Husband Burnt Out

Updated on October 15, 2012
M.C. asks from Escalante, UT
45 answers

A few days before my wedding my husband crushed my lifelong dream of wanting to foster children, saying he didn't think he could do that after all. I was crushed. So we have nearly 5 biological kids now and he did later say we could adopt, so I figured if we adopted at least one, that would be such a joy. He says he's burnt out, tired all the time, grumpy, hating the commute, not able to keep up with the kids. I have morning sickness and he says I'm laying around like a potato, and he's burnt out from giving baths and doing all the dishes. (I am just so sick but I figured it's very temporary and I'm almost past the 3 month mark). He complains all the time and resents me being on the couch. I try to get up and I throw up.

So, how do I learn to be happy with just the 5 kids? And how do I deal with such a grumpy man who (even if we only ever have the 5) is still going to be burnt out? We can't move. His job is where it is and our house/schools are where they are. He can't ever get enough sleep unless he goes to bed by 8pm each night (and he sometimes does).

I'm kind of a high energy person (once I'm not pregnant) and envisioned raising children from lots of backgrounds. I would love that life! So this is very hard. He's so burnt out already (we're in our 30's) and I'm not at all. I am not doing his commute or job, true, but I am working a LOT with raising the kids and trying to manage everything. I enjoy that!

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

I'm surprised how harsh. I'm simply asking the age old question of the wife wants more kids but husband doesn't. Whether a person has 1 and wants more or 5 and wants more, the question is how do you find peace with being done when you're not really wanting to be done? Our kids are very blessed and have every opportunity in life (including college someday). The 6th would be an orphan, adopted. I don't see how that's selfish. It's just something I always wanted to do. And, I've been on the couch a lot for 2 weeks. That's how long the brunt of the sickness lasted for my last one. I normally never sit down, am active, busy all day long cleaning and attending to the kids.

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answers from Kansas City on

I think it's easy to say how many kids we want until we actually start having them! He may have initially agreed to five or six and foster kids, but now that he has 4 (with one on the way), it seems like he's hit his limit. I don't think there is anything wrong with how either of you are feeling. But, like other moms said, marriage is a partnership. And, there needs to be a lot of compromise.

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answers from Albany on

I'm sorry, I normally try to be very careful answering posts from pregnant women. I remember every little thing being Over The Top while pregnant. But since you're ALWAYS pregnant, I feel forced.

I can hardly wait for your NEXT post.

"Husband went out for diapers and never came back!"

Nobody here will be surprised.

Marriage is a union, a partnership, and you are bullying your partner. You need to put down your own needs and tend to what HE needs, if only for 5 minutes.

You think it's rough NOW, wait til you're a SINGLE M. with a half dozen kids.

Geez, and how often am *I* sympathetic to The Man?


36 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I am dismayed after reading your 'rant'. It tells me that you don't really respect where your husband is right now. That only what you want is important.

I cannot even imagine asking a man to bring more children under his care when he is feeling this tired and burned out as you put it.

I would never pressure my husband for more children if he was doing as much as you already describe. He's exhausted and stressed Mom. Why are you wanting more and more from him?

I'm sorry that your dream of running a foster day care is not happening right now. The God's honest truth is that you yourself can't keep up with the 5 kids you already have, if you're this sick during pregnancy.

Honestly, I am quite shocked by this self-centered attitude in your marriage. No couple should have children unless both are on board. IMHO a "no' to more children trumps the person wanting another. Because down the line the person not on board will become resentful towards the situation and added responsibility.

If you truly desire to have more kids, I think you should let the family number rest for awhile at 5. Give him the break he is asking for and well deserves. He might come around and he might not. And you my dear need to respect the fact that he is already the sole bread winner for the 5 that you have brought into this world.

Few posts shock me as much as this. Because I will spend the next several days of my life feeling sorry for your husband, who sounds like a hard working, respectable family man with a grumpy wife who is unhappy with her poor lot in life with just 5 kids. Wow....who is the real grump here?

32 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

I have to wonder what is driving your need for children. Perhaps you should channel your energies into running a daycare or teaching -- once you've raised your own, that is. I can't help but feel sorry for your husband. And if I were one of your kids, it'd be a true blow to my ego that my siblings and I weren't enough for you.

