How Would You Punish Your Child If You Were in My Shoes?

Updated on September 29, 2010
S.T. asks from Bradford, PA
24 answers

My daughter tells me to grow up all the time. However I was 13 when someone first inappropriately touched me and invaded my privacy and perfect world and shattered it to pieces. I used to think that Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana Sucked and was just for little girls. I would constantly tell my daughter to shut it off and called it noise when I had enough of it. Then the more she played it the more it started to grow on me. I actually like her music now, and am disappointed that she turned to Acting and decided to put her music career on hiatus. I own Hannah Montana the movie, own the first season on dvd, have Hannah Montana desktop and firefox persona, own Hannah Montana soundtrack 1,2,3, and 4. Own Breakout by Miley Cyrus and Also Own Can't Be Tamed. Got a HM Purse at Goodwill half off and last night in my free time I was looking at HM bath towels on Ebay because I wanted the hubby to buy me one for my birthday. I am a veteran's day baby and My party is coming up soon. So if your kid told you to grow up just about every time you turned around or looked sideways what kind of punishment would you enforce for every time she disrespected you like that?

Curious Mom in PA.

My daughter is 10 and still likes HM in fact she told me NOT to tell her friends that she likes her because apparently it's not cool to like HM these days anymore. My daughter begged me to buy her that HM tour bus that play along toys were selling for Christmas. I have one in the closet and may sit down with her on Christmas day and play HM with her. I also plan on buying her the concert Stage if I can find the extra cash. I also plan on buying me two singing HM dolls to play HM concert tour with her.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

Featured Answers



answers from Los Angeles on

I don't think it warrants punishment. But maybe a conversation. Ask her why she says that to you. She may think it's weird that grown woman likes HM. This will allow you to have a discussion. Tell her that you find it disrespectful and insulting for her to speak that way to you and ask her to stop. Explain that the next time, she will be spending the rest of the day in her room - no tv, games, etc.
Good luck :)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

my daughter and I both have things we "fan girl" about. We tease each other constantly about it.

For us this is something fun and its not something we take seriously. I would say to have fun with it. When she says, "grow up", tease her back. don't make it a power play.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Lansing on

Well, if my children were to tell me to "Grow Up", I'd respond with "I'll grow up when/if you grow up". Too me, it's not that big of a deal to have a power struggle over or to enforce punishment on. I would view it as their way of expressing their opinion with something I was doing.

More Answers


answers from Houston on

This is such a weird post, sorry.

you clearly are obsessed with hannah montana and your daughter is clearly embarrassed by it., get a grip on the reality of the situation, your daughter shouldnt be disrespectful but im not sure she knows how to deal with this

im an adult and im pretty baffled by it

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Well, first you belittled your daughter when she liked it, and now you love it which makes for some confusion on her part, and so now she is doing the same thing you did to her... so you feel like now that you like it, she should just forget the way you made her feel it was stupid too?

I don't know, it's a tricky thing. I mean, if my mom was all over New Kids on the Block when I was a kid, and carrying around a New Kids purse and bath towels and stuff, I would probably have been embarrassed too! Are you going to be throwing a Hannah Montana party as well? Just curious.

For one, you have to respect her first and show her that example. Then, you have to consider that maybe she has a point. I mean, I don't know if you're dressing like Miley and dancing around the house in boots listening to the soundtracks, or watching the movie every week and crushing on Billy Ray, and gushing over Miley/Hannah with your daughter's friends or anything, but if so, then your daughter has a point, and maybe you should be a little more reserved about this, at least in your daughter's presence. I mean really, Miley isn't exactly a stellar role model for teens or young girls anyways.

Still though, there is that line of respect she needs to be giving you.
Really, you just need to sit down with her and explain you have your likes and she doesn't have to like that, but you are still her mother and she needs to remember that and treat you with respect. If she continues to mouth off or get nasty with you, ground her, take away her cell phone, she has to miss going out with her friends, do extra chores, loss tv/computer priveledges... make her write an essay on respect (what my parents made me do).

