How to Tell Your 4Yr Old Granddaughter That Her Mommy Is Not Coming Back..?

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm always horrified to hear about young people dying and leaving young children. Quite honestly the 4 year old is going to need counseling. The best thing they can do is not hide her from the funeral proceedings and then arrange counseling as soon as possible. At her age it's going to take awhile to sink in and there will be times she'll seem incredibly resilient and times there may be behavior issues that don't seem related but are.

OMG - those poor babies!! I cannot even imagine how hard it is or will be for them. I am so relieved they have a proactive Grandma who is willing to be there for them, I hope the Father reconnects with his children and they can all work together to be there for the babies.

I am so terribly sorry for your friends horrible loss...and I Will certainly be lifting her up in prayer...for strength, wisdom, discernment and an extra measure of Gods' love and grace.
I will also be praying for you as you attempt to be the source of support and love that your friend needs so desperately at this time.

Oh, Grandma T., so sorry to hear about your friend and all involved. You are all in my prayers.
I don't have any advice but can offer my condolences and prayers!

I will pray for her. I'm very sorry.

i am so very sorry for your friends loss. The only thing I can think of to do is to offer to help her with the children while she does what she needs to for her daughters funeral. Bring food over. she will need it. even if all it is at this point is a pound of ham and cheese and bread for sandwiches. bring milk and fruit. stuff she can just pull out for the babies without having to actually cook. life is so very short. your a good friend for thinking of her.

Prayers sent. That's horrible.

My cousin was only 3 when my uncle died in a crash. They told him that Daddy went to Heaven. There was a point where he tried to call and would hand my aunt the phone and ask to talk to Daddy. It was heartbreaking. I suggest that the grandmother consider grief counseling for the family, even for short term. Help with whatever transitions are needed during this very emotional time. It may be good that she has something to fight for right now to get her through the initial days of shock.

(My MIL knew my DH was in an accident when he was 20. She heard it on the scanner and said it was him...obviously he survived, but he was really badly hurt...she just KNEW.)

Your always soooo helpful on this site! You seem like a wonderful person and I think you will naturally know what to do. I am so sorry for the loss and will pray for all involved.

Oh this is just so tragic and sad. Their lives will never be the same.
I will be sending them strength and healing hearts.

Our daughter had a friend in preschool and this exact same thing happened to his young mom. She had been a teenage mom at 16 and was finally getting on her own feet at 20 and was killed in a terrible traffic accident. The little boy was very used to being with his grandparents, they did not dance around telling him his mother had died in an accident. They reassured him that he was going to now live with them all of the time.

Since your friend is not quite sure about her getting custody, she may want to say, I will always love you and we will never forget your mom.

The hard part is that your friend has lost her own child and normally she would need to take care of herself emotionally. Now she has to shift her strength and focus to these babies.

When you feel it is time, send her a note with a list of everything you are willing to help with. Be specific. Meals on certain days. Laundry, housekeeping.. what days.. Grocery shopping.. what days..

Even better you could start a community of helpers based on all of the people that will want to help.

Here is a FREE website that helps organize this,.
http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/

Wow.
a Mom's intuition... is very powerful. Indeed.

It will take a village.... and things will fall into place... per her petitioning for the Grandkids... if that is to be.

Help her if you can... so many things going on.
Grief, needing to think logically and rationally per her Grandkids.... their lives, her own feelings of loss, sifting through so many issues.
The main thing being, the well being of the Grandkids.
Whoa.

How is their Dad? A good man or a jerk?

Hopefully, the girls will be with those that provide the best "parenting" and caring and normalcy.
I don't know anything about petitioning for kids and keeping them.
I am sure, they will try to place the kids with the Biological Dad???

HUGS and prayers for your friend....

I am sure, the children will benefit from Grief Counseling.
Watch for any changing behavior/issues/depression etc.
But you know that.
But no matter what, even a child needs to be 'able' and 'allowed' to express themselves, about their feelings.
Its part of the "grief" process....

I don't know how... to explain it to them. Especially the 4 year old. They are cognizant of those things, already. The young baby, well he/she won't remember her.

Oh gosh... what a difficult thing.
maybe, she can make a scrapbook for the Grandkids. Of their family photos etc.
Get suggestions from a Grief Counselor. People specialize in that.

I am at a loss for words... just rambling here.
But all the best to her.

