How to Tell Him

Send those letters to his father. The father need to know what his actions has done to his son and he needs to be responsible by getting in touch with his son and staying in touch with his son. He need to get with the program and take care of his son's emotional needs.

My dad left when I was 9.
As a child having been in simular situation and now that I'm a grown adult. I wish those leters I wrote had been sent. The anger and disappointment that came out later in life and the amount of things my dad wished he had known about as they happening exploded into quite an awkward time and have since really made the relationship we have now strained.

You need to send them, it's vital to their relationship. If things are worked out now, and as they come, it will make for a stronger bond sooner then later, if at all!

I have a 2 1/2 yr old, whose father has never been a part of his life. I know he will probably come and go. He has come in a couple times, but not for long, and now it has been almost a year and a half... and I am hoping that if he won't be in his life for good, he just stays away. Your son is better off not having him there, than having him come and make promises and get him excited, and then just hurt him. I have a couple friends who went through that, and I think that is worse than them not being there at all. Though he has had no contact with me at all, I send pictures every couple months to either him or his mom, and I write a letter telling them about things he has learned, and things we have done. I never get a response, but I want him to know what he is missing out on, and hopefully realize what a loser he is for not being there to see it. He won't realize that for years, I know that, but someday at least I can say I did my part. When Connor gets older, if he ever writes any letters, I will send them. I think he should know what his son thinks of him for his actions. He should know what he is doing to his child, and have to live with the guilt, if your child has to live with the pain he is causing. If my son ever wants to call him, I don't know the number, but I will find a phone number of someone in his family, and let him call and try to find him. I will never say anything bad about him, I will let him handle finding his dad and dealing with that part on his own. If he wants contact, I will let him try. If he doesn't, I won't force it. But I would definitely send the letters. Your ex is probably living his own life now not even thinking about what it is doing to that little boy, and he should know. If he is going to harm a child and make him suffer like that, he should know what he is doing to him. Maybe he won't respond, maybe he will start calling him again and realize what he did wrong... whatever happens, him and your son have to deal with their relationship together, and he will have a lot of explaining to do if he does call. Good luck, and I hope it turns out ok! I know it is a hard situation to be in, my son is not old enough yet to even realize what is missing from his life... and I am not in a hurry to get to that point either. If you need anyone to talk to, I am here. Our sons may be different ages, but we both have the same situation with the fathers.

I am going through the same thing with my daughter. He father and I were enganged to be married but when the engagement was called off he made himself non existant in her life. While she is not as old as your son(she is 6) I do have my daughter in therapy(for other reasons as well)and they have been disussing the issue of her father. It has helped her alot in understanding that her birth father not ebing around has nothing to do with her. It also helps that I am now married to a wonderful man whom loves my dd as if she were his own and she calls him dad and as far as he is concerned she is his daughter.

Hi J., I am sorry for your son's loss. I am a mother of 3 boys (ages 8, 7, &5)their father dissappeared 3 yrs ago. at first it was very tough for them and it caused problems with their academics. The 1st year they cried quite a bit for daddy after their father not calling or coming to see them for 1.5 yrs. I told them that our father is God and he promises to never ever leave us and the father we are given on earth is only a temporary, I told them that I believed his time with us was done and he had to move on to a new family (as they may find out someday he re-married). I make it a point to tell my boys that they are never to hate their father as we do not know his situation or reasons for leaving and some day they may see him again and they will be able to ask him and maybe become friends should they choose. It is never easy to explain to a child why mom or dad is gone- all we can do is try to help them ease the pain and TRY make this ugly picture as pretty as possible. Speak to your church Pastor. My Pastor was a great blessing when it came to talking and praying with my boys. It has been 3 yrs now and my boys are very happy and healthy Thanks be to God! I will pray for you and your son...
PS. Do not send the hate mail...
Love mail convicts the heart of the one that hurts you...

My daughter is going through something really similar with her Dad. My daughter says negative things as well and on several occasions her dad has accused ME of putting these things in her head which I didn't do. Kids are smart and feel guilty even when they did nothing. I have decided that sending letters and letting my daughter express herself won't make a difference if the dad is jerk enough to ignore his child a letter won't make any difference so we dont' send letters. It's sad but WE have no control of making them want their kids or wanting a relationship with them. Your son and you aren't alone. It breaks my heart to watch my daughter and not beable to do anything. I think it's especially hard when they know they're dad's from birth and then as kids they walk out on them after they have bonded and formed a attachment. Just concentrate on your son and taking his mind off of things. Be the best mom you can be that's all you can do.

