Husband Extremely Hard on 1St Grader When Helping with Homework

First grade homework shouldn't be that stressful. When my daughter was in first grade she had to read for 30 minutes every night, practice sight words, and do about 15 minutes of math homework during the week.

I would ask for a conference with the teacher and both you and your husband. Express your concern about how homework is going without putting blame on anyone. Ask what the expectations are for homework, how much time it should be taking (general rule of thumb is 10 minutes per grade level), how independent she should be, and how to best help her.

Good luck.

If your daughter is struggling with her homework to the point of tears, especially in 1st grade, then you should let her teacher know. Her teacher needs to know this so she can adjust the assignments or look into the problem. Your husband needs to back off some, he'll only push her to dislike school and damage her self esteem along with it. The two of you should go and meet with the teacher together who should be able to offer some suggestions.

My DD is also in first grade and one of the things her teachers have said is that HW should not be a battle. If it has become one, we should discuss it with them to see where the issue lies. If my child cannot do the work they send home, they need to know.

My DD does 1 or 2 pages of math and reads nightly. What is your DD doing and where is the battle? Is it because she struggles in math? In reading? Does she need help or he need patience? With my SD, I took over math because I think the way she does and DH does not. It was so much easier. So maybe they do other things and you do the HW?

If you are seeking a family therapist or a marital one, yes, bring it up with them. Disagreements on parenting do pertain to how we perceive our partners and our family satisfaction.

ETA: I guarantee you this is just the iceburg on parenting. Please find a way to discuss your child's behavior and needs without fear of your DH being unapproachable. Your child is in tears. She needs your help. If you cannot talk to him about something this relatively small, then you absolutely need to discuss how he takes criticism in counseling.

there are two big glaring issues here. one is the homework- yes, it's troubling that a first grader is struggling to the point of tears. both you and your husband need a pow-wow with the teacher to address this, and hopefully your husband will 'hear' it better from a professional. making homework into a battleground is a perfect storm that will result in a child who hates school and learning altogether. this has to be fixed, and now.
equally alarming is your fear of discussing this with him. all marriages have boggy areas which have to be tiptoed through with care, but when it comes to the wellbeing of your kids- and make no mistake, this is a Big Deal- there's just no way that avoidance is acceptable. you say that this is a pattern with your husband, so yes, i think therapy is crucial. you've GOT to be able to discuss issues, even sticky ones, without fear.
is your husband the at-home parent by choice? if so, it may be time to rethink it. perhaps if he got a job, and your child went to a supportive after-school care program, the pressure would be off everybody. most of the time my kids had their homework done by the time i got 'em from after-care and if not, we worked on it later.
i'm sorry you've got a significant double-edged issue here, but that's how it looks to me. you need to protect and support your daughter, and you need to have a partnership where you and your husband can disagree and find solutions in a pro-active manner. a good therapist might just be able to give you the tools to do that.
khairete
S.

Have you ever ask him? That's not the same thing as giving him advice. Ask him about it. What does your daughter do that frustrates him? What part of the homework process I'd frustrating her? Does he struggle just to get her to sit down and do it? Does she star out happy and get upset when she first struggles?

You need to ask him, and you need to really listen. Right now it sounds like the only thing you know is that your daughter is upset when you walk in the door. You've concluded that he's a "cruel taskmaster," but unless you give him a chance to talk about how homework time begins and how it goes, you shouldn't assume or give suggestions.

Listen. Really listen. He might draw his own conclusions and have some new things to try. You might even be able to offer insight. But just offering suggestions would be presumptuous. You gotta give him more credit than that.

I know a lot of people are saying it is all your husband's fault that homework isn't going well. Maybe and maybe not...

I will say talk with him about it and find out what is upsetting her.

My son will have a crying fit over homework at the drop of a hat...he is in fourth grade and you would think that he would be over it by now. BUT it is his way of blowing off steam from a very long hard day in the classroom.

He does not like school and sees it as a form of torture. Then to add insult to injury he is forced to do even more of the work at home every night!!!???!!! He gets the work and understands it and can do it and do it quickly and correctly however it is just the idea that he HAS to do it that makes him mad.

We have a reward system for doing his homework without complaint or tears. It seems to be working better...

