I was wondering if anyone has been in my situation. My husband started playing an online game called World of Warcraft quite some time ago. He now plays for hours on end. I've complained many times and told him he needs to spend more time with our 4 year old daughter. He said it's "a hobby" and that I should respect him. Am I the only one who thinks this is insane? He gets home from work, runs right to the computer, and turns on his game, while I have to go pick up our daughter (after I get home from work), come home and cook dinner, give her a bath, etc....
He says he plays that much because he wants to escape from me-that I complain too much. I tell him that I wouldn't be complaining if I got a little help. I mean, of course I'm going to complain when he's not doing his part in the household. I think it's pretty bad when you get a notice from the city that your grass is getting too long (one of the things I was "complaining" about).
Does anyone else have a husband addicted to this game? I know our relationship was never perfect, but after he started playing this game things really went downhill. We're now about to get divorced. I wish he would just grow up and forget about this game-maybe if he were to be more involved with our family we would never be in this position. Coming from a divorced family, I vouged I would never get a divorce...and here I am. I don't know maybe I just picked the wrong one. (By the way, I'm 35 and he's 29)
To all moms: Thank you so much for all of your advice and sympathies. Unfortanetly, things have taken a turn for the worse. My husband has now started to hang out with the wrong crowd and forgotten about our daughter. Obviously, he needs help, but I don't think he'll seek it. He has been smoking pot and drinking a lot, and the people he has been hanging with are around 21 or less (and are in a gang). Plus, they live right across the street with their mom! My daughter has to watch her daddy go hang out with these losers instead of spending time with her (and is asking why). It's a very sad situation. He has a lot of growing up to do. I have no choice now, but to get the divorce and forget about counseling. He's been very cruel to me and to my daughter (by shutting her out). He's also talked to people about trading in his truck and getting a motorcycle-no thoughts about his daughter, obviously. Thanks again for all your advice, though.
J.
Not that this is the same - but my son's college advisor said that 4 kids in his program spent a semester playing it all the time and had to drop out of college because they failed all their classes.
My son used to play it - he doesn't anymore.
MH in EGV
I wanted to let you know that I read and hear about this all the time- especially with THIS particular game. My husband's first marriage ended because of gaming addictions (his wife's, not his) and relationships she formed via gaming online as well.
There are specific online (and probably local in-person) support groups just for this. My husband tells me that people who get divorced because of this game are called "Wow Widows" now (or widowers.)
So sorry you are going through this, but no, you are definitely not alone and it definitely IS an addiction. I read awhile back about a man in.. China.. I want to say, that died because he forgot to eat or sleep while gaming.
Hi J.,
My advice might be a bit different from the others. First aside from the gaming, all those other problems can be fixed with good communication and work.
Second, your husband has an addiction. Addiction has nothing to do with substance or amount of substance. It has to do with repeating a destructive behavior that is effecting other areas of life: work, relationship with spouse, relationship with children, self-care, home responsibilities, ETC.
Third, the addict with tell you anything under the sun and send YOU on a wild goose chase to avoid the behavior, "you nag, why don't you want me to have fun, everyone else does it, you dont' look good, you should join me, why does my fun bother YOU, YOU can't be pleased," see where this is going?
Fourth, how does this happen? It happens when something is introduced to the brain that triggers neurons (braincells) to release 'good feeling' tranmitters to the brain and feel good. The subtance could be alcohol, drugs, high risk behavior, gambling and gaming. Didn't you ever notice the lights blinking on those things? Each time your husband wins or gets further in the game his brain releases transmitters that make him feel WONDERFUL. It gets to the point that that is the only thing that does. At this point he cannot help it b/c he can't 'turn off' his brain. He needs professional help.
Fifth, it sounds like both of you followed a pattern you didnt want to in your relationship with each other. You have to deal with the addiction FIRST then address the marital problems. Yes, it will be hard to not fix it all. You need to contact a therapist CERTIFIED in addictions. They can help with the addiction and marital. A regular marital therapist is not qualified to work on the addiction and it will all back fire. I guarantee it.
Good luck on this journey you need to take and please let me know if I can help you more. God Bless.
I think if you go to your husband now and tell him he has an addition and needs to get counseling, he is not going to be receptive at all.
At this point I think you need to sit down with your husband and in a non-confrontational and non-argumenative way tell him that he is making a decision about the kind of father and husband he wants to be - he needs to understand that his decision to spend time on the computer instead of with his family is a conscious decision. Let him know that you have chosen to be a present parent who is going to have fun with your daughter and that you hope he chooses to joins you.
