How Would You Deal with This.

You could point out that he's spending extra money taht he really doesn't need to, but I think it would only cause more trouble right . Now that she's graduated things might start to change, like getting a job! If it continues much longer or gets worse, then I would say something.

Tell your husband how you feel, as calmly as you can. Maybe he feels guilty for not being with her mother and has abandonment issues regarding his children, but it is time to cut the cord. It sounds like his daughter is taking advantage of him. If she is 21, there is no need for childsupport. I believe it is somehting that can be inforced if she is in college, and that is fine, but he should not be paying her cell phone bill, or to fix her broken jewelry. She is an adult. Time to act like it.

If your husband gets mad at you for pointing out the financial burdon he is placing on himself and your family (which he probably will) so what. At least hten you have said your piece, and it may actually get through to him.

As far as you working, maybe you could see about doing somehting y ou can work from home with, like real estate. Or else, maybe you could get a part time job on his days off, or try to baby sit in order to help supliment your income a little bit. Then you would feel like you are helping, and you can point out that you are doing what you can to help support the family. This may give a little more weight to your arguement about his daughter sucking $330 every month away from your family. That is $3,960 a year that could be going toward bills, savings, or college for your smaller child. Perhaps your husband needs some help seeing that.

Hope this helps, and good luck
Liz

I would sit down and make a list of ALL expenses. I would talk to him about how you wish he didnt have to work so hard, and/or so much. Maybe if he sees on paper how much money he gives his daughter, he will cut back a bit.
He probably gives her money out of guilt more than anything...If his daughter is bitter about him divorcing her mother, and 'breaking up the family,' perhaps by giving her the money he feels better about making her happy.
I dont agree with having to support a 21 year old. And why does he pay child support?? Doesnt that stop when the child turns 18? When I turned 18, I moved out on my own, and never received a penny from my parents. He is doing her an injustice by giving her all that money.
Maybe you could suggest him paying 1/2 the phone bill for awhile. And then eventually letting his daughter pay the entire thing. I totally agree with you, that the support has to stop.

Just my two cents, actually if the 21 year old is in college he is obligated to pay for 1/2 of college expenses and some parents agree to just continuing to pay child support to meet the requirement.
Also you can never force yourself in someone else's lives if you are not wanted and do not try to make their father make them accept you. Relationships with a new person takes time regardless of the situation around them. You can try to be friendly on your part and if they dont except you try not to take it to heart. From what you stated it appears that he may have been married when you two go together (happy or not, it does not matter) so you need to understand why his daughter's wont accept you right away. Also like one poster said you knew before you two married he had children and just because he has a family with you does not mean he does not have to continue to support his other children from a previous marriage or relationships.
Sorry this is so long however my parent also seperated when I was 12. My mom remarried someone with children and my dad marriage the woman he cheated with. My mom forced me to accept her husband and put him first. They wanted us to be a happy family and never thought of any problems as children might have with the new arrangements and it damanaged my relationship with my mother to this day and I also resent her husband to this day. On the other hand my dad did not force me to accept his wife and although I don't have a best friends relationship with her it is also not a strained one. They had a son and i fully accept him as my little brother. So with all that I am try to say things take time and give his kids a much time as they need, it would be a bad idea to tell you husband his must insist you are invited to their events such as their graduations etc.. to them you are not of importance and you must remember and understand that. I am sorry if I sound harsh but when you have a blended family it is not just about you, your children, and your husband, it is about his too like it or not.
Oh IMO 330 a month for a 21 year old does not seem like a lot, he is not fully supporting her with that amount.

Hi G.,
I grew up like this so i think I can give you some advice. It's not your husbands fault, his ex wife is very demanding. But I do believe now that his daughter has graduated from collage she can now support herself. That was the arrangment my folks had for me. When I turned 21 I had to support myself.
This is the way the child support agreement was set up. for me so i'm assuming that's how his kids were set up.

N.

