Husband Didn't Do Anything for Anniversary

Updated on February 25, 2013
E.Y. asks from San Jose, CA
29 answers

Hi Ladies,
Our 11th wedding anniversary came and went during a family vacation to Disneyland. The trip to Disneyland wasn't for our anniversary, school just happened to be out that week. I looked at a calendar months ago and figured the vacation and anniversary would coincide and arranged for a special Disney basket to be delivered to the hotel room for my husband. He didn't do anything for me....not a present, not a card....nothing. The next day he offered to get me something from the snack bar since I'd gotten him the basket and I played off the basket like no big deal ("just a phone call and credit card #") but I'm really hurt that he didn't do anything. We were out of our routine so should I cut him some slack and let it go?

What can I do next?

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answers from Washington DC on

well since you did go to all that trouble of calling and ordering a basket - you should certainly make him sleep outside.

And it being such a golden anniversary - the 11th is special. Everyone knows that.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

Just talk to him.
Tell him, in a calm voice.
Why can't, you just TELL HIM?

Does he act like that every anniversary or was it just this one time?
Some men don't remember any special occasion, and it is unintentional.
ie: this past Valentine's, I got my kids and husband some chocolates. I gave it to my husband and he says "oh... its today?!"
He honestly didn't know.
It didn't bother me.
I just made a big joke of it, even my kids teased him because they know he is like that.
We've been married 15 years.

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from Seattle on

Maybe he figured the Disneyland trip WAS for your anniversary. Men are slow sometimes mama.
My anniversary is today. 10 years. He is at work today until 9pm. My kids are out of school, I have a bunch of household things to do, and a kid that has soccer practice tonight. I'm getting nothing. sigh.
Guess I just have to remember that while I would LOVE a celebration, I am actually quite in love with my husband. That's a gift unto itself.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Sorry, but I really hate questions like this. I can't stand that women choose to not say anything to their husband to "test" them to see if they pass the "present" test. I am not disappointed in my husband because 2 weeks before the holiday/bday, I say, "hey, our anniv is coming, what should we do? I would really like a new watch, what would you like?". Then I will leave him links or pics of what I want or whatever. That way there is never a disappointment on either side. I'm sorry you were disappointed, it sucks to leave it up to our men to make us happy. Maybe you'll take my suggestion for next time. Good luck!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

If I were in Disneyland I would just assume the anniversary WAS also being celebrated there. Unless you TELL him, how the heck was he supposed to know? I'd let it go, unless you want to make him feel really bad, or resentful that you are so upset, over something he had no clue about.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I think if your husband is faithful to you, and you have a nice family, is it really that big of a deal that he didn't DO anything for you? Did he at least tell you happy anniversary? I know I may be different than a lot of people, but I think when you are an adult it is silly to require or expect anyone to do anything for you. I think if they express to you a happy birthday, or happy anniversary, then a gift is a bonus but not a requirement. I think people put too much emphasis on stuff. You had a nice vacation, and I would be really happy about that. Not everyone gets to go to Disney.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I think we often put price tags on love. Like "If he truly loves me, he'll do XYZ." We also think that people should demonstrate their love the way WE would demonstrate it for them. If they don't pass the "test" then they don't love us.

Honey, you aren't the first woman to be disappointed on your anniversary and you certainly won't be the last!

I think you need to decide what's important to you. Is it really important that you get acknowledged with a gift or a card? Then you'll have to say something beforehand next time. My husband and I always decide ahead of time what we're doing for our anniversary. Also, I let him know that I bought him a gift (which is his cue to buy me one.) I'll often say "I got your anniversary gift today and you're going to love it! But I'm not telling what it is!" It's a nice way of letting him know what I've done so he can reciprocate. I also give him plenty of notice.

I'm sure your husband shows his love in other ways. Just because he didn't give you anything doesn't mean his feelings are less. Men just aren't wired to be gifty. As women we'll bring gifts for lots of occasions--showers, weddings, birthdays, hostess gifts. We just THINK that way. Men don't. When's the last time you heard of an adult male getting together with his guy friends for lunch and then presenting them with a gift at lunch? It won't happen!

I would let it go this year, and then work on next time. Just realize he DOES love you, and that the lack of gift or acknowledgment doesn't really mean anything.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

he is still with you, you have food, health, money and kids. Is there more you would want? Of course presents are kinda nice.
Men just dont care.
They are not doing it to you to tick ya off. They just dont pay attention.
I am sure he figured the vacation was part of it. After being busted by a basket, its too late to fix that right? so he left it. What can top it and not look lame.
Cut him slack, and if you want a present next year, tell him right out, and a month before or a week before the actual date.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Reno on

Well in my and my hubbys case i forgot this year (also our 11th) okay and a few other years. :):) We were married in December and that is a very busy month. (great excuse huh?) Anyway my point is that he was with you on your special day in disneyland. That is pretty cool. Let it go and remember each day you wake up next to each other is a gift.
many blessings.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Rochester on

My husband has never done anything for any of our anniversaries. If your husband has even THOUGHT of your anniversary for the past ten years, and is a kind and loving husband, let it GO.

