So, I am pregnant with our 4th kid. This should be a good thing, right? But, telling the grandparents is something I am not looking forward to. When we told them we were pregnant with number three, they asked us if this was our last (in a hopeful way). My husband said yes, and that he was going to get a visectamy. Well, our youngest is now almost 2, and he hasn't even scheduled his surgery yet. We weren't planning another. Thought MAYBE we would adopt in a few more years or something, but were planning on him getting the surgery. Now prego with number 4, I'm not sure how to tell the grandparents that we are having another, when I already know they wont be thrilled about it.
To answer a question about why it bothers the grandparents. With my dad, I told him right away. He loves children, and had 5 of his own (including an adopted son). I haven't told my mom (who had 3 children of her own, counting me). She will be a little bit more difficult, but probably wont say anything (thats just her nature). She never really wanted kids, and lives in another state. Sees the grandkids when she comes to visit once or twice a year. Will probably be more concerned with me spreading myself too thin (I own and operate my own business, and my husband also has his own business).
My husbands parents, do live close by and take the kids out for outings maybe once a month or so. So, they do not watch them on a regular basis. They waited a long time to have kids themselves, and are actually the same age as MY grandparents. They only had 2 kids. I think part of it may be that they know that my husband doesn't help much, and really spends very little time with the kids as it is. His father is very old fashioned and doesn't really even like the idea of me having my business, and trying to make it grow more. Every once in a while he makes comments that I shouldnt be working so much and should be taking care of the kids (mind you, I run a custom cake business, and am only in the commercial kitchen 1 day a week, and go to tastings once or twice a week for about an hour or two). Deliveries take about an hour depending on how far I have to drive, but most of those are on Saturdays. The rest of the time, I am a full time mom, but would like to expand my business to include a storefront, and employees.
Well, we now know the sex of the baby...it's another girl. But, hubby still hasn't told his parents. Starting to get a little more difficult hiding the belly though. As for even numbers of kids, I've heard that before too. But, our fourth will be more like a third in that respect. Our oldest is 12, then a 4 & 2yo. So, the 12yo is beyond the point where one of them is or would be her buddy. So, the other 3 will still be in that middle child syndrome I think. Not sure how all that will play out, but we'll see. Hopefully hubby tells his parents soon though.
Hubby finally told his parents when I was over 6 months along. Due next month now.
Next time you happen to be visiting with them tell them as you are getting ready to walk out the door (coats on, standing at the door), "Oh, we're pregnant with #4! Isn't that wonderful?! We'll see you next time!" Then walk out the door. Say it with a very happy, upbeat voice and don't give them time to be negative.
I agree very much with Momofmany . . .
You are so blessed. Whatever they think or say - oh well.
Wishing you lots of luck and happiness.
This makes me so sad. You are giving them a precious gift! You are continuing the family line, increasing the numbers of your decendants. This is supposed to be a sign of blessing. A nation is cursed when its people are baren. Yet, we seek barenness. We curse ourselves. And, we think that the curse is the blessing. It's so messed up. Enjoy your baby and your pregnancy. I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive. They have bought into the lie. It's part of the Marxist agenda, which has been at work in our country for many, many years. It's the natural fruit of the government educating the children. They don't want close and large families. There is too much power when the family is central. I know, I sound crazy. LOL Read, study, get to the root of this philosophy. It's all been fed to us in the public school system for years. And, we've bought into it. Not too long ago, in the big picture, your pregnancy would have been a great time of rejoicing by all.
We're expecting our fourth as well, which means our last three children will all be about 18 months apart from one another. My in-laws were happy for us, but also openly surprised because they knew the last pregnancy had been difficult on me. In any case, I can't relate to having issues telling the relatives. But I have only told a few people outside of our immediate family and the reactions have been... interesting. Most people think we're crazy for having four, especially so close together. People keep asking if we're going to be done. (I understand wondering, but I'm a little surprised people feel comfortable enough to ask me that question... and a little surprised at how irritated it makes me!) People act like we're a HUGE family. And a lot of moms have been super negative to me about it, telling me how I was going to want to run away, etc... It's made me uncomfortable to tell anyone, stolen some of my joy. The fact is, I love my children. They're amazing bright joyful little creations that I'm blessed to have in my life. I enjoy spending time with them, even if we're just grocery shopping. (Though even with just three and no one knowing I'm expecting, I've had people stop me and tell me that I'm "so brave" taking them to the store with me, in front of my children!)
It's a real struggle for me between Understanding people's reactions and Dealing with them. I *get* why people feel that way sometimes, often just out of lack of experience or knowledge -- sometimes their personal experiences have been less stellar than mine -- but it makes me sad, frustrated, sometimes angry. I'm trying to be gracious about it, but the more often I encounter it, the more irritated I get.
And yes, for the record, we're probably done. We haven't figured out which "permanent" procedure we're going to do -- that is a decision fraught with emotional and ethical dilemmas for my husband and I. I know being a mom is not always easy -- believe me, I know! -- but it is a choice we've made and one we've made responsibly and with openness to God's will in our lives. Our children are well provided for, well loved, and well behaved. It's not like I have three little hooligans running around and another on the way! Anyway, I guess my point -- aside from ranting sympathetically, LOL -- is that people are judgmental, and sometimes they're just far too vocal about it. :) I think we just have to develop a little thicker skin, have some stock pithy responses or some very authentic, heartfelt gracious ones at the ready for occasions like these. And try to let the "understanding" side of our hearts rule the day, instead of the irritated side. :)
Best wishes!
And it's their business, why? If you are financially responsible for your family, they're not responsible for you children's childcare and you are not living under their roof then shame on them for their attitude problem. Congratulations to you on your growing family.
As long as the burden is not being put on your parents or his, I don't see what the issue is.
Tell his parents well, we weren't planning on baby number 4 but we are being blessed for the fourth time. We are happy! (If this is indeed the last kid) Then make the plans right now for hubby to have the vasectomy. And if you feel the need to, share that info with them do that also. Whether or not they are happy, this really doesn't have anything to do with them. So just continue on living your lives....
This is NOT about your parents or your husband's parents. This is about you and your husband creating a 4th miracle together. Please do not let your parents or inlaws take this joyous time away from you! This is very simple, in my opinion. You tell your parents and your husband tells his parents. Ignore any and all negative comments. If they can't be happy for you two, then they don't have to be a part of this child's life (you tell your parents that, and your husband can tell his parents that). End of story. This is a non-issue!
I haven't read your other responses, but I feel like I am in the same position. My husband and I are trying for a third, and we know announcing our pregnancy when the time comes will be difficult because most of our family believes "two is plenty." We are planning to send flowers with a cute little note attached. That way by the time they talk to us they have dealt with their initial reactions and can a least pretend to be happy. That way I don't have to deal with looks of shock or disappointment. :) And we have been very honest about not being done yet...
People are full of it when they tell you not to care. These people are your family, and even if you really don't care what they think it hurts when you are so excited about something and they don't share your enthusiasm. Best of luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.
I think it's sad they can't be happy.... and I think it's their loss. Try to focus on you and your family and if they aren't thrilled you can't control that unfortunately, but try not to let it bother you. Do they have a "reason" it bothers them so much....?
You know the circumstance you are in already. Make a plan for YOUR family as to ways you can avoid burdening your parents or your husband's parents with helping you take care of the kids, and that way, they won't feel you are having all these babies with the potential of leaving it in their care.
If you know you can handle it without their help (which I would plan on doing), then you shouldn't care what they think. Not only that, after she sees the baby, she might change her mind!
Don't worry about what other people think even grandparents. When we told my husbands dad we were pregnant with number 3 he said can you afford it? None of your bussiness is my response to that and thanks for the congratulations. We don't ask him for money and aren't on welfare so whatever. Congrats to you and your family and dont stress about it.
My MIL made that comment when I was pregnant with my last, SO annoying. For us we are good with the 3 we have. But we had the same thing, my husband was supposed to go after #2 was born and didn't ever go, and then number 3 came. He had the surgery right after baby #3 turned 2. So he still waited a long time!! But I disliked her negative comment. Any baby is a blessing - so don't let them stress you!! I like the idea of the comment card and sonogram picture :). Also, I refused to let my husband have the surgery when I was pregnant...I just felt like it was bad luck!!
Congrats on the little one! I know it can be hard when there is not much support but you are a good mom from what I can tell and the businesses support your family so I don't see a problem with any of it. Tell them its your life and your child and while its a surprise you are happy to grow your family and hope your business is just as lucrative :) as for the husband if he is getting snipped make the appointment. Its something you guys agreed on so it should be done.
Grandparents for me are the same way. I've had number 3 and they were fine withit but again the same thing...You're done right. In my instance because of my age and 3 C-sections I really hope it is for that reason that they are concerned. If you parents are very involved with childcare for you I could see why they would ask that. Do they have a lot of work with them? Do they babysit all the time. As y ou know little kids are alot of work. If that be the case find alternative support from time to time for other babysitters to lighten the load. As long as you are able to provide for your family and be good parents than it is no one's business but yours.
Whatever the grandparents, or any other relative or friend, may think about your pregnancy is pretty much beyond your control, so try not to torture yourself about it. Trying to be "responsible" for how someone else handles the truth is not an exercise in mental health. Really, the best you can do is to tell them kindly and truthfully.
If any of them express a negative thought, you can simply agree, or sympathize: "Yes, I had that same though myself when I found out I was pregnant!" or "I can sure understand how you would think that." And if the opportunity presents itself to say more about how you handled that difficult thought, great. If not, then it probably will on some future occasion, if you keep communication open.
