How to Tell Her No Without Hurting Her Feelings?

Welcome to mamapedia, S.!!

Congratulations on your first baby!!

Okay - I think I have more questions than answers.
1. Where is your husband in all of this? WHY does he give her what she wants?

2. WHY is she at your home? Did you invite her or did she come on her own?? Or worse...did your husband invite her??

3. Why can't you tell or ask her to clean up after herself? Seriously. This is going to BLOW UP - and by "this" I mean YOU. You are nearing the end of your pregnancy and your hormones and emotions are all over the place...and it will NOT end pretty..

So, you need to "man up" - sorry - but you need to set boundaries and you need to get your husband on board. You need to ask him - how will he feel if HIS CHILD is hurt by his own mother because she's in poor health??

I'm really sorry - but if your husband gives in to his mom?? He hasn't cut his apron strings yet and this MIGHT end up being a contentious battle and one that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth and marriage.

You NEED to sit down with your husband and have a SERIOUS talk...I'd meet him during lunch one day so this discussion does NOT take place in front of his mother.

DO NOT BLAME HIM!! DO NOT ACCUSE HIM!!! Tell him HOW YOU FEEL..

John, I'm scared that our baby MIGHT be hurt if Joan falls asleep while holding him. (notice I said Joan instead of "YOUR MOTHER")..

John, I'm under a lot of pressure right now. Having Joan around is not helping me. It's stressing me out. I'd like to set up a date that she goes home so that WE can concentrate on what needs to be done before little Johnny arrives.

John, after little Johnny arrives, I will need time to recuperate. I will need time to get breast feeding down. Yes, I know it's natural and people have been doing it for millions of years - but **I** haven't. I need Joan gone within the next week so that I can clean up the house and focus on little Johnny.

DO NOT dig at his mom...do NOT bad mouth his mom. Make this about the two of you and your unborn baby. This is YOUR life...not hers. This is YOUR marriage...NOT hers...

You NEED to learn to set boundaries...ASK her to clean up after herself...tell her "Joan, I'm sorry, my belly is so big right now, it's really hard for me to pick up the (insert whatever it is) off the floor...could you do it please??" See...you are NOT accusing her...you are not stating it's HER mess...you are asking for her help....and that's what she wants to be is "helpful"....and if you ride her enough about it?? She MIGHT get it...

Keep in mind, if you are not a doctor, you cannot diagnose her. And you can't change her...

You have to help your husband cut his apron strings...he's a grown man now about to become a father. He can cut them...still love his mom...and be a man and husband!!

GOOD LUCK!!

This sounds like a boundary issue. You make boundaries. Then use I statements. Don't say anything about her. For example: we've decided that we want to be alone during this time. Thank you for offering your help. We just want to be alone, just us 2 and the baby. Then you repeat it until she understands. Do not argue with her. Do not try to take care of her physical problems. You do not need to justify your decision.

You can add that son will take her home on a specific day. Your husband than follows thru and takes her home. At the same time tell her when she can visit and for how long.

Of course she'll be hurt and probably a angry. Isn't taking care of yourself and making this a good experience for you and your husband more important than meeting her demands?

This will be difficult. I'm guessing your husband has rarely gone against his mother's wishes. Sounds like he hasn't really left her. If he can't tell his mother that he expects her to go home then I suggest that he needs counseling. I recommend that you both go.

I didn't have adequate boundaries as a young adult. Because I wasn't happy and began counseling. I was'not comfortable making boundaries at first. I was still trying to make my mom happy. I learned that each of us are responsible only for our own happiness. That does mean we are flexible enough to share life within our boundaries. Bounderis can be negotiable. I suggest that your husband's priority should be helping you be comfortable.

Both of you will be uncomfortable sending her way. You can do it if you focus on what you need. Gradually it will be easier.

She is there FOUR weeks before the baby is due?? Oh man, you are going to have to learn how to say no, NOW.

Her feelings will be hurt. There is no way around it. You have to be kind but blunt. "Mother in Law, I love you deeply, and I am so grateful for your offer, but right now I really want to try to care for my newborn by myself."