My husband loves me, and takes care of me, and isn't a gift giver. When he occasionally buys me three roses, it means so much more to me than it would to most people.

I look at my mom returning beautiful jewelry because she doesn't like it, or asking my dad "Why in the world did you get that for me?" and my heart just breaks for him.

I guess my advice is to appreciate that you have a husband who took you and your family to Disneyland. Is that NOT enough of a gift, regardless of when it happened or why?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I'm not married anymore, but I did spend my 10th anniversary at Disney World. I brought it up when we booked the trip and said that it would be our 10th anniversary in DW, and asked if we were we going to skip gifts and just call the trip our gift. We decided together that would be our plan. No gifts.

I think you should have discussed it ahead of time, or at least mentioned to him that you were going to still do something special for him, so he could make a small effort for you as well.

I don't see this as any reason to have hurt feelings. I plan ahead for my birthdays/anniversaries, etc., so I'm not disappointed. Next year, plan ahead.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

A) what do you normally do for anniversaries?
A.1) if the answer is "something"...did you discuss celebrating with him before the trip?

B) He doesn't read minds. And the way that you reacted to this snack bar suggestion (though weak), just reinforced to him that you don't think this is a big deal. So why would he do anything different in the future?

Bottom line, if it's important to you, YOU have to say something. Otherwise, you don't get to be disppointed when he doesn't respond as you'd hoped.
That's a rule of thumb in our house. My DH would actually be mad at ME in this situation, if I hadn't told him that I wanted to celebrate in some way, and then felt all hurt that we didn't do something...

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

It's okay that your feelings were hurt. You understand how it could slip his mind, though, so cut him some slack. Just let him know that you would like some sort of love token at a later time. Decide what you need from him to make it all better, and then let that be it. Don't drag it out.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Wausau on

If you expect him to make big deals out of certain occasions, you must tell him so explicitly. Don't be upset about this time, because he is not a mind reader. Unless you tell him, "I want you to always do something special to surprise me on our anniversary." how is he supposed to know?

Honestly, I think the Disney trip as a family was a sufficient anniversary plan too, but if you require physical gifts to be happy then SAY SO.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Amarillo on

Men don't think like women do when it comes to dates and anniversaries. If you want your husband to do something for you you have to tell him exactly what you want or you will be disappointed. They are not gypsies and read minds it's quite the opposite.

I am sorry he didn't get you anything. Perhaps he thought that the trip was enough and all the excitement of being at Disney distracted his thought process.

My husband forgot our anniversary and it was number 25. Daughter asked dad what day was this and he couldn't even think. She asked him what he did and he thought about and was very embarassed and upset that he had forgotten. We went to dinner a couple of days later and I did get flowers and a big apology. So you are and will not be the only one that has been forgotten.

Don't hold a grudge over it. Life is too short and you never know when one of you won't be there. So enjoy life as it is.

the other S.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Forget an anniversary during a fun trip? This sounds exactly like the kind of thing I do all the time, and my husband, the absent-mined professor type, is not far behind –he's having foot surgery in a week, and was shocked when I reminded him this morning that it's NEXT WEEK! and that he has a pre-surgical appt. Monday, on his birthday.

He IS more likely to get me a card on the right date, usually, than I am. But we don't hold each other to giving gifts or cards or anything. That turns voluntary gift giving into something closer to a "prove you love me" tax. That doesn't feel loving to either of us.

We DO, however, let each other know when our feelings get ruffled, for any reason, including being forgotten. My camera broke last fall, and he offered to get me a new one for Christmas. I researched carefully for cheapest I could find with the right features, waited until I found it deeply discounted, and told him where to find it. He asked me if I'd go ahead and order it (which I did), never offered to pay for it or anything, even seemed uninterested when it arrived. I was puzzled, annoyed, and finally asked him, "So, did I just buy myself a Christmas gift from you?" I'm still waiting for an answer on that one.

But he's such an amazing spouse in every other way, I'd rather put up with this small deficit than not have him around. And I know he graciously tolerates my deficits, which are many.

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answers from Baton Rouge on

If you don't make known thast you want something, how is he to know?

