Hubby Announced His Vasectomy!

Updated on November 18, 2009
R.U. asks from Yukon, OK
16 answers

In the past he's always said it was never an option. Suddenly he has decided and he already scheduled the surgery for three weeks from now! I feel like I never had a chance to talk about it. Six months ago he was saying that we could have another baby. I have three boys and I really want a little girl. I know there is no guarantee I'll ever get one, but if hubby gets snipped than there definitely won't be any chance. All his reasons for stopping with three kids makes so much sense. So why am I so depressed about it? I've had horrible and life-threatening pregnancy complications every time (pre-e w/hellp, hyperemesis gravidarum, insulin dependent gestational diabetes, pre-term labor). It makes no sense to take that risk again. Of course there are the basic benefits of not having to worry about unplanned pregnancy and being able to support a smaller family financially. I need help closing the baby chapter of my life and moving on!

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So What Happened?

Thanks for your advice. I'm still trying to get him to wait at least until Jan. We'll see what the urologist says...

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answers from Oklahoma City on

It's hard to close that chapter. After a complicated pregnancy, by husband and I decided that if we every felt incomplete without another child in the house that we could always adopt and give someone a good home that he/she may never have. My grandma had 4 boys and always wanted a girl. She now has 4 daughter in-laws and lots of grandaughters and great-grandaughters. She thinks it's better this way because she gets to do a lot of spoiling without dealing with the consequences.



answers from Oklahoma City on

Well, there is always the option of adoption out there if you really decide that you want another child. And with that option, you can be guaranteed a daughter!

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answers from Oklahoma City on

Even when I agreed that I didn't want another baby, I struggled with the v. It was just such a final decision. I think I had emotions wrapped up with not being able to have a kid, getting older, etc. . . It is a huge and somewhat emotional decision.

In a year or two you will definately enter a new phase of life that will revolve around school activities, sports, cub scouts or whatever they choose. You will be meeting tons of new friends, on the run all the time, and it will be a whole new kind of fun. Image being able to run out the door w/out a diaper bag or having to consider what time somebody will need a nap! Image being able to go places all day long because your kids will have the stamina for longer outings. Travel? Sight seeing? Much fun awaits you!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Shreveport on

I know exactly what you are going through. I have three kids, and all my pregnancies were life threatening and all three were early. My first two weighed only 2.6, and 1.9 pounds. My Children are about the same age as yours too. My oldest boy, Dawson is 6. My Daughter, Dillan is 3, and my youngest boy, devon is 16 months. I knew I shouldn't have anymore. The doctor told me I shouldn't. I was on bedrest for two months, and in the hospital multiple times with my last one. But still when hubby announced the vasectomy, I was really sad. I had a friend tell me, I was mourning the children I could've had. That is exactly right. That's what you are going through; Mourning the loss of children you could've had. It's been over a year and it still makes me sad to know we can't have anymore, even though I think it was the right thing to do. You have to just accept it, and go through it. Understand, that your health is so important to the three you already have. You are not alone in the way you are feeling. I think it's normal. I wouldn't mind at all if you want to email me to talk about it sometimes. Many Blessings.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New Orleans on

Perhaps you could gently educate him on more natural ways to regulate pregnancy rather than unreversable sterilization. NFP, Natural Family Planning, or Sympto-Thermal Methods uses signs from your body and your temperature to indicate infertile times. Since your reasons for not getting pregnant are very serious (your health problems) you really need to take a class before relying on NFP. In marriage there are three: husband, wife, and God. The three of you should pray to help make the decision that is right for you. And believe me I know this is easier said than done. Good Luck to you. And stay healthy your husband and three boys need you.



answers from Little Rock on

i have 3 kids also, and my hubby had his while i was pregnant with #3. I was happy for him to do it as i didn't want to get my tubes tied, but i also had 3 perfect pregnancies and 2 boys and a girl in the middle. i can see wishing for a girl but if you had those complications you need to think about your health and the health of another baby being born early perhaps. i'd focus on the 3 you have and enjoy them as much as you can. think about how in 2 yrs you'll have 3 potty trained and be able to take family trips so much easier. the more you have, the longer before the oldest gets to do all those fun things that you can't do with little ones like canoeing, rafting, disney world, hiking up mountains, etc. that helped me decide. i feel like my oldest was having to wait on everything and now that my youngest is almost 3, i'm starting to think about going camping in a tent. my oldest is almost 9, and if you keep having more, they'll be 12 before we know it and not want to hang out with us. Hope you can focus on the positive. and if you really want a girl, maybe one day you can consider adoption. good luck.



