So my 3, almost 4 year old is the youngest of my three children from my first husband. We were seperated within weeks of her birth and since she was 6 months old, she has known only the man who is now my husband as Daddy. Her father hasn't made much of an effort to be in any of his children's lives; and thankfully, my new husband has taken on that role with great love and devotion to them. My first two are almost 8 and almost 6, and they are aware that they have a birth dad and a step-dad. But Mikayla, the 3 year old, really doesn't. Today, she found an extended family picture we had taken when my ex and I were together and only the oldest child had been born. She wondered why her daddy wasn 't in the picture, and thought the man next to me was another friend of ours. I explained to her that it wasn't our friend Mitch, but that it was Eddy(my ex). Now she is wondering who Eddy is. I am just curious as to the best way to explain to her who he is in relation to her and in relation to the man she calls daddy. I know it may seem simple, but I don't want to confuse her, nor do I want to lie to her. Please help if you can!!!
I think you should tell her.
When I was about 5 or 6 y/o I found out that my stepdad wasn't my real dad and that I had another one. I hated my parents for now telling me. I remember it being a hard time for me. The sooner she will know, the better she will deal with it. That's what I think.
Good luck to you!
My daughter was 2 when my husband and I got together. Her bio father was too busy getting drunk/high/sleeping with underage girls, etc. and needless to say was not around. My husband has been the daddy she never had and they have an extremely close bond. My ex came back into the picture when he got his 17-year-old girlfriend pregnant and she was so confused. I had been honest with her and thought she understood the situation, but she doesn't remember when my husband wasn't "daddy." She came home one day asking to see pictures of when she was born and asked why daddy wasn't in any of them because my ex told her that my husband wasn't her dad and didn't love her. We had a talk about the types of parents; we told her that biological parents are the parents who give you your blood and genes, step parents are married to your biological parents, adopted parents are parents that don't have the same blood, but love you just the same and "real" parents love and take care of you. Now she says "Chad (she calls him by his first name), you know, he's my biological father..." My advice is that you consider your husband adopting her so that your ex can't legally take her out of her home. My daughter has had a very hard time and still begs me not to take her to see him. She was much happier in a stable home environment and it was what is best for her, but the courts tend to favor biological dads no matter what they do to the kids from what we've found out.
Maybe you should work on having Matt adopt her.
Whatever you explain do it on a kids level, what she can handle and process. Don't lie to her at all however. You would be amazed what kids can handle and understand. If you lie, or mislead her it can add a lot more confusion to the mix.
Sit her down and tell her that there are a lot of different kind of families. There are parents, single parents, step parents and so on. Then explain that your husband is her "step father", that he isn't her real dad. Explain you were married, in love when she was born however things just didn't work out with your ex and yourself and you couldn't stay together. Make sure you explain how loved she is, even by her absent father, never make her feel he left because of her. I would explain that her step dad is her "real" dad as there is a difference between being a parent and a father. You don't have to get into biological explanations, however explain a dad is someone that is there for her, loves her unconditionally, stands up for her and believes in her. That your husband is those things therefore is her dad by all means.
If you think she is confused, then let it go, even consider going to play therapy as it did wonders for my daughter when my ex left and moved out of state. Kids if they know half truths will make up something in their own mind and it could be alot worse then what is real. I found out the hard way.
Have your other kids there when you explain it, tell her she is always welcome to ask questions and she probably will when you least expect it. Kids are amazing, resilient and sometimes we don't give them enough credit to tell them the truth, just do it a level she can comprehend.
Another suggestion is go to the library, you would be amazed at the books available where a character in the book is in the same situation and maybe hearing it in a story version and talking to her about it will help a lot.
Good luck
Hi S.,
We have a 9 year old that is not biological. He is our great nephew. We got him when he was 15 months. I have two older children so when he started talking he just called us mom and dad. As he got older we answer any question that he has. He knows that he has a birth mom and me. We have pictures of him with his birth parents and when he asks about them we tell him the truth. He really didn't start asking specific questions though till about 5 years old. I say just be honest.
I always told my daughter that she had a
"daddy" and a "father" I never lied to her. I showed her pics from the time that she was 1 year old. She is now eleven. She's always known that eric is her "father" and that Beau is her "daddy" she never went through any wierd kind of searching for him or herself or anything. She sees her father occaionally, but over the last year has lost all desire to see him. He didn't make an effort to be part of her life and now it's catching up with him. You reap what you sow. Be honest with her.
My son was 4 months old when the divorce with my first husband was final. He wasn't even born when we seperated so when my husband came into his life permanently, when he was 14 months that's who he connected to as Daddy. He is 12 1/2 now and longs for the day his Daddy can adopt him. We have always just refered to my ex by his name. We explained when he was younger that (name) created him but the more importantly Daddy made a pact with Mommy to take care of him forever which is a much bigger and more important job. He knows his biological dad but doesn't have a relationship with him. Sometimes he asks for stories about when I was married and over the years I have added more truth to answer his questions. When he was very small, preschool a simple answer was all he wanted to know and then he would stop asking. I guess it's just like answering that big question about where babies come from. Maybe a book on all the ways families are made. I know Mr. Rogers has a good one. Your daughter doesn't need to know detailed facts now but it's good to decide how much you are willing to answer. I know it's been difficult since my son realized that his dad left when he arrived especially when ex has been there for my oldest and second goes ignored. So be prepared later with the number to a good therapist. It has given my son someone outside of the situation to talk to. It has also helped alot that my husband has spent even more quality time one on one with him during these rough periods reassuring him that he will never un-choose him.
