My 4 year old and I are sitting here watching an episode of Oprah where they are talking about people who have lost everything in the recession. He's asking questions like why they don't have toys and why they don't have houses to live in, etc. I am trying to explain to him about how some people have lost their jobs and no longer have any money and they have to sell everything they have just so they can eat and live. I told him that this is why we donate his old clothes and toys, to give to other people who may not have the money to get those things. He started crying and said that he doesn't want to donate his stuff, he wants to keep it all. Now, I understand that this is a really big hardship of life that I am trying to get him to understand. But how can I teach my
kid(s) to be more sympathetic, giving and appreciative towards others, as well as possessions. He has very good manners and (almost) always says please and thank you and bless you and excuse me and all those good mannerly terms. I just need to teach him that just because we have been fortunate enough to be able to give him nice things that he should not expect them,and occasionally we need to clean house and it's a great thing for us to be able to pass our things on to other people who can get some joy from them.
FYI...
I remember reading something that said young children see toys as extensions of themselves. It requires a certain development milestone for them to detach themselves from their toys and see the toys as mere objects.
I will try to locate the article and will post here if I find it.
Not that it is a solution nor am I trying to dissuade you from giving unused toys to charity. But this might help explain why he reacted as he did.
Hi T. ~ I agree that he might still be a little young to appreciate the sharing concept. My daughter was closer to 6 or 7 maybe at Christmas when she realized how much she had and how little others might have. We talked, sitting in her room. When they are surrounded by everything like that, they start realizing 'I havent even played with that game in a long time' and then didnt even miss it. Good game to share with someone who has none. We made it a double learning by clearing out the toys she didnt play with a lot so she had room for Christmas, or birthday to come. Give him time to realize things more... 4 is a great age to just let him enjoy! Many blessings to your precious son and the bundles you are are about to receive! Ruthie
He is probably already a little anxious about new babies about to invade his home, now you are telling him she should give away toys.. I would hold off on any new "heavy" conversations till his home feels like it is still his.
He is probably just not at an age to be able to deal with this. He may also be a little young to have watched that episode. It was a really hard program even Oprah looked upset.
I am sure later when it is time for his birthday, it would be easier to talk about being grateful and fortunate to be receiving gifts. He could then pick out the toys he would like to give to children that do not have any toys.
You have had some good responses so far. So I will just add what I do with my family.
First off, You children will lead by example, let him see that you too donate your unused items. Second, I have always told my kids that they must clean out and give away before they can receive, before Christmas, Easter birthday or any other gift giving time they have to clean out unused toys.
It is hard for them to give things away.
Back home we lived in a small community and we knew the workers at the local thrift store pretty well. So when we took their stuff in I let them bring their things in and give them to the ladies, and in return she would allow them to pick out one small toy in return.
They got to the point that they "wanted" to donate their things just to get the praise from the thrift store ladies...
I understand there are other things going on with new babies coming and all, but it is never to early to teach your children about the gift of giving.
Good luck. and God Bless
He's young to fully understand this, so don't despair. Keep modeling appreciation. Children truly do learn from what they see. Make sure you say please and thank you (which I'm sure you do) for things that he does that you appreciate, things your husband does that you appreciate. Keep donating things and involve him. Let him see that you are donating your clothes or unneeded items as well. Eventually he will grow older and more mature and this will stick with him. I think 4 is a little young to understand about "giving" to other people. Just keep doing what you're doing and he'll learn about how we should treat other people. Nothing teaches the Golden Rule like living it every day!
I don't know how else to say this but straight out. You just have to. There is not a 4 year old on the planet who wants to give up his toys. At that age, they really don't understand the concept. So the best thing to do is just do it. We have been very blessed, and I started to notice my kids doing the same thing, so here is what we did. Every summer we clean out the kids rooms and donate at least half of their stuff. At first it was hard, and I just told them we wouldn't be able to go to the toy store anymore unless they got rid of some of their stuff. When we were at the store and they asked for something, I said "Sorry, there isn't enough room at home" and left it at that. And that seemed to work. Also, we buy Christmas presents as a family, so we "adopted" a boy and a girl their age and bought Christmas presents for them as well. And that really helped them to understand. Let me wrap it up though... my kids are now 8 and 12 and they still don't like it. But they know that it is their social and moral obligation, and they feel better when they do it.
If you want to talk, just email me and I can give you a couple of examples of what we do at our house. Good luck, and congratulations on being a wonderfully responsible parent. It's a wonderful thing to want to give to others!
It's a hard thing to teach, because it is not visible. My 6yo son has learned the hard way this year about appreciating things and knowing when it is time to let them go. I see you are from Angleton, close to us. You say the show on Oprah was about people who have lost everything due to the recession. Our house was flooded with over 4 feet of water during Hurricane Ike. My son lost almost all of his toys, he lost all of his books and puzzles. He took it all pretty well and we explained to his that those things were just items that could be replaced. For a while he would talk about getting a new ______. Eventually, he has grown to just say he doesn't have those things anymore. We replaced a few things with the exact same thing. But, some we got different things, like Legos, he got different theme legos than what he had. For Christmas he wanted a new VSmile. He had the box one that worked only on the TV, had gotten it before they came out with handheld. This time we got him the hand held because it can plug into the tv too.
you are putting a heavy load on a 4 year old. He won't remember a lot of it anyway. I think you've done great with manners, that's important, but as for the other stuff like no job, no money, no home, no food....I'ed go light on that. Just continue to teach him to share his things. Once or twice a year have him chean out the toys he no longer plays with and let him deliver them to the donation location. That'll give him an active part of sharing. You've taught him to be polite and display good manners, so I know you can teach him the sharing part without all the gloomy stuff that he doesn't understand.