answers from Baton Rouge on

Because of all the complications you've had, it sounds like your husband's decsision is the best for everyione in the family, including the kids you already have, who won;t be at risk of being left motherless if the next dangerous pregnancy kills you. It's not fair to them to risk leaving them without their mommy just because you want a kid of the other sex.
If you decide later that you MUST have a little girl, there are LOTS of little girls in the foster care system who need parents - you can adopt one.



answers from Tulsa on

Okay, here's a thought. Sit down with him and have a conversation. Tell him specifically that you are having a hard time coming to terms with the surgery, you haven't had time to accept it. Not that you want to go get pregnant but that you want to make sure you are ready for it mentally so you won't have regrets and "what ifs" floating around your brain. You know what your risks are, I don't know what all those conditions you talked about are. If you truely are done, then after talking about it with him you will feel better.

My best friend for nearly 15 years talked her husband into having a vasectomy so she wouldn't have to take birth control, he complied, she divorced him 10 years later so she could have more kids. She regretted him not being able to get her pregnant nearly every day of their life after the surgery. She had c-sections every pregnancy and has MS. Now in her 50's she has 2 adult children in their 30's and several children now all finally in elementary school. She is very happy and feels like she has the best life in the world.

Talk to your husband and let this decision to cut or not to cut be a joint venture.



answers from Oklahoma City on

I am 40, with three children - two grown, and one almost 16, and I still think about the kids I could have had, lol. My husband had his vasectomy 15 years ago, but it was a mutual decision - ours was because of the cost of raising children. Even though I still look at my beautiful kids and wonder about the ones I never conceived, I don't pine for them and I am happy with what I have (though eagerly awaiting grandchildren!!!).

I'm afraid that your husband deciding to do this without your consent will lead to resentment in the future. I suggest a long talk and some soul searching before either of you commits to this decision, and while you are making your minds up, use birth control if he wants you to - that's only fair to him.

It sounds to me like you know and justify that three are enough - you just don't like the finality of the decision being his choice alone. And just think of all of the granddaughters you might someday get to spoil!



answers from Monroe on

Sounds like your hubby is looking after you, as heart broken as you may be. He evidently thinks this is the best for you physically & for the family in more ways than just financially.
All I can recommend is weigh the risk of another pregnancy & if you're willing to take on the risk, try to get pregnant within the next three weeks. Otherwise try to be grateful your husband loves you enough that he doesn't want to take the risk of loosing you due to another pregnancy. And try to think of your other 3 children not having mommy around if you were to try for one more.
I'm sorry my advise isn't the greatest, & probably won't help you close the door to wanting another baby. I don't think anyone can do that except you :) We can all give our opinion, but you are the one who has to prepare your heart to be satisfied with the 3 you have. Just think, one day you will be a grandmother & you will have babies to love on & spoil once again :)
And I can assure you, they are as precious to you as your own, even more so in some ways, that's why they are called GRAND-children. We get the good times with them & then they get to go home with mommy & daddy & they get to have them when they are bad....:)
Best wishes!


answers from Tulsa on

Hi R.,

Your children are the exact same ages as my grandchildren! My daughter and son-in-law are seriously considering a vasectomy so that an unexpected #4 doesn't happen.

In my opinion you shouldn't put your three little boy's mother at risk again. Would you want them to be raised by your husband alone? Support his decision for the vasectomy and stand by him all the way. It takes a brave man to choose to do this and a smart and loving man to choose to do this to possibly save his wife' life.

Have you considered adoption to have your little girl? We adopted our second child and are truley blessed. While being processed for our home study in preparation for adoption, our case worker located a teenage couple at a Crisi Pregnancy Center where she volunteered. They were going to have an abortion but a friend steered them towards the CPC before they made such a final decision. After learning what happens during an abortion they opted for life and an open adoption. We were chosen as the lucky family to welcome their baby son into months later. Not only were we blessed with a son but we had the satisfaction of knowing that we took part in the saving of an innocent life.

I totally understand your desire to have a little girl. I was blessed with mine first and wanted a son also. When it wasn't in the cards we decided to take the next reasonable step. If you feel the need to round out your life now with a little yourself, your husband, and your children a favor...consider's not as risky as you having pregnancy complications again plus you get the gift of a lifetime.

