Hurt feelings-Mine (Long-Sorry)

I can give you this perspective. My younger brother is 23 years old and he is in a world of his own. He lives 5 minutes away and at most we talk on Facebook and occasionally over the phone for very short periods of time if there is a reason to be talking. He does not chit-chat. His priorities are working so he can have money to go out with his friends. His priority is his buddies and what he is going to do with them next. I do wish I had a closer relationship with my brother, but am not offended by his behavior most of the time. I know my brother loves me and is glad I'm in his life and he loves his niece and nephew. I really think this is a stage for him, and your step-son. They are in their own universe and is focused on their own lives - friends, girls, whatever is most important to them. I think you should make efforts to stay in his life occasionally by calling him just to say hi - not to give advise, or lecture, or judge him in anyway - just a few minutes to see what he's up to. I'm hoping as my brother matures he comes back to spending more time with the family - maybe when he finds a girl he really likes. I'd give your step-son the same benefit of the doubt, and let him know you are still around. Hopefully, he'll make his way back to you too.

I understand why your feelings are hurt.

But know this: You made a very real and positive difference in that kid's life. He may not show it or even know it right now but he will O. day.

I really feel bad for the great step parents out there b/c they often have to take a back seat to the biological parent--even if they are wacky and abandoned them previously. But the fact remains that the kid wants and love his mom. I'm sure he loves you too--maybe more but he might not be able to get his arms around that right now.

He may also realize that his biological mom's love and life comes with conditions. After all she abandoned him (at least) once already. He knows you never have.

Continue to be a loving, supporting, caring constant in his life, as you have been.

It might seem like a thankless job right now but you will have your day. I'm sure your husband wholeheartedly appreciates and knows all you've done as this boy's "mom."

I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't keep his distance so not to start a fight with her and also so he doesn't have to be remind how much you are to him. It seems odd but think about it. I know it's hard but give him some time. Continue to always include him and he will come around as he gets older. You could also try to just be honest with him if you can't bear it. Just say... "I want you to know that I have always loved you and you're my son always. I miss you." Don't get into his leaving or anything else... just make it about missing and loving him.

Oh I am so sorry you have to go thru this! Kids just dont understand the sacrifices we make for them. I think it's unfair the way your "son" is treating you but it's like this in most cases.....It doesn't matter what his birth mother did or didn't do for him all those years, all he wants is for her to love him, period. I know it's frustrating and you do need to talk to your husband about it. It's not something you should be going thru on your own. I experienced this watching my own mother with her father and also my SIL with her father. They both said the same thing. They want to be acknowledged and loved by the ones who abandoned them. Unfortunately he prob thinks he is betraying her if he has a relationship with you. Hopefully she is not making him feel that way, but in these situations she very well could be. After all you are married to her ex husband. Some people have no shame! I hope your husband will be supportive of your feelings and if it were me I'd also speak with a counselor. It helps when a 3rd party can put things in perspective and it will also help to just talk about it! Also just let him know that you will always have open arms for him no matter where or when he may need you again. sometimes so much time passes that people feel ashamed or embarrased to reconnect. If he knows his feelings are safe with you it may be easier for him to restart your relationship! You are in my prayers!!!

I understand your pain. I adopted a foster child who came to live with me when she was 7. Her caseworker warned me that no matter what kind of relationship my adopted daughter and I had, her birth mother would always be an important part of her life; that she might not ever call me mom, etc.

She did start calling me Mom after awhile but she longed for her birth mother's love. I frequently felt like an outsider until I learned and accepted that this wasn't something personal. Babies do form an attachment to their birth mother before they're ever born and typically this attachment lasts no matter how the birth mother treats the baby/child. I suspect that this is caused by the drive to survive.

My adopted daughter always loved me. She wasn't able to tell me so until she was an adult. She also didn't tell her birth mother she loved her nor did she talk about love in connection with her. Her birth mother's parental rights were terminated and whether or not she saw her birth daughter depended on me. I had to prevent visits because she was destructive to my adopted daughter's well being.

