Husband Has Left

Updated on April 14, 2009
B.L. asks from Worden, MT
18 answers

Well I have gotten alot of help from you mommy's. Right now I could really use some help, I have no clue how to tell my 8 yearold and 3 yearold that daddy has left us. He says he cant stand me not working becuase of my MS. And that its not fair to him to be the only one working. So if anyone has any ideas on how to tell them, I would love to hear them. Thankyou

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So What Happened?

Thankyou everyone for your help. Hubby and I have talked a little, so far just over the phone do to he is out of town for the day working, he took his brother with him to help and they were talking. The brother told him he is stupid if he left. Plus with what you ladies have said we have agreed to marriage councling. I'm calling first thing Monday to get us going. I did notice that some of you ladies were wondering about my MS and me being a stay home parent. Well I was told about 2 years ago I have MS. So I didnt know when I got with him almost 9 years ago. And as for me being a stay home parent. We both agreed 8 years ago, I would work when our daughter went to school full time, well rght before that happened I got pg with our son, then 3 years later I had our other son, so when our baby goes to school full time then I'll go get a job becuase of the price of daycare,I checked into daycare and for just one child it will cost me over a thousand dollars for a month. I'm hoping maybe showing him that he will stop his complaining. But once again thankyou all for your support. I dont want my kids to go through what I did and still go through with my parents divorcing, I was 17 and knew I wasnt at fault, but my parents hate each other. One wonderful thing about my parents divorcing is I meant my husand and got three wonderful kids. Hopefuly I will find out his real reason of wanting to leave us, if anyone wants more updates or such, please let me know.

More Answers



answers from Salt Lake City on

It sounds to me like he just needed an excuse to leave you. He'd probably been planning on doing so for quite some time and then just decided on doing so. Was he having an affair? Something similar happened to a family member. I am terribly sorry that you have to deal with this. I think you should talk to your little ones about how they feel, how feel feel and how things are going to change. I think it would be a good idea to go to therapy/counseling. Good Luck with this. I know it won't be easy. You sound like a strong women who loves her family. WOMEN like you are what make families stronger.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Colorado Springs on

First, I agree with what the previous posters said. Second, I am so sorry your previously-wonderful husband has had this change of heart.

Perhaps the explanation "daddy doesn't want to live with us any longer" is all that's needed for now. It's unfortunate he has made a decision that the children will eventually come to disrespect. (Years from now when they are adults, they will see through the eyes of adults and that's when the disrepect for this decision will settle in. But for now they are still children and will love him no matter what.)

On a practical note, you don't say whether you are drawing disability income. If not, I recommend you get the process started. It takes about one to two years on an average to work through the process, and in the meantime, the state's family and children department (whatever it's called here) will kick in and keep the family's heads above water. I know it's humiliating to have to go ask for help and feel like you are begging, but you have to do what you have to do for your children, so put the injury to your pride aside and go get started on this if you have not done so already.

Know that your husband is legally required to support you and the children until you are on your financial feet, so make sure your attorney gets a child support and a spousal support order in place immediately. (My first husband went months without paying a dime to support his children because my attorney let that slip through his fingers. A friend who is also an attorney was appalled to learn this and told me to tell my lawyer to get this done right away. He did.)

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answers from Salt Lake City on

The first post is right in saying that the important thing is to give your children lots of love and support. All that they really need to know is that Daddy is going away for now, the reasons are not important to them. Don't give them a lot of hope that he will be back soon, or ever, but let them know that it isn't anything that they did and it is between the two of you.

I'm sorry that your husband is acting so awful but you may be better off without him. Concentrate on taking care of yourself and the kids. Good luck.

