Husband of 20 Yrs Leaving Me & Our 3 Kids for Another & Leaving the Country

Updated on July 04, 2011
C.W. asks from Millersville, MD
46 answers

It has been 3 days since he told me--1 since we told our girls--18,15 and 12. He is staying in our guest room because he says if he gets his own place that takes money away from what he can give us--and this will be easier on the kids. He promises he will continue to support us even after he moves to Nicaragua. He says he has been unhappy for a long time and has to do this for himself--and that it will be better for all of us in the long run. I suppose that is what all selfish amoral people having a mid-life crisis say?
The woman is someone he dated in high school and apparently her parents are well connected/embassy people or something in Nicaragua and can help him get a visa to work there (he is a Dentist). I am a nurse so I can bring in some money--but not nearly enough for all of our expenses.
I can hardly breathe whenever I think about our future--all I can do is try to be brave for my daughters sakes. I don't have many close friends at all--he was my best friend and we were kind of home bodies. My family just make me more upset asking" why I haven't thrown him out...why haven't I been to see a lawyer yet...why haven't I taken his name off the bank accounts and credit cards before he can run up a bunch of debt".
I want to believe him when he says he is so sorry, never meant to hurt me, still cares about me and the girls and will always take care of us financially. They say I am a fool to believe it and should try to get some legal way to block him from leaving the country because once he leaves I will be stuck with all our debt and no support.
I think i can't stop him and don't want to make this worse by alienating him.
My 12 year old is having a really hard time and it is breaking my heart. I want to do everything possible to make this awful situation less traumatic for all the kids.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

2 moms found this helpful

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So What Happened?

Thanks so much for all the good advice and kind words--- I will definitely be trying to see a lawyer on Monday... Unfortunately we have a lot more debt than assets--in fact we just sold our house that we were in for 10 years (a short sale so we made nothing) and signed a 2 year lease on a big rental house--he said "as long as it will make you happy we will take it"-- that was 2 months ago. On my birthday (he said he forgot when he made the reservation?) he flew to Nicaragua for a "vacation that he" just needed to take" That seemed VERY weird but I thought learning Spanish and going to a foreign country alone WAS his mid life crisis (apparently not!). He got back from the trip and said he was moving down there. Then told me about the other woman. Apparently this ex-girlfriend has a house in Nicaragua and has told him he could live there with her so there won't be much expenses down there for him--and therefore he will be able to send plenty of money back here for us since her family has said they can definitely help him get a job there. I asked how long this woman would be happy with him sending all this money back here?--he says she has enough money of her own that it will not be an issue and she is a mother and wants him to take care of his kids. I asked "what kind of a mother and woman sleeps with someone else's husband and takes a father away from his kids?"
He answered "who said we have slept together"-- and there was a credit card charge for a hotel room down there so who knows. He says he will come back and visit the kids often--who knows. Is there any way to legally stop him from leaving the country--and would that be in our best interest? I don't know. This is so crazy.
I know it feels good to write this and to read the posts from all of you---so thank you so much once again..

Featured Answers



answers from Oklahoma City on

There is no guarantee he won't get down there and just get dumped and stranded with no job or income. I think getting the financial aspect set out on paper is important as soon as possible.

I am sorry you are going through this. It stinks!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Richmond on

yeah, yeah, hes sorry. sorry, but,..if he was truly unhappy he should have said something sooner. tell him good riddance, dont let the door hit him on the way out.
K. h.

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answers from Dallas on

I think they make a good point that if he leaves the country, it's only on his word as to whether he will keep supporting you. I would see if there is something you can do to stop it unless you can support yourselves.

I'm sure he didn't really mean to fall in love with someone else...but he made the choices that got him there. AND he's making the choices to go to a different country for her (? am I understanding that right).

My mom's second husband just divorced her for an 18 year old that he met online. He is 56. Gross. He said all the sweetest things to my mom. He wants to be there and support her, and bla bla bla. He does do it, but he does it grudgingly now. I would expect the same from your hubby eventually. After he breaks away, it'll be easier for him to care less and less.

You're clearly a good person because your natural desire is to want to trust him regardless of everything he's done. I think you need to get it in writing from him that he will pay to support you guys. Get it notarized. Tell him you are going to talk to a lawyer to make sure you do things right for the kids (not in a threatening way...just to let him know that THEY are your concern). Plus, maybe you'll find out that you can stop him from leaving somehow or to ensure you get money from him while he's overseas.

This is all so bizarre. Why does he have to leave the country? Is that where the other woman is? Is he in trouble with the law?

My dad left when I was 19. It's been nearly 14 years, and I haven't seen him since. It was beyond devastating. We also found out he'd been living a double life and so he wasn't at all who we thought he was. I pray that's not the same thing for you...but part of me suspects that something more is going on.

I really feel for you and your children! Hang in there. Put your kids first and make sure you take the legal action NOW while you can and have your kids taken care of.