When my daughter was an adult she resumed visits and would often choose being with her birth mother instead of me. She defended her birth mother and criticized me, etc. Along with those actions she still called me Mom and did rely on me, and not on her birth mother, for emotional and physical support. I felt hurt and very confused.

My daughter is now 30 and no longer speaks to her birth mother. She's apologized to me for her insensitivity to my feelings. We've had long talks and I understand that she was working thru her own pain and was unable to consider mine. I knew that at the time it was happening but it didn't stop me from feeling hurt and sad. I grieved.

At the same time we were both in pain, we also shared many good times mostly because I did not back off. I kept including her in my life. If I'd been you I'd have put myself on the phone to talk with your step-son. I'd keep contact with him thru phone calls, e-mails, and Facebook. I'd be sure that he knows that you love and miss him.

He's so young and feeling confused. As you hinted, he may feel that if he pays attention to you his birth mother will reject him. He may feel that he has to choose between the two of you. You didn't say what her attitude is. He lives with her and may have to be really low key in his involvement with you. He may feel that you don't want to have as much to do with him as you actually do because he chose to live with his birth mother.

I strongly urge you to be the one that keeps contact with him, keeping in mind that he's not far chronologically from being a teen and in fact his brain is still not fully developed. He isn't yet able to put life together in a mature way. And.....he is most likely handicapped by being abandoned by his birth mother at the beginning. He has much to work thru emotionally.

So do you, but you have more life experiences and a mature brain to help you. Counseling may give you a boost in a less painful direction. It's likely that his distance is not only causing you pain, in its self, but is also triggering past painful feelings from the past.

I believe that he loves you but doesn't know how to show you that love. Find ways to make it easier for both of you to be in touch. Perhaps you could even plan to get together in person and to talk on the phone so that you can tell him how much you love him and how much you miss him. At the same time let him know that you'd like to understand his situation and how he feels.

Please also know that people often treat the person that they're less sure of better than the one with whom they share love because they know that the person who loves them will love them no matter what. My daughter was trying to win her birth mother's love. It didn't matter that she hadn't taken care of her when she was a baby and child. If she could only do or say the right thing, her birth mother would love and care for her. It was when her birth mother put my daughter's children in danger that she stopped talking with her and seeing her.

A side note. When he was a teen he was acting very normal when he didn't have time for you. One has to insist that their teen spend time with them. Please insist now when you visit where he lives. Don't accept no for an answer. Because you didn't find a way to see him he may feel that you don't care all that much. Be honest about the way you feel. Be confident in your right to spend time with him. Make it happen!

I think you are doing the only thing you can which is just cry and process through your feelings. He was the child of a broken relationship and the repercussions of that go deep. I am sure he loves you, in fact him treating you so crappy is probably a sign that he does see you as a true mom in his life. You know your mom will always be there no matter what you do, no matter how you act, no matter what, she will love you and be there for you. I know plenty of moms who have shed tears, mine included, over their distant kids who don't have time for them. It is hard. I think if you just give him time and space to work through things with his bio mom he will come around. Just keep loving on him and letting him know that he is a son to you and always be, and I think you will have a son in the end. My hubs has a step mom and he sends her mother's day cars every year and loves her as a second mom even though she is actually divorced from his dad. They had some distance for a time but now she is my kids Mimi and they are really really close. Hang in there...he'll come around....

I'm sure sorry to hear how much this hurts. I'm having a little trouble following the whole dynamic; you say he didn't talk to you on his BD, but does that mean he has treated you with anger or disrespect? Has he indicated at any other time a wish to have you out of his life? That possibility is suggested by your request, but it's not really clear.

At any rate, I hope you'll hear some facts that may lessen your emotional pain. Teens and young adults often "reject" their parents. This is usually temporary, and arises out of…

… their own confusion and divided loyalties (and he did have a potentially confusing history with two families);

… "anger" or impatience toward the authority and nurturing figures in their lives, whether deserved or not (this is a common emotional tactic for young people to "prepare" themselves for breaking loose and moving forward into their adult lives);

… sheer obliviousness (teens and young adults are frequently so focused on their own lives that they simply fail to register how those around them may feel).

