Husband Going Through Mid Life Crisis?

Updated on May 12, 2009
J.V. asks from Burke, SD
23 answers

Ok ladies, I need some good advice/comfort. I have a 15mo old daughter, whom I adore! At Christmas time, I found out I was pregnant again, unplanned, but ok with the both of us. My husband however, has been doing some really strange things. He is a tech coordinator and talks to many vendors from all over the country. He recently started talking to a single female, became friends with her on facebook (she is georgous!!!) and exchanged phone numbers with her b/c she was attending a big conference that my husband and I happened to be attending. I am very uncomfortable with this, I asked him how many other of his vendors have his cell phone number (and he hers) none do of course. At the conference I met her and we were friendly, but I noticed that my husband kept sneaking away to talk to her. Fortunatly the two nights we were there things kept coming up where we could not go out with her (I did some sabotaging, I am not proud of this). There were a few times he dissappeared though for extended smoke breaks, and I saw him running across a hallway a couple of floors up at one point on his way back from somewhere. Of course he says I am paranoid. Here is the deal though, he talks to her constantly on Facebook, is friends with his exes on facebook, and the entire time we were at the conference he was drinking and trying to goad her (vender lady) into conversing with him while i was in the tub/shower (I found out after he passed out). I was hoping it would pass, and thought it did, I have been very sick though the last few nights, he has gone out doing his thing (golfing) last night he came in, made me tea, and was very sweet. I found a note on her facebook page this morning where he was talking to her after I went to bed. He spends so much time on the internet, that he rarely does anything with me or my daughter anymore. He always claims he is reading articles, but I know he is lying (he hates to read). My self esteem is very low right now on top of everything, and he is becoming very controlling about our money and drinking quite a bit. Please help!! Does anyone know what is going on here? I sure don't!

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So What Happened?

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I did confront him and of course again I am paranoid and am in the wrong. No chance of counseling, and there would be no way he would share a facebook page with me, or take off the exe's, or current problem. Still not sure what to do here, thank you for your suggestions!


More Answers



answers from Minneapolis on

Hi J.. I am no expert on marital problems, but I am also pregnant. I am about 5 months pregnant with my third. Usually around this time, I am ultra sensitive to everything my husband does. I don't know if your husband is cheating or not and I don't think anybody here does, but I do think you should do three things. First, talk to your husband about it. He may blow you off or go into a rage regardless of whether your accusations are true or false, just out of self defense, so be careful in how you approach it. Maybe even write down some things you want to say so you don't get caught up in emotions during your conversation. Make sure you find a time to talk when you are alone and without distractions.

Second, make sure you really know what's going on with your finances. My husband gets really stingy about money when I'm pregnant, too, so I'm guessing that's just a natural thing men go through when their family is about to grow. It's stressful. And when you are the one responsible for the spending the household money, it can make you feel guilty for every little thing you buy from groceries to something new to cover your growing belly.

Third, I would seriously talk to you doctor at your next appointment about it. Your doctor can give you contacts and phone numbers for good counselors that will be covered by your insurance. Even if you husband refuses to go, you can. Not only will you hopefully get some good professional advice about your concerns, but it will show your husband that you are seriously concerned about your relationship and want to make it better.

Good luck with this. I really hope that it all turns out to be nothing and works out for your family.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Wausau on

I agree that this is all probably an "escape" for him because he's starting to get freaked out at what life holds for his immediate future. Whether or not he would actually cheat on you is unknown, but he's being quite selfish not really caring about how this is all affecting you.

BUT - I would like to bring up an important possibility. He might be going through depression. Speaking from experience, depression can make you do some crazy things. Sometimes you can act like you don't care about anything or anyone and then later you'll feel doubly bad about it. His emotions could be getting out of control and since a lot of guys don't deal with their emotions well I imagine that he's doing whatever he can to avoid that.

What I would do is: 1) Have a heart-to-heart with him, asking him why he's acting so different lately. Of course, explain how you've been feeling and that you've been feeling insecure because of his actions with the woman and the fact that he spends more time on the internet than with the family.

2) Suggest that he sees a doctor. Even if he insists nothing is wrong, you can say that you're just worried about him and you'd like him to do this if only to humor you. And, if he DOES admit that something is bothering him, you can encourage him to bring this up to the doctor.

3) Counseling. Of course. But... this is a difficult one because many men refuse counseling as if it means that they have to admit that something is directly wrong with them. If you can find a way to take the blame off of him or at least approach him carefully on this, you might have some luck.