W. Q

PS...if you need a local Nana for your little boys... lol My grandchildren live in Colorado and I just don't seem to get to see them often enough.


answers from Oklahoma City on

Your husband is probably terrified that if you have another baby, you could possibly die. You have had a LOT of complications. He doesn't want to be rearing all of these children along. I agree with the previous answer, please consider adoption. You might have to get on a wait list for a while, you might have to get a child from another country. Think of the good you could do for a little girl without a home? Meanwhile, I think it perfectly fine to grieve the end of your childbearing days. Eventually, every woman must face the fact that she isn't going to have any more children and that can be really hard for some women. Try to focus on all of the blessings you do have. God bless!



answers from Tulsa on

This would be something you would need to study out and pray over. Sometimes things don't turn out the way we'd imagined, and it can be hard to accept or adjust to it, but then later we see how these twists and turns were for our good and for the good of those around us. I'm the middle of three girls and I'd always wanted a brother when I was growing up, but since my father was abusive, it's very likely any boys in our family would have grown up to be abusive as well. So that was a blessing in that it reduced testosterone-fueled conflict in the home, and also meant less likelihood of grandchildren being raised by an abusive parent.

I have two little boys. The first pregnancy went well but ended with pre-e that required urgent surgery and a week in the hospital before going home and being confined to one floor of our house for a month. The second pregnancy went very well but was difficult at home because my husband was in his first year of medical school and desperately needed to study every waking moment, and the new baby had colic and my two kids were only 18 months apart. In the midst of all this, my husband told me he'd be content with just two kids, and that made me feel very sad, even though I was desperate for sleep and the house was a mess and I was stretched terribly by my infant's piercing shrieks all the time, especially if I put him down. Doesn't make sense, and I knew it at the time, but I also know I want more kids.

After prayer and thought, I feel I can accept only having two kids, and I will make the most of it while they are young. My 2-year-old seems to have grown half a foot in the past month and it just makes me wistful for when he was 18 inches long. If we have more kids, we'll accept them. My husband (an RN as well as a [now] second-year medical student) says a vasectomy can be done as an outpatient surgery and is much simpler to reverse than tubal ligation. To reverse it merely involves stitching a tube back together, so if you both decide later that you'd like to try again, you can likely do so.

Remember, too, that if you place your life at risk to have another baby, you risk orphaning your children who still very much need you in their lives. You can instead consider adoption, fostering, or even volunteering to help new mothers in your community and help them get some sleep or home-cooked meals or whatever. That way you'd get time with a baby, you'd be easing another mother's burdens, but you wouldn't place as great a strain on your health or your family. It's a thought. I'm glad you came safely through everything!



answers from Oklahoma City on

My husband is having the same issue just reverse. I am done having kids and want to get my tubes tied so we are done. Now he wants another one. He didn't want the first one until she was here and now that I don't want another one because of pregancy complications and age differance he is wanting one. He says it is because he can't have one, but I don't know.... Maybe it is the same with you now that having a girl is nolonger an option it may be hard to sollow that you will only have 3 boys, but they will get married someday and you will have 3 daughter in laws. I know not the same as baby girls and getting to watch them grow up, but then you wont have to deal with girl teenagers. :) I am so frightered when my daughter gets there.



answers from New Orleans on

I think regardless of what happens, it MUST be a joint decision. If your husband makes this choice on his own, not only is it not fair to you, but you will always be wondering what could have been and resenting him for not considering your feelings on the matter. Maybe you could sit down and weigh out all the pro's and con's. Yes, you have 3 healthy children already and your pregnancies were difficult, but that may not change the fact that you still want another child. Hear everything each other has to say and then decide what to do. I'm sure the last thing your husband wants is to make a decision that you will never be okay with. Good luck, and don't forget to pray about it!



answers from Oklahoma City on


I'm kinda of in the same situation as you! I have 2 boys and desperatley want a baby girl, my problem is my age, I'm 39 and my husband is 42. Like you said there is no gurantee on getting a girl but my neighbor told me about a formula that they used and she claims it really works. She said to douche with vingear before having sex on days 12, 14, 16. If you want a boy then you would douche with baking soda. I think we are going to start tying even with the age against us. Good Luck to you and maybe your husband will change his mind!!


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