Oh, and while it's none of my business...please don't get remarried. Not that there is anything defective about you, but when my mom got remarried after my dad left, it was a nightmare (and they are now getting divorced, so it was all for nothing!). Your kids need to be your focus right now. They need all your love and attention and not to have it split between a new potential spouse. I'd wait to get remarried/date until after your youngest has moved out of the house. I know you weren't asking for that advice, but I mean it with all my heart! When my mom got remarried, it made a devastating situation all the worse because her new husband took her time and focus and we felt abandoned by both parents. I've also met so many other kids who have felt the same when their parents got remarried. It's a bad situation much too often.

My heart goes out to you. I dread ever going through anything like you are. I don't understand certain men (or women)...

7 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Seems like he was a man with a plan. Before you go to the attorney, make a list of all the questions you can think of and a list of all debts and assets.

Have you seen all the business books? Is it possible that he may be hiding assets?

If he's running from creditors and you can prove it, the courts probably could prevent him from leaving the country.

Your husband is promising all these things because he is so guilty. My heart goes out to all of you because nothing but time is going to help you and your children begin to heal.

I would see a lawyer and try to get his passport revoked until all the financial aspects of the separation/divorce can be resolved. I wouldn't worry about "alienating him" because he's not concerned about the emotional well being of you or your children no matter what he's promising. Talk is cheap, tell him he can go where ever he wants to go with whom ever he wants to be with, BUT he needs to get things in order before he goes for the sake of his family.

I am sorry you and your children are in so much pain. May God bless and give you the peace that only He can provide...especially during difficult times. You and your family will be in my prayers, including your troubled husband. Please be extra kind to yourself.


7 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

He is willing to LEAVE HIS CHILDREN, for a woman in another country...and who knows when he will decide to see them again!! I understand you're wanting to hold onto something, and wanting to believe him. His life with you since this affair has been a lie...everything. He will be in a country, where you CAN'T enforce child support. What if he doesn't send anything. Then your CHILDREN, who have no choice don't have their needs met. Yes, you need to see a lawyer. You need to see what can be done, to make sure sending support is enforced. You need to do this for your children, no matter how much you want to believe him. It doesn't mean you have to make any decisions right now, but you must at least talk to one. Get advice, see what they say...then make a decision.

He is abandoning your children and family. This is a person who's willing to simply leave his children behind. Why in the world would you believe him? YOU are not aliening him. HE is alienating himself, by leaving his family. HE is isolating himself.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on


I am so sorry this happened to you! What an awful way for your husband to hurt you and your kids! My suggestion is to go visit a lawyer TOMORROW and do this without ANYONE knowing. Go over your options and what you can legally do to block him from leaving the country. Don't believe a word he says.....actions speak louder than words!!!! Remember, protect yourself, your kids and thats it. Don't worry about him. He has dug a hole for himself, let him climb in it! You did nothing wrong and its not your fault. Get all the info that you can and make a plan for yourself and your kids. He needs to be held accountable for what he has done to you and your family. GL!


4 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Get a lawyer now and don't worry about trying to keep the peace, you need to fight to keep yourself financially protected. He might sound like he will support the girls but if he had their best interest in mind he wouldn't be leaving the country and breaking their family apart. I could be wrong (but I from central America) but he will not be making the same amount of money there as he is here. There is a reason some people travel to foreign countries for dental/medical procedures, cause it's so much cheaper. Get you and the girls some counseling too, and maybe meet with a financial planner so you can live well on your income. I am so sorry for your situation, a big hug.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

I'd immediately take him off all the joint accounts - or take YOURSELF off them. But first I'd take everything from the cash accounts out and put only into your name.

Your family is correct - once he leaves the country there will be no way to enforce child support or any other type of court order regarding debt.

Take yourself off of ALL the credit card accounts and start one or two in your name only... I already mentioned what to do with the cash accounts.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Girl, get a lawyer NOW! I'm a mom to 3 and getting ready to divorce and no matter what they say, they always change - he'll want to keep whatever money he can and WILL screw you guys over. Especially with a new woman in the picture! PLEASE get a lawyer! And do take him off the cards, etc. I wouldn't kick him out b/c he may react in a bad way and try to screw you - at least now you'll have some time to protect yourself before he leaves. Seriously, if you don't do it for you, do it for the kids.

{{{HUGS}}} I'm sorry you're going through this.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I would get a lawyer and not try to play Ms. Nice Gal. I would file for child support (knowing that if he skips the country he may reneg and be unable to be enforced, but at least it's said) and get a visitation schedule so something is on paper,even if he never uses it. Don't let him float in willy nilly. Maybe a clause that he needs to ask you a week in advance if his proposed time, if not on the schedule, is going to work.

I would get yourself and the girls in counseling. This is devastating and you need support. Your family doesn't understand you are in shock. Hang in there. Put yourself and your girls first. He's put himself first, so don't worry about him.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

Oh honey, I am soooo very sorry.

