Ok Moms - help me think this one through!
I discovered my husband connected with an old GF on Facebook. He initiated the contact with her. The communication has been totally innocent. I've also seen that he has searched for other exes as well. I know it is likely just natural curiosity, but it bothers me because if I did this I know for a fact he would be upset. He has even told me in the past that he would never go looking for an ex, and has made it clear it would bug him if I did that. When I actually caught him looking in the past, he said he was 'just curious to see what happened to them'. He has an ex he emails with at times - when I asked him about this he says she contacts him and he feels guilty about how he treated her in the past so he writes back,,,BUT I have seen the emails and it has been HIM emailing HER!I don't think he would ever cheat on me..but doesn't everyone think that??? I've caught him lying about other stuff before, and he will cling to the lie until I catch him red-handed. So - I am bothered with the lying. Any thoughts from anyone? THANK YOU!!!!
P.S. - I found out all this by spying on him - getting into his email and Facebook - he doesn't know. I know that is bad, but after finding other lies I tend to snoop.
PPS - Wow - so many responses so far! Just to add - I have no problem being friends with exes, I am not jealous by nature. Ironically it is him! When we first got together he insisted we both throw away all old pics and letters and mementos from exes...so I just can't believe HE is doing this!
He is opening the door to BIG trouble. There is no REASON for him to be in touch with these women at all. I would talk to him and tell him you are not ok with this. It may start off as "innocent", but most times it doesn't end that way. I have an ex husband who lied and was chatting and texting women. He didn't "cross the line" (cheat) but he walked right up to it. We are divorced because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life snooping on him and wondering if he's coming home late, where he's been. I'm married now to a man that I trust completely and is wonderful to me and my kids. This is not a good situation for you, good luck to you!
I would be pissed. I would delete his account, that s just how I am . If my husband was checking up on old exes.......it would make me mad. I am the jealous type and so is he. So neither one of goes into that territory. My advice is to tell him to cut the s**t and grow up. Stop looking up exes now. Delete the EXs from your computer. I got a little quote for you::
If at first you don't deceive----lie lie again.
I cannot stand being lied to , this also would be a huge issue with me. How are you supposed to build a loving, sharing relationship with someone who does not respect you enough to tell you the truth. Your supposed to be partners in this life and marriage. Being lied to just not fit in. I wish you luck with your husband. Sometime they need a wake up call.
There appear to be obvious trust issues both ways in the relationship that are much deeper than Facebook.
I have NO problem with my husband being friends with other women and exgirlfriends on Facebook. He and I are friends, and I trust him explicitly. He knows I've searched for ex-boyfriends to see where they've ended-up and sent 2 former boyfriends letters when I was diagnosed with cancer in an attempt to mend old broken bridges.
If you confront him about this, you'll be opening pandora's box about all the issues in your relationship. So, choose how you do it very carefully, because your snooping may cause him to withdraw from you even more.
Facebook isn't the enemy - it's a great thing when used responsibly. Not everyone does, but you can't blame the tool - you have to blame the users. Facebook helped me communicate with so many people during my treatment in ways that were so much easier than e-mail and using the phone.
Go to Oprah.com and see if you can find the research about why men cheat. She's done several shows in the past few years about it - not implying that your husband is - but it's almost always because they don't feel wanted, needed or desired by their wives and seek it in other women.
If you have to go to couple's counseling to work through both of your insecurities, I'd do it now vs. before the damage is irreparable.
Awwww Facebook! I’m sorry but your post actually made me mad at your husband! LOL. I'm SO sorry this is happening to you. There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for lying. Where is his integrity?
Several responders below gave reasons why he may have lied but bottom line is, he lied and it’s wrong no matter how you slice it. Sure it’s O.K. to have old friends on FB but why hide it? The fact that he is emailing with these women without your knowledge is incredibly deceitful and hurtful. This is not a matter of FB, spying, snooping, jealously or anything of that nature! It is a matter of honesty, integrity, self control and TRUST!
I hope you step up and tell your husband that you have more respect for yourself then to allow him to continue to lie to you. You have lost your trust in him and until he can prove to you that you can trust him again, he needs to stop contacting his old GF’s. If he respects you and your marriage he will do it. If not then tell him…what’s good for the goose, is good for the gander baby cakes!
JMO but the fact that you have to spy on your spouse is troubling. You know there is an old saying "Where there is smoke....."
