Husband Wants Me to Leave

Updated on August 19, 2013
R.P. asks from San Jose, CA
35 answers

My posts recently have been about my husband and me fighting. Things have become bad. I tried to talk to him so many times. I told him we should talk about the things that bother both of us and try and fix it, so I asked him what about me bothers him, he told me some things that bothered him and said he wanted to go out with his friends more, and that he hates it when I pawn our daughter off on him when he gets home. He didnt ask me what bothered me about him and didnt even seem to care. So a couple of days went by of us fighting some more and I told him what bothered me about him. He sat there and just watched tv. Things have never been this bad with us. He told me he wanted me to leave and he didnt want to be with me anymore.

I dont have any family here. All of my family and friends are in PA. I told him if he wants me to leave then the only option I have is to go home because I don't have a job or any means to support myself and my daughter. He said that was fine and that I can go. I dont see what I did that was so wrong that he doesnt love me, or want to be with me anymore. So basically I guess I'm moving to PA and he just doesnt care.

I talked to my Dad and he told me I should keep talking to my husband but this past week Ive talked to him and came to him so many times and he shows no emotion. I dont know what to do. My dad thinks hes just being "macho and immature" and that I should keep trying. If he doesnt care if I leave, should I just go?

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

I did get some free legal advice, and in california if you are married you can leave states and its not kidnapping. Also after 6 months of my child in another state, it becomes her legal state of residency.

My daughter is 14 months old. Me and my husband have only been married for a little over a year. I would love to stay here but there is no way that I would be able to afford it. Were renting and its very expensive. I thought about going home with family and friends because it would be rent free until I got on my feet.

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answers from Raleigh on

I wouldn't go. I'd have his stuff packed on the front porch. It's insensitive of him to make you leave when you have a daughter together. He should be the one getting a new place to live.

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answers from Boston on

I'm not one to casually suggest divorce, but this just doesn't seem worth the struggle to me. You're working way too hard and are way too miserable for someone married just over a year. My guess is that you were dating, got pregnant, and decided to get married because you were having a baby. That's not enough to sustain a marriage. Now you know.

If I were you, I would take the baby, any belongings worth moving across the country, and I would go. My sister was engaged to an immature loser for a long time and they had a baby. After almost two years of miserable parenting together with a guy who just wanted to party and be single, she finally woke up, packed up, and came home. It was the best thing she could have done. With the help of family and friends, she has been able to get back on her feet.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

I think that you should clean out the bank account and leave. Go back home, find a job, and have a life.

This man isn't your husband. Not emotionally. You got married because he knocked you up and, viola! instant family. But he doesn't want to be with you, and you clearly aren't in a real marriage. I think that he's cheating on you, likely wasting away the savings account gambling and partying. Quit grovelling at his feet, chasing after him, looking for his love and approval. Go stand on your own two feet and learn to be a real woman.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Not sure how many people have read your SWH before answering.

You don't own, so that's a plus. You are a SAHM and don't have the money to pay for rent. That's a problem. You don't have a job, so it is conceivable that he could sue you for custody. NOT because he wants his child. It's obvious that he doesn't. He would do it to try to get you to agree to less child support.

California is a very expensive state to live in. If your father would let you and the baby come home, that might be your best alternative. Get a job as quickly as you can so that you can show the court that you can support your child. Your husband OWES this baby child support. It would be wrong of you to not pursue him for that. Your child comes first. That includes before you.

I disagree with the premise that two parents are better than one, regardless of the circumstances. Your husband doesn't want to step up, doesn't want you to be there and doesn't want his child. Your father is correct about him being immature and macho, but that doesn't mean that anything you can do or say is going to save your marriage. He has decided that he doesn't want to be married anymore and doesn't care about being a father.

When you went to the lawyer, I hope you two discussed how you can protect yourself financially. You need to have bank account at a different bank than he banks at. You need to put money in it. He's not going to give you any money and he may close the account so that you have no access to it. Take care of this first and foremost.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself and stop caring how this man feels. You need to start thinking about yourself and your child now.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

File for legal separation before you leave so he has to pay spousal support and it's on record that you didn't just up and leave with this child. He can claim you left and he didn't even know you were going. He can claim all sorts of things so you might just want to protect yourself by filing this.

Of course you'll have to put in there that you want full custody and what arrangements you have with hubby about his visitation, when and where he can pick her up to take where ever he wants to take her for their visit. He'll have to have a written specific time and place to return her. If he doesn't follow this court order then he'll be in contempt of court and can be legally held accountable.

If it is filed and on record then he can't say he didn't know. This way you'll be out of his reach when he gets notice to pay child support and spousal support.