ETA: to Patricia -- tired all the time isn't normal?? thyroid?? Seriously, the man is working to support 5 kids, has a pregnant wife who isn't up to doing what she needs to to keep the house up, has a big commute and a wife who is dissatisfied with him not giving enough. I'd say that's enough to exhaust any man or woman. He doesn't need a physical -- he needs a break and some support and understanding from his family!

29 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

'just the 5'?
well, you're doing work you love, which is awesome. he's not, which sucks. i certainly think his burn-out needs to be taken into consideration. any mow who wrote in here up to her eyebrows with that degree of exhaustion would get a lot of support.
you've got 5 kids to raise. you can volunteer and mentor. you can get a job working with kids. there are lots of ways to redirect your desire for more children into something that will sort of scratch that itch.
your husband may have given up some dreams to support the one you're living. you may have to accommodate him a little too.

26 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I wasn't going to answer - but I can't help myself. I don't understand why you don't see how lucky you are. You have 4 kids and one more on the way, you don't have to work, your husband helps around the house and with the kids - that isn't enough for you?? I would give anything to have those things. My husband and I both work full time, we only have 2 kids and we barely get by financially. It took us 5 YEARS to get pregnant with our second child and that is the last one we will be able to have. You should thank your lucky stars for what you have instead of griping about what you don't have.

24 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Well, I suppose you could do one of two things with your high energy:

1. Pour that energy into your 5 children, home and husband, making the best life possible for you and them


2. Use it to badger your husband into something he is clearly against.

He's been pretty clear he's over the baby making part. Respect that!

24 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

Do you hear yourself? It would seem your husband is the only one with the good sense to say enough.

Just the five kids? I laughed out loud on that one!! I had four, people think I am nuts. I am pretty sure you can get someone committed saying just the five!

I get you want a lot of kids but if you have to rely so heavily on your husband clearly you can't handle a lot of kids.

I don't know what exactly you expect us to say. I am actually shocked he let you get pregnant again. He doesn't enjoy the extra work you are pushing on him, perhaps you need to start considering his feelings because it is pretty obvious that to this point you haven't.
And everything Mum4ever said! I want to find your husband and give him a spa weekend. Posts don't normally effect me that much!

You really don't get you were not asking the age old question because he stated before you married this was not the life he wanted. Somehow you got him on board for five kids but instead of being grateful for the five additions you continue to look at your dream being crushed.

Sorry but the age old question has never been how do I accept I can't bully my exhausted husband into adopting a few more.

Selfish is only thinking of yourself and that you are doing. You are not thinking about if your husband can handle your dreams, you aren't even looking at if your kids are okay with your dreams, you are only looking at what you want and that is the definition of selfish.

20 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

Are you serious? Give him a break. I heard scrapbooking is fun. Try that. Yoga?

19 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Listen to your husband. He is worried, tired and fed up. He is telling you he can't keep doing this. You need to hear him. He is exhausted from stress, commute, kids and grumpy wife.

Don't you understand how blessed you are? No of course not. You are focusing on what you don't have and what you need to look at is what you DO have. You have a beautiful family with 5 healthy kids. You are SO blessed with that.

All I hear is I, I, I. He is grumpy, he is burnt out. Well, duh! He is trying to provide for 5 kids.

I believe you need to re-evaluate your idea of family. Sometimes its better than what we anticipate. We don't always get what we want, sometimes we get more.

18 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

Going to have to side with the husband here, mom. Your husband is not a dog, he isn't out to keep on making babies for you. I am assuming he has half a brain, and realizes he is unable to care for, make money for, and continue to work at the pace he is for your brood of 5. You may have wanted an even dozen, he does not.
Are you going to afford to send all your kids to college? Can you properly maintain six or more children? Your husband has to do all the bathing, and dishes? I was sick all through 3 of my pregnancies, and my husband didn't do anything. I brought a bucket along and I puked as I cared for the offspring I had already brought into the world and that NEEDED ME.

