Husband Sucking My Will to Live! LOL!

You did not say what rank he is. With all the paper work I feel that he is doing something that someone else could and should do. I am married to a retired service man and can tell you that they do spend their whole life with the service once they are in however they also do have a family life and he needs to know this. Let him know that you are lonely and that you and the kids need some of his attention and that maybe he can leave some of the office at the office. His kids are important and they need him to spend some time with them he needs to know this also. One of the things that my children both remember while growing up is the nights that they did things with just Dad. Movies, dinner etc. He will regret not doing these things the older he and the kids get he also needs to know this. Good luck been there.

My suggestion is that you read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and implement it's suggestions. It's an easy read and the results are immediate. Best wishes!

It seems that after years of construction work, your husband has found himself a job that makes him feel important and needed. Now, your job is to make him feel like that at home. (I am NOT trying to say that any of this is your fault...he is really not balancing things well and that is his fault.)

I am just saying, that he may not realize what he is doing and I doubt it is intentional. It sounds like he is actually proud of himself for being able to solve problems that his troops have so he tells you about it. (We could care less because that is the kind of thing we women deal with on a daily basis!) But obviously it is something that lets him share with you too. That part of your relationship should stay and you should ooh and ahh as much as you can about his accomplishments.

You guys need to sit down and have a talk about how proud you are of him and how well that he is doing at his job. Tell him that you see how hard he works and that you are worried he is putting too much stress on himself. Do be honest that you feel like you and the kids are being put second, but try not to be on the offensive or he will immediately go on the defensive.

That said, there is a chain of command and there are plenty of administrative assistants out there. Have him pick a lower-ranking guy that he thinks is sharper than the rest and assign him to be an admin assistant if there isn't one assigned to the unit. He would still have to type up the counseling statements, but he should put aside an "admin" day of his own like twice a month (AT WORK), where his troops do their own training or activity (supervised by their highest ranking peer).

The one thing that has to go is the phone calls. There is absolutely NO reason that he should be having to do that! E-mail is a great invention that gets a schedule out to multiple people at once with little effort. If he gives you the excuse that it isn't secure...it is just as much so as land-line phone calls. Or have him have a staff meeting at the end of the work day to brief the next day's plans. If it has to be done by phone, have him create a "phone chain." The Air force does it all the time for recalls. Have him put
rules in place to ensure that his soldiers are getting contacted...such as if one hasn't heard from the above in the chain, he must call that person. This will give the soldiers the sense that he trusts them and can help build morale too.

Set aside one night per week as "family night" It is not an optional thing. He must participate with the family in an activity. It can be movie and popcorn in your living room, or an out of the house activity, but the Army is not invited. Same goes for one day of the weekend that he must spend with you and the kids.

Try to get yourself out for a date-night once a week....my pilot hubby and I do that every Friday. It can be to Taco Bell and a walk in the park, or dinner and a movie, whatever your budget will allow.

Gentle, compassionate honesty should get your family right back on track. Good luck and God bless!

Dear R.,

Please go to the other replies I've made to wives who are having similar problems with their husbands.

What stands out to me, as one looking in, is that when you suggested that he be in the army full time, you helped him to find something that really energizes him. And now he is trying very hard to do the job well. What he really wants to hear you say is, "Wow! What a great job you're doing! I'm impressed!" Give him encouragement and respect.

I think you should be patient for a while. Give him time to get going at this.

However, the other side is that you have a very full plate right now. Tell him that you will love to help him when you can, but sometimes just working and being a mom takes a lot of time. Have a good attitude about it, but a realistic attitude.

I suspect that if you will be cheerful and encouraging and proud of him, that one day he will settle down and "come back home." But in the meantime help him be successful. Even be interested in what he is doing.

You are in this for the long haul. This is temporary.

When my husband started a business, we had little children. He worked long hours. I as resentful that everything else was up to me. I wish I could have seen that that was temporary. Now his business is doing well and doesn't take as much of his time. He is very focused in on me now! Yea!

I hope these words help.

