I am married to a basically good guy. However, once every 2-3 months he loses his temper. He will scream at the top of his lungs, throw things, kick things, etc. He knows this is a weakness and he tries to work on it, but still it happens every 2-3 months. I get so hurt when it does happen and every time I think I don't want to have to go through this again and have my little girls have to hear it again. I feel like every time he does this that maybe it would be best to leave him, but then again, it's only every couple of months and the rest of the time he's a good husband/father. Also, I think maybe I'm an unusually even tempered person and that this is normal for most people and maybe I'm overly sensitive. So does anyone else have this problem and/or married to someone with this problem? Is this normal? Is it something to just get over and live with?
I understand that people get angry, but not that many of them fly into a rage so regularly. Do you think he may be bi-polar? His rages, if not induced by alcohol, could be bi-polar rages and his behavior could be altered with medication.
http://lifeloveandbipolar.com/bipolar-rage
Sorry hun, but this is not normal. I unfortunately grew up with a dad like this and it is hard to see. My parents did end up divorcing after 16 years, he never got better. Took me a while to realize that other kid's parents didn't do this. My husband and I NEVER scream at eachother or throw things, oh we fight, but not like that. I would suggest he get anger management...if this is not something he's willing to work on, it would be a deal breaker for me. However, I would never want to advise the end of a marriage to someone with children, so hopefully if you threaten to leave he will KNOW that this is not something you are willing to live with. Good luck, and sorry for the tough spot you are in :(
Counseling. When a parent's behavior is unpredictable it has a LONG lasting effect on kids. This is NOT normal. Most ADULT people don't kick and throw things every few months when they get angry. It's not a "weakness", it's a PROBLEM, for him, for you, and for your kids. I'll bet they are afraid of him when he's like this. I'm sure he wouldn't like that.
Not knowing when a parent is going to explode is HORRIBLE, because you feel on your guard all the time. And it doesn't stop. I'm still dealing with this 25 years after leaving my home. It becomes a habit that is very hard to break.
It is not acceptable for an adult to scream and throw things. Ever. What happens when he throws something and it hits you or one of your children? Will that be okay if it only happens once every few months? An adult should not be throwing tantrums like a toddler. You wouldn't accept this behavior from your child, so why would you accept it from your spouse?
I'm sure it's a pattern of lots of stress build up and then finally a big release. That explains it, it doesn't excuse it. Do let him know that you are serious about him seeking some anger management. Also let him know in advance that if he flies into a rage, you will take the girls and spend the night in a hotel so they don't have to be subject to it. And DO IT. Have bags ready, money saved, whatever you need in order to be able to leave quickly. Let the girls know that 'daddy needs some quiet and alone time to calm down because it's not ok to act like that, so we'll let him settle down tonight and we'll see him tomorrow'.
I hope these responses aren't freaking you out. I'm sure you're right that he's basically a good guy. But even at the infrequent pace of these rages, it is damaging your girls. Good for you for stepping up to protect them, as well as not subject yourself to this either. Hopefully he agrees to take SPECIFIC steps to remedy this. Not "I'll work on it" vague stuff, but specific a-b-c steps. Good luck.
Please see a qualified counselor who can help you figure this out.
It is extremely damaging to children to grow up with a volatile parent. In some ways I think it's worse if it's intermittent - then it catches you off guard and hurts even more.
I'm not sure if your husband's behavior rises to that level (though it has to be pretty darn close with throwing and kicking things), but that's where a counselor can be very helpful.
In my amateur opinion some people who blow up have alot of deep-seeded fear (fear of loss, or abandonment, or shame?) which then turns to anger. It's not good for him to live his life feeling that way. And it's not good to push it down either.
Because you love him, and his girls love him - you may be able to help change his life for the better - forever. He sounds like a good man and you don't want him to lose his girls (even if it's just emotionally) because they are afraid of him.
I truly believe love, and work, can heal this if someone is open to it.
Please get him help. And help for you. Please!
No this is not normal or good. This is not setting a good example for your daughters. You don't want them growing up thinking this is okay.
When he is not mad, you need to discuss this with him. Let him know what you would like him to do to "work on it". I think counseling and anger management classes would be a good start. If he refuses, then you need to decide if this is a deal breaker. Personally, to me, it could be.
I have been married 26 years, I have seen my husband truly angry 2 to 3 times. Does he get short with me? Sure but he has never yelled, thrown anything or kicked. That sounds like a toddler. I have never yelled, thrown anything or kicked. I'm an adult.
Absolutely NOT normal or acceptable, nor is it something you should just "get over."
Yelling, screaming, throwing things, kicking things...all on the list of abusive behavior.
