Husband Doesn't Want to Come with the Family on Vacation
July 08, 2011
Lake Charles, LA
We are leaving Saturday for a vacation on Florida. When the plans were being made hubby was not over excited but was ok with it. We have a beach house and are splitting the expenses. He gets along fine with everyone that is coming. I have been planning and packing for over a month. Lastnight I mentioned what he needed to bring and he said he doesn't feel like coming!!! Its too far, too hot and he works in the heat and doesn't want to go. We have NEVER had a vacation, our son is 17 years old. I told him we don't have an agenda, I'll do all the driving (only 6 hours) he can chill by the pool, sleep late, whatever... just that we want it to be a family thing and it won't be the same if he doesn't come too! I told him we are bar b quing for the 4th, fireworks, etc it will be fun and I felt like he needed to do it for us, all three of us but especially for our son! He probably won't want to come with us again after he graduates next year. My husband just doesn't want to go....I wish he would have said so a month ago, I wouldn't have paid my portion and let my son invite his friend. Its like I can't back out now, I wouldn't do that to my son. What would make somebody rather stay home alone than to come with the family? I am questioning what he will be doing while we are away??? I am livid...how would you handle this???
I forgot to come back and give an update. My husband did come with us on vacation. He DID have a good time once he got out of his comfort zone. Our portion of the condo could be blocked off and we had a seperate entry from outside into out area. we were on the first floor and the others on the second floor had outside stairs to access the upstairs. It was well thought out. I didn't get as much beach time as I would have liked but I didn't mind sacrificing that...we did other stuff. He was worried about our business (self employed) he said thats why he didn't want to come but once I got him out of town it was all good. We called and checked in every afternoon and I was able to take care of things from my laptop (only twice the whole trip) All in all I don't regret DEMANDING that he come with us, we had a good time and did our own thing, we did things with the others we were staying with but it was when we wanted to and it all somehow worked out. The next vacation will me just me and him.
Sounds like this isn't really about the vacation, it's about other issues you guys have going on.
Anyway, just to play devil's advocate, I am a private person & not a fan of being in large groups of people, so the thought of going on a "vacation" sharing a house with 22 other people doesn't really sound appealing or relaxing & I'd have no interest in it. This is why I think couples/families should plan vacations together, so that everyone's wishes are met.
the only thing i can think of is this isnt his idea of a vacation. you said he wasnt excited about the idea. what would he have wanted to do with his 1st vacation in 17 yrs? something close to home and not in a hot climate, it sounds like.
so, now he's being a pouty baby for not getting his way, when he really wasnt even clear about what he wanted. too late to change plans, since he waited to tell you. but maybe if you have a talk with him and acknowledge that you could've gotten his input in the planning stage (yuck, i hate swallowing my pride too) but just acknowledge that, even if it isnt true, for the sake of peace keeping. let him know that you know this is his vacation too and he should be allowed to enjoy it (ie all the concessions you've already made to do all the driving and all the work) and promise him that when you get back, the 2 of you can start planning and saving for a vacation of his choice. I dont know what that would be, but, maybe a weekend cruise for just the 2 of you? in LA, there isnt anything close to you that wont be hot, but, you could take a quick flight to Colorado. Just ask him to compromise. If he can come with you and try to have a good time (I swear, he sounds like a pouty teenage girl) then you promise to make the next trip all about him.
I would tell him how disappointed I was that he didn't say something sooner. Ask him why he doesn't want to go and why he didn't talk to you before you'd made the deposit?
Then I'd tell him that you've already made the payment so you and your son are going still. Leave him a "honey do list" for a few things you want done since he's going to have so much free time on his hands.
I'd have my son call a friend immediately and ask him to come along.
Go have a lot of fun. Take pictures and skip the guilt trip. I don't know what his issue is that he would think it's ok to back out now, but tell him you're sure he has his reasons.
Then next year, plan a trip for you and your girlfriends to Vegas or to on a cruise. Take the trip YOU want to take and let him do whatever he's going to do.
Silver lining: Better to go by yourselves and have a blast than have a grumpy/ whining/ complaining companion. Sigh. Learned THAT one from experience!
Also, a quote I have to keep in the forefront of my own mind:
"A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still."
How would I personally handle it? (see above) I'd be THRILLED he manned up and told me ahead of time rather than ruining the trip. But then again, I don't have a very good &/or happy marriage. The number of times my husband has "pretended" that he wants to go, only to come and be a jerk is FAR too long to list.
I would tell him if he doesn't go, I'm not going. Then I would remind him how much money we spent and that I hope throwing away all that hard earned money is okay with him! Then I would tell him that he can explain to your son that we aren't going and the REAL reason he doesn't want to go. I would then start unpacking my stuff. It would be a total guilt trip and I would silently hope he would give in. If he didn't relent, I would throw my stuff in the car at the last minute and off I would go. : )
OMG I would be furious.
I would not be pissed, I would be disappointed. I also would go with my child and have a blast.. Maybe try to find a friend to join your son..
When you get back ask your husband what the real deal was.. My husband is kind of funny about travel. About Sharing space with others and he hates spending money, if there is something he feels the money should have been spent on instead..
Make the most of it and leave the drama at home.. do not take it with you,,
"What would make somebody rather stay home alone?" First thought would be another woman! From there I don't know what except your husband is being a selfish man. I'd put a nanny cam in the house that covers the living room, kitchen and bedroom!
The three of you have NEVER had a vacation and your son is 17?
Do you have a friend you could invite along. No sense in letting your husbands attitude completely ruin your holiday.
think carefully before you spy on him. That's a whole other can of worms. Accept him for what he is....& don't look for trouble! This could be a deal-breaker in your relationship.
Flip this whole thing....& rejoice that he trusts you to care for your family without him. & honestly, the whole vacation scenario does not sound like fun to me! I'd chose being alone than in a crowd.....that's just where I am in my life right now....Peace.
I read your SWH ~ good for you! Go, have a great time and it will be a trip you and your son will always remember!!!
I too would be completely disappointed in the way it was handled. I'd definitely be discussing that at some point.
I just do not know how I would handle this!??! All I can say is that my feelings would be so hurt!
...this would make me very, very sad
...then fairly quickly, I would progress into very, very pi$$ed Off!
Knowing myself as I do, I KNOW I would talk, talk, talk to him about this and try my best to listen as much as I could...all along having the attitude of 'You don't want to go? Then don't go...I can do it myself!'
Can your sons friend come anyway? I would be livid too but one thing I have learned is if someone doesnt want to go on a vacation leave their @$$ at home or they make it miserable for everyone else, you especially. It sucks that he doesnt want to go and I would be more hurt i think. Try to make it the best vacation EVER! Not sure what made him change his mind, or what he will be doing while you are away. Dont let him ruin this for you.
Much though I love my friends and family the idea of sharing a house on vacation with them would make me want to run screaming for the hills. I just like my space, especially first thing in the morning. But I would never dare say it out loud because I know most of them would not understand and be offended. Maybe that's what's going on. I'm guessing there's not much you can do about it now, but maybe next time plan for your family to have it's own space.
He is being selfish, and needs to think about his family, not himself. Your son will be moving out soon and this will be an important memory for him, so hubby needs to ask himself what kind of memory will this be for your son? One of family love, or one where daddy does not care enough to go.
Hmmm you are going end of story is my first thought. I would try to discuss it with him further to see why he doesn't want to go exactly. Listen to him and hear him out. Explain how important it is to you two and if he still wants to go home once he is there that is fine you will let him.
I know you already decided that your son's girlfriend is going, but I would still have a serious problem with your husband not going on the family vacation. He should still be expected to go. It looks entirely suspicious and vacations are bonding time, but he's skipping out with no valid reason. Don't make excuses for him. This is the sort of thing that breed resentment in a marriage.
It's probably best to go ahead, with your husband or without him, since you've made the plans and invited a guest. Make it a vacation trip for your son and his friend.
But I wonder what your husband is planning to do while you're gone.
Or is he upset with you? Is he the sort of person who usually just goes along with your plans even if he doesn't like them? Is he feeling "managed"?
Solitude can be a great thing. As I write, my husband is away for the week, the doggie is with him, and it's just the cats and me at home. Ahhhh! But it was never planned to be a family trip, so that's a whole different setup.
Maybe you can let him know there are other people who would like to do this. And pin him down to a real reason. He didn't give you one. Sometimes people have social anxiety disorder and can't go away from their comfortable surroundings. Even for a vacation. Does he smoke or drink? Sometimes people prefer to stay in their own home where they can smoke or drink these days, perhaps he thinks he cannot be comfortable for a number of days like this. Just a thought.
I would tell him to expect divorce papers when I got back if he didn't go. What is more important that he's doing at home while you are away is what I would be wondering. Completely unacceptable. Good luck.
Is this totally out of character for him? My father has some social anxiety, and loves his solitude. He often opts out of family events in favor of staying home and working in his garden, playing his drums, or just having the house to himself (my parents have 5 kids.) Sometimes he still opts to stay home rather than come with my mom when she comes from Minnesota to visit us.
My husband HATES to travel, and only does so because I force him to (both of our families live in other states. He'd much rather just veg out on his vacation time.