My husband thought I must be a horrible taskmaster over homework until I gladly handed it over to him and I think it was abut two nights later he gladly handed it back to me.

My daughter however LOVES to do homework. .

Sounds like he needs to be relieved of homework duty asap.
Just tell him "Don't have her do her homework, I'll help her with it when I
get home".
Hubby was like this w/SD so I'd see him get frustrated & step in taking
over. Went much better, smoother after that.
Well now that I'm home w/our youngest, guess who gets frustrated? So
what I have to do is give ourselves a break. When we get home from
school, we take a break, have a snack & an hour of downtime watching
cartoons, sitting & playing. THEN we tackle homework. It's a long
school day so they need a bit of downtime & a break afterwards FIRST.
Then I tackle homework in chunks, I do not try to power through it an hour
or two marathon. Do some, take a break from it.
You don't want to turn a kid off to school entirely which can happen.
Learning is an experience that happens over time not overnight.
Need to work with the issues not against them.
Kind of like swimming upstream....you don't get anywhere.

You wrote:
"I'm not sure honestly how to approach him about this - as with a number of other things I've tried to bring up in the past few years, he gets extremely defensive whenever I try to suggest something."

Can you see how that statement is an even bigger, and worse, red flag that there are problems, than the whole homework issue? The homework problems are another symptom of a much larger issue your family -- your whole family -- needs to work on pronto.

If you are leery of talking to your own husband about something as basic as your child's homework; if you are finding that every suggestion you make results in defensiveness that's "extreme" (as you yourself put it) -- you and he need couples therapy and/or he needs individual therapy. Don't put it off or wait. Find out why he's hair-trigger defensive about his choices and why he's so overly tough on a first grader.

She is going to remember this. She is going to remember that daddy expects her to be perfect, and over time, she might think that if she isn't perfect (at school, at anything else too) she will make daddy mad and maybe....daddy won't love her as much. He can tell her all day and all night that he loves her but if he yells at her for not doing her work HIS way, she will take her cues from the yelling and the ridiculous expectations he shows -- not from his declarations of love. Do you want that for her? For their relationship?

She is also going to learn not to upset daddy because she sees that mommy doesn't want to upset daddy either. Your daughter probably picks up, much more than you realize, on the fact that you avoid talking honestly with dad. She will think that's how adults relate to each other. Do you want to model that for her?

Please tell him -- at a time when he is calm and has not just been fussing at her -- that you are worried not just about homework but about the larger picture of your marriage. He may not see that, but I hope you can see it. You WILL get a defensive, angry response from him because, well, telling him you both need therapy is going to be one of those suggestions that may generate his "extreme defensiveness" but you have to be ready to deal with that.

Did the defensiveness over his choices and actions start around the time he became a stay-at-home parent two years ago? That's something to think about. Is it possible that he's so defensive because he fears you are telling him, any time you suggest something, that he's not doing a good job at being stay at home dad? Was he a breadwinner before staying home? Are you certain he wants to be at home like this? I'm not saying it's a bad idea; I'm just saying think about whether it's possible the defensiveness comes from fears and misgivings about what might have been a huge change in his role in your family. This really, really needs to be unpacked with a therapist, not hashed out at home in ways that will make him feel even more defensive.

Script out how you plan to tell him that you both need a couples therapist (I would go ahead and have an appointment set up so he doesn't have to wait weeks while you find one). I would be sure to tell him that there is a larger picture here and it shows a wife who is afraid to communicate with her husband, and a father who has expectations that his wife and daughter don't understand.

And yes, you absolutely must become the homework parent. Pitch it as "This would give you and Sally some breathing space. You do so much for and with her -- you are great at (pickups, getting her places, getting her ready, playing with her, whatever). I'm glad to give you this break. You don't have to take it all on yourself." Do that separately from the therapist discussion -- I'd do the homework changeover first, then tell him about the need for therapy.

You really don't want a little girl growing up like this. I promise you -- if she learns to hate homework (and possilbly school, because it creates homework) this early, it's very hard to get her back on track liking it.

My ex and I had a pretty terrible relationship in lots of ways, but even we could have talked about this!

