Husband "Secretly" Smoking

I had the same problem with my husband this year. he didn't lie to me about doing it (how could he deny it?). He did however lie about buying them and how much he was actually smoking. I just sat down with him "calmly" and "alone" and told him how I felt about it. I spoke about my concerns and how I felt betrayed. My daughter caught him once and completely broke down (She's eleven). Soon after I guess the guilt was eating away at him, and he went to the doctor and got put on welbutran to help him quit. he hasn't smoked in a month. We pray that he won't start again, and he is pretty confident that he is done. Good luck to you.

Hi Mommy DS, I feel your pain. When I saw the post, I had to respond. Only my husband "secretly" chews tobacco. I knew he "chewed" when we first met (13 years ago) but he supposedly quit. About 3 years ago I found a bag of chew in his work bag. I wrapped it up in a box with a pretty bow and inside I taped a sheet of paper to the bag of chew that said "We need to talk". I felt SO betrayed, I was devastated. I couldn't handle being lied to. We had 2 very young kids. Well we worked through it, he "quit" AGAIN. So this past June at my daughters 5th birthday party his brother let it slip that he's chewing (he had NO clue I didn't know) so I played it off like I knew. Later on I confronted my husband again, point blank asked him if he was still doing it. Of course he said, yes, off and on. Again...devastated. I love this man but I do NOT like being lied to or being made to look like some sort of fool. So now it's 6 months later. I don't know if he's doing it anymore or not. Personally, I hate it. But it's his life, his mouth and he can do what he wants. I'm sick of all the secrets. I give you credit for not going off on your husband. I don't know how you deal with it. I don't know how to deal with it, either. I'm interested to see what others have to say about it. Do people consider this blatent lying or just keeping a secret? Either way it makes me so mad! Good luck with your husband. I wish I had some good advice for you!!!!

I would put it that way, say I do not want to kiss an ashtray. So unless he stops then that is what it comes to. However, be open about it and understanding. Try to see why he picked up this bad habit. Explain your mom's situation. My father smoked for much of my growing up years. When I asked him when he was going to quit ( I was age 12), he said when they stop making cigarettes. Well, after a heartattack and triple bypass, he has been smoke free for 9 years!!!! Take him to a clinic, show him some bad lungs, read about people who have died. If he wants he can talk to my father who has to carry oxygen with him everywhere for the rest of his life!!! Good luck and be strong!

I also noticed you posted 2 questions about your husband changing. I would definitley talk to him about all this in a calm, concerned manner. He needs to realize that as fun or cool as it may seem to be buddy buddy with work guys (whether by smoking with them or going to Vegas) YOU are the one he chose to live with the rest of his life. Your feelings should mean more to him than any other aquaintance. If you feel it is direspectful for him to keep the smoking from you or wanting to go to Vegas he should NOT do them. I feel the same way with my hubby. He was smoking socially at work and I told him I didn't want him to do it anymore (I also grew up with my Mom smoking and can't stand the smell either) I felt kind of like he was lying to me in a way because he wasn't being upfront about it. As for Vegas I think that would just lead to trouble. You have to trust people (which I have a REALLY hard time doing) but why would he want to be away from you to go have fun? He should want to be there with you. It seems like maybe he needs some excitement/change in his life? Only you would really know. I really think you should tell him all about how you are feeling though! Good Luck!

I was a smoker for many years and I can't begin to tell you how difficult it was to quit. I'm having my 5 year anniversary for being totally smoke free next month and am seriously considering buying myself a piece of semi-expensive jewerly to celebrate it. :) Quitting smoking was one of the toughest things I ever did. Nicotine can create a terrible addiction. I'm not suggesting you don't have a right to your feelings because you absolutely do, but I just wanted to tell you firsthand that if he is really addicted, then it's possible the issue may end up being ongoing for at least a little awhile until he really makes up his mind to stop. I would keep on him. Keep talking about the importance of avoiding smoking for his health and his attractiveness but do it gently, lovingly, and firmly.

Buy him the nicotine gum or the patch and some pictures of destroyed lungs from smoking (only partially kidding). He'll know he's busted. Explain that your boys' health and your happiness is affected by his smoking--even if he's not doing it at home. My husband smoked until I got pregnant with our daughter and he stopped for her well being. He still chews the gum almost 2 years later, but I'd rather him do that than smoke. Good luck!

Before we got married, my husband secretly smoked too! I can totally relate to your situation. I confronted him about it all the time and he constantly denied it. The only time he admitted it was when I found the cigarettes and lighter in his car. Then he was busted! It actually happened twice. The last time I told him that he obviously was not going to quit because I wanted him too, so I told him whenever he was ready, he could quit. Well, he quit before we got married. He tried the gum and the lozenges. The lozenges ended up working for him. I don't know if this is really advice, but I just wanted to let you know I know how you are feeling!

To your two questions at the end, the most important is how do you get him to stop lying about it? You have to talk with him, openly, gently, but you cannot enable him to continue lying about it. I have a great mentor who loved to say, "there's no such thing as a touch of pregnancy". Translation - if are pregnant, you are pregnant. If you smoke, you are a smoker. Whether it's two packs a day or two cigarettes a week, you are a smoker. So first is stopping the cycle of letting him pretend he doesn't smoke.

Second is getting him to stop and I think a lot of others here have commented on that. Smoking is an addiction, especially so when it forces you to lie to those you love about what you're doing. I agree with someone who wrote sometimes it takes a shock, a horrible event or something to wake you up. I think the first step, however, is to get past the lying. Perhaps then you can get to the "WHY" of what he's doing and work towards a solution from there. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU! Tough topic but if you've been together for 10 years and 2 kids, you've been thru a lot, and you can get thru this, too!

I saw that you have two posts about your husband that mention changes in his personality. Maybe it is time to have a sit-down, heart-to-heart and talk about what changes you have noticed. It's a good idea to write down your thoughts beforehand and why these things bother you. Be cautious of using words like "always" or "never." I wish you lots of luck and hope it goes well.