Hubby Is Procrastinating with Bills

I can only tell you what has worked for my marriage. When we first got married I paid the bills and kept the checkbook balanced...until...

The great financial disaster of 1997...in which I bounced 5 or 6 checks all at once and nearly killed us in late fees, returned check fees, etc etc etc

So, my hubby took over and paid bills and balanced the checkbook until the great financial disaster of 2005...he bounced two house payments in a row. I found out he wasn't using a paper balance sheet and was throwing all the paid bills in a big cardboard box in the back of our closet...we have 4 years of statements in a box in the back of our closet...not filed in our filing cabinet or in a notebook...in a box. He was also just glancing at the balance in our account on the computer screen, not taking into account billed paid but not cleared through the bank yet.

So, I have now paid the bills and balanced the checkbook from then until today. I have a giant three ring binder with divers for each month and punch and place each bill in the folder as it come in. Then I sit down twice a month and pay then...those due the first and then those due the fifteenth.

Would he be open to you taking over? He might be relieved that he doesn't have to do that job anymore. My husband was glad to hand it back over to me and jokingly said well until the next "financial disaster".

We have always kept our books open and either of us have access to everything at all times...he can double check me anytime he wants and I could have anytime I wanted to when he was "book keeping".

So maybe gently ask if he would like you to organize the bills and help him keep things together. Tell him it would ease your mind and help him out too. Feed him dinner first and it over when he has a full stomach. My hubby is much more agreeable after dinner.

Sending you a hug...how frustrating...

I may be totally off base here, and if so, forgive me. But just reading your post, I wondered if there is something else going on with him? Could he be spending money elsewhere without your knowledge? It could be anything from online gambling to buying things for himself or others (my aunt's husband went off the deep end and bought $50K worth of guns on credit - boy, was that a shocker for her and everyone else when she found that out!).

I think the first thing you need to do is take control of the situation. Your credit is at stake here, and if the situation progresses, your home could be in jeopardy, your cars... the list goes on. Go to your bank and have them reset the online password so you have it. Do the same with your other online bills. Then, go to Paytrust.com or a similar bill pay website, and have all of your bills sent to one place online. This way you don't have paper bills that can mysteriously go missing. Start using Quicken again so you can reconcile your bank accounts properly and track spending.

I would also pull credit reports from all 3 major credit reporting agencies. You can do this once per year for free. Just check on there and make sure nothing strange is going on (like your husband opening accounts in your name and spending like crazy - this is what my uncle did to fund his little $50K spree).

I hope it's just a case of your husband being disorganized or overwhelmed, and it sounds to me like you are the one who is more organized in your marriage. It's probably best that you take over. I wouldn't really give him the choice. He is not acting responsibly right now. I just got kind of a weird feeling reading your post that there may be something else going on - hopefully not and you can quickly get the situation under control!

Good luck!

Take over the bills. Tell your husband this stresses you out and you want to take over the bills. You love him. You appreciate him, but his plate is full and this is something you want to do. It is the year 2010 and nothing is written that the husband has to be the check writer. If he wants to see what you do then keep a ledger or an excel spreadsheet.

I am with you, I don't understand. This can jeopardize your credit substantially!

Is sounds to me (I am merely an outsider reading a post) that he is hiding more than just bills. Take it for what it is… very odd behavior. Has he gotten in over his head with something else? Best of luck!

E.

From the outside looking in, my first thought is that your husband is trying to hide something. His behavior is very odd for an adult who knows better. You have some very good responses. Get whatever detailed information you can for the credit cards and bank accounts (i like the suggestions to get a credit report and bank statements). Maybe he's gambling or something. I would act fast though. If there is something deeper going on, it's best to take care of it asap. Good luck!

I have a good friend who went through a similar experience. She found out (when they were applying for a loan on a new house due to a work move) that he was regularly using the bank's "overdraft protection" which was basically a loan with a high interest rate.....and they were $4,000 in the hole at that point. With him it was a two part problem....the secrecy was to cover a bit of a gambling problem. He traveled quite a bit for work and would stop on the road and hit an Indian casino here and there. Not a ton of money (in the over-all scheme of things, but she didn't know about it and it would add up.) But the larger problem was more of a self-esteem thing...the man of the house should be paying bills and he doesn't want to admit that he's not good at it. The secrecy of your husband could be that he knows he sucks at this and doesn't want you to know how much. I've always done the bills at our house and when we were first married I would hide how bad I was at it. We've been married 18 years and I still get a pit in my stomach when I hear him ripping open mail. I have to remind myself that I'm no longer hiding statements that show late payment fees. You may want to phrase it like, "You're so busy, honey, it may be just easier if I do this, starting in Novemeber." (Give him a chance to wrap up loose ends.) If you accuse he will deny and it will continue. Good luck

You're right, V., his delays make no sense at all. Once you add in the issues of secrecy, you are probably looking at something a little darker, an aversion rooted in fear or anger about something (possibly a lack of power or control), which is, ironically, not in his emotional control.

Of course, if it's important for him to believe he has it handled, then he's not going to want you meddling. So he keeps telling you he's got it, you don't need to worry, you don't need the passwords, etc.

You're not too likely to change his basic emotional setup, and you'll do your relationship and your financial obligations a favor if you just quietly insist that you'll take over the bookkeeping. This may be tricky – you'll probably have to reassure him that you have every confidence in his ability to provide and make good decisions, but that you'll experience less anxiety if you take the responsibility to see that all payments are made in time, because worrying about the consequences keeps you awake at night (or whatever). Have a list of late charges and near misses at hand. Good luck.

