Husband's Inappropriate "Friendship" with Another Woman

Updated on May 06, 2011
I.O. asks from Bothell, WA
19 answers

This is a subject I never thought I'd ever have to ask advice about. I've discovered my husband has been talking, texting, and emailing another woman. I believe she's a former coworker, someone from the state we used to live in. I suspected something a few weeks ago. He would get phone calls and leave the room, delete the record of the phone call, and has just not been as loving and affectionate as he used to be.
I found an email from her saying, " Hey handsome, when are you going to call me? I miss our calls. Kisses, ...."
He replied, " I also miss them, just haven't had any privacy. My wife walked in when I was going to call you. My shift at work just changed, so I'll be able to call you at night now."
I don't know if they've been intimate, but just the fact that he's hiding this from me shows me he knows it's wrong. He has some level of emotional connection with her, which to me is a betrayal. Obviously I'm devastated. I'm going to sit him down this weekend and bring this out. I'm willing to do counseling or whatever it takes if this marriage can be saved, but I don't know if he'll be willing to give up this girl. If he doesn't, we're through.
How will I deal with separation or divorce? I'm a stay at home mom, haven't worked in 5 yrs, finances are going to be tough.
Has anyone dealt with something like this before?

1 mom found this helpful

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So What Happened?

First of all I want to thank all who took the time to respond. Your input really kept me sane. I didn't wait till the weekend to confront him, but did it the next day.
I started by asking my husband how he felt about our relationship, if he was happy, had any concerns, etc. He said everything was fine. I then asked him if he had anything to tell me, anything I should know about. He said no. I asked him if he had any female friends he talked with. “No.” I asked him, "Who's ---?" He responded, "A friend." I asked why he had never mentioned her to me and if there was anything going on with her. He shrugged and said she was just a friend. I said, "Hey, I know more is going on. I'm giving you a chance to come clean." Pretty much still denied it. I pulled out my computer and read verbatim the exchange I found.

That's when he knew there was no denying it. He said it was an innocent friendship but then they started to flirt and he said it was exciting but harmless. That's when I went off on him, told him how much he had hurt me and our relationship for his own selfish pleasure, how I couldn't trust him anymore and wasn't sure I wanted to be with him.

So fast forward about three hours of talking about our relationship and issues I wasn't even aware of, we decided to try out therapy to see if this could be salvaged. He called and told her he wouldn't be talking to her anymore. So that's basically it for now. We both realize we have a lot of work to do but think a 10-year marriage is worth it. He knows he's still on "probation" and he messed up and is doing everything he can to rectify it.

Featured Answers



answers from Kansas City on

I would say if she ends a text with, kisses. then more than likely they have been intimate. Sorry you're having to deal with this and I wish you the best in dealing with this.

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answers from Albany on

Personally, I would like to cut your husbands balls off, sigh, sorry.

I truly hope this works out the way you want it to.

Please keep us posted.


11 moms found this helpful


answers from Iowa City on

Something similar happened to my SIL but her ex had a full blown affair, physical and emotional, with a coworker. Once she found out about the situation, she was done. She wasn't willing to try to "save" the marriage (and I can't blame her) and he is still with the other woman so I am guessing he wasn't going to be on board for counseling. She was a stay-at-home mother for five years. She received spousal support for one year, child support, primary physical custody of the children and half of the assets (including his 401K) and he had to pay her attorney's fees. The only thing she didn't get that she wanted was for her ex to pay for her medical insurance. She went back to college (she had a degree already) and is finishing up now. She had a lot of financial assistance and child care provided by her parents (so if you have friends and family willing to help you out do not be embarrassed to accept what they offer). She also received counseling for herself and her children. She says the best advice she got was to hire an excellent attorney. Best of luck to you.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Mansfield on

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hate to say it, but is sounds like an affair. Rather physically intimate or not, it's very intimate. If it were nothing more than friendship he would never hide it, but I think you know this from your post.
Whatever happens, you will be just fine. I hope you two can work it out, but if it doesn't remember how awesome you are. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and who doesn't see that about you.
Why wait until the weekend? Get some thoughts together (on paper helps) and confront him. I went through a divorce over 3 years ago and am now very happily married with a daughter. It will all work out for you, you'll see.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Tucson on

It breaks my heart to see so many people going through this right now. It must be something in the air. He's deffinately cheating and i cant believe you can wait until this weekend to say something. I let my husband have it the second i read an email from the little skank. I am currently going through all this. i am 37 weeks pregnant, just found out he cheated (his second time) a month or so ago. We seperated for 1 year the first time. He hasn't been living with my 2 girls and i for the last month and because its his second time cheating i am divorcing him. I am also a SAHM and since i am very pregnant can't work. He is still financially suporting me but only till i am able to get a job. I dont know what to tell you. If you guys are still in love and willing to work on things, go for it. But he has got to let that girl go. And trust will be an issue for the rest of your lives. Stay strong and if you need anything inbox me. Sorry... This really sucks.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

TO HR - it is NOT ridiculous to call her! I did - I wasn't going to be a VICTIM - I TOOK CONTROL....I found out a ton of stuff from the "other woman".... and NO - I was not expecting her to tell me the steamy stuff - but I did get to find out WHAT he told her about our before you start ridiculing others advice....THINK about WHY someone would TELL another - I was specific and told her I TOOK CONTROL!

