Husband Is Buying a Motorcycle Period

Updated on May 13, 2017
A.C. asks from Lebanon, OR
13 answers

Okay, so you can read through all of my previous questions to get a feel for my life. Not much has changed despite really trying some of the suggestions from the mom's on here. On top of it all, my husband wants to buy a motorcycle. And, I should change wants to is. He's made up in his mind that he's buying this motorcycle with his all of his spending money and doesn't care what I think. He didn't ask for my opinion and I just stayed out of it. I don't think it's a wise choice, but it's not up to me.

I don't know what brought this on. Lately he has been very I will do it only if I want to do it about everything. I asked for his help folding clothes and he just walked passed them. Later he said I hears you, but I just didn't feel like doing it. He tells me what he is going to do, he doesn't ask my opinion or even care what my thoughts are. I don't know what happened. And the sad thing is everyone I know is on his side, my family included.

They believe that his responsibility is to work and mine is to take care of the house and everything that goes with it and the kids. No one gives me any kind of credit for my business and how hard it is to run it with two kids in tow. One day I'm told to just let it go and the next I'm told to get my butt in gear. Then everyone tells me that I need to look up ways to manage my responsibilities because he manages his. I'm not buying a motorcycle!!! I have never taken a day off from my kids. I don't go to anything that is not directly connected to my roll as a mom. I mean I even take and do work with my kids under my feet. Yes, my house is not flawless ever day, but it's not filthy. I never just sit and do something for me that is not directly connected to work or family. I never signed up to be a maid for everyone. My husband is a grown man. Why is it so hard for him to help fold his laundry or put his dishes in the sink or put his dirty clothes in the hamper or make his side of the bed? Why is that my responsibility? I brought my financial side to the marriage which was equivalent to me working a full time job. I'm just so fed up!

Any solutions that don't involve divorce? Not an option at this point. We have tried talking and he won't do counseling. I don't want to go to a counselor because it would have to come out of my spending money and I'm saving it for our family vacation. Thank you!

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So What Happened?

I came off as a codependent person, when all I really want is to be a team in this thing called marriage. I have been called a lot of things but, I assure you, codependent is not one of them. Anyway, husband isn't buying the motorcycle, which one of you were right. It was never about the motorcycle. Thanks for the advice.

Featured Answers

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Since he knows you won't leave why should he change? If you keep cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, doing his laundry, paying bills and, I assume, sleep with him, nothing will change. Good luck with that.

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E.J.

answers from Chicago on

This is gonna be direct, sorry.

You keep spewing the same script.
You make yourself helpless.
You accept everyone else's limitations, while continuing to have high, unachievable expectations of yourself.

You criticize and find failure in any recommendations given to change your situation, so that you don't have to change it.

It really sounds like codependency, and yes YOU need to see a therapist.
But like most codependents, you will decide NOT to put your needs first and you won't go, which will, as mentioned, keep you spewing the same script.

"That's the problem with putting others first, you've taught them to put you last"

Stop trying to change others, and change yourself.

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B.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

From your SWH it sounds like you have it all figured out, so why ask us?

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G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

This isn't about money or laundry or even the motorcycle. This is about the fact that you feel like all you do is work and your husband gets to play - that you save every cent for a family vacation and he gets to play with his money. You feel unappreciated and completely taken for granted.

I'm guessing you would like to see him pick up some of the household chores and contribute more financially. I'm not sure what you have said or done in the past to make this happen, but right now you are feeling hopeless - things are never going to change.

You need to talk to someone about this. You may have a degree on counseling and in psychology, but that really just allows you to look at someone else's situation and make observations. It doesn't really give you the ability to look at your own self and your own situation. You need an outside perspective. If you can't pay an counselor, talk to a priest or minister or rabbi. You need someone who can listen to you and help you gain insight into your own situation.

Remember, you can't change anyone else. You can only change you. But, you might be able to make changes that will inspire your husband to rethink things and make some changes himself. If nothing else, you will regain some power and realize that you do have control over your own life.

