I am getting very frustrated. One of my husbands jobs with my daughter is to put her to bed each night. I am home with her all day and I put her down for nap time and by the time bed time comes along I am ready for a break. So, my husband puts her to sleep. Most of the time she is somewhat difficult and he lays down by her. He ends up falling asleep along with her and then I spend the rest of the evening alone. I miss having time alone with my husband and if I wake him up he is really sleepy and I might as well be alone. I could use any advice you have.
Thanks
I really appreciate everyone's advice. I appreciate that many of you did not tell me what I wanted to hear and had a different perspective than my own. I am trying to be more understanding of my husband. Lately, when I want to be able to spend time with my husband after my daughter is asleep, I put her to bed. If I want some time alone, my husband does it, and usually falls asleep. It is working out. I just needed a change of attitude. So thanks.
Sorry for a not so easy answer. We have dealt with this and with number 3 we knew what not to do. She has to lay down alone. She will fight you at first but its the only solution. When she realizes this is the rule she will give in. Rock her or read her a story then tell her its night night time. If she gets up , keep putting her back, the effort will pay off.
I've been there, done that, only I was the one falling asleep. For a few months after my 4th daughter was born we had moved and I didn't have my evening childcare service going. During that time my husband would tell me to lay down with the baby. He and the other girls didn't want to hear her cry during what we fondly referred to as her bewitching hour. All babies have a time of day they are tired and don't easily fall asleep. This is normal and you must choose how to handle it. You either get to listen to her cry or you get to be without your husband. There is no magic or easy answer. He is going to fall asleep if he lays down and he's developing a pattern.
More so than that, you are developing a very dangerous habit with your daughter. I know a lot of people don't believe in letting kids cry it out. But if you choose not to let her cry it out then you shouldn't complain when this child grows up feeling the world centers around her and you will be struggling still to get her down when she's 2 and 3 and on. It's not easy to undo the mistakes we make with our children.
We slept with our daughter from the moment she was born. We lived in a one level house last time so until she was 5 years old my husband and I slept in the same bed. But now that I'm running the 24 hour daycare in a house with 2 floors we don't even sleep on the same floor. I can't answer the door in the middle of the night, tired and risk carrying the kids down the steps and I won't sleep on a different floor as the daycare babies. So that's just another thing we have to deal with. It's all about choices in this life.
You do seem to be missing one fairly obvious thing. Some people would truly LOVE to spend that quality time alone LOL. I've gotten rather used to waking up early in the am and not having anyone around to bother me.
No one can tell you what to do. You need to decide as a couple. No matter what this time will pass. Our daughter does fall asleep by about 9 most nights now and she doesn't care if she's upstairs with him or downstairs with me. If my husband and I want time alone though, we would need to get a babysitter for the night.
Suzi
My husband did this still does with the babies. "But they are seven months old so he gets a pass on that. ;) For a 21 month old get a hold of Ferber's book on sleep the newest one. The older one wasn't clear and had some people doing some really wild things like letting kids cry it out for hours, not what he intended, but it happened anyway. So get the new one. Sears has a good book on sleep as well. Either one should help you get your daughter back on track.
Meanwhile take a quick look at your husband's sleep habits. If he is snoring a lot or being outrageously tired and sleeping way too much, he could have sleep apnea. It he does have sleep apnea laying down with your daughter to put her to sleep will drop him like a light and it will be all but impossible to wake him again.
ya i know this could be a very difficult time but here the thing on how to stop him make it a family thing that both of you put the baby to sleep then you talk to her or whatever then or tell him how you feel or ask someone to babysit and you guy out for romace night dinner or do candy light dinner for the both of you.
Hi H., well i will start first by saying you need to communicate with your husband and let him know what you are feeling and why.
next, i would start getting him to lay her down and instead of him laying down on her bed he sit next to her bed on the floor. like another person commented this is very bad habit to start. depending on how long it has been going on depends on how long it will take to break the habit if there is one. also if you dont want to do this then have your husband lay her down, read her a book, give her a kiss and a hug and walk out of the room. if she gets out of bed tell her nite nite and put her back. if she gets out again then tell her bed time and put her back. if she does it again put her back in bed and don't say anything. it might have to be that for awhile you take over the bedtime thing get her in a routine and show him how to do it (just like you do at nap time). this way you break up the habit for both of them. also it may very well be that your husband misses her a great deal and wants to spend time with her but doesnt realize the problems that would get started. hope this helps mom of 4 W.