If you leave he can sell off, pawn, toss out the front door and put a "free" take it sign to anything you leave behind to make sure to have something specific in regards to anything you want that you have to leave behind.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Lansing on

Haven't read your previous posts but any true MAN would not just let his daughter let alone wife just walk out the door without a fight.

If you have the support in PA pack up your stuff and go.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

The problem is: he is a little boy. And he has not grown up.
He cannot handle having a Wife and a child.
He just wants to be by himself a single guy.
He can't handle the responsibility, nor on being a parent.
Why have a child, with a guy like that?
He will not be, a parent.
Does not want to.
Make SURE you get sole custody or whatever you can.
There are different types of "child custody." Google search it and look it up.

Being "macho and immature" is one thing.
But people don't just change, because you have wishful thinking.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Your Hubby wants you to leave and you're just going to pack up your child and leave?
Well, your Hubby does not automatically get what he wants.
Do not think that running back home to the folks is automatically your best option.
Is Dad hoping you'll patch it up with Hubby so you won't move back home to PA?
Dad is not necessarily the best person to be giving you advice.
Talk to a women's shelter - they are use to talking to women in all kinds of situations - some worse than yours.
Get some counseling.
And - you need a lawyer.
Sounds like divorce is heading your way - I don't know how long you need to be separated before one of you can file and since laws vary by state you might want to stay in CA until the divorce is final (that could be 6 months give or take) - this is something a lawyer can tell you about.
You're going to need to find a way to support yourself and your daughter.
Also, just because Hubby doesn't want to play married with child anymore does not get him off the hook for child support (and possibly alimony for awhile depending on how long you were married and how long you have not worked).
You can't be 'there you push me there I be' about this.
Get mad, get some good legal advice, be fully prepared to piss off everyone then do what's best for you and your child.
(This is the screwing he gets for the screwing he got.)
That might not be what your Hubby or what your Dad wants.
Too bad for both of them.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

So I think you have tried enough. STOP IT!!!!! He is not worth it. I think a marriage is worth fighting for it both people are willing to fight but it seems to me that your the only one fighting. I have heard in a lot of cases that the first year of marriage can be the hardest but I cant imagine that it would be that hard. I think you need to pack you and your baby up and go home. If a man tells you its ok to leave and take his child clear across the country then he really doesn't care it's time to let go and build a life for you and your child. He clearly doesn't want the same things that you want and he is making it very clear so go on with your life if it's meant to be he will come to his senses hopefully it wont be too late but you need to go home. NOW

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Please keep in mind what removing your daughter from her father will mean. I know it seems like the best idea but kids need two parents. They don't necessarily need to live together and many kids are not fortunate to have both but if the option is there, it's the best option.

If you do decide to move to PA, get it in writing from your husband that he is giving you permission to leave with her. And go to the bank or post office and get it notarized. He might have a change of heart and have you arrested.

I'm curious how old are you? I ask because he sounds very immature. Like he had a kid and then a marriage and the responsibilities that come with it and that he was not ready for.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

From reading your previous posts it seems to me that your husband has already left the marriage. It's really odd that he spends so much time with his friend/friend's girlfriend and out in general (that's what it seems from your previous posts). And sadly I wonder if there is someone else in the picture?

You don't mention how long you've been together or how old your child is. I agree with Robin that if it's possible - he should be the one that leaves and still provides money until you two figure out who's going to make the first move. For sure I would start talking getting as much legal advice as possible regarding the divorce and custody. Good luck. Hopefully something good will come out of this.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Wichita Falls on

It sounds over used, but both of you should be in counseling, as a couple and individually. It is likely that there are quite a few underlining issues that aren't being addressed either out of fear or not understanding what they are. If he won't go, go by yourself.

I would also make a list, what you like/love about him and what you don't. It will help you figure out if this relationship is worth saving, and remind you why you started to begin with. If it's not worth saving, counseling should help you and your daughter with transition.

If it is worth saving, say five nice things to your husband for every negative. You have been fighting for a while, and that takes it's toll on you, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I can understand wanting to give-up under all that pressure.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Yes just go. He's not going to suddenly grow up and live an adult life. You have to think of what's best for yourself and your daughter. Go back to PA where you will have the love and support you need.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Milwaukee on

Make him leave - geez

He is being macho and immature. Prob is - if you leave he will still need to decide visitation. You may have to fly your child to CA for 50% of his life.

Try to find someway to get your own apt or have him move out and get an apt.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Yes, go.

When my ex told me to leave, I took my one year old child and moved across country back to where I came from and where all my friends were. We had only been married a little over a year as well.