Hello, I was in the Army too so I do understand his perspective, HOWEVER!!!!!!! You are NOT a stay at home mom, you need to remind him of this. A suttle way to remind him is flip the coin on him. Come home tomorrow and hand HIM ALL your homework that needs to be graded from all of your students, then hand HIM all of your lesson plans that need to be worked out for the week as well as all the homework lessons that need to be worked out, DO NOT FORGET the parent-teacher conferences that need to be made and scheduled. Tell him he is also going to be doing the laundry, dinner and the chores because YOU are busy TYPING HIS COUNCELLING STATEMENTS, leave statements and other orders for HIS MEN that HE SHOULD BE DOING. Tell him to remember to get the kids off to school on time in the morning because you still have typing to do too! Then go to your office or upstairs or wherever you go and leave it all alone. His will be in total shock and once he picks his jaw up off the ground, TALK TO HIM! Don't get into a big fight about it, but he really does need to physically see and feel what it is like for you when he comes home. It is so easy to get sidetracked and to think (for him) that you are going to be there and support him 100%. You can still be there for him 100%, but he needs to do HIS work, just as you need to do YOUR work. You can still be supportive without doing his job for him... that's not being supportive.... that's coddling him and..... IT"S NOT YOUR JOB!
Not to mention, it's driving you NUTSO.
Don't let this go and put even more of a strain on your marriage. Good luck!

Being a national guard wife myself, I so know how it is. I can't plan to far in advance without the Army having something to do with changing my schedule. Very frustrating.

Have you thought of attending one of the marriage enrichment seminar weekends with him? When ever I attend one of my husband's events, they are always stressing how important family support is to the soldier and how they couldn't do it without the families. An enrichment seminar might help your husband see the other side of the family equation. It's sponsored by the guard, so maybe he could think of it as one of his work duties ; ) lol. Also, you may want to contact the chaplain for your husband's unit. They can help put a word in a soldier's ear about the importance of family and being part of it while serving the country.

My husband loves his time in the guard. He gets feedback on his performance (good or bad) which doesn't always happen in his civilian job. You know where you stand in the ranks, which definitely changes to easily in the civilian job. My husband tells me all the time, he feels better when he feels valued, either at home or at work. This may come off as one of Dr. Laura Schlessinger's comments from her book "The Care and Feeding of Husbands," but that positive reinforcement from home maybe is missing. I know that sounds unfair when you are doing all the work and are being neglected. I ask myself that all the time when I feel overloaded and unappreciated. But when I remember to tell my husband how important he is to me and the family, he actually does participate more with the family. I take care of too many things that he feels a little useless or undervalued. That his only role is to bring home a paycheck. While that is very, very important in our case since I stay at home and try to earn extra money from my business. It isn't very satisfying to him to know that it appears as his only value.

So in my long ramble, if he is let know more how his presence and participation is valued and desired (not just to do husband chores, but that helps), he may feel the feedback that he wants to stay more with the family.

No you are definately not whining. But you're not alone either. My husband is in the navy and it tends to seem a little bit ridiculous. But I put my foot down and told him that once he walks through that door work has ended. (Well for the most part anyway.) Like your husband mine has a group he is in charge of and they call to whine about every little problem, or because we live on base they stop by to whine. That kind of comes with the territory. But there isn't any reason that he can't "change caps" if you will once he walks through the door. The miltary hat comes off and the father/husband hat goes on.

I haven't read all of the responses you've received, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating advice, but I felt I needed to respond.

First of all, I don't think you're whining. I think you have legitimate concerns over the current situation your family is facing.

The first thing I feel you need to do is sit down and have a talk with your husband. I find that unless I specifically tell my husband what is bothering me, he is generally clueless that there's even a problem. I wouldn't do this as soon as he walks in the door; he may feel ambushed. Wait until the kids are in bed, or otherwise occupied, and sit down with him to address your concerns.

The other aspect of this is the fact that the Army is taking over your lives, and I feel strongly that it does not need to. I was Active Duty Army for 6 years, so I know some of what he has to deal with.

Keep in mind that I don't know his rank, his position, or his job, so some of this might differ based on his exact requirements, but a lot of it is the same.

In talking to him, mention that you would prefer the Army talk wait a bit. Since it's such a large part of his life, it's understandable he's going to want to discuss it somewhat, but let him know that's not all you want to talk about. Another idea is (depending on how old your kids are), to get in the habit of eating dinner together, during which everyone gets to go around and talk about their day. It's interesting to see what your kids decide to bring up, and can let them know what he's doing, too.