Instead of thinking when I can adopt or foster the next 5 from different countries. I would start thinking if I even CAN adopted more. Adoption is very expensive. Can you do it with the 5 you have. I doubt the agencies will allow you to, if you have too many kids already.
Your husband is your partner. You chose him.
He breaks your dream on your wedding day and still you marry him. You go on to have 5 of your very own kids. Your not happy? Honestly, you have a fear of being alone, and you fill that feeling of emptiness with more children. That is not always the healthy or correct way of going about it. Soon enough your husband is going to leave you with the brood, ALONE.

I think its time to focus on them and your husband now. Once you can get off the couch. They make medications for that.

I see your in Utah, are you of a religion that requires these many children?

16 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Your husband has every right to be stressed...most would in his shoes. It sounds like you have a kind of pathological need for children that probably should have been sorted out before you married. And honestly you may want to seek a little counseling here. IT is very apparant that more babies are not good for your situation yet you want more. Your husband is stressed from not only doing a ton to raise them but probably also with the idea of how he is going to support them. And then the stress of you being unhappy that he doesn't want anymore. And THEN the stress of a job. This amount of stress is HIGHLY toxic to the system. LEt go of your dream of raising a ton of kids and concentrate on the ones that you already have.

15 moms found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

Added after your SWH: No, MC, your question is NOT the same as the age old question of the wife wanting a child when the husband doesn't. You are trying to make your wishes that simple, but they just aren't. You have your head stuck here, and you need to get out of it.

If you don't pull out of this fantasy, your husband might walk out of it. He might pay the child support, but you won't be able to live on just child support. You need to start respecting your husband. Why you think that your family "has" to include an adopted orphan is beyond me.

You learn to be happy with just 5 kids by just being happy with 5 kids. Just because you are a high energy person and want more kids doesn't mean that he has the high energy you have.

You two have a lot of kids. He is working and helping with the kids. For your children's sake, accept that the baby making days will be done after this baby. You need to respect your husband's feelings in this matter.


15 moms found this helpful


answers from Salinas on

I think you should have the baby you're carrying before lamenting the fact that your husband doesn't want any more. Sometimes people are so busy wanting what they don't have they miss what's right in front of them.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Your husband is the sole provider for your family. You have 4 going on 5 kids, and you wonder why he is burnt out? My husband would be to if he had to ensure the comfort, safety and health of 5 people, soon 6 in his family. It's hard enough raising one comfortably. I'm sorry to say this but you knew what his feelings were before you married him. In a marriage sometimes you have to let go of things, or sacrifice what YOU want for the family.

You need to look inside yourself and see why 5 kids isn't enough for you. You will have 5. I know plenty of women out their struggling to conceive one child. One. Who would be gracious and blessed to have one child. Never thinking of the need to " I'll just have one more then I will be happy". Be happy for what you have, not what you desire to have. That's selfish. Your old enough where your wants can hurt you. Your husband is exhausted. You need to be supportive to him, and recognize that he has needs to.

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

My reply would be to imagine the situation reversed. what if he was the one who wanted more children and you were the one burnt out? how would you feel about being pressured into taking on more work? If you have 5 children already, you have been blessed many times. If you are meant to have more, then it will happen, but I do think you need to take your husband's feelings into consideration more, lest you find yourself doing all of the work yourself. Then you may not have the luxury of being able to sit on the couch and get sick. No such thing as a sick day for moms! Good luck to you, your husband and your children.

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Well, you could stop referring them as "just the five kids." Sounds a little dismissive, don't you think? You don't sound very grateful, which really lights my fire. How are you happy about them? You realize you have 5 beautiful , healthy children...and you stop being selfish. You appreciate THEM, and not focus on what you don't (and shouldn't) have.

Mum4ever♫ said everything I wanted to, and much better. Read her comments over and over, until you get it through your thick skull.

At what point does I,I,I...become WE...or anyone but yourself?

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

A couple of thoughts... you have FIVE children and you don't seem fulfilled by them because they are your biological children and not from mixed backgrounds... if that's what you are telling us than what message are you sending them?!

My other thought was Zofran... that might quell your morning sickness so that you can be a more productive member of the household and he won't have to do it all.

Finally I want to say to be careful what you wish for...this last baby might be such a handful that you won't know whether you are coming or going...