I would not wait until the weekend to talk to him. I'd call him on the carpet RIGHT NOW...

If he thinks so little of you and your marriage that he can't have a conversation with another woman - then what he is doing is wrong. PERIOD.

I talk to my ex-fiance all the time - in front of my husband - I tell him I love him and my husband doesn't blink twice because he knows that my love for my Ex finace is not the same kind of love I have for him. however, I respect my husband NOT to hide from him.

I would call her - that's me - you can get the number from your cell phone company and call her - ask her what she thinks is going on...what she expects from it - if she tells him you talked - well....he may get pissed but OH WELL!!!

My exhusband started a relationship with another woman while we were overseas....I told him LEAVE NOW - go to her - the grass is NOT greener. He went and came back with his tail between his legs....needless to say - we didn't last much longer.

You CAN handle divorce and such - HE will HAVE to provide for you and the kids. So just tell him - great - you want her so bad - go - but you lose all of this and more....

DO NOT wait until the weekend. Call her. Then call him and tell him the cats out of the bag.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Wow, I can't give you advice, but I just want to tell you how terribly sorry I am that you are going through this. I don't know where I would even begin if I found myself in your shoes. You come across very articulate in your email, even while expressing something very emotional, so I'm confident that you have skills that can be useful in the work force if it comes to that.

I hope this doesn't end in heartbreak, and when you approach him about it this weekend, be as rational as you were in this post (as opposed to yelling or something) and hopefully he will be honest and remorseful. I'm glad you have self-respect and aren't in denial and won't tolerate his behavior or "friendship."

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Cincinnati on

How are you holding this in? How are you functioning? I would have laid it on him immediately! oh hell no he didn't. I am really sorry that you had to see those messages, but be glad that you did. Can you imagine being in the dark, and absolutely oblivious? No! Do not wait another day! You are better than that, you are worth more than that. You deserve better! Love yourself, and lose him!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on


It's Tuesday, don't wait, Mother's Day is Sunday, if he's gone, he's gone (physically or mentally), why should you be the punching bag? If he's just a disconnected husband, whose head has been turned for a while or NOT, call him on it and decide where you stand.....Don't wait, I wish you a positive outcome.....but tell you either way, it's still going to hurt.


6 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsfield on

I am so sorry you are going through this!!
You've already gotten some really good responses- the only thing I can think to add is, whether or not the two of you go to marriage counseling, it would probably be really helpful for you to go to a counselor since this is such a devastating thing to go through.

If this is the end of your marriage, you will be ok- not that it won't be hard for a while- but you will be able to pick up the pieces and find happiness again.
My DH's co-worker was married to her highschool sweetheart for around 25 years. Their youngest child was a senior in high school.
One evening the co-worker and her DH were coming home from having gone out to dinner. I'm not sure how the conversation started, but she jokingly said, "at least I know you're not having an affair or anything". It got real quiet for a moment, and the he said, "I can't lie to you anymore..." Turned out he was having an affair with someone who was in the group of people who frequently went on trips for work. She was completely shocked- she hadn't suspected a thing. He had to pull over the car so she could throw up. He wanted to leave her for this woman. She was obviously devastated, and I think it took a couple of weeks just for the shock to wear off. She alternated between grief and extreme anger. She's ok now though- she's moved on with her life- and is even seeing someone.
I'll say a prayer for you- hang in there!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on


Do not put up with this or any lies he tells you.
Be smart.

Of course, this is an affair!

RESEARCH things online and be smart. Put your ducks in a row.

Do you have family or close friends? That you can go to for help and/or lodging?????

Know that there are different kinds of "child custody" if it gets that far.
Here are the links for info on it:

Next: DO NOT let "Him" decide, your fate. YOU decide. HE messed up.

Go to Counseling or something.
IF he even, feels remorseful.

AND, I would tell off that woman of his.

Don't be a "wimp."
Be strong.
Be smart.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Youngstown on

This situation happened to my friend and this is what she did when she read text messages on her husbands phone between him and his bff's wife who is also a friend of ours(my husband is friends with both men also) these two women would go shopping and do all kind of stuff together my friend would confide her marital problems in this women,ANYWAY one night she picks up his phone after she gets off work and he is in bed she just had a feeling. She reads these texts and gets fired up. Goes into their bedroom starts kissing her husband he rolls over and is like hey baby and she says to him Do you wish I was Josie? he instantly sits up and a fight breaks out my friend then call this women(its like 1am by now) then calls her husband and tells him whats up....they are still married and she has chose to forgive him but needless to say he willingly gave Josie up and is no longer friends with the other husband. I think you should not wait and I am not sure how you could. This is cheating period whether they slept together or not. Try counseling. I am sorry you are going through that. Your husband must be a fool to jepordize his family for some flossey!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

What a giant D-bag! Sorry, that's the first thing that popped into my head. Don't wait til the weekend, this will just fester. Talk to him tonight. My advice would be to gage your response based on his reaction. If he is willing to be 100% transparent and put the work in it will take to rebuild your trust, then go for it. IF not, you will have to decide what exactly you are willing to put up with.

