35 answers

Husband Goes on a Trip and I Dont Hear from Him - Am I Wrong for Being Upset?

My husband went to Miami to visit a good friend of his for the weekend. While he is there, I dont hear from him - no call or text. This gets me so angry! I have to text his friend to ask him to have my husband get in touch before my husband will send a text saying that he's fine, not to worry or be angry. My husband doesnt even call to ask how I'm doing, knowing I'm home with two young kids (2 yr old and 6 month old).

His friend reassures me that they're fine, they're behaving, and just hanging out. So if that's all they are doing, I can't understand why my husband cant even say a 2 minute hello. Only when I got upset and let his friend know did my husband call. But I missed his call bc I was taking care of the kids, so we havent spoken at all. So I text hubby that I was upset and I just get a short dont worry response.

Any other day, my husband calls at least once a day just to say hi and texts often. So this whole experience has just made feel like he wants to forget about me and the kids while he is away having fun. Really has left a bitter taste in my mouth about letting him go away on his own on a non-business related trip. He is not even home yet, but i do know i'm hurt and angry and I dont even know where to begin about confronting him about this without sounding jealous that he got a mini vacation or whiney.

Am I wrong for being upset? Is this a guy thing? Is it ok for a partner to go away and not be in touch? I am wondering if this is a normal experience. Thanks

JUST WANT TO ADD: of course, i tried to contact him first before contacting his friend. the reason i ended up contacting his friend is bc i never heard from him, which is extremely unusual for him. he is a v responsive phone person and has even been upset with me in the past when i didnt call him to say hi

And yes, I have been away from home for vacation without kids and husband and i always called at least once a day (even if it was just 2 mins) to say hi, make sure everyone was ok, and to say goodnight to the kids. i dont expect him to be on the phone for a long time, but a simple hey would have been really appreciated.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

First, I just want to say thank you to all those of you for sharing your opinions both for and against me.

So today, my husband came home from his trip and I took most of your advice and stayed calm. I didn't mention that I was upset at all, but he was also avoiding talking about his trip, which leads me to think he didn't want to admit he ignored me the entire weekend. So when I finally asked in the calmest, nicest way possible why he didnt call even once or text, his answer was "i thought you were mad at me and i didn't want to deal with it." WHAT?! i told him i was upset that he didn't try to get in touch at all even if it was just a text and that i have no idea why he thought i would have been mad in the first place. he then proceeded to get upset and told me that i always get mad whenever he goes away (OK LADIES, UNTRUE!!!) so this is the part which then led me to start arguing. he just walked away from me and said, "i was good. i didn't do anything, we just drank and hung out." and he just didnt want to talk anymore.

i dont really know who this guy is, but this man is not my husband - well, not the husband i know everyday anyway. i dont know what happened between the time he left and came back, but i have a sneaking suspicion he and his friend must have really "gone to town and partied their butts off."

one thing he did do is bring home dinner and he has been looking and acting apologetic since we had the initial conversation. and out of nowhere he did casually say next time, he'll call. but a part of me is still angry about this whole thing. i just feel he dismissed my feelings and i know something must have happened bc when i asked questions about the trip, he gave really short answers and didnt offer details.

i'm thinking of just letting it go, but my best friend says that if i'm too easy on this issue, it'll just happen again. i dont really know but i do know i dont want to stay upset - it's tiring - so i guess we'll just have to see.

Featured Answers

Ok, when I am on vacation I enjoy my vacation and I allow him to enjoy his vacation as well. I ask, before he leaves that he contact me when he lands so I know he is there and that he notifys me when he is on his way home other than that no contact needed.

8 moms found this helpful

Lots of great responses from the moms that said to give him his time. You two had different expectations going into this. He sounds like a good guy otherwise so make peace with it and move on. If I'm gone for fun, I love to not be tied to a blackberry, a droid and a laptop everyday no matter where I am.

Give him a very warm and exciting welcome when he comes home and don't hold a grudge!! It's so much more fun to be happy.

6 moms found this helpful

This is normal. My hubby calls all the time too but when he's out of town with friends, I don't hear a word from him because he's so busy. It upsets me too.

5 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Ok, when I am on vacation I enjoy my vacation and I allow him to enjoy his vacation as well. I ask, before he leaves that he contact me when he lands so I know he is there and that he notifys me when he is on his way home other than that no contact needed.