I just want to say, you have to protect your children now. Go Monday and take everything from the cash accounts. Don't worry about being fair, he hasn't thought once about your family when he mad this decision. After you remove the money, take your name off of the account or close it completely. This should not be a problem (my sister just went through something similar). Get your name off of those cards and open 2 new ones while you can still use his income to your advantage. If you don't think you can handle the rent on your own, go talk to the landlord. He/she may be sympathetic to your situation and let you out of the lease or at least reduce it to 1 year instead of 2.

The best way to make this less traumatic for the kids is to ensure your/their financial stability. That way you can deal with emotions only and not have the added stress of wondering how you will provide for your new family unit.

Again, I'm very sorry. I can only imagine the pain you're in. Seek comfort/support here anytime you need.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I'm so sorry.

I agree, see a lawyer, and get control of all the money, fast. I seriously doubt he will kidnap the kids, first of all because they are big and it would be very difficult to kidnap three teens and get them all on an airplane and take them to Nicaragua, they'd just say "hell no" (plus they need visas); and secondly because he has a new chick, and kids would get in the way.

You need to protect your money. Now. Don't trust this guy as far as you can throw him. Oh, he's going to send you money from Nicaragua, is he? What a great guy. How caring of him. Yeah, right.

Selfish and amoral are kind words compared to the string of things I'd like to say to him. I'm so sorry for your poor girls.

Listen to Shane.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

We will pray for you and fast for your children. Please listen to these wise women giving you advise. Protect your kids. God loves you. Pray for strength and wisdom.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Tucson on

First off I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been going through a similar situation for the last 3 months or so. I was preganant when i found out. He has since left and said he would support us (me, 3 kids). That didnt last long and i had to get temporary orders for alimony and child support. It takes a long time to get a divorce, but go get a good lawyer and file. Pay all the fees and just do it. Don't try to do anything by yourself. I don't think think there is anything you can do about him leaving.
I'm sorry for your kids, mine have been having an awful time too.
Don't trust him, he has been lying to you!
I know in the beginning you just hope everything can be the way it was, but you know deep down that it just isnt so.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through and what you will go through. Its not fun. If you need anything or just want to talk inbox me.
Just thought of one more thing i wish i would have done. I trusted my ex too.
Take half of your savings account and all of your joint checking account and put in it a new acount with only your name on it. My ex wiped out our bank account. I had no money for food for 2 months. I had to rely on famil as i am a sahm and was very pregnant. Its perfectly legal. My lawyer told me to do it and i didnt listen. So do it now, before he does it. Take a credit card and put the lawyers retainer fee on it. Usually between $2500 and $5000. Then close out all joint credit cards and bank accounts. Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Nashville on

I am so sorry. I just could not imagine what you are going through. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I think for now you are doing the right thing with him being in the guest room. Your children need some time ot let this sink in. YOU need time to let this sink in. I do think that he wants to be there for you financially and I do think that he will stand by this. BUT, I think that you need to sit down with him and tell him that he cannot leave the country until the divorce is final. Until you go to court and the judge knows that he wants to leave the country. Not until the judge awards you financial support. Then your attorney needs to find out what happens if he does not pay since he will be out of the country. maybe he signs the house over to you? maybe he gives you a lot of cash, like his IRA, etc

Was he acting different? have you always had a good relationship or was he always quiet, or not able to get close? Did you feel it was the best marriage? The love of your life?

You are not a fool but you do need to know that he is leaving. You do not need to fool yourself that he might decide to stay or come back to you. You really need to believe him when he says he has not been happy for awhile. Now, he could get there and not be happ"ier" and come back but chances are, he will not and you need to know that. Do not have hope that he will change his mind.

You do not want to alienate him or make it worse but you do not want to be a pushover either. he has given you his decision and you need to accept it and move on. Your 12 year old might need counseling. Sometimes children end up taking out their heartbreak or issues in different ways and that could be acting out, etc My sister was 14 when my parents divorced and immediately started dating and hanging in a not so good crowd and was prego by 18. My brother started doing drugs. I was 21 and already had gone off to college. It is heartbreaking and you need to be strong for those children. You need to cry at night and get counseling yourself. Do not be ashamed, counseling is good for everyone, talking it out, letting someone hear you. You need a good friend, I am sorry you don't have one or think that you do. You would be surprised who your friends really are or who they can become once they know you need them. Sometimes an aquaintance can become a really close friend.

Please message me if you need someone to talk to. I am so, so sorry for you. But you must know, it will all be ok. If this marriage was not meant to be, there will be someone else. You will fall in love again and someone will love you unconditionally.

Good luck to you,


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answers from Dallas on

I would get a lawyer right away. You need to protect yourself.