You sound like there is no way you can address this with him. Is he THAT scary? My ex traveled all the time, and when he was visiting us, he had little patience and had an angrier tone than I appreciated for discipline. He would snap at kids, hurt their feelings, make them cry, and that was his idea of being tough. In my opinion it was often premature and uncalled for. I had explained to him that I was teaching them to respond to CALM directions without anger, so it took a warning, and then a consequence if necessary, but no anger, yelling, or hurt feelings. He never quite got the knack of how I wanted things. BUT I did pull him aside many times (because he wasn't one for whom lessons "stuck") to remind him, "Thanks so much for taking the lead on discipline when ____does___, I just wanted you to know though, it's not productive to hurt feelings, snap, and yell as far as discipline goes. You can implement consequences after a clear warning if the behavior is persisting, and that usually works, but you don't need to yell and make people cry."

He was OK with me saying that and really just didn't "get it".

There's almost always a positive way to say something to someone.

"Hunny, thank you so much for being so great about helping her do her homework all the time, but I'm afraid she's going to develop a negative feeling about school with all this drama. Can you please try to avoid driving her to tears? Why does she cry exactly? It sounds to me like you're doing a great job, but what's your opinion when this happens?" Say it gently and calmly and hear him out. Maybe he's just being a mean jerk, but act like you're giving him the benefit of the doubt. If he's frustrated then offer to switch with him for a week to ease his load. Or do whatever it takes to engage him in a conversation about this. It's odd you feel he cannot be approached even if he is the one home all day. If he gets super defensive no matter how calm and diplomatic you are, then YES, THERAPY, and fast!!!!

Btw, I have a child in first and one in third. I don't need to force their homework. They are doing what they learned in class, and only rarely do I need to step in. Maybe he's way too involved in her homework altogether?

You know, the fact that a 6 year old has homework at all makes me sad. She has spent all day at school, trying to be good, paying attention, and doing her best to follow all the directions thrown her way. And then she goes home and has to continue on, trying to pay attention, doing her best... but she's TIRED! And she can't focus. And your husband, who had who knows what kind of day at work, is also tired, and short-tempered.

Have you made her teacher aware of the studies showing that homework has absolutely no beneficial effect on learning? I'd start there.

Bottom line, your husband isn't a natural teacher. And I'm guessing that this isn't what he does for work, right? He's good at being a dad - playing ball with the kids, wrestling with them on the family room floor, that kind of thing. The dude can't teach math. Probably didn't know it was a requirement before he signed on to this parenting thing. Can't really fault him.

I'd start with the teacher and make her aware that your child struggles like this while doing homework, and that it's a strain on your entire family, causing tears of frustration in a 6 year old. Ask what purpose the homework is serving, and ask if there is any reason it needs to be assigned in the first place? If she has some legitimate reason (hard to imagine one, but maybe she's creative like that), ask if your daughter couldn't complete it during seat work time while at school.

Honestly, when my kids were in public school, we did run into teachers who seemed to think that it was an awesome idea to assign 3 hours of homework per night to elementary students. And when we ran across such a teacher, I'd kindly inform her that my kids needed time to be kids, and so we were going to opt out of all homework that took longer than 30 minutes - and could she please prioritize which homework she wanted completed first, in that case? And that was that. I never had a teacher push back on me when I explained it to them like that. And my kids' understanding of the material never suffered.

It is clear that your husband is not the parent that should be the homework person in your house. He just doesn't have the personality for it. Your daughter's tears should have been a clue to him to stop. Since he isn't seeing it, you must bring it to his attention and be firm that this is not okay.

Talk with him openly and designate yourself the homework parent going forward. If he reacts badly, this will be a big clue that you have bigger household/marriage/parenting issues to deal with. You can't keep floating along for years trying to not rock the boat by avoiding his irritation.

There are all kinds of experts who will tell your husband that what he is doing to your daughter is extremely harmful. Many experts don't believe in homework at all, for elementary school kids.

This is one of those times you are going to need to take your husband to the mat. He cannot continue to harm your daughter's education this way.

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire." Your husband is extinguishing your daughter's fire, he is making her feel bad about herself, and he's causing chaos in your home.

