Husband Not Doing His 50 Percent

Updated on April 19, 2009
D.N. asks from Spokane, WA
72 answers

My husband doesn't have a job and hasn't had a job ever since 2 months after we got together. Well I thought things were going to change but what was I thinking. He still play video games ALL DAY AND NIGHT. And when he is not playing video games or playing on the computer he is sleeping. I am always the one that takes care of our daughter. I wake up with her in the mornings while he sleeps in until 1 or 2pm (sometimes later) I make her bottles cuz he says he makes a mess when he tries to make them and I change her diapers cuz he always makes excuses why he can't (ex... He just all the sudden has to go to the bathroom, he can't save his game to go change her diaper, his finger hurts and the one that irritates me the most that he says is that cuz she is a girl and doesn't want to look at another girl private areas...hello its your daughter) I have to play with her he never gives her attention he thinks that if she makes the slightest cry that she should be put in her crib until she stops crying. I have to feed her her meals of baby food cuz he doesn't want to get that "nasty baby food" all over his fingers. And I have to put her to bed cuz he is usually playing on the computer and sometimes wont even give her a kiss cuz he is "too busy". He stays up usually till 3 or 4 in the morning playing video games. And I am the one that does all the cleaning and cooking cuz he says that its cuz I want the house cleaned a certain way and that he doesn't know how to cook (even though I've tried to teach him)
So how do I approach him about all these situations??... I've tried and we just end up fighting about it. Its gotten so bad that honestly all we ever do is fight and that I don't feel like I love him anymore cuz of his actions. I'm so close to getting a divorce because I can't handle it anymore but I don't want my daughter growing up without her father.

What can I do next?

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B.O.

answers from Portland on

He sounds like a loser. He sounds lazy and selfish. If it were me I would dump him and move on. I know you said you didn't want her to grow up without her father, but is he really being a father?
Good luck, I'll hope for the best.

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L.S.

answers from Seattle on

The only suggestion that I have is that it seems to be time for marriage counseling. If he won't do that I would try for a temporary seperation. You are pretty much a single mom right now. I do not believe in divorce in most marriages and I hope that you can find the help you need. It is not ok for him to leave everything up to you. It sounds like he may have video game addictions. It is true that some people can have this. He may need help. My husband leaves all the child care to me and it makes me mad but at least he works full time.

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B.D.

answers from Seattle on

I'm no expert on marriage, but I have been through a situation that was similar. I would look into possibly getting some sort of marriage counseling or family counseling. He also sounds like he's got an addiction to vid/comp games. I know that when I dated the guy that I did, he did his vid/comp games as a way to ignore his responsibilities because he was afraid of what life had to offer. Funny thing is? Now? It's five years down the road and he learned that life doesn't hand you what you want in a handbasket whenever you ask...sometimes you have to work for it. Hopefully things will work out for you both. You have my support. :D

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

Sounds like she is growing up without a father now. Yes, he may be more interested when she is older. However, he doesn't seem to be interested in you and you are definitely older and his wife, to boot.

From my own experience and from experts advice I've learned that growing up in a home where parents are fighting can be more damaging than growing up with a single parent. Even if you are separated or divorced your daughter's father can be involved with your daughter.

From the information in your message, I suggest that you stop trying to make him be the man a husband and father needs to be. I don't see any reason for you to stay with him. You don't have to get a divorce. Try living apart.

Therefore I recommend that you focus on yourself and leave him out of your life. Sounds like he's pretty much out already. Ignore him as much as possible while you take care of yourself and your daughter. If you can do that it wouldn't matter if he left.

Ignoring someone who has become irritating is really really difficult. I also suggest that once fighting has become a way of life with a couple they need some sort of intervention or time out to cool down and learn another way of relating to each other. Counseling works for some but only if both people are mature enough to realize that change is necessary and are willing to own their own part in the relationship. I see no indication in your message that counseling would be possible.

I want to emphasize that we cannot change other people. We can only change ourself. Currenting you are in a battle that you cannot win.

From your description I see your husband as being totally irresponsible. Sounds like he's not even looking for a job. Do you work? If not you can get job training assistance thru public assistance. My daughter and her daughter's father were in that program. Because their daughter was a baby she was not required to be trained or get a job but they received extra assistance based on his willingness to attend classes and look for work. He wouldn't do that. She told him to leave.

She entered the job training program and then went to private school to train to be a medical assistant. The state paid for child care and living expenses. She got loans for the school. She became independent and more self-confident. She's been working ever since. (7 years) She would've like to have stayed home with her baby. However, she found that life without him was much better.

She married a couple of years later and although he had a job he spent all of his time playing computer games and refused to help with anything. When se was pregnant she asked him to help her put together the crib. His response was to say it was her baby so she should put together the crib. He could not, would not get involved in spite of his family encouraging him to do so. Of course he didn't need counseling.

I suggest that when someone has this sort of attitude they cannot change. You can change. If you don't want to separate I suggest that you do only what you're able to do without being angry as far as housework is concerned. Don't ask him to do anything. Don't do his laundry or cook his meals. Perhaps sleep in a different room. The difficult part is to learn to be kind in spite of his attitude. You will be doing this as a way to take care of yourself.

Spend time with friends and family. Do what interests you and have fund doing it without thinking that you need to do anything about your husband and how is is acting. You have lots of interests. Focus on them and your daughter.

I've been married and divorced and finally learned that much of my anger was caused by my doing things I really didn't want to do. If I was tired I didn't do the dishes. If my husband and his son didn't help by setting the table or even sitting and talking with me while I finished up dinner, I went out to eat. When I didn't do the laundry my husband did. When I felt like doing these things I did them, reminding myself that I was doing them by choice; therefore I couldn't express anger towards him. I was still irritated and often angry at first. My anger lessened with time but it never went away. We did go to counseling for a couple years and it made no difference. I was then able to make a calm, considered decision to move out knowing that I wasn't doing it just because I was angry. We did eventually divorce.

Note: my ex is very responsible in other ways than relating to me. He's now held the same job for 30 years. He owned his own house when we married. Literally owned it. No payments. We rarely argued. I yelled a lot. I liked being married but when we couldn't get on the same page as far as expectations and what we wanted from the marriage I decided I'd rather be on my own and make my own happiness.

I am sympathetic to you and I am jaded by my own experiences. I know that relationships are difficult even when both people are focused on making the relationship work. They're impossible with an irresponsible, uninterested person. I know that separating is painful even when we decide it's best for us. I also know that every event in our life is beneficial. I learned a lot about myself, how I wanted to live, and how I could be responsible for my own happiness.

Our counselor gave us a saying that helped me. "Would I rather be right or be happy?" I chose happiness.

Making the trasnsition back to being single also requires a lot of work. I think it's worth it.

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M.S.

answers from Portland on

Initially, I was going to say that a lot of men get depressed when they are unemployed. Men in general feel satisfied when they can provide for their families and feel like failures when unemployed. I was going to say that playing video games a lot, sleeping a lot, being uninvolved with child care and family in general is also common.

but... then I read a few things that made me think that your husband is not depressed, but just not committed to your partnership in your marriage or parenting.

It is not normal for a father to say that he doesn't want to look at another girl's private parts when speaking about his daughter! Father's just don't see a grown woman's genitals as anything close to his infant daughter's. That comment not only is sad, but worries me.

Also, referring to the food that keeps your daughter alive as "nasty baby food" says to me that he doesn't not care enough about your daughter to take care of her.