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

4 kids plus a sick pregnant wife are a lot to deal with.
How would one more child satisfy more than what you have now?
If you really like kids, consider opening a day care once you are on your feet from this last pregnancy.
Take in a few kids to babysit and if you have enough to warrant it - hire someone (a teen maybe) to help with them all.
As your kids get older and more are in school, you fill in with more day care kids (and you bring in some income to help Hubby out).
You can do this up to retirement age.

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

"How do I learn to be happy with just the 5 kids?" You get up in the morning, thank God or the universe or whatever fits with your belief system for all your blessings and you LOOK into the faces of each of your beautiful children and say to yourself " You ARE enough for me! I have everything I need right here!" Seriously. Do it. You will not be satisfied with what you have until you make a conscious effort every day to focus on and be grateful---actively grateful (not just in words)--- for all that you DO have instead of what you don't.

You stop and take a step back and put yourself in your husband's shoes. Getting up, doing a long commute, working all day, coming home and doing kid duty and dish duty and then dealing with sick wife who does not seem satisfied with her life. Does that sound like a scenario that needs any more stress?

On top of that, imagine the constant pressure of knowing he's the sole supporter for soon to be 7 people. That in itself is emotionally exhausting.
Can you *really* feel what that must be like for him? S E V E N people....all on him. Doesn't matter how much money he makes or how secure his job is, that's a lot of pressure.

Ever hear of the saying "the straw that broke the camel's back?" To me, that seems to be where your husband is right now. He's doing all he can to take care of his family and provide a good life for all of you. He's helping with the kids and house when he gets home. And he's getting continued pressure to add just one more. What do you think that feels like to him? Most anyone would feel "grumpy," exhausted, and worn-out under those circumstances. He's at his breaking point, and as his partner in life, you have to help that situation, not add to it.

Sometimes, it's hard to see things from another perspective, and that's where other people can be really helpful. Try not to view these responses as harsh but rather as people who took time out of their day to help you see something you haven't been able to see on your own.

Another thought I had was for the baby you're expecting. Actually, it's a feeling.....a feeling of sadness. Usually, when a woman is about to give birth, she is focused on the baby, imagining what the baby will be, thinking of names, what it will feel like to meet the new baby, etc. What are you thinking of? The NEXT child. You haven't even given birth yet, and you are allowing your attention to be dominated by thoughts of some other child in the future. You're grieving for the dream of that child instead of focusing on the child within you and the four little ones already surrounding you.

It is hard to give up a dream. But really, you HAVE your dream.
What would #6 give you that you don't already have?

Truly wishing you all the best to come to peace with this.

J. F.

I really hope you will try to put aside your hurt feelings, step back, and take another look at the responses you've received. Or put them aside for the moment and come back to re-read when you might be more receptive. There are really some words of wisdom here that can only help your marriage and your life, if you will let them.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Whether it was few days before the wedding or a few years, your husband told you then that he could not be on board with fostering children. You say this was a life long dream, so I imagine it was a bit devestating for you. But you still married him. You were told and knew then that this was part of the package when you married your husband. After marriage and family, dreams, goals and plans change. Compromises have to be made. If fostering children was a non-negotiable for you, you probably should have really considered that before you said , "I do". This revelation should not really be a surprise to you.

Be grateful to your husband. He is picking up the slack while you are ill. He is providing for the family. He is making a commute he hates every day for you and the children. You say you enjoy your job as a homemaker and work hard at it. Can you imagine if you didn't enjoy it? The stress and strain you'd feel each day getting out of bed knowing the chores that lay before you. This is how your husband feels, especially right now while you are incapacitated. Your husband is being honest, communicating with you and expressing how he feels. You feel he is not supporting your dream. He feels like you are not supporting him, not supporting the flesh in blood in front of you. Step back from your disappointment over more children and see what you have in front of you.

There are many ways to be involved in children from other backgrounds. Start researching those options. When your children are older and you have more time, you'll be able to fulfill your needs and wants. Right now your husband needs and wants more time. He can't get that with more children.

Take solace in the children and family you do have. Enjoy your children. Take this as an opportunity to spend more time with each individual child. Remember how lucky you are...there are many people praying and hoping for just one baby. Be grateful for what you have, not pine over what could have been

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Sarasota on

You find peace by being grateful and mindful of the multitude of blessings you have now. You have 5 children, your cup runneth over. You accept and support the fact that your life partner cannot handle anymore children. He is telling you now his back is against the wall. Accept the wonderful life you have now for what it is. Partnerships require constant sounds like he is doing his part and it is time for you to reciprocate.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I would recommend devoting a lot of time and energy building up your marriage. Your husband is communicating in so many ways that he is not happy. Please don't take his frustration lightly or something just to learn to live with. Maybe figure out how to make his life better. Unhappy husbands lead to unhappy marriages which leads to unhappy kids. Your marriage is the floor your kids are standing on so please make it as solid as you can. Try and figure out what he needs and what he wants. Perhaps if you started being his girlfriend and courting him anyway you can, I know hard with morning sickness, that he would have the bounce
back in his step. Make it about him because by doing that you are actually
looking out for your kids. Shelve the adoption for now until your husband is in a better place. Maybe one day when your kids are older you guys can adopt an older child. First order of business is taking care of hubby and his quality of life. Blessings!

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Indianapolis on

Wow.. My husband wanted 1 little girl. We ended up with a surprise angel, so now we have 2 beautiful daughters. And we're done. We're barely surviving financially.

Not to sound harsh... But you do realize the early Americans had numerous kids for a reason, right? Many kids died back then, and children helped their parents farm.

I could think of many other things you could use your high energy on. This is NOT something to fight your husband over. You never want to get them to agree by manipulation.

It sounds like you are disappointed, but it is actually hard to understand why. You knew his opinion when you got married. I agree with the others who have suggested a daycare or teaching position. Loving kids doesn't mean you have to raise a ton.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Grand Forks on

Volunteer with an organization that helps high-risk kids, or the "Big Sister" program.

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answers from St. Louis on

he entered the marriage with honesty.

if you felt so strongly about adopting, why didn't you call it quits & find someone more in sync with your desires?

after this 5th child, switch jobs with your husband for one year....& then see how you feel! I do believe you will feel "grumpy & burnt out".

Sorry! My heart goes out to your husband! He's pulling the load solo. The only way you have a right to complain would be if you worked outside of the home, too. Then all childcare/raising would be split equally between you & your husband. Then you'd have the right to complain. At this point, the poor man is pulling his workload + what you have chosen to be responsible for.

& as for the "mean" comments....take a step back & look at our prospective: you're battling morning sickness (been there), you're laying on the couch (nope, I still fulfilled my duties so my DH could work his job only), & you're complaining about how he crushed your life. Nope.....not seeing it! If you have time to be on this forum, then you have the ability to be responsible for your self-chosen duties.

To me, this is rampaging hormones & life will be good again once you get off of the couch! & this is not meanness...this is pure honesty from my viewpoint....which differs vastly from yours. Peace to you!

8 moms found this helpful


answers from La Crosse on

He is grumpy with every right because he is burnt out right now. He is working a full time job.. then coming home and also taking care of his family because you can't help him. So right now its him doing most of the work... soon enough you will be able to help out, but right now you aren't able to give your 100%.

Atleast he is telling you he is burnt out. He is still talking to you and expressing his feelings instead of turning them against you. You need to start helping him out more even if its hard for you... its hard for him with you not. You need to understand that while you have your dreams.. so does he. That's the thing about marriage, you compromise! I'm sure he has given up some of his dreams also.

I think you need to turn this all around and realize that while you may not ever get to be a foster parent you have so many other options out there to help kids once your ready.. after the morning sickness is over... after the baby... in a couple of years... once they are in school... when ever you both feel is the right time you go and work with those kids outside of the home ( honestly you will reach more kids that way than the few that would come through your door if you were a foster parent). You still be able to help children from every back ground in life... you just have to tweak it some... and have it be in their home, not yours.

Instead of dreading on what he wont let you do... you need to be really thankful for everything he IS doing for you and your family!! Because right now your husband is giving you and the kids 110%. You need to be thankful you have a husband who is willing to do that... not everyone is so lucky!

My heart goes out to your husband that unfortunately right now you are so focused on yourself right now who admitted you aren't able to do your share right now with the house and kids and that you aren't looking past your own nose and seeing everything your burnt out husband is doing for you and giving you. Right now he is doing everything he can for the kids and for you to make it easier on you at this moment and you can't even see it because you are too wrapped up in yourself :(

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

I can relate to your post in a way . . . I have two sons and wish I had had more when I was younger.

That being said, the best thing for me has been to accept my own role in choosing the life I have, and to be thankful for it!

You are not a victim. Your husband DID tell you his feelings just prior to your marriage and you COULD have backed out (no matter how embarrassing or costly that might have been).

I'm jealous of your five! And I'm sure there are women jealous of my two. Enjoy it and make the most of it and don't look back.

I'd stop making my husband feel deficient. That's hurtful to men, especially when they really love their women.

Good luck - I mean this in a kind way. Been there myself . . .

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Boise on

First I would be having the hubby get a physical.

Then you have to accept that 5 kids is his limitations, at least for now. He would be doing any other children brought into the family a disservice if he didn't say "I can't do this anymore". He's asking you to let him enjoy the children you do have. He's telling you that he is falling apart and your concern is that you won't be raising more children. Listen to how that sounds.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

Not to pile on as most people have already said what I thought after reading your post but one more thing - I agree adopting a 6th isn't selfish as adopting is a generous thing to do but why have 5 of your own if your lifelong dream is to foster and adopt? How many kids is enough? If you have 5 biological and want to foster/adopt, are you talking 6, 7, 8? Where does it end? Why didn't you have one or two biological and then adopt to get up to 5 if you're so altruistic and unselfish? Your husband is going way way above the average # of children with 5 so you could have planned to adopt before having 5 of your own. So maybe blame yourself some too vs all your husband... And everyone has pretty much told you to stop being so incredibly self centered and look into therapy as to why 5 kids isn't enough but I have to comment on the grumpy part too - HE'S grumpy?? For one, he has every right given his lifestyle and responsiblities and two, how about looking in the mirror?? You're not happy being financially supported with 5 kids lying on the couch 1/2 the time?? That's not only grumpy but it's greedy. I feel sorry for your poor husband. Poor in many senses of the word too...

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Salt Lake City on

How do you get over any dream being dashed? Well, you mourn the loss of your dream for a short period and then you move on. Create a new dream that everyone can be on board with. What else have you always wanted in life? What other new goal can you work toward? If you are not sure yet, start with something small, maybe learning something new or even decorating new baby's room. Occupy yourself, keep yourself busy with a project, and start making plans for your new dream.

P.S. Talking to anyone who has adopted, or reading adoption message boards, might be the reality check that helps you get over this. Adopting sounded fun, fulfilling and relatively easy compared to pregnancy until I had a friend who actually went through the adoption process. I know she loves her daughter, but holy cow, it made the pregnancy process (morning sickness and all) seem like a breeze in comparison.

Also, maybe down the road, having a foreign exchange student stay with your family for a while might be a different option?

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

If husband is being honest and says he is burnt out and done, you really have no choice but to respect his decision, right?

Good news is, you guys are still relatively young (in your 30's) there is a good chance that 10 years down the line, when things mellow out for you guys, and your youngest is way past baby stage you guys will *still* be relatively young (in your 40's) and maybe you can re-visit the option of adoption???

I think husband has already agreed and given you 5's not like he is being unreasonable and shooting down your dream of having a big family...he has given you that! So I say, your turn to give him what he wants, which is a break from adding more kids to the mix.

But you never know, maybe down the road you can address is again??
How does that sound??

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Bloomington on

I was also shocked at your post, but will only address one thing.

Unless you plan to adopt an infant, it will be very difficult for you to be approved to foster/adopt an older child, especially those in the system. It's not just the matter of space in your home, finances, etc. It also has to do with how the fostered/adopted child will relate to EACH of your children. The system puts the fostered/adopted child's needs first.

