Husband's Friend

Well, if your husband knows you don't like this guy, and you disagree with him hanging out with the guy...and he does know this even if you've never said so, he's not stupid...why would he tell you?

If the reasons you give are the only reasons you have for not liking this guy, I'm sorry, but they seem sort of petty. Big deal...so the guy asked your husband if he wanted to go to a strip joint in front of you. Was it your husband's response to the question that bothered you or the fact that the guy asked your husband in front of you (instead of sneaking behind your back) or the fact that the guy had the nerve to ask him period?

The business thing seems a little confusing...you're mad because he tried to "take" a contracted business from you...that you didn't really want/couldn't handle anyway. Do you think maybe he had good intentions and realized that you guys couldn't handle it and thought he was doing you a favor?

If this were me, I'd burry this one. Especially if they've been friends for a long time. Why make a mountain out of a mole hill, and try to make your husband choose between you and his friend. Do you honestly think that he absolutely LOVES each of your friends? Not likely. Everyone has qualities that bug other people...just because you don't like him doesn't mean your husband can't.

I think you are making trouble where you don't need to. I am sure your husband knows you don't like his friend. So he doesn't tell you because he knows you don't approve. I assume he has a cell phone, so he is reachable for emergencies. Do you always need to know where your husband is and if so, why? Or only when he is with this friend? The asking if he wanted to go to the gentleman's club - would you prefer he asks behind your back? I assume you don't approve of gentleman's clubs (neither do I). I also assume your husband knows that. So why are you angry? The business thing, sounds like business. Women tend to hold these things against the person forever. Men let it go. It's business and has nothing to do with the friendship.

The big problem, in my opinion, is the hiding. There is no need for hiding something, if he was just doing a "guy" thing. Hiding things is wrong and dishonest and can deteriorate any trust within a marriage. Another thing, that is strange to me, is that he talks to this friend "for hours" on the phone. He sees this friend frequently, correct? I don't think it's healthy for a spouse to be spending that much time on another person. (except another family member, of course.) The truth is, you say you trust your husband, but it sounds like your questioning. With the hours on the phone, the shady business situation, and the hiding...I really don't blame you. He is doing thing, that deserve serious questions. Talk to him ASAP, found out why he is hiding things, and figure out why he's taking for hours to a friend he sees often. Nip this in the bud, before it spirals.

My husband had a friend like this. I COULD NOT stand him. It was just my gut. My husband was not doing anything wrong, but he would do things he would not have 'normally' done had said friend not invited or encouraged him to go. I just could not shake my feelings about this guy. My husband also ventured into a business idea with his friend. Well, this friend also tried to take some of the business out from under us. I had been warning him for months, but, I guess he needed a friend and didn't want to believe me? He was crushed, but, finally saw what my gut had been telling me. I did feel horrible for him, and for some reason felt guilty also. I know I didn't make this guy a bad friend, but, I guess because I couldn't stop it from happening. I guess my point is that there is nothing you can do. If this friend is not a good friend, your husband will have to find out on his own. You just have to be as supportive as you can and be there for your husband should things fall through.

Well I think you have some good reason's for not trusting your husband while out with his friend. Having a "wrong" friend can cost you everything if you not careful. I think this sounds fishy to me. I think that they are up to something not good together. Drugs, pornography, strip clubs....etc.... Not being upfront and honest raises many flags here. I would respect my husband's opinion if the tables where turned about a friend of mine. My spouse and family come first before my friends.
I would discuss my "concerns" with him and see what his reactions are. If he is crazy defensive and unwilling to talk about it I would be really concerned about it.
You could hire a private investigator if it's really bugging you and you feel that your husband's not being honest. Don't go crazy not knowing.
Best Regards,
C.

I dont think you have anything to worry about. And if your husband somehow ends up in a gentlemens club, I would go buy a pair of $500 stillettos myself, I mean if he can waste money like that, so can you. ;) But, Like I said, I wouldnt worry. Guys are way more easy going when choosing friends and dont have too high of standards. hehe

P.S. To some who say most woman do not care if their hubands go to strip clubs I think you should speak for yourself, I personally dont like prostitutes and would rather my husband not be around them....Thanks!

Your husband isn't telling you he's meeting this friend because he knows you don't like the guy. I wouldn't worry that he isn't telling you he's with the friend, but if he's going off to strip clubs and places like that, and you don't feel it's right for a husband to go to those places, then you have a problem and the friend isn't it. You should have the courtesy to know WHERE he is, whether "Joe" is with him or not is really not something he has to report in on. I don't have to tell my husband exactly who I"m meeting for coffee (but our teenager DOES have to tell us exactly who her plans are with) - hubby is not a teen. The fact is your husband is socializing with this friend whether you know about it or not. If your husband is lying about where he is and is at strip clubs, bars, etc then you cannot trust him and need to make some decisions regarding your marriage. It doesn't matter whether he's in those places with friends or alone, he's still there.

Just let it go. If you strongly feel that this man is hurting your family, i would only say something once about how you are surprised with your husband and feel that he is a very kind man to take on a charity case for a friend and say that innocently.

When things like this come up, I always ask myself how I would feel if the situation were reversed. So - how would you feel if your hubby disliked one of your friends, and for reasons that you thought were "no big deal"? (I assume your hubby thinks these incidents weren't a big deal). Like, let's say he disliked your BFF because she dyes her hair? To you, not a big deal - to him, it shows she is a fake and therefore likely to rub off on you. (Now, I'm not dissing hair coloring, don't get me wrong, I'm playing devil's advocate). Personally, to me that would be like a challenge. Well, if you don't like my friend, I'll show YOU and hang out more, and not tell you so that it doesn't cause disagreements....
While it may have been in bad taste to mention the gentleman's club in front of you, a lot of men see nothing at all wrong with it, and it would be to them like asking a buddy to go to any other bar with them.
If the guy is truly not a good guy, your hubby will see it himself eventually. Your best bet is to take the high road, let your hubby have his guy time, and keep your mouth shut. You don't have to hang out with him yourself, and the times that it is unavoidable, be sweet and nice.

