Hubby Wants to Quit Second Job

Updated on October 05, 2014
L.L. asks from Lexington, NE
23 answers

So back in August I was going to go back to work after baby was born in May, till hubby got a call saying he had the oppertunity for a second job. At first he wasn't going to take it, considering I was planning on going back to work, but he gave me the option to stay home if I wanted to. Since I knew if I went back to work, I wouldn't be getting many hours till the end of the year, if any, knowing how he scheduals people, and driving 20 some miles back and forth every day, I figured it wasn't worth it. So he went ahead and took the second job. We were suffering quite a bit since they were taking half of his income out of his check for child support, so we were getting maybe 400 a month with his one job because of it. With the second job it would give us enough to keep afloat. Since then we have gotten his child support lowered and his checks from now on will be more like 600 a month. He works part time at both jobs, one is 30 miles away. There are days where he works both jobs. goes to one, then comes home to the other, no break. He is also taking classes online where he is trying to study to be a teacher. Problem is, he has had trouble keeping up with both scheduals, he has missed two maditory meetings, one at each job, been late to his first because he didn't know he was working the earlier shift, and Missed a day completely because he forgot he had taken on anothers shift that he asked for because it wasn't writen on the schedual. He also seems to beleive that I am not capable of taking care of the house and the kids at home, seeing as there are some days he comes home to me crying. I admit, I have had a hard time adjusting to having two kids, one a 4 month old baby girl who is more demanding that I ever remember my son being. I try to deal with her while trying to clean house, cook dinner, work on homework with my son, and keep up with everything around the house. It has become stressful because there are expectations of me and when I can't get them done or live up to them, I feel I am going to be ridiculed for not doing so. Now I am not usually, though there are times where I will get complained at about something that hasn't been done, and I feel like a complete failure. But this isn't every day, though recentl;y I have been getting terrible migranes and it has set me in tears most days. Never the less, with out his second job, we are down to about 600 a month, with 700 in bills. he though is including my child support into the budget so we would have around 1k a month. I am not sure if I shold be upset or not that he wants to quit his second job. I like having a little extra money left over to do things we would like, instead of just getting by. I would go back to work, but daycare cost a fortune around here, and I am not comfortable leaving my baby girl with her father. So am I wrong to be upset, should I be more understanding? I wish I could find something closer to home to make money myself, I would do it. Le sigh. Don't know how to feel about this.

p.s. Her father gets more fustrated than I do with her crying, and I just don't trust him with her alone. Why I decided to stay home and take care of her. More so than the money aspect.

p.s.s For those that have said for him to get a full time job or for me too, we live in a town of 600 people, the only place close by with jobs is 15 to 30 miles away and even then no place is hiring around here for full time due to the new health care act. Only places that even consider full time are ones that usually can afford the new health care for their workers and those jobs are for nurses and Cns and the like.

To those that say I should move. Do you think I have not thought of that. We plan to move next year after my son is out of school, if at all possible, but to move to a bigger city where there is more work does not mean you get more money, because you are speading more on rent and all other bills. When you already don't have a lot, it really is hard to move. It cost a lot of money to do so, if you don't want to start all over with your belongins and all. That is why we are waiting till after we get income tax not to mention I think moving in the middle of a school year would be bad for the kid.

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answers from Chicago on

I read all of everything, but what stood out is WHY don't you trust father alone with her? As far as everything else goes, you should know by now, this too shall pass.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Seems like a no-brainer to have one full time job instead of 2 part time jobs, especially ones with long commutes. Maybe start him with that. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from San Francisco on

You are not comfortable leaving YOUR baby girl with her father?
Sorry sweetie but that's HIS daughter too.
I have no idea why you would make a child with a man you feel you cannot trust to be alone with her (what if you got sick, injured, died, God forbid, what would happen to her then?) I would hope you have thought long and hard about these things.
If not then you have bigger problems than worrying about money :-(
I would suggest doing childcare in your home, just one or two kids, but it sounds like you are overwhelmed with the two you have. Not everyone is cut out to be a homemaker. It doesn't make you a failure or a bad mother it just means you need to do something else.
So instead I will suggest that you do what some moms I know have done, get a part time job you can go to when your husband is home to watch the kids. One friend of mine worked at Target, another at Starbucks. Not glamorous but it helped pay the bills and kept the kids out of daycare.