To dig a little further: Does he yell in your face? Grab things from your hands to throw? Kick or hit things near you to startle you? "Jump" at you or pull back like he's threatening to hit you? Trap you against walls or furniture?
As someone who loses her temper, I was going to kind of defend your husband but the throwing things and kicking is too much... Since he does want to work on it, get him some books, see if you can find an anger management class, consult a clergy member etc. If he's typically a good husband and father, this doesn't seem insurmountable... Also, have you ever told him that you are considering leaving him if he doesn't stop the throwing and kicking? Tell him this in a calm setting. If you act serious about it, it may be enough to stop him from going that far next time. LIkely he'll still scream but maybe he'll think to just leave the room and go punch his pillow instead. After a particularly bad temper tantrum by me once, my husband said he couldn't do it anymore. Somehow that sunk in and while I still get super mad sometimes, I've learned to contain it much better. It really hit home I have to be better or he might leave. Of course when I"m that mad, it's usually something he really did wrong. I'm a much much more considerate a person than he is which he agrees with. But he still has a point so it's made me change some.
I think it is relatively normal for people to let things build up before getting their stress out. It is cyclical. BUT, I do not think it is normal to blow up to the point of throwing and kicking things. Ever.
He sounds like he needs some anger management, or counseling. Does he ever do anything on a regular basis to help relieve stress? I ask that sincerely. Sounds like he needs an outlet. My husband uses his exercise time as both health booster and stress outlet. He runs. Works out with weights and machines. (both at home and work in the gym at work). And he reads. (that may not sound like a stress reliever, but for my husband it is, partly because of WHAT he likes to read--which is theology).
What does your husband do to deal with stress, besides blow up every 3 months?
nope. not normal, and since he knows its his weakness and tries to work on it, take it a step further and look into angermanagement classes for him and couples therapy to work on your communication skills
If he were trying to change, this would not happen every 2-3 months. Every person with anger issues says they are trying to change, so they can manipulate their partner to stay. You need couples therapy, and he definitely needs therapy. If you think this won't get worse, you will be in a world of hurt.
This is not normal, it's not healthy, and every 2-3 months still incredibly damages your children.
Sorry, but he should not be doing this. Your his wife and you have two little girls. Your not being overly sensitive at all. This can be vey scary for you and the girls. I would suggest him going to the doctor.
There are experts you can talk to for free about this behavior and that are close to your area in Greene County Ohio. Call Marriage Works! Ohio, toll free at 866-548-3271, Mon.-Fri.,9 am-4:30 pm, and ask for Linda or Sean. They are the Family Advocates who have experience working with people who have a temper. My big question is...does he lose his temper this way at work too? (Probably not, otherwise he would lose his job, right?) So, please call and speak with a family advocate today! They can give you informed, professional answers to your question and help you find a way to end this behavior that will benefit both of you and make you stronger as a couple.
I remember being where you are. Nope, it's not OK for an adult to scream at the top of their lungs, kick, or throw things when they are angry. It will not go away on its own. You have recognized the pattern so you know it is not a one-time loss of control. You won't get over it. It isn't yours to get over. It is his problem and it is hurting those he lives with. In order to keep living with it, you will learn to lie to yourself and to others. You stop it or you live with it. That's all there is. Now, the method you use to stop it is up to you. You could leave him. You could get him into counseling. You could get him into an anger management class. There is much you can do. God bless you and your family. Remember to be your daughters' advocate.
No it is NOT normal. My hubby sometimes loses his cool over stuff and will raise his voice or yell (and sometimes I do too), but he doesn't throw, hit, or kick anything. I think you need to seek out marriage counseling - you didn't say what he gets so upset about it, but no matter what, it doesn't make his behavior okay. I would ask him next time it happens, if he wants his daughters being married to someone who carries on like that. Because that is exactly what will happen - he is modeling to them how men and husbands behave and they will grow up either thinking what he is doing is ok, or grow up resentful and afraid of him. He might say he is "working on it" but it doesn't sound like he is really making any progress if it is still happening. Sounds like he needs to see a professional and learn some anger management skills. He doesn't need to be throwing any more adult temper tantrums.
No it's not normal and sounds like you need to get into couples therapy. No he does not need to do that but you need to work on the marriage before you think about getting out of it.
Have your kids tell him about "toothpaste" words. You know, the ones that can't be "put back on the tube" after they're out?
Maybe coming from the kids will make a point.
In my opinion, you are over-reacting. People get stressed out and if they dont have good coping skills or someone that they can vent to, they can release that anger that builds up. Try talking with your husband before he gets worked up. Check in with him for his day to day (as he should be doing with you).