I didn't read all of the responses so I may be repeating, but whisper softly and touch him on the neck softly right before he puts her down so that he doesn't want to fall asleep! Let him know what he's missing!
If your husband is so exhausted that he is falling asleep when he puts her to bed, then you need to make a choice -- is it more important for him to put her to bed or to spend time with you. He's not falling asleep to slight you or because he's lazy--he works all day just like you do. Many people go on and on about how exhausting it is to be a homemaker (I'm one too!) but our husbands who support us and allow us to stay home also work hard and get tired too. Personally, I love having a little time with the house to myself--it helps me recharge and for me, having my husband willing to put the kiddos to bed is worth SO much that I would put up with a lot of other annoyances because of it.
I used to have the exact same problem with my husband!! We fought about it all the time. He works long hours, and as soon as he got home he would play with our son for a little bit then put him to bed. He would usually be asleep before my son was and it was SO frustrating.
What I do now is go check on them about 20 mins after my son's bedtime. If he's asleep then I just wake him up. I've tried to show him how to tuck our son into bed then leave the room, which works with me, but doesn't seem to work with him. He's never gotten the bedtime routine thing down. I have friends who also complain about this, so maybe it's a guy thing?? Just try and let him know how much this bothers you, and that it's affecting your relationship and he should take it seriously to stay awake and come back to bed.
Ho H., sounds like most fathers, i am a mother of four sons, all older-30, 27, 24 and 23. Have been where you are at, maybe this will work, have him drink a cup of coffee or hot tea and tell him to call you if he is getting ready to fall asleep, go in a check on him and her, i know it sounds like if i have to do that you should just put her down myself, just tell him how alone you feel at night, be open tell him that you miss him and need him too, if not this will become a bad habit for him and days will be months and months will be years and them you wonder where did it all start to come apart and the distance between you and your husband will be longer and longer, nip in the bud-now. Good luck, let me know how you are doing, alwasys, S....
This happens occasionally at our house too, although it's not a regular thing. He might just be very tired after a long day at work, and the combination of dark and laying down might be too much for him. You're probably going to have to choose between doing bedtime and having your husband awake. It might not seem "fair," but it may be the only way to keep him from passing out. Maybe he can find time to get more sleep. Or get some exercise if he doesn't - that seems to create more energy.
The other problem with him falling asleep with your daughter is that she may end up not being able to fall asleep alone if she gets used to this. That's not a fun problem to work your way out of later.
We have this problem too, only in reverse. I put DD to sleep at night, and almost always fall asleep with her. Either I'm exhausted by the time she goes to bed and want to sleep, or she takes so long to go to sleep that I get sleepy too.
The only nights that I manage to get back up are the ones where she's very tired and goes to sleep a little early and very quickly. These include days when she hasn't had a nap, and days when we work on wearing her out and putting her to sleep.
Maybe if you get her good and sleepy before bed she will go to sleep faster? Our favorite trick is to take DD for a walk. My husband puts her in the Ergo backpack and we walk around the block (about 1/2 mile) until she lays her head down on his back. She goes to sleep much better after that.
I hope that you don't hate me for what I am about to say but..... you need to be greatful that you have a husband who is willing to help you at all after he has been at work all day. If the man is trying to help you the worst thing you could do is get on to him for the way he is doing it. If you miss him, set aside one night a week (probably Saturday or a day when he doesn't have to work) when you can spend some time together. He is doing the best he can. You need to not be so greedy and selfish. Just be happy you get a break. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
If she is still sleeping in a crib, try putting her to bed as soon as she gets sleepy with a sippy cup of water (or bottle if she's still on the bottle),shut the door and leave the room. I know it's hard leaving them to cry but eventually she will get used to it and you will have your husband back. My daughter is the same age as yours and this is how I've put her to sleep and down for naps since we had her. I also did the same thing with our older daughter and it worked with her, too. It might seem cruel at first, but it won't hurt her. Sometimes it takes awhile for them to fall asleep that way, so it does take a lot of patience on our part but it will happen. :) Good luck!
I'd get him out of the bed and onto the floor reading books for 20 minutes minimum. She doesn't need the crutch of needing a parent in the bed to go to sleep.
Plus you need to make sure he's getting his 8 hours of sleep a day.
He can be in charge of the bed time routine but it needs to be active on his part so that he stays awake for adult time. Tell him how you feel then explain the changes in the routine then be firm about it. If you have to give up the livingroom for book time then do it, go shower, bathe, shave, moisturize, exercise in the bedroom for those 20 minutes. If they are asleep on the couch, then wake him and get him to transition her to the bed.
