Husband Refuses to Wor or Be "The Head of the House" - Katy,TX

Updated on September 05, 2009
T.M. asks from Katy, TX
4 answers

I have been married to my husband for coming up on 4 years, and for almost 2 years he has been out of work. He used to work for his father making pretty good money, but quit due to conflicts between him and his father. 1 year ago he went and got a DBA to start his own business, after i pleaded with him to get a job. I work for my father, and make enough money to pay 90% of our bills, and all he would really need is a part time job to pay the reast an put money into our savings. He refuses to get a job claiming that he can't find any or if he finds one he isn't qualified or there some reason he can't take the job. My father is wealthy and I have made a decision in my life not to live off of him, but to live on my own means, knowing that one day I will inherit a great deal of money. However, that is far off. Right now we are litterally living with only a $3000 end of month and is is dewending a little at a time. He does stuff here and there, but its nothing compared to a realiable job he could find. He has some many toys 2 cars, a motor cycle, dirt bike jet skiis... things we could sell to help out, but he refuses. He won't get counselling because he thinks that counselling in for people who can't help themselves, and he doesn't think he needs help. He tells me that if I force him to get a job or I cut him off I will make him resent ME. I am a christian woman raised in a good christian home, and even my parents who hate divorce are telling me to leave him. I have no idea how to approach this and I am not sure what to do. I am pretty sure that leaving him is best for me, but i love him very much and I believe he can do better, but he won't. HELP!

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answers from Houston on

If he refuses to get counseling - then go yourself. Both of you have to have the commitment to grow up and be self sufficient. He does not sound like he is interested in taking care of his family and making sure you both are moving towards that goal. You need the counseling as much as he does. I was in the same situation with my ex-husband and I found out that I was an enabler. I was enabling him to become a burden to not only our immediate family since we had three kids but also a burden to the community as a whole. People who are unwilling to help themselves much less their family are not committed to getting better. You have to make the first step and get outside help. It may not lead to a divorce but may lead to getting help for him at some point. Do NOT let him bully you by telling you that he may end up resenting you. You are ALREADY resenting him and his "inability" to get a job and become part of the family again.

Step out and get the counseling for yourself. You recognize the need to do it so move forward and keep going. Good luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from El Paso on

Hi. I knew someone in similar situation. She was heartbroken as a Christian that she ended up divorced. However, shortly thereafter, she met the most wonderful man who was everything the other one wasn't. She has often said that she's certain the Lord meant the second one to be her soulmate and she is certain the Lord introduced them. Anyway, I think sometimes we miss the messages God sends us, but I also believe wrongs can be righted through prayer and patience. Blessings to you in this situation whatever your decision is.



answers from Austin on

I think if you don't have children you should get out while the gettings good. After two years of not working, thats plenty of time. He is just taking advantage of you. Thats tough tho.
Good luck.



answers from Houston on

Don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like your husband has a case of the lazies. It may be that your husband thinks he can live off you rather than sharing in the household needs. If he continues to refuse to get a job or counseling, you may HAVE to find someone new. Sometimes you need to give him a push in that way. Just let him know that you will not be w/a man who refuses to get a job & help w/the bills, remind him how long it's been since he's had a long term job, then give him a time limit to get a job. If that time limit comes & he still hasn't gotten a steady job, then give him the boot! In my humble opinion, it sounds as if he's just expecting you to foot the bills since you come from a wealthy family he can mooch off you & then go crazy when you get your inheritance thinking that'll be 'his' money too. I'm not assuming anything, it's just a thought so please just take it as something to consider. It doesn't make you a bad person to be divorced so please don't feel that way. Good people get divorced everyday, it doesn't mean they're not decent, it just means they weren't right for each other. I think God wants us to be happy & sometimes we just marry the wrong people but don't realize it til late. No amount of urging & pushing is going to change your husband, he has to want to change himself which he may never do so you must do for yourself. Don't continue to be w/a moocher, I know several people married to moocher husbands & they refuse to work. They'd rather sit around watching tv, surf the internet or play video games rather than work coz it's easier to mooch. That sounds like what your husband has turned into. Please think of your needs & the fact that your husband may never change. He might but I've seen it personally that after YEARS my female relatives who married moochers are STILL footing all the bills & taking care of the kids too! For some reason they think they can't find 'better' husbands. Not true! Good luck!

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