Husband Done Having Kids

Updated on January 20, 2019
B.A. asks from Ann Arbor, MI
10 answers

I have two kids, ages 15 months and 7 years. I’m 42 and my husband is 49. For some crazy reason, despite our ages I really want a third baby (we have frozen embryos that are genetically tested). My husband is DONE. I’m hoping to hear from people who struggled with a similar situation about how you got through it. I’m not interested in changing my husbands mind, just hoping I have a change of heart. I’m so grateful for my kids but sad about the babies I won’t get to have.

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So What Happened?

Thanks for your comments. I still feel sad about this, I'm possibly a little depressed as I tend to get down in the winter months and I had a very difficult fertility journey to have my second child. It's very hard to let go of my embryos, which is a whole separate issue. I appreciate everyone's thoughts, you've given me some good things to think about. 42 is not so young but I really don't feel "done" in my heart so I'll have to pray for some resolution to these feelings.

Featured Answers


answers from San Francisco on

It's hard but look at it this way: we just don't get everything we want. That's life. I completely understand the baby fever, I had it myself for close to five years, but I eventually came to realize that it was time to stop and move forward with the next phase of life, and enjoy it. Start planning some trips or projects, anything to look forward to that doesn't have to do with babies!

6 moms found this helpful

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answers from Philadelphia on

Another perspective...

I’m 49 and my youngest will be 16 yo next month. My oldest is living away at college.

My youngest has a very active social life and often sleeps over at friend’s houses on the weekends. My husband and I are having a ball. We are dating, going to concerts and shows and out with friends. We had fun in our 20’s but it’s even better now because we have more money to do things. Do you really want to wait until your husband is close to 70 yo to be able to do what you want when you want?

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Please understand that your husband will deserve to retire and get some rest. Do you think that you can care enough about him to have this change of heart? You already have a 15 month old. He won’t have a break for 17 more years -good heavens. I wonder if he’ll work himself into the grave if you push another baby on him.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

You've been struggling with this for awhile - you posted something similar last year and it seems you are still feeling sad about it.
It's still possible to be dealing with postpartum depression.
I had to be on a small dose of antidepressant for 6 months when our son was 1 1/2 yrs old.
Please talk to a counselor about it and keep talking to them till the baby fever passes.
While you hear of women having kids into their 40's it's not always possible for everyone.
In general our fertility really drops off after mid 30's - it's very possible implanting the rest of your embryos will not result in another pregnancy.

I don't blame your husband for how he feels.
If you and he had a child when he's 50 - he'll be 70 when the child is 20.
It's like being a parent to your own grandchild.
Putting someone through college when you are in retirement is no small feat either.
It would be worse if you and he could not afford to retire.

Another consideration - on average a woman will go through menopause somewhere around 51-55 - and your youngest will be starting puberty right around the same time.
You have hot flashes and tween snarkiness to look forward to at the same time.
You'll get through it but it could be a bumpy ride.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

I will be honest, I mourned for that mystery child every so often for a couple of years, but then as my children got older I got to a point where I no longer wanted a third, and now as my boys near adulthood I am glad we decided to stop at two.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

i'm sorry. it's a tough situation.

i'm very glad that you're not asking about how to change your husband's mind. i'm firmly in the camp of 'when one is done, it's over.'

having frozen embryos does change the dynamic somewhat. i tend to clutch my head at people who mourn theoretical babies, but when you've got 'em in this situation i can see how it makes it harder.

i think the most sensible thing to do is keep firmly redirecting your own mind back to what you've got instead of what you don't, exactly as you would with a toddler. and with the same degree of patience and love, not being mad at yourself for your longing.

'i know you want that baby, sweetie. ooo, here's a big hug. now let's go play snakes and ladders with the two we've got and enjoy them.'

sort of how you get through a craving to smoke or eat another brownie.

if you absolutely can't do it on your own, no shame in finding a good counselor.


3 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I think if you're questioning it ... then it's something else underneath it. I am going to guess (not a therapist) you have really mixed feelings because you have embryos. I would too. I can't imagine how hard that would be on some level.

I would find that deeply emotional - honestly. Do they offer counseling? I didn't have to go that route, but that must be very hard in a way. To know those out there and not use them. I sympathize with you.

I had another baby - after most people would be done. I wasn't done. My husband got that, and because I didn't question it (not once) he didn't either. I was 100% done afterwards. There's a difference I think. I've read through your questions, and I think there's a sadness that you're feeling that I never felt. It wasn't a given I'd have our last. It was kind of a bonus.

I don't know if that helps. My suggestion is to talk to a therapist to get your feelings out in a safe place. She won't have the answers but you'll uncover some stuff - some pieces to the puzzle. You will know better why you feel as you do. And if there's a support group (even online) for moms going through this (embryos) - you might find that helpful.

All I can say is - I would find that a struggle. I'd want to keep all of them, if that helps. That's not feasible though is it. I totally get where your husband is coming from. My husband would feel the exact same way your husband does. A strong marriage is crucial - especially with more kids. I have a larger family than you do and the more kids - the more you have to be on the same page.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Santa Fe on

I told myself it is probably hormones making me want a 3rd. Then I looked at all the positives to not having more kids. Focus on the positives in your life. :)



answers from Richland on

You realize you and your husband will be at least 60 and 67 when your child graduates high school, right? My parents were 42 when I was born, and they were always old and tired. I never got to know my grandparents and neither did my kids. Not saying your situation would turn out the same way, but it is something to consider.


answers from Phoenix on

No offense but it seems more about you than the child that you might have. Before you think I'm criticizing you let me say, that's kind of normal. The desire to have children is, at the bottom really an innately selfish desire. Fortunately, it usually turns out alright as we tend to love our kids. But kids at least deserve that much. To be wanted and loved. If you and your husband are not on the same page and you have another child you may be creating a problem for you AND that child AND your husband AND your marriage. Now chances are your husband would love that child regardless of what he says now. You know how we love those drooling, big eyed, poop monsters regardless of how little sleep we get. But is that choice a deliberate chance you want to take? Think about this. There was a time when we really didn't have a whole lot of choice as women, as parents (men and women). Sex resulted in pregnancy and sometimes a lot of children. Sometimes a burden, sometimes a joy. Now I don't know exactly how that might fit into this situation except to say that now that we have that choice we have a burden to at least think about the outcome. The two of you need to be in agreement without resentment on either of your part for whichever choice the two of you make. That is something that marriage demands and to the best of your ability you need to live up to your agreement. Marriage is not just a warm fuzzy feeling (yeah right). It's a contract to act in accord with each other's feelings and needs.(and that means his feelings and needs as well as yours.) Something this big needs to be unilateral. Good luck. And hey, give him some time. He might change his mind.

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