We wish you well!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Duluth on

Two things: one, my husband, who wanted kids and marriage even more than I did, freaked every time I was pregnant and suddenly had the need for "guy time", sometimes 3 nights a week, which was really hard when I was sick, pregnant, and home with a toddler.

That said, while you should probably try to be understanding that this baby may be upsetting his equilibrium, it is DEFINITELY upsetting yours and I'd say you need some help. I would be worried, too, and now is definitely a really bad time for his midlife crisis or whatever he's going through. I too would be "paranoid". My husband sometimes gets frustrated with my net time, but I also don't have contact with old flames and new, attractive "friends". Find some neutral ground where you can reconnect--and maybe a therapist.



answers from Milwaukee on

This is not a mid life crisis. This sounds way worse. Don't blame your low self esteem. The writing is on the wall. His behavior is completely unacceptable and you need to make some decisions.



answers from Minneapolis on

I'm sorry, J.. He does kinda sound like he's being sneaky and trying to be around her. I think some guys kinda freak out when their wife is pregnant. I sure hope he is not looking to cheat on you! Especially now, when you have a young daughter and you're pregnant!! You better let him know this is NOT OKAY with you, and you really need him right now. Good luck, dear.



answers from Milwaukee on

I think you already know that there is a major problem here. You need to lay it all on the line for him right now and demand that he respect your wishes. If he won't then you know where you stand. You can either continue to let him talk to this woman and leave it alone or you can demand that he stop because if he doesn't then the marriage is over. It sounds harsh, I know, but if he cannot respect your feelings you either have to accept this "friendship" and accept that he will continue to disrespect you or decide that you will not live your life that way and leave. If you don't put your foot down now you will never be happy. Counseling is an option if he is agreeable in some respect but only suggest that if things are somewhat positive. If you bring it up before getting some kind of agreement from him that his behavior is a sign that something is wrong it will only push him further away anyway.

Really J., if you read your post it is very obvious that you already KNOW what is going on, maybe you were looking for someone else to say, Hey, it's ok, my husband does the same thing and it means nothing; our marriage is fine. But, in reality what he is doing is upsetting you, whether or not there is something going on and if he is not willing to stop there really is no point in staying around, in my humble opinion. Be strong for you and your kids and don't let him walk all over you. If there's a problem make him talk it over and accept what he says even if it blames you in some way. You can learn to respect each other again but don't let him stop you from being you.
Good luck.



answers from Rapid City on

It sounds like your husband is cheating in thought, if not yet in deed. Most likely this is due to the fear and stress that comes with becoming a father, but that is a poor excuse. Drinking is a trap many people fall into when faced with stress. It can destroy families. You need to protect yourself. Financially, by making sure that your name is on all accounts (you can also set it up so that you can keep track of them online), and by making sure that you have some funds set aside for emergencies. If you feel that your husband is cheating in deed, you also need to protect yourself from STDs.

Once you have made sure you and your children will be healthy and fed no matter what happens with your marriage, then you need to evaluate how you feel about your marriage. If you want your marriage to work, I would recommend the book "the Five Love Languages", and if necessary, counseling, for both of you. In fact, I'd say the book would do you a lot of good even if you come to decide that your marriage is over. One of the things the book talks about is the temptation for inappropriate relationships to develop at work, and how to avoid letting that happen. Another thing it talks about is how "falling in love" doesn't last, but with work, love does. Even if your husband doesn't want to read it, you can make a huge difference in your marriage.

You and your husband need to start communicating with each-other before it's too late. Not just talking, but really listening, thinking, and connecting. It's easy to lose sight of the marriage when you become parents, but part of being a good parent is loving (not feeling but doing) your partner.



answers from Des Moines on

First I would like to say I am sorry that you are having these issues. You have enough on your plate being a mom and being pregnant for the second time. Second if your gut tells you that something is up then it probably is. I think facebook/internet causes many issues in marriages. It is too easy for people to live in a fantasy world. I would not be ok with my husband talking to any single female on his phone or the internet. He used to travel for a living which was difficult because of the lifestyle that can lead to. You really have to have 100% trust otherwise it can lead to huge problems. I agree with everyone else you should seek out some counseling for yourself. The stress this can cause you just isn't worth it. Take care of yourself and the children.



answers from Minneapolis on

Hi J.
You do know and he is probably doing a midlife- though most guys do that in 50's- girls do in 40's.
Prof. advisors say that you should state that his interactions with her bother you and why. If you "forbid" the interaction, most likely he'll say YOU made him making you the scapegoat so he doesn't look bad and it's a controlling position that really doesn't bring you together.
If he cares-- he'll stop and focus on you. If he doesn't, seek prof. couselling and ask him to join you.
Your self esteem and fear will cause you to do things counterproductive-- if you live in the MPLs/st. paul area, yesterdays startribune had an article in variety advice section that reiterated this idea.