Others have had a lot of good advice and ideas but I am also looking at this from the daughter's perspective. She loves her father and if he was cheating on her mother with you, she can't possibly take it out on him (even though she probably should) because she loves him and doesn't want to hate him for hurting her mother so she takes it out on you as being the "homewrecker". She may also be looking at it through her mom's eyes as well. Her mom might've been cheated on with her ex's new wife. She may have told her not to invite you because she would feel uncomfortable.

My husband, Dan's parents have been divorced for over 20 years and were divorced 5 years before his stepmom even came into the picture. We've been married for 6 1/2 years and every large event has been the same, starting with our marriage. Dan's mom didn't want them at the wedding. I kindly told her that he is his father and Dan has chosen to have a relationship with him. I acknowledged the hurt she must've felt when he left her alone, with no warning, with no job and 2 small children and how difficult this must've been or her. I also told her that there's no reason Dan has to choose between his mother and father since he loves them both and that wouldn't be fair to ask him to do that. So they were both invited and seated at opposite ends of the hall. They were cordial and even greeted each other at one point.

Then came our first baby five years later. Dan's mom didn't want his stepmom's sister in law (don't ask--no idea why this happened, maybe because she knew I wouldn't accept his stepmother not being invited). I kindly told her that I have a relationship with her and would like her there. Let me remind you that they have been divorced over 20 years and he did not leave her for this woman. Now imagine your own situation and what her mom may be telling her daughter or simply how the daughter feels. A daughter doesn't want to see her father leave her mother and break up the household and it's even more painful if it happened while they were still married.

Give it some time. Maybe it will never be and maybe one day you'll get your answer. Don't try to take it too much to heart and don't try to force relationships. Good luck!

Now that she is 21 and out of college he does NOT have to pay child support any more. In some states child support stops at 18. You don't even have to pay through college. I am a step mom and we have looked into information on this. In NJ you only have to pay until 18 even if they are still in high school. Since my step son is going to be 10 and we have 2 daughters together we had wanted to know how many colleges we would have to pay for. As for an allowance and her cell phone bill I personally don't think he should pay. She is 21. Get a job and pay for it herself. Now my parents aren't divorced but when I turned 18 I was on my own. I had to pay my own bills and for anything else I wanted. You should keep track of how much money he gives her a month and show him how much he gives her. Also as for not being invited I agree with all the other moms that answered. It really depends on when you came in the picture before or after the divorce. If it was after then I would tell your husband that he should have you invited. You are part of the family after all. I hope this helps.

Good luck
Jenn

hi, i can't really say anything about not being invited to the graduation. 1st, if they didn't invite you, it means that his daughter doesn't want you there (as you said, she thinks you're a "home wrecker"!) why would you want to be around people who don't want you there. 2nd, it most likely would be very uncomfortable to be around his ex wife and her family (which i would assume would be there). just don't let it get to you, think about it as, "hey, that's one less moment you have to play nice with people you just don't get along with", even if it's on their part that you're not getting along.
as for the support. from what i know about the law and child support....a parent that pays support is required to pay until the child is 18 OR out of school! (unless of course there's some other circumstances like a disabled child that will probably always be taken care of and living at home...in that case, i have no clue on the laws). since she is not only 21, but also JUST graduated...the support should be DONE WITH! as for him paying her cell bill, and giving an allowance (i always thought that an allowance should be given to a child when they do something to EARN that money, not just handing the money out, that's the way you raise children to not know the value of a dollar, and to have them not want to work, or support themselves because they can just go to daddy or mommy for money...just wrong on his part if he's just GIVING her that money!) handing her money is definitely HIS CHOICE! whether or not it's the right decision, or the right reasons for giving her the money, that's his decision, he's working for it, he can just hand it over. BUT i just have to make one suggestion, whether it starts a fight or not, the next time he complains about how he has to work so much and see so little...make it a point to say something about him giving her the money, and paying her cell bill. tell him something like "you work hard and see nothing for all the work, just look at your daughter while she's talking on her cell...YOU paid for that...happy now???" or how she can go here, or there, and do what she wants because he hands her money...it MAY start a fight, but it's the truth. like another person said, you should write down all the money he gives her and the reason he gave it to her (pay a bill, buy something, go somewhere, etc.) and then show it to him. maybe he'll realize how much money he could save if he didn't just give her this money. MAYBE he'll even tell her to get a job now that she's graduated and out of school, and have her start supporting herself. BUT you have to realize that if he stops giving her money and paying for things, that it will most likely get back to her (and her mother as well) that YOU were the one that got her father to stop paying money, and i'm sure it's safe to say that any negative feelings she has for you WON'T get any better, they will just get worse! most likely you will no longer be disliked by her, and will then be just HATED.
just to make one thing clear, i am in no way saying that you are wrong, i actually think that you are right about the money thing (especially since she's 21 and out of school) but you have to realize that if she feels you are a home wrecker, she's holding YOU accountable for her parents not being together whether you were with him when things were over, but not finished with his ex, or you waited until the divorce was final...either way, she blames you, and you can't change how she feels, you can only attempt to bridge that gap you have. try to invite her for lunch, or dinner, a movie, anything...but if she refuses to try to work it out, then let her be bitter. just try, and if it doesn't work, don't push it. she will feel how she wants, and maybe sometime down the line she will lighten up (just don't hold your breathe...people can be stubborn!). good luck.