With the typing, does his unit require everything to be typed? Some do, in which case I would talk to him about doing his own typing. If it's not required, that's something to see if it can be changed. Personally, I wrote out my counseling statements as I went through the counseling session--I found it easier that way. Leave forms...if they're his, that's one thing, but if he's having you type for anyone else, that needs to stop.

What stuff does he need to get ready for the next day? I don't know what to say if it's specific to his job (like if he teaches, prepping his lesson for the next day), or general Army stuff (uniform prep, that sort of thing). I'm assuming he's got the new uniforms, so that should mean no ironing or boot shining, right? I would look into what he needs to do, and see if it's something that can be changed, so it's not taking up his whole evening (for example, I used to have my uniforms drycleaned, so I didn't have to iron every night). If he's getting patches onto the new uniforms, can you get another set, so he's at least only doing it every other day?

As for calling his soldiers every night...that needs to stop. I can't think of a reason he needs to do this. Not to mention these soldiers have their own families to spend time with, or if single, still need down time. Usually you have at least two formations a day (depending on type of unite) one in the morning, one in the evening. He should be able to give out this information during those formations--that's what they're for. Additionally, find out if there's anyone he can delegate to--if calls need to be made, he can call his teamleaders, and they can help out.

I would try to find out more about what he needs done and why--and talk to him about finding ways to free up part of his evening. I think a discussion between the two of you will go a long way to helping with this situation--it's possible he's just unaware of what you're feeling, and what you need.

Feel free to send me a message if you want me to expand further on what I've said.

My hubby is only an E-4, but he's been in for 7 years now so I know a little about the Army =)
I know how hard the upper enlisted and officers work to take care of their soldiers (well the good ones at least!) but he DOES need to set himself a schedule for taking care of those needs. Maybe he could come home, relax for like 30 min. (I've found that my hubby usually needs about that much time to de-stress after work...some of those soldiers they work with can be a pain in the rear!) After that, eat dinner as a family and involve him in conversation with you and the kids about your day. Then if you need him to help you with your kids' homework, dishes, etc., do that after dinner. THEN he can have some time all alone to get his paperwork done, call his soldiers, etc. Once that is done, hopefully there will be a little time left for you and him to have at least an hour together before bed. I would definitely put my foot down and say NO when it comes to YOU typing HIS paperwork for him! If he's a slow typist, suggest he take a class! You have tons of work to do yourself from teaching! There's no reason you should do his work for him!
Also, depending on what rank he is, why can't he type up a phone tree so that he can call the NCOs below him, and THEY can split the rest of the soldiers up and call them? That's what a lot of my hubby's units have done. Even my hubby has been placed in charge of calling those lower in rank than himself.
I think you also need to remember though that being in the Army isn't just a job, it's a way of life. It's really hard to separate work from home life when they are so integrated, and when the Army takes up so much of the soldier's time! Sounds to me he might need a buddy around the same rank as himself to go have a drink with and talk about the negative aspects of their jobs. He probably vents to you just b/c he has no one else to vent to! But I know how hard it is when it happens ALL the time!
I think you should plan a date night for the 2 of you at LEAST once a month...no kids, NO work issues, just the 2 of you! (FYI...the CDC on post offers 5 free hours of childcare per month for ANY active duty soldier! all you have to do is register your kids!)
Are you on www.cafemom.com or myspace? If so, you can search for groups of Army wives in the El Paso area. There are a couple on yahoo groups as well. (we were stationed at Fort Bliss last!) If you need help finding some, let me know! They can be a great resource for you to find support and answers and realize you are not alone!
I hope I've helped some! If you would like to chat more, feel free to message me on here!

(Tell him he's more apt to get a little nookie if he puts down the phone and stops working... Tell him that seeing him doing daddy time is sexy...)

Sorry, I'm not up to date with military communication needs... But can't he send an email and cc everyone? I mean, I understand the value of personal communication with your 'employees' versus informal emails. And there is a level of interpersonal interest achieved by telephone. But, maybe M & W he calls them and T, Th, F (& weekend days?) he sends a email... And on then T, Th, F, its family night... as in, no army talk after a certain time.

And I don't know what kind of pressure he might be under. It sounds like he is driven to be the best darn soldier he can be... But that leaving you as the 'army of one at home'. He needs to funnel some of the paternal interest he has in his squad into his kids. There's a compromise solution in there somewhere.