I have 3 kids who are now 22, 18, and 16, and I've never been divorced, however I always have thought it was best to just tell the truth no matter how old they are if they ask a difficult question like that. Just explain that she basically has 2 dads,the dad in the picture is your dad by birth, but your new dad is still your dad. There will be a little confusion for her cause of her age but it will make since as she gets older. And she'll be happier in the long run that you have always gave her the truth.
Hope this helps
E.
My younger sister was adopted and we talked about it long before she could even understand what it meant, so she was never made to feel "different" than my brother or me. We always thought it was funny when people would ask why she didn't look like we do.
She now has three kids, one of whom has a different biological father. This son has known about his birth father since he was pretty young so, again, no big deal there. His dad is the man who has raised him since he was a baby, his birth father is just some guy he's never even met. (And my nephew is now 15!)
I'd definitely suggest telling your daughter. But I'd skip the long explanations...at least for now. If you overexplain, it'll put too much emphasis on it and she'll feel like it's a big deal even if it's not. I'd just be casual like, "Oh yeah, he's your biological father. He helped me have you and your siblings." She'll ask questions if she wants to know more and as she becomes ready to learn more about the situation. I wouldn't call him her dad or daddy, though... that's a title reserved for your husband, the one who is helping you raise her.
Best of luck!
My story is a little bit similar. My daughter is now 9 but her dad wasn't ever in the picture. She has seen him 3 times but she was only 1 year old the last time she saw him. We met my husband when she was 2 almost 3 & that is who she knows as her Dad. I have always been open & honest with her about my husband not being her birth father- but she didn't realize that someone else was her dad until recently.I did let her know that she was extra special to be chosen by my husband as her daughter. Their relationship is great & my husband treats her as his own. In fact he often says he forgets that she isn't. He has adopted her and the birth father isn't in the picture. However, My daughter is open with others about it as well saying to her friends that she was at our wedding reception and that when she was little she didn't have a Dad. I recently sat down with her and to let her know that she did have a Dad but we chose not to have him in her life because I wanted her to have someone who would be a good example for her and that I made some mistakes when I was younger and was blessed to have her in my life. I went into a little more dept but I would just be honest with your daughter. Most likely it won't bother her much now & she may have questions later & a desire to meet her birth dad. I wait for the day when my daughter asks more about him.- And who knows maybe she never will.
Best wishes.
M.
S.,
this is a delicate question.
I like how Rebecca put it:
'Daddy' is the one who cares and stays in her life,
loving and OWN.
'Father' is the one who was near you, and this is why the children came to existence.
It is not so very strange in this contemporary life, as when she will be going to daycare or school, there will be about 30% of the kids at least, who have similar situations in families.
If you say the dad who is here right now is your Dad,
AND Eddy is your 'first' dad, or also 'dad',
this will confuse her little mind.
If you divide the situation with distinct words:
here is Your REAL Daddy - he is with US, he is our OWN!
and here is Eddy, he is a Father, who was near me when I was giving you birth...
this will not confuse her, as she will be able to define the difference through the difference of the words.
I believe, Rebecca suggested a win-win situation.
take care, S., all the happy days to you all!
My first instinct is NOT to tell her until she's older and has the mental and emotional capacity to handle the new situation. Unless the guy is suddenly super-dad and plans to stay in that role until she's grown, I think not telling her is safest.
I believe the Little Ones need stability most of all, introducing this complicated adult situation into a toddler's life reduces that familial stability.
I don't have any more advice on actually explaining it to her than has already been given, but have some ideas to add on top of those suggestions.
I think it would be helpful to assign different names to the two men. If she calls your husband "Daddy," you could call your ex "father." It's accurate, but separates the two. She probably won't understand it now, but she'll definitely be thinking about it as her grasp of language increases. If you give her the correct terms, she'll be able to figure it out correctly as she grows.
I think you need to make sure that she knows that your two oldest are in the same situation. Then in the future, if she has questions, she won't feel alone and can ask them.
I'm guessing your oldest three have different last names? I think you could explain that, too, that she has her "father's" last name, just like the oldest two. I would also explain adoption and how "Daddy" wants to adopt them so everyone will have the same last name.
When she's older, you may want to tell her that it's okay if she wants to know about "father" and have a relationship with him if she wants. Of course, that has to be something you work out with your ex, too, so she isn't disappointed by his unwillingness.
My niece was in the same boat, and it was a joyous day when my BIL could adopt her as his own. She got the same last name as her parents and her little brother, and they've never kept anything secret from her. She's 8 now, and was just over a year when my sister married my BIL. I'm not sure how they handled the details, but everything is working out just fine now.
I hope you can get your adoptions soon!