6 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I don't know about a punishment here... she is likely a little embarassed by your interest in a teenie-bopper and feels too uncomfortable to tell you about it. Frankly, it seems a little inappropriate and I'm not sure how it relates to your early experiences. Think about it from her perspective... she's likely an insecure teen (like we all were) and is hoping that you won't display HM towels in the bathroom where all her friends can see.

Tone it down and your daughter's behavior will likely subside as well.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Toledo on

Punishment isn't the answer. You "commandeered" her idol, and she's giving back what you gave her (shut that noise off, I've had enough of that, etc.) You disrespected her choice, so now you like HM, and she's disrespecting YOUR choice. This is what you taught her. Did you disrespect her choices when she was watching Barney and Teletubbies? Why did you regarding HM? Because it didn't suit your values, or just your taste? I think an apology from you is in order, and a promise to be more respectful in the future. You can't demand respect from a child just because you're an adult. You have to teach her what respect for others is about by being a good example.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Yes your daughter is rude but she also has a point. While I can understand your new found appreciation for HM, your fascination with the items may be a little overboard for a "grown-up".

Please get some professional counseling for the trauma of your stolen innocense. If you do the hard work there, your life will change for the better but you have to be willing to do it because hurt people, hurt people.

As for a punishment for your daughter and her disrespect, you know her better than I do so only you can determine what punishment would get her to change her ways. One of my kids hates being yelled at, so I yell at that kid to effect change. Another kid hates being lectured, so I lecture. You need to taylor the punishment to the kid without punishing yourself (meaning if you ground the kid you will be grounded too because some one has to watch the grounded kid).

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Wow. I'm sorry. This is too weird to me.
I mean I hate Spongebob until I watched him, now it cracks me up--but I wouldn't buy a Spongebob purse.
I like BTR b/c it reminds me of the Monkees, but I don't play their music on my iPod or in my car.
Are you O. of those moms that wants to be more of a friend than a mom.
Just sayin'.
Odd. Sorry.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I wouldn't punish her. You are reaping what you have sown. You disrepected her choices and now it's come back to haunt you. If it wasn't Hannah Montana, then it would be some other thing. Respect is a two way street and it has to be earned. You've lost your daughter's respect and I can't say that I blame her. I can see getting the dolls, but towels?

What you can do is swallow your pride and apologize for your past ridicule. Don't demand an apology from your daughter, but warn her that going forward, you would appreciate it if she would talk to you in a respectful manner. Phone or tv can be taken away if she does not. This also means that you need to speak to her in a respectful manner going forward. Be the example.

If she says, "Mom! Grow up already." You can ask her to clarify what she means (work on that communication skill building thing that another mom suggested) or say, "Excuse me? I don't believe that's the way you should talk to me. You may want to rephrase."

best of luck

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Asheville on

Maybe she is having trouble dealing with the fact that you felt like, and probably verbalized that, you thought MC and HM were for little girls. Now all of a sudden you have gone HM and MC crazy. Maybe you feel that you missed that part of childhood due to your "privacy invasion". Maybe she has moved past liking that kind of stuff and doesnt understand why you like it as you are a "grown up".
If your daughter is 8 or 9, I would say that she is having a problem with the fact that you like it too and wants her likes 'to herself'. If she's 13 or so, I would say she is past that stage of liking MC/HM and doesnt get what you see in her.
You must REALLY like her to have and want so much of her merchandise.

Of course all of this is just my opinion.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I would try to get her to better express herself. She's saying "grow up" - the only thing it's telling you is that she doesn't like something. You definitely get that and it rightly irks you.

So, teach her communication skills and have her tell you what she doesn't like. For example, you used to say 'shut off Hannah Montana. I'm tired of hearing it.' That is much more clear. She may not agree, but that would be the next lesson (negotiation, with respecting others' needs)

NOW instead of punishing her, you're teaching her how to get her issues across and can also walk her through how to find a compromise. Isn't that a great thing to develop? Would that server her well with her friends and throughout her life?

If you punish her, she may never figure it out. That's what parents are for - to get their kids to learn good life skills.

p.s. sorry you're getting flack for HM. Maybe your daughter is feeling like her individualism is being invaded because a ~parent~ likes what she does. (don't know how old she is) ...