I too have/had a husband who was very defensive about everything, so I know how hard it is, but this is one of those things you need to take a strong stand on. If you need to take husband to a therapist with you, do so. And show him some research on homework and on the effect of parents who crush the joy out of their child's learning.

And like others have said, it's a problem that you can't discuss things with your husband. In hindsight I should have done whatever it took to force discussions with my husband (probably a couples counselor), instead of letting important things go undiscussed, as I had to do to avoid argument. Good luck with it.

Honestly? Tell him you'll help after you get home.
Ogre.

Well, if she's crying ... it's really time to step in. I agree.

In my marriage, if something like that wasn't going well, I could say "How bout I take this over". We don't have a perfect marriage by far, but if you don't feel able to say this to your husband, I think you're right - time for therapy or outside help.

So is your husband just upset if she's not getting something? I mean, not all of us are teachers, nor are we all patient. I have sat through all my kids' projects, reading, and piano, band ... because I am the one who is more easy going (and I can tune out if practice is really bad..). My husband does not have the patience for any of that. He does other stuff (plays hockey with them, etc.).

I would suggest telling your husband that this isn't working for you or your daughter, and seems to be stressing him out - it's too much to come home to at the end of the day with your other little one, and that it's ruining family time - not to mention, causing stress for your daughter. I would say you are going to try taking it over - say for a week - and see how it goes. That's a compromise. Stress what he does do well (if this helps his defensiveness) and say it's not a competition, you just would like to try giving it a whirl.

If you have to contact the teacher just to get an idea of what is expected, do so. Just keep it all light ... I think the little one has had enough stress over this. And make it fun :) Try to show her it can be enjoyable to learn with mom.

Good luck :)

Aside from the fact that he is guaranteeing that she will absolutely dread both school and her time with him, he's not helping her educationally. The purpose of homework is to reinforce what was taught in school, and for the child (read again: THE CHILD) to show the teacher what she knows and doesn't yet know. It is not a "test" in which the child must be forced to excel! The child merely needs to put in a small and reasonable amount of time to attend to it. If she doesn't get it, she can discuss with the teacher or put a note on the paper saying "I don't get this." That's her message to her teacher.

The teacher cannot possibly evaluate what the child has mastered or what she is struggling with if the parent is sitting there either doing the work or working the child into a frenzy over it. There is absolutely zero purpose to the homework under these circumstances - it is teaching the child nothing, and it is telling the teacher nothing.

This would apply if your child were 15. But she's not. She's 6 or 7, right?

Your husband seems to have some anger or control issues, so if that is why you are thinking of working with a therapist, great. If you can't talk to him, that's a problem. The whole family could use some help here. But in the very short run, I think a conference with the teacher about her requirements and expectations for work quantity/quality, how much time the homework should take, etc., would be good. You might also find out if there has been a change in your daughter's behavior in the classroom - it may be the result of this conflict with your husband.

Is it possible for you to change your schedule around so you help her with her homework later in the evening? (or are you getting home late and she is too tired?) If possible, just go with, she needs a longer break after school. and I agree with the posters who said, Thank him for trying to complete this task and set up a meeting with the teacher and your husband so the teacher can help talk about this, he should listen better to her. And the teacher needs to know if the homework is taking to long, sometimes the teacher will agree to having a child complete every other problem, or do some homework on the weekend to reduce the stress after school.
another idea-hire a teen to help "tutor" Maybe your daughter will enjoy the positive attention from a young teen and do better for her.

Have you witnessed him being a cruel taskmaster or just assume that bc your daughter is crying? Kids cry easily when frustrated. Do you ever do the homework and it's all clear sailing? I think you should tell him this appears to be really tough on him and it must be really annoying so why don't you do it for a week? Give him a break. Then see how it is for you... He could be too tough, your daughter could have a learning disability, she could cry super easy, she could be tired etc. I just wouldn't automatically assume it's all his fault. My kids have been in tears over homework. Sometimes maybe it's me, sometimes they're mad at themselves, all sorts of issues. And it's a tough job for the parent many times. As another mother posted, she took it over and then she became the frustrated one. So many people are demonizing your husband but before you do, try it yourself and see how it goes.