After that you need to live your life and have fun with your daughter. Hopefully, the computer is in a room where you can close the door, and "forget" he is in there.
Cook dinner for you and your daughter and if he wants to eat he'll come out of the room. If he doesn't he can make something for himself later.
If your daughter is wondering where he is and why he's not around you should tell her to ask him that question - he needs to explain to her why he's not spending time with her. It is not your job to make excuses for him, or should you criticize him for his choice. Hopefully, explaining to her face-to-face why he's not playing with her will help him see how important he is to her.
You can not do everything around the home on your own, so if he chooses not to help with the lawn then you may need to hire a service. If he won't help fix things around the house, then a handy-man may need to be hired. If you work full time and he's not helping keep up the house, then a cleaning service may need to come every couple weeks. If he sees that his absence is costing money, this may motivate him to be more helpful (I know this would be a big motivator for my husband).
Plan fun things with your daughter. Tell your husband that you are going to the zoo (for example) tomorrow and you are leaving at this time and you hope he chooses to join you. Tell him that if he is on the computer when you plan to leave at such-and-such time then you will go without him and leave at your set time without a word or a reminder (he'll probably see reminders as "nagging").
Hopefully when the "nagging" stops and he realizes he is making his own decisions, he will make the right ones. If he still doesn't choose to spend time with you and your daughter then you may want to talk to him about taking a break from the computer, addiction or divorce.
I know how you feel, my husband spent more time on the computer than I would like and this approach worked for us. Now he does his computer time after the kids are in bed, which is fine with me b/c I don't like to share the remote :) And we talk before bed or at dinner. I wish you all the best.
Wow, I am amazed by your responses that tell you to "suck it up". Why? How is this addiction any better than any other addiction???? However, are you REALLY heading toward divorce (i.e you've filed, he's been served, etc..) If that's the case, it sounds like there are other issues, too, and you've made the decision to split, so the on-line gaming is just another reason WHY you would be getting divorced. Why argue about it, then, if he'll be leaving soon???
If you are truly wanting to save your marriage than I do think that your nagging approach isn't working and if you can't get him to discuss this when you are not in the heat of the moment, then you should consider some kind of counseling. Your arguing and negative comments that you, both, are making aren't doing anyone any good. "Sucking it up" isn't the answer, either. I'm sure your four-year old is not learning good compromising/negotiating skills listening to the two of you bicker. Someone gave you some good web-sites and information to visit, too.
Divorce is not a good option but staying married because you said you'd "never get divorced" isn't healthy, either. You just have to work toward the goal of having a healthy relationship and see where that takes you.
Having been a child of divorce and then having to divorce my first husband, I know where you're coming from. If your husband wasn't online, he might be at the corner bar or the video arcade or...if counseling doesn't work, you might not have a choice but to let him go. You can't make him grow up, he's on his own timetable for that. Remember...this is only advice-this is YOUR relationship, and YOU have the power to decide what to do. He may wind up being a better father away from all the bickering, and you may get along better. My prayers are with you.
Hi Jen, I agree with Beth, thats what I was thinking, divorce is worse than you may think. Try as hard as you can to work it out. My husband is in scouts for years he went to everything and was always gone or planning the next outing, I told him it hurt me, he said well at least I am not at a strip club. I told him it felt that way the same being ignored and left alone alot, eventually he slowed down because he saw how it hurt me. We are married 19yrs and when men get older they mature more a become warmer and more family orientated hopefully that will apply to yours. I wish you luck. A.
Could you just try totally leaving the guy alone for a while and see what happens? If you are willing to go it alone, get divorced, what would it hurt just to go it alone with him sitting in the chair playing the game? Try just stopping all the nagging and take care of everything on your own. "Pretend" to be divorced and see how it feels. If you stop the nagging,and try to be positive, and compliment him on ANYTHING he does, things could turn around. Maybe you've just gotten into a negative pattern and you could break out of it. I've been married 24 years and I learned early on in my marriage that nagging doesn't work. I just do what I can do and figure he will do the things he can do when he can get to it.
If you can't get the grass mowed yourself, hire someone to do it. If you have to ask him to do anything, just try to do it very respectfully and politely. I know what he is doing isn't fair. The guy could be extremely immature and lazy,or he is stressed out.
It's just a suggestion. You are in this situation and I send a prayer your way. I just thought maybe it wouldn't hurt to step back for a while and just see what happens. At least he is there, and he works. Try to look at anything and everything positive about him and see if that helps. Best wishes!
Hi J., Sorry to hear about your troubles. No one wants to put their kids through a divorce - this must be difficult for you. When I read your note, it sounds to me like he is already emotionally out of this marriage. I think you have to be careful not to get so lost in your desire not to have a divorce that it obscures what you really want -- a good marriage. You are asking for him to be a better person for you, for your child, for himself. That's a good thing. Not a bad one. Reassure yourself with that -- you are asking for the right thing. And then accept what he chooses. If he really wants to stay in the marriage, then he will meet your terms. If he does not, he won't. Or if he cannot, he won't. But your terms are not the problem. If he wants in, he will seek the help he needs. You cannot make him do this. Go ahead and seek out a counselor to give you some guidance and possibly some info for him and put in on the table for him. It is up to him to take the next step. This is the hard part to accept. If it is a true addiction, then it like having him choose between two loves. Just keep telling yourself that your terms are reasonable and mature and loving. (Your love will help him grow; the game love will wreak havoc on his life.) And when he tries to distract you by turning the focus onto you ("you're complaining"), remember that that is the point - to distract you from focusing on the problem HE IS HAVING. Be strong. Don't fall into that trap.
I have to agree with Connie's reply,if your husband isn't interested in spending time with his family, give him his space & move on! I have been in the same situation, and I would never put up with a man that does not give his family 100%. Think about it, the majority of his day is spent at work, yes he needs some down time, but you figure on average he only has maybe a couple hours to spend with your daughter before her bedtime every night. Why would he want to waste that precious time playing a game?? I'm 44 and divorced & remarried, and quite content with my marriage. My hubby does enjoy video games, but we have an agreement its entertainment & family comes first. (He's 31 by the way). Sounds like your soon to be ex needs to grow up & realize what precious gifts he's losing! Good luck to you & your daughter. :)
Well J., he said he want to escape you so grant his wish. Send him on his way and let him give his 20% in child support and every other weekend visitation. Maybe a seperation will help him to figure out what is important. If the game is still more important than his family then you are better off without him and so is your daughter. I am divorced and my ex spends more time with his best friends son under the umbrella that since his best friend died he needs to step in and help with his son. My daughter is 13 and is dealing with the fact that her dad would rather spend time with a child that is not his then her and she is his only child. It breaks my heart but I can't fix this for her I just keep her busy in church and school and pray her father gets a clue. If a game is more important then spending time with his daughter even if he doesn't want to spend time with you then wave as he leaves with his bags. Then you and your daughter enjoy life and move forward.
I'm not sure if this is helpful, since I haven't been in your exact situation, but my husband and I both played WOW for about 10 months (this was a few years ago now, before our daughter was born). However, he did play significantly more than I did, and it was frustrating that he always wanted to play and let everything else go by the wayside. But since I played as well, I do understand the "addiction" type feeling you get from playing the game. It is very tempting and time consuming.
My husband and I agreed to stop for awhile (most because of the cost), and I thought I would miss it a lot. We thought we would turn it back on at some later date. I played as much as I could right up until the final date we'd paid for. However, both of us found that once we'd had it off for awhile, the desire to play faded. We've never subscribed again. I'm not sure if you could do something like this, but perhaps if through counseling you could get your husband to agree to try a month-on, month-off type of arrangement, or just a trial month off, he may find less of an interest in playing. You can choose to not pay for WOW for a month and your character/progress still remains, so perhaps he would be willing to do a trial like this, where you are able to plan a lot of family events.
I just have to say "Wow" to only some of your advice. We are not in the 50's anymore. Since when are the women responsible for all the chores around the house, and the man just needs to make the bacon and that's it. My husband helps out with the cleaning and the children all the time. These responses and your story just made me give my husband an extra hug and kiss tonight. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Until he admits he has a problem, there really isn't any way to get him to stop. I would think that lost time with his daughter would make him see the importance of family and not a stupid game. My husband rushes home to see his kids, he loves giving them baths and getting them ready for bed. Do not let any women tell you that he doesn't have to do anything and that it is your job. What is wrong with women today that say it is okay for husbands to be jerks and not participate in the famly. This is also a good time to turn to family if you have any near by. Maybe his parents should be informed and you may need to plan an intervention. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Just think girlfriend, once you divorce him you ARE going to be taking on all the responsibilities anyways! If that man is not committing adultery,Physically abusing you or mentally, don't divorce him. Hell do something to the computer or device he's using so that it does'nt work. Hold on to your marriage girl. Stop complaining and do what you can do and have to do with your little girl. I had three to raise by myself before i got married. I did the house chore etc. it ALL. You can do it too. Think of yourself as a soldier at times.