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answers from Los Angeles on

First things first, STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW HE FEELS, HOW HE CLAIMS TO BE SORRY, AND SO ON..... HE IS ****SELFISH**** He could care less about your welfare and the kid's welfare. He is looking out for numero uno!!!!! And as long as he keeps putting the butter on your pancakes, you are giving him the time and opportunity to ESCAPE without responsibilities and obligations to care for his children once he RUNS AWAY from his responsibilities. Mid life crisis is and always has been a cop-out!!!!! Face reality, he is not loyal he is is SELF-SeRVING. Just think about what you've already shared: The woman seems to come from established family. They can help get him a job. He is going to move into HER house and make sending you money easier. Baloney!!!! This guy sounds like a user an opportunist who got tired of carrying the weight around the house. He wants out because he wants to focus on himself.

That being said YOU NEED TO THINK AND ACT WITH NO REGRETS!!!!!! LOOK AT YOUR CHILDREN AND DO IT FOR YOURSELF AND THEM. Your husband is no longer a factor in the game of survival because that is your new predicament. Survival! Contact a lawyer asap. Be calm, put the facts out there and be clear why you want to prevent him from leaving the country and hopefully it's not to keep him from moving on with his cashcow. Let him go if he wants to go but not before you square away business and he understands you are not playing games. Your children deserve better and so do you.

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answers from Dallas on

My heart is just breaking for you. What an incredible shock, I cannot begin to imagine. It sounds like your family is hurting for you and angry on your behalf and feeling unable to do anything. I would want you to protect yourself as much as you can as well, and I think their wanting so badly to DO something is coming off as harsh criticism with the questions about his moving out and the bank accounts et al. I just can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

Their advice is sound though (but you are NOT a fool! How on earth do they expect anyone to take the news you've just gotten?!), I'd advise you to at the very minimum speak to a family law attorney to protect yourself. You never thought in a million years that he would do something like this, so his reassurances to take care of you all financially doesn't hold much weight I am so, so sorry to say.
If there is a good bit of debt, or even anything that would be crippling for you to handle on your own, you've got to be proactive in protecting yourself. It sucks. It's totally unfair that you've got to think about financial stuff and lawyer-ing up against the man you love. Sadly though, that's the reality of the situation. I can 100% understand wanting to 'keep things simple' for the sake of the girls, and what a selfless thing to do on your part. My momma-heart is bleeding for your momma-heart.

As for where he is living, that isn't anyone's business but yours. Are you okay with him staying there (I mean, as okay as you can be. Of course you are not 'okay')? If so, and it seems to work for you and the girls, then let it be. Plus, he deserves to see his kids crying and upset over this. He is acting like a child and absolutely should see the real effects of his actions.

There is no rule book for handling this, no right and wrong way. If only it were that simple! Any way you are managing to deal with this that doesn't involve drugs, (regular) alcohol or letting yourself and/or your kids get walked all over is good. You are still standing, still breathing and still moving forward. Look at how strong you are. I am so, so incredibly sorry that you and your girls are hurting. You're going to make it. One hour at a time, one day at a time. Keep strong.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Amarillo on

It's time to take the white gloves off and put the boxing gloves on. Seek an attorney and ask all the questions you need to protect you and your girls. Also take half the money out of the joint account(s) - checking/savings - and put it in a separate account with your name only. Take your name off of credit cards and open one with your name on it. Draft up letters to send to creditors about pending divorce and hold on to them for about two weeks. If things are still this way then send them off.

In your hour of pain you need to stay strong and think clearly. After the divorce you will have time to fall apart and regroup. Right now you are in the "fight or flight" mode and you must fight.

Do take care of yourself - physically, spiritually and emotionally - so that you can show your girls that mom can do it and come out smelling like roses and hold her head up high and move on.

My best to you and your future. It can be done. You will definitely be a different person for having gone through the fire.

The other S.

PS Get in a support group so that you don't become bitter toward the world.
Because once he leaves the country he is gone and if he should come back you wouldn't want him back for what he has done. There is no guarantee that he wouldn't do it again and you don't want that.

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answers from Atlanta on

From what I've seen, there are no amicable divorces that involve children, assets and debit. It may start out with amicable intentions, but once the divorce gets to deciding the details, it turns ugly... Each party manuevers to protect their best interests (usually that equates to the person's most advantageous financial position).

He might say he'll keep supporting you, but it's highly unlikely once reality sets in. He'll face a different cost of living in South America, and probably won't be making anywhere around the same income as in the U.S. So, even if he sends you 50% of his income, that probably won't be anywhere around what 50% of his previous U.S. income was.

Sounds like you could divorce him for abandonment, although it depends on whether your home state is a fault or no-fault divorce state.

You should talk to an attorney, perhaps both a divorce attorney and a debt attorney--because you need to understand what you are facing in regard to your marital debt and his debt from his dentistry practice--AND WHAT ABOUT TAXES OWED TO THE IRS?! Will you be responsible for his business' taxes and your marital taxes? Were you current in your tax filings and what about his bussiness taxes? What about just 2011, can you pay this year's taxes by yourself? My friend's husband died and then she found out (from an IRS letter/audit) that he wasn't exactly current in declaring/paying his business taxes... And she was his wife--they expected someone to pay it. Yikes!