Hello, my husband is a SFC in the army and I don't understand why is is constantly brining home his counsel statements or leave forms. Don't get me wrong my husband has brought home work but not on a regular basis. Another thing why is he calling his soldiers the night before to let them know what is going on the next day? Isn't that what formations are for? I think that once he gets home that he should spend time with his family. I think that your husband has good intentions, but maybe he needs to realize that his work needs to be left at the door.
-J.

This is such a common problem with many, many marriages so certainly don't think that you're all alone in this. Also, this is so fixable! You obviously have a strong relationship with your husband since he took your advice to join the army and obviously loves it. Sometimes when we get involved with something we love and are passionate about and get carried away. It's almost like our mind is so focussed on it that one thing that everything else falls by the way side. And you don't even realize that you're neglecting the others thing that you also cherish. I believe that this is most likely what is going on with your hubby. He is just so excited with this new part of his life. I'm sure he still adores you and the kids he's just "blinded" by his passion for this new job. You need to life the blinders for him. He HAS to have a balance. There is no option. In order to have a happy family unit he has to give his part to his family - works come second. Reminding him of what his true important responsibilities is a must. If a gentle reminder doesn't work, then get in his face about it. He has to understand that you totally support him, but he has to support the family in every way and he's not doing that now. When it comes to him jabbering on and on about his troops I certainly can sympathize. My husband is a computer programmer and he loves to tell me all about his work. Try listening to ramblings about web servers and database configurations. I had to put a limit on my husband talking to me about his work. I give him 20 minutes a day to talk all about work. And then I tell him that my brain can't take it anymore. At first my husband was offended by this, but I met him half way. He can talk all about what he wants for 20 minutes and I listen intently. Then I can talk about what i want for 20 minutes. That we we both don't have to listen to endless droning of subjects we don't particularly like. I hope this helps and I certainly hope you and your hubby can work something out. Good luck and keep us posted.

I would suggest reading "Boundaries" or "Boundaries in Marraige" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. It is one thing to love and support your husband, but he needs to return the favor and get better organized and responsible.

I pretty much do everything around here as far as our son is considered. Lately my husband has been helping clean and its wonderful. I kinda got burned out on doing all the cleaning and wozza let some dishes pile up and a grage get out of hand and poof he did it himself. My husband talks about work when he gets home most of the time. I think its wonderful that your husband loves his job. How rare is that. As far as talking to the other soldiers the night before to let them in on what is going to happen the next day. I find that annoying. Can he let them in on this before they leave. Or let them know first thing. If my boss or coworker was calling me I would tell them to get a grip. That is there family time. Thanks for all that your husband and you to have done for our contry. Try to understand where he is comming from and plan some fun nights like game night or movie nite what ever he will enjoy too. Good luck.

Boy your posting brought back memories to a time when my husband was out of balance plus I've been there done that as a military wife & teacher...unfortunately, the balance in life your husband needs is something he has to understand he needs. But there are some very intentional baby steps you can do to help him understand how out of balance his life is...start with once a month making a date with your husband...Give plenty of notice...Write it down, put up reminders...On your date night get away from the phone...turn off cells...make it a celebration for him and you...plan something simple or special but relaxing...get rid of the kids...whatever it takes to have some alone time where you can reconnect as a couple. Don't try to make this time a gripe or nagging session about neglect...instead try to get him to relax with you...together as a couple. If he wants to talk about work, I would suggest one of two ploys...you can either let him talk just very gently don't respond or engage him in conversation...pretty soon he's talking to himself and he'll quit talking about work OR you can gently tell him that tonight is about relaxing and not about work (BTW that includes you too) Baby step no.2 would be to try once a month planning a family outing...same principle applies...away from phones, turn off cells, no work talk...try something that can engage the whole family...putt-putt, bowling, etc..

Start slowly with baby steps, knowing that these are gentle but intentionally planned opportunities for him to relax and get away with you and the family. If you can get him to relax, I think you see that he will come to the realization all on his own how out of balance his life is.