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

Your husband is buying a motorcycle because he can, and because you've enabled this behavior for years. He's selfish, he sees laundry as "helping" as opposed to "parenting" or "being a partner." You have no help or support from anyone.

I wrote you a long response to your January question. Have you done any of those things?

Nothing will get better if you don't change they way you do things. The definition of "insanity" is "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

My advice now, as then, is to stop defining yourself by your role as a mom. You can't do this on your own. Go to counseling without him. And leave him for that hour with the kids and the dirty laundry! Stop talking about it, stop enabling him, stop doing things the same way. There are plenty of drastic things you can do far short of divorce. Learn how, with a counselor.

ETA: I see your update that you cannot afford counseling at $100 an hour plus babysitting at $12 an hour. But he has money for a motorcycle and you can't say a word because "it's his spending money"??? Why is this HIS money when there are family health needs? Your business is in a slow season but he has his own fun money??? There's something really wrong with this picture and with the arrangement you two have about division of funds. I don't know how much a motorcycle, helmet, insurance, registration and so on cost, but I'll bet it pays for a boatload of counseling! And skip the thing about him doing things to your "standards" - if the kids are alive when you get back, it's fine. So what if people help him? He'll realize how hard it is.

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K.M.

answers from New York on

I'm with the ladies who are pushing counseling! Forget the family vacation!!! Your husband sucks! You're not in a marriage! My husband has been the breadwinner for 12 years--and always made more money than me when I did work. We discuss every major purchase! We are 100% on the same page with finances. I know you think divorce and day care seem like the worse options, but they're not. You being happy should be a #1 priority!! Have you looked for counseling options at a church or woman's shelter--they may be less costly.Hugs!

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D..

answers from Miami on

Stop saving your money for a family vacation. Start saving for when you finallly do decide to leave him. Or for when he dies in a motorcycle accident.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. I hope there's a life insurance policy on him. I also hope that if you two end up on the bad end of the upcoming medical insurance fiasco that is likely going to negatively affect everyone who isn't wealthy, that you will not end up losing everything because of a motorcycle accident.

If he doesn't want to use his spending money for a family vacation, so be it. Stop telling him anything about your spending money. Get a bank security box and put cash in it. That way you don't have to declare your money on taxes. It's not like you'd get much bank interest on it anyway.

Stop talking about or listening to ANYONE, his family, your family about the house. If they open their big mouths about it, say "I don't want to hear your opinion." If he fusses about the house, walk past him into another room. Don't engage. Do as much as you are willing to, and NO MORE.

And find yourself something to do aside from family! You do not have to just be a mom! In fact, you had better do something other than this, because your kids are learning that a woman is nothing more than an extension of her family. And you do not want history repeating itself.

Later, if your husband hasn't changed his tune, when you DO have some choice, then maybe you might leave when the kids are out of the house. Keep squirreling away your money. Don't use it for family.

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B.A.

answers from Columbus on

If divorce wouldn't destroy you financially and you could maintain the same standard of living as a single parent, would you want to remain married to him? I ask simply because I'm curious what your level of commitment to the relationship is. Do you want to be married? Or are you only married because you have to be?

The reason that he won't help around the house is because you've enabled him. You say that you never do anything that isn't connected to your job or your family. That's a problem. You're more than just a wife and a mother, but you've allowed those two roles to define you. You need to find a way to start doing things for yourself. Most communities have moms-day out programs. Most libraries have free children's programs-- you usually have to remain there with your child, but others keep your children engaged so you can talk with other parents or read a book. What about babysitting coops... you watch someone else's child and then they watch yours? You need to make it a priority to start researching these things.

It sounds like there's a lot of financial disparity in your relationship. He has enough spending money that he can save enough to buy a motorcycle, but you have to have a yard sale to be able to afford a vacation? How did that happen? Honestly, if things are that tight, I'd postpone the trip.