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answers from Boise on

Any man who says he is leaving because his wife (who is a mother to his children including a newborn!) is not working, is not really a man. This is such a sad situation, and I tend to agree with the previous posted who said let HIM tell the kids. Maybe he will realize how selfish he is being. Whether or not he does and decides to be a real man, you do need to protect yourself and the kids by getting a good attorney and making sure your husband is financially responsible for you and the kids. (Maybe he'll realize that leaving does not really help anything.) Do you have family who can help you at this time? Please let us know what happens. Hugs to you and your little ones.



answers from Denver on

This sounds suspiciously like there may be something else behind his decision. You just wrote a post looking for work-at-home ideas. He doesn't think he should give you time to make this happen? He doesn't even want to consider your efforts? This sounds a 'man' who does not want to be part of a team with you any more. It also sounds like a weak excuse. It's not like leaving you will somehow allow him to quit working or something. In fact, it will make it more difficult on him financially than ever, due to child-support, divorce costs, etc. Obviously, although you weren't bringing home a paycheck, you were certainly contributing to your household in other very valueable ways. If he is really leaving for the reason he stated, does that mean he will come crawling back to you if you suddenly become employed? If he did so, I hope you would set up pretty stringent conditions (including marital counseling!!) before even CONSIDERING letting him back in. I am SO sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. You are worth so much more than this man is implying, way more than any possible paycheck you could bring home. Good luck, dear.



answers from Denver on

I agree with all the responses you have gotten.

My question is, did he not know that you had MS from the beginning, and knew you couldn't work? OR were you just now diagnosed, so he just now going through the emotions?

Have you always been a stay at home mom? If so, was it with his blessing? If yes, maybe it is the stress that the economy is in now, or maybe he is in fear of losing his job, and he is just taking it out on you. Which isn't right by any means.

He is suppose to LOVE you in sickness & health, not just one or the other.

Good luck to you, & your kids.



answers from Provo on

I am so sorry. It just makes me sick. Is that really the reason he is leaving? It is not your responsibility to work MS or not. you are a mother of three and a newborn no less. THAT is your job. His job is to be a provider. He should get some counseling. maybe he is not dealing with the stress of a new baby. the transition to number three is really really tough. but its still the lamest excuse on the planet! What a coward! To me it sounds like either he is afraid of something, either that or he is a ridiculously selfish jerk! I don't know the whole story but i would suggest you seek counseling for your whole family. And PRAY FERVENTLY. By the way don't make excuses for your husband to your kids just tell that the basics. he left and he needs to work on himself, etc. he should do any other explaining. He is walking away from a very serious committment and very cowardly. I'm so sorry.



answers from Provo on

I am sorry to hear all this is going on! I've been divorced twice (each time with kids) and it is a sad situation for everyone involved. I just have to tell you that separation or divorce looks really bad for the kids but if it is done right then it can be a learning experience. Just explain to the kids that mommy and daddy can't live together anymore but they are still going to be an important part in each of their lives. Mommy and daddy still love each kid and will always love them. I just say that it can be used as a learning tool because I like to find something positive in everything. It helps so much. I talk to my daughter (18) and she assures me that it was a good thing. Grown children of divorce say that having to go through a divorce made them stronger and more responsible. I would never say that I did not give my marriages my best shot. Never use the kids as a weapon. This only puts the kids in a bad situation. I hope this helps and I tried not to make you feel like your kids are scarred for life.



answers from Salt Lake City on

I'm so sorry. The ideal situation would be you and your husband sitting down with the kids explaining that you both still love all of them very much and it has nothing to do with them (this is if he is still wanting to be a father to the kids?)
If you can't have that situation with them, basics are best and while you are probably stinging from the insult of his reason for leaving please don't say anything negative about your ex to your kids. Tell them their daddy still loves them but that he has decided he needs to go and take care of himself right now and that you are here and if they want to talk about it, no emotions are wrong you won't judge them for anything they say. I think the 8 year old will be the one who will understand the most. Your 3 year old will probably act out. My dh leaves once a year for deployments in the military and she is too young to understand why he comes and goes, it isn't the same but a lot of what a 3 year old will go through will be. Luckily the newborn will just know mommy is there.
I'm sorry he's making this decision. I'm sending you "sister" love and caring from across the "net" You are a strong woman it isn't your fault you have MS, it is real and you are strong for dealing with it in the first place. Give yourself credit for the wonderful things you are doing. God is with you. He can be your strength and your rock even when it feels like the world is falling apart around you, you will never be alone. I truly believe that. If you ever need a friend, I'm here. We may be strangers but sometimes it is easier to spill to someone not involved in the situation. Look into getting counseling for yourself and your 8 year old it will probably really help the kid to be able to talk to an adult not involved about his/her confusion.