You may need to divorce simply to protect yourself from the debt and tax ramifications, especially in regard to debt or creditor claims from his practice.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

It hurt me reading this as a mother and my heart is breaking for you and your daughters. Your family means well, they are just going about it the wrong way. Trust me, I have the same problem with mine.

Unfortunately, there isn't much I can give you in the way of advice but I will tell you to please speak to a family lawyer and discuss the situation. I know you are trying to keep things simple for the kids sake but it is for their sake that you need to protect yourself and your assets. A man willing to break up a family 20 years later for a new woman is not someone I would trust in the least.

If he is still helping you financially, let him stay in the guest room and that's your business and yours alone. I would also suggest that you find some sort of group where you can go and just talk to other people. It really helps having someone to talk to and unfortunately it seems like you won't find that with your family at the moment.

I truly wish you and your daughters all the best.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Providence on

Get a lawyer asap!!!! The sooner you get things going the less likely you willbe responsible for any more debt he gets! Keep a journal of everything times dates, things he says or does pictures of anything that may help you in court! Most importantly stay strong ! Fight for what you and your kids deserve!

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answers from Dallas on

Wow!! That is the first thing I said to myself when I read your post. I am praying for you and your girls. I have a little advice for you an I hope it helps.

When I was 11 yrs old my parents divorced and even tho my parents were there physically they were not there mentally or emotionally. -- Make sure you listen. You can learn a lot from your girls on how they are feeling about the whole thing and how you can help just by listining to them express themselves.

Also the way I feel about the money thing and him going to Nicaragua is that I know he said he will always take care of you and the girls but think about this once he walks out that door YOU are completley responsible for your family, expenses, and the well being of your children. That being said my advice is not to go to a lawyer and take him to court and strip him of everything he is worth and then some. MY ADVICE is to make sure your girls and yourself are going to be taken care of financially . Do whatever you need to do so that you feel confident when he crosses that border you know in your heart your family will be okay because once he leaves there is no way you have any controll . well without using the authories and lawyers etc, (that will just be a big mess)
Remember your children are watching every move you make and you want them to see you making positive moves.. They will remember everything even when they have their own families. An you want them to remember you as being the strong mother they needed and a mature adult. There were a lot of things that both of my parents did in their divorce that I am ashamed of them for.Even now I cannot believe the things they did just to get back at each other.

I am sorry this seems like a novel but in summary.
Listen !!! They will tell you everything you need to know.
Expenses- Have no doubt they are taken care of
Strong Mature Momma- They need that more than ever right now.

I know how it is to be that little girl with your family falling apart. :( I still have a hard time with it and I am married with two kids.

P.S -- My husband is from Nicaragua so if you ever need me to go there and kick his butt I would gladly do it. :)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

dear i am so sorry he did this to you. i don't want to make you feel worse by echoing your family's thoughts - but you have ZERO reason to try to protect him or any sense of "friendly" relationship at this point. your one and only priority should be looking after your children - which he IS NOT AT ALL. don't let him try to convince you of that. people who love their families don't do this. yes i can see if he is miserable, people get divorces all the time. but to desert his kids? HELL NO. so yes, start protecting yourself. get into mama bear mode and get busy - it will help distract you from the heartache as well, to be busy. if he never meant to hurt you then what did he think would happen? count on it honey, he MEANT to put himself above everyone else, including your kids. therefore YOU have to put your kids first. HE. IS. NOT.

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answers from Houston on

AHH, what an eejit, I don't know what else to say, but what a hateful thing to do.
Find a woman lawyer, they are more likely to have some idea of what you are going through.
Luckily being a nurse, you can bring in enough money to keep you in some style, you may have to downsize, but as long as you are all together (minus eejit) you will be fine.
Just take thing one step at a time - the first step being the lawyer, tomorrow!

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answers from Asheville on

Oh Honey, I wish we lived closer. I have twins that just turned 3, and their Daddy has been addicted to pain pills for the last two years. (We have been together for 13, married for 4) This past monday in a fit of rage because I went to go find some shoes to fit my girls instead of letting him go get high, he struck me on the side of my head. (yes I called the law and he was arrested) Anyway, I can certainly feel your heartache even though our situations are different. If we lived closer we could start our own support system, but if you want, we can still do it through Mamapedia. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk. BTW my aunt is a lawyer and works pro-bono in domestic cases. She is in Chevy Chase, MD if that's anywhere near, I could pm her name.

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answers from Washington DC on

I am so sorry to hear this. I know this would be hard enough on you alone, but when momma bird is protecting her own, she barely has time to deal with her own thoughts and feelings about the whole thing. Take a minute for yourself.

I really don't have much advice other than to tell you that your fellow mom's and wives are thinking of you and your girls, but have confidence that you will make it through this, and you and your girls will be bonded tightly.