Any guy who can give up his kid isn't worth your time. Move back home, your husband is an a--hole. Don't bother with counseling or trying to change his mind.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

A relationship only works if both people are willing to put in the work and it does not sound like he is willing. I would go and build a new life, and make sure he pays the max for child support since he wont be helping in any other way to raise his child. Get a lawyer so you don't get screwed.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I am sorry you are going through this. Go home to PA where you can be near your family. We all need a support system. Your husband is apparently not able to be yours, so go home to your family.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Williamsport on

Do not keep trying to beg him to appreciate you. If he's meant to appreciate you (and he may not be) it will only happen when you move on with your life.

Get your legal ducks in a row, this post sounds like he thinks he can just be "rid of you guys". He needs to support you even if you're not with him.

If you WANT to go to PA to be with friends and family because that's better for you, then do that. But if you WANT to stay in CA, he's the one who needs to get out of the house/apartment even if he owns it, whatever. He can't kick out his wife and child. No judge will let him do that. If there isn't money for another residence that is appropriate for the parent raising the child, then the other person should leave. Which is him. He can go out out with his friends all he wants once he's sleeping on someone's couch. He seems to have an unrealistic sense of power. And your dad isn't helping. Don't kiss up to this guy. Cover your bases and live where you will be happiest. Be sure he pays support!!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Yes, go, get out now. You deserve better and so does your daughter. There is nothing you can do by yourself to repair and maintain a relationship. It takes two to tango. Make sure you file for child support. If you have access to bank accounts take at least half with you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Barbara on

Do you feel comfortable bringing/leaving your baby with him for extended periods of time for visitation? You can run off to PA but that is a realistic situation you may have to face. California is very father friendly. Hubby may say go ahead and go now but his tune may change and your daughter has a long way to go until 18.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Move back to PA. It's better for you and your daughter. It can't be good for a young toddler to grow up in such a hostile environment. Even if there is no actual yelling, fighting, etc., I think even kids that young can sense when there's tension in the home. Move in with your family and give your daughter a warm home environment.

Also, based on your description of what has been going on between you and your husband, it's pretty clear your husband has zero interest in trying to work things out. In your case, I doubt things like couple's counseling would help since he just not interested. Relationship is a two way street -- you can try and try all you want, but if he's not interested, you won't get far. I think it's time for you to move on. Get a divorce and do your own thing. In time, I'm sure you'll meet the right man for you.

Make sure you make copies of all important documents before you leave!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Denver on

I am so sorry you are going through this, how awful. I agree with those who say that he should be the one to leave. But here's my concern- if you kick him out and find a new place, it sounds as if you'll depend on the child support, etc., to afford this, at least for a while. That is a really hard way to live. If you really think he would/could pay, go that route in case he decides he wants to see his child. As others pointed out, you will have to figure out how to accommodate visitations.

If you don't feel like staying is an option, then go. You mention no support network where you are, no job, no means to support yourself. I think you really need to spend some time developing a support system and the skills necessary to take care of yourself and your child. I don't mean this to sound like you were slacking by taking care of your family, I just mean under these circumstances, you need to learn to be independent. The confidence you will gain will help you through this- no matter the outcome.

If you go, don't necessarily go with the intent of being back in PA forever, use the time to save money, get some counseling, and maybe brush up on the job skills/education that you have- or add to this skill set if need be.

In 6 months or a year you will feel much more centered, and able to make a decision based on what you want and what is best for your child.

I'm all for keeping families together, but it sounds as if you've tried many times and he is a brick wall. Work on yourself first, and if there is hope for the marriage, you will be better suited to manage this later.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

Find a job - any job, rent an apaprtment of your own, even if it's a cheap crappy place "on the wrong side of the tracks" and file for divorce.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Go. Writing is on the wall. I'm worried your dad is not taking you seriously though and you may meet some resistance going home too. I wish you the best of luck. Fortunately or unfortunately, it sounds like it will be much better for you and your daughter to leave.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Do you attend a church, where you could get some couples counseling, and maybe have a go-between for you and your husband? He is not helping matters by watching the TV while you are trying to discuss the future of your marriage. You need someone else to help out. If you don't belong to a church, try to find one in your area where you can get counseling for free. Lots of churches offer it. If your husband won't go, go without him. I say most every marriage is worth working on, especially if children are involved, and I wouldn't make any rash decisions. Good luck to you.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

Kick him out. Get some legal advice, try not to leave the state until you have the separation agreement and child care nailed down. California is more generous than PA.

Don't leave the residence until you talk to a lawyer, it is your home and your child's, too. You have rights, for your daughter's sake get yourself some support so that you get the best you can for her.