Well here is what I think about this situation, Well first of all My husband knows what I like and don't like ,it be a friend or family, the man knows me.
If one of his friends would have asked him that in front of me, all I would want my husband to say is No, just to respect me, and not piss me off. I dont even care about the friend asking him that, its me he needs to respect and he knows that. Besides all of that he don't have a friend that would ask him that in front of me anyway, because his friends knows me too and we dont do clubs anyway. Another thing neither of us have many friends and the ones we do have , we will all go places together. Other than that we've always focused most of our attention on our children going places with them with the activities they do, with that work and church , we dont have time to go out. One may say what if he does it behind your back. I would tell them
that will be ok for me because I would not know and I dont focus on things that might be, worrying about what he may be doing, I decided early on in my life , that I would never let a man dictate my happiness. But he does things behind my back, Guess what? He will have to worry about the outcome not me HEHEHE!!!!!!

But let me leave you with this: Dont worry about that friend, men are gonna men, If they out looking at women, just tell your husband one simple thing:
" Honey remember, I am a woman and what you get for free I have for sale" Thats just a joke yall LOL!!!!! Let it go girl, nothing to worry about at all.
Just be happy.
Good Bye now
L.

You can't tell him who to be friends with, however, you can and should insist on the courtesy of telling you where he is. You deserve no less. Ask him to see things from your point of view. Do you tell him where you're going and who you'll be with? What if you needed him in an emergency? You are partners, and telling your partner your whereabouts is just common courtesy. Stop nagging him (if you are) about this friend. That's what he's trying to avoid by not telling you.

trust & hiding are nearly oxymorons. If you have an issue with your husband sneaking off, you should confront him, this is definitely something between you and hubby and nothing to do with the buddy. Your husband should be big enough to know that going to the clubs will and is bothering you and know that it is not the place to make his relationship healthy.

This is your husbands friend, not yours, so you really have no say, as it should be. My husband would not dream of telling me who I can be friends with. As for the gentleman's club, that may have been more innocent than you think, because he may have really thought it was not a big deal, as long as you knew. My husband has gone with friends to those types of clubs, and as long as I know it is fine, but if he lied about it I would me mad. Not all woman have a problem with those types of things, so he had no way of knowing you would take it so personally (most woman I know would not have had a problem with it, and some would have liked to go along). If he know you would be mad, than he should have showed more respect, but that is also the past and something I am sure he and your husband have settled, as is the contract issue. If your husband forgave his friend, leave it at that. Any issues you have as far as your husband not telling you where he is going or who he is with, are between you and you husband, and have nothing to do with the friend. Unless you only want to know when it is THIS friend, in which case your husband probably knows you do not like him and just does not want the drama.

You have every right not to trust his friend. However, its not his friend that you need to trust. Its your husband. Maybe your husband knows that you don't trust this guy and that's why he's afraid to tell you when he's with him. I would talk to your husband. Even though I don't know where my husband is all the time or who he's with, I do trust him. If you don't trust your husband, then that's really where the problem lies. If you do trust your husband, then you have to trust his judgment when he's with his friend.

Really your hubby can't let this friend go sounds like he maynot be able to choose his friends wisely.As for the business it's buisness against friendship people can't mix the 2 it doesn't work.Bad timing on asking hubby to a gentlemens club we all know just by it's name & I hope hubby declined & told the friend I have a wife I don't go to those clubs..
I think your hubby doesn't tell you because he is afraid you'll blowup you already told him you don't trust the guy why should you trust them together without you knowing it.Do you think he is doing something behind your back other than not telling you he is with this friend of his???

i would let this man sink his own ship. we had/have a simular friend that has no morals eventually my hubby saw the light with the guy and figured out on his own he has nothing in common with the man. he has since moved but they hang out around the house if they come to town. if your hubby is the outstanding person you say he is eventally he will stop feeling sorry for the guy and wont want to be his friend. good luck.

There is a reason your gut is telling you this guy is no good. Even a little bit of secrecy is a cause for concern. Has your husband forgiven him for this "business deal?" I don't quite understand what happened but it sounds like the guy will do what needs to be done for himself and doesn't care about others. Asking your husband to go with you to a strip club is absolutely disrespectful!!!! If your husband doesn't see that, than he's putting this "dude" ahead of you. I would be very careful about how you approach this one because your hubby is likely to become defensive. He probably feels like he's living a little. They are probably having a great time. I would just gently tell him how you feel and that you feel like there is some sneaky stuff going on (and that you are aware of it). Just remind him of who and what is important in his life to remind him not to make any mistakes. Leave it at that. He's still likely to get mad but really, just leave it at that and tell him how you feel. He can't accuse you of being controlling if you are being gentle about it.

Can you have a conversation with your husband
at a time when there is no stress or tension,
when there isn't anything else going on?
In which you each can share your concerns
and the reasons for those concerns?
I wonder if you both might benefit
from a communications class or workshop.
Clearly your difficulties with this friend
are based on some real experiences,
and, in particular, on your perceptions
and associations around those experiences.
Your husband's perceptions and associations
about this person and those experiences
are nothing like yours so he cannot understand
why you might feel the way you do about this friend.
The question of whether or not your husband
goes to a (so-called) gentlemen's club
is separate from the larger issue, imo.
=================================
OH. I had written the above BEFORE noticing
that you had already given a What Happened
follow-up response.
So . . . . stopping here.
Good luck!