Husband Lying About Smoking

Can I ask a few clarifying questions?

- did he come clean to you (you say you discovered this weekend that.....etc)

- What else has he lied about, if anything?

- Just to be clear, you feel you will "hate" this man and don't want to stay with him because he lied to you about smoking again? (I really feel like there must be more to this story). I guess it is just hard for me to imagine hating my husband after he made a mistake. Not saying it is not a big mistake (that he lied), I just feel there must be someplace deeper this "hate" is coming from.

Hmmm, as a former smoker yourself, I would think you would have great patience and complete understanding of what he's going through.

Guess not, huh?

:)

"everyone talks about how to confront and forgive, but I don't really want to. "

"He begs for forgiveness and says he'll do whatever it takes but I don't want to forgive him, don't want to stay together."

"how to confront and forgive, but I don't really want to."

"I know myself and I will resent him and seethe with anger."

"I am angry, not overly emotional, and I always swore (and told him repeatedly) I'd never forgive this kind of behavior so I feel like I am ready to close the wound and move onto a less flexible life as a single mom."

"I loved him with all my heart, but the person I loved wouldn't have done this so …"
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These quotes were JUST in the update.

Here is what I am reading. The smoking is a great excuse to get out of a marriage, YOU do not want to be in and I am going to guess it this feeling and want has been going on for a long time and you just have been to chicken to admit it and do it yourself.

.. And what a perfect way to make it all his fault.

Take ownership of your true feelings. Your true needs. Even if you come off as a weak and a selfish insecure woman. There is nothing wrong with admitting you are not perfect and you do not love your husband and do not want to be with him anymore. Admit any guilty feelings, but quit wasting everybody else's time.

You can deny and say that this is all of his fault, but it is so clear from your post, that you do not love him romantically and you want to be single.

But you are too weak in character to just say it and take the backlash you feel will happen when people realize YOU are the one that does not WANT to work on this marriage.

But guess what. YOUR children know. They are there every day and they know that mom is not happy, that dad is having to hide from her, because she is always looking for a confrontation. What are you teaching them?

I am a child of divorce and I also could see through my parents. I was thrilled when they finally said they were getting divorced, because I hated being stressed around them. Waiting for the next yelling match or the silent treatment. They just did not love each other any more.

So quit wasting everybody's time. Be honest and take what comes. You are a grown up woman and if you do not want to do the work to try to find the love and respect you used to have for your husband. Take ownership of it and say it to him, say it your therapist, say it to your parents, and then say it to your children. They all deserve to know what the heck has been going on in their lives.

They deserve peace in their home instead of chaos.

If you are ready to leave him over sneaking in some smokes your marriage has far greater issues than you are willing to admit. If your marriage means so little to you that you would leave over smoking than he may be better off without you. Most good spouses want to help their loved one when they learn of an addiction, not abandoned them. He did lie, yes, but more than likely because he was ashamed of his weakness and addiction. I could not imagine breaking up my family and damaging my kids over something so trivial.

He's smoking because something is bothering him. He lied because he's ashamed of himself. So the man you commited yourself to for better or worse is both stressed out and ashamed. Have you tried being sympathetic?

Ill be brutal, ive got no problem doing so.

You want to leave your husband because he smokes? That is wrong. When you married him he was a smoker and so were you. You cant change the game now. So what if you guys quit together? You would divorce the father of your children because he has less will power than you?

I get the feeling that you are probably over-bearing and cynical. I get the feeling that this is why he feels the need to keep it a secret.

He is wrong for lying and for smoking (these two are the same betrayal and not really separate) this isnt really divorce worthy though. If this is your only bullet point for calling it quits YOU are the one with the problem. Our spouses are not/will never be perfect and need a little understanding, some adult discussions and compromise.

Hes a grown man and should be treated like one.