Do you know that he's pushing you aside? That would be rather different than "not having time for you," from a teen's point of view. Do you know that his birth mom "got all the glory?" and if so, what does that mean? From her point of view, is it possible that she's feeling much like you? If your conclusions are only guesswork on your part, they might be mistaken guesses, and it would be a shame to suffer such heartache over a mistaken interpretation of events.

At any rate, if I were in your position, I'd make gentle overtures on holidays, birthdays, and occasionally in between, but be careful to keep my "expectations" as low as possible so as to avoid obligating him. Guilt and obligation don't really foster a loving relationship, and can cause many young people to pull further away. It may take a few months or a few years, but as he sorts out his life and feelings, I'll bet he'lll appreciate how you're always there, loving him patiently.

All my best to you and your family.

I totally understand your point of view. We rescued two nieces at great personal cost to us. The one ran to her mother and destroyed her life as soon as she turned 19. The second one looks like a success because she lives out of state and tells huge lies. Neither appreciates or even acknowleges us now.
It was so painful that we are secretly glad they don't call or come around much. When they do, I am tempted to remind them of reality. I don't because they would just think I am trying to start something. They have a fantasy life that is unbelievable to me.
I have to remind myself the fantasy they hold onto is to protect them. No one wants to admit their own mom does not love them. It is not fair or right, but it is reality.
I am so glad he had you to love him:-) He may not ever be strong enough to face the harsh truth, but you still did an amazing thing for him. You are a true mom.

Next time you see him in person, talk to him in a unemotional way using "I" statements (not "You should've talked to me" but more like "I really wanted to wish you a happy b-day and was hurt that I wasn't able to talk to you on your b-day"). It could just be that he's 20 and a guy and it didn't occur to him. Or it could be he is feeling pressure not to talk to you. Or it could be something else. But he's an adult now, so open the communication in an adult way for both of you, in a non-confrontational & loving way. Now that he's an adult, he should be able to make his own decisions about who he wants in his life and stand up to his birth-mom (easier said that done, maybe, though).

I have a 7 (almost 8 in December) step son, whom i've been around since he was 3. He has always and will always be my baby :) I just had my baby son last year, so for a long time he was our only baby. This posting really made me cry, I could not imagin going through this. I love my step son with my whole heart, and truly believe you do as well. The only words i can say is keep your head up, one day he will come around, and know that you have 3 other kids that love you with all their lil hearts.

<3

I would make a special trip to see him but I wouldn't tell him I was coming.
Surprise him, take him to lunch. Talk with him. Share your heart with him. Show him how much you love him.

There are many things you can't do over the phone or the Internet and this is one of those things that needs to be done in person.

I wish you and your family the best.

I think that he just confused with his feeling and kids that have to go back and forth between parents are feeling guilty of who to love.He sounds like a perfect case of staying away becase his biological mom might make him feel guilty.No mom in the world want their kids to love another mother figure and I know that it's hurt just for me to say that.But it's true.She might not seem to want him before but somehow things changed.He might not be ready to admit that his feeling for you is a bit confusing.I think that he care for you deeply that is why he does not want to talk to you.Boys have different ways to act out their feeling and you would think that being 20 is mature but no.He will only come to his senses as soon as the inner heart kick start his brain.Just be there and hope that somehow his feeling for you still the same and one day when he is free from the other mom's guilt putting on him.He'll come around.Just don't show any negative feeling and be positive.Be a better person and things will come to you.

i am sorry that your feelings are hurt. it take him sometimes to trully realize how he feels about you. sometimes it takes us going through real life situations to really understand who menas what in our lives. it took me a while to realize that my mother was the super woman that she is! but he may never come around so just know that you did all you could and if you did right by him and you can go to sleep with a clean conscious! can his other mother do that! i say other because you are the real mother! good luck and i hope that you feel better.