Both of the men in your life are idiots, get better advice.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I would not be so hasty to leave, though I understand you are in a terrible situation and have no support.
I don't think he necessarily means what he says-- he seems shut down emotionally. Something in your relationship has come to a head and has become so difficult and painful for him he has stopped coping. It's his problem and it's having a huge effect on you.
Ideally you would get counseling. If he won't go, get some for yourself. I think that the best ending for a relationship is not an ending made quickly and in anger, especially now when there's a child involved.
Something deeper is going on. Try to get to the heart of that. Or else you each risk repeating this relationship with someone else.
Prayers are with you.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Sacramento on

R. you do NOT have to take that! If you can afford the rent then tell him he can leave. You do not need to up root your daughter and move all the way across the US unless you are wanting to go home. Your hubby is thinking if you leave and move back to PA and he won't need to worry about child support most likely.

Your Dad is right about your hubby being immature, but that doesn't mean talking to him is going to change that.

Something else is going on and I know this from experience. My ex-husband had said the same thing oh so many years ago and we had two small kids at the time (now all grown up). It is better to take your daughter out of that situation, but make him move out or if you want to go to PA then go, but I would still make sure he pays child support for your daughter.

In my situation both of us moved out of our house - me I moved back home at my father's insistence and he (ex) moved into another place. It was better in the end believe me! You may not see it now by the hurt you are feeling, but believe me things will be better! Communication is so important and it sounds like you have none other than the mean things he wants to say to you. Unfortunately he sounds like a jerk you better off without!

Like I said I think to you before I am a proponent for marriage and love ever after, but sometimes situations make it impossible. I am so sorry you and your daughter will have to go through this, but you will get through it! The weight will be lifted!!



answers from Cincinnati on

I'd give it a bit more time, but in the meantime I'd get prepared in the event that you do leave.
Talk w/ friends and family at home, decide where you CAN go if you leave. Get a game plan in motion, so that if things get really bad you can leave and know what you are going to do.
Maybe your husband will come around, get off his ego trip and decide to work on saving his marriage. But if he doesn't seem interested after a little more time, don't beat a dead horse. You should not have to grovel to your husband to save your marriage.
The most important person YOU need to think about is your daughter. She shouldn't grow up w/ parents who don't love and respect each other,
Good luck to you!



answers from Cumberland on

He's the one that needs to leave-you stay-and keep things stable for your daughter. Tell him he needs to "pay to play".



answers from Appleton on

I agree you should leave but I would first have a court order for child support. Even if you move out of state it should be honored in another state. I would check on that before moving.
In the meantime, get a job and find child care. Put your pay in a separate account in only your name.

I do think it would be good for you to move in with your parents for a while but only as long as it takes for you to find a job, daycare and a place to live. If you stay with your parents you will become dependent upon them. It's time for you to be independent. If you need to go back to school and get a degree so you can get a good job.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are not 'pawning off' your daughter on him. She is his daughter also and needs to grow a pair and grow up and become a parent.


answers from San Francisco on

I'm going to assume that he married you because you got pregnant?
Because this sure doesn't sound like normal newlywed ups and downs.
I guess you could take the baby and go, since he doesn't seem to care about either of you, but I would not necessarily do that.
HE should move out, not you.
HE fathered a child, and married you, so now he needs to take responsibility for that.
Don't let him off the hook so easily. My own dad knocked several women up as a younger man, and they all either went on welfare or moved back in with their parents.
Men like this should be PAYING for their irresponsible sexual behavior, not getting away with it at everyone else's expense!



answers from New York on

Can you afford the place you have now on your own until you can go through the courts and get a set amount of child support/Alimony etc? If so, you should send him packing!! Why should you and your daughter leave? Get a job if you do not have one and keep
your chin up!



answers from Los Angeles on

I'm sorry you are going through this.
I think in your situation, I would go back home to PA to be with family &
If your dad will let you move in with him, I would do that for awhile so you
can get back on your feet.
Save money, look for a good paying job. You'll have relatives to help you
watch your child.
Your dad isn't the one that has to live with him and if you can tell your
husband doesn't care (which is sounds like) then move.
I would definitely meet with a lawyer for a free 30 min consultation to know your rights. I think I may do that once you move though.
It sounds like he doesn't care a the moment & won't be paying child support right now anyway.
I think you'd be better off in a loving atmosphere rather than a hostile one
w/friends & family nearby.
Best of luck. Take care of yourself and your baby!



answers from Washington DC on

If you own the marital home and leave, you may forfeit your claim to it.

Sorry, just saw that you are renting.

Next question: PLEASE HELP!!! (No Negativity)