I am sorry if I sound offensive, but my interpretation is that he is immature, uncaring, completely uncommitted, and honestly, he sounds like he has the potential to be abusive.

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J.C.

answers from Seattle on

D.- honey--- living in the same house with this man will NOT have your precious lamb '''grow up with a father''. At this point - she doesn't have a father- she has someone who is male who disprespects her mother and her. That's who she has. My strong suggestion is GET SOME COUNSELING. He likely wont' go '''cause there's nothing wrong with me'' ( hope I'm wrong- but I'd bet money) That's fine- go without him- --- make the space in the budget somehow - and GO because what you deserve and what you are getting are miles apart - and you DONT want to see your baby married to someone someday who treats HER that way. Why wouldn't she pick someone like that if you stick it out with no changes????? Sorry to be so blunt- but honey- I have a daughter in much the same situation- and it grieves me terribly.

Don't expect him to change- make YOUR life better, make your BABIES life better - one step at a time- He will either grow up - or not. But YOUR life and hers hang in the balance.

Blessings,
J.
aka- old mom

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J.R.

answers from Seattle on

Hi D.,

Your husband sounds a bit like my husband did other than the not working part. My husband didnn't want to really participate in our daughters life when she was a baby and I always just figured its easier if I just did it and avoided the argument. Well I WAS WRONG. It got to the point where I was going to leave him because I was just so tired of being treated poorly and being responsible for EVERYTHING around the house even though we both worked. I told him I was leaving him and listed the reasons why. He then realized what he was doing to me and has made a fantastic effort to make things right. He doesn't play video games as much anymore and when he does we usually play together. We take turns making dinner and we both clean the house. He knows that if things go back to the way they were that I would no longer stay married to him. Now I am not telling you to get a divorce I am telling you that you need to absolutely put your foot down with him. My husband is sad that he missed out on a lot of things when our daughter was younger and apologizes to me frequently for not being more help to me. Your husband may be depressed and thats whats keeping him from enjoying real life. Things in your house have got to change there is no way that a person should put up with what you are. I realized it and so should you. Your confronting him may have a positive outcome like mine or a negitive one. Don't waste your life being miserable just because you have a child together. Ether he will shape up or you will have to move on.
Good luck.....

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A.D.

answers from Portland on

this sounds soooo much like my ex-husband. world of warcraft, right? he would stay up all night and sleep half the day because of that ^#&@(*$^!&@* game. i came home one morning at 10 AM from work to find my 10 month old daughter, who woke up between 6 and 7 AM everday, in the same diaper she had slept in, unfed, and left on the floor to play by herself while he played WoW. i did everything i could to help him: i took him to the doctor (who gave him anti depressants that he stopped taking after 2 weeks because "it wasn't working"), i asked him what i could do to help him feel special and loved and what we could do to make our family better, i took over the family finances to reduce his stress, i gave him a very clear picture of what i needed from him, i suggested couples therapy (which he staunchly refused)...the breaking point was when he started taking money out of the bank account behind my back to pay for expensive cheats and premade characters.
he's an addict, and unless he's willing to recognize that and get the help he needs, he's not going to change. would you stay married to a sex addict who refused to seek treatment? would you stay married to a coke addict who refused to go to rehab? what about an alcoholic who did not want to quit drinking? NO. why should you? addicts all have 1 thing in common: they are incredibly selfish people who don't care about anyone but themselves. they will destroy your life if you let them unless they choose to recover.
so, the choice is his: he can choose to recover and become an active, contributing, loving member of his family, or his family can walk out the door and never look back. your choice is to communicate with him or not. i would sit him down and tell him that while you are willing to help him help himself, you cannot keep your family afloat single handedly. tell him that his daughter needs a father and you need a husband, and when he's playing constant video games, both of you are lacking what you need. do some research, get into some counseling for yourself, and suggest he do the same. suggest family counseling also (or just the family counseling, if you have to choose).
it will not be easy for him to clean up his act, but if he is committed, he can. but he has to want to. if he doesn't want to, walk out the door and don't look back. i haven't been with my ex for 3 years now, and even though i've had some tough times, leaving him was the best thing i ever did for me and for my daughter. i met a man who doesn't play video games and doesn't have an addictive personality, who takes care of my daughter better than her own father does (i won't even go into what i deal with every other weekend when she comes home from her dad's house...the obvious neglect breaks my heart, as does my daughter's pleas to let her stay home with me) and works with me as a team. my daughter now has a healthy example of what a family (and a relationship) can be, and i have a life i never imagined i deserved.
good luck. you are not in an easy place, and i hope you can find some peace with your situation.

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H.G.

answers from Portland on

Sounds like you would have one less to clean up after you loose the dead weight. It also sounds like your daughter is growing up without a father because of the way he acts. He's got excuses for everything. If he says he will change I wouldn't belive him, he knows he can leach off of you & he's got a good thing doing that. Why should he change? He might throw alot of words your way but, that's all he'll do he won't follow threw. He is sucking the life out of you. You could tell him he needs to go to counselling, I have a feeling he will say no. If he does say yes make sure you are in contact with the counselor & set a firm date as to when things better change. I having a daughter myself do have to wonder, what kind of example are you showing your daughter by staying with this person who treats you both so badly. Someone earlier said you are enabling his behavior. From what you wrote this seems true to me. You need to put all your energy into you & your daughter, get rid of this ball & chain.

Have a plan of exit!

Get a seperate checking account & a p.o. box so he can't get at your mail & mess up your credit. Write a letter to all your financial institutions (banks, credit cards,the three credit bureaus Experien, Eqifax & Transunion)that you are no longer with him & he can't use your income to help secure credit for himself. Close all credit cards & all lines of credit(loans)if you can. If you have a balance have the company you are with open a new account & transfer the balance in your name, since you are the only one going to pay it. If you can't do that then call the credit card company & let them know what is going on & lower your credit limit so it can't be charged up & set a password for it. Ask them for there help. Get a credit report & make sure you have seperated yourself from him as much as you can. Take your name off the utilities.

If you have an apartment 30 days before the lease is up give your notice move yourself & your daughter let him fend for himself. There are women's advocates in every state, look them up in the blue pages of you phone book start making calls. They can help you.

If you want more help from somone who thankfully didn't marry the leach, give me a call, ###-###-####.
I now have a great husband & life.

Hope this helps.

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P.G.

answers from Seattle on

I realize that he is the father of your child -- but he clearly doesn't want to be a part of that. I would show him the door. Firmly, lovingly, and with this message: come back when you are ready to be a responsible adult. You will have a much happier existence and you won't be any busier than you already are.

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K.H.

answers from Richland on

Dear D.,
Not to make any excuses, because there isn't any, but it sounds like your husband is depressed. He should see a doctor.
I hate to state the obvious, but you said you didn't want your daughter to grow up without her dad, well, it sounds like she already is. You really need to put your foot down! After all you signed up to be his wife not his mother or babysitter.
I watch Dr, Phil sometimes and he said a couple of things that have really stuck in my head. 1. Children would rather be "from" a broken home than "live" in one. and 2. People only treat you the way you allow them to.
With that said, my suggestion would be to sit down with your husband and explain that the current situation just isn't working for you, tell him what you need from him as a husband and a father and if he wants to be with the 2 of you he will change, if not then you need to decide if you want to "settle" or move on.
You and your daughter deserve better!
Good luck!