I'm sorry he has to go through this. I'd be so upset. Couseling may help your boy at this point. If you are to send the letters hopefully his Dad will be supportive after reading that your son hates him or he may pull farther away. I'm not sure. If you send them maybe put your own note in there saying how your son misses him and wants him to call. Explain that your son has been expressing his feelings and although you know he does love him he did say some harsh words in the letters but thought that he should read them. Maybe put a blurb about not holding your sons words against your son and that he needs to contact him on a regular basis. It may just be best to not send the letters and just tell your X some parts of it. Sorry I can't offer more advice.

Your son is just expressing himself in the moment but I think he loves his Dad very much but doesn't agree with what he's doing and it's coming out harsh in the letters. Maybe explain that your son is having a hard time and is expressing himself in a harsh way towards him and that you need his help or your son needs his help. He wants to see him.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, however, I would send him the letters. If your son is writing how this is all making him feel then his father should read it and hear him out. Maybe it would cause his dad to start re-thinking some of his actions. By doing so you are helping your son cope. For 10 yrs old I think he's coping the right way by writing. So just be there for him and let him know you're there for him. You both will get through this. It's a shame his father doesn't want to play part in his childs life.

J.

I would not be able to give you advice on sending the letters or not. My father left when I was 9 months old. It took 26 years and the death of my grandmother (his mom).The advice I can give you is to help him realize it's not his fault his father left. I carried that for years because I thought he left because of me, come to find out my siblings felt the same way. I also encourage you to not bad mouth him. My mother never said a bad thing about him. I realized on my own what a jerk he was based on the facts and his actions or lack of them. One thing that keeps coming up with these responces is to involve him with a male role model. That is very important. Also don't try to fill his dads shoes, it's hard enough being a mom and bottom line is you are not the dad. Also help him to realize that he has no control over the actions of other people but he can control his own actions. He can chose to be there for his kids when he has them. I will say being father less made me a better parent because I decided the cycle stops with me and my children will never not have me. Good luck, also please feel free to contact me when you need to talk or even vent.

J.,

I have a son who is 7 years old and I was divorced from his dad when he was not even 1 years old. I have remarried a few years later and my son thinks he is his dad. Knowing that the last names are different and he would sooner or later ask why that i sat down with him before he turned 7 and explained about his real dad. Me and my husband even asked if he wanted to meet his real dad and he said no. We asked him why and he just said because he does not want too and still calls my husband dad. I do see you situation is a bit different. In my eyes I would send his dad those letters. There is no excuse for his dad just to stop calling. If he could not call as much due to the move further away he should explain that to his son so his son does not think his dad hates him. Hopefully by you sending those letters his dad will call and explain his situation and if he doesn't call then maybe he really don't want anything to do with his son which would be really sad. I hope everything turns out ok.

H.

Hi Jolen,
It's happened to my kids too. Now 2 of them are older and have based their own opinions of their father. It still hurts though......I don't think the pain ever goes away.
How about a grandfather, uncle who may be able to do some "guy" things with. Or try BIG BROTHERS....my experience with that is that there is a long waiting period....
My youngest son is 15, great kid....maybe he could be his "big brother" for him???? My son would probably enjoy that too, knowing what your son is going through.

PS: My daughter sent a letter to her father......and he thought I wrote it.....probably because she spoke from the heart.....and he didn;t want to here it. Nevertheless, it didn't work. It sounds as though he has removed himself from all responsiblities as a parent. Dirty rotten......

Just keep close to him.....your son will grow to be a better man someday.

Good luck
S.