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

That is a bit all over the place. I wouldn't punish her or anything -I would just say, "That's rude, and I'm not going to tolerate you talking to me like that." She's 13 -just get ready for a barrage of things she's going to say to you! Quite honestly, I probably would have said the same thing to my mother if she had taken over one of my tween/teen idols when I was that age. I was fine with her liking some of the same music or movies or tv shows, but it would have been weird to me for her to get that into a teen idol beyond a like for the music. Does your husband think it's weird? Mine would.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Umm.....did you not put your daughter down for liking HM. Now you idolize the teen yourself. My bet she is kind of freaked out by you liking her SOOOOO much. I find it a little strange myself but who am I to say that. You would be punishing her for telling you the truth. This post kind of hurt my brain.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Regardless of the issue, you daughter should not speak to you like that. You are the adult and should not have to answer to a 13 year old. Simply tell her in no-uncertain-terms that she may not speak to you like that. If she does it again, you will immediately take away her tv/computer privlidges for the day (or the next day), a 2nd offense you will take away her Ipod, cellphone, DSI (whatever) for a week, and the 3rd time she is grounded for the week or no sleepover, party, movies, or whatever she has planned for the weekend.

As far as your obsession w/HM & MC, it is fine to enjoy their music, movies, and whatever but when it comes to advertising your admiration for all the world to see...I'd think twice. If you have a private bathroom or closet that you can use as your shrine then go for it, especially if you think it will help you deal with the issues of your past. But to flaunt it in front of you daughter, knowing how she feels, seems a little passive-aggressive to me.

I really hope you find a workable solution for both you and your daughter's sake. 13 is such a hard age and a girl really needs her mom during this time in her life. It would be a shame to let something so trivial get in way of your relationship.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Sacramento on

It's not ok for her to be rude to you, but it may be her way of telling you that she is embarrassed by your Hannah Montana obsession. Most pre-teens these days do not like HM. Do you have these things around the house or talk about her in front of your daughter's friends? I know my 10 year old hasn't liked HM for a couple years now and has even told me that she thinks Miley Cyrus makes bad choices.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

i mean no disrespect with this but honestly i think you have a obsession with tis and you are a little old for that big of a need for these tings i would try to endulge in something different more age appropriate but in the meantime she def should not be talking to you like that and i think yu should have a mature convo with her about how to treat ppl and whats ok and not ok to say to your mother

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Boise on

I think letting her know how she is allowed to talk to you and not to talk to you is in order. Whatever you do, it needs to be immediate and not too harsh, unless she continues. BUT, you also need to respect her, even if it wasn't to your taste at the time. She needs to learn that she can tell you whatever is on her mind, but she has to do it respectfully and you have to return the favor.

On the other were telling her how stupid X was while she liked it, and now you have taken over the obsession?!?! I think it is one thing to have CDs and DVDs, but a purse and bathtowel? That is a little beyond what is necessary. You are sounding a bit like the obsessed pre-teens.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Dear S.,

Your daughter is being disrespectful and should be told that she, under NO circumstances is allowed to say "grow up" to you again. If she does she will be grounded for a week--all privileges suspended.

However she is probably embarrassed over your obsession with Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, the tween/teen idol of this day. Keep in mind most teens are embarrassed about one thing or the other concerning their parents.

You said you were molested as a 13 year old and it seems that is the thing that you have never really dealt with and should probably seek professional counseling.

As for wanting Hannah Montana towels for your birthday? To each his own, but I think it’s sort of immature unless you’re a collector. If I were sharing a bathroom with another adult, I would not want Hannah Montana towels hanging up. What does your husband think?


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Where do I begin? The first thought I had from your post was Grow Up. I truly don't want to come across as mean but I am also wondering if this post is a hoax & was written for a good laugh. Well if this post is legit then it sounds like your DD is very embarrassed by your tweenish behavior since you are acting more like a friend than a mom. Kids tell other kids to "grow up" but since you are acting like a crazed tween she is talking to you in that tone.