As someone who's been there, you also need to do some things that will help you until he understands how his lack of balance is affecting the whole family...how about hiring a maid for once a week? Or intentionally planning a fun night away from home doing something that you like to do. The fact that his life is out of balance can create an out of balance lifestyle for you because you are trying to compensate for the rest of the family...don't fall into that...if you don't take care of yourself,too...how can you help him and the rest of the family?
Hope that gives you some ideas...
C., married for 25 years

I commend you. Being in the workforce full time, and Army wife and a mom. I chose to only work part time and that is only when he is not deployed...when he is deployed I stay home with the kids full time. (And my plate is full, I can only imagine yours)
WOW ...sounds like you need Calgon to take you away. then a date with your hubby...one rule...no army talk.
I hear ya about the army this and army that...but it is what we signed on for. Hide his cell phone...even for a couple of hours...play dumb have a couple hours of family time then...gee whiz honey I found your phone...he would never know the difference and you would have a few minutes with your family. I always say...we can't whine we chose this life, but sometimes you have to vent...venting is not whining.
good luck...take a deep breath you will all find the right combination.

NO YOUR NOT A WHINER!!!Communication is key. In a kind way you need to express your feelings. He needs to hear that you feel like he is putting his job before the family. That you and the kids miss him and feel neglected. Maybe negotiate a rule that once the kids are in bed you can both discuss your day at work if necessary, but only after quality time with the family and never on the weekends. And as far as his secretarial needs...he can do that his self cause I know the paperwork you already have on your plate. REMIND HIM HOW QUICKLY THE KIDS GROW UP AND HOW MUCH HE IS MISSING.....PS Maybe when he shares his work day you can suggest that he delegate some of his duties..Good luck..

1. Jump in and help in with all that you can with the best attitude you can put forward, even faking it. That way he is settled with little worrying him and then...
2. When you and he are calm and nothing interfering, talk to him about how you feel without accusing him of anything. Let him help come up with the solution to fix how you're feeling. If it is too much to ask at this point for him to help you out around the house, then suggest a cleaning lady to help you out. Maybe there are certain chores or kids activities that he wouldn't mind doing. And don't fret over that. Regarding your emotional needs and the children's, make sure he understands that he has to schedule you guys into the calendar as well.
3. He might truly love his job or he might be feeling a lot of pressure. You suggested he do this, so he probably knows you don't mind helping him succeed at it. He's probably clueless to how you are feeling - so don't blindside him.
4. My husband did this to me when in college. It took him a while to see what I was trying so hard to tell him. He eventually got it. It is part of his personality to be that way, so it is a struggle for him to "remember" us. Ha. But, he does make a point to schedule time for us. But, many times, it actually has to be penciled in. I don't like it (I would rather him just looove to be with us, etc.), but I know it's not intentional. It's a focus issue and some men have a hard time with it. TALK TO HIM, rationally. Accept the baby steps he will try without overreacting that it's not enough. Keep talking to him and those baby steps will improve. Give him time to digest what you're saying to him. Eventually, it will be his idea to schedule time and not yours.
We schedule the first Sat of the month to do something as a family. My husband has also taken over giving the kids a bath in the evening. This didn't happen overnight. Give it time. In the meantime, get some help from another woman right now with the small stuff.

It sounds to me that your husband is a good leader. I realize that the Army takes up much of his time but that is his job. Do you realize that he is responsible for nearly every action of his soldiers? If they screw up, he is the one who takes the blame.
I read your post to my husband who is a Sgt. in the Army (with 7 years experience, 4 of them as a Sgt.) He says your husband is doing a good job. He takes his job and position seriously and that is something to be commended. They Army needs more men like him.
It may sound harsh, but my advice is suck it up and be the gung-ho Army wife. If you are married to a soldier, you are married to the Army. That is just the way it works. It sounds to me that you aren't embracing military life and the conflict with your husband stems from that. Every good leader needs and deserves a good wife who helps them, not hinders them in their duty.

Well, thank goodness he LIKES his job! It would be awful if he just hated it after you suggested it!

My suggestion is that you ask him to sit down with you and TALK --that means BOTH of you talk--after supper or when the kids are in bed. It doesn't have to be a long, drawn-out session, just give it 30 minutes or so. The topic should be what you expect of each other. If you have any criticism of him, be sure to sandwich it in praise. Tell him how glad you are that he loves his new job and how proud he has made you. In between these two statements, let him know how much you and the children have missed having him actively involved in the family, and ask for his suggestions as to how to solve this problem.

One thing I would be careful about is using negative statements like "you don't seem to care about us anymore". I was taught in a marriage retreat that the best way to voice a grievance is to do it like this: "When you do this (whatever it is), IT MAKES ME FEEL like this (however you feel). He can't argue with your feelings--they're yours.

