Husband Starts Cleaning up Before the Guests Leave

I'm never offended and always offer to help clean up when I'm at someone's house. My mother used to complain about her grandmother, though, who used to sweep under the table while people were still seated and how it made them feel unwelcome. My sister does that, too, but she's very anal and everything in her house makes me feel unwelcome - she's fussy and fastidious and judgmental, so I'm constantly worried I'll mess something up. It makes visiting her uncomfortable. So in both of those cases, it was more about the personality and attitudes of the host, not the fact that they clean up at particular moment. If he is overall friendly and welcoming, it's fine. If it's a small part of a larger problem, it's a problem.

My BIL does this. It sends a clear message that he's ready for the party to be over. Their parties are always outside, and every time he starts grabbing the toys and balls away from the kids hands to put them away, we know he's had enough and it's time to go. So rude!

It sounds like there are a few problems. You don't actually want to entertain guests and then get upset when your husband begins cleaning because you're afraid he's being rude to those guests, essentially passively-aggressively telling them to leave.

If you don't want to entertain, tell your husband that and be firm. If you agree to entertain, then don't hold any grudges about it.

If he begins cleaning up and you are conversing with the guests, just say to them "Don't mind Mark cleaning up. He just needs to stay busy. One of these days I'll get him to relax with us for a bit longer!" Then continue your conversation.

I would try to not be overly concerned with what your DH does as far as "party manners" are concerned. I assume as a married couple there are bigger battles, and focusing on such small stuff can make you go crazy and make him feel persecuted.

It's normal to clean up a bit while guests are there. It can come off as a 'time to leave' message- but not if you laugh it off and joke about it or reassure the guests that its fine.
I got the feeling you're uncomfortable entertaining and when he does this- it puts you on the hostess hot seat. Like, it's your turn to be social and pleasant.
IMO, let it go. And relax- hosting people may be anxiety-inducing or foreign to someone who would "rather not put in the work"- but if you take a deep breath and let go of your reservations, you may actually have fun! Best of luck!

I had to laugh.. This is so my husband and I have learned to live with it. His mom does the same thing.. so if a person knows you well enough, they know it's a pattern... He'll clean , while I sit and talk with the guests and assure them the party isn't over . I've grown to appreciate my husband being so proactive.. There are many posts on here where I've read, my husband is lazy and doesn't help... I think I lucked out.. Same goes with his choice of clothing. I used to say, oh you have much nicer shirts or pants than those beat up old ones..... now.. I figure, if he's comfortable in specific clothes, what the heck am I to deny him comfort.. same goes with his wanting to clean up.. I figure it's anxiety and cleaning much help him..

I'm sort of wondering if your husband is cleaning up because you've made it clear you'd rather not have guests. You said it yourself "I am not the socializer and would rather not put in the work to have people over."

Guys tend to be fixers; he is trying to solve the problem of your not wanting to deal with the extra work. From my perspective, it seems like he is trying to make it easier for you. That's not a bad thing.

Most people I know don't take it as anything if someone does up a few dishes; in fact, I have friends who clean as they go and it's no big deal. You might consider the situation from a different perspective: he's heard you and wants to be considerate and you are being very critical of that. In our home, if either my husband or myself has a task they really don't want to do, we might hope the other will pitch in and help-- but we don't then get to gripe about *how* that other person did the work we didn't want to do in the first place.

Another thing to offer, and I'm not saying that this is the case, but sometimes when topics of conversation come up that I'd rather not be privy to or want to listen to, I might need to be busy somewhere else for a little bit. It's a way of removing myself without making it about me or making anyone else feel bad.

I see nothing wrong with what your husband does.
It beats having to deal with clean up the next day.
Our neighbors throw parties and everyone cleans as they go - guests help too.
Then they chat around the fire pit afterward.
Perhaps you're not familiar with it but around here picking up before the party is over is the norm.
So pitch in, hand the guests a few things to take to the sink or recycling, and keep on chatting while you do it.

I admit that I think that this is rude in front of the guests. Emptying the drink coolers? That DOES mean he's tired of the guests and wants them to leave.

You say you're not sure what you can do. Sorry, but I think the answer to this is easy. I'd tell him that you will not have company if he won't stop doing it. I really would. And remind him before the next company comes that if he does it again, it will the the LAST time you entertain company.

I hear what you are saying. This is not stacking dishes and putting away food, this is, closing shop, breaking it down, the stuff you do after your guests leave. The stuff you do when you want to send the message its time go go home. If it were me, I'd tell him that unless its family or really close friends, he will need to socialize with you and guests until they leave or you will not be so willing to host next time.