Wow, I'm really amazed at the couple responses that advised you to basically "suck it up" and to save your marriage at all costs. Let me tell you, I grew up with parents who SHOULD have been divorced and never did. I think that did more damage to me than if they actually had been divorced. This is YOUR life. YOURS. You need to make decisions based on what's good for you and your daughter. I agree that counseling can help but if your husband won't go and if you have tried to make it work and he's not responding, you need to do what will make you happier. Sacrificing yourself won't do anything for your daughter, just teach her that as a woman her needs come last. Take care of yourself. If you can't help yourself you will be no good to those you love. Good luck to you.
I have just about the same type of marriage that you do. I have started to just plan my life and live. I take care of my children, their things, and mine. I fix dinner at the same time.. if he chooses to show up at the table fine, I don't announce. I just say about 15 minutes prior to doing something that we are headed out the door if he would like to come. Otherwise I just live my life. At this point you could try this and see what happens. If you really are in love with him, you will put up with alot, but don't lose yourself in the process. If you don't really care for him and the problems seem worse than the benefits of staying together go and make a life for yourself. Just be prepared to be a working Mom and to do all the housework yourself. Good luck.
J.,
1- i am so sorry, i feel your pain!
2- no, you are not wrong and he is acting like a nincompoop
3- it was just on yahoo news that many people have horrible side effects from these awful games DIVORCE WAS LISTED AS ONE of those side effects!
4- try to keep it in perspective...give him an ultimatum, give him a timeline...ex: you have one hour to do gaming per week..you have this many hours per week and you must do A,B,C etc before you sit down to play...or else you WILL end up splitting
i wish you well my sister in the human race...any of us and all of us with kids hate to see a family break up, and trust me, i've been from a divorced home as well...but in the end, you see your parents happier, so you have to accept everything with a grain of salt and every situation is unique so pls don't blame yourself...or others... he has to deal with this and there and that's it! good luck.
Hi J.
I'm sorry to hear you are going thru a divorce. Better sooner than later though. He clearly can not put his family first. Some men just do not seem to get it. They need to participate with the house and raising of the children, they think because they work that's enough, well it's not. Your doing everything on your own anyway, beleive it or not your life will be less hectic with him gone, you should not have to live so stressed because he can't/won't chip in. Your Daughter needs to see a strong male figure in her life not one that chooses to play a game over spending time with her. She should be the most important in his life. not to mention you!!
Good Luck I know it stinks to go thru this.
V.
Sandra gave some good advice/information. Your husband has an addiction, just like alcohol, drugs, etc. It is not your fault and him telling you that you complain too much is an excuse to "use" or play the game. I feel for you, I have someone very close to me who has an addiction.
Seriously I'm going thru the same thing. Only instead of him being stuck on the computer, my husbands stuck to the tv keeping the rest of our family from watching tv.. Really don't have a solution nor answer for you because I'm looking for the same answer.. Sad thing for me is I'm my husbands 3rd wife.. & he's now finally confessing that he lost the last two because of this addiction!! I'm soo lost. & I'm hoping that you find an answer rather than resulting in divorce.. & when you do get a solution,, please please do share
I completely sympathize with you. I was married to a man in his early 40s with the same problem. We have a wonderful little boy who was a toddler at the time. His dad is a programmer and always liked gaming, etc. But he started getting into online gaming gradually, but it just got more and more important.
He started by doing role playing games that were just writing, no graphics. I played too for a while and it was fun. But as life got more busy, I played less and he started to play games like WOW and spent more and more time on them. We were going through financial issues and I was appalled to find that he was spending more and more money on his online game- sometimes charging it to credit cards without discussing it with me.
We moved to be closer to his work so he could get home earlier and spend more time with us- but he started sleeping in later, going into work later and still getting home after dinner time- then staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning online.
We had other things that were causing problems, but this was definitely one of the main factors that led to our divorce. We went to marriage counseling, but no one seemed willing to treat this gaming thing like the addiction it was. I absolutely believe that it was like gambling or alcoholism and he could not stop- he did not want to stop and told me I was being unfair and unrealistic and that I played games online too. I did, but not for 6 hours at a stretch all weekend long!
We got divorced and it was the best decision I could have made. He has remarried someone who doesn't seem to care about his time spent online and I am getting remarried too- to someone younger than me, who likes regular video games and plays them to relax, but in a normal way and not all the time.
My ex is a good dad- kind and patient with our son who is almost 10 now. But we have had arguements about him playing online and letting my son watch or play with him - he says they are doing it together and I say it is just one more way for him to do what he feels like doing and just because our son is there watching, it is not quality time.