I think both of you should take a break from Facebook and talk directly to each other. Put your feelings on the table. This isn't a stranger - this is your husband. If he has to lie about things to you, something is not right. Talk to him honestly and if you have a neurtal party (like a clergy or something) maybe you both should meet with that person to see what is it within your marriage that has led you to the point you are at now.
I think if it were me, I would try to hold it together, not say anything at all, but keep tabs on his email and FB without him knowing. See where it goes. Right now it may be innocent curiousity, so if you confront hime, he can just turn the tables and get mad at you for spying. I would wait to see if it leads to something more. Maybe it just stays innocent, and ends. You won't know truly what he's made of, unless you see how far he takes it before he "gets caught". If it comes to it, I would make sure I was right there to catch him red-handed if he cheats. Especially since you say he has lied you to before. Sorry you're going through this.
He's lying. If it is all so innocent how come he didn't ask (tell) you about it?? Probably better snoop deeper..I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer...but my husband used to "cling to lies until caught" too. This went on for years! When I finally got sick of it and wanted a divorce we went to church counseling. Whenever my husband would get angry about something I was doing that he thought was "inappropriate" I would start snooping and most times found out he was up to something. Things are great now (like I said counseling) but this kind of behavior tends to get worse. Good Luck!
the innocent contact with an old GF on facebook doesn't bother me. the fact that he lies, that you are not comfortable with his lack of honesty (who would be?) and feel the need to check up on him clandestinely are big red flags to me. the fact that he is jealous of you but doesn't hold himself to the same standard bothers me. i don't think this is an insoluble situation, but it is not a healthy relationship and i hope you all hie thee to a good couples therapist forthwith.
One possibility is to add her as one of your friends, and introduce yourself, telling her how much you have heard about her, and that you are glad your husband has re-united with her online, and that you would enjoy being able to experience the reunion with your husband.
This will not only show your husband you are okay with him being her friend, but then you would see posts between them without having to pry, and she would know you knew the situation, which might prevent her from indulging too much.
Hope it helps, Good Luck... and by the way.. not all men cheat! not all women cheat! We have to trust the ones we love, we married them for a reason, and if we accuse them, we have broken the trust, not them! (Not that it makes cheating okay, but it is opening the door to deceit and sneaky behavior)
I admit I'm fairly open when it comes to relationships. So no I don't have a problem with contact with exes, old friends male or female, none of it bothers me. I actually encourage it. I'm married not dead and I have every right to be friends with or talk to anybody I want to. My husband has no say over that with me and the opposite is also true for him.
But with that has to come a level of trust. It is quite clear that if he's jealous he doesn't trust you and since you're spying, you obviously don't trust him. So it's not about the facebook account or the exes, it's about trust.
This is a much bigger issue that the two of you need to work out as a couple. What has each of you done to cause the other to be jealous, spy, lie etc? Why has that become a part of your relationship and how can you learn to trust each other again so it is no longer an issue?
all my ex boyfriends sought me on facebook, and all sent request to become friends and i accepted them all. they were a part of my life, and as such, they are a part of me.
it is curiosity. it's like what happened to so and so.
my husband and i decided not to befriends each other on FB because that would have felt like spying on each other.
if you don't trust your husband and if you have caught him lying then confront him. that is what i would do.
you don't need to go into why did you send this first why did you seek this person first etc. just lay it all out. why did you lie and then let him talk. one common dominator with cheating husbands is that they all lied first.
I have a friend who told me that a guy she dated back in highschool contacted her. He asked her how she was doing and he also stated that he was happily married and living in another state. He wanted to know if she still hated him from breaking up with her.LOL My friend is now 40 years old!
So, maybe your husband was just curious about what happened to them. Sort of like this guy, who was at home, probably thinking about girls from the past.
If the e-mails sound innocent I would not worry about them nor would I ask him about it. Especially if you did not read anything that would make you think he was trying to get something started. Why would he type and send stuff he knows that you have access too? Men are not smart when it comes to cheating but that would be ridiculous.
As far as I know my husband has never checked or looked at my e-mails and I have never been interested enough to check his. Our lives are just too busy.
Men usually lie to avoid confrontation or to expain their behavior ( he knew you would not like him making those contacts). I think it's just easier to lie or tell you something they think you want to hear than to deal with the question or the issue at hand. It does not mean that he is surfing the internet looking to hookup with someone.