I'm laughing - because my husband does this, too. He's not going to change, either.

Such actions remind me of the restaurant we once visited - at which the waiters started cleaning up our table well before we had planned to leave. And yes, it WAS a hint for us to leave!

You might pass that little story on to your husband to see if he'll understand what you want. If he doesn't, just keep your sense of humor and let your guests know - out loud - that they're NOT being kicked out. Offer coffee and start a new topic of conversation.

We had a neighbor like this. But we were all such good friends, we knew he was just a person that needed to be doing something..

His wife used the line.. "Oh don't worry, if he is not busy doing something, he gets grumpy.". (He really did) He also smoked, so we were used to him disappearing to find a place to smoke away from everyone.. He is the only person that we know that smokes.

What is his response when you tell him, this is considered a signal that the party is over? Or a signal that the guests have overstayed their welcome?

If you have told him over and over and he still does this, I would just explain his actions to your guests.

I am sorry you do not enjoy entertaining. I feel like the more a person or couple entertain, the easier it becomes in the future. It is good for children to see how to entertain, to see that their parents have friends and have times that they do grown up things.

I agree with you. Picking up the dirty plates and stacking them in the sink, yes. Putting away that which must be refrigerated, yes. Emptying coolers, no. The end of the evening is when people have coffee or dessert or an after-dinner drink and enjoy the conversation. Housekeeping says, "It's time for work and not for the guests."

If your husband is not listening to your desire not to have to carry the ball socially all by yourself while he is bustling around, and if he's not listening to etiquette experts about what makes people feel they are welcome and that he is an excellent host, then it's time for you to either stop socializing or stop putting the work into the preparation, and tell him these engagements are no fun for you because you do all the work and then are left alone with the guests. If he really wants to do all the work up front (and maybe you can trade that for the clean-up, which you will do after they leave), then it's less on you.

Or you can say, with a great deal of charm, in front of him and the guests to please leave the clean-up until later on and let's enjoy our guests. Finally, you can say, if you must clean up dear, we'll all help you so that we can get back to socializing that much quicker. Sometimes really good friends enjoy time in the kitchen loading the dishwasher.

Otherwise, your problems will be over soon enough because no one will accept your husband's invitations anymore.

While as others say, he may be a guy who needs to be doing something -- to me, that's not an excuse. It's still rude and thoughtless; he is giving no thought to how his guests might interpret what he sees as reasonable and normal. The clunking and crashing of ice being dumped from coolers as I'm sitting there chatting with my hosts would absolutely make me feel like, "Whoa, well, I guess I've outstayed my welcome, time to go...."

What you describe is not the same as everyone getting up, everyone pitching in to put plates in the sink and throw away their own trash, etc. That usually gets followed by everyone then sitting around chatting and staying on for longer. But dumping coolers and tidying up overall is sending exactly the message you fear it is: "I'm done here, time to go."

I would talk with him about this immediately before your next event. Tell him that you get that he wants to avoid clean-up the next day, but seriously, how much clean-up is it to dump a cooler the next morning and not that night? Tell him that he may not realize that it could signal to HIS guests that he's ready for them to go. He may say, "No, it doesn't, they know they can stay," in which case: If he has a good guy friend you can talk to on the side, I'd ask his friend to mention this sometime. "Man, chill out about dumping the coolers or starting to wash the dishes! I feel like it's time for me to roll out when you start doing that." Frankly, some men will hear things from a guy friend that fall on deaf ears when a wife says it.

My friends often pick up dishes, food, and drinks we are through with while the rest of us continue to chat. Yes, it frequntly means the party is running down but not always. If one of us does this while the rest of us move to another location or even if everyone continues to stay seated and talk, this does not mean the party is running down. However if it's been some time since the start of the party it could mean the party is running down and will be over in an hour or so. If the host leaves and doesn't return the party is over.

I suggest it's really no big deal if your husband does this. His friends know him and experience will tell them what your husband means when he does this. No need to be embarrassed. If it seems awkward you can make a friendly comment to clarify what's expected. An example: "hubbie likes to clean up before he sits down."

I suggest that sitting and talking is not the only reason to invite people over. Perhaps he just feels good having them there. Perhaps entertaining is necessary for his job. Perhaps he wants to learn how to entertain.

You don't mention how the guests feel about this. Did they seem ok with this? Was your husband comfortable? Since they are his friends I would let him do whatever he wants to do with his friends. I urge the two of you to come to an agreement about parties. Find a compromise.