***by the way, i totally know where you are coming from also, i quit three years ago along with my husband, he has since resumed his habit and i will never smoke again. He was trying to hide it from me, his shame and not wanting to be seen as weak came into play big time. he was afraid i wouldnt be understanding, but i know the force cigarettes can have, i smoked for 14 years and have the knowledge that can make me summon up my empathy. never would leaving my husband even enter my mind over this. I cant fathom your reasoning.

Wow, if him sneaking to smoke (out of respect for you) is a total deal breaker then I would suspect you have bigger issues with him. I hate to see young families get divorced. My husband doesnt smoke and has watched me quit and be a psycho while trying over and over. He hates it, but he wouldnt leave me due to it.
What do you tell your kids? I left your dad because he smoked cigarettes? That just doesnt seem like enough of an explanation and could cause resentments towards you from your kids later when they miss out on so much that a "whole" family wouldnt be missing out on. If your kids turn out to be smokers later, they will NEVER understand that you left their dad because he was a smoker. If he was smoking CRACK I definitely would say RUN, but not for tobacco, not in this day and age. Cigarettes keep a lot of people off of anti depressant meds. It's a medicator just like all of the other drugs they talk about on TV and it has it's side effects just like ALL of the other drugs they try to shove down our throats on TV. He is not smoking in front of you and the kids... except apparently for a recent slip up in the car for some reason.
I'm not trying to defend him or smokers, but I just think you might be a little irrational about it. jmo

Wow, really? You are willing to throw away a family/marriage because your husband has been sneak smoking? I'm sure there must be much more to this than what I'm getting from it. And don't get me wrong...I totally understand the not trusting/hating lying...I have an ex because of this exact thing. But I would just sit him down and say look, this is really a deal breaker for me and I'm ready to call it quits....how can I ever trust you about ANYTHING when you are lying to me? See where he stands, if he's willing to quit smoking, get counceling for other issues (and I think you should too) and see if you guys can work this out. It is NOT in the kids best interest to break up their family. Good luck.

You're going to divorce your husband for smoking?? I'm guessing that he lied because of the way you're reacting. If he must smoke, perhaps he can agree to cut down and attempt to quit. Sounds like this year has been stressful. Is he smoking due to stress or is telling you the truth making him stressed out?

Lying is bad, I know. But it's only about smoking. It's not like he bought a Porche without telling you.

You need to sit down and talk. Tell him that you are very hurt by his bold-faced lying and that you'd like him to quit. And to promise never to smoke in front of the kids. Face it, you can't make him stop, but you can make him not smoke around you.

Is there more to this story? Seems like he might not be telling the truth about more than just smoking. One lie (or set of lies on the same subject) is not worth divorcing over.

You mentioned him getting some therapy. I think you should get some for yourself, too. Why is this making you THAT upset than you can't eventually move forward and forgive. Do you miss smoking and are mad that he has started again and you can't? I'd understand that since I am a former (big time) smoker. I'd look at the whole picture. I think that you getting a divorce is WAY WORSE for you kids than having a dad who smokes.

Good luck!

My husband quit smoking because it was a deal to have a baby. The baby is now 9. DH had quit for 2 years, and then started smoking when my daughter was critically ill. It took him several years to stop again. Then started back up, then stop. Now, he smokes 3-6 per day. Never in MY car (but he does in his truck) - Never in the house, and I've asked him to not smoke in front of the 9 year old, who idolizes his dad. I've begged, pleaded, cried, nagged, checked up on, berated, yelled at, guilted, etc... It doesn't work. It would tear me up inside knowing what he was doing to his body. But when I finally got to the point where I really let it be HIS problem and not mine, I reached peace. As long as he honors my requests of not in the house, my car or in front of the boy - it is no longer my issue. He is an adult, and responsible for himself.

Just imagine standing up in divorce court:
"Yes, your honor, I want a divorce because he....he....smoked cigarettes and then lied about it!"

I urge you to step back and gain a little perspective. Like most of the other posters, I can see that there's more to it than lying about smoking. Those are the issues to be addressed here. Lying about smoking wasn't great, sure, but nobody's perfect. But there seem to be bigger things to talk about. Good luck. And congratulations on staying quit yourself.

Obviously I dont know if there is additional background that has caused you to use the word "hate" Though I feel there must be something more here.

For me marriage is one of unconditional love. This does not mean accept his lying but it means to step back and try to see things from his point of view. Talk to him. Work it out. Why did he start smoking again? Why did he lie to you about it? Did he feel embarassed or less of a man because he was weaker than you? Marriage is for better or worse.....that means you work through each other better/worse times through life. I know that you feel terribly betrayed and that is valid but in the scheme of life and how quickly it can slip away from us, this alone is overcomeable.

So you're saying that you're willing to hold onto this and stay angry, not move past this, not accept his apologies, not accept his efforts to stop smoking, not figure out why he felt he had to lie (when actually it's kind of obvious considering your reaction)? People lie. When and why matters. Your husband is not an island and he didn't do this in a vacuum. Especially if he doesn't lie habitually (about other things).

I can't abide smoking or lying either, but honestly, even I can see that smoking is an addiction. Socially, emotionally, physically an addiction. And presumably when you made your wedding vows you promised "for better and worse, in sickness and in health..." Guess what? This is "in sickness."

I think if you don't try to work this out and make an effort to be forgiving and loving, you're going to regret it. You're not giving your children a very good example of how to work things out in a healthy way. You're teaching them that lying and making a mistake is completely unforgivable. And they won't blame daddy for the marriage breaking up.

I don't see that he's lying to hurt you. He's probably ashamed about smoking again and he's afraid of what you would do if you found out .. like reject him and want a divorce.

Did your therapist recommend you ask for other people's opinions because she hasn't been able to get through to you that you are over reacting? Because to me, your husband has a bad habit that can be overcome, but you are treating him as if he has committed the unforgiveable sin.

I can see how you feel betrayed by your husband. It's more than just the smoking, it's the lying and not trusting you with whatever is going on in his life. However, with that being said, smoking in an addiction as you know and have struggled with. Something is going on with him that is causing him to seek relief in the form of nicotine to alleviate feelings of anxiety or inadequacy. Because it is so raw and new, try not to make any rash decisions. Chances are, he's experiencing some depression. See if you can get into some counseling together or separate.

I remember as a child thinking "if my parents really loved me they would give up smoking." After learning more about addiction and the physical and mental dependence I understand why that thinking in flawed and naive. My mom quit 4 years ago using Chantix. My dad has quit numerous times only to go back to it. I know it really hurts my mom that he continues to smoke, but the person who smokes has to be the one to choose to quit. Do try to show your husband some empathy. Were the shoe on the other foot and you were struggling, how would you want to be treated? Good luck.

If you really hate him then maybe you do need a divorce. You say you are really angry and not overly emotional. Anger comes from disappointment and hurt. You just haven't gotten to that stage yet or maybe your defense mechanism is anger and that it your normal response. I am really not defending your husband at all but when you wonder why he could do this to you and how he could ever lie to you, look at your reaction. You want to divorce him now. That is a pretty extreme response. He obviously knows you well enough to know that your response would be this extreme and that is why he lied. Again, not defending him, just explaining why he lied.

I guess I would think about what your lives would be like without him in it as a husband and father. Also think this through and try to determine if you might regret ending a marriage over this issue when your anger lessens.

Is there really much more to it and this is just the straw that broke the camel's back or is it really this simple that he smokes and lied about it? Maybe you are looking for a way out and haven't even admitted that to yourself?? I don't know these are just guesses and trying to help you think it through. What ever you do, don't do it now. Give yourself time to calm down and think.

I am with you about the lying! It is my one 'big' No-No...I can't stand it and in almost every situation it is not necessary...and can cause so much harm and break trust like no other...

But with that being said, we are all human Abigail...and we all make mistakes. I would be very disappointed in my husband if he lied to me like this but I love him as a person with all my heart...I would not be able to cut him loose over such a thing as lying about smoking, but that's just me!