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M.L.

answers from Anchorage on

Personally, I would leave.I had to leave my ex when our daughter was 5 months old because he was pretty much the same way.I figured that I didn't plan and get myself pregnant so why should I have to do everything involving her and her care PLUS take care of the house and take care of him by myself! I thought maybe he would change after getting our daughter home and settle in but he didn't, as the months went on he just got worse and is still rarely around.
I think that some of the other responses are great.You should not only think about yourself and your daughters well being but also about the fact that your daughter will ask questions later on in life when she see's how her father treats you and why he doesn't spend anytime with her.My daughter will be 3 in June and she sometimes asks why her dad can't stay at her house and I just explain to her the best I can that mommy and daddy don't live together anymore but that we both love her very much and she seems to be happy with that for now although I know the harder questions will come later and I'm fine with that.I'd rather deal with difficult questions then be miserable and have my daughter asking me why I let daddy treat me the way he did and have her think that it's ok for guys to treat her like that.
Regardless of what you choose to do I hope that everything works out for u :)

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N.Z.

answers from Portland on

You cannot win. This is who he is. Would you rather your daughter had no Dad, or that she had a Dad that was a lazy slacker? He sure sounds like a slacker. You don't say who pays the bills and goes to work. Seems to me that your life would be easier if you only had 1 child to take care of.
You say he hasn't had a job since 2 months after you got together. Does that mean since 2 months after you started dateing? Man that is years! He doesn't want to work.
I divorced my ex-husband because his life was more important than "our" life. Teach him to be self-sufficient by not supporting him anymore. Sorry, Divorce might be the best option at this time. Or else just accept that he isn't ever going to be more than a "gamer"
Good Luck to you!

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M.J.

answers from Seattle on

If he is not willing to meet you in the middle honey then i'd say this is not a sustainable healthy relationship. Not to mention a potentialy damaging example of what love and a relationship looks like to your own daughter. Even if these memories aren't clear the impression stays that Mommy is running herself ragged while Daddy hardly lifts a finger to help. Keep in mind, would you want you daughter to ever be in a relationship like the one your living in right now?

In the meanwhile you doing everything while he makes excuses unfortunately enables his bad behavior. He knows you'll do it even if he doesn't. I know it doesn't leave really any room though for resistance since we're talking about the needs of a child being met, and someone has to do it. You being the good Mom you are will not let your baby go hungry, sit in a dirty diaper, sob uncomforted, etc,. Good for you.

I'd suggest couples counseling to help encourage dialogue with a neutral party helping to navigate and facilitate your conversations. If he isn't willing to make changes or address what is keeping him from stepping up to the job of fatherhood and husband then i'm sorry to say Mrs. D. but that is not a marriage. That's misery, and it'll hurt you and your daughter in the long run.

I'm a strong advocate of going against the "stay together for the children" concept. I watched far too many friends when I was younger have such twisted concepts of love and relationships soley based on the fact that their parents stayed together to "stick it out" for the kids. It created a lifetime of pain, confusion, and struggle where there should have been confidence and joy.

I'm just as strong an advocate though for trying to sort through the "garbage" to try and work out relationship troubles. The thing though is that you can't do it all yourself. you can only carry your half. He has to meet you in the middle or there's no progress to be had, and if he thinks there's no consequences to his actions and no follow through on your part he's going to continue to take a mile every inch you give.

My best of wishes and prayers for all three of you. May good things come of your courage and efforts.

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R.S.

answers from Portland on

A man can get a woman pregnant without being a father. Your story doesn't seem to have a father in it. Your husband sounds like he doesn't want to grow up let alone take any responsibility for his family. He sounds like his actions are saying"I just want to play video games and be taken care of like a child and I'm not capable of more."
Unless that is your idea of a man and or father I would get out of the marriage. You deserve more in a relationship and your child deserves a real father not a child/man.

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M.D.

answers from Seattle on

D., you have some things to think about. First off, you can't change someone, they have to decide that they want to change and from your message it sounds like you husband is not interested in being a father or husband and if that is the case perhaps you should ask him if he WANTS to be a husband or father and if he doesn't then you have your answer. Get out of this negative relationship and have more positive days.

On the other hand if he does want to be a husband and father then ask him if he thinks he is being a very good one, because he is not being any type of anything but a loaf! Does he want his daughter to grow up and date or marry someone that is behaving the way he is? No, absolutely not and if he seems remotely ok with the idea open his eyes to the situation and tell him everything you told us. Does he really want his daughter married to a man you plays video games all day and night, sleeps till the afternoon, won't get a job, won't help with the house or baby? He should want better for his daughter and so should you! But know that if your daughter grows up seeing that behavior that is what she will think is "normal" and "right" and will inevitably get herself into a similar relationship.

If your husband is addicted to the video games then you need to get rid of them or encourage him to seek counseling for his behavior. My husband has an addictive personality and when he plays a computer game he can't stop until he finishes the game, he knows this and I know this. Our solution to the problem is not to own any computer games or a gaming system. He enjoys playing with friends at their house occasionally, but we just keep the temptation out of our home.

You have some things to consider, such as if you even want to fight to save this marriage, and if you do then you and your husband have some conversations to have. Now if you can't sit and talk because it always turns to fights then find a mediator (family member, friend, pastor, etc) or find a counselor.

Sorry for being so direct and forceful but to me there is no sense in beating around the bush. I do wish you luck and pray that it works out in the way that is best for you and your little girl. It is a hard thing to think about because while you want her father to be part of her life, he may not be the right guy to be her father.

Good Luck,
M.

PS Something my MIL told me was that when she got married their Bishop asked them how much each person was supposed to contribute to a marriage, they both said 50%, thinking that 50 and 50 is 100%. He said ,"No, you each have to give 100% to this marriage, that way if one of you falls short a day, you still have 100%." Just something else to think about.

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V.G.

answers from Seattle on

Hi D.,

It's very sad but if your husband has been this way for almost as long as you've been together, he sounds very immature and just not ready to be a responsible adult let alone a dad. He may grow up or he may always be this way.

Did you make the decision together to have a baby at this time? Is there any possibility that he didn't want to be a daddy yet? If he was reluctant, but you went ahead and got pregnant anyway, he may feel resentment toward you and be thinking that if this is what you wanted you should take care of it all.

Unfortunately, you can't change other people - each person can only change themselves. To continue to argue about this with him is pointless. He may be hiding some depression over the loss of his job by playing video games all day, so if he's willing to try some counseling that might be helpful. If counseling isn't an option, you've told him how you feel and he isn't responding so either be willing to accept him as he is or move on.

Having said that, some people (especially dad's) just aren't "baby people". Often new dads(and sometimes moms, too!) are frightened of taking care of babies for a number of reasons. Babies can't tell you what's wrong when they cry. They are small and helpless so people feel uncomfortable handling them for fear that they may be harmed if something is done the wrong way. And it IS gross and messy feeding and changing them if you're not used to it.

Lots of fathers and mothers enjoy their children much more when they are older and able to talk, take care of their own bodily functions and interact with them.

Have confidence in yourself that you can provide a good life for your daughter with or without her dad.

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J.L.

answers from Seattle on

You need to tell him to man up and do his job. That is ridiculous I am the husband of J. and I stay up and play video games on my day offs but I also get up at 630 or so to take care of our daughter I also do most of the cooking and cleaning around the house on my days off and sometimes when I work. My wife is 9 months pregnant and she doesnt really like changing the diapers so I do it, even if I am playing video games. You need to put the fear of god in his eyes thats my opinion.

