How to Tell Good Friend I'm Pregnant

Updated on January 20, 2011
J.C. asks from Keokuk, IA
14 answers

I just found out I'm pregnant 3 days ago and am having a hard time getting excited about it because I'm so stressed about having to tell one of my best friends. I have two children a boy and girl ages 1 and 3 and one of my best friends has been trying to get pregnant for 3 years. Her and her husband have tried everything, I feel so bad for them and she is now to the point of being really depressed about it. Which I don't blame her, but she has also said that it is hard for her to be around others who are pregnant or not have bad feelings towards them. Her and I talk everyday and it is killing me because I know that when I tell her that will probably stop at least for awhile. I would wait to tell her but her and her husband are coming to visit in a month to go out with us and she will know when we go out and I don't have a drink so I need to tell her before hand so that she has the option to not come if she feels that is what she needs to do. I just don't know the best way to tell her.

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So What Happened?

I decided last nigth to email her and now I wish I had just come out and told her. She emailed me back and said congradulations and that she was happy for me. She also said that she felt like a bad friend because I because her friends should not have to worry about things like this. Which is totally not what how I wanted her to feel. I told her I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't worry about her that is what friends do. She did say that she doesn't want to come down to visit me which makes me really sad, but I understand if it is too hard for her. I hope that with time it will get better and our friendship will be ontrack again. I just with there was something I could do to help but I know there isn't. Thanks for all the help!

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answers from Dover on

Invite her over for lunch and tell her that you know she is struggling with being able to conceive but you hope she will be happy for you because you are expecting.

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answers from Raleigh on

I think an email would be better than calling. This gives her a chance to prepare how she wants to respond, and she won't be put on the spot. Let her know you understand if she doesn't want to come for a visit- that you will not have your feelings hurt. I can relate to your friend- I went through a similar situation. I can assure you that she will eventually come around after she has a chance to digest the news.
You sound like a wonderful and thoughtful friend to care for her feelings. She is very lucky to have you!

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answers from Cleveland on

My sister in law has been trying to get pregnant for five years, and it's been really hard on her. Everyone is afraid to tell her they are pregnant too. My SIL is never mad at people for getting pregnant, she is happy that they can have that joy in their lives! But it is a little hard for her. I am sure that if she truly is a good friend, she will be happy for you too.
I do like the email idea. I would probably mention in the email why you chose to email her instead of calling though. Just a "I didn't want to put you on the spot with a phone call where you had to respond right away. You are my friend and I really care about you, so I want to give you whatever space you need, but I really want you to be a big part of my child's life" would be nice. Good luck!

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answers from Appleton on

I think email is to impersonable. I would call her and tell her 'I have some news, I hope you can be happy about this.' You could also ask her to be the baby's godmother. She needs to be able to talk about her disappointment of not being able to get pregnant but she may also have a physical need to cuddle a baby. Ask her to talk about her feelings and see if she really has this need to cuddle a baby. If she does ask her to stay with you for the first week or two after the baby is born and help with the baby. Women who can't have a baby or have a miscarriage often need to hold a baby they experience "empty arms" every fiber of their being needs to snuggle a baby and their friends thinking they are being considerate keep their babies away from them. Ask her what she needs and try to accommodate those needs.



answers from Pittsburgh on

Her feelings are normal and valid. But that does not need to diminish your joy. I had 3 miscarriages before my son and it WAS hard to see people getting pregnant so easily & even accidentally! BUT if she is your good friend, waiting will make it worse. Just say "Sue, I have some big news. We're expecting in XYZ." Let her react and tell her you were hesitant to tell her because of their situation but you wanted her to know. Acknowledge her circumstances and the 800 lb. gorilla disappears.
Have you thought about asking her & her husband to be godparents? That might be really nice-depending how close you are--which it sounds like you are!


answers from Chicago on

If she is a good friend she will be happy and excited for you ... if she is a good friend.



answers from Seattle on

I am 14 weeks pregnant & my BEST friend has been trying for YEARS & I started trying and got pregnant within 3 months & yes the little green monster was on the rise, she was happy & sad all at the same time, But she is my best friend and reguardless of the heartache she is happy & excited for me & has been a dear friend @ this point she is looking forward to the ultrasounds and baby shower that she wants to throw 4 me My heart goes out to her but she is such an amayzing person there is not much I have been able to say to comfort her But I am aware of how hard this is 4 you But try and smile & know your friend will be exactly that... your friend :)



answers from Huntsville on

I would just tell her, and tell her that you understand that this news hurts her, but you knew you shouldn't wait to let her know. Tell her you understand if she needs some time to herself to get used to this. And of course you are always there if she wants to talk.