answers from Missoula on

B. L

First I would like to ask if you are willing to look at some other ways to help with your MS and start earning a paycheck from home, you may contact me if you are. Second, the truth is the best with the kids. Let them know that daddy made decisions to leave because he is overwelmed with life's circumstances. The big thing is for them to NOT think it is their fault, kids at age 8 will tend to blame themselves. It is impossible for them to understand fully, but your love and support will help them tremendously. I am sorry you are having to go through this, it is not easy for healthy people let alone someone with your condition. Will keep you in our prayers



answers from Provo on

B., I don't have any advice for you, I am sorry. But I just wanted to give you ((((HUGGLES))). I have been in divorce twice before (w/out kids), and if you ever need to talk - I'm here. I'm also in a blended family situation, with a stepson, and that is a whole other ballgame, but I think it is important in however you tell them, to keep respect intact (even though he doesn't deserve it). I personally think it is important to teach kids about respect, and they can decide on their own in the future how they want to view their father. I say this, because my SS does not have any respect for his dad, because his mom conditions him to think otherwise when his dad is a great man. I have always respected SS's mom, even though there are many things I do not agree with what she does, but the fact is, despite our personal opinions of how she goes about life - she is his mom. Sorry, just passionate about such things.

I can say one thing about divorce - is that whether it is one or two-sided, it all comes down to selfishness. I am sorry that he isn't truly thinking this through.

Thoughts and prayers your way! I am sorry for what you're going through!




answers from Denver on

I am so sorry B.! HUGS Wow, he sounds pretty self centered when you are struggling with MS to put that back on his reasons. I have given up trying to understand why people do what they do but my thought is it isn't about the MS, it is more internal for him and he is using your medical condition as justification for leaving his family. It is not your fault!
My ex left when my kids were 11 mos and 4. It was hard. I just told them that sometimes mommys and daddys really have a hard time getting along and everyone would be unhappy if they stayed in the same house. That you both love them dearly, that you will always be mommy and daddy but in order to live in a peaceful home that sometimes these changes have to happen. As my kids grew older they asked more questions and I just explain as they ask. Open up the forum for discussion and brace yourself for your 8 year old to really ask heavy hard hitting questions but allow every one of them and answer them with honesty.
Your 3 year old will not be clear on facts as much as needs added security for the change.

I pray your husband is at least civil enough to consider talking to the kids with you and be in their lives. If you can do it together then that is the best thing for them, so they see the marriage may be gone but you two are still their parents. It is okay for them to see you cry, however keep your conversations with family and friends about it away from them. Never bad mouth him no matter what a jerk he may be. Try talking to him about a parenting plan for being a team together. Just because mommys and daddys aren't together doesn't mean they stop being mommy's and daddys.

Sounds like he is going through something personally that maybe if he sought help he would be able to come back. Y ou have a newborn and three kids, YOU HAVE A JOB that doesn't even pay anything! Maybe explaining to him that daycare for three children would eat up any salary you made even if you didn't have MS!!!

You didn't elaborate if there are more deeper issues in the marriage, I do know men get really overwhelmed being the sole bread winner and have no clue how to communicate without first instinct is to bail. They have pity parties for themselves without realizing being a mom is a HUGE job.
Sad, not fair and it breaks my heart but I know how you feel.