We finally compromised with him finding an age-appropriate online game ( Wizards 101) that he and our son could play together.
Good luck. I would like to think things can work out- but remember, it takes two people who REALLY want to change things to make it work. If your husband is like my ex, he just may not be willing to make that change, crazy as it seems. Be strong and do what is best for you and your child!!!
Hi mom listen he could be doing other things worst then that but he's not and I don't see divorced in this picture. He's working paying the bills and he's not having an affair, I think he is just doing something he like to do. First of all he's 29 I have a 31yr old son that plays poker online all day and night no job and is not looking. have you guys tried to get help? What about the daughter what are you going to tell her why you guys got a divorced because of a online game. No thats not right, not saying he is but it could be worst. Take another look at this please fight for you marriage. God bless
Counseling could help increase/improve communications. Locally Diane Bubeck can provide this - she is at
www.bubeckandassociates.com
I have seen people at work go through temporary addictions to this same game but they play late at night and are suddenly less interested in this game (after 1-2 years of playing on a regular basis as a team at night).It is an adventure game. You have my sympathies!
Hi J.,
If you are a Christian then I would recommend the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Martian. I can relate. Since I started reading this book and following what it says I have seen results -and all with no longer nagging/complaining to my husband -which never got me anywhere except an argument. I have been through a divorce before...you don't want to walk that road, especially with little ones. It seems like a solution now but is a nightmare for the children later.
Blessings,
L.
I would not put up with this behavior at all. go to counseling together and if he refuses to go, you need to go alone. Try to figure out how you want your life to be and how you need to move forward. Decide what is best for you and your daughter. If I was in this situation and he refused counseling, I would not do anything for him, and I mean ANYTHING. No laundry, no meals prepared, no shopping for him, no picking up after him. But that is just me...if he wants to live with no responsibilities for his daughter or you, then maybe it will make him open his eyes. Good luck to you.
J.,
I can't give you advice on your relationship, but I know WOW very well - I have sons who have, and one who is still, playing it. The game is so addicting because it never ends. You don't reach the top, there's always one more peak to reach and when you get there, there will be another.
The game aside, from what you've said it sounds like WOW is just a symptom, not the problem. Before deciding on divorce, see if your husband will agree to counseling, but try to stay away from pointing blame. Tell him he's not meeting your needs and if he wants to try and fix that you'd welcome it, but if not, then at least you tried. Just don't be the victim. If he's decided to check out of the relationship and he's hiding behind an online game to do it, make your dissatisfaction be about the truth. Not a game, but realistic needs you desire to have your husband meet and he's choosing to not do it.
I wish for no one to be divorced. It's the road I'm on and it's not an easy one. If you can, save the marriage, just don't compromise yourself to do it.
Best of luck,
S.
I'm sorry you are going through this. WoW is an extremely addictive role-playing/fantasy game. My hubby knows people from work (many are over 40!) who play for hours and hours and hours online...and have been playing for years. They are able to "escape" real life and become someone else -- and since it's such an intricate game, there's lots of "new" stuff to discover in the game over time. That's what keeps the gamers hooked on it. I wish I could help you -- but I wanted you to know that your husband is not the only one. My very best wishes to you.
I just wanted to agree with those who noted that this is an addiction. It has control of him and not the other way around, and the situation should be treated as such. I don't remember all the steps and what order they go in, but I'm pretty sure that one of them is admitting there's a problem. It sounds like you might need a third party (counselor) to help him come to that conclusion. He needs to get his priorities in line. In the meantime, hang in there! I'm sorry you're having to go through such a hard thing.
J.,
So sorry to hear about that. I do have to say I met a man once with a similar story. His wife divorced him beacause of his addiction to the same game. I bet you will hear similar stories. How sad, but you & your daughter deserve better.
J.
I had a first husband who was addicted to his computer. Among other things. Notice I said first husband. Although nowadays there are more and more computer addicts and on the plus side he is not sitting in bars or hanging out at some other woman's apartment. Is there a chance to reconcile and perhaps work out something? If not then so be it. The lawn thing is a bit amazing. He does sound addicted so have you tried believe it or not a program first for other addictions (although there might be programs for this one now). I am talking about programs that help the family. He needs to handle that himself. Perhaps if you disappear for awhile on a nightly basis or do get a divorce he will notice. He sounds like he has a terrible condition much like gambling, alcoholism or drugs. Some people are sexaholics. After going through a divorce and getting remarried and happily I still say however that if there is an inkling of love left in you, try to find some help and make sure everything is planned for carefully. Good luck.