I would have him help you to take the items you donate and let him actually see how he is helping. You could also take him to a place like the Salvation Army and let him see that other people donate items. It would probably be easier for him to understand if he could see it first hand rather than you just telling him about it. Good luck!!
Last year, when my grandaughter had barely turned 4, when April came with Earth Day. It was talked about in her pre-school class, and I had gotten her an Earth Day t-shirt to wear on that day. I explained that the earth gives us so much, in turn, we need to help out the Earth and keep it clean.
This really made an impression on her. We constantly take a bag and walk our street and pick up all the trash. When we go to the grocery store or Wal-Mart or Target, she wants to clean up as we go into the store. I tell her we will pick it up when we come out, then use the germ-x we have in the car. She does not let me forget.
Have your son pick out a toy/toys to give away. Have him tell you why he has enjoyed playing with this toy, and write it down, have him sign it and attach it to the toy/toys. Tell him the child who gets to take home this toy will really love knowing how much the toy has been loved.
There is a picture book called THE BALL, that 'tells' the story of a ball leaving one child and going to another child and how much it is loved.
Her pre-school collects gently used toys at Christmas to give to CPS. She usually has a new toy or 2 that she has not played with yet, from her birthday, that she gives, as she said, 'that way the child can have a new toy'. She is very caring and tender-hearted.
This doesn't even occur to some people, so I thank you--as a citizen of this world--for thinking along these lines. It is so important that children grow with a sense of community.
He is at the age where it's normal for him to be a bit selfish, so that's not a bad thing. Let him see you donating and otherwise giving. That "sense of community"--make it part of your everyday vocabulary and activity. Don't just give blankets and food at Christmas and Thanksgiving times. Don't make a big production of donating toys, and don't wait until you've a sack full. Let him see and hear you being concerned for how others are doing. Donate things as you come across them, so he sees it as a way of being and not an event. Maybe when you can, you should buy for others when you shop (little things are okay) so it doesn't look to him like you only give when you've finished with it. You know?
In your home, you can embrace and promote a sense of community when you're preparing dinner. Before drinking the last of the juice, ask someone to share it; help each other do things around the house. He won't get it all right now, but that's the foundation. Have him clean his room because that's his share of taking care of the family home, not because his toys might be broken if they remain in the floor. You know? Instead of saying, "If you don't pick up your toys, they'll be broken and you won't have them anymore," teach him that picking up his toys is his part in keeping the house clean, and everyone has a part. The consequences might feel personal, but the reason should not be just about his pleasure.
I rambled a little bit, but I hope that that helps.
Start with the clothes that don't fit anymore (he can't very well argue with that when he can no longer pull them over his head) Talk about it for a few weeks ahead of time- a great book is one from the dave ramsey's JR set- about the "Birthday surprise" where JR buys a ball and glove for a kid at an orphanage with his Birthday $$. Plant the seeds. In a few weeks call a shelter in your area (maybe for homeless women and children) Make sure he can see the kids present and don't just go to any homeless shelter with a bunch of older bums and no families!? He need to be able to identify with the kids- same age- looks just like my friend "john" or has the smae name as "neighbor" playmate etc. Make sure they will let you stay awhile and help by physically doing something - serving food- washing dishes- painting a wall- something the 4 yr old will not likely be good at - but they will appreciate the help either way- take the whole family and plan to spend some time. When he discovers the true need first you will visible be able to identify the moment on his face! Then he will identify that those in need are really just like him & he will begin to empathize with their needs. It won't take much kids are natural givers.
The new babies might need to stay home of course - but hey maybe it can be special MOM n ME time after the babies arrive. Enjoy the expereience- even take a few pictures if you can to remind you of the event- plan a trip every 6 months- I guarantee the next trip he throws in some toys and it will be his idea. It is such a big and scary concept for such a young person- no home- no toys- no clothes- even non MOM or DAD- everything that they hold dear is fleeting. Ours is 3 1/2 - but she gets it- she does- and we must start young-- our culture is overwhelmed with an "entitlement" complex that extends way up into WASHINGTON! We must begin to instill these giving/ sharing/ spending /saving concepts early on or the moments will pass us by!? I know a family that started a christmas eve tradition of putting together small gift bags with crayons- coloring books- small games and a stuffed animal for every kid in the hospital in their area who was expected to have to saty over night -ie - miss Christams morn at home.. Those kids saved up toys and planned the bag purchases- called ahead at the hospital days ahead of time- they loved the experience and so looked forward to the family tradition every year. I thought Easter baskets might be nice too- with a small bible in it.. Be creative- it will pay off in the years ahead when you see your son adapt a true spirit of giving to others. You are doing the right thing- GOD BLESS you and your growing family!
Be blessed
KAT