8 moms found this helpful

Well the thing is, this is out of the norm for you and he. BECAUSE, normally, he DOES call/text you and you said he is a very responsive... phone person and has even been upset with you... when you didn't call him to say hi. And that normally, HE DOES call you at least once daily, just to say hi.

SO that is why, this has you... bothered. It is not his norm. At all.
Thus, the concern is there.

If my Hubby were away... even if he goes out after work, he calls me. Just to let me know of his ETA, back home.
Or if he is going to be late in getting home or if his plans changes. It is just courtesy and caring and letting me know what the hell is going on... since I am home with the kids.
My Husband calls. Even if he is in a bar with friends after work.

You did call your Husband first, Before you tried the friend. You tried being reasonable. You did what is pretty normal. But your Husband's reaction... is not normal. Not his norm.
Thus, the concern.

Frankly, I don't know what is the problem.
Sure he is on a trip. But a Husband can still call.
Gee and you are home with the kids. What if something happened???? The common sense thing to do, is to call your Wife back or answer the damn phone when she calls.

I would be irked too.
I don't blame you.
This is.... strange?

The thing is, even if on 'vacation' or a trip with buddies, it does NOT take a lot of effort to just call home for 2 minutes. Geez... anyone can find time, on a trip, to do that.
My Husband went away with my daughter to Europe once, on VACATION.. HE called each day, to let me know how they were and what not.
He is a Husband. He is a Dad. And I was back home with my son.
He called.

Vacation or business trip...a guy CAN call home.
It is not much effort to do that.
It is NOT out of sight out of mind.

7 moms found this helpful

Going away on a trip means youre going away on a trip and shouldnt have to be tied to home. That's what a "get away" is. Communication should be there if there was an emergency but other than that one should be allowed to enjoy their time away from home if they want to.
When you are the one at home you are bored and wondering what the other is doing, but the one that is gone is having fun and is distracted from home and doesnt think about it.
If you had an agreement that he would call you at such and such a time that is different, otherwise let him be.
If you were gone for a wknd with friends do you really think you would stop what you were doing to call home? I wouldnt. Maybe you would, but some people just want to detach for awhile, obviously that's what your husband needs.

7 moms found this helpful

Don't be that girl, the one who starts calling friends when she can't get her man on the phone. It just makes you look crazy, possessive and jealous and gives women a bad name. If it's a non-emergency, leave a message and he'll call you back when he's free. While you are home, live your life and don't worry so much about him calling you. You'll survive a weekend if you don't speak, and he may get a chance to miss you if you leave him be.

6 moms found this helpful

For what it's worth, my husband NEVER calls when he's away - unless he needs something. No, wait. Occasionally I can get him to call to say that he arrived, but that's rather a rarity. Try to confront him with it and he says, "Huh??"

It's the way he is. He's not a very good communicator, because he doesn't
seem to think this kind of communication is necessary. His family is the same way, and he's uncomfortable with anything else, even after all these years. He doesn't know what he's missing.

You get to choose whether you get upset at your husband or not. That's just another way of saying that you can choose *not* to get upset.

On the other hand, if he comes home from his trip with a changed attitude and lipstick on his collar... get upset.

6 moms found this helpful

Lots of great responses from the moms that said to give him his time. You two had different expectations going into this. He sounds like a good guy otherwise so make peace with it and move on. If I'm gone for fun, I love to not be tied to a blackberry, a droid and a laptop everyday no matter where I am.

Give him a very warm and exciting welcome when he comes home and don't hold a grudge!! It's so much more fun to be happy.

6 moms found this helpful

I think with two very young kids at home, he should have ONE relaxing fun weekend with his friend and you should let this communication gap slide just this once. Now start planning YOUR weekend getaway! Be as nice as you can about his weekend away, it will help him agree to staying home with the kids. Don't make it like you are going away to punish him for not calling. I Hope you can get away for a fun weekend with a girlfriend and NO kids to refuel and come back refreshed cuz I know you need it more than him!

5 moms found this helpful

I think the thing that people forget in situations like this is that while you are at home, doing your normal thing, he is not. He is on a vacation with a friend, having fun. He may be in a different time zone, on a different schedule, or happen to be somewhere that's not conducive to calling. I think if you trust your SO & everything is otherwise normal, and there is no emergency that you need to contact him about, this shouldn't be that big of a deal. I understand why you are upset, but there is no point in holding onto it or fighting with him about it when he gets home.