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A.R.

answers from Yakima on

50%?? He should be doing 100%! Sorry to be so blunt, but he's what I call a leech, and he's never going to change unless he has to! I was engaged to a man like him and am so glad that I called off the wedding and found a wonderful man who helps out with everything AND works! I wish you strength, you'll need it to either show him the way to be a true father or to show him the door. Maybe he'd be a better father during visitation.

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S.J.

answers from Eugene on

Hi D.. You sound like a very sweet and trusting soul. Your husband has some growing up to do. What is your relationship like with his family? Can you talk to his parents and siblings and see if they would be willing to help you try to talk to him about his responsibilities as a husband and father?

If he is not interested in spending time with your daughter then you might not be able to really force that right now. As she gets older and can walk, talk, play then he hopefully might show more interest in spending time with her. It's hard for some men to bond with their children as babies because they feel like they don't know what to do with them. His excuses sound very lame though.

If he isn't going to pitch in on childcare then he should definitely be helping you out in other ways, like with cooking and cleaning or getting a job. Do you pay all the bills? Maybe you can get his attention by shutting off the internet access. Tell him if he wants it back on he will have to get a job to pay for it.

Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling with you? You might be able to find free or low cost counseling through local family organizations or churches. If he is not even willing to try counseling and if you can't talk to him about these issues without a fight then he is not ready to grow up and take his responsibilities as a husband and father seriously. If he is not willing to try to work this out with you then you will have to decide what is best for you and your daughter and if you and she are better off with him or without him. Be strong and follow your instincts. I wish you the best.

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N.R.

answers from Richland on

D.,

I hate to say it (normally I would advocate other means such as counseling first) but maybe it IS time for you to file for divorce. Your husband obviously doesn't want to grow up and accept his adult responsibilities. You don't just have one child in your home you have two. The sad truth is that if this has been going on since 2 months after you got together the chances of it changing are slim to none. As for your daughter growing up without a father: SHE ALREADY IS!

File for divorce and start your life over. You and your daughter both deserve better.

Best of luck,
N.

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J.O.

answers from Spokane on

Honestly honey?! Doesn't sound like he is going to change. Your daughter would be better off knowing her momma has enough dignity to not let a man treat her that way. I firmly believe if you don't love each other anymore don't stay together for a child. Is that really teaching your child good morals? What your husband is doing is so uncalled for and is extremely neglectful to his daughter. Please do what's best for you and your daughter

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L.H.

answers from Seattle on

D.,
You say you don't want a divorce because you are afraid your daughter growing up without a father. The current situation you are describing IS growing up without a father. Your husband is not there physically, mentally, emotionally or financially. It sounds very dysfunctional. Your daughter would be better off without a father like that in her life. You want to model a healthy relationship with equal give and take & a happy family for her while she grows up, not the one where you deny your own needs day after day. I would also look inside yourself to figure out why you stayed for so long. Maybe you don't feel you deserve better? It is time to kick this looser to the curb.

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K.W.

answers from Portland on

I would love to say a lot of pithy things, but I have diapers to change etc. so I will just say: kick his thoughtless butt to the curb. Neither you nor your girl need that kind of man in their lives, making them feel worthless.

If you feel like giving it another try, go for couples counseling so it's not all about you being the "bad guy". The counselor can show him that his behavior is not typical or acceptable, and can shoulder some of the effort of pushing him.

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A.O.

answers from Seattle on

I am not there and am only going by what you have posted but it already sounds like she is growing up without her daddy. Being a dad is SO much more than fertilizing an egg. My first born's bio-dad is not a good dad. I made the decision while she was young to get out of that relationship because I didnt want her to pick a husband just like her father (that is exactly what I did). It has truly been the best thing I could have ever done for her. Even though her dad is sometimes here but most of the time gone she realizes that his actions are a relection of who he is and not is any way her fault. She is happy, secure and loved without the daily reminders of what a dad "should" be. Also, because I freed myself up to take better care of myself I was able to heal enough to allow myself to find a GREAT guy and not settle for what I had before. I am now married with another baby and my husband is the perfect role maodel for all my girls. Life would have been way different if I had stayed with bio-dad one.

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B.Y.

answers from Seattle on

Do you know that the you are showing your daughter how life is should happen?
I would suggest that you get counseling. Then I would ask you to ask yourself this, "Would you want your daughter to live with a husband like yours?" or "what would you tell your daughter to do?"
Set rules for him, let him know what you expect. Then hold your ground.
I know it is hard, because you love him. But sometimes we have to make hard choices.
Good luck

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J.C.

answers from Bellingham on

He's addicted, D. (like you need me to tell you that). I would treat it like any other addiction. I'm seeing this more and more in my practice (as an addictions counselor). Read up about it on the web and then think about your options. I know a good interventionist in the Seattle area.

I'm sorry, D.. Best of luck to you.

J.

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H.O.

answers from Anchorage on

First of all, on your computer..since he uses it a lot..write a letter. Make sure he sees it and refuse to talk about. Insist he write back..in your letter. Don't mention the letter..let him let it stew. It will help you vent. Tell him why you loved him to begin with. Tell him why you feel you are starting to NOT love him. If he can see why, maybe that will help. As far as the diaper changing goes..understand that some dads are like that. It's not always because they "are refusing" but because they are simply uncomfortable. Babies are "fragile" to some dads. What was his upbringing like? If mom did everything for him..or for his dad..he probably expects the same from you. If you can't handle that..and he can't change it..time to look at other options. BUT, before you get mad and pack your things..do write the letter..think hard..try not to be hurtful..for every "I HATE it when you do this or don't do that" Say "I LOVE it when you do this or that". Really..only come from your perspective..don't make it personal. Express concern for him too. My guess is he may feel a little guilty about what he is doing but doesn't want to seem like he is "stepping in" too. If he were to come in and offer to help after you started something you would feel like he was only doing it because "you asked him to" (at least in his mind). I'm not saying ANY of this is right..but it is true..you have to come from his shoes too. Remember why you married him. If it was to give your baby a father it was for the wrong reasons. If it was for love (or that you thought it was love) then there was something that you saw in him to begin with. If he's no good don't stay. If he is..then stay and work at it. Divorce is a pretty drastic step these days, and remember he has no job..so no child support either. Encourage him to get a job in a field he enjoys if he can. If he likes games maybe he can get a job reviewing them even (really jobs like that exist). Start taping job ads that he might be interested in to the computer screen or whatever. He will get the hint. Just stop fighting..it does no good. You only hurt both of you would be my guess and it doesn't help either of your self esteem, which you both need. Fighting is what it is..fighting and there is no solution if you are both fighting. SO stop fighting. Simply stop. I know its frustrating but its not good for your daughter to see you two fight either. It would be better for you to be alone with her than to always see that you are yelling at her Daddy, or that Daddy is yelling at you. That's not a good example for her, and frankly you want her to want her Daddy to be around. It does sound a little like he is "regressing"..but I wonder if its more about depression. If that is the case..check into counseling and encourage him to go. If there are drinking issues..confront him on that. Be specific here...is it just about being a good daddy or are their husband issues as well? If you were to go to work would he take care of her? Ask him that. Perhaps in the letter. Find out what HE WANTS from you..perhaps that will help. If he cannot answer that..or he says "nothing"..then tell him "I have nothing to give anymore..I'm worn out". Either two people are in this marriage, and three people are in this family, or there are three people in this family and the family is about to split up. Really..lay it down..put it in writing. Give him a deadline if you must but encouragement, maybe some stinging reality. (Like your checkbook balance each month) etc. Involve him..change her in front of him..right in front of him. (Whether he hollers or not..what's he gonna do..pick her up while she's nekkid? I think not. Good Luck..:)

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K.B.

answers from Seattle on

Please, whatever you do, do not stay and just hope things will improve. Without drastic action on your part, they absolutely will not. Do not kid yourself about this. It sounds like your husband is severely depressed, and it also sounds like he has never learned to assume the responsibilities that go along with being an adult, a husband and a father. He is clearly not there for you or for your daughter, regardless of his physical presence in your home. He is merely taking advantage of your generous nature. Your relationship with him WILL damage your daughter and her ability to choose a healthy relationship for herself later in life.