Remember, he's being a good provider for the family; he just needs a little reminder that work is a means to an end, NOT the "end" in itself.

As for his coming ooming home and talking about work, my husband does that, too. It's only natural that he would want to share with me. Sometimes, I must admit, I don't listen too well. (Some of the details of academic life bore me to tears--my husband is a college professor.) I have been blessed, however, as he usually asks me what's new in my world and gives me a chance to run things by him, as well. This seems to work pretty well--we're celebrating our 37th anniversary next month.

I hope some of these comments help you. Just remember, communication is SO important. It never hurts to talk things out--most of the time it REALLY helps!

I think you need to talk to him. Mabye there is some agreement you both can come to. He only works (and makes calls) for an hour when he get's home, then he is all yours and the kids. It sounds like he needs a personal assistant!
Good Luck and God Bless!

Maybe you could just talk to him and ask him if he could set aside AT LEAST 30 minutes to talk to you and your kids about something other than his work. Or make it a rule in your house that you sit down and eat dinner together and he is not allowed to talk about his work-he needs to ask the kids how they are doing in school, etc.
I am not sure of his rank or his job, but every duty station we have been to, there has been a detachment roster and each person is only responsible for calling one other person, maybe two. But it is not used everyday!! (Only when something last minute comes up.)
Don't they have formation at the end of the day to discuss the next day's activities??
Remind him that even though the Army didn't assign you guys to him :) that you are a priority!

Wow, mostly the only thing I have to say is Thank You, Thank You, Thank You and your hussband. Me and my family truly regard the sacrifices that military families make as a gift and a blessing. My children would not have an America to live in if it were not for the soldiers. So again Thank You.

Now on to the sucky part. Your husband would not be the person that you love and respect if he were half committed and not so good at his job. Men identify their self worth with only a handful of things, work(is it looked up to and am I good at it), money(can they provide), wife(do other men find her attractive), kids(are they accomplished), toys(cars,bikes and such, do I seem cool), etc. Now all men do not place them in the same order or have the same list with these reasons. Sometimes the list and reasons are the same but skewed by opinion(ie. I am not attractive to other men but my husband thinks so, Ha, works for me).
So, for your husband, work is a big part of this evidently. You can't take that from him and if you succeeded he would change and you might not like the change or him.
All successful conversations between me and mine have to take place in a 'very calm, explainative, this is truly what I need and why, please can you help me out in this way', type of fashion or we just blow up at one another. Changes happen at a slothful pace and the same conversations have to be repeated often. Seems silly but I have not found another way. Just today I have to put the liner back in the trash can. This is one job he simply cannot do. He takes out the trash but that new liner must require a PhD. Ha Ha! I don't get it but its a trade I make. Mine does all his own cloths. My mom and MIL scolded me for that but oh well.

He does need to see that he is loosing time that cannot be regained with his own children. He will always have a new batch of soldiers to train but not kids.
Maybe get down and dirty. Don't involve him. Don't go to kid events and then let him see the video or pictures. Maybe he just missed out. Maybe let him come home to one of your kids playing catch with the dad next door. He needs a real good jolt of the reality of what he is missing. Just a thought though. I don't know your husband and wouldn't want any of this to backfire.
With mine one time he was looking at report cards and had a few questions about grades, attendance, tardies.(my kids make all A's, he was questioning the 90 and 91, seems crazy when you think about it). Anyway, I took the card from him and told him that he had no right to say anything about it. 'Your not the one who sits and helps with homework. You do not get them ready in the morning or drive them to school. You are uninvolved so you do not get to question and criticize.' He did not take this well. He got all testoterone filled and said he will always have the right to do whatever since he is head of the house. I replied with some version of if you are head of the house then why don't you know already. Oh well, back and forth, I am sure you know. But all said and done he now helps with homework some. He will help the little one read and actually does all the spelling test preps now. Opportunistic moments and small improvements. Thats all I can give you on that, except everything in our house improved when we started going to church together.
God Bless

I completely inderstand what you are going through! I have been in that same position no to long ago...i sat him down one night and told him how i felt. I tols him tha i understand that he has things that need to be done but that each night he needs to take a break and spend time with me and our son...an hour a night isn't going to hurt anything! and after that i would be more then happy to help with anything that he needs...also men vent to about their job but if it's all the time tell him when yall are spending time together to not talk about work all the time..help this helps... A.