I guess I'm different. I don't blow DH's phone up while he's working, and he doesn't bug me when I'm out & vice versa. We live together & if all is fine, then I just see no reason to be on the phone with each other all the time. He is not a big phone talker & I am ok with that.

I've been out of town & forgotten to call - once I was out of town for a wedding, pre DD, and the other was for work, after DD was born. I was on a totally different schedule & my routine was off, and by the time I remembered, it was too late to call. I would've been pissed if DH would've pulled what you did, and then had the nerve to be mad at me over what pretty much amounts to a miscommunication. I say that because you 2 obviously had very different expectations of each other while he was on this trip. Use it as a learning experience on how to do things next time, not as a reason to fight with him.

ETA - I'm sorry, but I'm LOLing at "change the locks". Dramatic much? Who would even do that?!

5 moms found this helpful

This is normal. My hubby calls all the time too but when he's out of town with friends, I don't hear a word from him because he's so busy. It upsets me too.

5 moms found this helpful

In my opinion, you have a right to be upset. It makes no difference if you are out of town for business or pleasure, when you have a spouse & family there is no excuse not to communicate in some form. With everything going on in this crazy world?! As the head of the household a man always checks on his wife & kids. My husband travels on business often & attends conferences & classes but will always call afterwards or before dinner just to check on me & the kids. When I go out of town & take the kids with me we both communicate with each other daily. When you call him if he is busy he is supposed to return your call within a reasonable time frame. And you don't need to have an emergency. When you are married you don't screen messages & pick & choose if you want to call your mate back. Now look at it this way, if you went out of town on pleasure in Miami & your husband never heard from you & you were avoiding his calls cause you were having so much fun, how would he handle that? If he didn't have a problem I would be concerned.

5 moms found this helpful

I do understand. If you want, tell him that you have trouble sleeping without talking to him and ask him to please call you between around such and such a time. You could also mention that you miss him and would he please call your day gets crazy with the kids.

He's on a mini-vacay and can't pick up the phone when you are watching two kids?

Then again, maybe you need a mini-vacay, with a girlfriend !--Phone is only for "emergencies". :-)

Update: Just for grins, I asked my husband what he would do if he was on a mini-vacay. He said that he would make sure he called, if for no other reason than he would know I would be po'd if he didn't. He also added that I would be at home, while he is relaxing/enjoying himself and it is the right thing to do.

5 moms found this helpful

Sounds like he's one of those guys who needs for you to set your expectations with him clearly and explicitly -- rather than you just assuming that he will meet your needs by "just knowing" what you expect and want. It would be lovely and romantic if he just had to call and let you know he's thinking of you but...that isn't happening and you're angry. He's not thoughtful in the way you'd like him to be, I agree. So next time, make it easier on both of you: You both sit down in advance and he gives you his full attention as you discuss when he will call each day and/or when you will call him (as someone posted, the phone works both ways).

I'm sorry he didn't think of it himself. We'd all prefer that people were that thoughtful. But you need to set expectations with him rather than make assumptions and then get all upset that he didn't meet assumptions you never mentioned to him.

5 moms found this helpful

Did you 2 make an agreement he would be calling and what times?
Or are you just assuming he would call?

Communication goes both ways. He cannot read your mind.

They may just be having so much fun and he is not sure when you are busy with the kids, he does not want to interrupt your day..

In the future schedule calls with each other, when one of you is away.

My husband and I always try to have a time, so we are not busy and can take the calls.

5 moms found this helpful

I would LOVE to go away and not be in touch with anyone.....ahhhhh........
but I have a child and a spouse so I don't get that freedom.

After reading Cheryl O and Grandma T's responses, I want to get away and if it weren't for my daughter being so needy right now, I would not check in with my spouse daily. Also, if I could send him on a camping trip, I would not expect to be called.

4 moms found this helpful

That's nuts I'd be PISSED.
Even when my hubby is over seas he calls or emails ,once ever couple of days, at LEAST.

4 moms found this helpful

Personally, I would have expected a call when he got there to say he was safe. That's what I generally get out of my husband. Anything extra just kind of depends on what goes on. I understand that he USUALLY calls at least once per day, but he probably really is just enjoying some guy time. It's harder for us (as mothers) to go a full day without talking to our kids than it is for guys. (Of course that is a generalization and there are always exceptions, but you get the idea.) I would say that this would be a learning experience and maybe just use it next time to set your expectations ahead of time.

4 moms found this helpful

Why did you call and text his friend and not him? Was his phone broke? That would explain why he didn't call or text.