You seem very kind and gentle, so I don't want you to think that some of the advice given is harsh..... your friends want you to be protected.

I would >>absolutely<< go and take his name off of the bank accounts, savings, etc.

Other assets are one thing, but if he takes the money that you have... you won't have any!

I don't know about all of the legal stuff with leaving the country. As caring as he may have seemed, he is thinking selfishly now, and you need to be proactive. You do not want to be left with nothing.

I do think that you should find a competent lawyer, even just to walk you through this. Luckily it sounds like you will not have a custody battle on your hands.

I really wish all of the best for you!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

From my hubs: "cut his brake lines and collect the insurance."

Sorry - I am so torn between being heartbroken for you and your girls and raging mad at the degree of utter selfishness of your husband. I can't imagine how you must feel and I will be remembering you all in my prayers.

I second the "see a lawyer" advice. I can't tell you what your rights are in terms of stopping his leaving, but the lawyer would know what the options are there. A dear friend of mine was left by her fiancee when she was pregnant - he skipped out of the country - and not only did she never see a dime of child support, but there was nothing she could do about it. Yes, there are many differences between her and your situation, but you definitely don't want anything like this happening.

Tell him to get out of your house. You don't want his selfish, arrogant, lying stench around your kids. You'll get your money in the settlement. It's not worth living in a toxic situation. I can't believe he has the gall to look you all in the face.

Sweetie, you're saying you want to believe what he tells you, but the fact is HE HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU. And for how long?! What foundation of trust is there? He is willfully decimating his family and you care a WHIT for what he thinks?! Assume the role and mindset of sole provider for your children - and don't believe him, don't make decisions based on what he says/thinks, and go for the jugular so you can protect and provide for your family.

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answers from New York on

honey, get a lawyer. at this point, his word is worth nada.
so sorry you're going through this. but you need a lawyer to get ball rolling, because once he is out and you don't have an 'agreement' a divorce 'decree; you're pretty much out of luck. throw him out of the house, and get a lawyer please.

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answers from Chicago on

Proceed like what I'm about to say doesn't happen...but he's going to get down there, and in about 3 months when the novelty of being with her again wears off, and they start fighting about little things, and he realizes how good he had're going to hear from him. And I bet he wants to come back. I see it time and time again.

Anyway he's obviously being an immature idiot and you should definitely try to change over any and all remaining finances to yourself...leave the credit cards in both names as long as you don't think he will charge up and run so that you don't solely own the debt. And speak to a lawyer asap to understand what course of action regarding your finances will protect you and the girls best.

So sorry for this, you deserve so much better.

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answers from Dover on

I wish i had some experienced advice for you but can only say that my heart aches for you . . . I would not know what to do either. . . you sound like such a kind person without a mean bone in your body! However, I do think you should see a lawyer and find out if you'll have any way of enforcing child support while he is gone from the country . . . just to protect yourself and your child. NO ONE could blame you for doing so. CLearly he is not the person he presented himself to be and there are new rules to the game now.
A lawyer will look out for you - you need that while you are reeling from the news. THere is a great website for getting a marital lawyer - I wish I coudl remember what it is - I had to consult one a few years ago. Best of luck to you and your children and protect yourself!!

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answers from Syracuse on

Well Hello,

Ummmm...WAKE up and snap out of it!.. Contact an attorney immediately and file at least legal separation papers and child support and custody agreement. Once he leaves you are going to hate yourself for screwing yourself and your kids. And he will probably get dumped and will want to come crawling back anyway. DO NOT tell him what you are are owed at least 50% of everything depending on what state you live in. Your marriage can be saved by following a couple of tips. Go get your hair nails and toes done...wear some different clothes and act as if you are all that and a bag of chips...because you are...he is being stupid and it is time you freshen things up and make yourself very irresistable and he will wonder what the hell is up and may just change his mind and realize what he is losing. You will be stuck with everything if he leaves the country. So stop boo hooing...been there done that more than once and after 20 years? He is looking for you to do something so he can change his mind. If he REALLY wanted a breakup he would have left you already and bailed on the whole deal without a word. Be smart. He is a man. He isnt that smart. If you do not speak to an really have no right to complain... call 2 or 3 asap...preferably a female...even if you stay together and eventually work it out...she will make sure your rights and the kids will be protected. Out of the country...he will be out of his element and wont know what the hell is going on and just out of pride and ego he will not admit he was wrong. The next 20 years can be better than the first 20. Take your emotions out of the equation and think like a winner...not a loser! You have 3 kids watching you.

Sorry if I seem harsh,

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answers from Richmond on

My father and mother split when I was 3 and my brother 7. They divorced a year later and he was ordered to pay child support and alimony. We never saw a penny. He moved to France and the US government couldn't touch him. You are out of luck with getting $ from him once he is in another country. I would take every penny you can get your hands on now and stash it away somewhere - put it under a parent's name or someone you trust. If he asks, tell him you spent it on bills or put some away for the 18 yo to go to college - anything to keep the peace (on the off chance he will send some $, you don't want to rock the boat more than you have to). In the meantime, use a joint credit card to pay anything you can - lawyer fees (you definitely need a lawyer right now!), rent, etc. Once he is gone and it's all over, file bankruptcy and start anew. I'm not trying to be devious, just realistic. Good luck - stay strong!