Your obsession is very unhealthy & quite immature for a mom. Perhaps it's due to some sort of lost innocence since you posted that someone "shattered" you at 13, but I ams still unclear how that relates to your post.

My opinion is that you should let your daughter know that you would like to change the dynamics of your relationship with her, but she will need to see the change & that needs you to get out of your obsession with a tween superstar. Until then she will not see this as a mother daughter relationship.

I think if you find the "extra cash" you should use it for something better like counseling. This obsession is very unhealthy, we moms should help our daughters to not focus on stardom but focus on real life & help our daughters find ways to be proud of their own accomplishments & be successful in whatever they do. This is YOUR job as her mother. Best wishes

BTW how do you play HM?

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Harrisburg on

First of all she is a teenager and they "know" everything. So I would "kindly" remind her who the adult is in this house and tell her to curb her language or get Hanna Montana removed. You are not friends and you are not competing with her. These new age shows IMO seem to encourage rudeness in the light of "fun". Set your boundaries by letting her know her place. I play goofy with my sons, but the moment they hit at me or cross the line (and you know), then they get the look. Believe me, kids know who and what they can get away with. Set your boundaries mama. All the best!

PS: I guess I misread your post. I agree with the others who said it is her way of saying stop being like a teenager, since you are also obsessed with HM. I read it in the light of her just being disrespectful to you.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from McAllen on

I think that before you punish her, you have to make her understand that people like different things for different reasons. And she has to respect that and be tolerant of that. She has to respect you, and others, for being you they are and not for what they like. I am sure she respects you for many other things, only she might find it embarrassing that you like Hannah Montana, all teens find something embarrassing about their parents. You like Hannah Montana the same way my dad (60ish) loves mickey mouse and has every disney movie ever made jajajaja.
My dad would make us do all his chores or all my mom's chores if we ever disrespected them, just to know what it feels like to be on his/her shoes. We did everything, getting our sisters ready for school, making their breakfast and making sure we left on time to school, then after we came back fix dinner, and laundry and whatever my mom had to do that day, no help whatsoever.
But my dad would also always expect us to be tolerant of each other, if you like it, you like it, if she doesn't you're not forcing her to watch it, or listen to it, or anything, so she has to respect you for who you are and not what you like.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Portland on

There is a clear emotional difference between "respect" and "courtesy." Can you respect someone you don't respect? Not too likely. Can you treat them courteously? Of course, and civilization depends on it.

Sadly, we don't get to "demand" respect from anybody, human or animal. We earn it, and that is largely by behaving in a way that they respect.

We can "require" our children to behave courteously (and request the same from our spouses, parents, coworkers, and neighbors), but again, that is achieved best through example. If we treat kids disrespectfully, or rag on them for their authentic feelings, including likes or dislikes, they're not getting the best example of courtesy. So they will see our requirement as disingenuous or hypocritical, and that lowers their respect for us.

If my daughter was telling me something like "Grow up!" I'd want to have a calm, ADULT chat with her about what that would mean to her. I'd be listening closely for her interpretation of my rules and behavior, and listening for any gaps between the two. If I had been disrespectful to her, I would apologize, sincerely (to model what that looks/feels like), and tell her with a cheerful smile that I pledge to do better.

This is NOT giving up parental authority. It's modeling moral/ethical authority in a way kids actually get. I tutored some very angry at-risk teens for a few years, and treated them with complete respect, rather than autoritarianism. They were quickly jumping through amazing hoops to please me. This works.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I have to agree with just about everyone who responded. Your daughter should not talk to you that way. She needs to respect you. I do not think it warrants a punishment as she is probably really embarrassed and she is starting that awkward stage when you just want to fit in and doesn't want to be laughed at. You should sit down and talk to her about respecting you. I would probably be just as embarrassed if I were her. I like watching HM too, but I would never go buy all that stuff.
I don't believe however that you shouldn't be yourself just because of what other people think. If you like something, wear it or get it. But because you have a daughter, you are responsible for her well being and this is hurting her and she doesn't know how else to deal with it except to lash out. This is an important time in her life where she is coming into her own and needs support. I think you should try to tone it down when you are around your daughter or your daughter's friends. Do what you want at other times.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions