Husband and Traditional Roles

Hi M.!

I just wanted to add one more perspective to the mix. I don't think that the housework is automatically your job when you are not working outside your home. I think that totally depends on what arrangement you and your partner agree on. I have a friend who is a stay-at-home mom, and she and her partner agreed that when she left her paid work to stay home, her primary job was to care for their baby. Her secondary job was to help decrease family spending to make the financial part work. Housework was after that - and the working partner was still responsible for helping to make that part work, because after caring for their boy and doing frugal things like making home-cooked meals and making games and toys, there just isn't a lot of time left for chores!

Basically, it may or may *not* make sense for you to take on more of the housework.

Perhaps you could hire someone to do some of the cleaning. I used to think this was a huge extravagance, but now I think it is like any other job that we could do ourselves but choose to pay someone else to do for our convenience - like changing the oil on the car. I have not tried it yet, but some friends report that it was cheaper than a divorce! :)

One more idea: when my daughter was a baby (and it was not my job to do all the housework), my husband and I made a list of all the chores we felt needed to be done and then paired them up in subjectively equal jobs. Then we took turns picking from the list. For example, we paired cleaning the litter box with taking out the compost. That meant that if my husband chose cleaning the litter box, I would get compost duty. At one point in the choosing, he said, "Eew, I don't want to do the compost," and I said "Okay, I'll take that and you can have the litter box!" But he *really* didn't want the litter box, so he took compost after all! :) (We paired dishes and tidying toys, and swapped them on odd and even days because we thought no one could do all the dishes all the time!)

Anyway, I hope you work out a plan that works better for you. Enjoy your time with your baby!

:) L.

Hi M.,

I totally agree with Jessica. If you don't do it, he will realize what you do. As Jessica said, do what you need to for your son and for yourself, but let him realize what you do.

Although I am not a SAHM (unfortunately), I work fewer hours than my husband, and I end up doing most of the housework, and when does pitch in, he pretty much expects to be patted on the back. Just an example, he washed some bottles the other day (while my daughter and I were sleeping, we were both sick), and you would think he had done the spring cleaning! When I got up he announced "I washed the bottles". Big deal!!!

While I don't mind doing the bulk of the house stuff, and the main care of our daughter, I would also like to be appreciated!

Sorry, went off on a bit of a tangent there. Good luck, I think I will follow my own advice!
M.

You know...I hear you. When I went on maternity leave, things started like that. I did the same thing you did. I told my husband straight out that if he wants a hot meal, clean house, clean clothes for him to go to work, etc. then he was going to take care of the bills because frankly what I do I don't get paid for. If we got paid for everything we did, it would be exponential. Think about it. how much does it cost for: a maid? Personal chef? Laudering? Day care? Personal shopper? Just keep your strength and explain to him what you do. If he doesn't like it, start trading off chores. First get him to agree to it, and then make him do it. His own laundry, his own meals. If he doesn't do it, (which my husband didn't) he won't have clean clothes for work, or food to eat. See how quickly he comes to appreciate you when he has stains on his shirts and sandwiches every night. Then set up day care/care giver and go back to work, honey. It's your life too; he isn't the only one who gets to do what makes him happy!!
Hope this helps!!

Hi M.,
I would just like to add my two cents into the mix here!
It sounds like your handing him the bills caused him to reflect and to be more helpful around the house. I find that with my husband, when I get angry and start barking at him, he retreats. When I am able to say to him "I really need your help", that he can hear that and respond. I also find that it really helps when I thank him and appreciate his help. (I know, we never get thanked or appreciated, but what can I say?). I am a SAHM and my hubby works full time. when our daughter (now 2) was tiny, she cried a lot around dinner time. I told him I just couldn't manage, and there was a period of time when he shopped and cooked and cleaned up! He really kept us going, and I let him know how much I appreciated what he was doing for us - for us, because his work there really freed me up to care for the colicky baby.

I do not think you should be paying any bills while you are not working - particularly since he is so "macho" around all of that. I hope you can find a way to help him bond with your baby, and to get him involved. I disagree with all of the women who said don't take care of him - don't do his laundry or cook for him, etc. I think that sounds mean and spiteful and has a good chance of breeding more anger and resentment.
Perhaps you could find a way to "need" to go out - to your mother's or a dear friend for an "emergency" and have your husband take care of the baby and need to make dinner etc?
I think the idea of trading places can help him to understand just what you do and how much work it all really is! Or, if you really want to try that, just say it so sweetly, sorry honey, I was so busy with the baby I just didn't have time to get to your laundry, etc. Do it with love, not anger and I think it will have a better chance of working.

Good Luck to you, and if you still need help and some place to share thoughts and feelings, a couples or family therapist can be a great place. Your roles are changing and sometimes, and objective person can be a great resource and sounding board for how you each want to be in your relationship. It can be a safe place to air anger and resentment to get them out, and to work through and past them.

Good Luck to you!
E.

M.,

If you want him to see all that you do, stop doing it. Care for your son by all means, he's not a pawn in this game. But stop doing your husband's laundry, cleaning up after him , putting dinner on the table when he gets home. WHen he's got something to say, let him know, "you don't appreciate what I do here, you seem to think it's nothing. Why should I bother doing it if it doesn't mean anything?"