The truth is, your husband really should be the one to say something. "Mom, S. and I love you but we really want this time with baby X to be our own. We would be happy to have you come over occasionally during the day, but we are not up for permanent house guests at this point in time."

Frankly, the fact that she just assumes and has not even asked, and is happy to eat you out of house and home, makes her kind of a self-centered individual. That isn't quite as "sweet" as you think.

This won't be the last time you will need to set boundaries. It's a hard lesson to learn, but you need to do it now. You have a right to have your baby YOUR WAY, not hers.

I always wonder why I see the elephant in the room and none of the other people answering does....

Your mother in law clearly needs a caregiver herself so how the heck did she get to your house and where is this caregiver now? She was also eating before she landed on your doorstep, where is that budget now?

I don't know how she could be in denial about her issues when she must have had someone helping her get up, get around, and eat before she came to your house so talk to that person first.

You M. hurt her feelings by telling her you don't want help, but it's not your job to try to make her feel good or needed, it's your job to take care of your baby.

I would start by being firm with your husband and telling him you do not want your MIL to stay with you when the baby is born, nor to you want any unsolicited help.

The two of you can together tell her that you don't want help when the baby arrives. Honestly, many people want that time alone to bond as a family unit anyway, without the myriad of issues you have with her help too.

S., I have to agree with Julie S. I've been a caregiver to a person who was angry at their inability to do basic self-care and this is an incredible strain on everyone around. You have to realize that his mom needs assisted living care, not 'what's left' after you have the needs of the newborn taken care of. Seriously, if she doesn't have dedicated care, she could die.

You, on the other hand-- S., you can handle dealing with a newborn on your own. It's daunting, but we all get through it. You don't and you won't leave the baby with MIL, no matter what. If you take a shower, put the baby in a moses basket or carseat and take them into the bathroom with you. You never let a person who could be momentarily incapacitated care for your child. Never.

Let your husband read some of these responses. There is no reason he should not be looking for real, paid caregiver options or he's courting potential tragedy. It sounds like she is higher in needs than the average newborn because you are dealing with a grown adult who doesn't have control over their body. It's not 'turning your backs' on her, it's getting her the care she needs and doing right by everyone involved.

First, congratulations on your expected new little blessing!

Your husband may not realize what the first nights/weeks are like with a newborn and a new mom. Even with a perfectly healthy infant, and a great problem-free delivery, the baby cries, the mom is exhausted. If perhaps the baby has colic or the new mother has any postpartum issues, then the problems are compounded and you can't predict those kinds of things.

You might give your husband a trial run, a look at what it will be like with a newborn, a new mother, and an obese dependent fall-risk narcoleptic mother. Stay in bed for a day (or three) and tell your husband that you are unable to take care of yourself, let alone your mother-in-law. He'll have to cook, serve, clean, care for, and manage everything and everybody.

It might be tough love, but he might get the picture. Tell him that if she stays, he will have to hire a house cleaning service, and arrange for some kind of caregiver for his mother, in a room other than your living room. Or else, send her home lovingly and kindly and take care of his new baby and wife.

And if she falls, and cannot get up, or cannot get off the couch, call an ambulance and explain that you are pregnant and she is a visitor and needs to get to a hospital. Call a social worker at the hospital and tell them that she is not responsibly handling her own health issues and needs a caregiver or assistance.

This would be different if she were "simply" a meddling mother-in-law, in good health but perhaps too free with the advice and critical of your future parenting plans. But having a disorder such as narcolepsy, and being morbidly obese, and unable to get to her feet without assistance brings a whole new set of problems into the equation. This is a seriously ill person who is willingly inserting her medical needs into what is a crucial time in your life.

I hope you can show your husband that acquiescing to his mother and enabling her dependency and bad habits is harmful to his own family (you and him and the baby).

Is your husband going with you to doc appointments?