Also, please don't make the mistake of staying and thinking another baby will solve the problem. It will only get more complicated and difficult from there.

If I were you, I would separate from him immediately. You can try counseling if he is willing, but only after removing yourself and your child from this toxic situation. I wouldn't get my hopes up, but with love and prayer, positive change is possible (even if it is unlikely). Your refusal to continue enabling his downward spiral into depression and addiction (addiction to computer games is a very real problem, and as you may suspect, he might have other addictions as well, to drugs and/or alcohol) may be the only thing that allows positive change to come about in his life and, by extension, yours and your daughter's. His continuing to isolate himself, his obvious lack of self esteem (true self esteem comes from accomplishing things that matter to a person) could, God forbid, even lead him on a path that, taken to its extreme, may end in suicide. By leaving, you give him a chance to turn his life around. By staying, I fear things will only get worse.

Leaving is the only thing that will create the room in your life for the Lord to either heal your relationship with your husband or for another, better man to enter your life. You deserve a man who loves and cares for you and your daughter, not the freeloading leach who is sucking you dry. Leaving will take immense strength on your part, but it is your only hope of securing the happier future for yourself and your daughter that you both deserve. Have faith and take action, and things WILL improve.

Good luck to you. You are in my prayers.

K.

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C.H.

answers from Portland on

Well D. I really hate to say it but it looks like you and your daughter would benefit greatly from not having this person in your life. Your story, except for the video games that they didn't have then, is very close to my own story of when my girls were babies. My ex never worked and when I got tired of living on welfare and got a job myself he couldn't even take care of our girls for eight hours a day. When some very wise and caring co-workers finally convinced me that I was a good person who deserved better I divorced him and have never once for a millesecond regretted getting him out of our lives. Before I got rid of him I lived with him for five years and did everything I could think of to make it work. He is an alcoholic and would do whatever drug he could get his hands on. Getting high was his life. I'm sure you must realize that whatever 'high' your husband is getting from the video games has become his addiction. An addiction you can't compete with and will never be more important to him than.

When I was much younger, in my teens, I read an Ann Landers column where she told a person asking for advice that 'no one can take advantage of you without your permission'. Even though I really didn't understand it or agree with it for many, many, many years it just stuck with me. Finally when I got older and had matured quite a bit I figured out that if someone is taking advantage of me I have no one but myself to blame because I allow it to happen. Sorry to sound mean but you are allowing him to take advantage of you. We cannot change other people. You are NEVER going to change this person no matter what you say or do. He may change but it will only be because he wants to and sees the benefit of changing and it could take him the rest of his life to see the benefit of changing himself OR he may never see it and stay the same until he dies.

In my humble opinion that I come to based on my own personal experience with a very similar situation in my own life many years ago divorce him and get on with your life. Make a new life for you and your daughter and forget he ever existed...I doubt very much if he would go out of his way to have a relationship with his daughter since it really doesn't appear that he has much of a relationship with you. You take care of him so he can indulge in his video game obsession. Trust me not all people who enjoy video games play them all day and all night and don't work. My son is married with a 19-month-old son. He LOVES playing video games and plays on line a LOT. However he still has a job, he still takes time to be a husband to my daughter-in-law, he still helps with my grandson with things like bathing him, watching him so my daughter-in-law can rest, changing his diapers, etc. He does it all except breastfeed...

I know it sounds hard and painful but if you value your self and your daughter you will make a life for your self and for her where you are free of the heavy weight of him that you currently have hanging around your neck.

Before you see yourself in a long life living alone rest assured that as soon as you find the strength within your self and make a life for your self you'll see that there are much more important things in this life than having a man in your life. However, all that said, the very same day I filed for divorce from my ex-husband I met someone. That was 32 years ago and even though we've had some ups and downs, like all other normal couples do, we are still together we still love one another and most importantly we still LIKE one another. He's my rock and my port in any storm BUT just to let you know since leaving my ex and finding my 'self' I am a real go-getter who can take excellent care of my self. Still when I do need a shoulder to lean on my wonderful husband is there for me and I adore him for that and for many other things too... Trust me/us...this is not a NORMAL marital relationship and isn't likely to change ever AND there are wonderful men out there who would jump at the chance to love you, take care of you and also be a wonderful father to your daughter...the kind of father that she deserves.

Just one more thing D.. All of this does NOT make your husband a bad person. There are no 'bad' people but only good people who do bad things or who are messed up. The things he is doing or not doing are not conducive to a marriage or a family and so you must do the right thing for your self and your daughter and make a life without this man. Don't be mean about it, don't be hateful about it, don't be emotional about it...just get out or boot him out and start a life on your own.

Good luck.
C.

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M.M.

answers from Portland on

It sounds like he may have an addiction problem-- and yes, a gaming addiction is as real as any other kind. If it were me, I would confront him and ask him to seek help (offer to see him through it) and if he refuses, leave. Or better yet, throw the computer and his gaming systems in the trash.
Good luck! I'm sorry you're going through this.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

Maybe you should talk to him about seeing a councilor together. Let him know you are at the end of your rope. If he refuses, then he will probably never change and you may be better moving on.

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P.B.

answers from Seattle on

You might want to sit him down when he has a moment to spare and explain the situation to him. You're not his mom or his maid. You're his wife. His partner. A partnership means that you're both working together on a common goal. Explain to him what you expect. It might help if you draw up a list of things you'd like for him to accomplish and also a list of what you accomplish on a daily basis. It may put it into perspective for him. Other than that, there's always marriage counselling. Good luck. By the way, after work tasks are completed, you could always play video games together.

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R.I.

answers from Seattle on

We did two things when I just about had it and was ready to move out just so he could see how much work was going into childcare. First, when we were on vacation visiting his folks, he was responsible for all our son's food, bath, diapers, sleep, diaper bag, clothes etc. for two days. The only thing I did was show up to nurse him when my husband said it was time. He had to plan, prepare all meals and everything else. It was an eye opener for him. Plus, he got super organized with it and now we have a checklist for the diaper bag before we go out. The second thing we did was see a counselor for 3 sessions. We learned about our different personalities and how we can respect this yet also work with it for the sake of our marriage and son. Things are much better now. Good luck!

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N.L.

answers from Medford on

hi D., i have been married to my husband for 48years. we had 5 children. they are all grown now.marriage is a two way street. it takes two to tango.if your husband doesn'twant to contribute to helping you with his own daughter then he does not deserve you or your daughter.my husband and i had our differences but were were always there for each other and our children.now our children are giving us grandchildren and greatgrandchildren.remember the old saying, the family that prays togeher stays together. sounds like your husband just wants to waste time playing games. not worth it for you and your daughter.hope you work things out. i have never heard of a father who didn't want to kiss his daughter goodnight. good luck to you.