I would send him the letters, He just might listen to his son. It is sad, but if he doesn't respond, or responds in a negative way then you can start the healing process now, while he is still young. He needs to know what his absence is doing to his son. I am very sorry he is doing this, and I hope the letters will slap him upside the head and make him wake up. Good Luck

Oh J., I am so sorry! Honestly, I would send the letters. Maybe seeing his son's feelings on paper will jar this piece of work's conscience. But, before you send them, make sure your son really wants you to. You don't want him regreting saying that, then feeling like it was his words that made his dad go away. After that, all you can do is assure him of your love and that he is a good person. Maybe take him to do some charity work, help others, which should give him a good feeling about himself. Is he good at any sports? Make sure he can participate in them as much as possible.

If you are religious, finding a great kids group at church will help and telling him that God love him as he is and he is perfect in God's eyes. There is a good book out as well by Joyce Meyer at joycemeyer.org called Battlefield of the Mind for Kids and one for teens.

Good luck! *hugs*

Do you know where his father is? I just ask because you say you don't know if you should send the letters to him. I think that if you do know where he lives you should send the letters to him. How far away does he live? Your son is going to grow up hating his father for this, and there won't be anything you can do about it. I would just tell your son that his dad does love him, but he's just going through some things right now, and you don't know why. Show him as much love as you can. But I wouldn't make excuses for his dad, because sooner or later he's going to make his own decision about how he feels about his dad. If you've asked him to be part of his son's life, and he won't--has he given you a reason as to why not? I mean it sounds like you still have contact with him. Does your son know that you still have contact with his dad? Maybe you should take your son to where he is, and let him explain why he hasn't been coming around. Good luck.

Oh man that is not ok, grrrr! What is it that these men think they can pop in and outta of thier kids life whenever! So sorry, I am a twice over single mom, who recently found a GOOD guy. I do understand where you are comming from. I guess try to understand your son's anger, he has every right to have those feelings, and writing letters are very good to help him get out his emotions. I would be sending them, the Dad should see what his choices are doing to his son. I think counseling would be helpful, maybe for both of you, I know how hard it is to become a single mom. Is there a Big Brother or Boy Scouts in your area to help him still get that male role model in his life? I always depended on my guy friends and family to spend extra time with my kids. They really need that male bonding.
Make sure your son realizes that this was his Father's choice and it had nothing to do with him, he is a great kid and its the Dad's loss! You have to becareful, as angry as you are, not to put down the Dad (even thou you have every right) to the son, it reflects upon them. I hope your little man can work though his feelings of abdonment, and hopefully his father will get his head outta his.....umm become a active father again!
Good luck and hang in there!!
-M.

I am sorry that you and your son have to go throgh this. I was pretty young when my dad left. He was around for awhile and then it was like he vanished. I wrote numerous letters to him letting him know how great my life was, even without him in it. I only sent one of them and he never responded, but just knowing that he got it and it probably/hopefully made him feel like a jerk made me feel better. Ever once and awhile I would like to send another one, but he's just not worth it.
i think it is good your son is writing his feelings down on paper, I am not sure if I would send them or not. If your son really wants you to send the letters then maybe you should. It is going to be hard for him no matter what, the only thing you can do is be there for him to help him get through. Good luck to you!

hi J., my name is J. and i got a 4 year old son.. his father hasnt seen him in almost a year now.. and before that was whenever his father decided that he needed to act like a good dad.. well i know it will come time to when he asks where his father is and so on so forth.. with the letters if my son would write them i think i would send them to his dad just so he would know how his son feels.. its the way your son feels. why hide it?? i know its a hard decison and good luck.. but i think your son has the right to voice what he feels and if its thru a letter i think you should ask him if he wants you to send it if he says yes i would make a copy of it keep a copy and send a copy to his father.. good luck

My father left when I was 2 and my brother was 6. My brother lived with him for nearly 2 years and after that had very little to do with us. My brother is now 37 and still harbors great resentment for our Dad (I do as well). I don't know if there is much you can do, just let your son know that he is loved and try and find a male relative to spend time with him. When you do find another partner for yourself be careful. My Mom's mistake was that she picked someone that she thought would give us the finacial stability that we needed and not the love. My brother and he did not get on and so my brother never had a good male role model. It's a tough situation and best of luck to you both. I don't know if your involved in a church, but you may want to consider the good influences and they might have a mentoring program for you son to get involved in.

I would recommend that he talk with a counselor or individual therapist. I think that would help him to express his feelings to someone outside of the sitation. The therapist can help him understand that it is not his fault.