I don't think that there is anything wrong with you going on to his facebook/e-mail and checking. If he truly has nothing to hide then he shouldn't mind either. I think that you should tell him that it bothers you and that you would like for him to "un-friend" her and stop the communication. If he puts up a stink about it, then I think you might have a more serious problem. Is she married? are these converstations something you feel you need to worry about or do they seem to be just typical conversations that he would have with anybody else the same way? Hope that made sense. You know your husband the best, you would know if he was sending suttle flirtations or if it is just a typical communication for him. But no matter what, if it bothers you, then you need to ask him to stop, and he should respect your feelings. I hope that you find a solution. It would bother me if my husband was carrying on conversations with an ex whether it was innocent or not. And it would bother him if I was doing that as well. The rules cannot be different for one than the other. Just my opinon......
Keeping in touch with exes unless it is required (ie a child in common) is almost always a bad idea. He should have enough friends, male and female, that he doesn't need an ex to fill that space. When people remain friends with their ex, they are playing with fire. If you request he not talk to them, he should oblige out of respect for you.
In his communications with the exes, does he talk freely about you and your kids (if you have any)? Does he make it seem as if he is trying to talk to them without mentioning you? Take a look at the timeline of the contact. Did it just start a month ago? Well, of course it will still be innocent at this point. He isn't going to ask them to meet for a drink in the first few weeks of convo....he would work into that. (I am not saying he would do this, just use common sense. If he has been talking with an ex for over 6 months and it is ALWAYS innocent, then why is he hiding it?)
If your husband lies to you, that is a big issue. I don't blame you for snooping. I probably would have done the same thing. And really, you are married. Is it really "snooping" to check your husband's email or facebook? My hubby has my passwords to everything! I would never care if he went into my accounts, as I have nothing to hide, and vice versa.
Honesty is such a big deal! I would see a counselor on your own and maybe they can tell you how to approach the subject, but I definitely would not leave it alone. I would definitely confront him about it, just work on the approach with experienced guidance. Then, the two of you could attend marriage counseling together. Even if there were no "problems" in your marriage, marriage counseling is a great idea. It can teach you to be better together.
He may just be curious as to how they are now. Have you talked to him about it. since he said he would not like it let him know how you feel. You are so nice if it was me I would have said something right away but then again I am an upfront kind of person. I just feel like if you guys made a rule together you would both stick will remind him of it.
I would be less concerned with the fact that he's got exes as friends on FB and more with the fact that he feels he needs to lie about it. As far as FB goes, why don't you friend him yourself? My DH and I are FB friends. We have nothing to hide, I see his friends (some exes), he sees mine (also some exes in there). No big deal, then you won't have to go snooping. As far as the lying, I really have no idea why he does that. He could possibly be embarassed at insisting "no exes" then going back on his declaration. Or maybe he feels if he tells the truth, you'll overreact so he's trying to avoid confrontation? I really don't know. What I do know is that you've lost trust in him. You'll keep spying on him, asking him about it (expecting him to lie), then catch him in the lie. He'll be upset because he'll realize you're snooping, he'll stop trusting YOU, and the cycle will continue into a downward spiral of distrust and dishonesty. You need to get yourselves back on track because otherwise, you'll push each other away, at which point your marriage will be weak enough to succumb to cheating. Maybe some counseling would be a good place to start re-examining your relationship? Good luck!
I agree with Faith. This is NOT a good thing, and I would be upset if I were you. It has NOTHING to do with jealousy, but everything to do with it is inappropriate for your husband to be reconnecting or communicating with past girlfriends. He is married with a family and while he may think it is innocent now, I think he is playing with fire. I would confront him about the issue, I know you are probably embarrassed that he will be upset that you snooped, but the issue isn't you spying, it's that you felt that you couldn't trust him and needed to check to see what he was doing, and lo and behold he was in fact communicating with women that you did not want him to communicate with. Make sure that you make it clear that it is unacceptable for him to try to form relationships with these women. Let him know that regardless of how "harmless" he thinks it is, it makes you feel that he is going down a dangerous road and he made a choice to marry you and have kids and he needs to stop corresponding with these other women and the fact that he lied about his contacting these women really does damage to y'alls relationship! I will be praying for you and hope that things turn out okay!
I just want to say that i am on facebook all the time and i am friends with exs and have male friends...however the issue here is not him being friends with his exs it is the lying. You too are married and there should be nothing that needs to be lied about or hidden from each other. There is a huge issue here and I would snoop too if i found out my husband had been lying. It changes perspective on your whole relationship when something is lied about. Good luck to you and you and him need to talk about this!!