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answers from Santa Fe on

That's awful. Truly awful. My aunt had this happen to her about 5 years ago. My uncle who everyone thought was such a wonderful family man left her for another woman from New Zealand and he moved there. Their 3 kids are a tiny bit older than yours, but not much. It has been so hard on the kids (and my aunt) but I can honestly say they have all moved on now and are all doing so great. You will too. You and the kids should get counseling. This is really important for your kids to do this. One of my cousins blamed his mom (who is incredibly wonderful). The other two had a LOT of anger towards their dad they had to work through. And of course you must get a lawyer asap!!!!! Your husband still has to support you guys and this needs to be handled by lawyers and all done legally so he cannot back out down the road. Your kids will need money for college, etc. When I was young my parents divorced and my mom did not get a lawyer bc my dad threatened to take us kids away. After paying a tiny bit of child support for a couple years he stopped all together. It was very hard on my mom. Now my dad has selective amnesia and tells other people how he supported us and put us through college which is a huge fat lie. But it is strange - he actually believes it. My heart goes out to you. Treat yourself right. Do something you have always wanted to do. Rely on your good friends. You will get through this.

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answers from Washington DC on


I would get a lawyer to make sure it's all in writing.....

It's really early for me - so I will not say much - but I'll most likely come back and edit...


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answers from Houston on

This is the kind of thing that makes me just want to hug my husband til he cant breathe!. Im so sorry, i cant offer anything other than my wishing you well, get a lawyer and focus on those little and not-so little girls.

god bless

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answers from Dallas on

Lots of thoughts and prayers coming your way!

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answers from Houston on

I don't think you are wrong at all to have him in the guest room, this all just happened, you and your children are all in shock I am sure. But I do agree about a lawyer asap, mainly bc of the leaving the country biz. Sounds like a really convenient way to leave behind all responsibility. I am very sorry, this is so devastating, hang in there, my heart goes out to you and your girls....

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answers from Albany on

1.) Get a good attorney. Use joint accounts, credit cards to pay the retainer.

2.) Prepare yourself for how you're going to feel/react when he gets 'over it' and wants to come back home with you and the kids.

3.) Start thinking in terms of what's best for YOU AND THE KIDS, which may very well be NOT what's best for him (especially with regards to money).

And I hope you go from heartbroken to MAD very soon, like now.


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answers from Boise on

C., I went thru a similar situation last year. After 12 years of marriage, he told me he was unhappy, and that his relationship with his high school friend in NY was simply platonic. But he drove to NY from VA every weekend, alone? Hours of late-night phone calls every night?
He stayed in the basement for 8 months, so he could contribute to half of the mortgage, and be close to our 2 daughters.
I moved out after 8 months, with my 2 daughters, for my sanity, and for my girls.
Please.. please.. get a lawyer. I realize it might be the last thing on your mind. But it was the advice that my friends gave, and on hindsight, it was the best advice. No matter how much/little of assets you and your husband have, they need to be discussed and listed in the separation agreement. Including your debt, child visitation, child support, insurance, etc.
I wish with all my heart that you and your children would not have to go thru this. May God help you and your family.

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answers from Green Bay on

I have to agree with Kelley W. I think if he really wanted to leave you then he wouldn't have told you and stayed in the house while he is getting his affairs together. He is checking for your reaction. Best advise? Act like this is no big deal. Go get your hair and nails done. See a lawyer and file for divorce. (you have 6 months to change your mind). Then I want you to go out on a date. There are tons of guys out there on the internet who would love to go out on a date. Just the fact that you are looking is going to send him a message. If he says something about it, just calmly let him know that you have been unhappy as well, and you are looking at this as an opportunity to get out of this rut.

From his perspective, he is going to live with a sugar momma and won't have to worry about all the responsibility he has been saddled with all this time. If things don't work out, he isn't burning any bridges and can always come back. You are sending him the message that he may not have you on the back burner like he thought. Your also letting him know that you are also tired of being seen as a role rather than a person.

What I "hear" is him saying, I will still be a "provider" but I need to be more than that. Let him know that you need more than that too.