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answers from Washington DC on

5 kids is a wonderful blessing. I respect your wish to be a foster parent and/or adopt, but without a stable marriage, what you have is a disaster scenario. Love your husband, love those kiddos, and be thankful. If you push too hard, you're going to wreck the good thing you've got.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Tucson on

I haven't taken the time to read all of the responses, so I hope I'm not duplicating too much. As a biological M. of 5 who has since fostered and adopted 3, I understand your desire to help raise children from other places who otherwise might not have a home. There are so many other ways to help though. If you are at a point (obviously after the puking and probably whole pregnancy are over) where you feel like you can devote some time, there are great programs that need people like you. You can contact your local foster care agency and see where there is a need. Even without the children permanently being in your home you can make a difference in their lives.
I can understand your hubby's reluctance to participate in foster care. It is exhausting and frustrating especially dealing with idiot parents who place their own wants above their children's needs and seeing the sometimes devastating effects that can have on the children. It is difficult and not everyone is cut out for it...most people aren't cut out for it. Love all the little angels that you have been blessed with and the moments that doesn't seem quite enough you can volunteer at the hospital, preschools, elementary schools and so many other places that so desperately need people like you. Don't force your hubby and don't dwell on what your plans used to be- plans change and often for the better. :-) Good luck with everything.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

wow Maybe if you dont take 3 months off every year or being sick he'd be more likely to want more? but seriously i would think if you're that upset and fighting with him that you need toknow why you have a void that kids bviously are not filling. You didnt even have this baby are you so aware that you'll want more kids even before you have this one? i would say that right there shows you have an issue.
work at a daycare or something if you crave babies that much
enjoy your kids and then enjoy their kids when they have them??

I worked full time with morning sickness and puked on the way into work, at work, drive home and so on...if you want that many kids you should be stepping up and doing baths and dishes even when you';re sick...afterall he didnt sign on to work full time and then be a full time single parent for 3 months as well every year.

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answers from Phoenix on

He is telling you what he needs, point blank, and you are more worried about yourself and your wants. You already have 5 kids. I'm not seeing what the problem is. He works at least 40 hours a week & helps with the load at home, too & all you can think of is yourself. Of course he's burned out! He's the only breadwinner & has no down time & all you can think of is creating more mouths to feed.

Why don't you go work a full time job & then come home and deal with all the same things you deal with at home now, in 3 hours a night. I guarantee that you would be thinking differently.

You seem very unhappy & ungrateful & selfish. I think you need to remember that marriage is a union, not a dictatorship and be happy for what you have. The image you have in your head is YOURS, not his. Learn some empathy & compromise.

Persoanlly, I think there's something deeper going on with you.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

I'm about to get real on you, so this will probably be blunt and harsh.

Fostering and/or adopting was YOUR "lifelong dream." Having an enormous amount of children was apparently YOUR lifelong dream. In the reality of the hard work of having four children with a fifth on the way, how can you blame your husband for not wanting more children? From your own description, your husband is more than pulling his own weight in the co-parenting and housework department. With child after child after child after child, he probably sees no end in sight. Of course he's burned out. Of course he doesn't want more children.

His desire to stop after this pregnancy is equally as valid as your lifelong wish to have dozens of children. I'm sure he was willing to give it a go because he loves you, but then REALITY hit. The reality of the work it takes to care for a wife who can't/won't help; the reality of the work it takes to care for each child individually; the reality of the work it takes to earn the money to feed and clothe and shelter those children; the reality of the work it takes to entertain them as a group, care for them as a group, take them places as a group, teach them things, parent them, raise them to be productive members of the household and community... get them to doctor's appointments, school, extra-curriculars, etc.

Pregnancy isn't an illness or disability. I've dealt with hyperemesis gravidarium to the point that I lost nearly 40 lbs with each pregnancy. I frequently had popped blood vessels in my eyes and face due to the force of the vomiting, as well as broken ribs. I had ulcers in my throat due to the frequency of vomiting. I have scar tissue in my throat and stomach lining found during a colonoscopy. I still went to work and took care of my family while pregnant and enduring all of that nonsense. I was miserable from the "morning" sickness. But I did what I had to do because I HAD TO DO IT.