This is my first time on here and WOW, you are having the same trouble I am having. Here is what I did just today. I went to make a phone call when I found out that our cell phone had been temporarily suspended. My husband and I split the bills. (I pay certain ones and he pays certain ones) The cell phone bill is his. So, I sent him a very short and to the point email that simply said, "The phone has been turned off, fix this ASAP".
Within 10 min he text me on my phone that said, "test test". I just responded, yep.
There is no need and no point in getting angry or frustrated. It will only alienate him, just let him know that you know he is not taking care of business and leave it at that. He will get the message that you are angered and he will fix it.
Like you, we have the money, he just doesn't pay it. Frustrating, but after 21 years, I know he will never change.

Looks like the two of you need a conversation and the action plan! Why is he changing passwords? Does he forget them? Looks like the bad organizational skills or some other secrets....
If tha't his bad organizational skills, have all passwords established together and you both must know them and write them down and put them in some safe place. If he is unable for some reasons keep up with bill payment - just take over, I mean, open the bills, set up your own pay system and tell him you are not comfortable with him doing it his way.
You know, financial matters are very important, those are basic trust issues, you need to get to the bottom of this behavior.
Good luck.

I can't read through all of your great responses so far. There are many areas in a marriage that require honesty, transparency and above all responsibility. Finances are a BIG one. Your financial tolerance is clearly different than his. And he does not seem to be responding at all in a mature way. Instead it looks like he's digging his heels in the more you want financial intimacy, the more he backs up. So my suggestion: find a church/synagoge/community center that offers free financial services. Let them be the middle ground where he can learn some new financial tools. All of your requests are completely normal, like the password, bills be paid on time, no fibs about it all.

Also, might your husband be ADD/ADHD? Does he treat all other responsibilities this way, with an attitude that he'll do, he wants to do it, he plans on doing it, but then forgets?

No I have not dealt with that because my hubby and myself are very involved with financial planning and never miss a due date, etc.

I am the one who gets the mail, (bills) and I pay them when I get them. It is a bill, it hass to be paid, so I just sign onto my banking and pay it.

You are good to be thinking about how you will approach him. This is something serious that has an impact of BOTH your credit scores. See if you can "help" him by taking some of the pressure off him managing this and and you start managing this job.

Good luck, I can imagine how frustrating that must be.

Those are suspicious behaviours. You should have all the passwords all the time and complete access to all of the accounts, all the time. period. I had to take over all of the bill paying and budgeting, but that's because my husband is just bad at it, not because he was hiding anything. And from what you describe, your husband is hiding something. I would insist on complete access and question anything less he is willing to offer you.

Nah, I don't see any deep problems here. Just plain laziness. Clearly feels like it should be HIS responsibility (honorable I supose), but can't get around to it. Most females I know great PLEASURE in paying bills on time just because we CAN the fellas have a harder time parting with cash! Think you're gonna have to put your foot down and take over, as silently as possible. Good Luck!

My hubby is like this too...I'm pretty diligent, and pay monthly bills on-line right out of my checking account. That makes the process easier - I just have to go on my banks website, type in the amount, who it's getting paid to, and when to pay it (if I want it on a certain date instead of just the earliest date they give me). You might want to take over the bill-paying duties (do you have a joint checking account?) and do it this way - no stamps, no writing out checks, having to mail them etc.

You can also make it even easier by setting up automatic bill-pay out of the checking account - then the full amount just comes right out and you don't have to do anything. But the whole amount will be paid and you need to be aware of what day it will probably come out and be sure there are funds in the account to do it.

This makes no sense. If you are capapble of paying on time it should happen. Tell hubs not sure what the control issue is here but are you intentionally trying to screw our credit rating? So many people wish they were in your position and he is frankly f-ing it up. Definitly sounds like control issues. Is he the sole provider therefore feels he should control the money? Does he question or limit your spending? Are there other areas of your life he wants to control? If the answer to these questions are yes, you my dear, are dealing with a control freak and he has got to be made to see the light before he messes up all your finances. And as a sidebar, even if the pre-school website said zero balance, you (meaning your hubs) knows you haven't paid for a new year so why wait and be delinquent, why not act on it instead of waiting to react when the school tells you, you need tp pay?

You poor thing! OK, my two cents . . . First my husband ALWAYS says no man likes to be told what to do. However, if I were in your situation, I would call your bank (if you are on the same account) and find out if you can get a copy of previous statements. Then try to see if there is something else going on. If there is nothing strange or suspicious, then talk with the phone, electric, school and other companies you will owe money to and set up an auto payment. Since it does not seem your husband knows when you actually do pay a bill, it might just be easier on him. You could also tell him you did it to ease the stress of you worrying about the bills being paid on time.

I hope this helps!

Hugs!

I am probably more like your husband--I just hate to sit down and pay bills! My hubby is much better at it so he does 90% of the bill paying. It makes sense that you do it. You don't think he's hiding something do you? Seems weird about him changing the passwords.

Check out the book "The Surrendered Wife" - that was an immense help to me. Basically, if a wife wants to hover over her husband and rescue him from the consequences, he will never take responsibility. It is only when the wife steps back and stops watching/rescuing and lets him take the consequences that the husband will finally step up to his responsibilities. Good luck!