Now, as far as whether or not you go back to work and all, that's all about what's inside you. No one can make that decision on your behalf. If it's truly what you need to go to work, then forcing yourself to stay home, depressed and frustrated, you will make everyone around you miserable. You know what they say, "When Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Try to keep in mind that this is only a temporary role for you. In a couple of months, you will go back to work. As far as his not appreciating what you're doing, he's missing out. He always said he wanted a Donna Reed household, he should be living it up these few months!

hi marissa,
i was a stay at home while my children were younger, they are teens now.when i did stay home i took care of the home and he the finances, this worked out fine . if you are working then of course you both should be pitching in on houshold chores.but if you stay home you do home and he does finances thats now your job. sorry i know all the other responses were opposite but i feel if your home thats your job.yes he should help with the baby when hes home but i dont think he should take over for you cuz you been home with him all day hes also been working all day.

Dear M., I understand why you would feel disrespected and under appreciated. I am a stay at home mom, and I never thought I would be... I thought 'traditional' roles were old fashioned... Then I realized the heartbreak of missing my kids for more than two thirds of their lives! [One third (or more)while they're asleep, one third (or more while I'm at work]
At first I felt obligated to keep contributing to the family, but it has bcome my lifestyle and firm belief that when you marry, it is for life and you and your husband are one. Your bank accounts should reflect this as well. His and hers accounts make for his and hers lives, not one unified family unit. I think it was more than fair of you to hand your husband all the bills, but make sure to tell him how much you need his support while you take time out to take care of the baby. Make him feel needed (because you said he is) rather than making him feel guilty and I guarantee you'll see a big change!

Hi, I want to say. I would feel angry with him. I feel that this his child too. When you married him and was dating him what did you observe in his parents pattern,was she a wall flower and the father the worker. Did she know her place? I feel you should sit down and talk to him and tell him you both contributed to make that bundle of joy and to create a home not a house. You did do your part as a woman. You did do your marital duties provividing him love food and happiness and tell him, You knew me before you married me. I thought that was one of the things you liked about me be self sufficiency my independence. You do not need to let go of yourself to make him feel like a man. Tell him He needs to realize he is YOUR man and you chose him to love and not to take that away because he has a issue with self-esteem. Stand your ground but be assertive not forceful how you approach him. Just let him know you love him. I would have to say there is a something on the outside of your household making him act this way. If anything maybe he feels like you took control of the house and are making all the rules. Ask him what do you need to make you feel like I love you and you are my man and the father of our child? What do you want to make you know how much I adore and respect you? What can I do to show, I want you to help somedays more then next? Just ask and be patient and listen and don't cut him off. No matter how absurd or unrealistic his demands be openminded and say I want to work this out lets devise a plan to keep our family happy. Peace,Love and hope.

Hi I kinda of had they same short of problem. My husband wanted me to do the housework, cook, go to work, and take care of the kids. I did it for a long time and I resented him a lot for it. I did it for many years my youngest daughter is 2 and it got really bad after she was born. She was sick and I had to stop working, I stayed home for about a year. When I did go back to work his traditional roles were still going strong. I could not take it any more and about lost it. I told him I wanted him to move out and he could not beleive it. He had not clue things were so bad. He asked if we could try to work it out and start going to counsling. So we began councling and things have gotten much better. He now helps with the children and the cooking and the house work. My freinds can not beleive how much he has changed. I am going to school and working part time so he has the kids a lot and I would say that we do the house work about fifty fifty. He does still wish that I did not work but he likes the money. He keep nagging me about work about a month or so ago. I told him either you stop nagging me about work or I will quite and just go to school. You descide. He choose the money. I would say try to talk to your husband again and tell him how you are feeling and if he is still not getting it ask him about councling because you dont want your relationship to get so bad that your resente him.

Hope I helped
S.

When I had my first child I was a single working mom. Now that I am married and just had my 2nd child I feel this is the time to stay home and focus on the children. With my first I worked alot, I was even bringing him to work after hours and on Saturdays. Before my hubby and I got married I told him that I did not want to go back to work. My hubs is a "slob" and has been spoiled by his mom who has done everything to for him, he was living with his mom when we met. He was 38 when we met. At first I was helping out with the bills but have exhausted all my funds now and he is starting a 2nd job becuase he also agrees that I should stay at home and not sent our son to a stranger. So I feel if he can pull all these hours then I should be able to take care of the childrearing and housecleaning and he the bills! I think that is a good trade in order for me to stay home. I really really hate cleaning but I know this is my input towards our family.

M., I am a stay at home mom and I have read alot of the responses and I am not please with them. One who I agreed with that if you're a home and it's your job to take care of the home and so forth. Don't get me wrong, it'll be nice to have your husband do some things around and it takes work to keep the marriage going and no one said that it was easy to be married and that you'll live happily ever after now that is a fairytale. It takes work, compromises and solutions from both you and your husband and I believe there is no such thing as divorce that someone mentioned tthat it's cheaper to tade off chores than divorce. Divorce is sooooo painful and not the answer to anything, just pain, resentment and the other response called your husband a jerk. Don't pay any attention to that and I think it's horrible for her to say that. your husband just needs to learn and your to learn about living with him and adjusting to new changes a new baby brings. I am a mother of three beautiful boys. I'll pray for ya.

WOW! I feel like i am not alone now! When i had my first child with my husband in 2001 i was working and taking care of the baby and housework etc.. etc.. While all he had to do was work. He did NOTHING to help. Did not wake up with the baby, feed her, bath her, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking i could go on forever. So eventually i said to him that if he wasn't going to help then i was quiting my job and staying home. It wasn't fair to me that i had to work and take care of the baby and all the household chores while he did nothing but work. So i did, i quit!! He never got any better and after our 2nd child we got legally seperated. I asked for counseling and he said no, so i said i wanted a divorce. I feel as though once you get married you should stay married forever too but you also should feel loved, respected and appreciated by your spouse. Good luck, i hope he opens his eyes!