I suggest that what your husband does or does not do is not a reflection on you. I'm guessing you're embarrassed/uncomfortable because you're not comfortable in a social situation in your home. In time you will become more confident. A good way to look at this that works for many people is to fake it until you make it.

I also suggest that fighting with your husbad is one reason you are not comfortable. Learn first why you are not able to eempathize with your husband while you both find a way that works for both of you. If you and your husband could be open with each other in love you can find a way that will work. Sounds like you are trying to change what he does because you're sure he's wrong. I suggest that you are critical of him because you lack confidence the both of you can have a ssuccessful party. There is no right way to have a party. When you show an interest in your guests, provide some food and beverages. Act as if you're having a good time and they will too. When you're stressed about yiur husband you will dampen the happiness more than your husbands actions will.

I suggest that if you relax you may learn to like parties.

I would think it would be challenging if you aren't feeling like socializing and he leaves the table for a while to clean up. That puts a lot of pressure on you to keep the conversation going. I would be annoyed too. Maybe you can excuse yourself for a moment and start doing dishes with him. I bet he'd get the message then and get back out there to entertain.

When we were at a dinner party recently, the hostess did the same thing and my husband and I talked about it afterwards. We thought it was strange and then started questioning our friendship and even their marriage, since it seemed like she didn't have much concern for her husband. People do their own thing, but it's hard not to think certain behaviors are a bit odd.

If he cleans up to avoid talking to anyone, then I would not have the shindigs. If he moves a few things into the kitchen, maybe starts a load in the dishwasher and comes back, then I would just put him in the category of my friend's mom who cannot stand to see a cup laying around. The "joke" is that she makes more work for herself by cleaning cups immediately so you have to use more. I would ask him why he feels he has to do it right then, and wait for his answer. Be kind and open minded. Is it a "I want to be clean" thing or is it "I'm really done with this gig now, too, and want them to leave" thing? There are guests that stay for-ev-er without a hint to go home. Is that ever the case in your home?

I would also try to get him to see the difference in putting things in the fridge and emptying the coolers.

If you are an introvert, you probably feel incredibly drained after hosting, so if he's not going to co-host, then I wouldn't agree to the party. I'm an introvert in an extroverted family and sometimes I will say, "It's fine if the friends come over, but it's not my gig, so it's on you to entertain them, take lead on all the kids, etc." If nobody else is willing to herd cats, then it's not something I will agree to.

ETA: I would ask him to wait til later, like 8PM. I would also ask him if he "works" parties thinking you get a break or what. And then tell him that you'd rather he participate and relax. See if he can.

If you have expressed your discomfort and things have not changed, then I guess he is just oblivious to the guest and to your feelings.

He can see a problem, the things that need to be tidied, but can't see his behavior as a problem. He might be under the wrong impression that cleaning things up would make you more receptive to company rather than LESS receptive. Be clear. Set a certain time for him to wait for to start the clean up, like 11:00. Otherwise, the parties are going to stop, because they cause anxiety rather than relieve it.

once the meal has been finished, i think it's actually okay to do some tidying up. we had people over yesterday and a lot didn't leave until 11 (which was pretty late for me- i kinda wish there HAD been a way to hint 'shop closed!') so if i hadn't done a couple of loads of dishes and put the potluck food away and started organizing i'd have been up til dawn. maybe the difference is that we had a lot of people, so they entertained each other and i didn't feel as if i had to sit there and direct the conversations?
i suspect i'm rather like your husband- restless in social situations, and not really comfortable sitting and chatting for hours unless i can flit from group to group, and busy myself when i need a break from talking. maybe for him the party IS actually over?
i dunno. i should probably sit this question (and most social situations) out, as i'm gathering from both the question and the responses that i'm somewhat out of step with what's considered socially acceptable.
would it help if you set a time frame before your get-togethers so that he's got a feel for when it will end, and be willing to hold off on cleaning up until the magic hour strikes? if you frame your invitation 'we'd love to have you and X over for dinner and drinks next friday. would you be free from 6-10?', your guests won't feel hustled out the door if your dh starts emptying coolers at 10:15. maybe?
khairete
S.

I love this question...because my husband does the exact same thing. And I feel left to socialize alone.

He even does it at other peoples homes. Yes, at a BBQ last weekend, he left the table with his plate, and we all found him in the kitchen cleaning, parked right in front of the sink, rinsing and sorting and he was not budging.

It has irked me for years. But then I had an attitude adjustment, and realized, well, he's lightening the load.