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Erie on

Why have a child with someone with whom you are not comfortable leaving the children? What if you died tomorrow, what would he do then? You do not have the luxury of choosing whether or not to earn more money, it sounds like you MUST start making more money soon or you will be underwater. Do you have any savings? What happens if the car breaks down, or your husband gets sick and can't go to work? What is your back up plan?

Keep looking for work, it sounds like your husband needs to let go of something before he starts to do poorly at all of it and loses both jobs and earns poor grades. You need to start bringing in some income to help support your family and he needs to take care of the children when he is not working or going to school. Either that or he needs a much higher paying job. Good luck.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

Having a little trouble accepting this post as factual. What your fiancee makes is well below poverty. You more than likely already have government support and if you went back to work your day care would be taken care of.

So why aren't you working?

Why on earth did you tell everyone off in your profile blurb that most don't look? The only reason I looked is a friend pointed out how stupid it was.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

I can't imagine supporting a family on $12,000 a year. That's crazy.

You must qualify for some kind of public assistance, right? You're living at 50% of the poverty level...are you using all the assistance that's available to you?

You're both under a ton of stress. Supporting a family by working two minimum wage jobs and trying to get an education is too much for one person, and being home with a fussy newborn is also hard.

I really think that you two need to figure out a plan with an end date and divide and conquer. For example, I have two sets of friends who had twins when they were not in a good financial spot (young, newlyweds, couldn't afford FT daycare for two babies). In both families, one parent worked days and the other worked second shift and they split childcare, with a sitter covering an hour or two of overlap in the afternoon. A typical schedule was that one parent worked 8-4, leaving at 7 AM and getting home at 5 PM. The other parent worked 4-midnight, leaving at 3:30 PM and getting home at 12:30 PM. They had a sitter from 3-5. The second-shift parent had the harder end of the deal because she or he could only sleep from 1AM - 7AM and was up all day while the other parent could go to bed when the babies went down for the night and get up at 6AM. That parent was also the one to get up in the middle of the night for feedings. It was tough, but each couple knew it was only for a year or two and then they'd be in a better position.

You need to trust your husband with your baby. My guess is that the frustration he has comes from the exhaustion of working two jobs and taking classes. Wouldn't it make sense for you to both work and share in the care of your child, so one parents isn't burdened with all of the work or either working or caring for a fussy baby? That way you both get a break. If you work alternating shifts, then you could hire a sitter for a couple of hours instead of pay for daycare.

And definitely move. Honestly, I know teenagers who make more than $1000 a month working part-time jobs. Sure, cost of living is higher in other places but you're never going to get ahead where you are.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Are your married or living together. Back in September you were calling him your fiancé. So I'm confused on that.

If you cannot trust this man to be with his daughter alone why did you have a child with him? Seems to me that perhaps you are saying that because you don't want to go back to work. If you truly don't trust him to be alone with the baby you have bigger issues that need to be addressed now. He should be able to be with his child without your supervision.

You and your family are struggling. You husband/bf/ whatever is working two part time jobs. Honestly, I don't see how hard it is to keep his schedule straight. But that's another problem for a different day.

Have you applied for any government assistance? Seems you would qualify. Your family needs help NOW.

Being a responsible parent is tough but if moving during the school year is best for your family's survival then you need to move.

In reading this post, I'm not sure what you are asking. Should you go back to work? Definitely. Should your husband/bf/fiancé work two jobs? Yes, until you get back to work. He also needs to write things on a calendar and make sure he knows when he is supposed to be at each job. What would happen if he lost one or both jobs? Your family would suffer. That is NOT an option. Should you move? Yes, most definitely, Now. Should you apply for government assistance? Yes, today.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Maybe I'm not following you. O. year ago you wrote about a STB ex.
Now you're married with a 4 month d and your son from ex?
No wonder your head is spinning.
You sound like you are living well below the poverty line.
Too bad businesses would rather employees use snap, Medicare, etc rather than raise minimum wage to a living wage.
You are the working poor.
Are you entitled to healthcare? Food stamps? TANF, help with daycare, etc?