There's nothing wrong with agreeing with them, and it can actually increase the chances of deeper, more honest, and more heartful communication on into the future. If you act hurt, or carefully avoid/deflect some people's truthful reactions, you reduce the chance of connection in the future. Everyone, you and grandparents alike, has a right to his or her genuine emotional reactions.
Of course, following those initial reactions, thoughts and judgements can arise, and this is where communication tends to get sticky. But if you can keep from becoming defensive about the situation, you'll be better able to respond with humor and grace.
So, if I were in your position, I would just deal with the reality of the pregnancy in whatever way allows you to be positive. Nobody is in total control of their future, and those who most seem to be often miss out on a lot of joy. If you're handling life, family, work, and this new development as well as you're able, it doesn't matter much what other people think, unless you allow it to rattle you or get you down. It won't change your attitude or your efforts for the better, so let it go.
My best to you.
Sounds like the grands are not really picking slack or anything. They are doing there part so you couldn't say they are not. I wouldn't worry about them.
Are you happy about number 4. I know you might be in shock but after the baby is born you'll love it just as if it was your first.
Good luck
and hugs.
If you're feeling cheeky... schedule your husband's appointment and then give them the appointment card with a little note saying "This is the last one... we promise!"
Why are they so negative about this? Do they have childcare responsibilties for your children regularly? There must be a reason why they ar so concerned. You may want to find out (you may actually find out when you tell them) b/c it will become an issue in the future if you don't know why they are so hesitant about your growing family.
How come they don't want you to have more kids?
Congratulations on your baby-to-be!
I don't have any advice...but wanted to respond. I've enjoyed reading your responses. I know it sounds silly (or maybe not) but this is a major reason we're not going for a 3rd. (Husband would do it in a heartbeat...I just can't). My parents are very negative about any more kids. The 2 we have are their only grandkids. They see them, by their choosing about every 6 weeks or so, and only "babysat" with us away once I think (I've run errands and whatnot when we visit or they visit, or a girls night out once a year or so), so I don't think we're expecting a lot of them. It's true, when my husband was home (he's deployed now), he wasn't much help around the house or with the kids, but that is how he was raised...we'll see what happens after deployement. Just the other day I asked my folks if they'd be willing to watch our 2 kids so we can take a short vacation (less than a week) when he returns from deployment. My dad's comment..."Only if you don't come back pregnant". My mom has even said time and again, "You know it only gets harder as you and they get older!" (I'm 35) I feel like I'm being treated like a child, but maybe they do know me better than myself...who knows.
Best of luck to you!
Congratulations! That's what should be said to an expectant parent, whether it be number 1, 4, 10 or whatever. Particularly from the grandparents. Share your happy news in a happy way. If they hurt your feelings by being negative about it, share that with them, too. You don't owe anyone any explanations. Be happy!
I'm a little tardy in responding but I wanted to tell you my story. I was pregnant with only my 2nd child and I wouldn't let my husband tell his family for months. Every time the subject of another baby had come up, my in-law's were always very negative about it so I was afraid to tell them. It's our life, not theirs but I was afraid at how they would react. When I finally let my husband tell them, they were thrilled. My 2nd, was the 7th grandchild and they were as excited out him as they were the first. All my worries were for nothing. Yours may be too.
About working...I say if you want to work, you should. As mom's many of us tend to put everyone and everything ahead of ourselves (myself included). If working makes you happy, by all means work. You need to be happy and healthy to take care of your family. I personally, would not be happy being a SAHM. I love my kids to death but I need to have a life of my own outside the house.
Families are great and we love them and they love us but sometimes, they need to worry a little more about themselves and less about us. Do what makes you, your husband and kids happy. Congrats on the baby...I would have another if I was younger...and would tell the in-laws straight away. :-)
Don't tell them right away. We were in the same boat. We had two kids, one boy and one girl. Everyone thought this was perfect and we should be done right? I had a tubal ligation after #2 was 8 months old, reversed it 3 years later and had 3 more children. It seems like with each pregnancy, everyone was in our business about if this was our last and about the permanant options out there.... We just had our fifth and my hubby still hasn't scheduled the vacectomy appointment...LOL We're protecting but not in the way that makes family happy...LOL Oh well. We told them each eventually and ignored their comments. They got over it eventually and so much enjoy our precious children. =) Congratulations!! Good luck!
I have three of my own. One of my friends said that it was easier for have even numbered children. They will always have a buddy to do something with, and never will one child be left out.
After baby number 2, I was finished, went in to have my IUD, and there was my "HELLO baby" There is always one child left out, and at times I often wonder what my friend said was true. It is easier to have even numbered children.
Maybe that could be one angle to share with the parents. :-)
Congrats again.