I wish you all the best-- tough one.

About me: 48yo perfusionist, wellness coach for online Bloser for $ and mom to 7 yo twin girls.

B. J



answers from Minneapolis on

You are correct to be very concerned about this behavior. He's lying to you, having inappropriate contact with other women, and doesn't seem to be the least bit concerned about you while you are pregnant with his child.
This doesn't bode well for your future. Think about protecting yourself and your daughter. Squirrel some money away in case you two split up so that you are not totally penniless and at his mercy.
By all means try to talk with him and be honest with him, but he's already crossed the line of inappropriate behavior for a married man. Let him know what you expect of him. If you cannot trust him any more, think about protecting yourself and your children.
Good luck.



answers from Milwaukee on

What your husband is doing is wrong. Not only is he spending time talking to another woman over the internet, he is not being 100% truthful with you about. I would recommend marital counseling. If he doesn't agree to go with you or denies there is a problem, you should go alone. This isn't fair to you or your child. This should be a very happy time in your life as you are expecting another baby- keep your chin up and take care of yourself by talking to a professional!



answers from Appleton on

OH my goodness, sorry to hear about this. Go with your gut! Something is in the works, and you have to nip it in the bud ASAP. It may sound harsh but if he is not responding to your asking him to stop and her advances and vice versa, I would let her know that you will go to her boss and let her know what is going on. It should be your husband that tells her to knock it off but if he is in lala land thats what I would do. The embers are burning and the flame will get hotter. And you know what? There is nothing more beautiful to men than a pregnant woman, so stop putting yourself down! This baby was meant to be by the good Lord! Read Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you" this means that God has already planned this baby for you!
Your marriage is a gift and you can protect yourself. There is so much more I could say on the subject but for now, pray for your husband ( I will too) that he may see his ways as detrimental to not only you but his 15 month old daughter. I hope it all works out for you!




answers from St. Cloud on

This doesn't sound like a mid-life crisis, this sounds like an AFFAIR!!!

You and your husband need to seek some professional counseling NOW before it's too late. Seek out a local pastor for some help.

Whether or not he's actually had sex with her is beyond the point. What he is doing is cheating. It is unacceptable but probably not fully his "fault." Make sure you are giving him the respect a man needs and he will be more likely to give you the love you need.



answers from Minneapolis on

I don't want to sound callous, but my husband just ended our almost 12 year marriage because he wasn't happy.
You need to protect yourself and your children, go see a lawyer, make sure you know all that happens with your money, start your own account. This could pass, but if he is controlling the money, that alone is a bad sign.
Men think the grass is always greener on the other side, and when he realizes it isn't he may want to reconcile, but that could take years.
So take care of you and your children, let him ruin his life not yours!



answers from Sioux Falls on

First of all, you are not being paraniod and should not feel guilty for sabotaging any time he spent with her. He should not be so friendly with her. One good sign, however, is that he took you with him to the conference.
I would talk to him and explain my feelings about everything and ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned. I don't think he is having an affair yet, but it sounds like it may very well be going in that direction.
I think you would both benefit from counseling, if he won't go, you can go alone a couple of times and then try to get him to go with you.
Good luck, I will pray for you!



answers from Duluth on

hmm. im very sorry for what you are going through.
one thing i would recommend is getting a book called the proper care and feeding of husbands. see if that helps. also, you could try watching the movie fireproof, and buying the love dare book. you dont have to tell him about either of these things, but just see what works. if you are a religious person, prayer ALWAYS helps (the power of a praying wife is another good book)
anyway, i dont know what to say exactly but dont give up on him. sometimes in life we get distracted. if anything, this is YOUR husband, if you have to compete with other women for his attention, do it. theres nothing more desireable to a man then a woman who will FIGHT for him. you dont have to be mean to the other woman involved, but you should make yourself be less 'mom' in appearance and more like the sexy wife he had. somtimes thats all it takes, and proper care and feeding of husbands will talk about that a big. its a VERY straightforward and to the point sort of book.
anyway, good luck