Really I am hoping you just worded this in a way that I misunderstood because otherwise you forgot a phone works two ways.

During normal times both of you have schedules and such, he probably always calls you at a specific range of times. During this weekend he is out having fun when he remembers to call you he is not sure what is going on in your world. It is no affront to you it is just trying not to be inconvenient as well as not there.

3 moms found this helpful

I'd be upset. I would expect him to let me know hes ok and to check on us as well.
Him not responding to you is not right. What if something happened to one of the kids or something?
Very irresponsible.

3 moms found this helpful

You can choose to let this upset you to the point that you're angry with your husband or you can choose to use this opportunity to tell him in an assertive manner that you felt hurt by his not calling. If you choose to be assertive about your feelings, the two of you are likely to be able to resolve the issue so that he'll call next time. He's more likely to be sympathetic than defensive, also.

I also wonder why you didn't call and text your husband directly. If I were him I'd be hurt that you talked with his friend and not with him directly.

Remember this incident is about hurt feelings. By eliminating the anger you have a good chance for good communication and a resolution.

3 moms found this helpful

He should call at least once a day.

If his friend is single or doesn't have kids, he could be just not calling so that the friend doesn't give him slack for having to check in. As a Dad tho he should be wanting to check in at least once a day.

My hubby goes on weekend ATV trips and I get calls mostly so that I know that they made it off the mountain. If it wasn't for that he probably wouldn't call.

3 moms found this helpful

I'd be mad. You have children. He should be checking on them. He doesn't have to "check in" with you but he should be calling to see how his family is in his absense. A call in the morning then one to say good night to his wife. How freakin hard is that???? I would have called non stop until he answered just to let him know it's not ok to ignore your family for any reason. You were worried something was wrong when you couldn't get a hold of him that's not fair or right. I would let him know what jerk he was.You are mad so it shouldn't be too hard to express yourself. If you have to have an argument then have one but he should know how you feel.

3 moms found this helpful

Well, couples seem to differ on this type of thing. On a typical day, hy husband & I mostly don't communicate until he comes through the door (or me on the days I work, I get home later those days). Unless it's a change in plans, or "please pick up some buns" or "You are aware there's an early dismissal today" type of thing, I really don't feel that a daily phone call is mandatory.
When one of us is away we tend to assume no news is good news. But I would expect a return call IF I tried to call him and vice-versa.
When he's away for business, it's more like "let me know when you get there and what day/time you'll be back type of thing. he knows I'll be here doing what I need to do and I know he's doing the same.
I guess the thing is that YOU need to let HIM know what you do and don't expect....

3 moms found this helpful

I think that's weird. Not saying he's doing anything wrong, but it seems weird that a father/husband wouldn't think to call you. Even when I've gone places without my hubby, and even if I'm enjoying my vacation (visiting my family), I still call him at least once a day to touch base. He's my husband, and it wouldn't cross my mind to not call him. He does the same. I would be upset if my hubby was gone for a while and didn't call me. It would be VERY weird considering how things go between us for him to do that.

I see that some say it's normal, but I imagine that's just how their relationship is. It doesn't seem normal for your relationship. I would try to calm down before he comes home and not be accusing or crazy or anything;-) Just let him know that it really upset you how he never seemed to think of you and next time if he could call once a day that would be great.

2 moms found this helpful

I side with you....I would be upset in your situation. It's very rude to not even talk, not to mention - he just doesn't want to? Not only would I want/expect my husband to check in, I would think he would WANT to and would be hurt if he didn't even want to call to see how me and kids are doing. I'd be more hurt than mad, but then again I don't know what kind of guy your hubby is.

Maybe you should insist you get a mommy-only vacay when he gets home and let him see how it feels :p

2 moms found this helpful

I would also be mad and all but I do think it's fairly normal. Not sure how you have kids 4 mons apart but in general, the kids are very young so this is still somewhat new to him. I'd call a girlfriend, rant and rave to get it out of your system, and then be nice when he gets home. After awhile, I'd say I was hurt you never called once but be calm vs whiney. Then he knows and if he ever does it again, I'd be pissed. If he goes again, set some ground rules.

2 moms found this helpful

Yeah, I'd be upset too since this is not work related.

That being said, I've been overseas and not called him every day, because the cell phone I've rented costs an absolute fortune to call overseas. And the time difference is a killer for talking to each other.