My 9 year old son is quick to cry. If he doesn't get a homework problem sometimes he will cry. My husband does not yell and scream at him, but he will still cry. Also sometimes my kids don't like to do homework so it I a fight.

In my house, my husband is the homework parent. I don't do well with it because my brain is so mathematically trained against common core, that I can't wrap myself around it enough to not confuse my kids. So my husband does it.

Also, if your daughter is struggling so badly with homework, then it may be time to meet with the teacher. In 1st grade, I gave my kids 10 minutes to do their math homework, and reading was 15 minutes. I told the teachers that was my limit and it never exceeded that with any of my 3. So maybe work towards that. Homework is to re-instill what they learned in class, not for them to self-teach themselves a concept.

In fairness to your husband, many of the parents with 1st graders have seen the meltdowns way too often to count. The full days and new schedule plus homework gets those little ones tired. I found sometimes it was better to try different routines such as snack and play before homework, other times the opposite but would your husband be up for having her do homework as much as she can , and then take a break and finish with you? Or wait until you get home and let him know he does so much as it is and that you would love to do homework with her for bonding?

I would talk with your husband about your daughter's frustration with her homework. Perhaps there is something that she's not understanding? Maybe it's time to find out how she is doing in school with the work? Maybe she's not quite understanding the material in the classroom. I'd definitely talk with the teacher about how she is coping with the work at home. I'd also talk with your husband. He sounds overwhelmed. Being a stay-at-home parent is challenging. This may be one of the tough areas for him. He isn't a bad Dad for it--He just needs to take a step back--Just like the rest of us do sometimes. Parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual =)

Check with the school and see if there are any afterschool programs to help her with her work. See if the teacher can make sure that she understands the material. And, carefully, bring up your concern for your daughter with your husband. Not blaming = / Just concern for her emotional well being with regard to her homework.

If your daughter seems at least average intelligence yet is struggling, there could be an issue. I lost my patience so many times with one of my kids at that age. Same with a friend and her child. Turns out they both had a learning issue. Eyes for my daughter which have been corrected and ADD for my friend's. It is incredibly frustrating when a child isn't getting something that they seem perfectly capable of. I think it's one thing if you've been questioning your child's intelligence all along. But for us, she had always seemed smart enough so I couldn't figure out the problem. First grade homework should only be a struggle in certain cases. So why don't you ask him if you can have a turn and see if he's way off base or in fact she does seem to struggle with things that shouldn't be so hard. There may be a simple fix.

ETA : I might ask him if he feels like her homework has become his responsibility. I know I feel that way sometimes and feeds any frustration I already have. It might be a good way to open up the conversation.

Is this the only situation that brings out his aggression? What about when she's expected to do chores, practice an instrument or play sports?

There is not one aspect of her life that will benefit from him treating her this way. If he can't discuss this with you and acknowledge he needs to change then you've got a rough road ahead. I would see if he would attend couples therapy, this doesn't have a thing to do with your daughter.

From your post this sounds like a marriage issue, not a homework one.

Boy, I could have written this myself. My husband is short-tempered with my son when it comes to homework. He attends an after school program now, and does his homework there. We then check it at home and go over any problems missed. The after school program has been a huge blessing with this issue.
However, one thing we ended up agreeing on is that my son should to do the homework himself on the first attempt. A brief explanation of the assignment is all he gets (if he didn't know it already) and then the parent walks away. If my son didn't know an answer or had a question, he marked it. We would go over it together later and do any problems missed and explain any problems not understood. I had to remind my husband on a few occasions of our agreement, and he relented in a most begrudging way, but it did work out better.
I don't know that there is a particular way that home work should be done- it's whatever works and makes the child feel confident in their work.
I'm sorry I don't have any experience with therapists, but maybe the school counselor could give some recommended reading that you both can go through together.

He should talk to the teacher and let her know his opinion about his daughter homework. The teacher could say, "Ask her to do her homework and if it is not done there will be a consequence in the classroom." He may feel pressure that he is not having perfect homework from his child. This could be a win/win for all. Your husband does not need to be as hard and put some of the teaching back on the teacher.

She should be able to do most and have him review. He can make a note "Olivia does not understand how to turn 100's into groups of 10's" could you please send home extra info or resource so it can be explained to her? This will let the teacher know she is having difficulty and you are aware and need a resource to explain it to her.