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Yes. Totally. I'm a chick and even I could make a mistake like that at Disney. There's a lot going on, a lot of distraction, no time, etc, etc when you're on a vacation like that, especially with the kids.
My personal opinion is the fact that you are together after 11 years to begin with, that you're on a family vacation, that you're out having fun together, those say much more about your relationship than some $2 card or a gift. Don't just cut him some slack: celebrate your togetherness, woman!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

yes let it go. if it really bugs you, talk to him but it really sounds like an honest mistake and i think i myself would have assumed the trip was the wedding anniversary gift given all the $$$ being spent!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Eh. I mean I get that you're disappointed, I would be too. But, did you say anything before you left? I know that it kinda stinks that you would have to say anything, as women I think we sometimes get frustrated when we have to remind someone else (especially a man) of something that we would never need a reminder for, but it happens. I guess I feel like if you just went on this trip and you two never talked about it being over your anniversary then you should cut him some slack since it was out of your routine. If you talked about it and he still didn't acknowledge it then I'd be upset.

Either way, I think you should just talk to him and lay it out there. Don't let him get by with "it's just a credit card" BS, that's not fair and to me it sounds like maybe some chagrin talking there.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

Is he an otherwise good guy, good husband,dad and partner? Many man are not good at these events. They're always the ones out shopping on Christmas Eve becuase they're so bad at it. EVeryone has a love language. For some it's gifts, for others it's affirmation, for me it's acts of service. If your love language is gifts and his is affirmation and you don't understand that - then you're speaking 2 different languages.

If he's an otherwise good guy then let it go. But do make a point to let him know, gently, when you're not mad that it's important to you to recognize your anniversary ath being married to him is a big part of your happiness. Tell him in the future you'd really like some small token - even a card and a flower.

My dad left my mom and remarried very quickly when I was a pre-teen so I grew up not realizing how important anniversary celebrations could be to many people. My MIL was always better about acknowledging our anniversary than I was !

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Grand Forks on

I'm afraid I would have assumed that the trip was for the anniversary. How does he usually recognize your anniversary? I know for our anniversaries I will say "we are going away for the weekend for our anniversary", or "we are going for dinner for our anniversary." We don't do anything above and beyond whatever I have planned, unless I say "I need a new vacuum. That can be my anniversary gift."



answers from Atlanta on

I would talk to him and tell him that it really hurt your feelings that he didn't think to acknowledge the special day. (This way it doesn't become a repeating pattern). And then let it go. He may try to make it up to you, but, if he's a good man, he will not let the gay go unnoticed again.


answers from Indianapolis on

My husband and I aren't big on gifts, so we discuss these things. This year I'm buying him a guitar and he's buying me a nice camera. Those are the big things. So for valentine's I cooked him his favorite meal, gave him a back massage, and we had sex. He brought home a very sweet card and a big bouquet of flowers for me. Sounds cheesy, but actually I had told him I wanted flowers. So we both got what we wanted, and it wasn't about "gifts" but satisfaction. Our anniversary is in June. I'm sure we'll just go out to dinner together without the kids. In any case, we'll talk about it beforehand.

I agree with the others. He either forgot or assumed the vacation was for your anniversary. You should discuss these things from now on.



answers from Billings on

My husband never even remembers to say "Happy Anniversary" unless I say it first, much less get me anything.

I'm sorry your husband forgot.... I bet he was too distracted by the trip.



answers from San Francisco on

I think you should let it go and just be happy you got to go to Disneyland (even if it's not a romantic place). Maybe you should've taken a gift when he asked. Men seem pretty clueless on this sometimes. Say if you wanted a massage or flowers or whatever, let him know, even if it would've been a late gift. I bet he'd feel better about things if he was feeling like things were unbalanced. I feel so terrible when I don't get my husband anything big and he does get me something nice. I know it's hard when you feel forgotten though. My husband always asks me if I want flowers when someone comes around with them in a restaurant. I always say no, but sometimes I think it'd be nice. Like if it's my b-day or something. Maybe one day I will say I do want some. Communication is key!



answers from San Francisco on

I can understand why you are feeling hurt. With that being said, I would talk with your husband and tell him how you are feeling. Talking about it will relieve a lot of stress about it. It may take some time to feel "better" but it will be worth talking about your feelings. I'm always a fan of being honest about how you feel. Then it's easier to let things go.


answers from Hartford on

You should have told your husband ahead of time that the trip wasn't to be considered part of the anniversary celebration. You should have told him that you expected and hoped that he would do something special for you to recognize your anniversary on your anniversary during the trip.

You're entitled to your feelings, and you feel what you feel, but yes you need to cut him some slack and let it go. Tell him that you'd love it if, when you return home, you could both celebrate your anniversary by doing something special and can't wait to see what he comes up with. Be sweet and coy about it rather than accusing. You need to make your expectations known. He's not a mind reader.


answers from Spokane on

Our 10 year anniversary was this past July ~ my husband worked a double so he left the house at 7 am and got home just before midnight. I worked all day then drove out to p/u our 8 y/o from summer camp. We exchanged cards in the am before we left the house for work.
We're not big into gifts but if there was something I wanted to do or wanted as a gift all I would have to do is ask and I know he'd do it.
Cut him some slace and next year talk to him in advance about what you would like to do to make your anniversary special, for the both of you.

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