You two are just an hour apart. He is not being fair to you. I'd make it really clear to him how you feel.

Good luck,
D.

2 moms found this helpful

My husband does and has travelled a lot throughout our marriage. Sometimes we can go 5 days to week without talking. It never was a big deal. If I need him (emergency), I can get him. I just don't see a need to hem and haw on a phone call just to say hi.
Just as an aside~ my closest family and friends have been 300+ miles away, now they are 1,000s

2 moms found this helpful

I'd be super upset. At my house, this would not be a normal experience. When you talk to him, since you ARE upset, try to keep it under control so it doesn't turn into a huge argument. Remember to use "I" statements, rather than "you". "My feelings are hurt because I had expectations of hearing from you a little more this weekend and I didn't." Then before he goes on another trip, tell him what your expectations are. Good luck and take a few deep breaths before he gets home. :o)

2 moms found this helpful

Something is amiss. I would go with my gut . Don't whine or complain. Change the locks. He will get the message quick. And you don't have to say a word. In fact it is far better if you don't.

1 mom found this helpful

Interesting responses. I guess I'm spoiled because my husband and I do not have the option of not talking to each at least once each day, no matter what's going on. We haven't had separate vacations, but during business trips we talk and text and e-mail, usually all three. I think that no matter what he was doing, he could have found the time to eke out a text message to say good morning and another to say good night. Even if he had different expectations about the time apart, he should have felt ashamed that you had to reach him through his friend. That should have put it on his mind to contact you and reset the expectations. (I can't believe that he still didn't call you after you heard from his friend. How old is he?) I'm not at all a ti-for-tat person, but sometimes it's the only thing that gets my husband to understand how his behavior and words affect me. It's not always enough for me to tell him. In this situation, I would be tempted to blow up his phone in order to affect his good time, but that would just add to the stress of my weekend. When my husband makes some backward joke about wanting me to stop talking, I stop. I STOP. I don't say anything at all to him for as long as I can stand it. I ignore him when he talks to me. It actually turns into somewhat of a game. He gives me a big hug and begs me to talk to him. We laugh. It might start off in hurt feelings, but I turn it into a good time, and we both get it. (I realize that I'm kinda late in my response, but I am only now seeing this.)

I'm seeing this late and I know you have a lot of responses (that I haven't yet read) but I think your feeling are completely valid!!!!! I'd be mad too!!!!
Wish you the best.

I'm also coming to this late, but I am with you. My husband travels a lot, both for biz & pleasure, leaving me at home with 3 kids (4, 2, and 6 mos). He is busy the whole time, but he still calls me at LEAST once a day. If I don't hear from him I worry--not that he is misbehaving, but that something bad might have happened to him--car accident, mugging, whatever. Those things happen, and he knows that it just puts my mind at ease to hear his voice once a day. He also calls to see how the kids are doing, and to let them say "Goodnite" to him and tell him about THEIR days.

I hate to say this but, are you sure he was away with the friend? Did the friend cover for him? It seems like the friend contacted him to contact you, that doesn't make much sense to me why your husband never called, not once until AFTER you made contact with the friend. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Pay attention.

I would be upset. Its weird that he wouldnt even call to check on the kids. Its weird that he wouldnt even respond with a text which takes 10 seconds to send. weird.

My husband does this with regularity too, and it always hurts. The thing is, I know he loves me dearly, but he lacks even the minimum multi-task abilities. So, when his brain is focused on something out of his ordinary realm, the rest of the picture becomes very blurry and far-away! He will even forget to call me when he has a 3 hour drive somewhere, with all that time in his car! I now understand this about him, but am still hoping I can teach this old dog new tricks (ha ha). Ultimately though, I expect more from him, and am always peeved when he does it, and don't blame you one bit.

I try to use non-blaming language and focus on how it makes me feel: that me and our daughter don't matter enough to be missed, that he might be happy to get away from us. Sometimes I remind him before he goes: could you please give me a call each day, and call at your daughter's bedtime? I also often have my daughter leave him a message, which is a great guilty-inducing tool!!

When your husband (and mine) says that the reason he doesn't call is because he knows you're mad at him, this is blaming the victim, and a huge cop-out. I tell him that he and he alone created that situation, and the only way to avoid it is to change his behavior.

It sounds like your husband knows in his heart that he is wrong, with his (albeit) weak apology and bringing home dinner, and now it's time to accept it, with the strong but gentle caveat that you want it to be the last time he has to apologize for it.

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