Prayers and healing thoughts are one the way from my small corner of the world...
Michele/cat

Your friend and those children are in my prayers, I can't even imagine what she is going through.
As for helping your friend get through this, maybe do what you can to help with the children. I don't know if they were living with her before the accident, but if not, bring by clothes, formula, food...just "one less thing" she would have to think about. Also, maybe do some research for her on getting custody, even if its just a list of phone numbers of lawyers, etc. That would help her too. I bet she is in a daze right now and doesn't know how or where to begin.

My heart goes out to your friend and her family, as well as you.

I truly hope that this death will have some positive affect - like the father coming back into the children's lives. MAYBE they will be able to put the past behind them and work together at raising the children.

As to what to tell the 4 year old? Tell her the truth. Do NOT lie to her.

If they are a religious family - or have any belief in God - tell her God called Mommy home today - she is now an angel in heaven and will ALWAYS be with her - just not physically. I know for the grieving parent - it's kinda hard to believe that God would take a mother away from her children - however, God has a reason for this - maybe to bring the father and grandmother together to raise the children - I don't know. But DO NOT tell the child that mommy went on a trip, don't tell child that mommy got sick and won't be home soon. That's NOT fair to the child.

Tell her that mommy loved her more than anything on this earth and continues to love her. She will see her mommy in her dreams. At least these are MY beliefs and God has a reason. God called her home for a reason....God does NOT give us more than we can handle - even though there are times when it feels like the weight of the world in on your shoulders. Please trust in God.

UPDATE: WOW! POWERFUL!

I am so sorry GT hugs and prayers to you all! I'm at a lost for words so I can imagine how you feel. Hugs and prayers I am so sorry!

Oh no, Grandma T! This is awful! I WILL pray, and....well, I'm just thinking about you and your friend.

With regards to your question, I guess you follow the standard procedure. God took Mommy to be one of his Angels? Grandma will love you and protect you and take care of you now until you can see Mommy again?

Sending the most positive vibes!

this is ... so sad. on so many levels.

i feel like i should go and kiss my sleeping children right now.
you're a good friend. God bless you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend during this time. Please continue to let her know that you're there for her (as I'm sure you will.)

*HUGS*

Oh my. I'm praying for your friend and her family and you as her friend. I cannot imagine the anguish she will go through as things settle down and she accomplishes her "mission" to care for her grandchildren.
I also cannot imagine having to explain to a 4 year old (my DD is almost 4) that her mommy isn't coming home. I would imagine it would depend on what you believe. I'd probably tell her that her mommy got hurt very badly in an accident and that God brought her to be with him so she didn't hurt anymore and that she's an angel in Heaven helping God and watching over her. Maybe have her pray and also "talk" to her mom on a regular basis. (I do believe she can hear her).
How heartbreaking. The truth is, is can happen to any of us on any day...we need to take from this that every day is truly a gift.

I am so sorry and I will definitely pray for her and her grandchildren!

So sorry. This is every mothers worst night-mare. My own 20 year old makes me so scared when she takes too many chances, stays out late, drives on icy roads etc. My grandson lives with us. I can only imagine having to do what she's doing. I will definitely pray for her.

Oh no! How horrible! I'm so sorry for you, your friend and the families.

Here's a good book about death for kids: Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie
Not sure their religious beliefs, but this book is kind of "neutral" and talks about all living things lives having a beginning, middle and end.
My son wasn't quite 3 when he lost his Pap, whom he was VERY close to, and it helped.
Sending ((hugs)).

What a very tragic story - so sorry for your friend's loss. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.

So sorry to hear this. I will pray for the famiy. Here is a link to some great books for children on death. They are called elf-help books. This might be something to buy for her children. I bought some for a friends daughter when her husband passed away with cancer. God Bless.

http://www.onecaringplace.com/category.asp_Q_c_E_40005

So very heartbreaking, and tragic! :*(
Please know that I WILL be praying for your friend, and her family.
Thank you for sharing that beautiful poem.
I believe every word.

I feel deeply for your friend and her grandchildren. I pray she finds strength and solace. The thought of loosing a child is terrifying and tragic.

Once things have settled a bit, you might suggest she attends kinship care meetings. I cannot tell you how helpful it is to talk with other folks who are raising their grandchildren/niece/nephew. These folks have a lot of wisdom about the legal system, coping strategies for loss of our family member, insight about raising happy, healthy, confident children, who have also experienced trauma/transition/loss.

I am glad your friend has you and the rest of her family around her. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.

Absolutely she is in my prayers!