ETA: I forgot the part where you don't trust your "husband" alone with your baby. Truly unsettling. But if you feel that way--protect her. And I wonder: How safe are you? If you are being intimidated, threatened or physically abused? Please call a women's shelter. Safety first.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Reading this along with your other posts, I see that you have some significant issues with depression and anxiety, now you are getting migraines. Your fiancé (now husband) is really a bit confused about his schedule and he's missing some important deadlines. You two don't have good enough communication right now to manage your tough days (in tears) and his childcare expertise. You don't trust him, and you prefer him out of the house at jobs for (I suspect) more than the money. He sees you in tears, worries about your anxiety, and wants to be home more. You two have some communication issues to work on, which I'm sure are very difficult to find time for if you've just had a baby, he's working 2 jobs, you just had custody issues with your son, and he had child support issues with his other child(ren). So you have a LOT going on!

When people are dealing with depression and anxiety and stress, sometimes other problems take center stage - but the reaction to those problems are really tempered and affected by the underlying depression. So I think your hubby needs to deal with why he is so distracted that he's missing meetings or other job requirements, and you need to figure out why you are only looking at the financial things (which are definitely present every day) when there are plenty of other pressures. I know you feel you have no time and no money, but please make time for counseling! (Your doctor can refer you to someone who accepts your medical insurance, or your town's office of family & children or the pastoral counseling network can suggest low-cost or sliding scale counselors.)

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Get a job and get comfortable with leaving your baby girl with her father.
He'll have more family time while you get a break from them - it should work out perfect.

You are not looking for reasons to succeed - you're running through excuses to continue failing.
You're in good company - lot's of people shoot themselves in the foot this way - change is scary.
Moving during a school year for a child in elementary school is far easier than if they were a senior - stop thinking that school is a reason to stay.
Your daughter has 2 parents - and parents have had to deal with colicky babies before now.
Come up with a plan (and/or ear plugs) and Dad needs to step up and care for his daughter while you work and not harm her - this is another excuse.
You as a family move to where the jobs are - people have done this forever - they've moved to completely different continents without knowing the culture or language to do it - it will not be half as much a harrowing experience for you to move to a new state.
If moving 'all your belongings and all' is too much (but you already don't have a lot?)- sell them or most of them - it's only stuff - and you can buy more stuff when you get to where you are going.
All that excess baggage just weighs you down - it's another excuse.
North Dakota is having an oil boom right now - there are jobs to be had - go there - before Thanksgiving - just do it.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

My husband and I both work, we have for forever. Even when I was a stay-at-home mom, I worked nights and weekends. It's what it took for us to get to a good place in our lives.

Honestly, it sounds like you need to get a job. A 15 minute commute is not that bad (my husband drove 2 hours one way for 3 years when he needed a job) and if it helps pay the bills, you do it. Working at McDonald's is better than not having the money to pay the bills.

You're not comfortable leaving your daughter with your husband? What? Why are you there? Why did you have a child with someone you didn't trust to care for them? I'm so confused.

Don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you and your husband are making life harder than it has to be. Not everyone has the opportunity to stay at home with their kids. Living on that amount of money each month is not enough, no matter where you live.

You need to get a job. He needs to get a better job. Put on the adult pants and get moving with life.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

i was coming along with you until i fell down hard on 'i am not comfortable leaving my baby girl with her father.'
i think this is a bigger concern than the money situation, dire though that is.
i think you need to refocus on this far, far more worrisome problem before anything else.
ETA to everyone suggesting she do home daycare, i have to say i think that's not a great move. would you leave your child in a home where the man can't be trusted with his own kid, and the daycare provider is this stressed and desperate? home daycare is a lot of work and responsibility, and i really think L. needs to fix the stressors first.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Him having two jobs isn't working. If he continues to miss meetings, he will get fired, possibly from both. Can't he find a full time job at one place? I think quitting and seeking something that works better would be a better option.

Secondly, do you coupon and use other frugal means of running the house? When I had my second child, I cut down our costs by a fairly large amount by changing the way I cooked and the way I shopped. Maybe you could try this?

