, but at least you will have a network of friends in the same boat ...maybe you will even end up being able to rely on them in those last minute scenarios.

Hi there,
My husband travels pretty consistently each week. When it's busy I'll see him Friday and Saturday and he leaves on Sunday. I have a 3 year old, work full time and we're expecting our second child in about a month. It's difficult. If I didn't work I think I might go insane however that's just me. My advice to you would be to find some kind of preschool (whether that be thru a daycare, a church, etc.) and try to give yourself at least a couple of mornings or afternoons "off" where you can do things on your own..clean, shop, whatever. Another advantage is that thru this you can meet other moms who may be able to recommend sitters who would come and watch your child on weekends which means you get to go out. Since I work full time my son has been in daycare since he was 6 months old and we found one of the daycare providers who was younger offered to sit for us on weekends. We felt comfortable since it was someone who cared for our son throughout the week...I see others mention mom groups, that's also a good start. You just need to find some "me" time to help you feel better about the situation. It's amazing what a few hours alone can do for you. Like you, I do all of the planning, I pay the bills, I make the appointments, etc. If you can, try to find people to do things for you like a kid in the neighborhood to cut the grass, a handyman to help around the house, someone to come and clean 1-2x each month. The less you have to rely on your husband the better since as you said his schedule is crazy and unreliable in itself. Take charge and feel good about it! I think there are a lot of positives to the situation (along with the negatives) and one is that your son will grow up seeing up in charge...and this teaches him that a man or a woman can run a household, etc. I'm more than willing to exchange emails, etc if it would help! Good luck!
L.

Dear J.
Well....I feel so deeply for you. My situation was very very similar to yours.
I lost both of my parents shortly after my two kids were born. My husband works alot, and is never home. I had no help as well. There were many days that are not only a fog/blur for me, but days turned into years and I also was lost. Please do not worry. It will get better. I can say this because my daughter is now 10 and I look back on all I went threw, and can say with pride that I RAISED A BRILLIANT WONDERFUL GIRL. I have taken all the credit and fault. It is not about you anymore, it is about your kids. You had your turn, it is their turn, you need to teach them and guide them to prepare them to be productive adults. Always keep in mind WHY you had children. Please, take your time, enjoy every moment. So you dont have date night, or get your nails done, or go out as often, so what. Your time will come, or as I said, your time has passed. Your other option is seek family therapy. Maybee that will help you and your husband comunicate your wants and needs to each other. I hope this helps you. God bless you.

Hi there. Being a Mom sure is a hard job, isn't it! And obviously time goes by so fast, and that is true, but YOU also have to have a life too. Hopefully you could find a Mother's Group or something like that out there. And since you said you don't really have the option of having someone come over all the time, maybe you can find another Mom in the area that you could do some swapping of time with. That is what I did - I met another Mom at a group, and then we were swapping time. She would watch my little one when she needed to do something, and then I would watch hers when she had something. It worked out wonderful. It was great for the kids to have a playdate, and it was great for us Moms to be able to do something...anything without them! Remember, YOU have to be happy so your child will be happy!!! You are doing a wonderful job, and it is completely normal to feel the way that you feel....sometimes life just stinks, and you may feel sorry for yourself...all normal too....that doesn't mean anything negative towards your child. You just need alittle time for yourself and a little balance. The best of luck to you, I hope things work out for you. You should say what area you are from, and then maybe there are others out there, that you could start with playdates, etc., and then hopefully get more! All the best....

You need your own job where you have your own money and regain your independence. Then, do as you please!

Mu husband travels and works late when he isnt traveling, til 9pm sometimes. I have a 2 and 4 year old. And it is very very difficult. I am exhausted by the end of the day and irritated that my husband is so devoted to working and doesnt get that his kids need him too. He loves us but he is a workaholic. I do not get out at all except to work one day a week. I have recently started using a sitter for about 3 hours one day a week, but that can get expensive. I havent got a hair cut in 6 months because i cannot make any appointments unless i take the kids. I cannot count on my husband to be home even when i have to go somewhere. I get really angry about it and we argue but he has to make a living so i can be home with our kids. However, if i had a life or got out once in a while, i would be a much better mom and wife. It does suck so i look at it as my kids will only be young for a short time and try to enjoy it. I will get out when they go to school. I know its hard but whats the alternative? Believe me, i know what you are going through. Some friends envy me because my husband is never home! I guess it could be worse. And i was totally independent before i was married and had kids. It was a HUGE change for me. Hang in there. If you cant get out now, your kids will get older and you will have the time then. I know how hard it is.

HELP!!! I'm Actually Sad That This Was Posted In 2010 BC I Need Help Now And Its 2013. I Am In Similar Situation And Going Crazy.. I SigNed Up Just To Write To This Post. There Is Like Nobody Out There to Help And I Am Almost At Wits End. Would Love To Talk.... If You Get This Please Let Me Know. I Hope You Have Things FiguredOut Now Or That They haveGotten Better :) :)