Husband help...please!!!

Hi J.,

My mother went through the same thing! She was the breadwinner of the family and she has 3 children to care for. (excluding me) She'd leave for work at 7 am and wouldn't come home until almost 9pm. My dad would be at the house all day not doing anything. My little brother and sister would come home and would be watching TV all day no lunch, no dinner, no homework, no clean dishes, no clean house, nothing. My mom would get home and would have to do everything my dad could've done. My dad would yell at my mom for being a bad mother for not being home to fix dinner, and giving baths etc; My mom ended up leaving my father, bought her a house. My father realized what he was messing up and went to counseling and slowly came back into her life and is sharing in all parenting and housework responsiblities! Good luck!

No 2 situations are the same. However, my advice is to find some personal time, with no kid, and nothing scheduled, to talk to each other. Pray about how God would have this situation resolved. Separation and Divorce does not sound like a viable option.

Take him out to dinner, or have him take you to dinner, make a date... then get home, and talk these things through. He may be feeling just as confused as you are.

Make the decisions to work or not work together. Weigh the pros and cons.

However, I caution, if the discussion becomes a fight, stop it. Say ok, this is counter-productive, lets stop talking about it now. Then resume at a later calmer time, when emotions have time to cool.

Try to make a list of your concerns prior to the discussion. That way you don't forget or get emotional about what you need to talk about.

That's the best I've got right now. My husband and I work full-time jobs, and have 2 children together. We also just took on raising his son (from a previous relationship)full-time. We have TONS of stressors on our relationship and decision making, but this is a process that he and I have employed for a few years now. It works, as long as the focus is on loving each other, providing for your family, and making a productive decision.

J.,
you are going to recevie alot of feedback, both positive and negative..take what you need and throw out the rest. Essentially men are brought up to provide for their famalies, yes mom may have made them wash a dish or two and take out the garbage, but his role by nature is to provide financially(sad but true),, try not to badger him or give attitude(trust me i;ll get to it in a minute)...once your a mother your a mother 24/7 no holidays, weeknds, evenings or anything..I am married with 3 children. when my husband and i first met i was working for verizon wireless a tech support rep. my sal was $35,000. my husband worked for bell south a service tech making $45,000. so we were almost making the same amount, we both had 1 child from a preveious marriage and they were the same age, we had nice cars, money in the bank out own aparment etc. when i got pregnant with my little girl he asked me the same thing about staying home,( i thought he was crazy why lose two incomes) anyway i did come around and i stayed home..so we worked on one budget and its been 3 years and a baby boy later..sometimes you have to sacrafice and do what you can...If you have family or friends dont be shy about asking for help...try doing things the day before(ex..making lunch and dinner for two days or preparing it early)..he will come around. if you do decide to stay home try preparing mentally and financially now.. try buying pampers now and wipes and t
shirts, they will come in handy later,,, try doing things like yall only have one income and see how that feels....it will work out keep god first and just relax your baby does feel your emotions....good luck and keep us posted..

I might have an answer for you. Have you ever heard of Melaluca products. It is a wellness company that has been around for 21 years. I work at home, when I want to! You can easily eaern $500 a month on minimum. It all depends on how much effort you want to put forth. Check out my website. There is no upfront investment, or inventory to ever buy. The products are things that I use and need every month. Anyway, I could go on and on. I love that I can stay at home with my 1 yr. old son. I am also planning on trying to have our second child and I plan to keep doing this. Here is the website:
www.themomteam.com/cgi-bin/mom.cgi?id=as495511&action...

I would just copy and paste that in your browser. I am working on getting a shorter name.hahaha

Anyway this may or may not work for you. I know that as a women I need to be with my child and I know that thats whats best for them too. Our place is in the home, thats usually where we flourish.

Hello J., I have a 7 1/2 month old and a 6 1/2 yr old. The husband thing I think is just an ordinary man I think. Don't let it stress you to badly. As far as a stay at home job. I work from home for a Wellness Company. I will be very honest with you, I have only been doing it for a month but I love it. If you think you will be interested check out my website below or email me and I will be delighted to call you and give you some wonderful information. You will need to copy and paste the web address to your browser.
http://www.stayinhomeandlovinit.com/cgi-bin/team.cgi?id=S...

You hubby is surely having issues with taking on the stress of providing for the family. Unfortunately, it sounds like you will need to continue to work until he can provide more income. You may introduce the idea of changing fields, or possibly teaching massage therapy. There are many upscale country clubs that he could work at during the day. He could also expand into personal traing, dietician, anything health related. He could go to a chiropractic office...these are all easy and more full time options. My husband is just as darn bad, if not worse. I took on a job and I don't get in till 3 or 4am. This morning SATURDAY, he refused to get up with our son. When I come home, the house is alway destroyed. I always cook dinner and have plenty of treats for them both before I leave. We went to a counselor for a while, and it help alot. He quite! I guess he got tired of having someone to almost always side with me. The best advice is #1: keep praying. #2: try and show him how hard it is for you to do even the little things (let him see you struggle) #3: don't wear yourself out to change sheets! you can do it tomorrow!!! #4: can you talk to his mom? Call her to come and give you a hand. tell her he is taking everything a bit hard, and you are out of fuel. she did it, and chances are his dad was the same way! If you get any good results...email me and let me know what you did!?!? They are hard to deal with at times! I will pray for your family, and that God will send options your way!

I know what you are going through. I have been there. I have not brought home most of the family income, but I have provided a chunk of it. I went to work two years after we had our first child. I went to my husband to talk about sharing the chores around the house since both of us worked. I am now a stay at home mom with two children. I do work by watching other children in my home and I do all the household chores, just because I am home all day. My husband always helps in some way even though he has worked all day. Whether it be clearing the table after supper or giving the kids a bath. It is harder when you are pregnant and you should not be around a lot of chemicals, cleaning supplies. I do think that he should pitch in. If he complains that the house is not done when he gets home, although he is home with your child all day, than I would be very upset as well. You are not super woman and we all need help with the chores and raising the children. It is something that you both have to compromise. I know this sounds a little crazy but make a chore list. Divide things up for both of you to do. Yes he may be under stress as well, but it is worst for you because you are pregnant. The less stress the better. I hope all works out.

Sounds like your husband is having trouble dealing with the change. By any chance is the sole topic of your house hold about what u all are gonna "have to do" when the baby gets here. My husband hated to hear the word baby all the time. From my experience men like to wait till the last minute, expecially when it comes to children. They like to "bide their time" till they really have to kick it into another gear. He's not likeing that you always say, "Can you do this for me babe, I cant do it with my belly". Some guys consider that as an excuse...others just have a hard time dealing with all these new things they have to suddenly start doing b/c you cant. Try laying off the baby talk and about what NEEDS to be done for a while and give him some slack. He's feeling just as much stress as you are and its not going to help anyone if you both just blow off how the other is feeling. Dont make ur decision until you HAVE to. Thinking about something you cant change right now is unessessary stress.So keep working till u need to do otherwise.

I am having the same problem with my husband.We have 2 boys(5 and 7)and I also work full-time 8:30-5:30pm M-F.My husband is a firefighter full-time, and is gone continiously with 24 hour shifts.I take care of everything;house,bills,kids,etc.He doesn't do anything but work.We just had an arguement last night about this,and as usual,we did not resolve anything.I'm exhausted from everything that has been piled on top of me because of his career choice.He is doing something he loves and that's all he cares about.It doesn't matter to him the sacrifice that I have to go through being "Wonderwoman" 7 days a week while he's gone.In general,men are very self-centered,work and money are their first priority.I think that women like us are taken for granted,and the only way that will change is if we stand up for ourselves like I have recently and tell our husband's how we really feel about everything whether it hurts or not,whether it causes seperation or not.My husband treats me like a machine;"Do this do that,why didn't you do this?", and I work full-time!My advice...if you really feel strongly about your situation,talk to him and tell him how you really feel.He will either surprise you or disappoint you,then make a decision if you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like him.Be strong.

Hi J.,

I didn't read any other responces so I'm going to say that in life we have make sacrifice. So what I think you should do is save you up some of your money until you have your baby. I guessing that your job will give you paid leave take that with the money you have saved up to take as much time as you can off. When you decide to go back to work put the kids in daycare and hire a part-time housekeeper. And while you are home on your leave your husband needs to find full-time work either at one place or two. And you both work until you can both agree. Because I don't think that it is fair for you to work all day while he's at home doing nothing and when you come home you got to clean up and you the that's having a baby. You should be able to come a relax after you done work all day and he home with his feet up wathing the stories. Because you didn't say if he was doing any work at home. I 'll pray for that everything works out. If not I'm like your friend drop that zero and get a hero there's always a great man out there that will raise his kids as their own they call'em STEP FATHERS.

I know that can be very difficult. My husband didn't use to do very much around the house and we had some huge fights about it. I think what changed is that I got sick and he had to do everything. When I got better he said "I don't know how you do it". I told him how hard it was and he strted helping more. I also have made one weekend morning a cleaning time. Each of us have the responsibility of part of the house to make it look good. While he does complain some about this, he knows we need to do it. I let him choose first which chores he is going to do from a list, then I chose from a list. I hope this helps, it took some arguing, but things are definitely better now. Also it does get easier when your kids get older... mine are both 4 now and it is easier than when they were babies. Good luck.

J.,

I totally understand your frustration. My husband used to give me gripe about working needing to work full time when I used to work part time. The opposite of what you are experiencing. He also when I was working part time didn't pitch in as much as he does now that I am working full time. There is no reason why your husband can't pitch in with the house work when he is home most of the time. We have a 2 1/2 year old son and a 7 year old son. I know how hectic things can get. But that doesn't mean cleaning can't be done. Your husband should especially want to do things for you since you are expecting your 2nd child. There seems to be something bothering him if he is getting upset when you answer the question HE asked you in the first place. Maybe he is nervous about how you both will manage money-wise if you don't work. Definitely something to be praying about. And you seem to have the answer to your prayer about whether you should stay home or not. God will provide a way if it is HIS will. We just have to have patience, and above all FAITH. Remember, all that we have, HE has. And all the HE has, we have. You and your husband need to pray TOGETHER. Pray with your church and/or friends. Where there are 2 or 3 in my name it shall be done, or something like that. I am a Christian but I don't memorize scripture very well.

I hope this helps!

Take care,
L. R.

Jenn, you need a professional counsler. Your issues with your husband are valid and I'm sure lots of ladies here have input but if your husband isn't in on the advice then your the only one who will benefit. It seems like there are built up resentments about your roles parenting which are normal and need to be confronted with a professional and it could get worse before it gets better but you both should be on the same page before baby #2 arrives. You two love each other and your first bambino so it'll be ok but search out a professional for this one. M.

It wouldn't hurt for yall to go to counseling if you can get him to agree to it. It sounds like your having a hard time communicating with him. Maybe you can find a way to make income working from home. Has he always been that moody? Maybe something is bothering him. Maybe he feels that baby number 2 is going to be too much responsibility for him. He needs to know how you feel and you him, this will help with the attitude and fighting. I'm like you and want to find a way to stay home with my baby, but right now it's just impossible. But when baby number 2 comes along childcare will be to expensive for me to not stay home.

See if your employer offers an employee assistance program, usually you can get free counseling sessions. Either way with baby number 2 on the way, he's going to have to take more appointments to keep up with the financial responsibilites. He should be at least bringing home half the bacon anyways.

I hope things work out for you.

Hi J.,
So, my only question is...Does the house look any different when you get home than it does when he does??? Meaning does it all of a sudden turn into a mess in the time he is gone?? or does he expect you to come home from work and do everything he didn't do?? If it's the later, (he expects you to do it) why don't you come home from work one day and make the same comment to him that he makes to you, see what his reaction is..If he gets mad and says he doesn't have time to do that while he's watching your son, ask him why he thinks you should be able too..Marriage is a compromise, and if you want to go without $$ you can stay home and do what is expected, but if you can't live without $$ you both need to put on paper what job belongs to which person, such as you would if your child was older and had chores..Maybe that's what you need to do, come up with a chore list for both of you, instead of allowance have a night out, or if you don't do your job your punishment will be to do something for your spouse(shoulder rub, 30min ALONE, foot massage, etc.) This is just an idea...It's very hard to get someone to step in when they think for some reason it is the other spouses(usually the wives) JOB ( if you know what I mean)...Hope this helps...Good luck!!

I agree with Meg and Valerie. You need to make sure you both are communicating positively and effectively. Maybe the date and planned discussion time will work, but counseling may be the ticket. My husband and I went to counseling earlier this year, and we learned SO MUCH about each other, and about how to communicate and have a healthier marriage. We have been married 7 years, and were having some problems, but since the counseling things are better than ever. You need to find out about each others love languages and personality styles.'

About the whole working/no working conflict...It is confusing that he asked you to decide and then got angry about it. I would ask him to explain what he was asking you to do, and find time to sit and talk about the options together. I understand how you feel about wanting to be at home. I was also the primary wage-earner before kids, but now I stay home. We are quite a bit poorer and it's been a lifestyle change, but we made the decision together that that's what we wanted to do, and we stuck to it. The important thing is you both need to be on board whatever the decision may be. It is a viable option to find something to do from home so you can be with your kids. I don't know what your profession is, but is it something you can do from home? If not, there are so many options out there for stay-at-home moms who want to work from home. Also, if you are home, your husband will be able to work full-time doing massage. He can grow his client base and get busy, and that may be the ticket.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling. Hope this helps! Let us know how it turns out!

I would sit down with hubby and have a heart to heart. It's hard to keep house with a toddler and it's hard to keep house when your pregnant so I would see how both of you are feeling. He should help when you ask him no matter what he does durring the day. I'm sure he is nervous about how you will cover exepences once the new baby has arrived. You two should sit down and see how you can make it work for the both of you. Can he pick up more clients or work part time in a spa? Maybe you could cut down on bills like shut off the cable or cut back on going out. Just sounds like both of you are stressed and need to talk.

I don't know if this will help much, but I am a Stylist, and have worked for the salon/spa industry for years. If he gets a job at a day spa, he will have regular hours and earn ALOT more money. This would help out with your bill situation. As far as him helping around the house, I really don't know what to tell you. The only thing that worked for me was to quit doing anything for my husband. I did laundry, just not his. I cooked dinner, just not his etc... It didn't take very long for him to realize just how much I did for the family, and he has been much more helpful. I no longer do dishes, put up the clean clothes, or change sheets, those are all his jobs... Just a thought

J.,
Men have a funny way of going about things. He may have just wanted you to tell him it is OK for him to stay home with the kids (because of that masculine, wanting to provide thing). You can work and be Mom, and Dad is much better than daycare. This way you are not dependent on him and are also stable financially. Being a stay at home mom may not be what you wanted after a couple months and then what? As for him helping around the house...tell him if he just cleaned for 1 hour a day while he is home it would be a big help. What is 1 hour out of the day? Then you can enjoy the evening feedings and bathtimes with your children instead of feeling like it is another chore. Good Luck

i agree with all of your other responses but what i would like to add is... try also coming up with some possbile solutions such as other work fromm home opportunity where your income can be supplemented or even something you can do. I was in a similiar situation, and i found solution for the both of us which is working well. I hope this is helping and i will keep praying for you.