Also, it sounds like you are in the thick of little ones. I've been there, still am with a 19 month old. Sleep deprivation makes you crazy anxious. You need to take care of yourself. To keep on top of things, fly lady. Freezer cook. Get your kids to do as many chores as you can. Rethink how the household functions and see how you can make it easier. If cooking is too hard, then simplify it: Monday is taco night-slow cook pork shoulders and you should have a few months worth of taco meat, Mexican style rice freezes great, and he crockpot is awesome for making refried beans.

Take care of you. Of course you are crying. You have a baby. Your hormones are crazy, your exhausted, and overwhelmed. Get as much sleep as you can and lay down for a nap in the afternoon if possible. But also, pick yourself up. Meditate and make a to do list and just do. Stop thinking and get moving. And remember, this is all a fast phase that will be over soon.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

What happened to the job you were going to in August?

I can understand frustration on both sides here and what is going on now with your hubby working is not working... He is going to end up losing one or both of his jobs if he can't be there when he is supposed to and do the job right.

The money issues alone is enough to drive a wedge in a family. I do not understand why you do not feel like it is safe to leave your baby with your husband unless there is more to this story that we have not heard.

You are talking roughly $12000 a year and that can't sustain a family of 4 for basics, much less any savings, college, and retirement.

Why are you waiting on income tax? Adjust your withholdings because you should not rely on a tax refund. By allowing extra funds to be withheld, you are just allowing the government to use your money for free. I think that right now... you need that money more so talk to HR and get some adjustments made on payroll.

I realize you don't want to move but it may be in your best interest to move to an area that has a better economy and BOTH of you get jobs with staggered shifts to dig yourselves out of this hole before it consumes your family.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

I live in a large enough town that I don't have to worry so much about not finding work, although, some how people seem to end up in that situation. In my mother's day, she grew up in a small town and they moved. They went to a town where there was work. They drove across the state line to do some field work. They found it.

Then when my parents got married, they moved even farther to an even bigger town. Then they moved again and raised their family where they could find work.

When my daughter was young and I was a single parent, I went to work. I found daycare that was supplemented. They used a slider scale based on your income.

If there is no work where you live, then move to a place where there is work.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on both need balance, and you don't have it.
I'm not understanding why it is a problem with him working a job that is 30 miles away? I commute 37 miles one way each day. And I live in Chicago, which means that commute takes over an hour some days. It sucks, yes. But it's life. Since you live in a small town, that drive can't take more than 30-45 minutes. What's the big deal if it would give more options and better work?

I think you need to go back to work and find balance for yourself, and hubby needs to cut down to one job. You can figure out childcare around that. But you can't have the ideal and embrace change at the same time.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Have you looked into government subsidies for childcare? I am not sure if going back to work is really a solution, but another idea is him using a day planner/calendar on his phone. I know working 2 jobs can be hectic but if they are both part time, it seems like he should be better able to keep track of them.
Do you just feel like you will be ridiculed or does he actually do that. Either way, I think that issue really needs to be addressed.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

ETA again

I googled your employment area and within 25 MILES of your town there are 419 jobs open today. 13 of them are IN YOUR TOWN!

Here's a link in case you don't know how to use google to find work.

SO please, you can't tell me you've went and filled out an application for every one of those jobs,

Your hubby has found work at 2 jobs, some jobs are there...

PLUS I understand how hard it is to drive to a nearby town to work. I lived in Moore Oklahoma and was driving to college in Stillwater OK, a lot further than it is from your town to Kearney.

But don't tell us no one is hiring at all because either you haven't even bothered to check or you just really don't want to go to work.

Get a job!

Your family is suffering by your refusal to go fill out the paperwork to get free child care and to go fill out applications at every single one of these places until you can get one to hire you.

If your hubby can transfer to a full size university that has student housing on campus please consider getting an apartment and moving soon. Then you could probably stay at home and he could quit both jobs. Student housing comes out of your financial aid before you get a penny. They are usually also all bills paid so the only thing extra you guys would have to buy is food, gasoline, insurance for the vehicles, your income would be zero so you could get food stamps, low income housing assistance, and probably financial assistance through the state. This of course in NOT a long term goal. The goal if for your hubby to make the best grades he can so when he graduates he'll be able to get a good paying job and not be hunting for months and months due to low grades.