I hear you. My husband coaches football and this is football season, so it's kind of like being a single mom. Talking through this with friends, we have decided, that men (boys...whatever) need simple, verbal instruction. Don't wait until you are so frustrated you explode, b/c then he won't be listening to what you are saying b/c of how you are saying it (although your point is still valid.)
For example: a pet peeve of mine is empty/wasted water bottles scattered around the house. So I thought the other day, "Maybe he doesn't know how many are wasted b/c I always pick them up and throw them away." So I decided to let them sit there on the table next to his recliner (and on our dresser and counter in the kitchen) until he threw them away. Well, that was two days and 7 water bottles ago and this morning I thought, "he's not getting it." So he was awake, but not up yet, so I said, with no attitude, "I need you to do something to help me out. Will you please pick up the water bottles, the bowls, and our daughter's candy bucket you've been eating from, that have been sitting on the table for two days now? I know you like the house nice and neat, but it would help if I didn't have to pick up after you." I could have left that last part off - but hey, I'm not perfect. He gave me knuckle and picked it up before he left.
Just remember, while we would love for them to notice something and take initiative, they just need to be told what what to do, lovingly...if possible.

I would talk to your husband about it. Calmly tell him that you and the kids feel left out and maybe he could call one or two soldiers and they could call the rest. And maybe you and the kids could start the conversation about your days and explain that they would not want to hear only about his stuff all the time.

I don't know exactly how you feel, but somewhat. I have been married for one year and have no children yet. But, my husband is a truck driver. He mostly comes home about everyother day. But when he comes home we only talk for a bit then he goes to bed and I either have to go to work, go to my mom's to do laundry, or I stay at home and do all the cleaning as quietly as possible. When he is on his 2 days off and actually takes the whole 2 days the first day he sleeps more than half the day then we go 60 miles to his mom and dads and stay there until late, then go another 5 miles into their town and hang out with his friends until at least 2am. Then go home and go to bed. Then I wake up to go to work then we go to my mom's until about 9 or so then we go home to bed. I don't feel like we spend enough time alone just the two of us. I am trying to get the courage to talk to him about it, I just don't like confritation but I do want more time with him. I really hope this will help you and is not too much rambling. God Bless!

Maybe he just needs to get settled into his new army role. and things will get a bit easier once he is in a regular routine. Have you told him how you feel? Maybe he doesn't realize that he is neglecting you and the kiddos! What will you do if he gets deployed? then you will be on your own with the kids. I think that you should discuss how you feel with him, and depending on the kids ages, maybe they should tell him how they feel too! he is missing out on his family, and he will regret that if he gets deployed. best of luck to you.

You didn't mention the ages of your children. Does either one of them type? If so, couldn't that one help with some of the typing? If not, turn some of the housework over to them. Give each one night a week to be in charge of the evening meal, planning, preparing and clean-up. Most importantly, have you discussed how you feel with him. Maybe he isn't aware of what he's doing. I can't understand why adult men have to be called each night and given the assignments for the next day. He should either make a weekly chart and stick to it, or spend the first few minutes of his shift advising them. Also, the two of you need to see a marriage counselor. I think the Army has them. If he has so much to do at home, he must not be using his time at work effectively. If he is to be a leader of men, he needs to learn to regulate and prioritize his time.
Good Luck.

Whiner no. But it does sound like he's not adjusted to the fast pace of that job yet. He might be overwhelmed and all his ranting and raving and working from home is his way of trying to hang on. I would suggest sitting down and talking to him. Finding out what you can do to help him get it under control so you can have more family time. Explain to him that his craziness is effecting your family life and tell him you want to HELP HIM find more time to be with you all. He obviously wants your help or he wouldn't be asking you for it in the small doses that he already is. I know it's more work for you but it might pay off in the end. He's only been at it a year and could either be still just as excited as the first day on the job or so overwhelmed, and not telling you that he can't see straight. If you've made it this long, 12 years with the man, then he knows your attitudes pretty well and I'm sure he's probably seen how you are feeling. Or at least has an idea but he may be too busy to try to fix your relationship right now. He might be putting it on the back burner and telling himself that you will be there when it all calms down at work. Good assumption but enough is enough. You need to step in and help him get it under control. Set some guidelines. The Army's full of them so it wouldn't be anything new. Don't expect him to jump into the housework right away but maybe start by putting the kids to bed on certain nights of the week. And dinner time is family dinner time only. That includes time for cooking and cleaning. He can spend time with the kids then. Small baby steps to get back on track might be the key here. We women always seem to be able to jump in both feet and get back on track fast but in my experience men need a little more time to adjust. Just the nature of the beast.