I have been itching to have our second child for probably 3 years now (daughter is almost 5), but we aren't at a good place financially plus hubby is deployed and has always been gone a lot before that. For a while I was almost constantly seeing family, friends & old classmates on Facebook post that they were pregnant. Ahhh made me a little upset to see it over & over again. :( But, you can't avoid it forever.



answers from Duluth on

My best friend got preg accidentally--an did not want to be preg--after my husband and I had been trying for 8 months. She dreaded telling me, and basically told me she felt bad--they had this baby they didn't want (they are great parents; didn't want is a strong term) and I'd been trying for months for a much-wanted baby. It was hard to hear, but she was totally honest with me, and very understanding of any negative feelings I might have, which pretty much got rid of all my negative feelings. I would just go for the totally honest approach--I know this might be hard for you to hear, but you're one of my best friends, and I didn't want you to hear it elsewhere. It sounds like you're already aware and accepting of potential negative feelings and to me that's the hardest part--accepting that afriend may not be totally excited for you. THAT, to me, is often the part that makes pregnancy a strain on friends.



answers from Omaha on

I have to say I was in your place about a month ago. I too have a best friend who has been trying for years to get pregnant with no sucess. I couldn't figure out how to tell her. I see some people are suggesting you tell her in an email. That is how I told my friend. If I could change that I would. She was actually hurt that I told her that way. She said you're my sister! You should've called me! I felt really bad. So even though it may be a bit harder I would make a phone call if I were you. I don't really know a good way of how to tell her, or what to say, but I would definatly do a phone call vs. an email.



answers from Dallas on

I would call her and let her know that you didn't want her to hear it from someone else. Be gentle with her and let her know that you want her to set boundaries that will make her comfortable and respect the spot she's in right now.



answers from New York on

My husband and I have been trying for a while too..we just had two failed ivf attempts and I can tell you I have had a few friends and relatives get pregnant during this time and I am sincerely happy for all of them. It sometimes is hard but I would never show that. I feel happy for the people in my life that are blessed and just keep hoping it will happen for me again and my husband and I can give my daughter a sibling. Hopefully, your friend can feel happy for you too!



answers from Minneapolis on

I struggled with infertility for several years and know first hand what your friend is going through. I would strongly recommend that you tell her via email. There is nothing worse than finding out in person or over the phone and being forced to deal with all of your mixed emotions on the spot. By telling her via email you give her the chance to deal with her feelings, cry, etc. before she calls to congratulate you. You're right, she may feel like she needs to take some time away and connect to other childless friends for awhile, but in the end you'll be able to be good friends again. I would recommend the book "Conquering Infertility" by Alice Domar. I found it really helpful during that difficult time in my life and it may be helpful for her as well as giving you some more insight into what she's feeling. Congratulations on your pregnancy!


answers from Minneapolis on

First, if it feels possible, I would wait until >12 weeks along. Then, I might take a scaredy-cat's way out and "announce" it via a FB post, you can even adjust the settings on the post and make it available to only certain people in your friend list in case you aren't comfortable broadcasting it to all your 189 "closest" FB friends.

Of course, this is something I would do ONLY after I told close family and friends in a more personal way.

I have been in your shoes and remember how awful it felt to me and I at least have some vague understanding of how devastating infertility was to my friends. You have a really good heart to think of their feelings even tho your are bursting with such blessed news yourself.

Next question: Annoucing Pregnancy to Friend/coworker Undergoing Fertility Treatment