If not, make sure he goes with you to the next one. Call ahead and explain this to the nurse, and that you would like the doctor to explain to you and your husband what YOUR needs and the baby's needs will be postpartum. Sometimes hearing it from an outsider can help break a behavior pattern.

Once the doc has explained it to hubby, follow Marda P.'s advice.

Congrats!

If this were a stranger would you let them do this? Would you encourage them to move on to another location? Then you need to do so.

She has done nothing but eat you out of house and home. Did she come to your home thinking you would be her caregiver? If so, she is wrong. I would go with others have said about setting a time for her to go. I would also let her know when she could come to visit but it would be for x amount of time and no more. It sounds like you have to put your foot down in the sand on both your husband and MIL and mean every word. Sometimes being nice and sweet does not get the job done as people don't get the meaning.

Meet with hubby at a separate location and let him know how you feel and that she is in the way. Let him know it and blame it on hormones or whatever but get it done as soon as possible. Tell him he has to support you and the baby and then mom. Let him know he too will be sleeping on the couch if he does not join you in this boundary for the new family.

As for houseguest and the other post, she has worn out her welcome for several years to come. Has she not offered any money for any of the food that she eats at your home? If you don't do it now you will blow up and it won't be pretty and it will case a deep rift in the family. So it is better to do it now with the "hormones" as a reason than to blow in the other direction.

Feelings are going to be hurt no matter what. You are not responsible for her health or happiness. Set the boundary and move on. Have no guilt over it. Your home your rules.

Did she get evicted from her home or what? After a few days of being on a couch I would be wanting to go back to my own place. Who is supporting her financially? Someone other than your husband has to be do this and they should be helping her not you guys. Just a thought.

the other S.

PS May your delivery be speedy, safe and healthy.

PPS When my MIL moved from NJ to KS, my then SIL told my BIL that the MIL could not stay with them and that she would have to find her own place. There were issues prior to the SIL moving to KS that probably were not the best for either of them. We were military at the time moving around so she was not with us as she would have had to find her own place. The saying about two women under one roof does hold true for some women and these two fit that bill.

You might have to enlist your doctor for help.
Tell her your doctor says you need rest (get it in writing if you can) - and taking care of your MIL is not good for you or your baby.
She's going to have to go to her own home until you send for her.

My Mom was WONDERFUL.
She lived far from me but because she was inundated with visitors when she had me (I was her first born) and her Dad (who was visiting her) had a heart attack while visiting - she made it HER policy to NOT visit for 2 solid months.
She KNEW that visitors can be more work than help - she never ever wanted to do that to me!

If push comes to shove - you are going to have to hurt her feelings.
You are not (nor ever have been) responsible for her happiness or lack thereof.
Get over that right now - it's only going to get worse the longer you let that go on.

Get her off your couch and send her home asap and say you'll see her in about 3 or so months - once you've rested, recovered, and bonded (and established breastfeeding) with the baby.
The absolute LAST thing you need is taking care of your Mom right now.
Put your foot down, throw a hissy fit - blame it on the pregnancy hormones if you want to - and get her OUT - RIGHT NOW!

Additional:
Your MIL has got some major problems if she can't get herself off the couch without help.
How does she wash herself or get to a bathroom in her own home?
Also - I'm sorry but you hear about these people who weigh > 500 lbs and can't leave their homes because they can't fit through a door - and they do NOT get to that point without someone supplying them with food.
It's co-dependent behavior - and your hubby (and you) is/are helping her dig her grave with a knife and a fork.
Her sleep issues are a cause for concern for her own health - that's major trouble for cognitive and heart issues - she should never be holding your child while unsupervised.
If her weight is half as bad as you say it is - she's not likely to live to see your child start kindergarten.
She needs help herself - and ongoing therapy for her eating issues - and she's in no position to help you with your newborn.
She thinks she's going to sit there and 'help' by holding the baby while you run around doing laundry and fetching more food for her.
Um - no way in HELL would I let that happen.