Yes the intuition is a powerful thing. I once got in my truck and drove down the freeway to see a car driving down the wrong side. A large truck quickly dodged the vehicle, leaving a small vehicle in the headlights. I pulled over and prayed they make it and the did. Low and behold, the little vehicle was my daughter. She called me and begged me to come home, she didn't have to say anything, I told her I saw the whole thing. She asked where I was going and I told her I wanted a soda and needed some cash. There was soda in the cupboard and cash in my wallet. It was like I went down the street specifically to look over her.

Initially, I thought the daughter just turned her back, but this is horrible! I guess the only thing for her to do is be honest. The little one will figure that out with all the conversation. My heart goes out to all of them. You are right, she will need you when everyone returns home. At least they were with their Grandmother and not placed in foster.

I am EXTREMELY sorry for your friend and her grandchildren. I cannot imagine how to tell the four year old in terms that she will understand. As for what you can do, like you said, for now she is surrounded by family and friends, but that will die down. After the initial shock has worn off and others go back to their lives, she will need you. Think about it, all of her friends are probably done raising children so she will need a friend who will be willing to do places with her and the children. She is taking a step back in life and becoming a full time parent again, which will be a huge change for her so just stick by her and continue to be her friend and befriend her grandchildren. Don't abandon her because she has kids now.

I just wrote you but pushed the wrong button and lost my response. Be there for her in 3 to 6 weeks after everything gets quiet and no one is around. This will be the time that she needs someone to lean on.

As to how she knew there is a bond created at conception. I couldn't understand why I woke up from a dead sound sleep and sat straight up in a bed at about 3am it was the time that my dad died. So there is something to that intution thing.

You have my deepest sympathies for you and your friend. Just being there when no one is is comforting (been there, done that, had that done).

You go girl be brave, take care of yourself during all of this.

As to telling the daughter that mommy is not coming back use words that the child can understand in her age range nothing big just small. My thoughts are with you.

The other S.

Grandma, I've been gone for a few weeks or so and I am just so sad to return to learn this heartbreaking news that has come into your life. You already have so much on your plate, and now this disaster.

I am sending you strength and endurance, patience and wisdom, peace and understanding when there is none in a situation like this.

God bless you and keep you safe my friend. You have already given such powerful and helpful advice below....not much I can add to it. Just know we are here believing in you.

One more thought, perhaps a local bank or charity can set up a survivor fund for the innocent children left behind.

I'm a little late with my answer, but hope it can help. Be Honest, please do not say mom is just gone for a while....4yr olds are smarter than you can ever imagine. My father passed away almost 2yrs ago unexpectly. Although he lived 4 hours away, he called my daughter every other day and we see him at least 1 every month and a half. My daughter was 4 at the time as well, we told her he went to heaven and would always be looking down watching over her. Please tell your friend to talk to her granddauther often as she will have pain inside that she just can't explain. Please do not act as ever the daughter never existed, it will help the 4yr old more, to hear people talking about missing her as well. hth

Just read this and am praying now for your friend, her grandchildren and for you as you reach out to her. Also praying for the father of the children, that he will be comforted and willing to do whatever is in the best interest of his children in this situation.
As for advice, I truly think the best thing you can do for your friend is to be there for her, and a willing listener.
She may need help with childcare as she deals with all of the many aspects of the funeral and burial as well as whatever dealings she has in the custody of the grandbabies. This is another area where you might be able to help her out.

Oh, dear... I don't know what to say. Prayers coming your way.

I am so sorry for your friend's loss. So tragic. She as well as her grandchildren will be in my prayers.

Wow--my prayers go out to all of you. I cannot imagine such a terrible loss.

I was just talking with a friend on the phone earlier today--the first time since she lost her grandmother. I asked her how her young boys were handling it. The older boy understands enough too really feel the loss and to understand that he's never going to see his great-grandmother again. He's very sad, of course. So what my friend does with him is helps him to write a letter to her and then they tie it to a balloon and 'send it to heaven' by releasing it--watching it until is floats out of sight. She secretly makes a copy of everything before they launch it. So this doesn't answer any immediate question of how to tell her, but this may be a comforting thing for the girl to do in the future (letters, artwork, etc.). Wishing each of you peace.

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Grandma T- I'm very sorry to hear this news :-( Your a Strong woman and know you'll just know how to help you friend however you can. Such a sad and tragic loss for your friend, and you. My prayers are going to ALL of you!
That poem is amazing, I'm sitting at my desk, silently crying. Again, I'm very sorry for the loss of such a young woman, mother, daughter, friend..... xoxoxo

Gma T,
So sorry....I am praying for your friend and family. Take Care <3

M