More or less it seems that if anybody is in a bad marriage situation and trys to reconnect with their past.. what starts out very innocently ends up being the beginning of the end of their marriages. My take on this issue is this, if a person is an ex to begin with, something was not right about the relationship between you and that person. No matter how many years go by these people did n o t make a workable relationship happen in the past for whatever reason and there were valid reasons why things did not work out. I am sorry that your husband feels the need to connect with his past so much he should be more concerned about living in the present and making a go of your marriage. Yes, everybody gets curious now and then but when people become obsessed with finding out information about old loves it becomes a cocktail for disaster just waiting to happen. Your husband needs to get on with his life and worry about how he is treating you, not looking back at how poorly he treated his "ex."
You should not have to compete with all of his "ex-loves" I would point out if they were so great he should have been married to one of them instead of trying to make you feel insecure about it and I would ask him to stop emailing ex-loves and lying about it to you, this behavior is not acceptable to you any longer.
For the record - I hate Facebook. I have an account and a few friends, but I lurk (read) and I don't write anything. If I want to contact my friends, I email them outside of Facebook. I don't trust their security. I don't trust access if I join any group (if you join a group, your privacy settings are fairly worthless), and my personal opinions are mine alone and I don't need my employer seeing any of it. Every day I see new news articles about someone losing a job or being reprimanded at work because of some Facebook issue or another. Sorry for the rant, but I digress.
As far as your husband is concerned, you have trust issues, justifiably so. Would he like you contacting old boyfriends and you lying to him about it? Facebook aside, marriage counseling is a good idea.
Deleting a Facebook account is not easy, but it's better than deactivation (which is fairly worthless since it doesn't delete any content).
The lies are a problem and need to be confronted and dealt with. The keeping in touch with old friends, not so much. And if you have past friends you would like to reconnect with, use this as license to do so. I have reconnected with some of my pasts loves, and I have loved being able to move a part of my past to the present in this small way (facebook, email). But each family must have rules regarding this that both partners are comfortable with, so just talk with him about it .
I do not agree that there is no reason to be in contact with these woman. What is wrong with keeping in touch with the people who helped shape who you are? Our pasts make us who we are, and if we can reconnect with a small part of that, I think that is great. The only real problem I see is that he is lying, and that there may be a double standard going on if he really feels you can not have your past as well.
There is a good chance he is lying simply because he knows you are the jealous type. My husband did this, and it blew up, but now that he knows to be open with me we have even met up with one old GF for lunch while we were in Germany for a trip. I was almost married once before I met my husband, and we found each other again on face book. I was having a hard time in my marriage, and having someone I knew loved me to talk to was helpful. His wife is the very jealous type, and although he was honest about reconnecting with me, she was mad (even though he is in Alabama and I am in Alaska)and she forced him to cancel his facebook account. He resents her for it, and now contacts me through his work email. She basically has forced him to have to lie because of her unfounded jealously. Couples who are open, trusting, and accepting of each others pasts, tend to fair better in the end.
My friend's brother got divorced because of FB issues. My own sister also kept in touch with her ex in FB and her husband got so angry they had to get divorced because of the issues. I know a couple who stopped FB completely because their marriage was more important to them.
The fact that you needed to snoop means that you don't think he is trustworthy. I think there is more to your marriage and this FB issue than you have mentioned here. I know because I've been through this problem. A wife shouldn't have to snoop through her husband's emails and personal contacts to find out what he's up to. Worst still, a husband shouldn't be lying about his relationships with other women. Sure, he may feel bad about the way he treated his ex's but it sounds like he is being just as insensitive to you. I believe you should seek professional counseling to talk about this. There's only so much a forum of moms with opinions can help you with.
I think it very well can be a curiosity thing, and I'm just wondering if he would lie if you asked if he has looked up any old girlfriends on facebook? You said he has lied in the past, and I'm wondering what type of lies, is he lying because he knows you'll hit the roof? I don't believe you should ever lie to your spouse, but obviously there is a level of distrust to begin with. You don't trust him so you are spying on his internet communication. I really think you need to talk to him about honesty, not about connecting with people you once dated. There's nothing wrong with keeping in touch with people, exes or not, as some people really do stay friends after dating. The fact that it would bug him if you looked up an ex means he doesn't trust you either, so whether or not one or both of you is cheating, you both are worried that the other might. This can't lead anywhere good. You need to come clean to him about hacking into his accounts, why you did it, and how you can both be honest in the future. Otherwise it will spiral out of control. At some point he might even think "well she already thinks I'm cheating so why not."
Yeah, you do need to talk with him but don't fly off the handle and lose your temper he may already do that for you; one of you has to keep your cool if this is to go anywhere positive. and it might last a few days or so just be patient and talk about it.