You state at the end that you do not want to have your kids grow up seeing their parents 'hate' each other...Do you truly 'HATE' him?? If the answer is yes, then by all means cut him loose and move on...could it be that you guys have issues other than the lying about smoking and this is just the straw that broke the camel's back??

For me, this seems like a minor issue and I would absolutely NOT break up my family over this...especially if he is acknowledging that he is wrong and is apologetic! I think of my husband as my best friend AND I need him as much as I want him AND I know my kids need him even more than I do...I would never give him up over an issue such as this...further more, I would only hope and pray that my husband would forgive me if I faltered in such a manor and that he would not so easily toss me aside and be done with me.

Search your heart sweetie and search it good! Only you know the ends and outs of your relationship and what it can and can not survive.

Wishing you and yours only the best! I hope this helped...some, even if it was just a little.

You say you don't even want to forgive him....why? I agree that lying is wrong in a marriage, but it sounds like you're just LOOKING for a reason to divorce your husband.

I personally could NEVER leave my husband, the father of my children, my best friend, because he lied about doing something like smoking (cheating? maybe). It just seem like such an extreme reaction to me....and is probably the *reason* he lied to you - he must have known that this is the way you'd react. I understand you're hurt and upset; you feel betrayed and made a fool of. I get it. But to just throw away your family over it? Won't you consider councelling first?

If you do decide to call it quits now, you're going to have to tell your children one day that "I left Daddy because he lied about smoking". Are you really prepared to do that? Personally, that sounds awfully frivolous.

Lying is bad, I don't care for smoking because I had three grandparents die of smoking related illnesses but you are ready to give up your marriage (and probably seeing your very young children 50% of the time) over smoking? He sounds like he wants to do the right thing and keep his family together. There has to be way more to this to give up on a marriage with two kids under three and one on the way. There are way bigger issues to break up a marriage, I don't think this is one of them.

Updated

Lying is bad, I don't care for smoking because I had three grandparents die of smoking related illnesses but you are ready to give up your marriage (and probably seeing your very young children 50% of the time) over smoking? He sounds like he wants to do the right thing and keep his family together. There has to be way more to this to give up on a marriage with two kids under three and one on the way. There are way bigger issues to break up a marriage, I don't think this is one of them.

of course, smoking is bad. (i quit almost 2 years ago) and LYING is worse. i totally get it. but honestly, if you are willing to divorce a man because of this, then i can't help but think you will never be happy. there is no perfect person or relationship, and EVERYONE will let you down, eventually. it's just a fact. you say you don't even want to try to forgive him and fix this. granted there are lots of things we are missing, but to me that says that you are hanging on to this. no one is perfect. this isn't cheating on you, it isn't being violent. it's a nasty selfish habit that is addictive. maybe i'm just more against divorce than you seem to be. it is worrisome to me that you are willing to split up your family (and yes, to your credit, you don't seem angry or irrational at all - it's almost worse that you are cool, calm, and collected about this very huge decision)

ps, my biggest hangup on this would be doing it around the kids. i suggest a truce - you let it go, IF he keeps it away from you and the kids, PERIOD. no exceptions. and then stick to your end of it. in the end, (although, of COURSE, it involves you as well), endangering his own health is a different thing than doing around his kids and endangering theirs as well. there has to be some room for compromise. and maybe if you're willing to give just a little, he will be too?

For smoking? there has GOT to be more to this story.

Sure, he lied! I would be furious too- and with the kids there- livid! But, he was just smoking cigarettes, and yeah they are deadly and so forth... but he isn't exactly having an affair!

Have you considered that even if you quit together- you both were fighting separate addictions, and he probably started smoking in a moment of weakness. Was "we shall not smoke" part of your marriage vows? If I thought my husband would react the way you are reacting if I "relapsed" into smoking again there is NO way I would tell him until there was absolutely no other choice! You obviously have no room in your heart for him to be forgiven, so seeking support and forgiveness would be a lost cause!