Im so sorry, Im sure you are hurting. You will be able to support yourself and your children. Where there is a will, there is a way.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have tears in my eyes for you. What your husband is doing to you is so incredibley WRONG. I dont have alot of advice for you, you have gotten so much already. I would recommend the book "Boundries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. But I doubt you feel like reading a book right now. What you do next is up to you. But please keep yourself and your children safe. I am so sorry that your husband did this to you. Sending hugs and prayers.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Williamsport on

Get a hold of his phone. Call her from it. Ask her what the extent of the relationship is. Be brave like, "Hi, So and So, I just got your message on my husbands phone about missing his calls..." Leave no room for denial on her part. She will probably lie, or hang up on you when it's not him, but she may spill something. At any rate, she will be confronted, and this is more effective than trying to ask him anything. Do not let this sneaky imbicile of a "female" remain in the woodwork like the roach she is. Confront her. She knows he's married. He will just lie and deny everything and try to make you the bad guy fro snooping, so having talked to her already will rally burn him, because he won't know what you found out and he'll be more scared to lie.

This may seem a little too presumptuous, and fast, but I've been through this and seen it a hundred times. They ARE having an affair. On the OFF CHANCE that there has been no physical intimacy, they still are. If you ask your husband to quit sneaking around and talking to her, he won't. Therapy wont' stop him, it will just enable to complain and blame you about "his needs" and it will make him resentful of you for "making him go" and reinforce in his mind your "troubled relationship" so he can gripe to the other woman.

Don't let him see you cry (for long until his butt is in the street with a duffel bag). With those facts in place, you need to let him know that you are stunned he has not been faithful to you, and until he proves that he wants to be, he needs to leave. You will not put up with his relationship with another woman for one more minute, and you will not trouble yourself with trying to get the truth out of him and all that nonsense. You have your proof. He needs to go. Otherwise, you'll just go through lots of long laborious steps before having to do just that and lots of damage will be done to your relationship in the mean time.

He is attracted to the unobtainable. He's got the best of both worlds-a wife and family, and and unobtainable romance. Remove the family temporarily until he can get his priorities straight. The only way he will shape up and try to win you back is if he has to. If he doesn't try to, and he just flies off to live with her, then you're better off (but that won't happen). He will respect your strong stance and be devastated at what he lost by being a total amateur cad.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Before you approach him with this, do some just in case things go really south work. Get a separate bank account & put in as much money as you can get a p.o. box & have your mail sent there. If you have open credit of any kind get the limit reduced as much as possible so it can not get ran up, better yet if you can close it do that. If you have open credit cards together have your name taken off after you do everything I have mentioned before.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

It sounds like his relationship with this other woman is totally inappropriate for a married man! You don't close with "kisses" if there isn't something more than friendship going on. And like you said, he wouldn't be hiding if he didn't feel it was wrong. Definitely talk to him about this situation and explain he has to give up this other woman if your marriage is going to work. I understand your concern about finances. Finances will be tough. But remember they will be tough for him too. He doesn't get off the hook there. If he decides to continue this other relationship see a divorce attorney and make sure you get everything you deserve. He may decide that this other woman is not worth the financial ruin and losing his family.

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answers from Portland on

I haven't read all your answers, but I have a feeling mine may be a bit different than the others you have received.

Bottom line is this: If you really are really willing to do whatever it takes to save this marriage, you have some work to do. Yes, YOU! If you want this marriage, you must fight, fight, fight for your man! There is something in this woman who is after your man that he likes. She probably isn't nagging, complaining about the kids, the housework, his family, etc. She probably looks great every time she sees him and she makes sure he knows he is handsome and wonderful in her eyes.

So....take a good look at yourself. How do you treat your hubby? Does he come home to frump woman? Do you turn him down all the time when he wants to make love to you? Do you treat him like he is the most important person in your life? You can bet she does!!!

The best book I ever read about marriage is "Created to Be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl. Here's the link:

This is what divorce looks like: You working one or two jobs to make ends meet, the kids in day care, you angry and resentful because x-hubby gets to be the fun parent with every-other weekend visitation while you complain all the time about how little the kids do to help you out and even an occasional ice cream cone digs into your meager budget.

Regardless of your religious views, this book can help you save your marriage. Best wishes to you!

~P. G.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I have been devistated before and what I said to myself was If he doesnt love me then I dont want him anyway So crying about it is just going to make you feel worse. Your smart you know what you have to do. Time heels all wounds. Apply for financial help, food stamps at the address where you,ll be staying with your kids. They,ll help you till you get a job and child support or allimony. Hold your head up high theres someone out there waiting to meet you! Better luck next time. Sorry it didnt work out and thats what I would tell him. Dont show any emotion to him. You dont even need to say why your leaving. He never gave you a heads up! The quieter you are the better!

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