Good luck.

Hi there. I feel we have a lot in common, but don't really know what advice to give other than maybe marriage counseling to help him learn balance. My husband was recently given a very big promotion and while I am so proud of him, he seems a different person. He used to be laid back, letting work things roll off his shoulders, and when he got home, there was no more work or talk about it. Now, it's completley different. The client calls at 9 at night and is surprised that he has already left the office, also, he is addicted to his new Blackberry. He'll actually lay in bed and check E mails on it before turning out the light.
But, I am going to suggest counseling, b/c we have done it and it does help. See, when us wives make suggestions we are nagging and complaining, but when a therapist they respect makes the same dang suggestion, they are spot on and insightful. LOL.
I hate to in any way put negative light on your hubby, because his job is important to us all, especially these days. For a lot of us, our job helps to define who we are and for him that is the Army. No matter what is happening or how you decide to handle it, do me one favor. Pat him on the back (or a kiss on the cheek) for me and tell him Thank you and also, quietly Thank God that your children's father is not risking his life in Iraq! Things could always be worse right? I hope this has atleast helped you feel better, but do think about some counseling to help get you two back in a partnership and on the same page. Good luck!

Bless your heart! You're not being a whiner. He does need balance. Maybe you can give him a kiss when he walks in talking and let him know that you want some other type of conversation initially upon his arrival. Put together a schedule for it--ask him how much time he thinks he needs each evening to discuss the army and to address army needs; then put it on paper and hold him to it. Remind him that you and the kids needs his attention, too. I'm not sure of how the army works in this regard, but why does he have to call them at night? Can he give them the info (written?) before he leaves them in the evening? Request that he stay maybe one or two hours later at work, so he can come home more prepared to actually be there. My husband's not a military man, but I've had to literally take the remote control out of his hand and replace it with a diaper or a children's book...accompanied with a soft kiss and smile. Could this work with your husband? (I'm always trying to figure out a way to soften the blow, so I couple everything with a kiss. The alternative is that I just say nothing, and that is not an option.)

Why not sit him down one evening after supper and explain to him that you feel you and the kids get his leftovers. Make sure you explain to him that you appreciate his job and his dedication to doing a great job, but that the family is also a priority. Ask him where he thinks he could improve on that..it could be that he feels insecure about the job he is doing at work and tells you all that to make sure that someone knows he is doing good. Maybe he feels a little bit guilty about not being home as much, as well, and needs to validate what he is doing. Tell him you and the kids love him very much and want him to be there for the family. The kids are only going to be around for a finite amount, ask him if he has slowed down long enough from work to think about that. He needs to impact them in their lives even more than the guys at work.

you are stuck till he can get out . be clear that the army is not your job & he should not be so codependant on you for his job. Ask him about the good things that are happening to him when he annoys you. Be clear that the army is distancing him from the family & you want him to leave the 1st chance he has. He can get job training while he's in the army so he won't have to go back to construction.

Morning R.;

Wow, talk about GunHo!! You didn't give your husband's rank,
but, I will guess he's a sargent!
#1 The men in his squad more than likely hate being called
at night about the next day!!
Sooooo here's a solution that you might try!
Get all the names of his men and invite them and their wifes
if they are married to a weekend party. I'm hoping that out
of 9 or 12 men depending on the type of unit that at least
3 of them are married.
Now here is where the party factor plays to your advantage and maybe it will wake up Mr. GunHo!
Pass out pencils and paper to everyone and say your playing
a game. Please write down on the paper one thing you like
or dislike about the army! Do not sign you name!
Then you pass around with a hat and collect the papers, then start reading them, then one that you put in or even one of the other wives>>>>"I hate Sargent ______ calling my husband after hours and taking up our family time, would you please stop!"
Another one>>>"Army time is 7am till 6pm, don't bother us after 6pm unless we are in the field or in zone!"
If Mr. Gunho doesn't get the message, he apparently is pretty stupid!!
B. C.