First and foremost his children were there before you and what he give them needs to be between him and them. If you were not invited because you were the reason for his divorce first ask your self if it's true. If it is and you were having an affair with a married man, well, I just won't even go there.

On the other hand if you did not date him until he was no longer with his wife then that's different, you should insist he invite you as you are also part of his family. Also, you and your husband should talk to them together. Their mother may have twisted things. I agree with your husband about you working. With the things that happen in daycare today it's not worth risking your daughter. Once she's able to communicate and is not in diapers it changes. My parents were divorced when I was ten months old due to my father's affair. I believe in charma. My father claimed to be working many late nights also. His wife deserved what ever she got. They may not want to have anything to do with their half brother & sister. My husband has a half sister that his mother had at 40. It makes me sick that my daughter who was born to my husband and I after being married and doing everything we could to make sure she'd have what she needed that she has an "aunt" who's 8 years old, weighs 175 pounds, and is just another drain of my tax dollars. I refuse to allow her to refer to her as "aunt". I also limit the amount of time my husband visits.

Your profile doesn't say if both children are his. If you have a child from a previous relationship, then they really owe that child nothing. If his daughter's still in school he may have to legally pay child support regardless of the situation. He should also be paying for his children's college & his daughter's wedding. His children were his first commitment. Would you want anything less for your children?

You can either learn to accept his children and make an effort to create a relationship with them or you can fight an uphill battle. I'm happy to say that since the birth of my daughter my father's wife and I have become close. I even give her full grand parent rights, that's more then I allow my husband's mother. He will resent you attempting to deny his children of what ever he wants to give them. A better approach is to offer to write the checks yourself and send along a lunch invitation.

You can't change his relationship with his children and if you think about it; what would you think about him deep inside if you could? That would mean if things don't work out that his next wife could push your children out also. There's even bigger issues, like life insurance beneficiaries and estates. Personally I would take out a life insurance policy on him separate from any pre-existing and have you listed as the owner. That way if anything happens your children will still be provided for. As his wife you have what's called and "insurable interest" in him. All he has to do is sign. Most companies will send someone to the house to take blood, urine, and weight if the policy is above $200,000. You can get term insurance relatively cheap as long as he doesn't smoke & hasn't been diagnosed with anything terminal.

Please think of his children as you would want yours thought of.
Kim

I do understand that it must be annoying to you, but unfortunatly I must say that you knew that he had children when you married him (or didn't you?), and they will be his children forever. He will always have obligations towards them. Some day they will have children themselves and he will have grandchildren and he will be spending money on them too. Sorry. I would rather say it's a good thing about him. Try to appreciate that he is trying to be a responsible father. Think of how you would want him to behave, if it were your children on the other side....