Husband Has Pictures of Other Women on Phone

Updated on October 17, 2019
C.C. asks from Salt Lake City, UT
13 answers

Me and my husband have been together for 26 years. Over this time I have caught him having more than just a friendly relationship twice. Once was online about 22 years ago. The second was about 4 years ago with a woman that he worked with. I don't how far that really went as he was deleting all of there conversations. (Plus he worked with her.) I dont think he actually physically cheated, but hurts the just the same. I am also and always have been on the heavier side. He makes comments about fat people alot. Not directed at or towards me but sometimes I feel like it is.
Anyway now to my question. I have found out that my husband has plenty of sexual pictures of women on his phone. To top it off, him and one of our best friends (married and godfather to our children) have been sending these pictures to each other. I know that men like to to look, women do too but I feel that this is very disrespectful to me and our marriage. (Plus our friend has known about our troubles in the past) I dont know if I should even bring this up with his wife. (One of my best friends) Does she know, or care, am I going to cause them to fight like we are. Hubby tells me that all the guys do it and that I am just being jealous. So my question is... am I? Would you be ok with your hubby having pictures of other women on his phone? Ugh..
Whoever thought marriage is easy. It is so hard sometimes.

* I do not normally go through his phone. I was adding an account on his phone for him and a message popped up. Which did cause me to snoop. I now wish I hadn't but it is what it is.

What can I do next?

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answers from Erie on

The fact that you don't even know whether he slept with that woman or not speaks volumes. The only way to heal from an affair is for total honesty to be the defining role of the marriage from then on. He's a liar and a cheat who doesn't respect you or the marriage. DTMFA.

5 moms found this helpful

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answers from Anchorage on

No, not all men do this because if a man really loves his wife her mental health and comfort level will come way before titty pictures on his phone. He should have apologized immediately and deleted them, not tried to justify it as "all men". Now you two need to negotiate what behaviors are okay with you both and which ones are not so that boundaries can be respected. Don't ever let him make you think this is about your weight, it has nothing to do with you, this is his issue.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I have been married for 33 years. No my husband does not do this and no I would not be okay with it.

So he has had 2 affairs, that you know of. One emotional and one possibly physical. Doesn't matter if it was physical or emotional, it was an affair of the heart. I don't understand why you and he didn't address this 22 years ago or 4 years ago.

For the record, he IS fatshaming you. Not directed at or towards you? Then why even say anything? He does that because he doesn't feel good about himself and knows that is your weak spot. Not very loving.

This isn't about your weight, this is about him not having respect for you or your marriage. This is about him not feeling good about himself and wanting everyone else to be as miserable as he is.

Nope, not something I would want to be a part of.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


there is no scenario under which any of this would be okay with me. not the online thing decades ago, not the co-worker recently, not the fat-shaming, not the sexy pictures now.

if my husband enjoyed pinups in the garage i'd be okay with that. he doesn't. (i, however, have beefcake posters in the barn. they're so purty.)

but actual pictures of actual women he knows?


i'm sorry, hon. there's nothing okay about this. it's awful to consider, and overwhelming i'm sure, but start wrapping your head around moving on with your life without him. this is clearly a long-term pattern with him. i know you're trying to rationalize this, but whether or not he's inserted his tab A into someone else's slot B, he's not faithful to you.

don't force yourself to pretend he is.

all my best to you.

ETA just re-read that the most recent discovery is NOT a woman he knows. that does mitigate it somewhat. but he still doesn't sound like much of a prince.


9 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

So these aren't photos of women he knows? He and his friend are sharing pin up type photos of models or something?
I am on Pinterest and I've seen lots of guys who have boards filled with photos of beautiful sexy women, celebrities, etc. I also have a board where I pin photos of some of my favorite, sexy guys, mostly actors and rock stars :-)
So in theory I don't see anything wrong with this, and unless these are women that your husband actually knows I wouldn't tattle on his friend.
However, it sounds like this is bothering you and THAT is a problem. Your husband's dismissing your feelings and saying "all" men do this is a problem (they don't.) His past behavior sounds like it may be a problem.
Several problems here and I'm not sure what the solution is. Possibly start with seeing a therapist to work on your feelings of insecurity over your weight. If you are not confident in your own skin it means you are probably prone not only to feeling bad about yourself, but allowing your husband to treat you disrespectfully as well.
Bottom line, stop worrying about his phone and start working on YOU, you are worth it!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

I don't think there is a nice way to say this but, a leopard never changes its spots. You have caught him having sexually charged, emotional relationships, several times, and you chose to stay. Unfortunately, when you stay with a cheater, more often than not, it is not a matter of IF, but WHEN, it happens again. Why are you choosing to stay with this man? And no, men don't send pictures of naked or sexy women to each other, that's just plain weird. Whether they comment on a woman walking by while they're having a beer is one thing, but no man I know spends their days looking up random softcore pictures of sexy women and sending photos to their friends to get them hot and bothered or ask their opinion. Sounds like something a college frat kid and his buddies would do, or maybe a single guy wanting his buddy's opinion on someone he found on a dating site, not something adult married men with kids would do. I know boys in high school that would go to and rate the women, but a man in his 40s or 50s, maybe older? I'm not buying it.

I also don't think the gaslighting or the passive aggressive comments about heavyset women are of any benefit to your marriage. He knows you're insecure about your weight and yet he mocks people who are overweight. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that he's being hurtful, or he would not voice these comments loudly, assuming there is truly no purpose behind them. What does he contribute to this relationship that has kept you with him for 26 years, and putting up with his straying for over 2 decades? Maybe that is the bigger issue here -- not worrying about why he does what he does, but worrying about why you allow this, why you justify and constantly allow this man to walk all over you, and why you want to stay? What does he bring to the table? What positive attributes does he bring, that you think you're better off with him than without him? I wouldn't even consider marriage counseling at this point, this is beyond the third strike. He has a serious issue with commitment, fantasy and fancying himself a single guy. I would instead spend my time getting therapy for myself, to elevate my self-worth.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

My questions would be:

1. did he ASK for the pictures?
2. what does he DO with the pictures?
3. Does he KNOW these women?

If he's not asking for the pictures? Okay - give him a break.
if he deletes the pictures? Great. Cut him some slack. If he doesn't? I'd ask what he's looking for that he's not getting at home
If he knows these women? I'd be a tad pissed.

you need to talk with him.

My husband doesn't do this. Not even with facebook. So "all the guys do it" doesn't hold water with me.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I am going to work backward don't tell the other guys wife about this. All too often she will tell him and he will deny it-you won't have a friend anymore and your husband will stand up for his friend when he approaches it and you will find you are not getting anything accomplished. And no my husband doesn't have pornographic pictures of women all over his phone and although he tells me about the few guys that do, it sounds like even the decent men think they are gross and don't want to screw up their families by participating in this past time. Your husband is an insecure jealous human being who is trying to make you jealous-gaslighting -you can look that up-to make you feel crazy and unattractive. I am sure among our group there are women of all sizes and shapes whose husbands are wildly crazy about them and wouldn't disrespect their marriages by have even an almost affair or walking around with nudie pictures of women who are unknown. My nasty self says to make his phone disappear my other logical self says you list your demands and let him know what you will or won't put up with. You have 3 children it looks like? Let them have a mama who feels good about herself and begin to enjoy life without your husband at all. You may surprise yourself and find that you are courageous enough to leave him. It doesn't sound like you are together for love anymore and life ain't over til it's over. Recommended as always: counseling for you or both and begin to work on your own healthy lifestyle. And ah, you know maybe you should make his phone know just for fun.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

All guys DO NOT have pictures of other women on their phones! Your best friend is no friend at all if she is participating in your husbands disrespectful and dishonest behavior. To answer your question, no I would NEVER be okay with my hubby having pictures of any women on his phone and especially my best friend and my hubby would never do that, ever! We love and respect each other too much to engage in such childish and disrespectful behavior. Please stand up for yourself and confront your husband and friend. You deserve to be treated respectfully. If they continue to stonewall you and blame you then it’s time for you to make some difficult life choices. Lose the friend and the hubby and start asking yourself why you are allowing people to treat you like this. You are worthy of much better. With love, kindness and respect...I wish you the best.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

My husband was reluctant to join Facebook and when he did, a friend he knew started sending him messages through it with those things that come up and a lot of them are those memes (do I have that right?) of women with sayings. So if I walk past his screen, those can be up - but he's not looking those up - his friend sends them. Does my husband send them to him? Doubtful. Not my husband's thing. He might chuckle the odd time if the saying is clever but the guy is kind of sexist (not a close friend of my husband's). *I should add - they're not naked, and they are supposed to be a joke.

My husband usually closes the screen because we have kids - not because he knows I'd be jealous. I am more grossed out (I find them sexist).

Erotica being shared by two guys .. if that's what it is? Seems a bit odd. It's the sharing part that seems strange. I would assume your husband could look up his own. Who knows. I don't think that's something my friends' husbands do .. other than these meme type things on Facebook, etc.

If it's the looking at pics that bugs you - I think (some) men (and women) have been doing this forever, so no, I think I'd let that go - unless it was actually someone he knew. Then that would be a problem.

It's fantasy right?

As for your weight, and him making comments (do you mean you feel it's passive aggressive? he's trying to get your attention by making comments about others?) then that's an issue. If you're overly-sensitive, which I get if you're bothered by it yourself - then you need to work at letting that go. If he's being a dink, you have to tell him to stop making comments about people who have weight issues - because it's unkind. Period.

Or just say "I don't want to hear them".

Hope that helps. It's hard when there's a past history. I can imagine you must have doubt creeping it. Remember, that's him - not you, so don't torture yourself by making that about you. It wasn't. That was his crappy character, not your own. Most men cheat because they have low self esteem - it has nothing to do about your weight or your inner/outer beauty. Hugs :)

ETA - my husband has never saved/downloaded pictures to his phone.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

I can guarantee you that men don't send other men pictures of women on their cell phones. Call your husband on his bull.

Is he asking for these pictures? If he is? I have a HUGE problem with this. HUGE.

I don't know if I would tell my friend her husband is doing it. I don't think it's my place.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

You may be too upset right now to consider this, but have you read "The Love Dare"?
If you haven't, think about it. It may not be the answer to your situation, but it's just a suggestion/idea, however you want to look at it.
But I feel for you and think he's got a lot of growing up to do. Maybe he's forgotten just what he vowed to you on your wedding day!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I would call him out on his bull! This is totally unacceptable behavior. You know he's had at least 2 affairs (Emotional is just as damaging as physical). If you want your marriage to work you need to go to couples counseling. And if the friends wife is as good of a friend as you claim you need to be telling her. If she doesn't care that's her decision but she deserves to know.

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