It sounds to me like he's unhappy being the "house-husband" and is taking it out on your daughter. YES, a counselor would help. You need someone who understands child development as well as someone who can work with marriage troubles. Because Mcjane, that's what you're going to have if you keep allowing this - marriage troubles, especially once your child starts have stomach ulcers and starts cutting herself...

Will he agree to having you be the parent who helps with homework when you get home? Let her have a snack and play after school knowing that when mom gets home she has to sit and do homework. If you think it is bad now wait until 4th/5th grade when they get much more homework. I believe it's really important to try to keep things positive. If it is taking your daughter more than an hour I would talk to the teacher about it. In 1st grade she should have very little homework. I think a therapist (if your husband goes) could be very helpful because he will hear it from another person.

No, a therapist won't teach your husband how to help more appropriately with homework. What your husband needs is to speak/meet/communicate with the teacher. I see that he is the SAH parent, but does he actually go to parent teacher conferences and communicate with your daughter's teacher? If a child is struggling with homework, most parents would speak with the teacher. Your husband may expect that the work given is something that she should have mastered already, when the teacher can tell him that this was a new concept just introduced that day or that half of the kids in class are struggling with the same thing. The teacher can suggest homework help strategies.

It would be helpful to know just what she is having trouble with. If she is having trouble with reading and/or spelling there is a possibility she is dyslexic. If she does have learning disability this is not her fault. She needs to be evaluated but may not be able to be evaluated until 3rd grade.

Another possibility:
Why is your husband a stay at home dad? Can he not find a job or was this a choice you both made for the benefit of your family? If he is unable to find a job he may feel as though he is failing his family. If he feels like a failure he may be projecting this on the homework. He may feel his failure is expanding into this area as well.

This is exactly why teachers are not sending home work home with the kids like they used to. Plus parents aren't usually able to teach the kids the work the way the teacher wants it done.

My granddaughter had home work 1 time in 4th grade and she's had homework maybe 3 times this year. They don't want parents working with the kids on stuff.

Plus there is so much research out there that shows kids who do homework every day have much lower test scores than kids who do all their work at school.

Kids in elementary school should love learning, it should be fun and easy. Like playing games to learn math concepts, Math You See is an awesome tool that some of our teachers have implemented in the classrooms. I used stuff like this in my classrooms in child care with colored teddy bears and other critters. This is interesting to them and it's not like sitting down and working out of a work book.

For the higher math they use similar tools. It's visual, kenesetic, audiological, and takes in all learning styles.

If your child really is bringing home work every day please talk to the teacher and find out why. Really, the teachers are finding it so much easier to get the kids to do their work during the day instead. If your child isn't getting assigned homework every day then dad needs to lay off and go to work.

Your child can do after school care or get picked up by a friends mom who could use an extra few dollars each week.

The way you're describing this situation your child is going to hate school and have horrible memories. He needs to back off homework.

You might just need to be the homework parent. Our friends says she cannot do homework with her son, it always turns into an argument but her husband never has problems. Maybe she has limited patience and her son could just be trying to push her buttons, might be any combination of things.

Is she struggling with something like math, spelling or reading? I am decent in math and have to admit I used to get easily frustrated when my son wasn't catching on quickly. How much work does she really have? In first grade (even now in 2nd), my son had only about 10-15mins, not counting 20mins of reading. Still, it would take anywhere from 15mins-1hr to get the work done. Maybe that's more common with boys because I have had he same conversation with other moms. I tried giving hm some down time after school only to find it was harder to get him to sit down and crank out the work, so I learned (and he knows) he needs to get his homework done FIRST, even before changing out of his uniform. Believe me, we have tried multiple approaches.

As someone else said, meltdowns at this age/grade are not uncommon. I might mention it to the teacher to see if she is having any difficulty with specific subjects or focusing in class. If it truly is not a lot of work and your daughter's not having any problems in school, then complaining to the teacher just makes you THAT parent. It's true that you don't want her to start disliking school, but homework is just a fact of life and it only gets worse. Talk to your husband about other approaches he's tried and keep trying. I don't think your husband should be vilified without knowing the true dynamics.