answers from St. Cloud on

Hi J., I wasn't going to respond but Erika I's post really made me mad. You should NEVER have to "compete" for your husbands affections! He made a vow to you and that should have wiped out the competition. Reading that post made me sick.
You guys need counseling. There is nothing else that will help. If he won't go then go by yourself. If he cheats on you then a separation is in order.
Please don't ever feel like it's your fault. that you were not sexy enough or enough of a wife. He needs to fess up, be accountable and treat you and your marriage with love and honor. Oh, he also needs to ditch Facebook. I love facebook but my hubby and I share an account and we are accountable to each other. If it's a downfall for him than he should be more than willing to chuck it.
He also needs to chuck his relationship with the other girl. Even if it's "innocent" if it makes you uncomfortable then it's gotta go.



answers from Minneapolis on

I agree with what everyone else has said.

You asked, "what is going on here?" and I think the answer is that he is freaked out about fatherhood and the responsibility it entails. He has a one year old -- HUGE adjustment in his life -- and now ANOTHER ONE is on the way? I bet he's scared and can't face his fears, so he's finding relief in another way.

When you talk to him, ask him about how he feels about fatherhood, and the new baby. He may have a lot to say.

It's too bad he's being so immature about this, and handling it in such an incredibly inappropriate and hurtful way.

You may have to kick him out of the house for him to grow up and figure out what really matters to him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Good luck, and hang in there.



answers from Minneapolis on

Hi, J.. I don't think you're paranoid but I do think your husband's behavior is inappropriate! When we're pregnant we feel so much more emotional and vulnerable so his timing couldn't be worse. Unfortunately, I believe that the internet has provided us
with one more way for men to "escape" unnecessarily (this is probably also true for some women) and any time he's taking away from you and your daughter is not okay. I would suggest confronting him about it - which won't be easy - but I believe that the current facebook trends are going to ruin lots of relationships. The drinking, facebook, etc. are
all escapes for him so he's not facing something he needs to face. Talk to him or suggest counseling. You don't deserve to be treated like this! Good luck - J.


answers from Minneapolis on

first off, you aren't paranoid. he is most likely saying that to make you feel bad. a typical manipulative move. take care of yourself first because you need to be there for your kids! get to couneling and get there fast. if he wont go because you are "Paranoid" tell him you want to go by yourself. red flags are usually true! so sorry you are cdealing with this stress!



answers from Minneapolis on

I have not gone threw this so my advice might be off the wall but will he go to counseling to try and work threw whatever he or you as a couple are dealing with. Have you told him straight out how hurt this makes you feel? From what you've said it doesn't sound like your imagining things. If you really want this marriage to work suggest couples counceling and see what he says good luck.



answers from Grand Forks on

I know that pregnancy can make women hormonal and emotional, but I would stress to you that you need to listen to your gut. If you gut/inner voice is telling you that there is something wrong, PLEASE do not ignore it. My own experience has proven that it is always right, and my rationalizing brain (used to combat my fears and ignore them) is usually wrong.

Also, do your research. If you think that your husband is cheating, read up on behaviors of cheating husbands (and if they relate), how to approach your husband about this topic, etc. Have practice conversations with yourself in front of a mirror before you talk to your husband in person. This way you will settle what it is you want to say, and gain confidence in how you are going to handle it (whether he is cheating or not, this is obviously something that you need to discuss).

A good source that is easy to check out:

Believe in yourself, be strong and compassionate (with yourself and your husband), and may your relationship ultimately strengthen from this experience.



answers from Waterloo on

As others have said, I think you already know what is going on. Our instincts are much better at telling us the truth than what people's just the matter of if you choose to listen. In my former, wild, single life I have had an affair with a married man, and I can tell you the behavior sounds very familiar! I think you actually did the wrong thing by sabotaging going out with this woman. If you hubby was willing to get the 3 of you together that's a really good sign...and she would be less likely to go through with anything knowing what a great person you are, seeing in person the pregnant belly, etc. The "other woman" is still a woman and tends to empathize, or at least not want to end up in that situation herself some day! Ask him to keep you involved- show you the e-mails, talk to her in the same room with you there, and if he does you probably have nothing to worry about. If he's being secretive about it you know there's an issue. Good luck, I hope you can work it out!

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