My husband and I need some advice on an unusual situation. No good deed goes unpunished sometimes. We don't know if we are out of line here. My husband's family lives several hours away from us, so we do not see them much. My husband has a nephew who turned 18 and just graduated high school. My husband is his godfather and has always had a good relationship with his nephew. We called my hubby's mom to ask if there was going to be a graduation party up in their area so that we could make plans to take time off. Well, come to find out, his nephew's parents and grandparents are all fighting with the nephew and no one wants to throw him a party. They are all at odds about different things, so it's a mess. My hubby and I decided that we would either have a get together for him to celebrate or we would just take him out to dinner. I was kind of leaning on just taking him out to dinner, but when I spoke to his nephew, he would like a whole family type party get-together, but he mentioned that he is hesitant because of all the bickering. Do you think we are out of line here by giving him a party? Any advice on how to handle this one?
Thanks for all the great advice. So far, the plan is to take him out to eat with his mom and grandparents. The family is in turmoil due to his father's girlfriend (long story).. The poor kid is stuck in the middle of that plus it created a whole lot of bickering between his mom and my in-laws. We are definitely not getting in the middle of this situation. Hopefully, we can take his mind off of things for a few hours and bring some joy
Thanks moms.
No matter what the cause of the bickering is, every graduate deserves to have their accomplishment acknowledged. I would just take him out to dinner with maybe his parents, but I would not agree to organize a party. Just tell him that something can't be arranged in the short amount of time.
M.
Hi M., I would take the nephew out for a nice dinner to celebrate with him. You are not his parents, and he has parents who he lives with, so I don't really think it's for you and hubby to step in and make him a party. If that's what he wants, then he needs to resolve things with his parents. I would not step in the middle of this situation.
My vote is for dinner only. You don't know the entire story and frankly, its none of your business. Honor and celebrate your nephew with a nice dinner. Don't get yourself tangled up in the larger drama.
My advice is spend the money on a really nice dinner out that you can enjoy with your nephew. IF his own parents and grandparents are mad with him...there is probably a reason. So just congratulate him, give him a nice gift and a nice dinner out and call it a day...save yourself the drama!!
If his parents, for whatever reason, have decided he should not have a graduation party, I think you have to respect that. Even if you think the reason is silly, whatever it is, I think parents need to be allowed to parent without other well meaning relatives undermining their parenting decisions.
Now, does that mean you can't acknowledge and celebrate your nephew's accomplishment? Of course not! My advice would be: Go for the ceremony and take him out to dinner while you're up there. Try not to get in the middle of whatever is going on between him and his parents. There is no way you will make it better, and may very well make it worse.
Hope this helps,
T.
No, I don't think that you are out of line. Everyone deserves a graduation party.
From what you describe, I would NOT give him a party. It'll just put you in the middle of all the bickering. Taking him out to dinner or doing something else special would be much more appropriate. I'm sure he'll understand.
Is the bickering over your nephew and decisions regarding him or WITH your nephew over something he did. Seem like when you talk to him he wants the family all to "get along" based on wanting a party with whole family. In your case, I would give him the nice dinner, invite the rest who wants to come and consider your deeds done!. If they don't show up, it's not on you.
I'd find out the reason they're fighting. Graduating high school is a huge accomplishment and everyone deserves a party. Even if he's in trouble right now, celebrating the good in him would make him feel good/loved/accepted. My party meant a lot to me, not to mention the money really helped once I went away to college. It could be as another wrote, they don't like his after HS plans. Good luck.
To be honest - you need to find out what is going on before you decide how to handle it. It could very well be that parent/grandparents are not happy with the choices he has made for after graduation... college or no college & work instead...moving out on his own. Personally if it is something like he wants to move out on his own and work yet they want him to go to school instead then I would throw him a graduation party b/c he is 18 and has made it through school and it is his life to live now. Now if it something like they caught him doing something illegal then that is a different story.
I know a friend of mines parents stoped talking to her for 2 years after HS b/c she decided to move in with her boyfriend, work and go to school part time. They wanted her to move away and go to school away from the boyfriend. It has been 20 years now and they just celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary. Sometimes it can be something as simple as parents still not being able to let go and let a child begin to live their own lives.
Take him out to dinner.....they might want to start something with you and your husband for wanting to throw him a party type thing.
Take him out alone and celebrate hs success. Leave the family squabble themselves, it would be sad for them to act out at his graduation celebration with your family. If he needs some advice from a sound mind, then maybe a quiet evening with you all would mean more to him than what his parents/grandparents have to say.
In anycase, not every kid gets a graduation party with lots of family... very few I know did. Mine consisted of me going out with my sister, who then met up with a guy I had never met and I had to sit uncomfortably in the room as they made out all night. ha!
I would just take him out to dinner...
Sounds like they are acting more childish then him!!! I would get to the bottom of the "problem" and see what you can do to help. His parents should understand what a big deal this is for him and even if they are having problems, they can set them aside for one day. You can't just throw a party without them agreeing to coming together again.
If you can figure out what the problem is and it is not your nephews fault, then host a party.
If you find out your nephew has caused the problem invite him and a friend (his choice) to a nice dinner.. Aren't families great?
Interesting because our daughters graduation party brought to a head a big blow up in our family. I am still not speaking to my MIL or SIL..
Take him out to dinner. Tell the others if they want to go they can. Chances are if you throw a party and every one is mad they will not show up anyway. Tell everyone to let you know so you can make a reservation. If they want to come great. If they don't you tried. I don't really think it is your place per se to throw an entire party. But a dinner together (everyone pays for them selves, you can get the grad if you want) would be nice.
you should go with what the chid wants the adults that care will be there and get along
No way! Give him a party, and people can sort out if they want to attend. Its sad for him to suffer due to family bickering!
Give the kid his party, who cares what anybody else thinks, let the kid have what he wants he wont have another chance to have a party for graduating from high school.
It sounds like you're placing yourselves in the middle of a very volatile, private immediate family issue here. If you want to do something nice for him, then dinner is a great idea, or something similar... it can still be awesome and fun and well-done.
I would suggest taking him out to dinner. You might step on too many toes by throwing him a larger party. You might want to consider having your husband talk to his parents about his wish for a larger gathering. It might be a nice place to end the disagreements and all come together to congratulate your nephew on his accomplishments.
I feel that a godparent has a role in giving their godchild something the parents can't. Sometimes it's spiritual, emotional or something tangible. I suggest you do do something special with him. Perhaps you could reward him with him concert or theatre tickets to a play and attend the event with him.
What on earth could he have done to make them ALL so mad at him that they don't want to celebrate his big day? Something silly or illegal? Sad! Having a party with all the family could be very uncomfortable for everyone. I would first take him out to a nice dinner. Since the usual gift for graduation is money, you could give him the money you would have spent on the party. College students need all the help they can get...assuming he is going to college. If he's not going to college, some good mentoring would be appropriate, otherwise it's like he got paid to graduate.