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T.O.

answers from Portland on

I know you don't want your daughter to grow up without a father, but at this point, it doesn't seem like she really has one. I do give you credit for sticking it out this long, I am not sure I would have the strength to do that. You need to decide if it worth keeping your daughter in this stressful situation just to keep her with her father. This has got to be heartbreaking for you, but if he isn't willing to change, you may be the one to make the change. Hang in there and I hope things work out for you!

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C.G.

answers from Portland on

If you haven't had any luck approaching him on these subjects before, I would suggest getting some counseling. It sounds like a mediator would be beneficial because past talks led to arguments and nothing was resolved. I've had numerous conversations with girlfriends who have had similar albeit less extreme experiences as yours. One explained that it was difficult for her husband to fully engage with his daughter until she was old enough to talk and express herself. Another mentioned having to go on strike - she stopped doing his laundry, cooking his meals, etc. And yet another would make plans and leave the house without her child, thereby requiring her partner to do his part. If your husband truly feels he can't clean because it won't meet your standards, lower your standards and let him know it's okay if he cleans his own way (as long as it doesn't consist of sweeping dirt under rugs and stuff). Give him specific jobs that he can do to help out like folding clean clothes and putting them away, emptying the dishwasher, taking out the garbage, etc. I wouldn't expect things to change overnight. And, most importantly, you have to want to fix things. Good luck.

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

I have to agree with those who are telling you that your husband is an addict. An addiction is defined as engaging in a behavior to an extent that it harms one's ability to relate to other essential areas of life. Like work, wife and child.

And, my dear, you could be described as an enabler. (It takes one to know one: I have been pretty much where you are.) You describe very clearly how you have taken up the slack in your husband's life, thus allowing him to continue to engage in his addiction and ignore responsibility to you or his child.

It sounds like you have become fed up. Good for you! If you're not ready to make necessary changes yet, read books on addiction and enabling, attend a 12-step group like Al-Anon, get counseling, whatever it takes to get a more realistic view of the situation you are in with this man. Don't expect him to change. As some future point he might, but it won't happen until you change the basic pattern of your relationship.

I would guess that you had a father who wasn't there in ways that you needed when you were a kid. Maybe he was absent quite a lot because of his work. Or a divorce. Or illness. Maybe he was a workaholic or had other addictions, like to alcohol or gambling. Maybe he was immature, selfish and neglectful. Maybe your mother sacrificed heroically to keep the family working no matter what. Whatever, if this is the case, it has set you up to expect too little from a mate.

As others have noted, a really good partnership involves both people giving 100%.

My best to you and your beautiful little girl.

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L.H.

answers from Seattle on

I had the same problem with a friend of mine, fighting had to stop she finally did her own things, and beleive it or not he started missing her.If that can happen good-luck, sometimes just needs to kick in..........I love to meet new people as well most of my freinds moved away cause of job careers
If you would like to e-mail mine is
[email protected]____.com

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S.W.

answers from Medford on

I will have to say you are not the only one who goes through this!!! There are a few men out there that help, but mainly women are the one. One main problem we have is we like it done "our way" and get on them because they don't do it "our way". I just recently went to work and my husband after 20 years and 3 kids is actually having to help out! It is so hard cause he doesn't clean well and I have to bite my tongue because if you say anything it is an instant fight. You have to find a way to talk to him and ask and give him suggestions where "he" doesn't think you are criticizing him, cause men think different than us this will be a learning experience. We tend to start talking to them as they are one of our kids and you can't do that. Maybe sit down with him and "together" make up a chore list of who does what chores. If he hates getting up with the baby or changing diapers maybe he can do the laundry and dishes. Comprimise! If you keep going the way it is, it doesn't look good for your marriage! And always talk to him saying "I feel", not "because of you". Keep the blame away from him!
S. Works

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R.G.

answers from Spokane on

LEAVE! He does not deserve to have a wife and a child. He can have visitation with his daughter, if he refuses, it is better for her to grow up with out him than to grow up and watch you two fight and to watch how her father is a poor excuse for a man. That is not how a REAL man acts, don't let your daughter beleive that it is; if you do, later in her life that is what she will settle for, you need to set examples and standards for her...

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H.J.

answers from Seattle on

MaY I ask if you are young parents...like early 20's I ask because from experience (since this is how we started out) he is just not quit ready for daddy/hubby life. It took just about two years before my husband got the hint and realized that he was freeloading and it was hurting the relationship and stressing me out and depressing me. Now 4 years later and with two kids he is still not perfect but he is there and loves his kids more then anything.

I remember when we were in college and lived together I worked a full year before he even found his first job. He just played games, and slept!

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A.B.

answers from Spokane on

Only he can choose to do his share. If he did it because you wanted him to most likely his attitude while doing it would reflect that.

It sounds like their are many other issues too. You need to weigh the pros and cons of being with him because it's going to bring you down to see him not caring for/about his daughter. She will see that you aren't happy--kids are smart.

Good luck with things.

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S.M.

answers from Portland on

She is already growing up without a father, he just happens to be near her. You would be better off on your own with her. He will never change, this is who he is. Do you want her growing up thinking this is how a relationship ought to be, or worse yet that as a woman she should do it all and the guy do nothing. Leave now and find yourself a real man that can show her how it ought to work. In time (and without you saying anything) she will come to understand why you divorced her father.

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J.L.

answers from Corvallis on

Girl you are in trouble! My personal experience of having a man around that will ot do anything around the house and wont get a job is boot him out!! I too was in a simular situation (but we didnt have kids together) and he NEVER changed!! I worked 2 jobs and took care of my kids as he stayed in bed, played on the comuter, and video games. I am sorry to say your man is dead weight and takingadvantage of you.
I know you are worried about your daughter and want Daddy around. Kids pick up the tension between you and your spouse and abserve everything (no matter how young, they pick up on this). It is much healthier fora child to grow up in a happy healthy home than it is in a home that is unhappy. IF you boot your hubby, he may come to his senses and become more ofa father, at least spend some time with her.
I know this is a horrible sposition, but think of your happiness and well being....and your daughter!!

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P.H.

answers from Seattle on

Wow..sounds like you have 2 children your baby and a teenager.He hasn't manned up and without radical change...I doubt he will...if ever.
Does he smoke pot?
Can you move in with a family member? Can your sister or brother get him out?
Where's his family...I'm guessing dysfunctual.
How do you pay for rent, food ,diapers etc?
Do you have a local crisis center or womens support center...you need help !!!
I'm worried about you.

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S.L.

answers from Portland on

Hi D.,
I think you know this already, but what you have is a husband that is not ready to be a dad (or a husband for that matter). He's there, but he's not THERE. You're a single mom and he's freeloading. You should start preparing to separate from him. Don't you deserve someone who cares about you? Love is an action, not just a feeling.

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J.S.

answers from Seattle on

You may've heard this before... but counseling sounds like a good idea. If he's willing to go with you, he'd see how he's making you be his mom. If he's not willing, you may still find out some ways to get through to him. It sounds to me like he's depressed, and addicted to the games. He's in denial about the realities of his life. If nothing works (and soon!) I'd go for the divorce. I hate to say it, but he may even be a more attentive dad if you split up.
Good luck!

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K.S.

answers from Seattle on

To be honest, it sounds like your daughter is growing up without her father already.

I would be thinking hard about what is best for your family. Maybe if your husband knew how seriously, really, really seriously you were taking this, and that it was not a game to you, he might understand.