I'm not playing Mommy Wars here, just trying to put things in perspective. Stop thinking for a few moments about what you're enduring, about what you want and have wanted "your whole life" and think about what your family needs. Think about how much value your husband's wants and needs have, and how he's thinking about the future of the family as a whole. Listen to him when he says he can't handle any more.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I don't think now is the right time to be talking about this, he's exhausted trying to do your job while you're sick and his own job and you have hormones! Shelf the issue completely!!! My husband and I adopted when I was 43, I've seen older adoptive parents, so you guys have plenty of time to revisit this again when your five kids are older. Adopting a non infant takes SSOOO much more than raising a healthy biological child, it would really take away from your children if you started adopting or fostering now. Wait till your youngest child is able to dress themselves, make their own lunch, pack their own back pack and see if you and hubby feel like starting over or not. He wont be so burnt out then. If you feel you need to make him agree right now, it's hormones

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answers from New York on

only 5?? wow im tired just thinking about raising 5 kids.. i think with your morning sickness your husbands probably doing alot more than he is used to doing with the kids and adding that to what sounds like a busy work schedule.. i think once that changes he wont be so burnt out.. but i wouldnt count on him changing his mind about fostering more kids.. i hate sounding bitchy because when i get responces like that it pisses me off but if youve been married for a while then its not like u just found out youre not going to foster any kids so why all of a sudden is it hitting you.. pregnancy hormones? i know i was a little nutty while i was pregnant.. you have a baby on the way, stop worrying about fostering another kid and enjoy the one youre about to have!!

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answers from Phoenix on

When you decide to live together, that implies helping each other out with what they need for their health. His mental health is being challenged, so you need to curtail your enthusiasm for extra kids right now and help him get back on his feet with his mental health. That is more important than having more kids. How would you feel if it were you who were feeling overwhelmed with what your husband was doing, but he refused to change it to help you? Until he is okay with everything, you shouldn't pursue this. Greet him warmly and happily every day. Tell him you appreciate all he does for the family, even if you feel you are doing most of the raising (going to work every day and feeling the monetary responsibility is also very draining). Rub his back and feet and bring him a drink to relax a few minutes when he gets home... BEFORE you ask him to help with something. He is a good man. Don't let him forget that! You don't want this to turn into something that makes him feel like he has to leave you to get out of the situation. If you treat him well, his love will overcome some of these feelings and he will want you to be happy, because you are trying to make him be happy. And, who knows? He may be okay with more. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Bellingham on

Oh, I know the effects of truly bad pregnancy sickness, and it can be a real struggle to get through.

In answer to your question, time will help with your disappointment. I wanted more children, but my husband didn't. I think I'm used to it now. My husband did have a severe depressive breakdown and it was not pleasant. He stopped work one day, and he never went back.

Try to get used to the idea that five is your number, and pour your energy into your existing family, and not some fantasy family.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Wow. I think you're an amazing, extraordinary person. I wish I had one-tenth, even one-one-hundredth of the energy you have.

So, I'm filled with admiration for all you're doing and all you want to do -- WOW. But honestly, I'm also feeling some empathy for your husband. He sounds like he's got an average level of energy (like mine) and he's carrying an eminently respectable load. From what you describe, he honestly sounds like a pretty good guy. Just not from the high-energy mold you're made from.

What I'd really recommend is tabling the question for a little while. I mean, you're asking your husband about this while you're laid up with morning sickness, so he's doing part of your job along with his. What about waiting until you've had baby # 5 and he sees you up and running and handling everything beautifully. If he envisions you handling the foster kids when you're running at capacity, so to speak, it may paint a different picture in his head. And the fantastic thing about being a foster parent (okay, fantastic thing # 983) is that there's no biological time clock. You can stretch this process over a much longer period of your life.

So, a gallon of respect and admiration for you, across cyberspace. And a teaspoon of respect and empathy for your husband too.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I will send you a private message with what I do to help families just like yours. If you want help, there is a way out.




answers from Phoenix on

Women on this site get a real kick out of being harsh and judgmental towards each other (carry-over from high school). Especially considering we know SO much about each other based on quick, summarized questions/answers from perfect strangers on an anonymous site, right?

Sorry it happened to you. Best solution is to get the heck away from here.

As for my advice? Wait until the kids are all older (and easier to manage) before revisiting the issue of foster care. You are relatively young and have years left to offer a loving home to a child in need.

Next question: JFF - Ever Thought of Adopting a Child?