I'm not sure what hostesses think about it though. How would you feel if an invited guest started helping out in the kitchen? I personally wouldn't like it, but because of my husband, it wouldn't bother me anymore. Some people just like to keep busy. And that's definitely my husband.

There are always guests who want to help in the kitchen. It's where they feel most comfortable or helpful or whatever it is they need to feel.

I'm 100% with your husband actually. I would prefer to tidy up as during a gathering. To me, it's more relax to sit and visit in a clean area. When it is messy, I can not relax. I get too stressed feeling like I have to clean up. Actually just yesterday we had such a gathering. After dinner was done, I had everything out of the way and cleaned up so that we could sit and relax. I would hate to be all relaxed only to have to change my mode and start cleaning once everything is over. Plus, I feel like if everything is cleaned up right away, people are more comfortable and there is no rush. Perhaps he is like me and just likes to get everything done so that the remainder of the night is more relaxing and so that everything is done.

Not my husband, but so many people I know spend their entire time in the kitchen or cleaning up it makes me wonder why they invited us. Then they shoo you away when you start to pick up a few things to throw out. I feel exactly the way you do. It's like it was a good idea to invite them but now its overwhelming and I want it to stop?
I have a sister in law who does this, INSISTS on having the party, INSISTS on invited everyone, then whines and moans and lives in the kitchen washing the dishes, putting them away, waaaaa, It's not fun. If it's just to tidy that's one thing, but if it's something else remind your husband next time he wants to invite someone of how he gets.
I just read this over, and I didn't understand at first. He dumps the ice out of the coolers and gets rid of beverages?
yikes

My husband Is like this, my nickname for him is "turbo". He was just raised to put things away so he does! Which I LOVE him for! We both try to put things away during our parties since it's a head start on the mess after everyone leaves. If he does it again in front of guests, I would just say, oh, he's getting a head start on cleanup but you guys don't have to leave now, and let us know if you need anything. (like if he's dumping ice chests and putting drinks in the fridge. I would be happy he's like this, so many women complain their hubbies never help out. Good luck!

Have you talked to him? Can you set a timeframe? Two hours is too short and 7:30 is too early for that kind of cleanup. I was curious to read answers bc we start cleaning up and people still stay! But I'm talking well after 9:00 which is kids' bedtime AND we started at 4:00. It's just too much sometimes. I am usually sick of talking by then and want to get the kids to bed and do real cleanup so I'm not up so late etc. We entertain a lot and sometimes we wonder why people don't leave! But get your husband to chill a little...

Next time you have guests over have someone that is pretty fun. When he starts doing this tell them when he does that to stand up and say "OH! We'll leave, sorry, we didn't know you were ready for us to leave".

Then they need to HURRY with the leaving and not say much. If hubby doesn't get it, that he offends people by doing this, then he's pretty darn dense. I'd tell him, if front of everyone, that he's acting like he wants everyone to leave, is that what he wants? Then he is on the spot. If he says "I thought the party was over" then you need to help him understand social cues.

He may fully be aware of what he is doing and not care. He may truly want them to leave. He may be totally unaware. If he doesn't get the idea when your next guests get up and hurriedly leave then he has no idea about how to socialize.

Maybe it's regional but around here at every party I've ever thrown or attended, tidying up is expected. If there's trash around after everyone is done, it's just nasty and uncomfortable and people think poorly of the hosts for not dealing with it. As a guest of family or a very close friend, I'll even help out. As a hostess I make sure that the clutter of dirty dishes, utensils, cups, napkins, is cleared away once it's certain that everyone is done.

I don't clear away stuff while people are still sitting and there's question about whether they're finished or not. My husband has done that, and I find THAT really rude so I've had to talk to him about it. A plate has to be clearly abandoned or the person has to state that they're done.

When it comes to coolers... if it's a majority of ice and needs a refill, you bet I'm doing to drain it so that I can add more ice. No one ever blinks an eye.

If we were in a restaurant it wouldn't even be an issue. As courses are finished, the restaurant clears everything. They replace ice and water as needed. It's all done for an enjoyable experience.

HOWEVER if your husband is doing it in order to avoid socializing and he's cleaning up things like putting drinks and chips away, putting desserts away, that can still be enjoyed, he needs some tutoring.

Yep. My husband has done this before. I can't remember what exactly it was that he started cleaning, but it was extremely awkward.

As well, my friends husband does it. One night we were at their house, sipping wine, and she made a comment about the lack of sex. He took her wine and dumped it down the drain and we very uncomfortably began to gather our belongings and child.