It seems like maybe he wants you to take care of him, and let him be a child, too, almost. I wouldn't like that, either. We all need some time to relax, but it can't be ALL the time. It really does sound like he's behaving more like a child. He needs to hear that you're serious about needing an adult in the relationship with you, a partner.

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K.R.

answers from Bellingham on

Hello?
Your daughter is growing up without her father already, from what you describe.
He doesn't have a JOB? How is that okay?
Honey, RUN, don't walk, away from this man.
He is sapping all of your strength and giving absolutely nothing in return.
You and your daughter deserve better.

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P.C.

answers from Seattle on

Hey D.,
You deserve a lot better. You sound awesome!I've been married almost 19 years and it is all about give and take. My husband works alot with a long commute but always pitches in.We have 2 little boys 6 & 8.We are a team.I stay at home so I do most of the household stuff.However,I can always depend on him to do his part.You can't change another person.They have to be willing. Life is too short. Hang in there.
P. C.

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A.M.

answers from Seattle on

Hi D.,
I have read all the post and have to agree with most of them. If you feel that you cannot talk to him because you have tried then it's time to move on to the next step. It's time for him to "Man Up" or get out. A marriage consist of two people working together to take on the world. You are not his Mother! He is an adult he can clean and work and do his share. It takes TWO to make a baby and both parties are responsible to give that child a loving nurturing life to grow up in. If you do not want to divorce him, then maybe a seperation would be good. This of course is just my opinion but if it were me and I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt I would just sit down and say I don't want to fight but this is how I feel and this is what needs to happen if he wants to stay married. You BOTH need to clean the house, he needs to try to find a job, you BOTH need to take responsibilites for the care of your child. Tell him that the computer games and video games need to be played a lot less and he needs to become a better part of the family or he can find another place to live. Your child is already growing up without a father so that should not be an issue with your decision. You certainly don't want her to think that that is what a man does or that that is what married life is! Good Luck and remember Life is what WE make it to be, only you have the choice and the power to make decisions to change your life. The road is hard, but if you take the right turns happiness is there waiting for you!

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C.G.

answers from Portland on

D.,
You sound very frustrated! I would be too. However, there are always two sides of a story. Have you asked what his side is? Men are very complicated. He could be a bum, or he could be depressed. When my dad was out of work for a long time, he played video games all day long too. He was depressed and couldn't make himself do anything. Are you nagging him? Nagging gets you absolutely nowhere. Focus on his strengths, not his weaknesses. If he does something you like, no matter how small, thank him for it. Focus on the positive! Don't dwell on the 50 percent, because you are setting your marriage up for failure. Do things to make him feel appreciated, and he might reciprocate.

You might consider going to a marriage conference. I strongly recommend going to A Weekend to Remember put on by Family Life. (It is Christian-oriented.) It's not free, but totally worth it. You have to get a babysitter, but you find out what it takes to make a marriage really work. They also have good resources. Here is the website:

http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3204559/k....

I will be praying for you.
C. G.

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N.F.

answers from Seattle on

As if you don't have enough responses, I wanted to say a little something. My heart really hurts for you because that's not a marriage or a daddy. What he needs is a wake up call. Like on the show Wife Swap or Trading Spouses. At the end the husbands realize how much they take their wives for granted. Talk to him in a calm and controlled manner in a serious tone. Try to get your feelings out without it turning into a fight... I mean bite your tongue to remain calm. If he is just not willing to talk about the situation, I would say pack up your things and stay at family or friends for awhile. Let him see what life is without you and your daughter. If he doesn't realize that you're gone, then you know he's an addict and needs serious help. I live in a house of gamers and they have selected times they can play, including my husband. So far it's worked out, but we'll see when our son is born. Get a video camera and record him for a week, then have him watch it. That might wake him up too. Best of luck to you and your daughter, and I really hope your husband comes around.

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A.B.

answers from Portland on

You are an angel. Clearly this man has zero respect for you and zero interest in being a father. This is NOT what a real man does. It sounds like you need to stop letting him walk all over you and get out of that marriage. Your daughter probably won't even notice that he's gone. No offense, but he's a bum and you deserve much much better!!!!

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L.R.

answers from Seattle on

Hi D.,

I am sorry to say that, unfortunately, it sounds like your sweet baby girl is already growing up without her father! She can probably feel your frustration and that isn't good. How long have you been together? Do you feel like you have grown apart, even before your baby was born? I would definitely try to talk to him again and maybe even go to see a marriage counselor, eventhough, he sounds like someone who probably wouldn't want to do that. If none of that works, then divorce is probably the right answer. You sound like a wonderful mommy and wife, and you deserve to be happy! Good luck to you and I know that everything will work out for the best.

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M.M.

answers from Seattle on

Find out if he will go see a counselor with you. My hubby and I had to in order to get the chore stuff worked out. Find out what he wants out of your marriage and relationship. It sounds like you and he want different things. If he really does not do anything for you or his daughter and is not willing to change, you have to ask yourself what would be best for your daughter and for you. Would it be good for her to continue to grown up without her dad and have her mommy be so sad? Also, young as she is, she can feel the bad atmosphere in your home with her mommy and daddy fighting all of the time. Try as hard as you can to make your home a peaceful place for her to grow. Having said that, you also must have a home where there is respect for everyone and it sounds like daddy is not respecting baby or you by refusing to do anything. Maybe he and you can think of things that he can do that you will be happy with the way he does it and that he can do with baby even though she is so young. They are sooo fun to play with at that age! Does he know he is missing out on her life and he can never get it back? God bless you and I hope that he will go to counseling with you. Counseling really opened my hubby's and my eyes about things.

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M.W.

answers from Portland on

I'm so sorry that your husband and daughters father is acting like a child. If he is not willing to change his ways and help you out around the house then it seems you and your daughter would be better off not living with him. If you decided to divorce your daughter could still have visitation with her father if that is what you and he wanted.

Good luck and I hope things get better for you both.

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V.T.

answers from Anchorage on

I know women who have the same problem. I used to work with a woman who's husband did the same thing. She put up with it for 10 years and then realized he was never going to change. I would recommend counseling before jumping into divorce. Maybe if you have an outside party helping work out the problems, he won't be telling you that you are overreacting or just nagging. But if he isn't going to do his part and you aren't happy, don't stay together just for your daughter. I am not a big supporter of divorce, but I am a child of divorce. I am glad that my mother left my father when she did b/c I know that we would not have been a happy family if they would have stayed together. Just b/c you want her father in her life, it doesn't mean that it is the best thing for her or healthy for her to have parents that are fighting all the time and resenting each other. You can still have him in her life without you guys being married. My father was still a part of my life. It also doesn't set a very good example for her on how a marriage should work and how she should be treated by her husband. I hope everything works out for you guys though. I will pray for you!

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J.B.

answers from Seattle on

It sounds like your husband needs someone to teach him how to be a man. Do you have a church home? That's the best place I can think of to find a group of men who know how to maintain marriage and family and who want to reach out to young men and help them learn. It might be tricky getting your husband to church (given his attitude), but even if he doesn't go, you'll get more of the support you need from your church body.

I'll be praying for you. What a rotten situation.