Good luck!



answers from Washington DC on

For starters, let me just say I am so sorry for your divorce. I know it must be difficult for you and your family. It is not easy to be ending a marriage after 20 years. I admire your strength. Continue to be strong for your children, they are going to need you in the coming days , weeks , months and years.
I can understand your apprehension about this situation. Your feelings are valid. He could just be saying that he is going to continue to take care of you all. I do think that he is taking advantage of the situation by staying in your guest room, and saying that if he left, he wouldn't be able to provide for you and your girls well. I think that is a red flag for things to come. If he can't do the right thing right now, what makes you think that he will do it, when he is living a world away, and with another wife , that he has to provide for. I think ultimately, you should go with your instincts. If your instincts tell you something is not right, you should go with it. I think that for starters, you should give him a deadline on how long you are going to continue to live in the current situation. Maybe something like 30-60 days, he has to be out and in his own apartment. Remember, he is the one that decided to leave the marriage. In the meantime, seek legal counsel, about possibly getting his promises to take care of you and your children financially, on paper, and legalized. That way , you have the backing of the court, just in case he decides to not live up to his end of the bargain. It is not fair that you and your children should suffer, because of his decisions. I hope that this is helpful to you. I know you don't want to "rock the boat", it is already unsteady, you don' t want to capsize the boat. But I really feel that he is taking advantage of this situation , by remaining in your house. It seems to me that he may be manipulating the situation a bit. Anyway, good luck , you and your family are in my prayers. Good luck and God bless.



answers from Phoenix on

BLESS you!! My heart breaks for you!!!
I am sure you got some amazing advice. You have a beautiful tender heart, so it's not easy to get mad..However, for your beautiful kids sake....
GET an attorney now. It is also time for him to leave :( HE made the hard as it is for you. Let him face the consequences....
Please get an attorney, because if he can leave his children and run off out of the country..He definitely will not have remorse in doing other crazy things. YOU need child support now.
I FEEL FOR YOU and your children!!! God will bring you the support of others. REACH out and find a good church too.....

Also, YES you can stop him from leaving the country. He has legal obligations to his children to PAY! his the father, the provider...
He can't just flap his wings and fly because his libido tells him so!
There are rules in life, and prices to pay.....
Please, as loving as you are..GET tough! GET tough, get angry for a moment! Please, Please move quikly on this~


answers from Redding on

I'm guessing he's trying to leave the door open so he can come back home after he finishes this stupid fantasy out. It will be you that decides what to do when he crosses that bridge. Men, after being married for 20 years, usually don't leave their wife. Something has enticed him. I agree it's definitely midlife crisis stuff.
What should you do? I wish I could tell you. Sorry that youre going through this.
I bet he'll be back before Christmas.



answers from Daytona Beach on

I'm sorry for you. :(. All I can tell you is that you can't keep him from leaving the country. He can do as he wants. However, you CAN try to keep you children IN the country. I would tell the attorney you are going to see that if your husband wants to see the kids, he has to come to the states to see him. I don't know your husband (obviously) but I wouldn't trust anyone to return my kids once they got them out of the states. Also, don't expect him to pay anything. It will be wonderful if he does, but I would suggest living life like he doesn't give you anything. That way, if he doesn't, you aren't in a bind. Good luck!



answers from Washington DC on

I am so so sorry and I can only imagine the pain this is causing you and your children. I am sure if it ever happened to me I would be torn between total fury, a deep sadness and a feeling of total helplessness. Your husband has had plenty of time to plan all of this out, you just got thrown into it unexpectedly so it will take a long time to feel like you are back on your feet but it will come.
My father left my mother for someone else after 30 years of marriage. I was 21 and my brother was 16. My mother had never really worked and relied on him for everything. Like your husband he swore that he would always support us, continue to pay the mortgage, etc. That although he was moving halfway across the country to be with the "love of his life" he would not let us down.
It actually only took a few months for the money to disappear. He paid the mortgage, my college tuition, and provided some money for only about three months. Then the joint bank account was cleaned out, the house went into foreclosure, my mother and brother moved into the basement of a friend of the family. My brother dropped out of high school to work as a computer programmer (he had the talent and this is when the field was new). My mother was depressed and it was a nightmare for all of us. Fifteen years later, my brother and I are doing very well - both married, good jobs, families. My mother worked and supproted herself but has retired and now lives with us to provide childcare for my girls while I work - she is admant that I continue working and not ever be in a situation like she was. I have not seen my father since he left in 1996. He married the "love of his life" and then divorced a couple of years later.
My mother officially divorced him years ago and he was ordered to pay child support and alimony. She never received a dime, even though he was in the states.
I am sure your husband has the best intentions right now. They will change when he leaves. He will only send you what money he is required too. The new girlfriend may be resentful and want the money for herself. Let alone the fact that I would assume there is a big difference between what a dentist makes in the US vs. Nicaragua.
It is so hard to think clearly right now, but your family is right. Hire a lawyer. Have him commit in a legal document to what he is going to do. If he is willing to leave the country and be so far from his children, he is willing to start over without a second thought. Even with all this in place, if he does leave the country he may not provide you with anything. Start looking to downsize now and figure out how ends can be met on your salary. Don't worry about college expenses, etc right now, just worry about day to day stuff. I got through college and a MA on student loans. It was not ideal but it worked and it can work for your children too.
Good luck and know that you ARE strong enough to handle it.

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