YOUR FAMILY IS SUFFERING. Your husband is working himself to death and he cannot continue.

Your circumstances are such that you have to go to work. Go fill out the paperwork for free child care and find a job. Period. If you can't find a full time job in your town there are towns nearby where you can work.

You get up in the morning and take kiddo to school then take little one to child care, then you go to work. When you get off work or hubby gets off work either one of you go pick up the kiddo's. Whomever gets home FIRST starts dinner.

Miracle of miracles...your house stays clean when you're not there. It's easier to manage the house when you're not there all day. Really it is.

AND little one will be much easier to handle because you'll have had a break from her.

Don't say your husband should not quit his second job. He can't work 3 jobs and that's what he's doing. He is a student working towards a future where you'll be able to stay home if you want.

Sometimes no matter how hard we wish it, sometimes you don't get what you want. Wanting to stay home with this little baby is nice. BUT YOU NEED TO WORK SO YOUR FAMILY WON'T HAVE TO SUFFER ANYMORE.

Please just go find a job and help your family. Child care should be FREE for you. Even if it's not the co-pay you'll have won't be much.


Just gonna put it out there. Free child care is available for low income families. Go apply and go to work. Full time. Your family is suffering for you not going to work. That's not helpful and it's actually selfish and hurtful.

Don't go back to your old employer, that wasn't enough hours. Go to work full time somewhere and help your family have a nice life with a father who is alive and able to function. Good grief! You are not working and he's coming home dead tired!

Why haven't you gone to work already. If he divorced you he'd get full custody since you don't have any income to support the kids. So go to work!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Louisville on

Why are you not comfortable leaving the baby with him? Is he incompetent, prone to anger issues, or irresponsible? Do you think your baby would be in danger alone with him?

If not, I would suggest "weaning" him onto caring for her by leaving her alone with him for short periods of time... Maybe go to the store on your own, go for a walk, get a workout, etc. while baby is home with him. That will give both of you a chance to have some practice runs and get comfortable with the idea before you are committed to a chunk of time a job would require. Then go ahead and get that job.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

Lacy, your post screams of pain and confusion. My alarms are going off all over the place as I read it. Please get some professional help because you clearly are struggling with a ton of stress and self doubt and a sense of feeling powerless. Is your partner abusive? What makes him unsafe? If he is a danger to your daughter please get to a safe place ASAP (shelter). If he is not than I would get support/help in examining why you have a hard time trusting others and to figure out how to become empowered in your life. Time to come up with a course of action. I know it won't be easy because everything comes at a cost and will require some sacrifice. Sorry if I sound harsh but I am worried about you and the impact of this stress on your kids. Sending prayers your way.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

L., you are full of excuses. Time to buck up and do something about your problems besides just making excuses. Get a job. Let me repeat that...time for you to get a job. Babysit kids in your home if you have to. Cut down on expenses. You obviously have internet. Right there is an expense you can eliminate. And as far as not trusting your child with her father, sigh. Why did you have a child with a man you can't trust? Right there is your biggest problem. I suspect your husband/boyfriend is abusive. Take your kids and go to a shelter. Get away from him now. Get an education, get a job, and be a role model that your daughter can look up to.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

You and your family need to figure out what is best for you. However, if you are asking my opinion. Your husband is being overworked and he needs a break.

I never understand when mothers say they wouldn't trust the child's father to take care of the child. He is the child's father and your husband. Why wouldn't you trust him with his own child?



answers from Minneapolis on

what i find most disturbing is you dont trust your hubby with kids-if i couldnt trust my hubby alone with kids id be gone in a new york minute.and if finances are so bad-why did you bring another child into this chaos-dont get me wrong im not trying to judge you or be rude but im just trying to understand all of this-i guess you need to tighten your belt-is there something medically wrong with the baby that shes crying so much? when me n my kids dad had 2nd child-he was making 7.50 n hr as a welder-i worked right up til 2 days before birth-i was only making 4.00 n hr.thru a temp service-yes this was 33 yrs ago-but we had to prioritize-he was more about his buddies n partying than the welfare of our babies-thats why i divorced him.but i could always trust him with our kids you really need to think about your life n those babies..good luck

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