You have to separate yourself from her issues.
Your job as a Mom is to mother your child - not raise your MIL.
Immediately - stop supplying her with abnormal amounts of chow - say you can't afford it - it's the truth - salads and veggies in normal amounts is what there will be to eat at your house.
If she orders delivery - refuse it at the door and don't let it in.
She can get all the delivery she wants at HER house.
If your Hubby will not get with the program - tell him he'd better have some plans in place for how he's going to bury her - extra large coffins are not cheap - because she could drop dead at any time and it might be sooner than anyone wants to think about.

I would not be able to handle that! My MIL didn't stay with us but lived close enough that she just popped in a lot when my son was born, usually right around dinner time. Every time she would "help" by holding the baby while I cooked dinner and cleaned the house, and then cleaned up after dinner. I would flat out say things like, "would you mind helping me clear the table?" I felt tired and resentful. I ended up telling her over the phone that she needed to CALL before coming over and that I needed time alone with my husband and the baby. I didn't even care if I hurt her feelings at that point because I was so tired of her coming over all the time and just needed her to stop. Our relationship is fine now but we've also moved 2 hours away so the visits are more controlled. I think it's great to have grandparents over a lot but I think they should call or wait to be invited over. Do what you need to do, I think it would be easier to let her know now that you would prefer to do it on your own in the beginning. You are going to be tired and possibly emotional when the baby arrives, let her know that she can't stay at your house beforehand- if her feelings are hurt she will recover, she has to understand!! You need to think of yourself and the baby in this situation.

It sounds like you want shut the barn door after the cow has already escaped the barn! There must be more to this story. Why is your mother -in-law sleeping on your couch instead of in her own home? Was this a plan already discussed? I would get your husband on board with how you feel and make plans for your baby's arrival. Time for Mom to go home and visit the new baby at the hospital when it arrives. The only way you Mother -in Law should be living at your house is with an INVITATION. It's not a matter of hurt feelings unless you've invited her to stay and now it seems like a bad idea? Send her home as nicely as you can and tell her she's welcome to visit when you're settled. Good luck!!!!!

OMG, she sounds like a nightmare visitor frankly. I only see her causing you more stress while you are trying to recover. She HAS to go period. Is she going to expect you to help get her off the couch right after giving birth? You are not supposed to lift anything heavier than your baby for the first few weeks. Your husband has to step up and get his mother out. A short visit here and there is fine...camping out on your couch is not. I would draw a line here...if you let this one go, you will always have problems with boundaries with her.

You have to begin things as you mean them to continue, and in your case it means putting an end to he MIL on the couch situation.

You can't worry overly much about her feelings. Be polite and choose kind words, but you have to tell you you know she wants to be helpful, but it causes you stress to have her staying in your house and you need her to go home.

You and your husband also have to work hard to get on the same page, asap, or you're going to have a miserable marriage. See a marriage counselor if you have to, but the two of you need to be able to stand united against his mom, your mom, or anyone else on the 'outside' when necessary.

When my first was born, I told everyone that I wanted no house guests, I wanted that time just for my husband, myself, and the baby. It's perfectly natural to want that time for just you and your little family for bonding, and hopefully your family/MIL would understand. My mom still tells everyone that my husband didn't want her to stay with us, when it was really me, but he didn't mind being the bad guy on it because he didn't want her staying with us any more than I did.

As my mother would say, taking care of the baby is the mom's job and Grandma gets to offer support by making meals, cleaning and caring for other children if there are any. Have your husband make it clear that her role will be helping with the "extras" and your job is to bond with baby. Of course I'd let her hold baby when you are right next to her and ready to catch. But, the real caring and bonding will be done by you. :) Congrats!

You need to talk to your DH. Who invited her? Who told her it was OK to camp out in your home (all health issues aside)? If DH won't tell her to go home, then you will need to and tell her you will call when you are ready for company. If your DH just gives her whatever, you need to remind him he is a husband and about to become a father, and he needs to put you first. Having anxiety attacks tells me you have unresolved stress and that's not good for you or the baby. If he won't talk to her, then you'll have to lay out your concerns, firmly.