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C.B.

answers from Seattle on

Have you tried counseling or suggested it? That should be your first step. If he is not willing then I hate to say it probably is time for a divorce. You are already living like a single parent. If he is not willing to help out in any way and starts arguing with you when you try to discuss it all it will do is get worse. You don't want your daughter growing up in that type of environment. As for his video game obsession, that sounds like a serious problem too. It might be an escape mechinism for him. Maybe he can't cope with the responsibilities of being a husband and father. Try going out for dinner or a quiet setting away from home and your daughter and try to calmly discuss everything with him. Maybe if he really realizes how unhappy you are he might try to make more of an effort. Good luck and know that there are people cheering for you.

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T.O.

answers from Seattle on

It sounds like he isn't very motivated. Or very mature. As far as not changing your daughter, my husband was great at changing my boys diapers, but not our daughter. He felt like he didn't know how to clean her correctly and it is more evasive than cleaning up boys.

It sounds like you talk and he makes excuses. Have you tried telling him that you want to have a partnership and spend your lives raising your daughter together. Sometimes people that hear the same things over and over start to just tune us out or continue to use a standard reply.

If you ask and he makes an excuse you take care of it. He knows you will and has a perfecct situation so why change?

It sounds like you need a heart to heart and a schedule where you both do things around the house.

Good look.

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T.D.

answers from Portland on

I'm sorry but I'm going to be completely honest, You need to tell him to grow up, be a father and husband, get a job,that you are not his mother, and if he can't do these things you and your daughter are better off w/o him. I know the truth hurts, but he is a child not a husband or a father.

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K.L.

answers from Yakima on

Hi D.,

Love, I had one of those too. The only difference is he actually had a job... kinda. Seek counseling. Ask him to go too. I know a good one if you decide to try it. The counselor should help you walk through what you need to do to get in a better place. For me, that meant moving on. Letting him slip down his own slippery slope without me. He's actually done a lot of growing up in the process but not enough for me to want to stay married with him. You have to tick off the positives and the negatives. For me, I had to realize he wasn't supporting me spiritually, emotionally, physically, or financially. If he was not helping me in anyway, why was I still there? I was afraid to take the first steps and counseling helped with that. But as I made them, I felt oh so much better. I've got two kids, a 7 yo girl, and a 2.5 yo boy. Both of them miss their Dad but when he visits, he's the best Dad in the world because he truly wants to see them. They don't have to live with the constant rebuffing he did any more. That pain is gone from their lives. There is a great book called Mom's house, Dad's house that can really help you navigate this very painful ground. Don't waste anymore of your life waiting for him to change. Do what you need to do to be in a better place mentally and if he chooses to improve, then great, if not. Well, your path will be clearer then.

Peace be with you,
K.

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J.W.

answers from Spokane on

Maybe it's time to ditch the computer, and the games. If he doesn't straigten up and start acting like a father, tell him, it's either you or the games, ,that will be gone. And stick with it. You need a father for that baby and he sure isnt' fitting the bill. I can understand your fusteration. I have a pc, and even tho I do use it alot, my kids come first, always have and always will. I take them to apt's, I pick them up at school, my hubby' helps me alot, sometimes too much! You need to talk to him, or get him help, or get him out of your life. He is doing neither of you any good sitting at the computer that long. That is very childish of him, and stupid. He must have issues of his own to deal with he wants to ignore, rather than fix, and that's why he's not helping out. He sounds lazy and I am sorry he is not helping you more. Get him some help, and in the mean time, ditch that darn computer, and get him help. It's the only way. If he wants the pc, tell him to go out the door with it! And dont' come back till he can grow up! Kids come first with both parents, not just you doing all the work.

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A.H.

answers from Portland on

This seems like a question that you already know the answer to. If he's unwilling to get some VERY serious counciling then you need to move on ASAP. Perhaps you could go live with your parents for a while? Unfortunately it seems that you married a little boy, not a man. Your daughter deserves better. Good luck with this, it's a tough situation.

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B.H.

answers from Seattle on

No offense girl but it sounds like you should give your husband a big kick in the butt, You and your daughter dererve way more than that.
You need to let him know that this is unnacceptable and he needs to work at improving, or get out.........
Harsh, but reality.

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J.R.

answers from Portland on

I understand,
and here is what you must think of.

What is it that you would like for your daughter?
thing's are not going to get better with the boy you are with.
I say boy beacuse that is what he is.
No man will sit around doing nothing.
Real men go to work and suport their families.

you knew how he was before you had the baby with him?
Why do girl's think that the guy will change?

Honey you need help, that's the truth.
If your not Married you have it good,
your baby need's mom right now but she will need a dad very soon, and you must think of that frist, put your babies needs befor anything.

I don't know how you are leaving, if the boy you are with dose not have a job.
or maybe you are just down right rich? so if you'er not rich

you need to make some changes let him go, tell him to get out, until he can grow up and start taking on some respunsbility's.
Be careful if he has a temper get some help and if you really believe in your heavenly Fater then go to him ask him pray for help and the right things that you should do?

Well girl, it's time you just be a good mom
love you little one hold her teach her the right way and how to make the right choice.
Chose the Right read to her, love her, feed her, you change her, sing to her, you seround her with, your love and the love that God has for the both of you. There are very good guy's out in this world ready to be a good man, maybe you have one maybe not, only you really know that. and only you can be the one to make the change that is needed in your lives.
I would tell my daughter if she came to me with a broken heart, It dose not get better unless you make it better your slef, boy's are boy's and men are men.
and if they are still wantting to be a boy you will not
change that. the boy has want to make that change for him self. They have to know that for their selves. I would also ask her are you stronge enough because it will be a beattle if you think that you are going to change him.
Can you be the mom that your baby needs and be a mom to a boy that has had he's turn and made up he;s mind that he dose not want to grow up? look at the storie of
Peter Pan no matter how much Windy loved Peter Pan
and Peter Pan was nice to Windy he never gave more than a kiss
so maybe a kiss is enough for you but if not. pray and do what is right for you and you baby. Let that boy grow up and let him find out what is really important.
That's what I would tell my daughter if she came to me.
oh and love her. hope something I said is of some kind of use to you.

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M.H.

answers from Seattle on

Hello D.,

You've sure gotten a lot of responses. I'm curious...how do you pay your bills?

Wishing you a better life then what you wrote about.

M.

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T.J.

answers from Portland on

You say that you do not want your child growing up without a father. In my opinion, she IS growing up without a father. Simply sharing an address is not parenting. He should seek counseling for his addiction, but I doubt he will consider it. Bottom line, without your financial help, he cannot continue this lifestyle. You actually are in charge here. I would invite him to consider his choices as you sell the computer to pay his share of the rent. Drastic, yes. But if something dones not change drastically, this WILL be your life for the rest of your life. Good luck. This is a very tough situation. I wish you the best.

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W.C.

answers from Seattle on

I am sorry that you are going through this. I have been there and done that. Don't do that any more.

My particular solution was a divorce. And I ended doing it all any way. But it was on my schedule for my own self, and for my own reasons. But you have to think hard and long about it. It was not easy. It was very, very hard. Don't let anyone tell you it was better. Both solutions are hard--just a different kind of hard.

I personally think his behavior sounds like he is very depressed about loosing his job. But that is not a excuse for how he is treating you. You and your daughter are the most important people in his life.

Why don't you take a long vacation and visit your mom or a friend out of town so he can see what life is like without you. Don't threaten him with leaving him, just tell him you are in need of a change.

Your house will be a mess when you get back, so expect that. Don't expect miracles. Just go for a change and a chance to think.

PS husbands never do 50%

Good luck. I hope the best for you.

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B.D.

answers from Richland on

Maybe you need to talk to Dr. Laura.

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