He is human... what he did was wrong. If you really cannot confront him and work through this... I am sorry for both of you! What if one of your children started smoking in teenagehood and adulthood? Will you be able to love them beyond it!? You have to! of course you would be dissapointed, upset, worried... but you forgive them because they are human.

This is a bump in the road for your marriage, and for you maybe it is a boulder too. BUT, I would really think about this? Have you caused the circumstances in your marriage where he feels that he CANNOT have faults without losing your love? What precedent does that set for your children. Perhaps there is a lot more to the story that I haven't heard... but if it really is JUST the smoking and lying about it... maybe it would be worthwhile for you guys to seriously try to work this out! Go if there really is nothing left to fight about in this marriage- but stay a little longer if you feel like maybe you still have the makings of a good marriage once you find a road to get around this boulder!

Good Luck!
-M.

He's smoking, not cheating on you!!! Geesh lady, sure hope you don't go back to smoking, although I'm sure your husband would love to see you eating some crow!!

It sounds like you're going through a tough time right now. This sounds more like a straw that broke the camel's back situation rather than a brand new issue by itself. I agree with you that lying about it is a problem, because a lie is a lie, doesn't matter if it's about smoking, stealing, or snatching a cookie from the jar. Maybe you feel so strongly about this because you have already declared your opinion on that behavior? I personally am of the mind that smoking is one of the worst things a person can do to themselves. It's horrible that your husband does it in front of the kids, since second-hand smoke is so bad also. However, think about far in the future, if you DID leave him over this. Don't you think that road would be more bumpy? Divorces can be ugly, but the kids are the ones who will ultimately suffer the most from it. That being said, if you truly do hate him, then a divorce might be the better option. Since you're seeing a therapist already, I'd discuss it more with him/her and your husband. Maybe your husband could come with you to a session to talk things over? I hope you're able to figure things out.

Wow
I think I was in the same boat as you I discovered when i was 8 months pregnant that my husband (now my ex) just decided to start smoking. He tried to hide it lied etc..I confronted him and he said he only did it a little and would quit. My issue was.... Why start? at age 38? huh? especially if you have an addictive personality ( get addicted easily) your family has a huge history of heart disease? You have a growing family to care for? You know its bad for you- you bad mouth your stepfather for smoking?
I WAS BEYOND PISSED!
i thought (like you) if you are stressing etc lets see if there are other ways you can find to deal with it. Why lie? it's so obvious that your reek like smoke I know you are lying?
Well it turned out to a greater symptom of distress in our marriage- loss of trust from me loss of respect etc. I told my ex that if he had asked me before we got married what things he could do that I would have a Major issue with he did 2 out of 3 of them- He picked up smoking at 38, he gained 60 lbs (don't hate me I am a former bulimic I have weight issues and he knew that !) number 3 would have been cheating.. I'm rambling

I did turn the other cheek let it ride- (we had moved i was pregnant , had no job wasn't near my family etc) ..But all it did was build seething resentment and as soon as that baby hit school- I was outa there after tons of distress etc.

Maybe if I had nipped it in the bud right away and went to marriage counseling and we each committed to a lot of workin the relationship, things might have been different.

Is there a way you can maybe spend some time apart and allow yourself to reevaluate ?
Good luck I don't have any great advice. Bit if you do leave life will be HARD! harder that it is now..

Why is he lying about it? What else is he lying about? The fact that he is doing this in your car and in front of your kids shows a certain disrespect for thier health and yours. Those are the issues I would have the most problems with. Beyond that, I would say that you need counselling to find out why he disrespects you so much and feels the need to lie to you. Then, if you do leave him, you will know you did all you could, but hopefully there can be compromises made for the sake of you and your kids.

a lie is a LIE!---But that said what he lied about could be worse... Like another women, drugs, drinking, so on and so on! I would step back and try to forgive.. forgivness is a very inportant in life. You will have to forgive more that once in life, If your not the forgiving kind I could understand. BUT, Thats a lonely life to think you wont ever have to forgive someone. NOW, If theres more to the story that you have not shared, Then only you know the right thing to do.