I also think you need to consider counseling by yourself so you can see your situation more clearly. I know that you have a degree in psychology and therefore you don't think that anyone can tell you something new. But I always thought that part of what counselors do is to help people see take an honest look at what is going on in their life. And you need that. We can all look at what you're telling us and see that you're contributing to the problem. I suspect that your family sees that also. You need to get to the point where you see that too. Because you can't change him. You can only change the way that you react, and that's only going to happen if you see the big picture.

Good luck!

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E.B.

answers from Honolulu on

A family vacation would certainly be nice, but an intact, loving, secure, stable family is much more valuable. See a counselor, and consider that financial investment just as important (more, actually) as a week at the beach or at a theme park.

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T.D.

answers from Springfield on

i coulda typed this same question but i am a sahm. and am reminded consistantly that its my job to clean up after everyone. i am teaching my kids to pick up after themselvs so i will not have to continue to do that. i am organizing things to make my work easier and if dh does not comply with a new system then he is sol. i will not do his laundry if he will not put it in the baskets. i will not do his dishes if they are not in the sink. (he leaves his tea mugs by his bedside and his clothing on the floor.) he is starting to learn that if things are not in a proper place then it will not get dealt with by me. he has started to bring the mugs to the sink and put dirty clothing in the hamper on his own. and without me saying anything.
What you should do is take a look at what you have to do, and find a way to make it easier. if he refuses to fold clothing then leave his unfolded but clean in the basket. when he complains remind him that you were nice enough to wash and dry it.
i would just say leave the bed unmade. and shut your bedroom door so you don't have to see it. it is just a bed and no one is going to shame you if its not made daily. (i also read somewhere that if you don't make your bed you give it a chance to air out your night sweat and such making your bed stay fresher longer)
for everything else, what can you make your kids do? they can learn at an early age to clean up after themselvs and as they get older they can take on more responsibilities. my 5 yr old is responsible for bottom rack of dishwasher, and sorting her clothing out of the mixed baskets. my 6 yr old does top rack of dishwasher, clears table to the sink, feeds the dogs and puts the clothing in the dressers. so teach your children responsibilities and you will have less to worry about and prioritize the rest, if its not important then let it slide.

for the issue of the motercycle. can he ride one? is he licensed to drive one? find a story of a grieving wife of a dead motorcyclist and read it to him.. tell him that you don't want to be like her and that you care enough to say no to this dangerous idea.

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K.G.

answers from Fort Myers on

Try counseling. Tell your husband you want to go to help save your marriage. About the bike - tell your husband that you trust him but not the other drivers. I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband having a motorcycle. Theres so many accidents.

If your husband won't at least listen to you and try marriage counseling - I would leave. Its not a healthy relationship. Don't stay for the kids sake, it may make it worse.

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I am going to push you on the counselling.

If your husband has a job, you have insurance. If you have insurance, it surely includes counselling. Call the number on the back of your insurance card and ask. Sometimes you have to schedule it through a different group (sometimes it's called the Life Solutions or Work-Life Balance program), but please do not dismiss this possibility until you have actually called your insurance company and asked them.

Many insurances cover a certain number of session totally, and then a copay after that. Even if you have a copay, it will be worth it. A vacation might be a short-term fix to making you happy, but you need something long term.

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Hire a maid and have some fun for yourself.
Every so often - get a baby sitter - and just go to a movie.
He's doing what he wants without asking you - you go do the same.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

I don't know how old the kids are but they can start to fold their own clothing - by 12 yrs old they can do their own laundry.
I'm not everyone's maid - and sometimes our son brings ME a drink or snack.
We all serve each other depending on who is up and who is busy.

Additional:
You seem to be painted into a corner.
What happens if your business fails?
At least take out a life insurance policy on your husband.
If he kills himself on that motorcycle, at least you'll be able to manage for awhile afterward.

Next question: Affording Marital Counseling