Husband Seems Distant Most the Time

Updated on June 27, 2011
A.I. asks from Bedminster, NJ
9 answers

My huaband works hard all day and isnt working on us when hes home. He is usually helping a friend, playing with his cell or talking on it, visiting with neighbors or friends, or watching tv and not even aknowledging me. lately he has been running anywhere from 20-60 minutes late from work. He always has an excuse like traffic, stopped to look at a car, was talking to work buddy in the parking lot. I know if u read this the first thing that comes to mind is hes cheatin. but i trust my husband. He is not that kind of man and in addition im pregnant with our first baby. The only thing that is fighting my trust and believeing in him is that he hasnt been satisfying my needs for a few weeks hes always tired or doing something else. I dont understand... Talking to him hasnt fixed any of it... I wonder if he really does care and mean the things he says.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

thank you for all the replies... I guess i never really looked at it as new daddy syndrome since this was a planned pregnancy. Still concerned alittle... I have come straight out and said "you never have time for me and i need some of your time for sex, talking, laughin, just being social with you" also told him "im feel lonely and very unhappy about how distant we have been". i have said all of this more than once and he thinks im nagging or its my hormones making me sad. I just cant get it threw his head it goes
in one ear, out the other. I hope this doesnt last long, my days are long and loney and all i want is for him to come home n act like im here and he needs me to talk to and much more including enjoying all changes my body is going through because of our little obe we have tried for 5 years to have.

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answers from Phoenix on

Just advice you can take it or leave it. :) Try to avoid the words YOU NEVER or YOU ALWAYS in place I would say I WOULD LIKE IT IF YOU... or IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME IF YOU.... He might be more receptive if it is more on a possitive.I have been through this and I changed my way of asking. Good Luck.

2 moms found this helpful

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answers from Shreveport on

I don't want to burst your bubble but the red flags are there. Just because you are pregnant with a planned child doesn't mean he wont cheat. There are lots of cases of guys cheating during planned pregnancies. Loads of women have said their husband would NEVER cheat...I know seen a few myself and even was friends with those same husbands. I even thought they would never cheat but I was proved wrong when they got caught.
I strongly suggest you go read on this site for a bit.
A small test to use on him is ask to play with his phone. Then look through his texts. If he hands over the phone easily then odds are he isn't cheating.
As for some saying an hour late doesnt give him room to does if he is cheating with someone he works with or someone close to his work.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

20 minutes late? What is the big deal here? My husband has a 60 minute or so range of when he comes home, it's not the exact same time every day - depends on whether a last minute emergency came up with a client, talking with a coworker, traffic, errand, etc. Are you being clingy? If so, he may be trying to escape from that. The first thing that came to my mind was not that he's cheating, but that's not out of the question, even if you are pregnant. Also, keep in mind that some men are a little freaked out about having sex with a pregnant woman. Are you sure he knows it's safe and desirable for you? Maybe take him along on a visit to your midwife or OB to discuss the topic of sex in pregnancy. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Facing fatherhood is a daunting experience for many men, even the ones who were totally on board with trying for a child. It suddenly becomes real in a new way, and some begin to wonder about lack of freedom and being buried in new responsibilities. He doesn't have the hormones circulating that you do, bringing warm feelings and a sense of wonder and connection with this new life.

He could be more or less terrified, and not feel that it's okay to express his feelings. It's not uncommon, for men and women in those circumstances, to look for 'coping' behaviors, anything that brings temporary distraction or relief. For some new daddies, they seem even MORE distant after the baby enters the world, because they really have never learned how to interact with a helpless infant.

Do all you can to let him know all the ways you appreciate him. Make a point of 'setting him free' every once in awhile – encouraging him to take some time off for himself. Find ways to include him in the baby's development, without making the next several months all about you and baby. You may seem more preoccupied to him, too, and he might be feeling like an extra wheel right now.

Talk to him about your needs – be careful NOT to complain about what you perceive he's doing wrong, only what YOU need that he can help supply. And don't forget to ask him about HIS needs – this part of the equation doesn't even occur to some pregnant women. Nature is making extraordinary demands on your feelings and your body, but he can't really know what that means (just as you couldn't know before you became pregnant). He can only feel and experience his own needs. That's just life.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

A man who is only an hour late home isn't cheating. He's just late home from work. He sounds like a very social guy and chatting with people on his way out on the way home is part of how he winds down. I know you want him to rush out the door and rush home to his family and have you be the only thing on his mind, but if you haven't told him how you're feeling about needing more attention and needing to spend more time together he's not going to come to that realization on his own. What do you mean when you say "talking to him?"

You have to be explicitly clear. "We need to spend more time together so after work we're going to _____. This weekend we're going to ____ because the house needs some repairs and the nursery needs some fixing up." Make the plans and tell him it's scheduled. Don't beat around the bush, say it straight out. Be explicit with what you want and need and expect from him because I'm telling you, without a playbook he's not going to know what to do.


answers from Chicago on

You are pregnant ... he has NO CLUE what to do right now ... cut him some slack, simmilar happened when I was preggers too! Plus I am in a mood where I am very distant from everyone right now. I am in a pissy mood that will lift once we are in our own space again, however distance is the only way to survive right now. We live with his parents and have been here for 18 mo almost when we were only planning on 6months.



answers from Harrisburg on

Sounds like a first dad syndrome. You have to express to him you need him to be there for you and explain what is going on with you and the pregnancy so he can be on the same page.

Men always think women "has it covered" because we do it so well!



answers from Dallas on

I agree with others, it's a first time dad thing. Well, actually my husband didn't go through this phase until I was preggers with our third child, I felt he didn't even want to be near me, he'd barely hug me and it was me who always initiated it. Bringing kids into the world is scary, sometimes you don't know what type of parent you are going to be or what roll to play in their lives if mom is nursing etc... I agree with others, just explain to him that your hormones are running high and you need him to be 'with' you not just 'in the vicinity'. It's a phase, it'll pass:)



answers from New York on

I think it's a good idea you visit the neighbors with him. Maybe even set up some card playing nights with them. He likes to help his friends, so maybe you could bring them some fun things to eat. Try playing video games with your hubby...He just sounds like that type since he's on the cell phonea lot. You've really got to find round about creative ways to get him off the cell phone. People get so addicted to texting and talking on cells, which isn't healthy. (Did you see the news? They found proof that cells can cause cancer.) I know pregancy can tire you out, but you really need to do stuff with hubby.

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