Keep things as normal as possible, structure, routine and rules all to remain as they are. Giving them very firm clear expectations and keeping them informed will help tremendously. I screwed up by protecting my oldest and sugar coating a lot of things and not really thinking she had questions. She internalized a lot and made assumptions herself and that isn't good. Keep the discussions going, reassure that every feeling they are having is okay and normal.



answers from Provo on

If he is such a wonderful father , let HIM tell the kids! Maybe he will see how unfair he is being. i can't believe the amount of men who bail when times get tough. He should realize that he should not leave his kids. they need his suport. (Ofcourse, so do you, but he seems to be able to overlook that,)



answers from Billings on

OMG I am so sorry B.. Is it because of the money that he has left? Have you looked into disability with Medicaid? I am so fortunate that my dh decided to go through with our marriage even though I was just diagnosed the year before we were married.
I am here if you need/ want to talk...
###-###-####.House, cell ###-###-####.
As far as the kids, I would tell them WITH HIM something like daddy is not going to stay here for a while. That way he has to face them and not just leave it all on you. It is not your fault that you have MS. I would also call the MS Society of MT for support.



answers from Pueblo on

This is long...Please stay with me! My parents divorced when my bro and I were 5 and 6. My parents handled it totally wrong and for the sake of the kids, I am sharing this advice.

I know there is hurt and confusion right now, but you posted he will do anything for his kids. If that's true, please don't badmouth him to your kids (and make it clear to him that he is not to badmouth you to them). I guess you can even put this in your divorce decree. The kids are little and confused right now.

My mom badmouthed my father (and called his girlfriend the devil) for years to us. It was not explained why he left and there is anger and resentment to this day over it (20 years later).

If possible, you and your hubby should sit down together and tell the kids things aren't working out and mommies and daddies don't always live together. Stress to them that you both love them very much and it is nothing they did. They don't need a lot of explanation - they just need to know they are loved and are safe. It's inevitable they will see you cry - but try not to let them think it's b/c they're daddy is a jerk. I know it is why and he is a jerk, but in their eyes, he's their daddy.

You and dad are still the parents and are bound to each other at least until this newborn is 18, so you need to communicate with each other in a way to make the kids interests first and foremost.

I know this sounds like I am pro dad and what he did to you isn't bad. I'm just thinking of the kids (based on my childhood). He is definitely a jerk (I don't know how strong of language I can use here...), and needs to be held responsible for supporting his kids and responsibilities.

Based on your last post, he's expecting you to work with 3 kids and MS. Has he ever tried to take care of the kids full time? You do work - very hard and shame on him for his actions.

Keep your head up and stay strong. Love your babies and you'll get through this! I'll pray for you. Good luck!



answers from Boise on

First of all let me say that I am so sorry. Second, you say he is a wonderful man and father? If he was he wouldnt have left you and your kids.

My husband left me and my two daughters (ages 3 & 8 months at the time) almost a year ago. I ended up going to a child counselor to find out how best handle the situation. She said the best thing was for both parents to sit down and talk to the children together and explain that sometimes parents get divorced but the love we have for them would never change.

He will have been gone a year in May and my oldest daughter now 4 1/2 still is having a hard time with it. The whole situation will be hard for both you and your kids but my best advice would be to try to be sensitive to their needs the best you can but also take care of yourself. Again I am so sorry and I hope things will work out for you.

Good luck!



answers from Albany on

I also have MS, but at the moment is is not acting up. I have a son who is 1 1/2, and am expecting this fall with my second. I have just started a job that I can do at home and set my own schedule, so that if and when my MS does give me problems I will be able to adjust and keep going.

It surprises me that he would leave just because of a job. What problems are you having with your MS? Is the problem also him doing things around the house, or with the kids that you can not do wither because of the MS or healing after the third child?



answers from Salt Lake City on

My mom was diagnosed with MS when I was in first grade. Your husband needs to know that MS can affect your ability to remember things.

A friend of mine works evenings while her husband watches the kids. Retail. There's an Old Navy at the gateway that lets you work just a few nights a week.

Your husband might change his mind if he has to watch the kids after working all day, though. It's tough.

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