I agree with others that it sounds like she needs a caregiver in her own home to make sure she's not hurt herself during a fall or an attack of narcolepsy.

I also agree that if your DH is easily cowed by people who demand things loudly (for example) he would do with a parenting class so you aren't dealing with a banshee child who screams til Dad says yes. Start with saying NO to the month-long houseguest!

Where is her son in this? You have to tell him that she needs to go home. This is not fair to you at all. She already raised her child. It's your turn to raise yours. Please just sit down with your husband and tell him all you've said here. She cannot fall asleep holding your baby. Infants die like this. It's terrible, but it's true.

I would not give in even if your husband disagrees with you. I really would not.

OMG wow. Your husband needs to handle this, pronto! I can't imagine someone thinking that it's OK to park on the couch for 4 weeks before a baby is born. Boundaries needed, now!

You are so sweet to accommodate her, but you and your husband need to be crystal-clear between yourselves about what your needs and expectations are, and he then needs to communicate those to his mother. There is really no need for her to be there now, and she will be a hindrance, not a help, when the baby arrives.

How far away does she live? I think you need to have your husband send her home, and when the baby arrives, if she lives nearby, she's welcome to visit but do not give the impression that her "help" is needed or welcome. She can play the role of doting grandma, not baby nurse.

Best of luck to you!

I think Suz and Wild Woman have some good suggestions.

I know you don't want to confront her, especially when your husband will not support you. I DO think you and your husband need to have better communication about setting boundaries when the baby comes - you absolutely have to be on the same page. Children need structure and routines, and they need parents willing to be parents. That means that sometimes you have to say "no" to people who want you to do things you disagree with, and you certainly have to say "no" to kids who want to do things that are dangerous or bad disciplinary decisions.

I don't know what your relationship has been with her up to this point. I do think you have to get her out of your house - she cannot live there for 4 weeks and then remain there with a newborn.

You start with not helping her do things. You are too uncomfortable to pick things up, too tired to stand and do excess dishes, too tired to do all the extra grocery shopping for a third mouth, and absolutely not allowed to do any heavy lifting to help another person to her feet. This doesn't have to do with her weight - you should not be lifting anyone. I think you can discuss with your doctor and have your doctor tell your husband, but it doesn't sound like your husband is willing to tell his mother. Same goes with the doctor saying that someone with narcolepsy cannot hold the baby, and that the help you need is for someone else to do the cooking and cleaning and shopping while YOU sit and hold/feed the baby in between trying to sleep.

I think leaving Mom on the couch or on the floor because you cannot help her up sends a message that she's not helping you and you are helping her, but you have to wait for her to get the message which could take weeks. You can certainly run out of food because she ate you out of house and home, and not buy her favorites, but if your husband will just cave in and go to the grocery store to buy her things no matter what the effect is on your budget, that won't work.

You can sigh and tell her that you just aren't able to help her, and you worry that she's not getting enough rest and should return to her own bed and own home. But if she says "no", what's your next step? I think you may need to be the bad guy in this - I'm so sorry. I do think there are some good suggestions about how to say you have been told you absolutely MUST rest, must be off your feet (now and when the baby comes), how even house guests you love as people are putting too much stress on your body, and how you appreciate her willingness to be around and you promise that you will invite her over when it's good for you. The days of having Grandma move in are over - common advice is for parents to bond and have a quiet house with far less commotion and extra work than in "her day".

You really cannot have your MIL in your house for 4 more weeks, let alone after the birth. Perhaps you can sit down with her and tell her what you need now, and what your doctor says, and what you will need afterwards. Ask her if she can do those things - cook, clean, pick up, go food shopping, do dishes. Remind her that holding the baby is what she did for her child, and it's what you will do for your child. Tell her you want her to be a grandma and not a maid, which is what you need now and will need later. Figure out a good time to drive her home and tell her that her son will let her know when the baby has arrived and when she can meet the baby, but that living on the couch is not working now. If it's hard to hurt her now, imagine how hard it will be when you have to tell her she can't walk around carrying the baby. If you have to draw a line in the sand now, do so.

Good luck!

You don't have to tell her you don't want her help, just tell her you really appreciate all she does, but that you really feel your new little family will need a few weeks alone to adjust right after baby comes home, and that you will be limiting all visitors (your family included) until you are healed and you and your husband have adjusted to the changes. Get your husband on board with you so you can present a unified front.

She may not have narcolepsy but sleep apena. My dad actually fell asleep sitting on his riding lawn mower. He had parked it in the shed and turned it off and fell asleep. He would just fall asleep when sitting down. After a sleep study and then getting a breathing machine he didn't fall asleep like that again. See if you can convince her to get a sleep study done.
I also suggest you start looking for a fold up roll away bed at a second hand furniture shop. She will sleep better on a roll away and not damage your couch.
If you start with the concerned daughter stance you can get her to get a check up. Tell her you both love her and want her to be around to enjoy her grandchild for many years. Use the baby as a motivation to get healthy.
Get a snuggly carrier for her to hold the baby in, like a sling or front pack. The baby will be secure and she will be holding her grandchild.

Just tell her, "Mom, I appreciate that you want to help with the baby, but honestly, with your health issues, I'm afraid that you just aren't up to it, and it would be too h*** o* you and not safe for the baby."
If her feelings get hurt, then her feelings will just have to get hurt.
Your baby's safety and your peace of mind take priority.
She will either get over it, or she won't. Whether she does or not is completely her choice.

ARe there any other siblings around to help with this discussion? This is your husband's area and I am commpletely behind you on this 100%!!!

My MIL was (still is) morbidly obese. She could barely hold her grandbabies and until they were school age kids we never left them to care for the kids. How far away does she live? Who told her she could come and stay with you? Your husabnd needs to tell her that you are sick and need to be alone. He has to pack her up and drive her home before you come home from the hospital.

Can you "come down" with some immune disorder that requires quarantine? Talk to your doctor and see if she/he is willing to give your husband instructions regarding your medical well-being.

Is your own mother alive, well, planning to come? Traditionally the mom of the baby's mother comes to stay and help out. Had my MIL planted herself on my couch a month before my delivery date I'd have lost my mind. Like yours, my MIL means well and has a good heart - she just has NO self-awareness...

Good luck mama - this is really your husband's job to take care of you and the baby - and in this instance it means to get his own mom packing.

Does she live nearby? If so, this will be much easier. You can just tell her that you want to spend some time at first bonding with the baby and will need some time to adjust and get on a schedule once the baby arrives. However, you would love for her to come and visit (and then set some specific times). For example- call her and ask her if she can come over for an hour or so while you cook/do laundry/take a shower. Just try to work out a schedule with her. Hope this helps.

Keep the baby in a bassinet or put the baby bed right next to your side of the bed, so close that you can put your hand in it while the baby is sleeping. Then breast feed the baby so no one else can take over a feeding. She won't be having the baby during the night and I'd not let her hold the baby without having a sling on in case she falls asleep. That is if you can arrange one on her so that if she falls asleep sitting up there's no chance she can fall over and squish the baby.

There are ways to manipulate this your way. Just read what I put. I kept my other mother in law from having the baby during the nights by putting that baby bed right up next to my side of the bed. Took out my night stand and it fit just fine.

Tell hubby that you will need this and that. You need to rest. MIL can do the dishes, fix meals, take out the trash, do the laundry, go buy groceries, etc....she does NOT need to sit and hold the baby while you do the work.

When it's time for dinner only fix one box of mac and cheese. When she wants more you say this is what's on our menu and it fits in our food budget. Fix one box of hamburger helper, same story. Make small salads to go with your meal and when she's hungry from lack of food you simply say this is what I have money for. I can't go buy anything else until the first, or when ever the money for groceries is spent. Do NOT buy a weeks worth of groceries at a time, they'll all be gone because she needs to be hungry so she'll want to go home to eat more food. She needs to see small meals and small amounts of money spent.

Seeing a couple hundred spent on groceries all at once tells a person you can afford groceries.